I'm Prohibited by Hanz Moniefiero Medina

I’M PROHIBITED…

 This Book Is Serious Stuff. Not for the Faint hearted as it is all based on true story.

 I'm Creating Awareness through my debut ebook.

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My book is to create awareness for the abused, neglected,bullied and survivors.

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A Novel

By

Hanz Moniefiero Medina

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For those lives that have been wretched by circumstances,

dying to come out a free soul to the world.

Special Thanks to Guy Vincent

& Honourable Thanks to Johari Kazura and Lizzie You from

Sifr Aromatics perfumery for allowing me a little bit of time from

from work to complete this E-book.

This book is dedicated to two of my beloved friends who have allowed me to write about them in this E-Book and the recent case of Jamey Rodemeyer who committed suicide after Gay Bullying and the many others that fall.

God Bless All You Readers Too.

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Introduction

  How and where do I even start? I am going to just ramble through on this part. Basically, this book is about coming out of the spectrum of the unknown world of  silence  – more painfully when you have no voice as no one would care or even believe the strings of events that has happened for this individual’s life since he was a kid. A KID. Life is tough, everyone knows that. This book has been re-written countless times for the past five years. Reason being, for me writing this book, pains me to force out to the world of what they should know and how they could and can save their lives and in turn helping others to break free. I’m guilty for not finishing it up sooner. But ultimately, I was scared to even put them into words. Why? You might ask. I do not know either. Too many reasons in fact. You will decipher it through your own sphere of understanding.

The endless of endlessness of reasons.

 If you are a psychologist or a psychiatrist, by all means, study it and please contact me first.

  So why have I decided to just finish this book? Because I realized people need to know. You   need to know for I will not die in peace if I do not put this out to the world.

  This book is not meant to disregard anybody or even teach anyone life lessons. You interpret it however you want it. I will be taking you on a journey of a deeply personal life story. Some are true while some are altered to protect whatever privacy is left of me.

  WARNING! This book could appear very depressive and negative and also contradicting. I won’t deny that. I have tried my best to put it as light as possible wherever I can so you can smile a little bit if not laugh. It is a tell- all book. You will read the transitioning period of this individual from just a little boy to a young adult and the many struggles   this person have been through. For Real. The style of writing would be described as a ‘stream of consciousness’’ so I am, in my words, talking to you as if I am having coffee ,telling you about this kid.

   It is also a path for me to conjure up my energy and confidence to live a more spiritual and peaceful life from hereon.

  So, ‘’Fuck it!’’, I am going to write. It is now or never or forever I shall be in guilt for not telling this story.

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Mom.

 Dad.

 Siblings.

I do not know them.

Really, I just don’t.

Cooookieeee!!!

   Syd, a scrawny kid came up to his granddad one day and asked, ’Where’s my white macadamia cookie?’’

‘’Aren’t you afraid that you would lose all your teeth?’’ Harris gave him a worried look.

‘’ It’s organic, dada, I say many times to you it’s healthy!’’ Syd reasserted .

‘’Fine’’ Harris relented.

  Syd was born in Asia but was brought to Holland at the age of two by his father, Al. Al had his work transferred there after promotion where he and Syd used to be in Asia. At aged four, Syd has already started mimicking the gestures and mannerisms of most adults he saw on television or mimic his granddad. Harris was a military authority back then. He was like a Rottweiler breed, ready to bite. However, like most Rottweilers, Harris had often been misunderstood to having a bit of a reputation as a “dangerous breed,” an unfair generalization surely – for most Rottweilers or Harris for that matter, are calm and affectionate – only to Syd and Al ; but especially to Syd. Syd would do anything to be described as a child of the devil but Harris was always the angel, soft as a feather pillow on Syd with his fashionable sarcasm (this from the military language habit which couldn’t be changed anymore).

‘’You mixed your dark chocolate cooookieee in my white macadamia coooookiee!

You have tainted my coookieee! I don’t want it anymore!!’’ cried Syd (and who the creeps use ‘tainted’ at that age?)

 Harris would reply with his comforting, heavy sigh. “I will eat the diseased cookie all by myself and buy you a new jar and I am sorry. Deal?’’

  In the morning, Syd never failed to wait outside the door of his house for the milkman and the paperboy. He would give them his oh-so-precious white macadamia cookie but they must finish it in front of him just to see the satisfaction on their faces. In return, the milkman would always bring an extra packet of chocolate milk for him and the paper boy would come back after sorting out his papers to spare him a few joyful moments just to accompany him to sit and talk. Also, he loved giving hugs to them and shouting with such certainty ‘’ I will wait here tomorrow!!’’

 One individual that Syd was scared of was the postman or post lady to be precise. She was big and never smiled, not once even. Once, Syd offered his hello but she did not utter any reply to the poor Syd . After that ‘hello’ incident, whenever she came by, Syd would just hide behind the curtains to peek at her and pray that one day she would be happy. His precise words were ‘’Dear Great God, make the post lady smile and be happy one day so I can give her my cooookieee’’ in his exaggerated zeal of a child.

  Syd was also over protected by Harris and Al. They both agreed that Syd had nothing much to gain from the Dutch language or be sent to a school just because every other kid went to. It was only natural with their non-conforming views that Syd would be better off homebound. Yes, home-schooled. Syd’s learning hours was a non-routine. It had to fit in the professor’s schedule. Professor Arnold was his name. He would come at his desired  time  every  morning with his walking stick on his left hand and his messenger bag on his right.

 Syd  once asked why he needed to use the walking stick and wondered if it was for punishing when Syd made mistakes in his homework. The professor then told him that Syd had just given him a good idea to be used on Syd but ultimately, Professor Arnold had a road accident that left him with a weak left leg for the rest of his life. Syd hugged him for telling him about the unfortunate event and whispered ‘’So please don’t beat me, Misser Arnold, you need the stick more than me’’.

 Professor Arnold agreed with the two men that Syd was an intellectual boy far beyond his age. Too bizarre in fact. Maybe because Syd’s daily routine was to skim through Harris’s newspaper. He was a freak of nature, indeed, said the Professor who earned a Doctorate in Psychology and Social Science. Syd would finish all his homework on time and could solve very complex problem sums from a simple explanation . Noticing how much Syd was enjoying his work, Professor Arnold gave Syd several High school Mathematics problem to solve through his one example just for the fun of it.

‘’May I excuse myself to have a little chat with your dada and to have a little cookie with him?’’ asked Professor Arnold with such respect for his little subject.

‘’Ok, you can take three cooookiees from my jar,’’ darted Syd whilst shifting his focus almost abruptly onto the Mathematical problems.

‘’That’s very nice of you, Syd, I will and thank you.’’ Professor Arnold spoke slowly, studying the child’s burrowed brows intent in his world of tackling the questions.

  You got to know that it is bizarre for young Syd or any boy at the age of four to be quiet for a long time, an hour passed in silence might have spelt death for a baby. When Professor Arnold came to the study room with Harris , Professor Arnold was stunned to see Syd napping on his books but more stunned to discover that the questions he had given earlier showed the right steps to the solutions! With the exception of four wrong answers and calculations, it was still nothing short of a feat. Both of them were more than impressed. From then on, Professor Arnold was permitted to leap ten folds in Syd’s education plan, since he was home schooled anyway.

  Syds favoured territory was the river at the back of his house. He would sit at his nook, his favorite spot he would say, for hours and read children’s book with his chocolate milk. Harris would of course join him once in a while with his portable chair and on other occasions, take a peek through the window.

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The Syd Effect 

 Syd’s Dad was an Arab while his mom was a Dutch. As a kid, Syd had features that left his neighbors puzzled for answers. Think scrawny, olive skinned, chubby cheeks, curly hair, big-eyed kid with dimples.  When he went out to play and spend time at the Amsterdam river behind his house, he would get special attention with passers-by amazed by his looks instantly called him ‘’Doll’’. The neighbors would come and offer him cheesecakes and remote controlled boats to play with. He was an attraction for all. Harris however would slowly walk out from the back door when he spotted any sleazy ladies or suspicious men asking Syd questions like ‘’Where are your parents?’’ ‘’Where are you from?’’ ‘’Want to go into the boat?’’ Harris would suck his stomach in and portray his chest out and say ‘’Cute isn’t he?’’ that was enough for those strangers to either excuse themselves or just walk off in fear. It did not require much effort to intimidate others with Harris’ taut physique and despite his golden age for he could deceive others at being forty –if not for those white hair.

 Dinner was always a walk to a nearby eatery or restaurant because it was always a failed attempt in cooking at home. The food would either turn out too salty or too bad for even the starved. An instant pizza could be burnt in the oven even with clear instructions that screamed ‘’Heat to only 10 minutes’’. Before Harris’s wife passed away in her sleep unexpectedly, a walk to the restaurant or any eatery would be twice a week but with Syd, it was a daily walk of necessity.

  Syd was too cute to not get away with freebies. Most of the time, Harris paid for himself for his pride was too filled to allow himself complimentary gestures on behalf of his grandson. Once, the Dutch were known as heartless but until they met Syd. Heck, they could even have created a phrase in honour of Syd…. ‘until you meet Syd,’ ‘You’re under the influence of Syd’ or ,hold your breath.. ‘The Syd theory’. Such was the force of Syd.

  It was ironic that with Harris and Al who did not want Syd to be so exposed to the world out there, attention naturally crept to him.

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Solitude, Coffee & the Blonde Lady

 Al… The father of Syd was one peculiar individual. He was a man of little words. Too little in fact. He was once the captain for a famous cruise ship spending his months on voyages from Asia to Valparaiso. His knowledge from his travels was nothing short of impressive, and then as if in morbid vengeance, later, only insisted that his son be home schooled, away from the world. Such opposing reality seemed mocking for mere reasoning. Yet it was his love, or so it seemed, that justified his choice for Syd.

 So it began the rumble of the mountains from there onwards. One of the stops the cruise made was in Rotterdam. Al made a short trip to Amsterdam for his one week stopover. That was the week that he decided to detach himself from the rest of the crew and those before the mast, to gather his thoughts and sought solitude. He made a lot of 

effort for little contact with the revelers on their magical cruises. He checked himself in a little hotel in Amsterdam, where surprisingly, everyone spoke English. There were many cafes there but he chose an attractively eclectic 

one and decided to make that café his reading ground for a peaceful week. Al would order every food on the menu just to try them, not for filling up, and the varieties of coffee boasting origins as impressive as his navigations. To Al, coffee did not have to be from an exotic land to capture his interest. His love for food and coffee had him pursue several courses in a culinary school when he was much younger.

  Across the street, Al noticed a green tinted window which looked like a dance studio inside. At first, Al thought the ‘’studio’’ was for ladies to display-their-beauty-for-a-night’. On his fourth day of just reading papers with coffee and food, he was somewhat distracted by this slender blonde, who, everyday at a quarter to four would dance in front of a wall mirror and be out of the studio religiously an hour later, sitting down at the  same café . He noticed this lady since he first sat at the cafe. He did not seem to mind his precious solitude abruptly stolen by her mere presence. This time, Al called the waiter and instructed him to not take any payment from her. She later realized it upon leaving the cafe and walked to Al’s table with him trying hard to make sense of what he was reading from his favourite book.

‘’Dag! Why you buy me coffee?’’ asked the Lady smiling an air of calmness and grace.

‘’Oh, hello! It’s my compliments to your great dancing skills because I’ve seen you dancing since the first time I got here.’’ Al replied nervously.

‘’Very nice of you! Dank u el!’’ she furthered shyly.

‘’Would you care to join me if you are not in a hurry? I’m leaving this beautiful Amsterdam in three days’’ mustered Al, clenching his book for comfort.

 They introduced each other and hit it off instantly. By then, Al knew her name as Helda, not a dancer by profession but a lawyer and hated her job for nobody at work respected her much. They ended up chatting through and through like some lost old friends.

‘’Hey Helda, since I am going to leave in three days, would you like to join me again tomorrow after your dance?’’ Al suggested.

‘’ I sure will. I do not have many friends and it would be nice to see you again!’’ Helda replied.

  For Helda, dancing was the only thing she would like to do for the rest of her life. She did not care much about being a lawyer when the people around were just stale to begin with. So in exchange for the madness in the office, dancing became her outlet for a breather.

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The Crazy Last Night

 The rest of the remaining days for Al in Amsterdam were not as he had planned.  From wanting to be in with coffee and a book and nothing else to meeting a beautiful lady and nothing else.

‘’ It’s my last day today and I will have to return to the ship tomorrow, Helda , so..  shall we go  out together.. like on a date?’’ Al proposed.

‘’Oh my… uhm .. yes, of course we go!’’ Helda obliged with a blush.

‘’Since you do not know your way around, I shall pick you up at the hotel lobby around seven? Helda asked.

‘’Thank you! ’’ Al replied bashfully.

 The evening went extremely well where playfully, Helda would bring Al to see sexy ladies dancing seductively in different assorted colored feather boas to those having joints sessions. At one time, Al accidentally hit the glass wine over and stained Helda’s blouse. Helda, unperturbed by the accident, laughed it off as she was well aware it was the first time Al tried weed. Helda just walked it off with a stained shirt calling it ‘’the red wine wash blouse’’. Both high with the pot effect, they went on dancing after exchanging crazy laughters and finding each other drastically funny but insane to the watching eyes around. Club hopping was never done by Al or clubbing for a start. It was not his cup of tea having witnessed one too many misbehaviour in the bar of his cruise ship. However, for that night, he experienced things or rather ‘life’ for the first time all thanks to the equally repressed Helda who has no real friends to start with.

 The very next afternoon, Helda took time from work to nurse her very bad hangover and  to send Al off but what she found out after shocked her  when she saw Al on the floor still in his party outfit from the previous night and to add to the  horror, she was in Al’s hotel room.  She checked herself to see all over; the inside and out were intact and sealed.  She was assured there was no sign of intercourse. A great relief.

 So after both of them tried to sober up whilst puking bile and feeling sick, the moment of valediction finally came for the two souls. Had their last coffee together at the same little café and one very long embrace. Helda was certain their resistance at that departing moment was taking too much of Al’s time to get on his ship but he assured her that there was always a one day grace period before departure and it did not matter if the captain was not fit to navigate for there was always a quartermaster on board.

 Their parting words were that they were going to mail each other long letters on their lonely moments.

 Back and forth their mails arrived with intense anticipation from both. With every letter was an accompanying small gift. It was then that Al decided to reply to Helda that he would come at the end of the month to take a little hiatus from work and to spend more  precious time with Helda . Elation took over and Helda cold not contain her mirth. A few letters and phone calls later, they agreed that Helda would pick Al up at the Schipol Airport. It was not common back then to see a European lass with an Arab man, a rather  uncomfortable sight without a doubt. What else was there to expect from a conservative Muslim family if they discovered the horror of this unfolding reality between the  lovebirds. For Al it would definitely be considered blasphemy. Let’s not even proceed about the drinking and the weed. There would be a human sacrifice. (I’m just saying, that for every religion too, there are rules and interpretations in its own way.)

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Unexpected Presence

  Al’s arrival was much anticipated by Helda. Helda brought her father along to meet Al at the airport because Helda was with him earlier and decided to present her love for the world to see. Her father was her world and Al was the other privileged one.

 Al finally arrived and hugged Helda. Al wanted to kiss her and lift her slender body close to him but he had to keep his composure before Helda’s father. Helda introduced her two great men to one another. As expected, no matter how old his child, the look on a father’s face would always shift to that of a calculated, scrutinizing one when a suitor  appeared as if from the lower rungs of hell. Not to be outdone, Al was not too impressed with her surprise to bring her father along at the airport. Helda and her hesitant father offered Al to stay as long as he wanted at their house. In Al’s culture, rejecting someone’s offer was considered rude. Al, replied in the affirmative, but of course.

 The short drive back was awkward. Most of the time, Al tried to create a conversation   when looking out the window. Unfortunately he looked silly as the older man did not bother to take any notice and Helda decided to follow suit as if it was respectful to ignore so. They arrived at a two-storey house that oversaw the canal at the back. With an all white interior decorated with a tinge of Moroccan flair. Al was impressed by what he saw and instantly felt at home.

 ‘’This will be your room till the end of your stay’’, smiled Helda.

‘’Wow! very nice and warm room.’’ Al thanked gratefully.

‘’My father does not like you so you have to bear with it. You are a Muslim and he is wary of me hanging out with you.’’ Helda cautioned him with no hint of masking the truth.

‘’I know. From the moment we met at the airport. You could at least warn me or discuss with me that he was coming to the airport. What am I going to do now that we are dating? Please tell me everything about your father, alright?’’ Al cracked a panicked tone.

‘’Don’t you want to rest from your long flight?’’  Helda looked him in the eye, concerned.

‘’No, I’ve slept enough on the plane and glad to be alive after all that turbulence. Also, no time to waste for god knows how long till I get kicked out of this house by your father. Now let me change. We go out in 20 minutes’’ Al gushed with a charm that moved Helda.

 They both laughed. Helda looked into Al’s eyes and he did the same. They kissed.

‘’Now get out before your dad catches us.’’ Al said.

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Mugged

 Their feelings for each other was undeniably insatiable.  The sight of two different individuals was a rarity back then, but it bothered them to a nought and that made it seem a bigger crime. Helda felt blessed that she had chanced upon a being who was a good man in everything she could think of and his different background became the bigger attraction rather than an obstacle to her lifestyle.

 They revisited the café where they first met. The waiters remembered Al and offered   them their favourite brew and cakes. It was a memorable return there. Except that it was time for serious issues. They talked about what was to be prepared now that Al was staying with them. They discussed ways to impress Harris and she listed his likes and irks onto paper so Al could refer from time to time.  Al felt comforted by Helda’s respect for their differences despite Harris’ hostility towards him. Helda was used to getting an upperhand when  issues got in the way  between father and daughter so she knew they were on to something promising in their relationship. Harris would sneer but not slice.

 Two weeks. There were some expected good and bad moments between Al and Harris. The bad ones were differences of opinions. For the elder Harris, he had nothing to apologize nor change. There was so much wrong with the world but not him who was a well respected figure in the military Both Helda and Al were also caught for sleeping together in Al’s room. This happened when Harris knocked on Helda’s room one morning to ask her something but there was no answer. At that moment, both of them were terrified and did not know what to do. Harris pretended to walk away, stopping at the corner. Its a childish trick, ‘’She’s in there, isn’t she? ’’ Harris coughed a bitter one.

 After that, Harris did not utter a word to both of them for about three days. He wanted Al to feel the sore.

 One night during their dates, Al was mugged in the streets while Helda and Al were holding hands making fun of Harris, Helda to be precise. A hand came out in the dark and slid into Al’s pockets. Wrong move. Al chased the thief till a tussle broke out. The mugger was holding a knife and threatened Al that any closer and Helda would be harmed.  Al moved an inch and the mugger threw the knife towards Helda but missed, thankfully.  In quick retaliation, Al ran towards the mugger and beat him down hard, finally retrieving his seasoned wallet. Al ran towards the already traumatized Helda to check how she was.

 After they had calmed down, with many apologetic passers-by offering help, right beside the lamp post, Al proposed to Helda.

 She whispered ‘Yes’ immediately and went on a wild night ahead with booze and marijuana and club hopping with a blood-stained shirt on Al and a beautiful new smile on Helda’s face. It was like the robbery never happened. .

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‘’How can we not?!?’’

 After an evening of partying and almost being beaten up by a mugger and alcohol, not to mention weed, Al thought, despite his bad hangover, he should make amends to his future (or not) father-in-law, Harris. The thought had been weighing him down. He opted for his specialty that would soothe any beast – Food. Equipped with skills from his culinary training, he picked his secret weapon of a recipe and scribbled the recipe on his head so as not to miss anything while in the process. This particular dish of his might be simple and common but it had been modified to perfection his way. Al’s Lasagna.

 So there he was in the kitchen chopping this and that, singing off-key merrily, on a very cool morning, with a thumping hangover to boot. He needed to make amends with the man of the house so it was a necessary plan of action. He felt the sore.

 11am and he was set with the impressive lunch prepared from the warm oven. The Lasagna and mini almond tartlets for dessert later. Whilst in the kitchen for three hours, Al was oblivious to Harris walking around with coffee in his hand and making breakfast on his own. Same for wrecked face Helda. Al didn’t even realize much of the activity and never multi-tasked. Al was different though. Helda’s hangover was relieved after some juice. She could not help but stare at her kitchen:  the suddenly well behaved chopping boards and bowls and the neat array of cutleries. It’s too strategically placed, it’s forensic. Helda was touched by his efforts.

 12.30pm arrived. Al came back from his second shower and noticed that the table had been set with champagne bucket by the side of the dining table.

 ‘’Harris…Helda… shall we have lunch?’’ Al asked nerdily with his checkered long-sleeved tee.

‘’How can we not? Do you even realized we were in the kitchen?’’ Helda laughed.

‘’I’m having lunch with my friends’’ Harris brushed.

‘’Dad… you don’t have friends. People outside this house don’t fancy you. Come to the table’’ Helda interrupted.

‘’You are just like your mother’’ Harris retorted.

‘’ He has said that probably a million times already and if only  I have a guilder for every ‘you- are- just- like- your- mother’  I’d be rich by now’’ mimicking Harris.

 At the table, Al served both of them piping hot beef Lasagna, pouring champagne to their glasses where Helda almost rejected but could resist no further, seeing the   bubbly champagne calling her name. The table was a lovely scene, just like those times when Helda’s mom used to be around, fussing over them both and the aroma of freshly cooked best.

‘’This is really good you need to open an eatery just for this lasagna only’’ Harris nodded.

‘’Dank u el, please enjoy!’’ Al, surprised.

 Chomping away, Helda was having an orgasmic ride, Helda ran her feet through Al’s legs then moving on to his crotch underneath the table. ‘’Super good hmm’’ Helda moaned, forgetting her very father was beside her on the table. Al pushed away Helda’s playful feet underneath the table.

 Al did not have any champagne for himself as he really did not want to and was also feeling guilty for even serving, let alone the parties he had had with Helda. After a few champagne and clean plate of lasagna, Al said to Harris in a nervous quick manner ‘’We are getting married and Helda has said Yes’’

 ‘’What?! Helda?’’ Harris replied in shock slamming his glass champagne onto the table.

‘’Yes we are dad, we are in love it feels right and I want to and I need to’’ Helda chugged firmly like a speeding train, her eyes locked onto her glass.

‘’Aren’t you Muslims supposed to approach the parent first before asking the lady?’’ Harris questioned in his typical seethes of scorn.

‘’I thought out of respect, in your culture, I’d do it your way, ask the one I want to marry’’ Al pulled a respectful tone.

‘’You will not have my blessings and you Helda have disappointed me. Bad!’’ Harris growled.

‘’You’re not marrying him, I am, Daddy. Me! I’m not going anywhere and I will still be here for you’’ Helda assured him like a hurt puppy.

‘’No!’’ Harris slammed the table, which shocked both of them.

At this point, Harris got his plate and boomeranged it towards the sink and it broke into pieces. 

‘’Now Dad!!  You are violent!’’ Helda shouted in fear.

He walked off. In true draconic Harris.

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Where Do We Go From Here?

 ‘’Your dad is really getting on my nerves. It’s as if I’m not human’’ Al said to Helda, stroking her head on his lap.

‘’I don’t know what to say Al.. I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s real mad. Seriously, I have no idea what he has against you. He’s just a racist I guess. I love him but I can make my own decisions. I am tired of his ordering me around and now even my marriage’’ Helda spoke in a very low tone replaying the horrid scene. Al reminded himself what had happened was only the thin end of the wedge. What was next, he wondered, looking down and continued.

 ‘’I have yet to tell my parents too. They would want me to marry an Arab girl the way they want it’’.

‘’I have a crazy idea… you tell your mother and father over the phone and if they disown you, let’s just elope. Let us go somewhere new. I go with you. I love you. I want this!

‘’Helda, this is the very reason why I want to marry you. You’re not those typical ones I’ve met and I can feel it in my heart.’’

‘’Let’s give your dad a few days to calm down and if it does not work on my side of the family too, we leave for our own life and future.’’ Al was resolute.

 Helda rose to a sitting position and hugged Al.

‘’So let’s try this and mend things if possible within this three days. I’m yours no matter, Al’’ Helda looked him in the eye.

 Al was both shattered from the tensed reaction from Harris and  the impending next when he would speak to his parents. Yet somehow her words were enough to move his world.

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God’s Will

 That very night, Al made the very necessary call to his parents. He cleared his throat every now and then thinking what his parents would actually say.

 ‘’I’m sorry you have to do it again. This is for us and no one stops the future that we want. Her determined tone was louder than Al’s.

 ‘’ We are not seeking for approvals and blessings. We are seeking for a life of our instincts and love’’ Al sighed heavily between his puffs like a jaded old man.

 He binned the cigarette butt and dialled the number.

 As expected, it was one of the most harrowing moments in Al’s life. He had to hear it from them to feel the scathing stab of love. His parents’ words were running amok in his head.

Punishment.

Disrespect.

Ingrate.

Cursed.

God.

Nothing made sense to him. His emotions were tossed in confusion. Harris and his very parents were beings he could not relate to. Why were they dark and hurt when he was in love. Why did his joy spell malaise for them all? As if in defiance and what little left of   esteem, he allowed himself to join in the hurt of their darkness. He had assumed only his doctrinal parents would display their skewed acceptance of the outside world, the shielded ideology of the Arabs. Then came the scowling Harris, who proved himself a disgrace in Al’s eyes from the start, nothing to do with Arabs anymore, it dawned upon Al that the diseased proved themselves the diseased. Labels aside. Such emotional whirlwind. 

  Helda knew Al needed to gather his thoughts so she gave him his much needed space for days without questioning him much except their simple chats over meals and soft embraces. The flowing river behind the house was a calming respite just steps away from the madness of it all. Al was on the horns of a dilemma: He could not keep up with those racing questions flooding his thoughts. He was not alone in his silent cries. In repose, his  inner voice surfaced, that everything happened for a reason with  God’s Will, Allah’s tests and the  blessings for those who do not give up. He had chosen to think the latter, as always he had been, and that made Helda even more proud of him. He could choose to either rise above the odds or be repressed for the rest of his life. The answer was stark and irrefutable.

 They went for tea with no exchange of words; just a silence ringing around them. ‘’It is our blessings.. I still and will always love you’’ Helda whispered to Al.

 However, Al needed to talk to Helda regarding the concrete matrimonial matters. His rational side was now taking over whilst Helda was still floating in her dreamy state of surreal thoughts.

 ‘’I love you too, very much. May I request, would you please convert to being a Muslim when we get married?’’ Al asked Helda point blank.

 ‘’Certainly my dear Al! You really thought I haven’t done my research into marrying a Muslim?’’ Helda sniggered with a cunning smile.

‘’ That’s easy’’ Al heaved a loud sigh and proclaimed his heavenly thanks to the Almighty.

‘’I will do anything for us but just don’t throw me into the whole chunk of the Muslim way. I will take my time. I will or will not be a true Muslim’’ Helda pressed on it.

‘’Acceptable enough for a start and I hope we will be true Muslims’’ Al reinforced his intentions.

‘’We have two more days before we get back to Daddy, that, if he wants to get back to us’’ Helda reminded Al.

 Silence prevailed as both sipped their tea in heavy thoughts again.

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3am

  ‘’Dad, I’m leaving you for a while until you accept my marriage to Al. We are eloping’’ Helda darted off, startling Harris.

  Harris turned to her with a grudging look but had nothing to say.

‘’We will have a small wedding. I’ll send you a card and fly you over to wherever we are getting married if you want to see me happily married.’’

Helda waited for any possible response from her Dad. Nothing. She heard nothing from him. Helda walked off.

 Al was in the kitchen and heard everything.

  At 3am the next morning, they left the house as quiet as possible.

Helda got emotional and became teary despite all the talk that it was for the best. She also left a note telling her father that a few times a week, she would write to him.

 They then headed for the airport.

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Asia’s Special Mix

  As I explained in my introduction, at times, I have to be vague for many reasons. You may want to guess and play riddle with it. Isn’t this fun? So, yes, they headed for Asia. They got married and expectedly, no one turned up. Helda was now a Muslim and she displayed an air of pride for her new religion. No one from either families attended nor called for their wishes. Were offered ticket flights but no one wanted to come for the newly married couple were not ‘blessed’. Their honeymoon was in Asia experiencing a new culture and way of life in a new light, together. They were like kids, fearless and curious. Many honeymoons comprise of solitude and lots of sex on the beach (with the cocktail of the same name as well). I’m not sure if they do that, but Al and Helda seemed to be in a world of their own. For example, one of the many nights in Asia, they went to a rather big club in a conservative Asian country and partied with a group of fresh graduates, some still with bright red pimples on their faces and the bespectacled ones who looked like they only lived to study.

 One of the graduates took a liking to Helda and approached her subtly for a dance . Somehow this graduate strangely ignored the ring on her finger and Al embracing her. For the fun of it, Al nudged Helda to just go on with it and dance with him just to create another spectacle for the moment. True enough it did become a spectacle. The Asian student could hardly dance and it made Helda break into raptures. Others clapped and roared till Al joined in and took over.

 ‘’Come join us at our table! My friends and I are newly graduates!!’’ said the Asian man to Helda.

‘’Ok. I will ask my husband along’’ Helda was screaming, challenging the loud music.

‘’Are you serious???!! I am sorry!! I didn’t know!! But please join us! We have so many bottles to finish!’’ the man pointed to the bottles on the table.

  They introduced themselves and got along pretty well, chatting the night away.

 ‘’Come! Try our special mix! Good for the happy couple to last long for future memories’’ one of the bespectacled boys said.

‘’What’s it called?’’ Al asked.

‘’Don’t ask, just drink!’’ The other replied.

 Already losing their inhibitions, Al and Helda for another good half hour till they found  their legs weak and  everything else seemed strangely amplified.

 They had been drugged. A kind bartender offered to take them to their hotel nearby. Upon arriving at their suite, Helda ran to the radio player and blasted the Jackson 5 number. Al was completely woozy from the killer concoction and was jumping up and down the bed and doing the full-monty up to his briefs.

 3pm was the time they woke up. Helda woke up right before the toilet and Al was half  bodied on the floor .

  Painful Detoxification took place of course. They were vomiting, taking turns to use the toilet. It was the best and their worst party ever.

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You’re Disgusting!

 The lovers travelled extensively in Asia. They had fried scorpions, eels, frogs, even tried out the brains of different animals. The surprising part was that Helda was not even terrified, awkward yes but not terrified. Al, on the other hand, is the terrified one. He was squeamish to anything creepy-crawlies. Helda pushed the plate towards Al’s side of the table for she knew he was squeamish about eating them.

 The hilarious incident was seen by all patrons at that particular eating joint. It was a hilarious sight. Al picked himself up and told Helda to put the plate of creepy-crawlies away from him and sent it away to the waiter.

‘’But I want to try it!’’ Helda yelped.

 Al was looking pretty serious.

‘’No, I’m really going to try it’’ Helda insisted.

 She went right in picking up one of the fried scorpions and, plucked off the sting and threw the rest of the scorpions in her mouth like a popcorn. Al barfed uncontrollably.

‘’ I’m not kissing you at all until you wash off what you just put in your mouth!’’ Al was not enjoying anything.

‘’This thing’s dead and fried and it taste like one of those fried duck skins and I have this urge to try this new and bizarre food on the travel book we got since I’m pregnant with our first child’’ Helda, speaking like a bullet train.

Pause.

More pauses.

5 seconds…10 seconds…20 seconds pause…

A crack of smile……..

Al smiled.

Helda followed with a wider grin.

‘’You are pregnant, my love? We are pregnant? Helda, we are pregnant? Al asked repeatedly.

‘’Yes, my husband, we are pregnant’’ Helda confirmed with a huge smile.

Al went straight to hug Helda and kissed her on the lips.

‘’I thought you didn’t want to kiss my mouth?!’’ Helda laughed at Al.

‘’It’s ok, for our child, I’ll do anything dirty and disgusting’’ Al still very euphoric from the news.

‘’Then take one and try’’ Helda suggested.

‘’Don’t push it’’ Al scowled.

 ‘’Well, I have got good news for you too! I have bought a house for us to stay and live.  Before we came to this country here, I got a very good job with a house! I was offered a good price so I grabbed it and decided to surprise you’’ Al hugged her.

‘’What?! Why didn’t you discuss it with me first?’’ Helda gasped, not impressed with Al’s surprise.

‘’I’ve thought about it dear, you love that country we were at so much so I decided to buy a house and meet up with my friend to accept a very good offer that he had always been waiting for me to accept.’’ Al explained.

‘’Well, where is it? We’ve been to few Asian countries now and I love them all. And what job is this? How about migration issues?’’ Helda was confused

‘’The one that you said you’d love to live in’’ Al tried to refresh Helda’s memory.

 Where it was, did not matter but Al mentioned something about security in his new found job and that immigration would all be settled and perfect to start a family especially with their bun in the oven.

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Faults & Exchanging Ideas

  So after much partying and having a blast on their honeymoon, it saddened Helda that she was actually going to miss partying with the alcohol. Helda was one of those individuals who would have a hard time being pregnant. Her mood swings were like an axe coming for your head each time Al uttered anything, which she deemed wrong (she might think it’s wrong but it’s actually not) She also fed on her cravings big time. From tacos with chipotle to nachos with Habanera sauce. Al thought that it would harm the foetus but she would disagree and debate over it.

 So Al finally had the chance to move in to his recently bought house. It was not well furnished and the cracks on the walls were obvious. Al brought Helda to their new place and she glowed with happiness until she saw the living room, the bedrooms and freaked out at the toilets and made her turn away when she saw the kitchen. Oh, the drama!

‘’Are you sure you bought the right house? I feel deceived by whatever this is. Only the exterior is nice. I’m going to do something about it and you have no say in it.’’ Helda  commanded.

  Being a husband meant being on the receiving end of any mood swings and attacks point blank from the wife (I can see husbands reading this saying ‘’Wow! At last someone said it! Not if your wife gets to you first, sorry husbands!) Moving on, Al got a dose of her soap opera mood attack and that left Al alone to wonder what the heck had just happened. It’s like a maze.  Spot the frown, the wrinkles, the contraction of the muscles, if her pupils dilate like cat eyes and if her hands were strategically placed on her hips. Serious stuffs. What more with both coming from two completely different backgrounds.

  Her uneasiness towards many things stressed Al who wanted the best for her. He felt he could not please her enough. She was able to move around so she went picking out every  tiny fault with Al (most of  which, Al’s suggestions seemed silly to her) and buying many stuffs  to please herself to make it look like a house and to just be ready for the baby.

 They were very much fortunate on getting that rather exceptionally big house. After decorating and making the gardens and Al very much onto his new job, everything went on smoothly. Helda had about; I think 3 months, to her first baby. She had grown tired over decorating the entire place and was still spending so much money.

   Suddenly she felt a surge of longing for her Dad.   

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A Burnt Blooming Flower

 Helda wrote many letters to him. Once not too long ago, she shared so much with her father but the seasons have changed. It’s love. Love creates happiness, complications and sacrifices. And so much pain.

 One of her letters read:

  Dear Dad,

  I realized that my paranoia comes from you. It’s innate. My paranoia makes me wonder if you have disregarded me at all as your true loyal daughter anymore. My paranoia asks me, probably you hate me now. My many letters to you are written during my lonely moment. It’s hours, either by a café, beach, bed and the many places for me to recollect and ponder. I got that from Mom. She loved her time alone. But for these past months, my  time has been intruded by paranoia and the thought of you. Dad, I love you. I want you and still need you.

 You might not care about Al, but Al is one man who has been taking care of me meticulously. I love him. Now and then, he too asks about you and tells me how he enjoyed the time with you back then even with the occasional hiccups.

  I’m pregnant, Dad. You know that already. Your first grandchild will soon be born. I hope one day you will see him. I want you to pass your wisdom to your grandchild, like how you have passed to me all these years.

 I really hope you will write to me soon. Even a sentence would suffice. Please.

 Dad, my soul cries for you.

Your Helda,

   Always With Love.

You would agree that to be writing these letters brought mixed feelings. In Helda’s case, her happiness for Al and her first child would simmer to sadness after losing someone dear to her. A Burnt Blooming Flower could be described for Helda.

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Blood-Stained Stinky Letter

  Dear Dad,

  Where are you, daddy? Where are you? Are you alright? I miss you so much it hurts. It just hurts. I think it is right to say that you have been numbed by Mom’s passing. Do you feel nothing at all for this child of yours?  Haven’t I been faithful to you for so many years? Why do you reject the only happiness I have right now? Do I have to cry blood for my tears leave no mark? You need blood stained blouse from me? Daddy, you have your first grandson from me. You’re a granddad.

Daddy, are you there?

Daddy, are you reading this?

Daddy, are you reading my letters at all?

Daddy, talk to me please.

For what pain can’t you feel that I’m so far away from you with another new life on my left arm while writing this letter with my right hand?

 I’ve cut myself while cutting some oranges and at the bottom of this page, on the right side, that’s my blood from my forefinger, distracted from thinking about you.

 On the left side, you see this water-like stain. It’s Fiz’s puke. Fiz puked after burping on this table while I was writing to you on this paper and I thought it’s a good idea for me to just send you my child’s ‘Hello’. Pardon the smell though it’s a smell coming from your own flesh and blood too.

Your Child and Grand Child,

   Helda & Fiz

  For us reading this, Fiz’s puke may have been cute and funny. But No. Helda had post-natal depression and at the same time she has had to go through the people she missed at that time with pain circulating her thoughts for the people she needed were not around. That puke stain was also a mark of desperation. A mark of belittled and burnt individual to continue writing on that paper rather than starting on a new sheet of paper to give a sense or share a supposed mutual connection to and from somebody. For this case, Helda yearned for her dad.

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Separation

  Separation. Many do not realize the impact of it till one gets to the situation. For instance, the bond of missing emotional and psychological attachment; missing a sense of security and especially love. Especially when someone does not agree to what you want to do and achieve or support your dreams. You leave with a heartache, no painkillers could take it away. You’d be alone taking your first step. May Helda was not alone, she has two loves, Al and Fiz, that kept her alive. But no one could deny the many years spent together and all the quarrels, jokes and nursing their problems for each other, together. That missing link is now a huge void. Some are strong to handle the impact of loss while others are weaker and change their outlook towards life and people around them. Worse, when people around them do not understand what is going on, more problems emerge.

  We only have one dad and one mother. There are many branches of the \\\'One and Only\\\'. What I\\\'m saying is, when one is not accepted, it is already as good as dead from their one and only. Would you agree?

  Helda was one of those weak ones. She should be happy but the person she wanted to also share her happiness was not beside her.  Her mom was gone but it felt like both had vanished.

  Al was deeply affected by Helda’s depressive episodes. She destroyed the decorative objects in the house when her etched eyebrows furthered into a seething look of frustration, even   throwing the plates and shouting at her loving husband. At the height of her manic attacks, she would ignore the cries of Fiz for a good hour or two and even forgot to clean Fiz up leaving him with skin eruptions and rash. Yet mostly it all  happened over small matters that could be brushed off or solved with little effort. But this small issues rooted from her longing of her father, her only backbone.

Was love taken away? Maybe. All she could do was to write endlessly. Pen and paper  her only spectrum of hope. And only to be burst with no replies.

  Al, as gently as possible, approached Helda while she was breastfeeding Fiz on the bed

 ‘’Hon.. I love you. I cannot see you like this. Let’s go back to see your father. He needs to see Fiz, that will change him!’’ Al suggested.

‘’ How about your work?’’

‘’I’m taking unpaid leave. My boss understands and encouraged us to go. Just tell me when you want to leave’’ Al announced softly.

 ‘’In two days. I want you to book the tickets now. Get the one way ticket. How long are you allowed away?’’ Helda asked.

‘’Three weeks’’ Al said

‘’Good!’’

 Al smiled widely. A deep sense of contentment and comfort overcame and he became emotional looking at her lifted spirits. It’s the first time Al saw her smile since Fiz arrived.     

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‘’Oh No You Didn’t!!’’

‘’Thank you’’ Helda whispered.

‘’For?’’

‘’For this. For us flying to see Dad.’’ she smiled.

‘’It’s for us all, dear’’.

 Fiz had been cranky all day and could not stop crying. His unrelenting shrieks  irritated  the passengers on board.

‘’Quiet your baby, woman!’’ A passenger shouted from the back.

  Upon hearing the passenger’s harsh request, Helda stood up, angered, passed Fiz to Al and turned to the passenger in a fit of her angry trance. She pointed out to the man and screamed.

‘’You!! I’m having a major depression and my first period after my baby!!! Don’t you fucking dare shout your filthy bald-headed ass mouth at me, MAN! I’m going to see my father whom I haven’t seen or heard for months. My thoughts  are only for him and I cant help it! This is the only fucking time I have for myself and family! NOW!!!, ‘MAN’, SHUT THE HELL UP WHILE I TRY TO SHUT MY BABY UP BEFORE I FUCKING APPROACH YOU WITH MY FLARING PMS TO SHUT YOUR FAT-ASS UP!!!!’’

  ‘’I need you to calm down Madame, please’’ said the flight attendant, calmly yet equally firm.

 Helda turned to the lady and shouted, ‘’Do you realize your words to me doesn’t match like your ugly shoes and uniform, especially when you’re a woman?’’ Helda rebutted.

There were sniggers around when Helda said those to the flight attendant.

‘’Please, let me guide you to our little space so you can have a personal space with your baby and husband, please come’’ The flight-attendant replied in a discreet manner as if unperturbed by her shocking response.

‘’ Fine! Now if I could find my husband and baby that is’’ Helda puzzled.

  In case you were wondering where and what was Al doing, he swiftly removed himself to the toilet with the baby. The only way he saw valid to do so in the midst of Helda going berserk in the fucking air trying to soothe Fiz.

 ‘’He’s in there’’ said an observant passenger and pointed in the direction of the lavatory.

‘’That was amazing and powerful. Quite an audience for economy class’’ Al joked lightheartedly. He was used to those flare-ups and it was the only way to desensitize whatever pain that had been created.

   Helda looked at Al and laughed a smug one, ‘’I know! I don’t believe I did that! But heavens, that felt great!’’

  She even had the chance to stand at the cockpit door to greet the pilots and apologized towards the flight attendants.

 There was one more thing left to do. She needed to say sorry to all the passengers in the economy class:

 ‘’ Dear passengers, I’m Helda. The one who went berserk on some bald-headed fat-ass. I’d like to sincerely apologize except to that man. I’m sure some of you are parents. I’m really sorry. And to the bald man I screamed at, I’m sorry for shouting but you deserved it. Which mother would want her baby to cry so much and would not try to do anything especially with so many people around?’’

 The economy class passengers laughed and some applauded, relieved that the drama did not escalate into anything nastier. Except for that bald headed fat ass, for sure. 

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‘’Come in dear, come in’’

   Their hearts were pounding harder. Helda let out her nervousness to Al.

‘’I’m so sorry’’ Helda got teary again.

‘’I understand Helda. I miss my parents too. Maybe I should call them when we get back ’’ Al reminded himself.

  Helda was quiet. They were coming to terms to accept that whatever had happened and that at least they tried. After collecting their luggages, Helda felt like eating as she had been too angry to eat anything on the plane. Her attention was towards Fiz, who, at long last fell asleep in his pram. Helda relived anything Dutch at a nearby eatery (so basically, she ordered anything she saw and the unfinished ones, let Al to attend to the leftovers)     One of her vices  was impulsive gluttony. One trait Al had accepted, and he never ordered for himself at most eateries except restaurants where Helda would behave a little better.

‘’I’m so sorry, love. I just have to stuff myself before seeing him.’’ Helda nervously chewed.

‘’I don’t see any difference in any other situation’’ Al commented as if in bad humour.

‘’Yeah.. but at least I got a valid reason now just like how you smoke even though I’m kissing an ash tray’’.

‘’Whatever, I’m stressed with work’’.

‘’That’s what they all say. Try this! It’s sooooooo gooooood! We were in Asia for too damn long’’ Helda lamented as she savoured the melted cheese from the puff pastry.

‘’Did you drug Fiz while I wasn’t watching? He’s never slept this long’’ Al was surprised.

‘’I wish I’m evil enough to do that. He’s just tired from all those hours of crying. Like, really, hours of crying. I did anything a mother would do even to the doctor’s last minute before our flight! And he’s fine said the doctor, you know that’’ Helda shrugged.

‘’So, when can we go?’’ Al asked.

‘’I’m ordering another coffee and after you have finished your share of food, of course’’

‘’But of course..’’ Al smiled wearily.

  There was a loud silence in between them after Al asked that question. Helda’s fingers were trembling from the overdose of caffeine. Far too awkward for a married couple. In truth, Al was a tad worried about his father-in-law and his wife. He was praying silently in his heart that everything would go well. His heart was pounding so hard he could hear his own beating.

 They walked out to the eatery with Fiz still asleep and got a cab to their place.

They reached Helda’s house. Both of them had cold feet. Al paid the cab driver and left.

‘’ I think it’s best that I wait here while you go in there?’’ Al tried.

‘’Okay then’’.

 Helda took the first step slowly. She rang the bell. A few seconds later.. No answer.

She rang the bell again. Finally the door opened.

‘’Hello dear.. how can I help you?’’ An old lady asked.

‘’Who are you?’’ Helda

‘’Excuse me?’’ The old lady looked at her doubtfully.

‘’I’m sorry. I’m Helda, Harris’s daughter. Where’s my father??’’

 The old lady was stunned.

‘’Come in dear, come in. Please, invite your husband and bring your child in too, my dear’’ The old lady said slowly.

‘’Let me make some coffee and I’ll be back. Please sit down, dear’’ The old lady repeated.

‘’What’s going on? And where’s your dad?’’ Al asked more worried than surprised.

‘’Don’t. Talk. To. Me. Now. Just don’t’’ Helda darted.

The old lady came back with a tray of biscuits, three cups and a pot of coffee.

‘’Let me introduce myself, I’m Laura and what I do, I help people. I help people like your father’’ the old lady explained.

‘’So what do you help in and just tell me what’s going on!, please’’ Helda snapped at her.

‘’I’m a part-time nurse’’ Laura said,

  Helda stood up and cusped her mouth with both her hands. What happened?! Tell me he’s ok, tell me he’s ok tell me he’s ok! Please Laura. Tell me he’s ok! Fuck it! Tell me now!’’ Helda shouted in a panicked tone..

‘’Sit down, dear, and let me explain’’ Laura calmly repeated.

‘’I will stand here, in front of you, now tell me!’’ Helda unrelented.

‘’Helda! Stop being rude and sit down!’’ Al interjected.

 It’s rare for Al to shout at Helda. Believe it or not, like an obedient child, Helda actually sat down.

‘’I apologize, Laura, please tell us’’ Al took over.

‘’It’s ok, dear, it’s ok’’.

  Laura then explained that Harris fell in the bathroom just before he was scheduled to take his flight to somewhere in Asia. He passed out in the cab on the way to the airport when the driver realized his shirt had blood from the back of his head.

‘’Where is he, now?  He going to be ok? Is he ok?’’ her anxious tone.

‘’Yes, he’s ok but I have to tell you that he’s suffering from amnesia. I’m not sure if he would remember much or any of you but he did mention the name Fiz a few times and something about letters’’ Laura

‘’That’s our child. Oh my God! He’s been reading my letter!! Where is he? Where is he?’’ Helda was now excited.

‘’Resting in his room actually’’ Laura said, smiling, pointing

upstairs.

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The Raspy Voice

Laura took both of them to Harris. Harris was asleep, his head bandaged.

‘’What if he does not remember me?’’ sadness realization creeping in.

‘’Let’s hope for the best. Look at those stacks of letters beside the bed. Sometimes I catch him reading them. The doctor says his condition is still on the mild stage and is only temporary. Let’s hope for the best’’ Laura forced a smile.

‘’What have you noticed he forgot?’’ Helda was hungry for updates.

‘’I can’t answer much, my dear, as I am very much a stranger, you should know. But I do notice he asked a lot of questions about stuffs around this house. Also, he wondered why there’s a river behind his house. So I think he did not remember staying here’’.

‘’Oh God…’’ Helda clasped her head.

‘’You heard her, Helda, it’s not serious. So, Laura, does he remember anything else  about the house?’’ Al decided to focus on the possibilities sensing  how distraught Helda was. 

‘’Yes. There’s improvement everyday. Better than most I have nursed who took months  even years. He would tell me how he actually got the oven, his toothbrush and why he selected the tiles in the kitchen’’ Laura was beginning to open up more.

‘’Come, let us go down, we can prepare dinner together, dear child’ Laura asked for Helda’s hands to join her and both left.

‘’Helda….’’ Harris cried in his raspy voice.

The three heads turned in unison.

‘’Helda!

‘’Daddy..’’ as she ran towards him and grabbed him hard and hugged tightly.

‘ I’ll be down later’’ Helda gestured to both Al and Laura who both left discreetly giving her the privacy she needed.

  She fell to her knees while holding her dad’s hands and broke into uncontrollable sobs.

‘’I’m sorry daddy. I’m so sorry for everything all I wanted for you to realize that I deserve my happiness too just like the happiness we had when we were as a family. Please forgive me dad for abandoning you. I didn’t mean to.’’

‘’I don’t know much what you’re saying but I’m trying to make sense of things by reading your letters’’ Harris reassured her.

‘’I want to see my grandchild’’ Harris requested politely.

‘’Fiz is nine months old now’’ Helda shot excitedly.

‘’Fiz!! No wonder that name keeps coming up in my head.. Fiz. Let me see him now.’’

‘’He’s asleep, I’ll take him when he is awake because he did not sleep on the flight’’ Helda explained, still kneeling on the floor

‘’Who’s your husband? Did I like him before?’’ Harris asked innocently.

  Helda started off with a laugh from her teary face and apologetic state. Helda thought about it for a while. Truth be told, that instant, Helda felt like she should lie or at least frame it in a way that their relationship wasn’t all sour but also sweet.

‘’Well Daddy, like any protective father, you definitely had your low-downs with him but you both actually hit it off well’’ she grinned.

‘’I see. I’d love to see him. Where is he?’’ Harris was like a new man, excited and polite in his tone, not a dot of condescension.

‘’He’s downstairs looking over Fiz.’’

‘’Did I attend your wedding?’’ Harris was combing his memory.

 At that moment, Helda got tongue-tied and her face frozen.

‘’Are you strong enough to walk? ‘’ Helda asked

‘’If that nurse allows me to jog, I would and since she’s old too, I’d drag her along to run!’’ Harris joked.

Helda returned a laughter.

‘’Daddy…’’

‘’Hmm..?’’ Harris responded in his fatherly comforting tone, now even sweeter in his new personality.

‘’I’m so glad you still remember me, I really do’’ Helda sighed like a contented baby and in many ways she still was.

‘’Helda, you’re not like any other, you’re my girl, no matter how old you are’’ Harris  added a serious tone.

 Helda noticed the marked softness in Harris from the accident. He’s a more understanding individual. He’s too curious over so many things and trying to remember Al. Harris’s face lit up he saw Fiz. Fiz was in a good mood too, after his long needed rest, touching his Granddad’s face and cooing words only babies could understand. It was an irresistible sight as daughter and Dad were entertained into chuckles.

 ‘’I’ll be back, daddy. Al, I need your help in the room.’’

‘’ I have got something to tell you, my guilt is building up in just a matter of hours’’

‘’What is it, dear?’’ Al

‘’While I was in the room talking to daddy, he asked me if he went for the wedding..’’

‘’You said Yes???’’ Al cut Helda.

‘’Yes’’ Helda replied sheepishly.

‘’Couldn’t you just ignore the question? Now what the hell are we going to do?’’ Al  raised his irritated voice.

‘’Stop freaking out!’’

‘’You know what? I’m not going to be involved in this. You cross your own bridge this time. For now, I’m enjoying your dad’s kindness’’ Al, frustrated.

‘’Fine’’ Helda rebutted.

‘’Yup, I’m just going to pretend not to know anything’’ Al said in defiance.

‘’Now, while you think of how to cross your bridge, I’m going to Fiz. You know what? You should just enjoy it while it lasts, no?’’ Al sounded blunt indeed.

He then left the room.

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Cutting It Short

  I digress. This book is about Syd and his big struggles; I have to introduce Al, Helda and Harris to be more dead-on on how it all started in psychological, emotional and situational aspects in further chapters for you to cross-reference. It is not an easy book to read but it takes no genius to figure out as well, though, I think, there will be many interpretations that I would look forward to reading and the conclusions of literature studies (if the many lecturers and professors are interested, that is). I’m honoured, when I showed a few chapters to a lecturer in English literature, she was interested to know even more and, yes, she found it confusing but interesting. I remembered deciding to whether I should write this book back then. She strongly encouraged me to do so. Also, she said it was like ‘’Catcher in the Rye but nothing like Catcher in the Rye’’ I knew, when her feedback hit me, I knew I need to help myself, help the world to see, if possible. My lecturer has since retired and living in Brazil to absorb a new life before a new life. I do not know how to look for her now that I have completed this book. She will have the first read cause she had helped me decide. Please know I am not boasting or even close to boasting. I needed to know when I write this controversial piece, I know at the back of my mind, I have my supporters. Just like you, needing advice, especially when it involves money and life.

 Anyway, I have to cut short on what happened next as I think I have covered the important points in the life of Syd’s parents and Grandad and I am ready to bring you another section, the start of Syd’s impeccably different life.

 Harris did eventually realize that he did not go for Al and Helda’s wedding. There were no storms between them or anything close. Harris did ask Helda, ‘’Why did you lie to me about me attending your wedding?’’

 ‘’Before I answer that, may I ask you about Al and what do you think of him?’’ Helda

‘’ I think he’s a great cook and a good father! I see him more to Fiz than you!’’ Harris giggled.

‘’So do you think you can figure out why you weren’t at the wedding?’’ Helda stared at him dryly.

‘’Not really, no’’ Harris confirmed to remind himself.

‘’Because you hated him, daddy.’’ Helda said as subtly as possible.

‘’Oh.. Did he do something to me? Should I hate him now?’’ Harris, nonplussed.

‘’Obviously you have not fully recovered’’ Helda’s tone was beginning to seem cold.

  There was a quiet pause.

‘’You hated him to protect me and because he’s Muslim. You were just overprotected towards me, the hate blinded you tremendously affecting us all’’ Helda went out in full force, unable to suppress it any further.

 Harris could not rebut Helda.

‘’You wont see the difference cause Al has always been the sweetest towards us. I wanted us to be ‘Us’ not ‘Him’, ‘Her’ or ‘You’. Helda pointed at Al over the couch with Fiz, herself and then to her father.

‘’Should I ask from him to forgive me, then?’’ Harris asked innocently, clearly doing whatever that would make his baby Helda happy.

‘’Unnecessary. But if you want to, we are here till end of the week. We need to leave for Al’s work. The space is yours’’ Helda declared, still with that tinge of bite.

Harris just kept quiet, almost uncomfortably. Suddenly he looked so pitiful, all from the new information that he was clearly trying to understand, never mind that he could not remember a substantial part of it all.

Helda broke the awkward situation by telling her father that they were buying tickets back home the next day.

 ‘’Would you like to come with us and see something new, father? I can take you around and you can accompany me for as long you decide to stay’’ Helda invited.

‘’ Tempting...’’

‘’ But.. we are broke. I burnt Al’s wallet so deeply, decorating our new house, the baby’s room and our expensive flight. Sometimes I wonder why he has not divorced me for taking so much from him ’’ Helda breathed.

‘’I can pay for all of ‘Us’ then. Consider it my apology to you both. Actually, the three of you’’ Harris smiled, a new Harris has clearly emerged.

‘’Thank you Dad!’’ Helda screamed and hugged him tightly.

Harris smiled contentedly.

‘’Let’s celebrate! Let’s sneak to the kitchen and have wine and we drink for Al and Fiz’s too?’’ Helda suggested.

‘’For ‘Us’!’’ Harris cheered.

‘’For ‘Us’!’’ Helda followed.

‘’Where is this part of Asia again you both live in now?’’ Harris wanted to know.

  They certainly had their fun together while Al worked day and night. Helda was more satisfied with life. Helda had the chance to reminisce her old days and all the fun times they had when they were still a family. It helped Harris to strengthen his memories in a way too. I’m not sure if it worked for long as he was after all going senile from the fall and amnesia.

 Harris had never seen the cultured side and its diversity in Asia, 

his ignorance embarrassed him. The different values and the infectious characters around. It was then time for Harris to go back to Holland. He was sad and happy that he had to leave. He was happy because Helda was carrying twins!

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Desert Letter

  Unlike Helda, Al did not give in to his parents. One day, He received a letter   in thick Arabic fonts. It was written by his very parents. For a moment, Al was out of touch with his mother tongue. So he sat down with Helda that very night he received the letter. Al translated it to Helda word for word.

Salam Alayka,

  My dear child. For so long I have waited for you to return. Not just I but your very father as well. Must I include that your sister missed your presence terribly? For once I thought my very son could support us. You are an infidel to our friends and your cousins and the very help of your relatives. Shame is how aptly I can put on what you have done to us. Marrying one outside your own faith is very questionable to fate and faith, don’t you think?

  For we now realized the extend of this thing call, Love, your wife has borne a child we have not met. My Grandson. My heart stopped when the letter came to us that read twins on the way. That did it for the ladies in the house. We must. We must see you. We must see your child and the twins born soon. We must forgive you and you don’t have to ask for it. I have at last. I must say I am softened by the new flesh and blood. Masha’Allah. We are thinking of staying with you. To take care of your children during whatever days your father and I have left. You must accept your sister as well for she would find a job there or maybe you could help her?

  Dear son, I wait for your impending reply of acceptance of our offer.

  Walaikumussalam

‘’What is she? And what sort of language is that? Are you part of the Adam’s family?’’ Helda quipped playfully.

 Al let out a breath of laughter, least of all offended.

‘’Are you sure you translated to me the right words, Honey?’’ Helda repeated.

‘’Yes, my mom speaks, talks and writes like that.’’

‘’What did she do before she retired?’’ Helda was curious.

‘’Believe it or not, an English AND an Arabic teacher. She always believed that English language would one day rule the world. You must believe cause I learnt English from her.’’

‘’Is that even allowed? To teach English in somewhere uhmmm …Holy?’’ Helda naively posed.

‘’She taught the Royal family’s children for future business warfare.’’

‘’What does that even mean, business warfare?’’

‘’Don’t ask me, I’m not into business.’’

‘’I know she is your mother but we need to talk about this thoroughly. Your mother is coming and your family wants to come here and I don’t even know them!’’ Helda panicked.

  Al just kept quiet, in deep thoughts.

‘’I can’t reject my parents to come to our house! They have indeed taken care of me till I started work!’’ Al affirmed.

‘’But this is my house too, Al! Our House!’’

‘’I am sorry dear, I am afraid I have to tell them to come with open arms.’’

‘’ We are not done talking, Al .WE ARE SOOO NOT FUCKING DONE TALKING!’’ Helda went hysterical and slammed the door shut behind her trying to carry herself properly with her twins in her.

 The loud bang woke Fiz up in shock sending him to another wailing start.

 Al was now under a lot of stress for he could not ease the situation. His baby’s   seemingly rebellious behavior at such a time and Helda’s equally caustic display were both creeping onto him.

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The Torture Delivery

  Week after weeks, there was bitter silence in the house. No talks, no exchange of words or whatsoever between husband and wife. This worried Al as Helda was due anytime for the twins. Helda was not the type who gave in much when it came to having an agreement or discussions. She was, after all, once a lawyer. Al was lost in a part wife and part family battle in his head. It’s a psychological warfare and having a pressurizing work did not help. His smoking escalated to thirty cigarettes a day.

  Al also was going through immigration clearance for his family’s arrival. It was easy back then for immigrants especially in Asia especially in developing countries.

  Another week passed and Helda’s water broke. Unfortunately, Al was at work at that very time. All Helda could do was to scream for help from her neighbours. The contractions went wild and she was already in labour. She literally crawled with her two hands, crying in pain. Her crawl from the kitchen to the main door was one of the longest journey for Hilda. She called out for Natasha, her English neighbour, her good friend.

 ‘’Natasha!!!... Natasha!!!! Help me!! Help!!! Anybody, help me!!!’’ Her hysterical shrill definitely caught the attention of the passersby.. An Asian lady from the street ran to her aid and asked in strange English, ‘’Why! Why! Why!!??’’ . ‘’I’m in labour! Baby! Babies! Call my neighbour, Natasha!’’ She screamed and pointed at her neighbour’s house opposite.

The Asian lady got the cue and rushed opposite and knocked on the Natasha’s door ‘’Your friend! Baby! Baby!’’ gesturing hard to explain to Natasha when she opened her door and pointed across to Hilda’s house. ‘’Holy Jesus!! Daniel!!! Grab my bag and come with me to the hospital, now and call daddy at the backyard!’’ Natasha screamed to her teenage son staring at his comic book in the living room.

 The four of them ran to Helda’s aid. ‘’Why are you following us?! Get the car!!!’’ Natasha ordered her husband. Natasha’s husband ran back to his house and got the keys to the car. All four of them managed to get Helda into the car and drove off straight to the hospital except for the very helpful Asian lady. They thanked her in a huff before speeding off. Helda screamed in pain with her head on Natasha’s lap on the passengers’ seat.

‘’My dear, we are reaching, my love, we are reaching. Breathe!’’ Natasha wiped Helda’s wet forehead. Daniel had a very terrified look on his face like his father.

 The nurses and a doctor rushed to Helda on the wheeled hospital bed. ‘’Relax, breathe, relax’’ the doctor calmly instructed. *Smack!* the doctor got slapped hard from both Helda and Natasha.

‘’I’m in labour you fucking expert! Don’t tell me to relax! You are not delivering my baby!’’ Helda screamed in pain and anger. The doctor jumped yet it was a funny sight in an intense moment.

 Helda managed to give Natasha’s husband the address to Al’s workplace to fetch him over.

  An hour later, Al arrived at the hospital and sprinted to the labour room, bursting the door open.

‘’Where’s my wife?! Where’s my wife?! Where’s my wife Helda?!’’ Al was at the top of his voice like a shameless lost man.

‘’Here, sir!’’ the nurse directed.

 Helda had complications so she had to go through cesarean section immediately. Harris signed some papers and straight to Helda’s side.

‘’My love, hold my hand I’ll be here we had our problems but we cant think of that now’’ Al comforted her.

 Helda was struggling to utter something but her incoherence was overcome by her painful moans and deep groans. Al held her hand and breathed along with her.

  Helda lost a lot of blood and was extremely weak after delivering her twins. In fact, she slept for two days and had to be fed through the tube. She had to go through blood transfusion to recover the blood loss. All I have to say, the pain to just imagine, is tremendously impossible to imagine.

 She woke two days later, still weak. Her first words were ‘’Where’s my baby?’’ to Al napping beside her bed.

‘’Helda! Oh Allah the Merciful!’’ Al. Al kissed her forehead and hugged her as gently as possible so as to not hurt her almost lame body. Al ran to the reception to look for nurses and the doctor delivering their baby.

‘’Will you please bring our twins and call the doctor immediately, please!?’’

 “We’ll be there soon!’’ one of the nurses replied robotically.

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Uncalled for

  Four months later, Helda’s in-laws arrived to where they were. It was not one of the best days for Helda as she did not know what to expect. She did not know what to do or what to even say. The word ‘Welcome’ was fake when she mentioned it to her in-laws.

‘’Hello! I’m Helda’’ Helda said while she wanted to kiss her mother in-law’s hand and cheeks to display her basic knowledge of the Muslim’s greeting. Her sister was not even interested to reply to her. Her father in-law however was friendlier than both of them.

 ‘’Where are my grandchildren, Al?’’ Al’s mother asked coldly, dressed in a dark cloak-like outfit.

 ‘’They are napping, mother’’ Al smiled.

 ‘’Let me see them, anyway’’ Al’s mother persisted looking around the house loftily as if in quick survey.

 ‘’Helda, will you take them to the children’s room?

 ‘’Of course..’’ Helda hesitantly agreed. Hilda never liked her children to be disturbed while they were sleeping but that was not a time to display her dislikes so everything seemed to be in the affirmative.

‘’Hmm.. So this one must be Fiz, Helen and Syd, right?’’ pointing out to each of them with her head closer to the cots.

‘’Yes’’ Helda smiled nervously.

‘’Why is Syd so much tinier than his twin sister?’’ Helda’s mother in-law asked morbidly.

‘’Well, didn’t Al tell you?’’ Helda replied.

‘’Mind your language, woman. Why would I ask then? I’ll deal with him later’’ her hostility was apparent adding to her already cold demeanour.

‘’He’s not fully developed and may have future complications’’ Helda stated with her eyes on the floor.

‘’My apologies, Hilda. I cannot believe how unfortunate you the mother will have to go through and feel’’ Hilda’s mother-in-law touched the babies’ tiny cheeks and then looked straight at her.

‘’Looks like he’s also paying for both of your sins’’

Helda cupped her hands upon hearing what her mother-in-law had to say. It was horrific and uncalled for.

‘’How dare you..’’ Helda whispered in her stunned but teary eyes to her.

Helda’s mother-in-law walked out from the children’s room with a face that screamed unperturbed. So unperturbed indeed that her calmness displayed a mocking air of regality.

Helda slowly got to her knees beside the cots and sobbed hard whilst putting her hands on her mouth so as not to wake her babies up.

  In just a matter of minutes, Helda realized her world and family was going to change ten folds in a way one could never imagine or want to ever imagine.

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Derailed

   As years went by, the life of how a family should be was not how it should be. Helda had gone off the track. Her in-laws never left her alone. Constant arguments and accusations between them very much caused by Helda’s fiery sister and mother-in-law. Her only husband left for work early every morning and got back late at night. Many times her kids were neglected and were not paid any attention. The three children lived under constant war at home. Everything Helda did for the family would be interrupted by her in-laws and no surprises, nothing she did was good enough. Her cooking would not be good, the place was not clean enough and fights would sometimes even break out between Helda and her sister-in law. There were no role models at home for the children. It got much worse when Helda’s father-in-law passed away from old age. Surprisingly, the only one who took care before he passed on was Helda herself. She played a big role in taking care of him unlike his wife and daughter who were merely ordering her around.

  On the day that he finally passed away, Helda was accused of contributing to his death by the two other ladies. Helda was in constant disarray. Her husband would not believe her complaints and pleas. We wonder why she still stayed with the in-laws? Well, she did not want to leave her husband and took along her children. Seldom, her children would meet up with their grandfather, Harris, back in Holland. Syd had grown attached to him so dearly and would cry for attention not even to his own mother.

Life was a torture and she would get no rest emotionally and mentally. Just a wreck. Al believed that things at home were good. On his day off, he would also go to work for extra hours.

 Abuse started. Helda started abusing the kids especially Syd who wanted nobody but only his grandfather. Syd showed disgust toward his grandmother and aunt and had little  bond with his mother. Many times during Syd’s tender age, he would get slapped and pushed around like a toy. This will be witnessed by both Fiz and Helen. Both scarred from the recurring abuse of Syd and sometimes themselves too. Things in the household got worse every single day. At times, her in-laws would see it too and shunned Helda as immoral, crazy or a mere Satan. Al was told of the abuse that Helda could not handle the pressure.

 ‘’One day! I’ll have my life back and leave all of you to die!!!! Die!!’’ Helda lashed out like a red rag to a bull. 

 Once, Helda slapped Helen so hard, it knocked the innocent child unconscious. Because Helen could not finish her food and that was too rude for Helda . Her mother-in-law would then defend Helen and quarreled with Helda endlessly throughout the day.

Helda have had a huge dismissal of mental clarity.

 ‘’Divorce her I say! Listen to your mother!’’ Al’s mother ordered her son.

‘’Yes! I agree. She has gone crazy! So much for your smart wife!’’ Al’s sister rubbed further salt.

  No matter what his mother and sister said nor claimed, divorce was never an option to Al.

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Plunged

 Life plunged further, deeper into the crevices of the soul of pain. Helda would take ‘off-days’ to reclaim her mental being by going out much more often than taking care of her children.  It took a turn for the worst when her children and husband made little effort to spend time with her as was once before, a loving mother, wife and a wonderful life. Helda had become a stranger to commitment and life. She excluded herself from housework and the well-being of her children. Al would scold her without any base of understanding. At times Al would enforce to Helda  ‘’You must love my mother!’’ Helda’s reaction of course would be far from being nice.

 ‘’Love your mother??, Love your mother?? Really? Let me state the fact oh-my-dear-husband. I married you for you and the kids not your family who’re supposedly pious and loving! Cause they are not! They are just a piece of home-wrecking humans to have given me nothing but the worst! – THE WORST!’’ Helda screamed in rage.

‘’Oh stop it! You are supposed to be sharing life not fighting with them!’’ Al rebutted.

‘’I’d so love to see that if you’re a white married woman who did not grow up an Arab covering the damn face! I mean, you don’t even fucking believe me! Did you remember how they rejected you, do you? Let me answer that – NOOOO!!’’ Helda yelled with no more tears in her eyes but looking so disheveled like a zombie.

‘’Your fucking sister is nothing but a piece of shit who has no life or work but to just judge, I mean, HEY! I WAS THERE FOR YOUR AILING FATHER! NOT THEM!!! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?! YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN WORKING!’’ Helda, screaming at the top of her lungs making sure her in laws heard her from the other room.

 It was a crucial moment during that particular quarrel. Helda went to the kitchen, took off her shirt leaving her bra on and tried to commit suicide. She slashed her wrists in anger with blood oozing profusely on her arms and shouted ‘’Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!’’ she continued slashing every part of her body. Syd happened to be there, since he was still young, somehow, he understood the gruesome sight. He wailed like none of the family heard him wail before. This shocked Syd’s Dad who ran to the kitchen. Helda, was  already unconscious on the floor with a pool of blood, literally. Al saw and was in a fit of confusion not knowing what to do. Helda’s head seemed to have a deep cut from the fall hit by the edge of the dining table in the kitchen where it left a mark. Al’s sister and mother came out of their rooms, baffled. They were shocked with guilt.

 In quick mental response, Al carried Helda to the car and zoomed off to the hospital  at 7pm that evening.

 A day passed, Helda was thankfully alright. She did not slash any of her nerves even though the slash wounds were eminent, especially on her wrists. Doctors said she had lost a lot of blood. Again. The police got involved questioning the three adults. It was a potential suicide case. It was a traumatic experience for both Al and Syd who witnessed the slashing. It did not affect Fiz and Helen much and only understood that their mother was sick and needed aid from the hospital.

 Syd could not eat much and or even had a peaceful sleep. Somehow Helda’s case managed to be dismissed as sheer depression from the psychiatrist. It was easier back then for such cases to surface and be dismissed for lack of understanding (or money under the table). Al was not working for a month on that period to oversee his children while his wife was in the hospital recuperating from emotional and physical issues.

‘’Please, Al, I want and need to go back to my father. I want a divorce if you’re not coming with me and I want one of my own brought back with me’’ Helda on the hospital bed told Al who was left with no words but a trail of tears.

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AaarmserTam!

‘’Wee see dada, Mama? In AarmserTam, Mama?’’ Syd flashed his irresistibly cute pixie look.

‘’Yes, Syd., Amsterdam. See Dada’’ Helda, while reading a tabloid on the car.

‘’We take the plane, Mama?’’ Syd, full of questions and looking around, fidgeting his small hands and feet.

‘’Of course, dear’’ Helda, replied calmly as if nothing was bothering her on the surface.

 It was slightly evident that Helda was trying hard to be her once  happy, carefree self. She was trying with baby steps but more importantly, she was really trying. It has been declared that the beginning of the separation between Helda and Al and Syd with the rest of his siblings, Fiz and Helen. The decision to separate the kids were however not strong. No one knew what was the best but Helda had chosen to pick the Bad over the Worse.

 Helda ran towards her father upon arrival at the footsteps and cried buckets. Harris’s fatherly instincts was to just hold her and calm her down. Letters he received did not explain the most painful part of the experience even though Helda did write it out clearly. Ambiguity clouded her thoughts with repetitive words describing lethargy, surrender and hurt.

‘’I’m staying here for good, Dad’’ Helda shot a straight face.

‘’Please do’’ Harris welcomed without further thoughts,

 Syd was watching the whole time with his head tilted a little bit to the right, wondering why his mother was crying so much. Syd was then approached by his Dada and carried into the house. Syd hugged Harris too and cried, probably mimicking his mother’s earlier actions. But in truth Syd really did miss his grandfather dearly. So by probably crying like his mother, that could be what he thought his mother was missing her Dad badly.

‘’So, what happens to Fiz and Helen?’’ Harris asked.

‘’They are going to stay there for a while with Al and them while I figure something out’’ Helda replied softly.

Harris just kept quiet, as whatever that came out from Helda’s mouth did not make much sense. (what with all the accumulated trauma)

‘’Syd’s the underdeveloped one leaving him is a risk but then again, I’m risky to him so this is when I need you to step in’’ Helda laid her cards down.

 Harris remained silent sipping a glass of water, not know what Helda was talking about.

‘’I’ll bring them over soon, if that’s alright with you?’’ Helda was checking her Dad’s reaction.

‘’Of course’’ Harris replied, in his new simpatico style.

 Syd was at the corner trying to read a magazine in Dutch, upside down.

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The Abuse

  ‘’Dada, what’s wrong with mama?’’ Syd pulled Harris’ shirt.

‘’Mama is sick, Syd’’ Harris replied while Syd’s on his lap watching television

‘’Will Mama get well, Dada?’’ Syd asked again.

‘’People who get sick mostly will get well and I promise that Mama will get well’’ Harris sounded wiser than ever.

‘’What is Mama sick of?’’ Syd was unrelenting with his darting questions.

Harris was taken aback with such candid questions from the 2 year old Syd. He did not want to lie but at the same time, Harris did not know how to put it into words.

‘’You want to try my favourite cookie, Syd?’’ Harris changed the topic and

that distracted Syd right away.

‘’Yes! Yes!’’ Syd shot an enthusiastic reply.

Harris took Syd to the kitchen and opened one of the cabinets revealing two jars of  different types of cookie. A dark chocolate cookie jar and a white macadamia jar. Harris took the dark chocolate cookie and gave it to Syd to try. Syd bit it immediately only to spit it out on his palm.

‘’Yuck Dada! Yuck! ’’ Syd blurted with a disgusted expression.

‘’It’s my favourite’’ Harris sniggered.

‘’Alright, you try the white macadamia cookie. It’s sweeter’’ Harris suggested.

‘’Yummie!!!!’’ Syd squealed in delight after biting a big bite off the cookie!

‘’This is my favoooo-rate’’ Syd smiled contentedly.

 Upon Syd’s discovery, he dropped his cookie in shock when he heard a shrill shout from the room upstairs.

‘’Do me a favour, Syd, I need you to be a good boy and stay in the living room while I see your mother, please?’’ Harris

‘’Alright, alright, save Mama, please Dada’’ Syd pleaded as if Dada had magical powers.

Harris took off as fast as his legs could take him and to the room where Helda was. Helda was in a foetal position on the bed, with her hands over her head chanting ‘’Go away…go away…go away..’’

Harris hugged her from the back and stroke her head saying ‘’There’s nothing here, my dear child, nothing bad here.. it’s just a dream, bad dream. That’s all.’’

Harris stroke her hair and hummed a tune which did comfort Helda.

It was painful to watch, a deeper pain to go through and it pained having Syd to witness it all.

Helda had  been taking medications to help her with clinical chronic depression. At times, Helda would see images of quarrels and screams from the in-laws that had actually left her emotionally scarred. The images from her dreams were vivid figments from her  reality. It went on for months and months and at times Helda would abuse Syd for no apparent reason and left scars on the poor child’s face. A pitiful sight where at times, Helda would hang Syd naked on the second floor of her room, out the window threatening to drop Syd if he did not stop crying. Lucky enough, Harris would always be there to save Syd in time from those abusive incidents. It came to a point where Syd would be accompanied wherever he was at home not leaving Harris’s sight even for a moment. Harris would also send Helda for her therapies to regain her normalcy and be back to her normal self. The medications only made her drowsy forcing  her to sleep all day and night.

 Syd had grown to be so scared of his mother that he would be paranoid enough to hide himself whenever he heard her footsteps in the house. Just to list the form of abuse Helda  had put on Syd;

-       Syd hanged from the second floor naked

-       Slaps (ones that made ears ring and at rare times bleed from the ear)

-       Kicks

-       Aggressive shaking of Syd’s body

-       Scratched Syd’s face with her finger nails that left permanent scars

-       Continuous beating with Harris’s belt or using a pan from the kitchen

-       Dragging Syd’s hair along the floor

-       Verbal abuse

-       Leaving Syd out in the cold, naked

-       Locking him in the closet 

-       Tying Syd’s hands by the baking oven’s door while the oven was on

Those abuses took place when either Harris was in the toilet or when the latter thought Helda was asleep while Harris went out for quick errands.

It was unexplainable as to why Helda did those abhorrent acts but only to be explained as a mental breakdown. The worst would be cutting Syd’s arms with razor blades leaving deep wounds.

A year passed, Harris had decided that he should make that long distance call to Al in Asia rather than just writing back and forth.

‘’I’m old and getting weak to run around taking care of both my daughter and your son. Quit your job and work here! No negotiating! Don’t bring Fiz and Helen here. Helda has gone mentally sick.’’

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The Stare

  Let us go in deeper about the abuse. Who was to blame on Helda’s madness towards  Syd? Would it be a no-brainer to just point fingers towards her in-laws or on Al? What cause this deep mental breakdown for Helda? Could it be a little of everything? Or bearing kids were not so much for Helda? One thing we can learn is that words really cut worse than a knife. For years, Helda had to put up with her in-laws’ pre-judgments, judgments, criticism, insults, emotional abuse and sometimes, physical fights. So is this the obvious creation for Helda’s monstrosity? Could her taking care of her father-in-law also caused the lack of self-preservation that one should have? I would have guessed that the climatic change was due to a turn of cultural identity? Could also the medication given by her doctors erupted a string of side effects that were not so well studied back then? Remember, this was in an older times where medications were mostly a trial and error?

 Are humans identified by their ethnic race really and not meant to be intertwined with different races? It should be rare during Helda’s time that different culture upbringing individuals marry into other races especially with the strict Muslim values. But then again, which other races were not that strict anyway? A big example could be the whites or fairer skinned segregating the darker-skinned. Were adults back then compared to the adults this era be any different? I am just trying to point at every analysis. What could we miss?

 Anyway, Helda’s behaviour has had become so severe to a point she would hear voices in her head or hallucinations and having strong feeling  that someone was stalking her and seeing shadows. The religious would call it ‘Satan’ taunting her or being ‘possessed’ while medical doctors would call it PTSD (post traumatic disorder or psychosis).

 Helda tried to make lunch one day (beef stew to be exact) in her best of moods. Singing songs of Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald. Syd peeked behind the wall rocking back and forth to his mother’s singing. This little kid came in the kitchen and stood silently swaying, listening to his mom’s singing. It’s a slow approach. Syd then asked, ‘’What are you singing, Mama?’’ It shocked Helda while she was stirring. Helda turned to her son and stared at him. She stared. A stare that would scare the ghost away. She happened to be in her own world. That stare freaked the little guy out but he asked again, ‘’What were you singing, Mama?’’ this time asking much slower with a frail voice sensing the thin end of the wedge. It was a long, pivotal stare.

This time Syd really got afraid and respectfully excused himself ‘’I go away, Mama’’

Syd walked off and hastened his pace at every step towards his grandfather sitting on his rocking chair, outside the house. As little Syd walked he heard a heavy footsteps behind him then came the screaming attack. Syd turned and froze. There he saw his mother running towards him with the pot of beef stew with both her hands spilling the piping hot stew all over the floor. Her face, so evil it could kill with one look ‘’DADA!!!!’’ Syd screamed to the heavens.

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Frank & Ella Did Not Help Tame The Beast

  ‘’Helda! Stop it! Stop!’’ Harris shot at her outside the house.

A sight you might not imagine, Helda threw the content of the pot towards Syd. Thankfully, Syd dived covering his small face on the floor. Some of it got to his left leg and Syd screamed in pain, crying in gasps from the very hot beef stew. Helda got to Syd before Harris could reach Syd. She slammed the medium sized pot on Syd’s body. It was a hard impact on his body. ‘’OH LORD!’’ Harris screamed. Harris pushed Helda and she fell backwards and dropped the pot. Helda went amok and tried to get back on her feet but Harris managed to tug her right arm and pulled her, dragging her away from Syd. Harris got her to the kitchen (the furthest away from Syd)

‘’What is wrong with you! What in the world is wrong with you! He’s your son! Wake up!!’’ Harris shouted to Helda’s face without a hint of fear, his fatherly authority taking over.

‘’He’s the one following me! He’s the one following me!’’ Helda repeated, her eyes rolling up and down like a raging witch.

It made no sense to Harris one bit. ‘’I need you to calm down, please calm down.’’

‘’Get out! Get out! Leave me alone!’’ Helda threw her screams so loudly it seemed to reverberate for a few moments as if time stood still bowing in fear.

Harris shook Helda by the shoulder, ‘’Regain yourself! You just beat the shit out of your child!’’

‘’Get out!’’ Helda pushed her father in retaliation, unaffected by what had taken place.

Harris closed the kitchen door behind him and ran towards Syd, who was still lying on the floor in agony, crying for help and calling out to his grandfather.

‘’Pain Dada! Pain!’’ Syd cried lying almost motionless.

Harris was scared to even touch him. He had to make a quick decision seeing his very parched right leg and motionless body.

‘’My love, you will be alright, I’m here and I’m calling the ambulance’’ he comforted his grandson and kissed Syd’s forehead.

Syd was sobbing uncontrollably and saying he could not feel anything.

  About some 20 minutes later, the ambulance arrived and two paramedics rushed to the front porch ‘’Where’s the child, sir?’’ a male paramedic asked urgently,

‘’Follow me.’’

Syd was still lying on the floor crying with no more tears but just a red face. ‘’Oh…’’ the male paramedic whispered to the other female paramedic.

The female paramedic lifted Syd’s shirt as slowly as possible. Syd wailed as that slight move pained him immensely.

‘’Looks like he has a broken rib, sir!’’ the female paramedic pointed out.

The male paramedic ran back to the ambulance vehicle and got out a stretcher and some other devices .

‘’One,two,three’’ the male paramedic transferred Syd’s almost paralyzed body onto a stretcher.

Syd was still crying from the intense pain.

‘’I cant come with you together to the hospital but I’ll be there in half an hour’’ Harris  told both the paramedics.

This confused them. ‘’But he needs you!’’ the female paramedic said.

‘’Please, I’ll explain later’’ Harris replied apologetically.

‘’Syd love, Dada will see you very soon at the hospital. I need to take care of your mother for a while, ok, my love?’’

 ‘’No! No! Noooooooo!’’ Syd sobbed uncontrollably.

Harris was heartbroken to watch his innocent grandchild in such pain and being left alone. He stood frozen as the ambulance whisked his love to the hospital with the blaring siren, which seemed to scream to the world the chaos that had just unfolded.

Harris went back to the kitchen and found Helda asleep. There was a strong smell of gas in the air as the stove had not been turned off. He turned it off right away and opened all  the kitchen windows and slowly tried to wake Helda up.

‘’I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry’’ Helda suddenly seemed her normal self again.

‘’Hush now, I need you to go to your room’’ Harris coughed.

Harris assisted Helda to her room and placed her new clothes to wear on the bed, locked the windows and left the room immediately. He went down looking for his toolbox, found a bundle of metal wire and went back up to Helda’s room. From the outside, Harris wrapped the metal wire around a few times and wrapped the other end across the room to the staircase handle. (He did this so Helda would not get out) .Got his coat and waited for a cab for the hospital.

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The Rottweiler Gets Tamed by The Bitch

  ‘’Sir, your grandson will need to brace his body up’’ Doctor Liz said.

‘’For how long, Doctor?’’ Harris looked worried.

‘’At least three months and he would be here for three weeks for recovery observation’’ the other doctor replied with a pretty serious face.

Harris silenced himself, looking at the doctor.

‘’Now, I need to ask a serious question for what cause this injury?’’ Doctor Liz asked in a disciplinary tone.

‘’He fell’’ Harris replied too instantly revealing his nervousness, his eyes locked elsewhere except the doctors’.

‘’Shall we talk over at my office?’’ Doctor Liz sensed the need for some privacy.

‘’Let me see Syd first’’ Harris demanded.

‘’You can see him later or I call the police over for a report. Choose. Now’’ Doctor Liz darted at the exhausted old man, giving him no space for a rebuff.

Harris put his head down and turned towards the exit of the ward where Syd was at.. They walked off together to Doctor Jane’s office. The office was neat, in clinical white.

‘’Nice, neat office you have’’ Harris tried to sound relaxed.

‘’I’m a minimalist, like how I like to go straight to the point. Now, that kind of bruise, with over thirty years of experience, superficially enough, I can tell you, it’s a case of domestic violence. Tell me honestly, Harris, what happened? ’’ Doctor Liz, losing all respect, playing the intimidation game.

In his life, the only people who were allowed to talk to him almost rudely would either be his late wife. Being in the military before did not do anything in the white, sterile office with a crossed-legged mid 50s lady doctor, Liz.

‘’I’m a busy woman with many patients waiting. I could just call the police and they would settle everything for me and the hospital, Mr Harris. The weird part was that, the medic reports that came in said you were not in the ambulance to company the little raptured boy. Hiding some evidence, are you?’’

Harris became fidgety and looked around the almost empty room as if searching for an appropriate answer.

A few seconds later, he started slowly, ‘’My daughter’’. Syd’s mother is suffering from a mental breakdown, ’’ Harris looked at Doctor Liz.

‘’I’m listening’’ Doctor Liz assured him.

‘’ She’s undergoing therapy monthly and taking some medications. It was my fault. I was supposed to chaperone wherever Syd went around the house but trying to catch up with an active young guy, is tiring for men my age’’ Harris sighed.

‘’Ever thought of hiring a helper? Where’s the patient’s father?’’ Doctor Liz furthered, whilst scribbling some notes onto the file.

‘’Business trip’’ Harris lied.

‘’A business man making use of an old man, not hiring a helper when he knows his wife is mentally unstable? Sounds fishy. You’re lying, aren’t you?’’ Doctor Liz looked impatiently at him.

‘’This could be a serious case. It is a serious case to my understanding. Social service could help, you know?’’ Doctor Liz furthered, her voice a mixture of arrogance and empathy.

‘’No. Please.’’ Harris, almost begging with his hands clasped together on the table.

‘’Common sense, Harris, can tell you instantly what is the right move. I’ll leave it at that for now. Get it fixed immediately. Anything I should know about Syd?’’

‘’He’s an underdeveloped baby’’ Harris added.

‘’How many months before due date?”

‘’ He has a twin, a girl, who seemed to have robbed  almost all from Syd in the belly’’

‘’Your family background gets interesting by the second’’ Doctor Liz continued jotting down.

Doctor Liz swiveled her chair around and took a moment, facing her back to Harris and whispered ‘’Oh my god..’’

She swiveled her chair back again, facing Harris.

‘’Thank you. You may see Syd now’’ Doctor Liz closed her mild interrogation.

Harris was a little confused over Doctor Liz’s comment. And slowly left the office and back to the noisy hospital hall. Harris walked slowly, slightly limping from an unnoticeable bruise possibly from the ruckus of the earlier happening between Syd and his mother.

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What Say You????????????

 Neurologists and science have stated that any normal human brain uses a tiny percentage. How about the rest? They say that one side handles the whole human activity and circulating thoughts, logic, etc. But certainly many of us underestimate the brain nerves that react to pain, fear and memories. What happens when probably all those three parts of the brain react in unison? Would that not create chaos and uncertainty that  might later project into actions?

 Let us see this particular individual called Helda. She certainly had lots of memories. The past years’ dark moments had definitely eclipsed and hid her happier memories. One would say, negativity or heavy spiritual imbalance. Or mere chemical imbalance. Now the past memories of hers had connected to the fear within and that had brought forth the voices she heard and the feeling of being followed. Now add the memories and fear with pain. She had felt neglect over the years and what had been done unto her by her in-laws and her supposed loving husband. It had morphed into a fearful devil within.

 Could it be, that Syd’s presence around her had been a barrier for Helda to recover? How is it that at one moment she would be singing away and talking to her father normally but not herself when Syd appeared?

 Maybe we forgot another brain function? An outlet function of the brain (if any) that has been blindfolding Helda to expose her pent up emotions from the already heavy brain activity. Could it be, just could it be, because Syd’s presence brought up all those brain function to act up, to trigger the violence out like an arrow shooting straight to Syd who barely understood. Maybe because Syd resembled her father and the nephew and grandson of her in-laws that all Helda could see was just memories of painful days and fearful presence that could again repeat the history of pain and thus only the outlet extension was only Syd and finally not being able to know the difference of reality?

 What say you?  

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True Emotions can’t be substituted

 Syd returned from the hospital after three weeks of hospitalization. He was recovering progressively well but he still needed to be braced, apparently. He needed to be under supervision for proper breathing most importantly cause usually, it did not take that long to be hospitalized, considering that Harris was old and pretty much needed a break and to take better care of Helda while Syd\\\'s in the hospital. Harris however visited the little guy every single day. Doctor Liz got it all figured it out. 

\\\'\\\'I could not keep up! Are you sure he\\\'s four?\\\'\\\' a beautiful nurse said.

\\\'\\\'Quite a handful, isn\\\'t he?\\\'\\\' Harris seemed apologetic.

\\\'\\\'He might not move much but that brain and mouth of his.. too intelligent for that age\\\'\\\' the nurse said.

The nurses and doctors loved him. Bearing gifts secretly with toys and candies and even have a bag for his daily gifts.

 At home, the atmosphere seemed bleak and stale. Helda didn’t speak much anymore and even avoid talking and having eye contact with him. Syd was still in wonder, feeling rejected.

 ‘’New house rule. You help me and I help you, deal?’’ Harris bowed down to Syd’s level.

‘’What is deal?’’ Syd looked at him for the answer.

‘’Agreeing in agreement’’ Harris tried, knowing he sounded silly.

‘’What do you want me to agree with?’’ Syd was still lost.

‘’I make food for you as usual but this time, you follow me everywhere I go and leave Mommy alone. Deal?’’ Harris suggested.

‘’I don’t want to sit all day, Dada!’’ Syd

Harris let out a laugh.

‘’We do something together. Fun things you will definitely like and make you a very intelligent boy’’ Harris was lathering on the praises.

‘’What is Inte-rr—eejent’’ Syd questioned.

‘’It’s In-telli-gent’’  Harris breaking up the words for him.

‘’It means smart  …..clever.’’

‘’Can Mommy come?’’

‘’I thought we had a deal we leave mommy alone?’’

‘’I dee-dent say Yes’’ Syd frowned.

‘’Let Mommy come to you. Mommy doesn’t want to be near you because Mommy is sick’’ Harris explained.

This created an immediate surge of sadness for Syd. Syd looked down the floor. He then whispered,

‘’I just want Mommy’’ Syd whispered to Al with such innocence as if nothing bad had happened.

Syd started to sob. Tears welled in those eyes. A tear rolled down his cheek. Syd leaned against the couch and covered his face. He cried. He cried, full of sadness from the feeling of rejection.

Harris wanted to hold him but he could not as yet. He felt overwhelmed by Syd’s state. He turned around and wiped his forming tears before Syd could see it.

Syd still sobbing covering his heart-shaped face. Adorably pitiful and irresistible too.

Harris came closer to Syd. ‘’My dear boy, Mommy loves you very much. While you were at the hospital, mommy asked me how you have been doing in the hospital. Mommy wanted to come see you but mommy is very sick. I love you too. I love you very much, Syd. I’d do anything for you. You are most loved by me. Look at me, please?’’ Harris held his cheeks.

Syd put down his hands slowly. His face from much sobbing, he looked at his grandfather.

‘’I love you. I love you. I love you.’’ Harris repeated thrice.

Harris wiped away Syd’s tears and tried to hold back his own tears.

Syd slowly lifted his arms and hugged his Opa (Opa means ‘grandfather’ in Dutch. Harris didn’t want Syd to call him by that caused something about that particular word made him insecure)

 It was certainly a scene to remember. The emotions that reflected directly towards Harris from Syd was like when he remembered his wife passing away, leaving him and whatever was left of him and family.

‘’I. Will. Follow. You, Dada’’ Syd’s loud sobs made his words incoherent.

‘’Thank you’’ Harris whispered back lovingly.

‘’ Dada, this is for you to share with mommy’’ Syd added fondly taking out something from his small bag.

‘’But that was given by the doctors and nurses at the hospital for you’’ Harris explained.

‘’I give you and mommy present for loving me’’ Syd seemed oblivious to the pain he was in and the broken rib cage that had resulted. His pure, innocent love was unconditional, anger was not in his vocabulary; just simple, unconditional love.

‘’I love mommy and you very much too’’ Syd repeated, with each repetition he seemed more lifted, as if those were mantras to cheer himself up.

Harris chocked up upon hearing that. It was one of the most painful moments he had to deal with. His emotions were wrecked seeing the physical reality which did not echo the light of love within such an innocent and frail being. Devoid of physical power yet devoid too of the bacteria of animosity and avengement. The gift of innocence. 

‘’Can I have my mac-a-da-mi-an cooooooooooooookie now, please?’’ Syd flashed his cheeky grin for the magical effect on his Dada.

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The Return of the in-law

 It was very early in the morning and Harris could not sleep a wink. Probably because of Syd’s annoying but funny snores. Syd was asleep facing up with his pyjamas and body brace underneath it. It looked like a small dude with muscles, but snoring like an adult. The snore was caused by the broken ribs. Syd had been sleeping in Harris’s room since the start of the abuse. The one night Syd slept with his mother, he got kicked down the bed by Helda from her daily nightmares.

 ‘’BANG!’’

Harris response was a shocking throw of his book. A rather comical surprised action. Harris realized the loud bang was from the main door downstairs. He looked at Syd and Syd was still sleeping.

‘’Wow. That loud and you’re not woken up?’’ Harris, somewhat tickled.

Harris moved slowly towards his drawers. He took out a custom-made cane, used once by his late wife. His action was rather calm than one should be thinking that it could be a potential house robbery. He went to his side table next and got his keys and metal wires. Harris then opened his room door slowly, went out with the cane and locked the room door behind him and wired the door knob to the staircase handle. This old man got his Rottweiler behaviour out, probably waiting for this particular thing to happen since retiring from the military. He stuck his rather-big-of-an-old-man-body close to the wall and moved slowly towards Helda’s room. He opened the door and saw Helda wrapped underneath her blanket and pillow over her head.

‘’Hmm.. Like mother, like son. Or should it be the medication?’’ Harris whispered to himself

Harris checked the room around quickly and locked Helda’s room and wired the door knob too to the staircase handle. He then moved down the stairs as slowly as possible, still sticking his body closely to the wall.

He saw two luggage bags. ‘’Hmm. I’m not expecting any guests’’ Harris reminded himself.

The kitchen light was on. Suspicious. He moved slowly towards the kitchen like a commando. Peeked behind the kitchen door, he saw the side profile of bearded man drinking a glass of water.

In full action fighting stance, with his baseball bat raised, Harris jumped in the kitchen and shouted ‘’Who the fuck are you!’’  He swung the cane towards his prey. In quick reflex, the bearded man ducked just before the cane hit his head.

‘’It’s me! Stop!! It’s ME AL!!’’ he fearfully revealed .

‘’You! What the hell are you doing here and how did you get in??!’’ Harris suddenly lost his fighting momentum.

‘’You called me a couple of weeks ago to come back and you gave me keys to your house long before!’’

‘’Oh? Yes, I did tell you to come back but I can’t remember the keys.’’ Harris said somewhat annoyed.

‘’You understand your condition; Harris its ok you probably slipped’’ Al smiled emphatically.

‘’Right’. Welcome back and it’s about time! What’s with the beard??’’

‘’No idea.’’ Al returning to his full standing position as Harris pulled him up from the floor.

‘’Are you too tired to accompany me now?’’

‘’I am tired but not too tired, yes, you got to tell me everything. Before anything else, I would like to apologize from the bottom of my heart for all the trouble you experienced with me not being here. I have been posted here now so I am here to stay.’’

‘’That’s very good news. How are my other two grandchildren?’’ Harris added.

‘’Leaving them awhile before thinking of anything else. They are good,’’ Al smiled.

‘’I’ve grown attached to your son so much, you know’’ Harris laughed.

‘’Thank you for being here for both my wife and son’’ Al looked him in the eye.

Harris got silent. ‘’Please sit and get me the wine glass and wine bottle in the chiller and join me or just drink the water’’ Harris got longwinded, a trait that would surface when his deep thoughts were distracted.

Al got two wine glasses. He assumed he should drink before hearing what he had to swallow.

‘’Heh! You’re drinking, eh? Smart. You know, you relived my days in the military if I had hit you. But obviously being big doesn’t mean running away from being old.’’ Harris

Al let out a laughter.

‘’Heh, heh, heh’’ Harris joined.

‘’Now, you listen and listen good. I’ll start with Helda..’’ Harris was not emotional, just technical.

They spoke for hours after. Even after sharing three bottles of wine did not leave Al  drunk, maybe tipsy but loud and clear the message was for him from his father-in-law.

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Rediscovering

Al woke the sleeping Harris on the kitchen table and assisted him to his room. It sure looked awkward for Al was smaller built yet he grabbed those heavy arms around him and dragged the old man to his room.

‘’Sorry Al, I’m too sleepy,’’ Harris mumbled.

‘’It’s alright, it’s 6am in the morning now and you definitely have to rest. Let me handle everything today while you sleep all you want’’ Al was now the much needed savior.

‘’Hmm.. I wonder how that would go. Tell me all about it when I wake up.’’

‘’What’s this?’’ Al looked strangely at the wire.

‘’Ah! I thought you were a robber so I got the metal wire and wired the door to the staircase handle.’’

‘’Ah’’ Al pretended to get it.

They both bended and went underneath the wire string to Harris’ room a few steps away.

‘’That’s your wife’s room by the way’’ Harris looked towards a door.

Al kept quiet. ‘’I suppose that is my son, snoring?’’

­­‘’Yes, and he wakes up at 9.30am everyday.. rest while you can and be careful with him. You are not supposed to carry him like a dear baby’’ Harris cautioned him again.

‘’And Helda, you have to wake her up and keep her away from Syd at all cost.’’

Al helped to unwire Harris’s room door and opened the door after. Al looked over to peek at his son whom he had missed dearly.

Harris switched on the night light. Al kept on looking and turned around to leave the room.

‘’Good night and Good morning’’ Al, in his faint voice.

Harris watches Al leave the room. He could see the shadow of Al’s feet underneath the door. Al was standing in awe when he looked at Syd.

A few moments later, as if his deep thoughts had answered his concerns, Al went downstairs and lay down on the couch.

The time was 10.15am. Syd was sitting across the couch where his father was sleeping. He was rather baffled in a way. He had his silly looking body brace still on. He decided to fiddle with the brace locks on the right side as if tempted to eat a cookie. He stopped fiddling, afraid of what might happen if he unlocked the body brace. He looked at his sleeping father from the across the room. Somehow, he was not too interested in his sleeping father. So he started fiddling with the locks. He pulled the lever-like lock.

‘’Click!’’

‘’Oh.. oh..’’ Syd said to himself.

He felt some air on his skin and he scratched after as gently as his tiny fingers could.

‘’No pain’’ Syd said to himself. He had his finger dug deeper to feel.

‘’No pain…  so itchy…’’ he said again

‘’Click!’’ The sound of the custom made body brace went.

Syd had now unlocked the brace, ready to remove them.

‘’No pain’’ he went again.

He stretched forward, backward, to his left and right.

Syd removed them slowly. He breathed deep in and out, noticeably his breathing had no wheezing sound.

The body brace got off.

He stood still silent while dropping the brace. He turned his neck right and left. He got his shoulders in a circular motion. He took a step forward. Stood still after a step and moved again with another step. Now he moved his torso left and right slowly.

‘’A little pain’’ he whispered

He started walking around the couch where his father was sleeping. He walked a round again.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Helda questioned from the steps.

‘’Goo…Goooo… Good morning Mommy…. I took off my boly bwace’’ Syd replied feeling anxious upon seeing his mother.

‘’You’re not supposed to do that’’ Helda, seemingly calm as always, before the storm.

‘’My body felt itchy’’ Syd lied (that was probably his first lie)

Helda stared at him. Syd put his face down and slowly pointed towards his father, to save the situation.

‘’Daddy’s home.’’

Helda’s eyes opened big not too sure what to say. She came down the steps and slowly to behind the couch. She peeked over revealing her husband sleeping soundly. Syd stepped back slowly, as if trained to be wary of being near her, without making any sound. Helda went to the kitchen. Syd, not knowing what to do just stood still beside the television set with his body brace nearby.

Helda got back from the kitchen with a jar of water, approached the couch and emptied the jar to Al’s face. Syd looked horrified. Al instantly got up.

‘’What the hell!’’ He then saw Helda with the empty jar and noticed Syd beside the television set.

He looked to Helda and asked her ‘’Why did you do that?!’’

Helda just stared at him and threw the empty jar at him. Al dodged getting hit by the glass water jar.

‘’Helda!!’’ Al shouted but Helda walked off. Syd was still standing with his mouth cupped by his tiny hands. Al moved slowly getting up from the wet couch. Helda stepped backwards, turned and walked to the kitchen without a word. There were a few second of silence. Al looked at Syd and smiled. His anger diminished at Syd’s sight.

‘’How are you, my love?’’ Al asked with his arms wide opened. Syd put down his hands.

‘’Good, daddy, I don’t need bwacesh anymaw!’’ Syd spoke with such charm that melted Al, who watched and listened intently. Never mind the dangerous Helda, he was fixed on Syd.

‘’Oh yes you do! Your Bwacesh comes off only when Doctor Liz says so.’’ Al held Syd’s face and planted kisses on his son.

‘’But no pain daddy, no pain.’’ Syd was more focused on his braces, ignoring those kisses on him.

‘’We talk about this later, I’m soaked now but I’m still going to give you more kisses.’’

‘’Do me a favour, go to Dada’s room while I talk to your mom?’’ Al instructed to Syd who obediently followed.

‘’Okie! I missh you ’’ Syd now gave his dad a hug again and walked up the stairs forgetting his body brace behind.

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Next Phase

Gone

 Since the first day of Al’s return, Harris had a little bit more rest with his cookies and rocking chair. Helda‘s behaviour was heavily relied on her mood swings and had stopped going for counselling.

 At times, she would be quiet and had light conversations with Syd but that did not mean in any way Syd had escaped her abuse. Sometimes Helda could be brutal when Syd did not do as told. One of the most ridiculous was when Syd could not finish his food and Helda then forced her son to finish everything with half the spoon down the throat – literally. She named it necessary disciplinary action. Al or Harris would rush to the rescue. Harris would also have huge fights with Al and getting complaints from neighbours. It was a ruckus of a house. Syd had permanent scars on his face and hands  from the constant wallops.

 Al and Harris had a talk on Helda’s behavioural problems. Al agreed that Helda had changed into a monster by her in-laws in Asia, finally seeing the truth, after all his ignorant years. Syd was frail and traumatized from his daily struggles of being in close contact with his mother because he needed her maternal presence, even though he was  always facing a relentless enemy.

About 7 months after Al’s return, Syd found a note by the door. It was a note written by his mother, Helda. It read:

I’m done with all of you. I’m just done about everything. I think I am well enough for it all to leave but not good enough to have you all in my life. I’m letting my conscience find myself. I have officially quit the family business and will I never return, ever. I have realized, I have got no love for my father, husband or my children. Before I kill Syd, it’s best I leave. It’s only right. I am going to start a new life. I will not know what this new life will be but I will surely find happiness in my own way. Do not, in any way, look for me.

I don’t want any more relations with any of you. It’s best I leave the kids at this young age rather than later. It never seems to be over, this thing going over my head. Before I  commit suicide or kill anyone of you I shall just leave you this letter. I never knew I’m that weak and affected and not having anyone to talk to.

I don’t love any of you,

  Helda.

‘’Dada, mommy is gone, Dada. She has left ’’ Syd handed the letter to Harris

‘’Huh? Get me my glasses, Syd’’ Harris pointed to the dining table.

Syd took Harris’s glasses and passed it to him. There was a long pause. After reading the note, Harris took off his glasses and looked up at the ceiling and drew a long, deep breathe.

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Mr Bunny Rabbit Looking Around

  For many days, the house was left silent cradled by emptiness, a missing puzzle piece. Harris and Al were left with nothing but memories of happier times and the bad times with Helda. They talked about searching her and reporting of her missing to the police but that would not do anything. Their heavy thoughts on Syd, his brother and twin sister.

‘’Where is mommy, dada? Where is mommy, daddy?’’ Syd would ask overtime.

Once, when Syd asked after the umpteenth, Al shouted at Syd to not ever ask that question again and left Syd crying in shock as he had never been shouted by his father, ever. It was a harrowing experience for Syd to see that side of his father.

 ‘’Let me take you out for a surprise, Syd?’’ Harris wanted to cheer his precious Syd.

‘’Really? Where are we going?’’ Syd grew excited.

‘’It’s a surprise’’ Harris had a twinkle in his eye.

‘’Ooohh ok, lets go. When should I get ready?’’ Syd was raring to go.

‘’In two hours’’ Harris smiled

‘’What should I wear?’’ Syd wanted to look nice.

‘’Good question… you don’t have that many clothes’’ Harris realized. 

Syd frowned. ‘’You know what, just wear whatever you have and we go out earlier, say in half an hour? I will take you shopping for new clothes!’’ Harris clapped his hands in exuberance.

‘’Dada! I love you! Is Daddy coming??’’ Syd wanted both of them to be with him.

‘’Daddy needs to rest’’ Harris explained.

They left approximately half and hour later and got a few T-shirts and trousers for Syd who immediately donned his new clothes for Syd’s surprise trip with Harris. They left the shopping department for their destination – the theater!

‘’Teee-a-ter’’ Syd tried to pronounce the building.

‘’Thea-ter! We will watch a play, a live play by a group of artistes acting on stage’’ Harris revealing the surprise.

‘’What will they be playing on stage? Some games?’’ Syd, perplexed.

‘’Hahaha! No! No! They will act on stage they will tell a story, just like those stories on TV!’’

‘’I don’t watch TV. Never mind let’s watch it, dada.’’

‘’And they would have costumes on like cartoon characters’’ Harris further explained.

‘’Do you know what the acting is about?’’ Syd was very curious.

‘’Actually, I have no idea. Good question. Let’s just watch. ’’

They got in the theater passing through a lazy looking counter girl who seemed to be having I-don’t-care-about-what’s–happening-to-anyone attitude.

 Syd was looking around the theater hall and was really amazed at how huge it felt. They got their second floor seating which seemed only had five audiences including them.

The show started with a bunny rabbit mascot coming out on stage and doing a dance move. More bunny rabbits came up on stage joining the dance and their mascot seemed to show they were female rabbits. They garnered some laughters from the audience. The music stopped abruptly.

 The male rabbit came forward to one of the female rabbits and asked a shocking question. ‘’Can I fuck you?’’

 Harris got the shock of his life.

‘’What’s ‘fuck’ dada?’’

Harris’s face changed in bewildement. ‘’Let’s go out. You can’t watch this!’’ Harris snapped in disappointment.

‘’Shhhhh!’’ an audienced went.

Apparently, the play was about a rabbit looking for love at the wrong places with a political background to the story.

Harris had a ton of explaining and cover-ups and lied what happened to Syd. Al laughed it off when Harris told the story later when they reached home.

‘’Let’s watch a movie tomorrow, Syd’’ Harris tried to redeem himself.

‘’Yeah.. and make sure you know what its about, yeah? Hahahaha’’ Al bantered.

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No More Lasagne

 Definitely nice to have a first laugh at times of emptiness. But sometimes, things are short lived. Al landed on another job with bigger responsibilities and had taken too may time off for his family and Harris was getting more frail and weaker. His once, impressive big body had lost too much weight over time. The once active old man had to being just another old man. With Al too focused on his job, it had become sheer neglect and rarely cooked any pasta or Lasagnas anymore.

 Life shifted to a new level when Al decided that Syd should go to an all boys boarding school to learn things anew, alone for at least 2 years. Harris was only agreeing on two terms that he’s too old to run around and keep track of Syd. So Harris spoke to Syd’s home tutor about the plan. The tutor didn’t have much of a good thing to say about boarding school.

‘’Don’t expect Syd to be the same when he returns after boarding school’’ The Professor said.

‘’How do you mean?’’ Harris asked.

‘’Well, you’re opening Syd to a whole new experience, it’s great, but there will be no limits in anything new and hardship for a young man from other young men are like either molecules could form or not’’ The Professor said deeply.

‘’Well, he’s already got a hard life and yes, I’m half-heartedly agreeing to it but I’m old’’ Harris surrendered.

The Professor just stared at Harris with his eyes squinted. ‘’How about his father?’’ The Professor asked.

‘’He decided on it’’ Harris revealed.

‘’I’m not talking about that and I’m not talking about you either and I think you know what I’m talking about. It’s bad enough he has had no contact with his siblings and his mother gone. Don’t see this as a push, I’m just saying. You’ve been a dear friend to me, Harris, so I think at times of misjudgment, I should step in even if it’s a tad too intrusive.’’ The Professor continued.

Harris got a bewildered expression on him and stared at the ceiling in silence.

‘’I’ve got to go now. Call me when Syd finishes his examinations as to whether I am to come again…let me know of your decisions.’’

 3 months down the road, Syd’s home tutor, the Professor got a call from Harris; ‘’Dear friend, Syd is leaving Friday for this boarding school we thought would be good for him. All have been decided and paid for. There are things I can’t change.’’ Harris rounded for a closure.

‘’I’m disheartened. Can I at least see him at the house?’’

‘’Are you free today? He is leaving in the next two days this Friday.’’

‘’Sure. Of course.’’ The Professor relented

‘Please, do join us for dinner at 6’’ Harris offered.

‘’Most definitely’’ The Professor accepted graciously.

Click….

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Lady Lips, Curly Girly Lashes

 ‘’Class, this is Syd, welcome him.’’ Ms Hawton announced.

‘’Hello Seeeeeeeed!’’ The class went.

‘’Syd, tell your new friends a little bit about yourself’’ Ms Hawton smiled.

‘’Hi, I’m Syd and I’m turning 10 soon, any questions?’’ Syd said matter-of-factly.

‘’You look pretty different from us all’’ A voice shot among the students.

‘’My mother is Dutch and my Dad is an Arab that is why’’ Syd explained.

‘’That explains the lady lips!’’ The outspoken student shot another.

‘’And the curly girly lashes!’’ Another student darted, joining the rest of the class in uninhibited laughters.

‘’Miss Hawton, I thought girls are not allowed in this school!’’ the first student added.

‘’Silence! And learn to respect and behave!’’ Ms Hawton raised her tone at her class.

The class went quiet with a little sniggering around. ‘’Take your chair, Syd’’ Ms Hawton said.

 Syd definitely felt the pinch. The walk to his seat was one of his longest he could remember. Time was not on his side, it stood painfully still. His movements and those around were captured in his vacuum of thoughts. He looked around his classmates’ faces. Some were making pouty lips. Then there were those who were blinking excessively in a feminine manner. He finally took his seat and took out his History book. He was shattered from the harrowing start, and clearly, it was a thin end of the wedge.

As we all know, being a new guy in somewhere new was not always good.

 An hour later, the bell rang signaling their lunch hour. Syd waited till all his classmates had left. Ms Hawton approached Syd. ‘’It’s tough being a new kid anywhere, Syd, especially when you’re out alone without your family for the first time. You’ll learn to adapt, alright?’’ Syd just nodded and stood up and left the room silently without looking back to his teacher.

 Syd walked back to his room at the other building garnering stares along the way. Where Syd was, was not only for a certain age to be in the boarding school. The minimum age to enter the boarding school was between 7 and 16 with, of course, different classes and focus. But in every room, there would be a senior, sophomore and a freshman, a sort of college system. So the sophomore and senior will guide the freshman.

 Syd reached his room and saw two boys smoking in there. He surely thought that they were his roommates.

‘’Ah…. The new kid is here, Alex’’ a boy in the room said.

‘’We’ve been waiting for you, I’m Joe and this is Alex’’ Joe introduced himself and Alex.

‘’What’s your name, kiddo?’’ Alex asked menacingly.

‘’I’m.. I’m Syd’’ Syd said shyly.

‘’Why didn’t you go for lunch?’’ Joe asked

‘’I’m not hungry, I just want to rest before my 3.30 class.’’

‘’Sure? Don’t you want to be introduced to some new friends and go around the school, cause we can take you’’ Joe offered.

‘’No, thank you, I’m tired’’ Syd reaffirmed politely in his low voice.

‘’Let the loner kid rest. He’ll soon see more. Besides, I’m tired and I want to nap.’’ Alex looked away.

‘’Thank you’’ Syd   responded.

Syd’s wardrobe and bed was at the corner of the room not too far away from Alex’s and Joe’s bed with an island table in the centre for studying but messed with packs of snacks, some opened and unopened.

Syd sat down on his bed and looked at his unpacked suitcase. He put his bag containing books aside and lay down facing the walls. He stared into space for a long time. He let out a tear and more tears with no effort to wipe it off. I guess probably, he was missing his Daddy, I guess he was missing his Mommy, I guess he was missing his sister and brother and I certainly guess he’s missing his Dada.

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   Shhhhh…

  Syd\\\'snew life was strenuous. He got easily stressed and usually blanked out in classroom during his lessons wondering when everything was going to be over. It had been three longest weeks in his life and Syd had hardly socialize or had a decent regular meal. He was fighting with his emotions alone not having any contact with his Dada or Father. He had also been hearing horrible stories in the library when he tried to catch up on his naps whilst trying to be awake in the classroom. He, however, was still one of the brightest in class and scoring rather good grades on quizzes and surprise tests, a talented individual in solving problems and having better common sense than his peers.

 What he heard in a library once prompted him to think what a mess if it\\\'s true. Well, he heard a crime activity was underway on a group of senior students trying to steal and sabotage this particular student from a rich family. He was plain relieved that he was not rich. Syd was reclusively sitting at the last lane of the library book shelves while the group of seniors were just before the last lane. Syd figured there were four voices. Syd tried not to sneeze at a point of time to avoid them knowing of his presence there as if he around listening to their conversations.

\\\'\\\'Ok, tonight, at 11pm, we re-group at The Eagles Building and no one is to fall asleep!\\\'\\\' a voice said firmly.

\\\'\\\'Let\\\'s go!\\\'\\\' another voice said.

Syd heard the shuffling of feet. That relieved Syd.  But no....... one of them somehow decided to just have a quick peek at the lane from the last shelf! Syd wanted to flee but it would have been obvious too and that he was at dead end. His emotions from utter shock and horror from overhearing their conversations to seeing one of them appear right before his face. To make things worse, it was that Alex, the senior who shared his room.

Syd met the stare of Alex\\\'s and slowly Syd put his right index finger to his lips and went \\\'\\\'Shhhhh....\\\'\\\'

\\\'\\\'You better, lady lips, or I’ll rip your beautiful lips with something you\\\'d love to try and taste\\\'\\\' Alex said grumpily and sped off from Syd\\\'s sight. 

Whetever Alex meant by that was not of much importance than to just be more aware from then on and find a new hiding spot.

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      Paranoia

  Little did Syd realize he was going through a certain trauma over hearing the condemned plan in the library. Somehow he had a feeling that he would be next. He searched his thoughts: he was not rich (their choice of victim) yet he might be having a something yet to be discovered by them. One prominent part he remembered most vividly was when Alex said:

\\\'\\\'You better, lady lips, or I’ll rip your beautiful lips with something you\\\'d love to try and taste\\\'\\\'

Just whatever Alex meant still baffled him. What was that something that he would like to try and taste?

 He needed to visit the toilet. He left his room stealthily, at the same time holding his crotch. He walked by the corridor to the toilet. He heard a sound. A voice probably from a conversation on the phone, he thought. He became curious and totally forgot to pee. He tip-toed nearer to the bathroom entrance. He heard strange whiny voice. Voices, in fact. He figured there were two people in there. \\\'\\\'Yesssss, Yessss, ah! ah! ah!\\\'\\\' shot the voice. He tried to figure out what the other guy was trying to say, he sneaked closer and heard

\\\'\\\'Why me? Please don’t! It\\\'s painful.... painful... ah! ah! ah!\\\'\\\' another voice of pain pierced through the silent toilet, sending a dark echo in the atmosphere.

 He remembered that he needed to pee badly. So Syd pushed the lavatory door slowly so as not to make a sound but unfortunately, the hinges did. Syd stopped abruptly for a few second. Since he needed to go, he just rushed to the very first cubicle and relieved himself as fast as he could. He flushed and left the cubicle and rinsed off his hands and tried to dash out of the lavatory…… \\\'\\\'Stop!\\\'\\\' a voice shouted. Syd stopped in his tracks and slowly turned his head.

 What Syd saw was horrifying. Two naked boys . One with an erected penis and the other was a very much smaller boy with hair held tightly with an iron clad gripped by the other boy.

\\\'\\\'Aren\\\'t you the new boy whom everyone calls lady lips??\\\'\\\'

Syd could not reply a single word.  He stood frozen and maimed by what was before him.

\\\'\\\'Well, in case that young brain of yours knows nothing what we are doing, it\\\'s called... sex...it might hurt or you might actually experience bliss and bliss is what I am going through with Danial over here, right, Danial?\\\'\\\'

Syd’s eyes rolled to Danial’s face. Danial red face was teary.

 As Syd looked at full frontal Danial, the abuser brazenly positioned himself  behind Danial’s and thrusteds his hip hard on Danial. Danial let out a tiny shrill.

 ‘’Shut it and have it!’’ ‘’See this, lady lips? This is exactly what I will do to you if you do not ever shut your beautiful lips or I’ll let you have it. Syd’s eyes were wide open in shock. He caught Danial’s lips. Danial lipped to Syd to run.

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Thank You Note

Greetings Loyal Readers,

 First and foremost, I would like to thank all of you for reading my Sample book, the rest can be found on Smashwords, I\\\'m Prohibited. Rewriting this book and eventually having people like you to read is most overwhelming in a sense that I did not even know if anyone would ever read it. To my delight and full of emotions of sincere thanks, I have had readers searching for me throughout the web to send me a message, i.e through Facebook or Twitter.

 The best part, many of you were telling me a little story on a certain chapter that you could relate to. If I could meet any of you, I would, personally, humbled. I never knew I could reach out to so many of you and have my voice returned again. Truly, I am humbled and honoured. You just have no idea how I felt throughout posting my chapters bit by bit. I had to go through pain, emotionally and mentally, to rewrite it and experience some of them in my head, at times, almost visually terrifying. I was reliving my nightmares but also being in a shoe of my two dear souls.

 To elaborate, some of the experiences in this chapter are mine but one of the reasons that I decided to agree having this book released was for me to not dwell on the past and instead move on and pass the message of real love that should exist and is something certainly looked over by most. Many have desires of their own (that\\\'s fair) but at times they forget the best things are actually in front of their very eyes and to have more, a support in return. I too applaud and bow spiritually to two of my dear friends who have gone through rough tracks, continuously, to be just understood and loved but never got them, by allowing me to write this. This book is dearly dedicated to you both.

 For one of my dear friend who has passed on, I will not let you down and your identity would always be a secret. Thank you and May God bless you. For because of your experiences, many have realized the spectrum of outreach does exist with substance and content not just superficially cleaning hands after, thinking \\\'I did something good today.\\\'

 Dear readers, I have a Goal. The release of this book and the rest of the chapters, I hope to sell it and part of the earnings will go to a charity of my choice, preferably the abused and neglected (will be documented). I seek your understanding and iron-clad support and follow my Facebook ‘’Like’’ Page and see updates, responses from readers and updates of the ongoing story in book 2! Which will be called ‘’I’m, Prohibited… Still’’ The ongoing onslaught will focus on drugs, booze, sex, mental and physical torture and… (think I should not reveal too much) but you get the drill. Same concept but more intense and mostly – Real.

 The reason for me doing this, I don’t want my readers to just think that I am a hero trying to change the world because I want you to be involved with my journey. A journey that we can do something together. There\\\'s no \\\'I\\\' in a Team. You are my team and support. Your support is very much appreciated and I shall always say a prayer before I go to sleep for you, my friends.

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There Will Be A Book 2. More Explicit to send that very message, hopefully before Christmas.

(P.S: Wattpad Users who reads my book gets 50% off my ebook to complete he read, instead of the $5.99. Private message me and I'll give you the code. God Bless)

Best and All Love,

 Hanz Moniefiero Medina