When I didn't care...
JULY - 2011
Gwen and I were sat on a blanket together staring at the night sky. We'd been together non-stop ever since summer started. With no school, I'd grown to be around Gwen whenever I could. I'd started painting a lot more than spray painting illegally.
They'd be paintings of me and Gwen or just Gwen. Usually, they'd be of her. Some looking the way she looked before she went through chemo, and others the way she looked now. I know it must sound creepy that I'm a sixteen year old boy painting pictures of a girl he's completely smitten of, but I didn't care.
I never showed them to anyone. I never told anyone that I paint. On nights where I feel slightly lonely, or if I think of the bad things that might happen to her if remission doesn't work out, I go up to the attic and paint. Sometimes, they aren't even her, but they remind me of her.
So now, I have another idea for painting a picture. Maybe drawing it.
Many people were surrounded by us. We were in the city park, waiting for the fireworks to go off. It was a rather large park; families or couples or just singles sprawled out along the green fields atop blankets, waiting to celebrate the Fourth of July.
"I usually watch these from my hospital window." Gwen said, leaning into me.
At the moment, she was sat between my legs, her back to my front with my arms wrapped around her.
My heart clenched at her nonchalant statement. "This is so much better. I promise," I whispered into her ear.
I could literally feel the grin on her face as she wrapped the blanket around her tightly. To Gwen, it was still cold. I mean, here, it can get cold at night even though it's summer, but for Gwen, it's cold. She wore a beanie and a blue jumper along with skinny jeans, and still needed a blanket.
"Chilly?" I asked.
"A little."
I rubbed my hands up and down her arms, attempting to get the blanket warmer for her. She giggled. There was a quiet chatter around us as people waited for the fireworks to begin.
Then suddenly, we heard a loud group of laughter coming our way. I turned to see Connor and some other guys and maybe a few girls with him.
"Hold up, is that Hastings? With a guy?" Connor laughed.
My stomach dropped. I tensed as I got up. I guess Gwen didn't notice that this guy was talking to us because when I let her go, she questioned me. "Kyle, what are you doing?"
I marched straight up to Connor who was now standing just a few feet away from the blanket.
"What the hell did you just say?" my fists were clenched and my eyes were angry. I could feel the anger building up inside me.
"You know, I'm actually not surprised that you're gay. We all knew how much of a fuckin' fag you are anyway." Connor laughed.
I pushed him, earning a shriek from people near us.
"Woah, Kyle! What are you doing?" Gwen got up, clinging to the blanket. She stepped next to me. "Who is this guy?"
"Wow, that's a pretty high voice. You almost had me thinkin' you're a girl." Connor chuckled at Gwen.
That's when I lost it. I punched Connor so hard; he fell to the ground and lifted a hand to his nose. Once he saw the blood, he grit his teeth and got up. He charged for me but Connor's little pack held him back.
"I'm gonna fucking kill you, Hastings."
"Hey! We've got kids here!" a woman shouted toward us. Everyone ignored her.
Gwen wrapped her arms around me. "Kyle, who is he?"
I put my arm around her waist. Once Connor heard her voice again, his eyes softened and he stared at Gwen, realizing she was in fact not male.
"This is my girlfriend!" I yelled at Connor. "You call her any of that shit again, I swear to God you'll regret it."
Connor snapped his eyes at me. He looked a little sad for a moment when he took in Gwen's appearance, but he recomposed himself quickly when he returned his gaze on me and smirked. "Not surprised that she's all you can get."
I went for him again, but Gwen's small hand tightened whilst another touched my shoulder, attempting to hold me back. "Kyle, don't," she pleaded.
Connor wiped his nose and glanced at my girlfriend. He gave her a look I wasn't comfortable with, like he was sorry. I brought Gwen closer to me, and looked at all the people around us. Mothers were looking at me with that what's-wrong-with-you kind of look. Kids were giving me horrified stares. I felt like a complete jerk.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled to the shaken up families.
Gwen tugged on my hand, leading us back to our little spot. "C'mon, Kyle..."
I sat down first, spreading out my legs so that we could resume our original positions. Once she sat in front of me, she took my left hand and played with my fingers. I put my chin on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry he said those things." I told her.
She shrugged. "It's okay."
I pulled her back, attempting to get her to look at me. "No it's not."
"He's right though."
I froze. "What?"
"You deserve better, Kyle."
I laughed humourlessly. "You're kidding, right? You're all I want, okay? I can't ask for anything more." I hugged her.
She sighed. To me, it sounded like she felt a little better. The fact that Connor had the audacity to even say those things to Gwen, I swear...
"You still didn't deserve to hear that."
"I guess I should get used to it."
My stomach dropped as she continued.
"I'm gonna look like this... Probably for the rest of my life."
"You look just as beautiful to me as you did the first day I met you." I smiled, kissing her cheek.
"I guess that's all that matters then, huh." She giggled half-heartedly, pulling away from me.
We just sat there for a few moments as we took in what just happened. I didn't mean to meet anyone here and I especially didn't mean for her to hear those things come out of Connor's mouth, especially directed towards her.
"I wonder when the f-"
And as if on cue, a firework went soaring up to the sky and burst into tens of hundreds of little colors. It wasn't long when the show went into full swing and then the finale.
"It's so pretty." Gwen whispered.
I hugged her tighter to me and looked down at her awestruck face.
"Yeah."
And just as she was with the firework show, I was completely dazed at her. Just because she didn't have hair absolutely did not make her undeniably gorgeous when it came to her looks. She was completely stunning. How Connor failed to see it is beyond me.
...
As I said before, the park is gigantic. It was slightly a long walk back to the car from where we were sitting. I felt guilty considering Gwen was a little tired and she had to walk all the way back with a large blanket draped over her shoulders.
"Kyle?"
"Yeah?"
"Who was that guy?"
I had been hoping she'd forget about it. I was stupid to hope that though. It was practically the more important event of the night. I wanted her to forget about everything that happened, what he said to her. I could only imagine what was going on in her head when she realized the insults about me being gay was directed towards her, indicating that my classmate had thought she was male. By the looks of her, I felt like it only made her feel sick and ugly. Two things Gwen should never ever feel in her life.
"He's, um, a guy from my school."
"Do you two not like each other?"
"Not really."
She swallowed. I could tell she wanted to ask me more.
"You said I was your girlfriend."
Okay, that wasn't what I was expecting. It was neither a statement, nor a question. It was sort of in between, like she was confused at what it was when it came out of my mouth.
I stuffed my hands in my pockets, waiting for her to carry on.
"Am I?"
We reached my car and she leaned against the door, peering up at me.
"Do you want to be?"
"Are you asking me?"
I contemplated about answering. Of course I wanted Gwen to be my girlfriend; I just didn't think after two dates would be when I was asking that kind of question. Although, considering the way we interact with each other, I guess it's safe to say that from a stranger's point of view, we look like an official couple anyway. Take those teenagers at the funfair for example.
"Yeah." I nodded, deciding to go with the more honest answer.
She smiled and nodded. "Then yes."
I put a hand beside her head against the car with my other hand still in my pocket. I lifted it to touch Gwen's cheek. Her arms were still clinging on to the blanket wrapped around her. I leant down and kissed her. I'm not sure how to explain this without sounding like a girl, but the moment our lips touched, it felt... different. Unlike all the other times I'd kissed her before.
Maybe it was the fact that she was now officially my girlfriend, or maybe it was the idea that after everything tonight, she still wanted to be with me. Whatever it was, it wasn't a bad feeling. In fact, it was an amazing feeling.
We pulled apart once we realized it might be nice to stay alive and should probably stop to get a breath. I kissed her again quickly before we both smiled at each other and got into the car.
...
"So how was it?" Denise asked as she led us both in.
"It was really cool." Gwen said. "Where's dad?"
"Work."
"Okay." Gwen turned to me and let go of my hand. "Well, I'm really tired. I had a great time." She got up on her tip toes and gave me a tight hug. I returned the action.
"Thank you so much." She kissed my cheek and slowly went upstairs.
I'd gotten more comfortable with Gwen's parents now. I was with her constantly, so they knew I was with her for a reason. The first date was really all it took to get them to start liking me more than just Gwen's friend. When I took her home that day, you could literally hear her through the door how happy she was when I dropped her off at home.
Now, it was just Denise and I in the kitchen.
"Kyle?"
I looked up at her.
"Everything go well tonight?"
I nodded, deciding to keep the whole Connor fiasco out of her knowledge.
"She didn't get too tired or sick?"
"She was mesmerized by the entire thing."
Denise smiled. "I'm glad she loved it."
"Yeah, me too."
"I hope you plan on staying with her for a while, Kyle. She really likes you."
I wanted to tell her that I felt the same way, that I didn't plan on just up and leaving her daughter.
"She hasn't been this happy... Ever..."
"I like Gwen. A lot. I don't plan on leaving." I assured Denise.
It seemed as though we were having this conversation a lot lately.
Denise nodded. "Good. Thank you."
"I'll see you later, Mrs. Conrad."
"Have a good night, Kyle. Drive safe."
"Always."
...
"What a dick!" Ryan said, kicking the ball toward me.
"I know," I mumbled, kicking the ball back to him.
"I don't think you should get too worked up about it. He doesn't have good insults."
"He called me a fag." I pointed out.
"Did it hurt?" Noah asked, receiving the ball from Ryan.
I gave Noah a confused look. "What?"
"Did it hurt your feelings?" He quoted the word feelings with his index and middle finger on both hands.
"I'm not a girl, Noah."
"Then what are you so pissed off about?" Ryan threw his arms in the air.
"What he said to Gwen. And for making me look like an inconsiderate piece of shit."
"Hey, at least the cops didn't throw you out of the park," Noah added, kicking the ball on his knee several times before letting it fall to the ground.
Ryan ignored him. "He'll probably leave you alone now that you completely bashed him in the face."
I shrugged.
"Hey, who was that girl you went with anyway?" Noah questioned, kicking the ball to me.
I wanted to avoid this question as much as possible, but I was mad about what Connor did so I decided to be a thirteen year old girl and gossip about it to my best mates. "Gwen?"
"Yeah, was going to the park, like, a date?" Ryan asked.
I gulped. "Um, no, Gwen is- no, she's just a friend."
I kicked the ball to Ryan who stopped it with his foot. I looked up to see both the guys giving me flat looks.
"Fine," I said, running my hand through my hair. It'd gotten longer since I shaved it. I missed my hair. I don't even care how gay that sounds either. Not that there's anything bad with gays. If you're happy, you're happy. "Gwen's my girlfriend."
"You have a girlfriend?" Noah gawked.
"For how long?" Ryan questioned.
"I asked her just on Monday." I answered.
"You mean the day you guys went to the park?"
"Yeah."
"What made Connor call her a guy?" Noah asked.
I sighed and avoided eye contact. "Gwen has, um, cancer."
"Wait, so you mean, like, she's got the kind of cancer where she doesn't have hair?"
I wanted to tell him that there aren't types of cancers that produce hair loss, it's a type of treatment, but decided not to, considering that's a very detailed subject, so I nodded instead.
"She was wearing a beanie and stuff. But even just from her face, you know she's a girl."
"So, wait, you're cool with that?" Noah raised a hand and gave me a concerned look. He completely ignored my statement.
"Cool with what?"
"That she's bald and stuff." Ryan spoke, as if it was something I was supposed to understand once it was asked.
"What kind of question is that? Of course I'm okay with it!" I shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, don't people, like, look at you weird?"
I stared at my two good friends as if they'd grown three heads and morphed their bodies together. I narrowed my eyes, getting annoyed that they would think I'm that shallow. "She has cancer."
"I get that," Noah said, "but wouldn't you rather, like, say Alice for instance."
I shook my head as Noah carried on. He was oblivious to my constant head shaking. I closed my eyes, feeling really agitated.
"She's pretty. She's nice," Ryan added, nodding his head and counting the reasons on his fingers. Noah agreed.
I kept shaking my head. "No, no, no!" I interjected. "I like Gwen. I most certainly do not see Alice that way. And I most certainly do not care if Gwen doesn't look like other girls."
Noah's eyes widened as he lifted his hands in surrender. "I'm just sayin' man; you should keep your options open before settling down for a girl who might not be around for while."
I laughed, but without any humour, looking anywhere but at Ryan or Noah. Finally, I stared at them with my fists clenched. I raised my eyebrows. "You guys don't know anything. Hell, you don't even know Gwen! She's perfect! She's strong. You guys don't know a thing." I spat.
They stood next to each other, stunned at my harshness. I turned and lifted my bag from the ground.
"I'm going home."
"Kyle! C'mon man! We were just stating the facts!" Noah admitted.
I turned around, walking backwards and raised my arms. "Yeah, and you know what? Your facts don't mean shit."
They're eyes were wide as they took in my words. I turned back around and walked home. I was done with everyone thinking Gwen wasn't going to make it. I was also done with people putting her down. It doesn't matter if Gwen has cancer. She still deserves to be treated like any other normal teenage girl.
...
"I'm going to Gwen's." I said, marching down the stairs to leave the house. Just as I was about to open the front door, my mom called out to me.
"Kyle? Can you come in the kitchen please?" Mom asked gently.
I sighed heavily in aggravation. I just wanted to leave to spend time with Gwen. I thought my mom grew accustomed to this. I dropped my hand from the door handle and turned to head to the kitchen.
"What?" I asked, annoyed, as I stood in the doorway.
"We need to talk." my dad said, turning around in the wooden chair to make eye contact with me.
I pursed my lips and slowly walked to sit in my normal chair at the dining table.
"We think you're spending too much time with Gwen." my mom spoke.
I was taken aback slightly. I leaned forward and furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"
"I understand she's your friend and everything, but I think you've spent a little too much time with her."
"H-how?" I narrowed my eyes at my parents.
"She's got cancer, son."
"Why does everyone keep telling me this?! I know Gwen has cancer! I know she doesn't look the way that she did a year ago, but I don't care!" I stood up from the table.
"What happens when Gwen gets too sick, Kyle? I don't want you getting upset."
"She's not gonna get too sick. She'll be fine!"
"Kyle, your mother and I are concerned about your feelings for her."
"What feelings?!"
"You love Gwen," my mom said.
"Well yeah, I love her. I thought I made it pretty damn obvious!"
"Kyle!" Mom scolded.
"I love Gwen more than a friend. I'm not giving up on her. Unlike you."
Without another word, I walked towards the door that leads to the hallway. Opening it, I turned back around. "And guess what! Gwen's my girlfriend."
And that's how I ended my conversation with my parents.