Chris let out a heavy sigh, his hands hiding the dark circles beneath his eyes. Empty coffee cups littered both our desks, stacks of books piled up on the floor, and crumpled papers lay strewn across all available surfaces. At any other time, I would have cleaned up the place for both our sakes, but I didn't have time to spare.
He let out an exasperated sound, anger blended with exhaustion. "I can't...I don't get this shit." Those words had been on repeat for the last three hours.
I leaned back in my chair, shifting around to find some sort of position that wouldn't kill me slowly. "Don't worry so much."
"I wouldn't worry if I thought I would make it through."
Shaking my head at Chris' lack of confidence, I continued to read through my notes. We were both in the same position, trying to cram as much knowledge as possible into our poor brains before the finals. I was strangely happy for the distraction. It left me no time to think about Gabriel or what the attorney and the police were doing to get him incarcerated. It also gave me a sense of purpose and normalcy. Even if things had happened, life went on without pause.
He slammed his laptop shut and swerved his chair around. "I need a break."
So did I, but time was scarce.
He stood, obviously sensing my reluctance. After a second of hesitation, he grabbed my upper arm, pulled me from my seat and steered us both to the door. "You need a break, too."
"I don't know—"
"I know. We both need to get out of here for a minute."
I rubbed my eyes, a clear sign that I had stared at the notes for far too long. "Fine. I need to get back soon, though."
"Let's get a coffee." He pulled on his sneakers and tugged at his sweat pants with a dismal frown.
I chuckled at his sudden bout of attention for his general appearance. "If we drink more coffee, we'll likely get ulcers. Think I've had ten cups already today."
Chris winced. "True."
I wondered if I looked as exhausted as Chris did. He had this haze across his eyes even if they were wild from all the caffeine. It was an unsettling appearance, and I hoped we hadn't studied like this for nothing. If I failed my exams, this year would officially be the worst one ever.
The large cafeteria in the building next door was almost empty, which wasn't so strange considering the hour. Most students had likely retreated to calmer spots to study. The place would soon close, anyway. The balding man working behind the counter threw us a flat stare as if he didn't want any more customers.
The chair screeched as Chris pulled it back from the table. "You're not getting anything?"
I shook my head. "You?"
"Too tired."
"Same."
He leaned back in the metal chair. "So, are you happy classes are over soon?"
"Yeah. I need a break from this."
Chris mussed his hair, waiting a second too long to continue. His hesitation nudged my warning bells. I didn't need another conversation about Gabriel.
"Nothing to do with Cameron finally becoming available?"
I swallowed hard—that was not the question I expected. I had no idea that Chris had caught a whiff of my secret crush.
"I can't believe you said that."
Chris cleared his throat, staring at me intently.
"What?" I asked.
"It's obvious, but you need to be pushed in the right direction. That guy is gold, and you're letting him slip through your fingers."
I was doing no such thing. Cameron wasn't interested, and I had enough on my plate with the impending trial. Talking to police officers killed all thoughts of romance. They had walked me through all the memories I could muster, chasing details I'd rather not remember. It was purging, in a way, but also seriously painful. The only relief was that that the judge had decided to refuse Gabriel bail.
My thoughts returned to Cameron at Chris' insistent stare. "Why are we talking about this anyway?"
"Saw him with someone yesterday." Chris shifted as if his seat were uncomfortable.
Did he have to tell me that? "You think this helps?"
He pinched the bridge of his nose and had the decency to look slightly ashamed. "Maybe not."
Both of us where tethering at the edge, clinging to whatever sanity we had left after weeks of unbearable studying. This wasn't the time to challenge each other—it wasn't the time to tell me Cameron was seeing someone else. Surely, Chris understood that.
I deflated, feeling absolutely wrecked. "What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to say that you care."
More pain. "We're just friends."
He shook his head. "No. You're not only friends. And, you've been doing so good. Ever since you got rid of Gabriel..." He gestured with his hands, sending me a clear message only to let them fall to his knees. "Look, you're back, and I just wish you'd let your guard down when Cameron's around."
"Chris, stop it. I can't be interested in anyone right now. I have the finals to think about. I have a messed up relationship behind me and a trial ahead." Leaning my elbows on the wobbly table, I heaved a sigh. "Love is out of the question for me."
Chris shook his head. "You can't mean that. I know you like him."
"This isn't the right time. I need to feel like I can do this without depending on someone else all the time." I tried to sound as certain as I could in hope that he would understand. I needed to feel strong, not just like a victim pining for his savior.
My best friend frowned only to slap his palm across his face. He looked tired, but most of all he seemed uncomfortable. "You're right. And, I lied."
"What?"
"About seeing him with someone else."
Shaking my head, I rose, causing the chair to fall behind me. This really wasn't my day. A lone onlooker in the far corner studied us with mild interest. I wondered if he'd heard us talk, and if he was secretly laughing.
"Let's go back and study."
Chris stood up, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I get that it's too early."
"It is."
"But Cameron is a great guy, and he won't wait forever."
I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly. Chris wasn't fair.
"He shouldn't."
"I'm not sure you mean that."
"I do. Drop it, Chris." I wanted to curse at him, but that would only attract more attention which I'd rather avoid.
"Fine. How's Joachim by the way?" Chris asked, executing a perfect attempt at lightening the mood as we walked out of the cafeteria. None of us had bought anything, but then again, maybe it was the change of scenery that had helped us shift our focus from studies to something else, although I could have lived without the conversation about Cameron.
"Earth to Adam."
"What?" I asked.
"Have you heard from Joachim?"
"Yeah, talked to him yesterday."
"How's he doing?" Chris pressed the button by the entrance to open it automatically. Lazy bastard.
"He's doing all right. Found a room for the rest of the month. He's playing in a few nights."
Joachim somehow made a life from the income he got from night clubs, standing on the stage and blasting music through over-sized speakers. He was good, though, so it wasn't totally unbelievable.
"We should bring Dante," Chris said.
"Why, is he coming to visit again?"
"Yeah, he'll be here for a couple of days."
My gut lurched as it always did when we passed Gabriel's corridor, but I closed off and pushed through, keeping my eyes focused on the stairs in front of us. If I glanced to my right, it would become worse. A few times, I'd seen a figure at the corner of my eye—a figment of my imagination instilling tremors of terror.
Chris, seemingly unware of my struggles, continued to talk and walk until he closed the door behind us and sat in front of his computer. "You should bring Cameron." Such a simple comment hiding such difficulties, but at least it was a sure way to get my mind off Gabriel.
"No, why would I do that?"
"You said you were friends. Have you even thanked him for what he did?"
I wanted to groan. Chris knew I had stayed away from Cameron as much as I could. It was cowardly of me on a lot of levels, but I really felt like I needed some space. Cameron had seemed to understand, especially since he was still my teacher and needed to keep a professional distance. He'd already been asked to explain to the administration why he'd been in Gabriel's room to begin with. I didn't want to cause him any more troubles.
"Or you can ask him," I said.
"Right." Chris grabbed his laptop and stared at the screen. He appeared focused, but something told me he wasn't done with me. After a while, he glanced my way. "You know, maybe there's strength in wanting to love again. Especially after something like you've been through."
Arms folded on the table, I hunched over and laid my head to rest. Confusion battled with delicate butterfly wings, and I wasn't sure I liked the feeling. The problem was that Chris had struck a chord, and it was impossible to silence the resounding message. He was right, and that made it all much scarier.