TCG 38- Rock Bottom
"Cream?" I heard Ice called. Hindi ko iyon pinansin.
Nanatili akong nakaupo sa sulok, pikit ang mga mata at inaalala ang nangyari kanina.
I closed my eyes as I tried to remember Adam. Adam and his kiss. Adam and his Christmas gift.
The kiss didnt last that long. It was just quick but enough to make me question if I never really had any feelings for this guy. Enough to make me question why is my heart beating so fast when he kisses me? And why am I drawn to him?
"Merry Christmas, Cream." he said after the kiss. Our foreheads still touching, my eyes closed, his hands on my face, his warn breath on my skin and my heart beating faster.
Kung bakit ako tulala at nagiisa sa sulok na ito ay hindi ko rin alam. Marahil alam ko din pero tinatago ko sa sarili ko. Dahil masama ang nararamdaman ko. At hindi tama ito.
Mali ang magustuhan ang halik ni Adam. Mali ang magustuhan si Adam. May Ice na ako. Pero bakit dahil sa kanya, I'm starting to question myself and my feelings for Ice, more?
That kiss actually, answered half of my questions.
The answer to half of my questions and the realization that hit me when he left me beside that Christmas Tree awed about what just happened.
I am in love with Adam Villarasa.
"Hey, you okay? Kanina pa kita hinahanap. Sabi mo you'll check your gifts then babalik ka na. What happened?" nag aalala nyang tanong. He sat beside me, grab my hand and hold it while looking me in the eyes, seeking answers.
"Sorry, may....iniisip lang ako." I gave him a small smile. His eyebrows curved tipong hindi sya naniniwala sa sagot ko. Do I look that transparent to him?
"Sure ka?" he asked at agad naman akong tumungo tungo sa kanya. Dinama ko ang higpit ng pagkakahawak nya sa kamay ko. His hands are warm. Tamang tama sa malamig na panahon. Ngayon ko lang ata 'to napansin. Yung pagiging mainit ng kamay nya at pagiging sakto nito sa kamay ko.
"Anyway, Merry Christmas!" napangiti naman ako dun. Christmas na pala. Bigla na lang nya akong niyakap. Naiiyak na ako. I dont know why I'm still here. I dont deserve him. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ko ba minahal si Adam. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit di ko masabi sa sarili ko na bitawan ko na si Ice. Masama akong tao. Masama ang magmahal ng dalawang tao ng sabay. Masama ang magmahal ng magkapatid.
Hindi ko napansin ang pagluha ko. Masaya ako dahil pasko na at isa ito sa pinakapaborito kong seasons. Pero malungkot din ako kasi gusto kong mahawakan sa kamay ko si Adam pero hindi ko naman mabitawan si Ice.
"I love you Cream. Always." He whispered. Napapikit na lamang ako at tuluyan ng naluha. I love you too Ice but I have no right to say it back now because I am in love with your brother too.
Nang bumitaw sya sa yakap ay nakita nya ang pag iyak ko. Agad syang nag alala at pinunasan ang luha ko. Shit Ice. Bakit mo pinupunasan ang luha ng babaeng mahal mo pero nagmamahal din ng iba? Hindi kita deserve. Hindi ko kayo deserve. Bakit pa ba kayo nandito sa tabi ko?
"Hey, you okay?" He asked again.
"Yep. Nadala lang ng emosyon." I said sabay punas ng luha ko. It was more of a lie. Pinalaki ako ni Daddy na hindi talaga nagsisinungaling. So everytime I lie, pakiramdam ko talaga super sama kong tao. Madali pa akong ma guilty at gustong gusto ko na agad sabihin sa taong pinagsinungalingan ko, yung totoo. At ngayon, ramdam na ramdam ko kung gaano ako kasamang tao.
"Tara na?" Aya ko. Baka hinihintay na kami sa dining area. We're supposed to have our Noche Buena at baka late na kami. Magkakaroon din kami ng exchange gift kaya kailangan na namin pumunta doon.
"Nope. Can we stay here for five more minutes? I like it here." he said. Tiningnan ko na lamang sya at nginitian. Pumayag na lamang ako sa gusto nya kasi alam kong may kasalanan ako. Maaaring pampabawas ito ng guilt na nararamdaman ko pero baka kailangan ko din ang limang minuto na iyon. Baka sakaling sa loob ng limang minuto na iyon ay magawa kong aminin sa kanya na mahal ko sya pero mahal ko din ang kapatid nya.
Sumandal lamang kami sa pader habang magkahawak ang kamay. Ganun lang nag naging set up namin. Ni hindi kami nag uusap. Nanatili lamang akong nakatitig sa regalo ko kay Adam at sya naman, nakatitig kung saan. Out of nowhere, four minutes after, I was able to say a word. Bigla kasi akong may naalala na isang story na medyo angkop sa pinagdadaanan ko ngayon.
"Ice?" I called.
"Hmmm?"
"If...one day, you wake up...and you found out that...you no longer care for me, or love me, please say so during our morning coffee/ chocolate time. Hindi kita tatanungin kung bakit. But instead hahayaan kitang umalis. Naiintindihan ko na may mga taong kailangan umalis at dumating ka na sa puntong kinailangan mo ng umalis. Maiintinihan kita. Magiging masakit pero miintindihan kita. So please, promise me you'll tell it me okay?"
Tinitigan lamang ako ni Ice habang sinasabi ko iyon. After some few seconds ngumiti sya. He pressed my hand and said, "Promise."
I wasnt expecting that answer from him. Akala ko sasabihin nya na hindi mangyayaro iyon kaya hindi ko na dapat sabihin. But he said promise. Maybe, I really dont know him enough.
"Can you promise me something too, Cream?" Mas lalo pa nyang hinigpitan ang hawak sa nga kamay ko habang tinititigan at nilalaro nya ang mga iyon. "Promise me that you'll stay, no matter what happens. Promise me that you will believe in me. Can you promise me that?" Gusto kong magsalita at sagutin ang tanong nya. Pero alam ko na sa oras na ibuka ko ang bibig ko, iiyak lamang ako. Hindi ko magawang mangako na mananatili ako. Gustuhin ko man, unfair sa kanya. Tumungo na lang ako habang kagat ang labi ko sa tangkang pagpigil ng aking luha. I'm sorry Ice.
He leaned in and kissed me on my forehead. "Five minutes is up. Nasolo na kita. Tara na." tumayo sya and he offered his hand for assistance. Tinanggap ko naman iyon at sabay kaming nagtungo sa hapag kainan.
It was surpriaingly peaceful for me. We ate together and all I can see is smilling faces around me. Christmas smiles, as what I call them.
Minsan akong napatingin kay Adam at naabutan ko syang nakatingin sakin. He smiled and I smiled back. If I take the risk, will it be worth it?
Tapos napatingin din ako kay Ice na kausap si Rain tungkol dun sa isang show na gagawin ata ni Rain. Kaya ko ba talagang bitawan si Ice?
Hindi ata.
Two days later, I found myself staring at the ceiling of my room. It's already 1am and I'm still wide awake. Kanina namin tinapos ang last scenes ng short film namin ni Adam. It was surprisingly light. Adam and I talk like before but with limitations (as what I have noticed) and the whole crew just feels alive. Everyone was laughing and we all ate together too. What also surprises me is our early pack up. Siguro dahil na din sa magaan na aura ng paligid, we managed to do scenes with one take most of the time. Which is good. Hindi ako napagod masyado at super gaan ng pakiramdam.
Every break time ko, tinetext ko naman si Ice na nagpunta na ng San Nicholas. Niyaya nya ako but I said no because I already said yes to Noah and Nikka for our Pagudpod and Vigan Trip. Madaling araw bukas ang alis ko. I mean, three hours na lang pala. Gosh, makatulog kaya ako neto?
Everytime na pinipikit ko mga mata ko, I see Ice smilling at me. Amd Adam, staring at me. Just...staring at me. Sa sitwasyong ito ako naguguluhan. It normal circumstances, Adam will be the one smilling and Ice will be the one staring at me with poker face. What happened?
Bumangon ako and I found myself dialing Adam's number. With just one ring, sinagot nya agad. "Why?" he grumptly asked.
"Woah. No hello's?" natatawa kong tanong. I imagine Adam twitching his eyebrows.
"Just...why are you calling with this time of the day?" he asked again. Na parang di nya narinig ang sinabi ko kanina.
"Easy, okay? May itatanong ako." sagot ko sa kanya. Here I am trying to lessen the awkwardness between us and there he is being an ass again.
"Fine. Just ask it. I'm busy."
"Woah. Busy saan?" I asked again. Trying harder. After seconds of not hearing anything, nag assume ako na wala talaga sya sa mood makipag usap.
"Fine. Paano pumunta ng San Nicholas?"
"Tss. Why are you in love with thay asshole Cream?" Napataas ang kilay ko sa tanong nya.
"Asshole. Wow. You have to tell me the truth Adam. Ano ba talaga yang pinag awayan nyo at parang hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa din ayos?"
"You didnt answer my question." madiin nyang sabi.
"Dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ba nanggaling yun! Adam, what the hell! Can't you just be honest with me? Kahit ngayon lang?"
I heard him sigh before answering. "Fine. I'll be there in 30."
"Wait..what? Why..." And the line went dead.
"What the hell?" sabi ko habang nakatitig sa phone ko. Agad kong tinawagan si Noah. He's probably awake now. Maaga ang usapan namin. And knowing Noah, he wants to make sure sure everything is okay.
Noah answered me with a few rings. Malungkot ako dahil kailangan kong mag back out na naman sa plano. Nakakahiya na lagi ko 'tong ginagawa sa kanila ni Nikka. One day, I'll find a way to give back to them.
Of course, Noah said its okay. That he understands me. And that he knows that I have a really good reason for it. Ganun naman si Noah eh. Sa sobrang understanding nya, naiinis na ako. Sometimes I want to yell at him and atop being kind to me. I'm not a good person. He's not supposed to be friends with me. But he still keep me like how a girl keep her diamonds on a box.
After saying sorry for ditching him again, I went for a bath. I am planning to go to San Nicholas and no one can stop me. I need to know if my feelings for Ice really do have an extinction or not. I need to know bago pa ko makasakit ng ibang tao.
True to his words, Adam came exactly 30 minutes after he hang the phone on me. I was already outside the house while talking to the guard when he came. He was with his black Hillux.
Lumabas sya ng sasakyan at agad na natagpuan nya ang mga mata ko.
"Where are your things?" it actually surprises me how good Adam is with English. I mean, given na mayaman sya, he speaks it like he grows up in US.
"What? Why?" tanong ko.
"I thought you're going to San Nicholas?" taas kilay nyang tanong.
"I was asking you how to go there not to give me a ride." madiin kong sagot.
"Do you think I'll even allow you to go there alone? That's eight hours of driving Cream. Now, go inside while I put your things on my car before I even force you to do it." dinampot nya ang isang bag ko at nilagay iyon sa likod ng sasakyan. Sumunod na lang ako sa sinabi nya. Hindi ko alam ang papuntang San Nicholas at kung totoong walong oras nga ang kailangan para marating iyon ay imposibleng magawa ko iyon ng mag isa.
I fell asleep as soon as I inhaled the scent of his car. Wala pa akong tulog kaya siguro ako inaantok. Nakatulog ako sa byahe sa unang apat na oras. Himalang hindi ako nagising sa kahit na anong ingay. When I woke up, it was already 6:18. Tumingin ako kay Adam na sobrang focused sa pagdadrive.
"Um, good morning." bati ko. Tumungo lang sya bilang tugon sa bati ko. What now? Cold treatment?
Napansin kong tumigil sya sa isang tabi. Huminga sya ng malalim bago nagsalita. "I need to take a rest. Mahaba pa ang byahe. We should it." pagkasabi nya nun ay lumabas sya. Sumunod lamang ako sa kanya at doon ko lang napansin na nasa tapat pala kami ng isang kahoy na restaurant. It not classy but its better than those fine dining restaurants.
May apat na tao lamang ang laman nung kainan na iyon ng pumasok kami sa loob. Dumeretso agad si Adam sa isang upuan na malapit sa isang bintana. I followed him there and sat on the chair next to him. Sinundan ko ang tingin nya. I was amazed to see a plantation of flowers. Lahat ata ng kulay ng rosas ay naroon. Ibat ibang bulaklak at ibat ibang kulay. I saw some guys cutting some flowers. Marahil ay ibebenta na nila.
"It's beautiful." I said with a low sound.
"It's my Moms." napatingin ako kay Adam.
"Kay Tita Alex 'to?" medyo napalakas ata ang tanong ko kaya napatingin samin yung ibang tao sa loob. Nginitian ko na lamang sya saka bumaling kay Adam.
"No. My real Mom." napakunot ang noo ko. Real Mom? Hindi ba si Tita Alex naman ang nanay nya? Then I remembered my conversation qith Ice. Oh, yeah. Adam had a different Mom. Tito Kevin's first wife.
I stared at Adam as he look at the vast horizon of flowers. His eyes are sad and are about to produce a tear when a middle aged qoman approached us.
"Good Morning Sir Adam! Napapadalas po ata kayo ah?" napatingin ako doon sa babae na nakangiti din sa akin. Nginitian ko din sya.
"Good Morning Lucia." bati ni Adam. "Papunta kaming San Nicholas." tumingin sa akin si Adam at ngumiti naman ako.
"Oh. Dumaan din po dito si sir Kevin nung isang araw. Kumain din po." may isang babae syang sinenyasan. Lumapit naman ito at dinala ang menu sa amin. Tig isa kami ni Adam.
"Girlfriend nyo po Sir?" tanong nya. Pailing na ako at sasagot ng hindi ng muli syang umimik.
"Parehas po palang namumukadkad ang mga love life nyo ni Sir Kevin. Kasama po nya si Mam Blue nung isang araw. Kumuha pa nga po ng pink na roses si Mam Blue at nag iwan ng one thousand. Mabuti naman po at nagkabalikan na sila."
Agad naman akong napainom ng tubig. Adam looked at me with sadness on his eyes. "Now you know why I had to go with you." pinigilan ko ang pagpatak ng luha sa aking mga mata.
"She's not my girlfriend. She's the real girlfriend of Ice." matapang nyang sagot. Medyo napalunok si Lucia sa sinabi ni Adam at ngumiti ng pilit sa akin. Agad syang humingi ng pasensya at tinaggap naman iyon ni Adam. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Ayaw gumana ng utak ko.
"Tatawag na lang ako kapag nakapili na kami ng makakain." Adam said. Tumungo naman si Lucia at umalis.
"You can't go there without me. Either you'll go home crying or you'll go home dying. Both will hurt you." muli akong uminom ng tubig at pinilit basahin ang menu. I tried to keep my tears from falling but I failed. Gravity pulled one tear from my left eye and thats when it started pouring.
"Damnit. This is why I dont want to it tell you." Padabog nyang kinuha ang tissue at tumayo sabay lapit sa akin at pinunasan ang mga luha ko.
Hinarap nya ako sa kanya sabay squat sa harapan ko. "Cream, there are a lot of things in this world that will definitely hurt you. You can't just cry on these things. Walang mangyayari pag umiyak ka lang. You have to be brave. Umiyak ka man o lumaban, iikot pa din ang mundo."
"Do you know about this?" mahina kong tanong.
"I know nothing but the fact that Blue insisted on coming with Ice." tumungo ako at nagpunas ng luha.
"Okay. Let's order." umupo ako ng maayos at pinunasan ang ilang takas na luha sa mga mata ko.
"You sure you'll be okay?" he asked.
"Hindi ko alam kung bakit tumulo ang mga luha ko, Adam. Was it because I'm afraid? Was it because I feel like I should be the one to blame? That it was me who havent been honest between us, that it was me who.."
"Shhh. It's okay. We should eat." he smiled at me and patted my head before rurning back to his chair.
Next thing I know, Adam was driving all the way to where Ice is right now. Habang ako, nag iisip kung ano ang mangyayari oras na makita ko nga si Blue sa kung nasaan si Ice. Weird kasi sakin na magkasama silang dalawa. I mean, why would they be together right now? I get the part na they used to bw beat friends Used nga diba? Ibig sabihin past na, so whats with them?
Nang dumaan sa harap ng malaki nilang bahay at plantasyon ang sasakyan ni Adam, nakita ko kaagad si Ice na may kausap na isang matandang lalaki. Sa may kalayuan ay nakita ko ang anino ni Blue habang nagbabasa ng libro.
Gusto kong bumaba ng sasakyam, sugurin si Blue, sampalin, sabunutan, sigawan. Pero di ko magawa. Nanatili ako sa loob ng sasakyan ni Adam habang nakatingin doon sa dalawang tao na hindi ko maintindihan.
"You're not going out?" tanong ni Adam. Hindi ako lumingon sa kanya. Nanatili ang titig ko doon sa matanda na umalis at kay Blue na papalapit kay Ice ngayon.
"Bumusina ka." utos ko sa kanya.
"Ha?" nalilito nyang tanong.
"Do I need to repeat myself?" tanong ko kay Adam. He shrugged his shoulders, and did what I wanted him to do. He honk three straight times definitely getting the attention of those people.
Dahan dahan kong binaba ang bintana at ngumiti. Ice looked shocked, Blue looked stupid.
"Uy, nandito pala kayo?" I asked pretending not to know anything. Tumakbo papalapit si Ice.
"Cream. I can explain." natawa naman ako dun.
"Wala pa kong hinihingi, nagbibigay ka na."
"Cream.."
"You call my name likw you didnt do anything wrong. We're done, Ice." I closed the window and told Adam that we have to leave.
I was expecting to see a pleading Ice. Yung kakatok sa bintana, hahabol, ipagpipilitan ang explanation nya, sisigaw, gagawin lahat para mapaliwanag, Pero di ko yun nakita. Masakit pala talaga pag hindi naabot ang expectation mo.
Gusto kong tumingin sa rear view mirror at sabihin sa sarili kong, Cream hahabol sya. Tingnan mo. Hahabol sya. Pero hindi ko na ginawa. Sabi nga ni Adam, "He's not going to run after you."
Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa mga salamin. Ang totoo, umaasa ako na sasabihin ni Adam na tumingin ako. Na sabihin nya na hahabol si Ice, maniwala ka. Pero hindi nya ginawa. Umaasa akong sabihin nya iyon kahit pa joke, kahit pa hindi totoo. Kasi mas masakit talaga ang katotohanan kaysa sa panandaliang kasinungalingan.
"You sure about the break up?" Adam asked after almoat an hour of driving to nowhere. Ni hindi man lang nagtext o tumawag si Ice. I guess, I really was just a game for him. Past time lang ako.
"Yap. Now I know how it feels to reach rock bottom."
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All mistakes are mine.