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Chapter Nineteen
I knew that the boys had a big fallout with Hayden toward the end of our camping trip, what I hadn't known was the reasoning behind it. Hayden had brought GHB, a drug that he was apparently insisting that only he consumed, to our little expedition of sorts. Frankly, I didn't care what he got up to for he could ruin his life with drugs if he wished. What I did care about was the fact that Parker, Topher and Axel were convinced that he'd slipped it into the chocolate milk and drugged both Matthew and I, hence my memory loss and Matthew's comatose state after drinking. According to Parker, nobody was happy with him for doing it. Not only did they believe his denial to be a lie, but they were angry at the fact he'd spiked one of his supposed life long friend's drink.
After telling me everything that had happened that night, speaking about where we stood after our kiss didn't seem entirely appropriate. Not after the drug reveal. This meant that the past few weeks had consisted of Parker and I treading carefully around one another almost as if we were on thin ice, having no clue how to behave and just being downright awkward. It didn't help that Jason was still fixed to his side wherever he went.
"You seem stressed these days. More than usual." Doctor Greene stated whilst itching his ginger stubble as if in deep thought. It needed cut, his beard, and I idly wondered if food got caught in it. Would he save the morsels for later or pick them out?
"Thank you for the observation, Sherlock, but I'm quite alright." I replied stiffly, gaze fixed to the ceiling.
"You've been speaking to me more these past few months which is good. It's progress. Try not to fall back into the secrets and sarcasm, you've come such a long way since then. This boy you spoke of, Parker, the one who you're able to hold hands with, have there been any developments on that front?"
I couldn't help but feel as though he was prying into my relationship rather than if there had been anymore touches. Of course, he couldn't have known there was anything more going on between us other than friendship. All he knew was that a friend was helping me tackle the great big hurdle that was my phobia, which I guess was true in a sense. Nevertheless, my defensive mechanism kicked in.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean have you improved any since then? Become more confident? Ventured down new paths and experimented with...let's think, hm, a hug?"
We made out didn't exactly seem appropriate for a therapy session, yet at the same time it involved a great deal of touching. I decided that it most definitely wasn't the type of information I wanted to be sharing with this man. Some secrets were necessary, even when they involved physical contact which was the whole reason I was sitting in the extremely uncomfortable leather chair.
"I'm pretty confident with handholding now," I paused. "But only with him."
"Have you tried it with anyone else?" He inquired.
"No."
He extended his hand forward. "Let's say we give it a shot. A good old handshake for starters."
I pulled a face. "No thank you, kind sir. I must decline."
He returned his hand to rest on his lap. "Alright, well how about you try it with your mother? I'm sure she'd love it, and though the idea may not seem so pleasing to you at the moment, I believe that in the long run you'd appreciate it if you gave it a shot."
The truth was that I'd been meaning to try it. I wanted to try hand holding, hugs, high fives. I wanted to experience these things with my mother because it was only natural. I wanted to be able to hug Skylar, too. What I feared was that they would both get too excited, their hopes raised to unachievable heights that I'd soon be a completely normal teenager. At least with Parker I knew that he was patient and could wait because it wasn't an overpowering desire or anything (or, plot twist, was it?). What I knew for a fact was that it was something my mother was desperate for, something that she would get far too excited and hopeful about. I couldn't handle crashing anybody's hopes.
"Maybe." Was all I said.
Parker's P.O.V
"You're driving me nuts, man," Topher groaned as he flicked between channels on Axel's television. "Stop moping around. Your bad boy rep is completely trashed now, you're like a love sick puppy. One that's been brutally kicked."
I honestly didn't care. Everybody in this room - Topher, Hayden, Jason, Axel and Matthew - knew I could beat them to a pulp if I had the motivation. My reputation was fine as long as it stayed within our circle and didn't reach unwanted ears. Even if it did, I didn't think I would care all that much. It would be problematic, but it wouldn't be terrible.
"Watch your mouth." I muttered.
I snuck a sideways glance at Jason and Hayden who sat on a separate settee from Axel, Topher, Matthew and I. It was hard for us to get rid of Jason when we told him one thing and Hayden said another. The pair hit it off right away after Jason's return. It was as if they'd never stopped talking in the first place. It didn't exactly put Hayden in the good books of our group. Especially not after what he did to Flora and Matthew.
They were deep in conversation, but Hayden looked mad. Not his usual mad, (which was basically all of the time since Flora had become a permanent presence in our group) he looked riled up and ready to blow. It was clear he was trying to keep his shit together and not make any of us aware of what it was about, but sadly for him he just wasn't discreet enough.
"Trouble in paradise?" I inquired with a smirk.
Hayden avoided my gaze but Jason's dark eyes aligned with my own, cool and collected. "Nah, why do you ask?"
Axel dug his elbow into my ribs. He was probably warning me to calm down.
"No reason," My eyes flickered to Hayden who sat in a slouch, face pink and nostrils flaring. I refrained from laughing. "None at all."
We spent a few hours watching reruns of The Bachelor (honestly, the things we did for Matthew) in silence. It was when Tony was giving the rose to Jessica that Jason decided to open his fat mouth and attempt to provoke me. To say that we hadn't been getting along would have been an understatement.
"So how's Frigid Flo?" He smirked, knowing fine well that it was a sensitive topic.
"She's fine." I replied brusquely.
He raised an eyebrow. "Just fine? Nothing more? I thought you guys were like- a thing? It sure looks awkward between you two in school..."
I subtly popped the bones of my knuckles and let out a slow breath, glaring at both he and Hayden. "Thank your buddy for that, yeah?"
"It's not exactly fair to go blaming everything on Hayden without definite evidence."
He was asking for a fucking whack across the head.
"He should have given the rose to Clarissa!" Matthew declared in outrage, oblivious to everything but the television. "Is Tony blind? She was the one who truly liked him and now he's stuck with the fake boob girl who just wants him for his looks and not what's within!"
Sensing I was close to tipping over the edge, Axel laid a hand on my arm as if to hold me down, restrain me. "Alright lads, that's enough feuding for one night. Anger mixed with heartbreak are by no means the environment to watch The Bachelor in. We need popcorn and happiness." He cut in.
I stared at him. "You sound like Matthew."
After another ten minutes of Matthew and Axel yelling at Tony, I decided to head to Axel's kitchen and get myself a glass of water. The more I watched the sappy show, the more I thought of Flora. No doubt she'd watch the crappy programme; it seemed just her cup of tea. She could watch some utter trash but at least if I was with her when something like that was on then I could watch her enjoying it rather than enjoying the show itself. She'd curl herself up on her stupid couch that had far too many cushions and throw things at the screen if she disagreed with what was happening.
Things between us were... off to say the least. There was nothing I wanted more than to take her somewhere, just us, and get away from our problems. Maybe I'd ask her on a date or something. How did you even ask someone out? Was it a casual thing or did you make it a big deal? I'd never done that before. Girls always seemed to throw themselves at me and I'd just go along with it before brushing them off after I was done with them. It wasn't like that with Flora. Everything was different with her, important. With her, there was a high chance she'd turn me down. How were you meant to approach that disaster waiting to happen? I'd look like a fucking fool. Christ. When had I turned so soft? It was shameful. Did I even have a penis anymore? I quickly glanced down just to be on the safe side.
Yeah, he was there alright. Big as ever in these jeans.
"Dude, are you checking out your cock?"
"For fuck sake," I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. "What is it now, Jason? And don't say you need a drink, too."
"I'm here for a drink," Jason informed me. He grabbed a can of beer from the back of the fridge before turning to frown at the glass held in my grasp. "Not water."
"Nice." I tapped my fingers against my glass impatiently.
Reigning in my temper was a terrible struggle, but I knew that Flora wouldn't like it if she caught word of me fighting - even if it was with Jason. I'd freaked her out enough as it was with Beckett when I got angry at him and- well, beat the living shit out of the douche bag on their date. Ever since then I'd tried to steer clear. I didn't want her to ever look at me like I was some kind of monster again. It wasn't really a pleasant feeling you got under a gaze like that.
Jason popped open the can, apparently staying to keep me company some more. Delightful. "She's hot."
"What?" I frowned. "Who?"
"Frigid girl. She's hot. Thought so back in freshman year," He stated as if it were an obvious thing for him to mention, tipping his head back and gulping down about half of his can. "You seen the legs on that thing? I mean, Christ. Shame about the touching issue. My hands would be all over that. She'd look sexy as fuck being on top in nothing but a pair of-"
"Shut your mouth!" I bellowed. My fist grabbed a handful of his shirt collar without my permission before slamming his back against the kitchen wall. I attempted to control my heavy breathing in the hope that it would calm me down but fuck, that nose looked like it needed a good breaking. "And that thing has a name. I suggest you use it."
"I'll do what I like. You know that I do, nothing will change that." He didn't seem intimidated in the slightest, nor was he attempting escape. He even had the audacity to fish out a cigarette from his pocket whilst pinned to the wall. "Have a lighter on you?"
"Does it look like I h-" I stopped talking and let my hands loosen, fed up, and Jason picked each of my fingers off one by one. "Look, just stay away from Flora and I. I'm not into the same shit I was back when we were friends so there's no reason to linger. Do us all a favour and crawl back to the place you came from."
His eyes flashed with anger. "What is wrong with you? I think you'd best get the hell away from Flora. Clearly she somehow turns into a leach when she's with you and sucks out all of your personality and fun."
"What are you talking about?" I spat.
"Go ask the others. Doesn't matter if they don't like me, even they'll admit you've changed. Trust me when I say this, mate, it's not for the better." Jason was visibly furious, but even so, his lips were still curled into that ever-present wicked smile. Even when I was friends with the guy I'd never felt comfortable when he wore it. It made me feel like he knew something that I didn't and he was already ten moves ahead, checkmate in sight.
Jason announced he was leaving shortly after the confrontation in the kitchen and Hayden had stormed after him, face still a mask of frustration. They both ended up leaving, but not before having a small argument on the front porch. My intention hadn't been to eavesdrop but once the opportunity was there I was hardly going to let it pass me by.
"Why the fuck are you so angry with me? I'm saving your damn ass!" Jason had hissed.
"Saving? In what universe is this called saving?" Hayden's voice dripped with bitterness.
"Look. I'm keeping your shitty secret, aren't I?"
The rest of their words were lost as they walked away, leaving the porch behind and my mind reeling.
I hovered hesitantly at the doorway of the living room after having listened in on their conversation. Whatever it was, I didn't understand it and frankly I couldn't care less. My mind was preoccupied with other things such as Jason's words about my changing personality. It had gotten under my skin, much to my annoyance. It didn't matter how many times I told myself I shouldn't listen to him or shouldn't care, I knew my brain wouldn't rest until I'd asked my friends the stupid question.
"Have I changed?" I demanded, suddenly unable to hold it back any longer. I folded my arms across my chest as Topher and Axel turned around from The Bachelor to face me. Matthew's attention was still fixated on the show.
"Changed?" Frowned Topher.
"Have I changed since Flora and I started hanging out?"
I knew I had at least a little. I'd opened up to her more than I had my own friends about certain topics. I felt comfortable in my own skin with her, could be myself without having to act a certain way or maintain an image. I didn't even need to drink to make things entertaining. When I was with her, I felt as though I had a little bit more of a purpose in life. It wasn't all just about parties, pot and hangovers because I looked out for her and helped her through her problems. So yes, I'd changed a little. I'd spent more time with her than I had my friends. That was about it, surely.
The guys looked reluctant to reply but the adverts had come on and Matthew wasn't holding back a thing. His attention had returned to us and he was very much happy to contribute his opinion.
"Definitely," He nodded his head vigorously. "She's changed you a lot."
"What?" My stomach churned uneasily and I turned to my two relatively sane companions. "Do you agree with that?"
Topher shrugged, a little apprehensive looking. "You must've realised it yourself to be asking, Park. That'll be why you look so panicked right now. You know you have."
"You have changed quite a bit," Axel nodded in agreement. Upon seeing my reaction, he hurriedly added, "Not that it's necessarily bad. You're just... Different now."
"How so?" I tugged at my hair, frustrated. I was the same me. What was their problem?
"You don't like to party anymore. That's all you ever used to want." Axel said.
"Well I went to them basically every weekend. Maybe I'm just bored of them now."
Axel raised an eyebrow. "Sure it's got nothing to do with the fact that you want to keep an eye on your girl and she doesn't like them? I mean, yeah, the way you attended them was kind of crazy and unhealthy but now you avoid them like the plague. A little bit of partying is okay every now and then."
"You completely freaked out when Flora showed up to that one party you hosted," Topher chimed in. "As soon as she left, you yelled at everyone to get out. You'd have never done that for anyone before, you'd be embarrassed in case it messed with your rep."
"You don't seem to give a shit about your rep now even though you kind of need it back."
"You always come up with excuses to avoid us because you're too busy with Flora."
"You shout at us all to wear our seatbelts in the car. You told us one time when you were drunk that you hadn't cared about wearing them since the accident with Olivia and feeling guilty and all that jazz. Now you're like the mother hen."
"You go all gooey eyed when Flora's there and if she doesn't pay you enough attention then you complain all of the time."
"You never rate girls anymore." Axel sighed disappointedly.
"You look guilty when you smoke a cigarette in her company."
"We can't mention Flora's name without you snapping out warnings to stay away or be careful around her."
"You avoid us at all costs in school because you just want to be alone with her. It's not like we'll taint her, dude."
"You're very in tune with your feelings when she's there. You go all soft and careful. It's weird to watch."
"You drive under the speed limit."
"I heard you accidentally say frickle frackle the other day instead of fuck." Matthew piped up.
When there was a lull in their seemingly endless list of observations, I took the opportunity to interrupt before any more could be voiced. "This is ridiculous. What are you trying to say? That Flora's changing me into her? That I'm not me anymore?"
"'Course not. We're just saying that you're different because of her." Axel answered carefully, no doubt aware of how wound up I was becoming.
"Everyone's got to settle down at some point. Can't say I expected you'd be the first to go, always thought it'd be Axel or Matt since you were my ultimate wingman."
I stared at Topher. "What do you mean settle down?" Settling down? That was what old people did! What the hell was going on?
The pair shared a glance. "You know," Axel began. "Quit the playing game, settle down. No more wining, dining and 69ing. Decide on a girl and stick to her instead of looking for other goods on the market. You can't honestly tell us that you could easily leave Flora behind and move onto someone else. If you got together could you even cheat on her?"
I felt bile rise in my throat at the mere thought. I'd tried to get over her at that stupid party I'd hosted months ago. I hated people being in my house and messing around upstairs where Olivia's room was, but I'd done it so that people wouldn't have thought I was as whipped as they believed I was. 'Don't ruin your rep for a girl that doesn't even like you back, it's stupid.' Hayden had told me. The others had agreed. What they hadn't understood was that it didn't matter if she didn't like me, because I liked her. The problem wasn't with her, it was with me.
Christ, I'd even slept with Quinn to see if my feelings would disappear so I could get my old reputation back. It was clear she'd enjoyed herself, but the same couldn't have been said for me. I just wasn't into it. I kept thinking of her. I let Quinn kiss me all throughout the party to see if the thoughts of Flora would leave but they didn't. When she showed up, it had been too much.
Leaving Flora was impossible. Forgetting her even more so. The prospect of having casual sex with any girl willing made me feel nauseous. The thought of her being with anyone else other than me was intolerable.
Okay, so perhaps I had changed a bit. She'd changed me. Was that so bad? Did it have to be labelled or said aloud?
"You're all dicks." I said as I grabbed my bomber jacket from the settee.
"Hey! Quit getting all snarky with us. You asked, we answered." Topher replied defensively.
"You're leaving?" Matthew pouted, looking up at me. He'd moved to the floor now and so he sat cross legged by my feet. "But you'll miss the next episode of TB!"
"Record it for me, yeah?" I humoured him and he bounced up, fetching the remote controller. It gave me the opportunity to leave the house in peace.
"What's marshed his mallow?" I heard Topher mutter as I reached the front door. I refrained from yelling about how he was a hypocrite seeing as he'd clearly picked that line up from Flora.
"I don't know, just give him his space. I don't think he realised how much he'd changed."
I slammed the door closed behind me and took in a few lungfuls of the crisp night air. The coolness from the wooden door seeped through my thin shirt.
No, I hadn't realised how much I'd changed, but it wasn't that I didn't like it. I felt comfortable with who I was with Flora, good. I wouldn't change or regret the decisions I'd made that led me to the point we were at. What I didn't like was that I'd realised just how intense my feelings were and how strong a hold she had over me. She said she liked me, but that girl sometimes had an odd sense of humour. What if she'd just been joking? She had no idea that a few words from her could either make my day or crush me completely. Having her in my life had made me realise how dull and dreary it had been beforehand. The repetitive routine of picking up girls and then ditching them, what was the point in it all?
Flora Montgomery was the best it was going to get for me. Witty, eccentric, damn right psychotic at times, but beautiful and with the capability of changing me, Parker, the boy who was unchangeable... But was I the best for her?
My chest tightened. Flora needed stability and someone who wouldn't stress her out. With such a great issue already making her struggle, there I was, dragging her into illegal situations and police stations and trouble - generally just adding to her list of problems. She brought out my best side and I brought out her worst. What's more, when she realised how dependent I was on her, she'd move on to greener pastures like she already should have been doing. Knowing that I relied on her just as much - maybe even more so - as she relied on me was sure to put a hefty weight on her already crippled shoulders. That'd send her running for the hills, running to someone she could depend on - someone that wouldn't be me. And it'd be for the best.
//hello, hello, hello !! Vote/comment if you enjoyed please! I'm back, it's a miracle. Okay dokey, firstly I'm super sorry about the insanely late update. to start with I just needed some time to revise/do my exams but then I went on holiday with my mum and then went on holiday with my friend and then I had to go to these summer courses to increase my chances of getting into the art uni I want to apply for to get into next year... and then on top of that my computer got these mad viruses which basically means half of my keyboard's keys have died so to edit this chapter I had to copy and paste letters in. Nightmare or what. This is what this A/N looks like if I don't copy and paste the letters in lmao:
"Oky okey, firstly I'm super sorry bout the insnely lte upte. to strt with I just neee some time to revise/o my exms but then I went on holiy with my mum n then went on holiy with my frien n then I h to go to these summer ourses to inrese my hnes of getting into the rt uni I wnt to pply for to get into next yer... n then on top of tht my omputer got these m viruses whih bsilly mens hlf of my keybor's keys hve ie so to eit this hpter I h to opy n pste letters in. Nightmre or wht."
safe to say my least favourite letters are now C A D and N.
Totally random here, but who's excited for Suicide Squad? I can't wait. Even the soundtrack is perfection.
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