M A I N E
I stepped over tombstones and old graves. I heard the crunch of fallen leaves and dried flowers underneath my feet, my eyes sometimes glancing at faded names engraved on slabs of marble stretched out over this vast land your mother is buried in — it was a long walk back to your car so I've picked up quite a few:
Camillo III...Adelaida...Rosario...Mamerto...
The name Emma caught my attention far longer than the others have considering she died when she was two.
"Meng!" You called out, your voice distant the farther I walked away.
John Mert...Gregory...Gina...
"Meng!"
The breeze started to pick up and I instinctively reached for a cardigan that wasn't there. Goosebumps rose from my wrists, right up to the bend of my elbows and then towards the crook of my neck I always imagined you'd place your head in if things weren't this...messy.
Your heavy footsteps started to sound louder, quicker. You wrapped your fingers around my arm and pulled me towards you. Not close enough, I thought as I kept looking at the black Porsche sitting under the orange light of the lamppost.
"Uy, Meng, ano ba, sayang naman yung gabi. I thought you'd like this."
I tried to pull myself off from your hold but you wouldn't budge. "Meng."
You said you loved me for the first time, in front of your mom — of all people — and then followed it with a 'but'. I didn't want you to see how it made me feel like I was hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer, didn't want you to see just how much the pain of knowing that I can't be enough for you to give me as much of your time as I give you, made it so hard for me to breathe.
"Anong ginawa ko?"
I hung my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. I can't find it in myself to get mad at you. And I really want to. I do. I want to yell at you. I want to tell you how tired I am. I want to tell you that sometimes I want to give up. I want to not be patient. I want to not understand. "RJ, umuwi na tayo please? Maaga pa tayo bukas."
"Hindi tayo uuwi until you tell me what's wrong." You turned me around to face you and I looked past your shoulder. "Nakakatakot ka na huy."
"Understandable. Ang dilim kaya dito sa sementeryo."
Your frustration flashed in your face like a bright neon sign in Times Square. "Is this about what I said? Meng, sabi ko naman na babawi ako. Na mahal din kita, pero yun nga, hindi ko lang mabigay sayo yung hinihingi mo."
"Indulge me ah," I said. "What exactly am I asking from you?"
"Na ikaw yung unahin ko?"
"Diyan palang mali ka na." I yanked my arm away from you and started walking towards the car.
"Meng, paano ko aayusin yung problema kung hindi ko naman alam? Kung wala ka namang sinasabi?!" You called out. "Tangina naman oh!"
I turned back to see you brushing dirt off your pants. "Meng."
"Can you still drive?"
"Of course!"
"Are you sure? Kaya ko naman."
"Oo nga sabi eh," you huffed as you walked towards me. "Please stop changing the subject."
You reached your hand out and I backed away, your lips pursing into a line as your fingers curled into your palms. "Meng," you said, pleading. "Let me in. I want to fix this and I need you to want to fix it with me. Hindi pwedeng ako lang magisa."
"RJ, paano mo aayusin kung ako nga hindi ko alam paano i-let go?"
"Baka alam ko? Just tell me...please."
I tapped my foot against the ground and crossed my arms over my chest, my eyes darting, glancing, and wandering at everything else besides you. "How do I fix the feeling that I'm doing more for us than you are?"
Your hands dropped on either side of you and you stumbled back. Nothing came out of your mouth the first time you opened it, and on your second try your voice was barely above a whisper. "Ginagawa ko naman ang lahat, Meng," you said. "This is my best."
"Pero bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko?" I said, my voice cracking. "Yung feeling na I'm doing everything but it's still not enough for you because-" I drew in a breath to look away from you. "Because I always have to wait. Yung lahat sila kaya mong puntahan tapos ako hindi."
"Wala namang ganyanan, Meng," you said. "You know that's not true."
"I want to believe that it's not pero ito talaga nararamdaman ko, RJ," I said as I wiped away a tear bitterly with the back of my hand. "And I don't know how to let that go."
You grabbed my hand and placed it on your chest. I tried to pull it away but the more I fought it, the more you held on tighter. Your eyes started to turn red as you fought back your tears but it didn't take long before they fell. "Konting patience lang, Meng. Please. Sige na."
"Okay sige, but for how long?" I said, my chest heaving as I turned to you for answers. "RJ, how long do I have to wait until I'm certain that I'm worth your time? I want to be in this RJ. I want to be with you. But I also need to see that you want to be me with me too."
"Pero ito lang talaga ang kaya ko ngayon, Meng," you said, squeezing my hand that was still on your chest. "I really am doing everything I could. Kulang pa ba 'to?"
We stood underneath the stars that held so much promise to me earlier, our tears falling silently on our cheeks, our shoulders shaking.
Your lips quivered and you pulled me in for a hug, not wanting me to see how you're slowly realizing it too — that this was it, that our versions of enough don't line up with each other and we have to move on. That despite how much we loved and cared for each other, it just wasn't the right time for us to be together.
I felt my knees buckle and I clung to you.
I held on to you because I needed you to keep me up, I needed to bask in how it felt to have your arms wrap around me before we said goodbye.
"I love you."
I pulled away to look at you, my chest tightening at the words I've always wanted to hold on to, words that always eased my doubts about you. About us. About me. You bore your eyes on mine and said things without uttering a word.
"I love you too."
You took in a breath and looked at me with a type of sadness I'm sure you saw in mine too. You closed the distance between us and I had to stop the butterflies that fluttered mercilessly inside my stomach. "RJ," I said, my eyebrows furrowing.
You brushed your knuckles against my cheek before cupping them, your eyes lingering on my lips as mine did with yours. You leaned in closer and I held my breath. "I love you," you said.
"I love you too."
A beat passed and I closed my eyes as I allowed myself to take a moment to be a fool, an idiot.
Your lips brushed against mine gingerly, cautiously, as if you were asking for permission. "I love you," you said against them and I stood on the tips of my toes to let you know that it was alright.
I can take it.
"I love you too." You wrapped your arms around my waist and pulled me in closer as our inevitable goodbye slowly ripped a hole inside my chest.
I can take it.
I reveled at how soft your lips were against mine and how gentle you still were despite me pushing for more. My arms snaked around your neck and I dug my fingers into your hair just as yours dug into my hips. "I love you," you said once again.
I can take it.
"I love you too."
I could taste the coffee you drank before our drive and I basked in our first and last kiss behind the cameras. "Meng, I'm sorry."
I pulled away from you and leaned my forehead against your chest to catch my breath. "I'm sorry din."
"Meng? We can do this. We can make this work."
The wind blew past us as I took a step away from you. "I know it's selfish of me to feel this way pero ako na 'to, RJ. I need you to be here with me pero ang layo mo," I said as I wrapped an arm around my waist to keep myself up, to keep myself from forgetting how the feel of your lips still lingered on mine. "I want to wait for you but I don't know how long I can manage to do that without ending up hating you."
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A/N
Thank you Frankie, Nina and Ellie for being good sports and reading this before I posted it! Lamyu!
I hope you guys enjoy this one! (kahit masakit)
Let me know what you think down in the comments or on twitter (ninnabautista) You can also share me your favorite quotes and we can flip tables together.
Lamyu!
-Ninna