The days passed by, but instead of things improving the situation was appearing to deteriorate. I had my mate by my side who would soothe me when I cried at my losses, cried for the children which I seemingly would never hold. I had more flashbacks to my days in captivity during the day, and at night the eyes of my main tormentor stayed taunting me, following me no matter how far or how fast I tried to run in my dreams.
Every night I had the same recurring dream, I was dashing through the forest escaping the echoes of laughter and the eyes that seemed to multiply and appear everywhere. Behind me were the sounds of multiple heavy footsteps of predators looking for me, and every time I would end my dream by getting caught in a trap.
Vines wrapped around my body and eventually my neck suffocating me, and I would wake up with a violent splutter, beads of sweat fully formed on my face, neck, back, and large goosebumps running along the length of my slender arms. I felt like I was losing control of myself, like I was slipping into madness. Luke seemed to be my only tether to reality, because I felt once he let go of me I was going to slip into the void.
Living in the pack, amongst the people I was meant to be leading became an even greater challenge than before. There existed a thick atmosphere of a shift, a change in the balance of power. I felt ashamed that this was caused by me. Word had gotten out about my fruitless state and stained the minds of the pack members who regarded me pitifully. I had now morphed from a suitable mate for their Alpha to a broken toy ready to be discarded.
Whenever they dealt with me their eyes held pity, voices saying words of encouragement. However I knew that far away, deep in the safety and secrecy of their homes they would comment on my lack of fruitfulness. The questions would multiply in their head, spreading like a disease. They all knew that I had been found after being rescued from captivity, but they did not know the extent of my suffering in the hands of my captors.
I was woman, but not woman enough.
I became a liability, a sign of weakness as the foundations of the pack loyalty to me crumbled, only staying put due to Luke's leadership. Luke stayed by my side, continuously comforting me however I felt awful because while battling an influx of buried emotions he was undergoing stress, and I was meant to be the one to take the stress away. I felt like time was ticking fast, a bomb about to detonate.
My eyes were shielded by my shame and I now viewed the world with a different perspective, feeling numb and dejected. I would longingly watch from the window in our room, seeing the mothers play with their children.
Being the Luna made me responsible for being present at every birth, and for the next month after my miscarriage there were five births, each one more bittersweet than the other. Every single time I sat through the stages of the birth from contractions to the actual birth, heart twisting at the sight of mother clutching crying babe. My hands itched to hold a child of my own, and within me a deep desire had grown like a wildfire spreading around my body.
----
"Welcome Luna Klair," I said coming down the stairs while wiping my hands on my faded denim jeans. Luke's mother had come to visit, planning to stay for a while. She was the image of strength, raising her son to become a great Alpha while dealing with abuse from her own mate. She stood tall at 6 feet which was my height, salt and pepper hair reaching past her shoulders. When I looked at her, I was looking at the female version of Luke in every way. The years had treated her well and she looked well younger than her age, her beautiful skin glowing while her thin pink lips curled into a small smile.
"Come here dear, give me a hug," She said with her long slender arms outstretched for me to step in between. As she squashed my body to hers I made eye contact with Luke who was smiling as he watched us, holding his mothers large suitcase. She stepped back out of the hug, one hand reaching for my stomach which she rubbed with a smile on her face. Knowing my stomach was empty, I flinched at the reminder of my miscarriage causing a confused look to slip onto her features.
"Mum, why don't you go and get freshened up while we get dinner sorted?" Luke said, noticing the awkwardness threatening to dominate the atmosphere. This was a welcome relief as I found myself nodding in agreement.
"Luke, don't treat me like a fragile old woman. You look like you need a good filling up and I'm going to achieve that by showing Anya here a few of your favourite dishes,"
"There's no need for that mum, you know you already showed me how to make them," He said with a short chuckle which I loved to hear. His words fell on deaf ears however because she was already in the kitchen fishing out ingredients to make dinner. I felt slightly lesser because while this woman probably had thousands of well known recipes at her dispense, I was still learning the ropes though the use of a cookbook since all I had been accustomed to was bread and grainy soup. Thankfully Luke was a very good cook and we shared the responsibility happily.
Luke went upstairs and I lingered at the kitchen door watching this woman move with speed as she had assembled all the ingredients she wanted within a few seconds. She was now making a kind of white sauce which simmered over the fire in a pan.
"Anything I can help with?" I stepped into the kitchen rubbing my hands together. She simply looked at me with a smile.
"It's alright dear, but you can cut up these vegetables for me. When Luke decides to come down he's going to chip in too,"
----
Hours later we all sat at the dining table with plates of steaming hot lasagna in front of us. Klair had baked a large batch even though it was just three of us, and unsurprisingly Luke had managed to eat half of it without any issue.
"When I went to my room, I noticed that the room for the baby looked quite scanty.. you guys do know the baby could come anytime?" She said with laughter in her voice causing me to tense up and freeze on the spot. Luke didn't meet my eye, and his fast eating had now slowed down.
"I don't mean to intrude, I know things must be busy for you Luke concerning the pack and business wise, but Anya surely you have some things picked out?" She didn't seem to notice the change in our body language as she kept taking forkfuls of lasagna into her mouth.
"I was ordering them on the day I lost the baby," At this she froze, her eyes darting between Luke and I with her eyebrows creasing. A look of realisation washed over her followed closely by an ounce of guilt. Luke tried to reach for my hand but I snatched it away and left the room, going up the stairs. A tear threatened to fall as I walked into the room which was meant to be for our child. It was half done, painted and floored but missing the essential furnishings. I placed my palm on the wall and took a deep shaky breath while staring at the corner where the cot was meant to be in. The room was a baby blue colour, not because I was expecting a boy but because it was my favourite colour. The floor was linoleum, but we planned to put a large rug as a finishing touch.
I was not alone in the room. I felt her presence as she came in and stood next to me with slow, careful steps.
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have been so insensitive,"
"It's okay, I thought you knew,"
"Luke never told me, nobody ever tells me anything around here," She said with a sigh, "I just want you to know that there will be many more chances for you to have a child, it's not the end of it all," My heart constricted because she didn't know of my state.
"Luke is a strong leader, I knew he would be as I watched him grow. He would always try and protect us. When his father was killed, he took it so well and tried to be a rock for the pack. He stepped up to the plate without complaint. It was a glorious day, and I saw that this was the start of a new chapter for the pack. However, Luke is just 20 and his age coupled with his freshness to the Alpha position causes doubt to enter the minds of neighbouring Alphas and other enemies of the pack. He has no successor, so they're going to want to attack as soon as possible so If they eliminate him they have complete control," The guilt rose up heavily within me, I felt my shoulders being weighed down.
"I've been found to be barren. I'm sorry I can't give your son a successor," I said painfully, but the frustration allowed some iciness to slip in as she stood shocked.
I stormed out of the room once again, pushing past Luke who tried to grab me.
"Get away from me, you should've told her instead of making me relive my pain," I spat out, looking into his guilty eyes. I forced myself to turn away and enter our room, locking the door firmly shut before sliding down as he tried to get me to open it. I closed my eyes, wishing this all would go away, wishing things would be normal.