Twitter: @BlairHoldenx
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*Not proof read. I apologize for any mistakes :)
Love the TBBG trailer on the side :D I have no idea who made this so you awesome trailer maker, if you're reading this, please send me a message telling me who you are <3
Chapter Twenty-Eight: You're As Lickable As Your Ice-Cream Namesake
He's gone. I know this even before I open my eyes and face what has suddenly become a horrible day. We all have the basic senses right? Sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing. While these five things continue to fail me on a daily basis, I've developed a new sense that has yet to disappoint.
It's the Cole sensor.
Seriously it even freaks me out at times. When he's nearby there's a hum of electricity in the air. My nerves are on high alert and whether or not I choose to acknowledge it, a part of me knows that he's there. Every single bit that I consist of is attuned to his presence. The Cole sensor is as freaky as it is a godsend. It gives you the kind of thrill you get when the rollercoaster suddenly dips. It's a feeling that can only be matched by free fall.
And right now, I'm horribly attached to solid ground.
I pat the space next to me, refusing to acknowledge something I already know. He's not here. He left. He came brokenhearted and trashed out of his mind yesterday and slept with me in his arms and now he's gone.
I roll over onto my back and stare at the ceiling, blinking back tears. It's not hard to convince myself that I'm just being melodramatic. After all it's not like we had this major relationship breaking argument. We just had a minor misunderstanding which needs to be cleared immediately.
The thought forces me out of bed thus preventing me from moping around all day, eating my weight in ice cream. Old Tessa would have no problem doing that since it was the norm for her. But I'm so sick of being the helpless little girl who always needs to be rescued. How many times has Cole put himself out there for me? How many times has he braved his fears and been honest? So yes, it's the least I could do for him.
A sort of determination leads me through the process of getting ready. I wear an outfit he loves, skinny well fitted, dark wash jeans and a white top with lace detailing. It's pretty, feminine and simple and it's what Cole likes best so I'd wear a garbage bag if I had to. I need everything to be on my side today if we're ever to get past the catastrophe that was yesterday.
Before leaving, I check on Beth. She's asleep but what's surprising is the fact that Travis is in the bed with her. He's been sleeping in his own room because Beth wouldn't' let any one of us stay with her but that seems to have changed now. I smile as I watch them. Both are on their sides, facing each other. Their hands are joined, between their two bodies and it's like they fell asleep just talking.
I suddenly miss Cole so much that it's staggering.
Not even bothering with breakfast, I fly down the stairs and rush outside my house. The five minute walk seems like eternity but I finally make it. Huffing and completely out of breath since I ran all the while, I ring the door bell.
I have just enough time to stop looking like a panting dog before the door opens. I try to hide the disappointment when I see Cassandra. Its okay, I tell myself. Cole must be asleep or trying to get rid of the hangover from hell right now. He won't be waiting for me, dying to open the door when I show up.
It's all good.
"Hey honey. Come on in." Cassandra smiles at me kindly and lets me in. Taking me by surprise, she engulfs me in a warm hug and I hug her back. She's been such a rock for me lately. Not just me in fact. She's helped Beth in whatever way she could. The hospital is such a blur to all of us but I remember her taking care of Beth and allowing her to deal with her grief while understanding that she couldn't have done anything to help Marie.
So it's good to be here with her, letting her comfort me. I think about my own mom who's reportedly shacking up with a guy Travis's age. It hurts of course it does. I've seen her gradually become someone I could never respect. She went from being a great mom to a good, partially there listener to a stranger. I have Travis now, family wise that's all I could ask for. Dad's changing or trying to change. He's been more attentive, more caring but that still can't make up for the years of neglect or how his job destroyed our family.
We sit down on the living room couch and my eyes wander around the room on their own accord. The Cole sensor isn't blaring out signals. I know even before she tells me that he's not around. My heart sinks, stomach turns, eyes water.
"I take it you two had a fight?"
She clasps my hands in hers but I can't meet her gaze. I feel gutted, like things are spiraling out of control and I don't have a way to stop them from doing so.
"Not a fight...he just misunderstood something that happened and he didn't give me a chance to explain."
She sighs, "I would have stopped him if I knew he was running away from his problems again. I'm sorry Tessa but he left an hour ago with an overnight bag. All I got was a note on the fridge. If it makes you feel better he said he would be back tomorrow."
No, it didn't make me feel better. One whole day. A full twenty four hours for him to convince himself that I'm in love with Jason freaking Stone. If it weren't for the love and respect I have for the woman sitting next to me I'd take a cleaver to her son's head.
He's so lucky his mother's a nice person.
In a sort of a daze I walk out of the Stone house, all my earlier determination having dissipated. How is this even happening to us? The world around us has always caused problems but we've never had a problem with each other. That's what makes being with him so perfect. He's always there for me, always. To know that he's hurt because of me, that he's mad at me crushes me in the worst kind of way. A guy like him comes only once in a lifetime, I know that. I've seen more than my share dysfunctional relationships. I've seen men cheat, get drunk and even abuse their partners. High school kind of makes you immune to the idea of love and commitment but Cole changed that.
And now he's gone.
I pick up my phone and despite the small voice inside my head asking me to give him some space, I text Cole. I text him the one phrase that I know will get his attention. We have it for emergencies and this qualifies as an emergency, okay? I'm losing my mind here. For all I know he could've run into the awaiting arms of Kimmy or Nicole or the other multitude of women just dying to sink their claws into him.
S.O.S
I press send without a second thought. The phone weighs a ton in my hands as I stare the stupidly unchanging screen. He might not even have his phone on him. The battery could be dead, he could have dropped it or there might be no reception in Kimmy's evil lair.
And then the most wonderful feeling in the world, my phone buzzes! I can hardly control the relief that courses through me. I can see the words, I don't care if there are only three of them but they make my heart soar. It may be slightly pathetic of me but at least he cares.
Are you okay?
Time to be brutally honest Tessa.
No
What's wrong?
Before I can formulate a reply, one which states that he's breaking my heart in a less self pitiful way my phone starts ringing. The ringtone I've recently set for Cole 'The Only Exception' by Paramore blares out as my shaking finger slides over the screen so that I can answer. We both speak at the same time.
"What's going on?"
"Where are you?"
I repeat me question, "Where are you?"
"Tessie just tell me, please. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"Yes and yes to the last question." I mumble and I hear him draw a heavy breath on the other side. I could just imagine him running his hands through his hair, tugging at it painfully.
"Don't do this to me. What do you mean yes? Please tell me what's going on?" He begs and for a second I feel cruel. He left me. He just up and left after last night making me go through hell. I want to make him feel the worst. I want him to suffer but then again I'm so in love with him that the idea of hurting him is preposterous.
"You left. You didn't even talk to me or let me explain. You just left."
I emphasize the last three words and hope he gets the importance of them. He knows I still struggle with my abandonment issues. If he still just up and left despite knowing that about me then he should feel guilty. I can't possibly handle another person in my life deserting me because I wasn't enough.
"Please Shortcake, don't be angry...I just needed some space."
"Space?" I screech and it sounds hideous even to my own ears but now I'm just angry. The concept of 'space' has been invented to get men to leave their relationships and do as they please. It's just as bad as wanting a 'break'. You're basically in the same confused state, not knowing whether you are or are not in a relationship. The women sit at home by the phone, weeping and eating copious amounts of chocolate while the men sow their wild oats.
No I did not take that from an episode of The Young and The Restless.
"You needed space so you run? Did you not for a second think how much that would hurt me? I've been going out of my mind here. If you wanted to leave me you could've just said so."
My breathing's hard and I'm fighting back sobs. I hate him, I love him but I hate him so much right now.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize what I'd done until I was too far away. I'm a dickhead baby but I'd never leave you."
"Guess what? You already did. You couldn't trust me enough to stay. You never gave me an opportunity to explain and that's unfair Cole."
I hear the sound of traffic in the background so he must be talking while driving. It's dangerous, especially for someone who is hung over. We cannot have this conversation over the phone and I don't want him to get pulled over.
"I was wrong; I shouldn't have left like that. Just listen to me Tessie, I..."
"You should focus on the road. We'll talk later."
"No, you're not hanging up on me. We have to talk about this. I'm sorry okay, I'm so damn sorry."
"Bye Cole, drive safe."
I end the call and toss the phone aside. It rings and rings again but I let it go to voicemail. So the driving thing was partially the reason why I don't want to talk to him. What he said about space hit a nerve. I'd been told that before. When my best friend decided I wasn't good enough to hang out with anymore, she told me she needed space and look how well that turned out.
Pushing back thoughts of doom and despair, I busy myself into school work. Before I know it I've finished a week's worth of homework. It's surprising how much you can get done when you have so much on your mind that you can't bear to lose focus on something mundane. Distraction and denial are superpowers of mine. It's no surprise that by the time Travis knocks on my door to let me know about dinner I've basically completed all the college applications I'd pushed to the side.
College. Yet another problem.
"How is she?" I ask my brother as we eat Chinese takeout.
"The same except she said she wanted to go back to work again."
There's silence and I know neither of us is happy about that prospect. She's not ready to go to the five odd jobs she's always got lined up. Cassandra insists that Beth try therapy and that only then will she be able to move forward. I agree she carries too much guilt to functional properly. I know her and when things get too much she'll self destruct. She'll shut us all out and recede into the dark crevices of her own mind. That would be in fact, a very dangerous thing to do.
"How do we get her to go to therapy then? She needs to talk about...everything to someone."
Dropping his elbows on the table, Travis hangs his head low between his hands. I know he's worried just like I am and that it's killing him to not be able to do something to help her. He's a problem solver and it's in his nature to be protective and a constant source of comfort.
"I had an idea but I don't know if she's gonna go with it. I thought about seeing someone about the drinking you know...how sometimes I still get the urge. Maybe if I go or suggest group therapy or something she'll agree."
"I didn't know that you were..."
"It's not serious, I promise baby girl. But sometimes things get too much you know? I'll never do that to you again, I swear."
I beam at him but on the inside there's a clawing at my chest. He still feels the need to relapse? Oh god. How have I been so blind that I couldn't see him struggling? I feel like the worst sister on the planet. My selfishness lately has been insurmountable hasn't it? All I think about is me or Cole or both of us.
"Well I think it's a brilliant idea. If you're there with her, she'll definitely think about going. Talk to her, she needs to do this."
He nods his head and when he asks me about Cole, I tell him we're okay.
"Hey."
It's him. The Cole sensor is going haywire and so is my heart. I stand by my bedroom window, not turning. He sounds breathless, like he ran all the way here. That somehow lifts my spirits a little.
"Tessie talk to me, please."
I hear his footsteps closing in on me. Before I know it he's wrapped both arms around my waist and pulled me to his chest. His head's buried in the crook of my neck. A shudder passes through my body as I feel him kissing the spot above my collarbone. God, he makes me so weak.
"You left," I state with a shaky voice.
"I'm sorry," comes his muffled voice.
"Stop saying that. Stop apologizing and tell me the real reason why you couldn't stand being with me."
His arms become ironclad restraints. I don't struggle because it's not like I ever want to move. I just want him to explain what I'm trying so hard to understand.
"I was drunk last night. Seeing you with Jay messed with my head. It made me feel like that stupid kid again, the one you never looked at with anything besides hatred. It just...every bad memory I'd repressed came back. I thought I'd lose you again. I was scared baby. I thought when you woke up you'd tell me you didn't want me anymore."
His entire body is shaking and so is mine. The emotions are too overwhelming, too heightened. He's never said something like this before; he's never been this vulnerable. I am so used to him taking away my insecurities that I've never thought about his. Seeing him like this, hearing these words come from him rips me into two. This beautiful, amazing boy has done so much for me. He's changed the course of my life. He's with me so selflessly and whole heartedly that I feel shameful about being afraid of my feelings for him.
I take a deep breath. This is it; I have to do this now. Fears be damned.
I turn around in his arms and I take in his pale face, his messed up hair and eyes which seem more glossy than usual. Every pore of me aches for him. How have I not yelled this from rooftops before when it's so damn obvious?
I lean forward and press my lips to his, putting all my feelings into the kiss. I kiss him slowly, savouring the feel of his lips against mine. He immediately responds, his arms tightening and pressing me further into him thus eliminating every inch of space. I feel him smile against my lips. Well buddy the smile's about to get a whole lot bigger.
I pull away and push up on my tiptoes, cupping his face between my hands. He stares at me and the look in his eyes is so tender that it takes every ounce of willpower for me to not kiss him again.
Okay here goes nothing.
"I love you."
Silence. This is what you call a pin drop silence. If you try hard enough, you could even hear how furiously our hearts are beating right now. Mine threatens to crash right out and land between our feet in a bloody mess.
Oh God. What if I've made it totally awkward? What if he doesn't reciprocate my feelings or maybe just isn't ready for a confession like this. Shoot, shoot, shoot. I've rushed it. I've ruined everything. I can't cry, I won't cry, at least not now.
But then the most glorious thing in the world happens and I feel my tattered heart start to piece itself together.
Cole smiles! Well smile would be putting it mildly. His lips stretch into a grin so wide that I'm actually scared for his poor face. His eyes gleam, his face regains colour and then at last he mashes his lips against mine.
I feel the grin throughout the kiss. The kiss itself? Well it's damn near maddening. His tongue seeks entrance and I allow him more than willingly. We're greedy for each other, hands running all over each other bodies. Tongues are tangled, lips nip and bite and taste. It's a whole new feeling, a new thrill now that I've said what's always been missing.
When we finally pull away to catch our breaths, Cole rests his forehead against mine and gives me a soft kiss.
"I love you too."
My breath hitches and tears sting my eyes. It is the absolute worst time to cry but I can't help it. He'd shown me through the kiss that he felt the same but the words mean oh so much. I'd always dreamt of a love like this but never thought I'd actually get it. Maybe it's because I always pictured to wrong Stone whilst day dreaming. Yup, that makes sense.
It's Cole. It was always supposed to be Cole-right from the moment we met.
I launch myself at him, jumping up and wrapping my legs around him. I hug him to my tight, my head resting against his neck and drinking him in. He holds me up firmly and repeatedly kissed the side of my head.
"Say it again," I breathe.
"I love you, I love you so much. Always have Tessie. The second I lay eyes on the little girl with her green eyes and pigtails, I was a goner."
I sniffle and he pulls me to him tighter. My arms are around his neck, my face still hidden and I'd like to keep it that way. It's embarrassing that I'm crying but how could you not? How can you hold in all that emotion when you have a guy like Cole baring his soul to you?
"God you're perfect. Are you sure you're real?" I joke, half laughing half crying.
He nips lightly at my neck with his teeth and I jolt while he chuckles. "Real enough for you?"
I smack his back but then sigh, leaning into him again.
"Where did you go?"
He walks his backward until he sits at the edge of my bed and swings me sideways so that I'm draped all over his lap, my head on his chest. I free my hands and trace patterns over his shirt. He shudders visibly under my touch and I feel a sense of satisfaction. He loves me!
"I went to see someone who'd knock some sense into my head."
He kisses the top of my head again.
"Who?"
"Nana Stone."
I laugh as I think of all the scenarios I'd pictured and how I tortured myself the entire day. I half thought I'd end up in jail after poisoning Kimmy but hey, there's no need for a homicide now.
"What did she say to you?"
"She said some things I'd already figured out by the time I got there. Mostly about how I was a bumbling idiot who was letting the best thing that had ever happened to him, slip out of his hands. Though it was more effective when she said it."
"I bet it was."
"Hey Cole?"
"Yeah?"
I look up at him and just like him, I can't stop kissing him. I lean in for a deep kiss and when we break for air I tell him again.
"I love you."
"I love you." He says with a wide grin and shining eyes. It's the happiest I've ever seen him and it makes me giddy to know that I'm responsible for it.
"Hey, did someone ever tell you, you sound like an ice-cream?"
"What?" His chest vibrates beneath me as he laughs but I look at him seriously.
"That's a huge reason why I'm with you Stone, don't laugh."
He pretends to be serious for a while before bursting out laughing. "How do you even come up with this stuff?"
"But it's true. You are named after an ice cream brand and I'm telling you that's what brings in all your fan girls."
"Fan girls huh? You sure they're not their because of my amazing looks and irresistible charm."
"Nope, it's definitely because of the ice-cream factor."
"Now I just feel objectified." He pouts and I kiss it away.
"Don't worry though. You're as lickable as your ice-cream namesake."
It's close to midnight and we're lying in my bed. Well Cole's lying on my bed, I'm lying on top of him. We've been like this for the last two hours or so, occasionally getting up for rigorous rounds of kissing. Now that we've exchanged the L-word it's even more difficult to keep our hands to each other. The feeling of being in love is exquisite. It's like you're on crack but healthier of course. The high you get is just...beyond the power of words. To know that there's someone out there who loves you so unconditionally and irrevocably makes everything feel...perfect.
"About what happened yesterday," He starts before swallowing heavily. I wait for him to finish because I know it's important to him.
"I don't know why I did what I did or said what I said. Seeing you two together, I just couldn't handle it. I know it's stupid of me to expect that you'll never see him or talk to him again but I guess I wasn't prepared. You said to stop apologizing but I have to. Showing up at your house, drunk like that...I could've hurt you. I'll never forgive myself for that."
When he's done, I mould myself to his body and take his hand in both of mine.
"I understand. I get the insecurity because I spent the entire day planning different ways to kill the girl you were with." He laughs at this point and I continue, "But you have to talk to me when you feel this way. You have to let me tell you that Jay means nothing to me, not anymore. If it makes you feel better, I also actually felt the urge to behead him today."
The laugh this time is loud and booming, reverberating around my room. It's the best sound ever.
"Wow, you were feeling really sadistic today weren't you?"
"It's all your fault. I keep hanging out with and I'll end up turning into the town serial killer."
"But you still love me." He says sounding reassured and confident.
I sigh dramatically, "Sadly yes. The heart wants what the heart wants."
"And you want me?" There's a hint of nervousness in his voice that the teasing tone can't hide.
"Always."
"That's my girl."
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Come say hi on social media!
I better get loads of comments for this chapter. They have confessed ladies and gentlemen (if there are in fact any guys here :/ ). So yes my confusing and slightly infuriating characters have confessed! Hallelujah :D
August is here which means that I'll be going back to school in two weeks. I haven't been to one of those in a year so I'm sure it'll be a struggle, gah. But I'm excited! I plan to major in English and the classes look fantastic so YEYY.
Also I plan to enter Cole's book, The Chronicles of A Bad Boy into the Watty's this year if I cant enter TBBG. That is why it's taking so long to upload. I'm planning to upload it in a way that I can complete it on time. I dont want you guys reading the same thing over and over again. So, that's why there's a delay in updates. I will have something up soon.
In the meantime, for those of you who dont know this. I wrote a scene for Travis and Beth, their first meeting. It's on my Facebook page. The link to that will be in the external link section so check it out :) .
Lastly guys I'm sorry but I am NOT taking reading requests. I feel bad about saying no to you but I spend so much time working on my stories and replying to your messages that it gets difficult to do anything else. I have a personal life too which is quite taxing on it's own. Same goes for the whole 'upload soon' thing. I would really appreciate it if you guys could be more understanding. I'm a normal person with loads of things to do besides Wattpad. I love to write which is why I do this. There's no obligation for me to do so. I love writing for you guys but I need you to be patient if you expect good chapters.
Gah. Now that my lecture's over
Read : The Opportunist Series by Tarryn Fisher. Holy book hangover! I haven't stopped thinking about these books and I finished them like last week. SPELLBINDING, I tell you.
Listen : I have a sudden love for country music. I keep playing I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes and Why You Wanna by Jana Kramer. L.OV.E
What are your favourite country songs? Let me know :D
Okay ending this crazy long A/N. Sorry! Have a nice week <3