Trigger Warning for this particular Chapter: Body image issues, eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, self harm. The scenes in this chapter may get a bit descriptive but I have tried to make sure they're not detailed enough since I didn't want it to get too triggering, just in case. But in case you're finding it difficult to move ahead with this chapter due to these themes, feel free to skip this part.
User discretion advised. Take care <3
Gathering all my lost courage, I wrapped my fingers around the cold handle and pushed the door to the girls' restroom open.
As soon as I stepped inside, a plethora of smell infiltrated my nostrils, not in a good way. The scent of liquid soap, phenyl and a slight whiff of vomit lurked around in the air and my instincts urged me to run away. If not for Lyra, never in my life would I have stepped inside a girls' bathroom, let alone being in the presence of such strong smells that could force you to pass out.
I went ahead and checked each stall, hoping I wouldn't accidentally encounter someone else in the restroom, though the chances were less since I was standing right outside for the past fifteen minutes and saw no one walk in. All stalls showed the 'vacant' sign and I wondered if I had missed Lyra leaving somehow.
Where the hell was Lyra?
I checked the window for escape, trying to open the hinge but it was locked, for obvious reasons. Somehow, it was as if I could feel Lyra's presence near me but I couldn't figure out where she was. A few seconds of silence later, I heard soft sobs echo in the closed room but Lyra was still nowhere to be seen.
Was she okay?
Reaching for the switchboard, I turned all the lights on and began looking for Lyra, only to find my own reflection staring at me in the mirror. By now, my legs had started shaking and the smell of vomit was making my stomach churn with unease. "Lyra?" I questioned out loud, to no one in particular.
That was when I noticed. A small movement under the sink. A gasp that came from right next to me. Ducking my head, I found Lyra hiding herself in the space under the huge line of basins. As if she was trying to escape — not from me but from herself. Her head was placed on her knees and by the way her body was shaking with each breath she took, I knew damn well that she was crying hard, barely holding herself together.
"Lyra?" I stepped closer to the basin and knelt on my knee. "Sweetheart, come out."
Her head still buried on her knees, she shook her head sideways. She was probably embarrassed after what I had just witnessed. Gently grabbing her by the elbow, I pulled her small frame outside the enclosed space. She tried to look up at me in shock because of how easily I pulled her but her eyes closed momentarily because of the bright lights outside.
"Hey, Lyra." I tried to hold her close but redacted my touch the next second, thinking it might make her feel uncomfortable. After a few moments of consideration, helplessly, I placed our bags near the sinks above and settled on the floor next to her. I hated how unhygienic bathroom floors were but it wasn't like I had any other option today.
Lyra was still shaking and I placed an arm around her back to let her know she wasn't alone. No more. She had fought enough, been through enough by herself but she didn't have to anymore because I was right here for her. Tracing my thumb over her cheek, I tried to lift her face from her legs. The breath she let out smelled of bile and I couldn't figure out what went wrong.
Still silent, she gestured towards her bag and I placed it on her feet while she scrambled through the contents to find something. Tearing open the wrapper, she placed a sour candy in her mouth and slowly began sucking on it, probably to avoid the nausea. I wondered why she had so many of them stored in her bag. Did that mean this happened to her often?
My hand on her head, I pulled her head closer till it was resting on my chest. A hand holding her together and another one wrapped around her cheek, I could feel the way her neck moved when she slowly sucked on the candy. Drawing circular patterns on her warm skin with my thumb, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"It's alright, Lyra." I reminded her. "You're not alone. I'm right here."
Breaking our contact, she lifted her head to look at me. Though she didn't utter a word, her eyes asked a million questions at first and I couldn't decide which ones to answer first. She looked so helpless and lost but when a huge tear flowed from her eye, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Wrapping my arms around her, I kept hushing her till she didn't hesitate anymore and leaned in to my touch. Once she found comfort in my eyes, she started letting it all go, crying and pouring her eyes out on my shirt. I patiently held her till her sobs turned into mere gasps for air and ran my fingers through her black, silky hair to calm her frantic nerves.
After what seemed like years, she finally pulled apart and barely whispered. "D- Diego?"
"I'm right here, sweetheart." I helped her stand up on her feet, not ignoring the fact that she looked really weak. I was about to suggest she eat something but my brain caught up, reminding me what caused all of this in the first place.
When she was about to utter a thank you, her gaze fell on the mirror and all of a sudden, her eyes widened at her reflection. As if she saw a ghost, as if her reflection haunted her. Pushing me away, she rushed to the sink to retch out whatever was left in her system.
Honestly, I was so confused and overwhelmed that I just stood there and watched her as she kept on puking, crying, gargling, washing her hands and repeating. Many times, over and over again. I wished I would have been more in control of my own emotions. I wish I could have held her hair and rubbed her back to remind her she was going to be fine. I wish I wasn't such an idiot whose brain stopped working when I needed it most.
Outside the washroom, I heard another bell ring, which meant we had been in the bathroom for about 45 minutes now. Once she was done puking, I gave her a bottle of water and she slowly sipped, afraid she would puke it out too.
I had never seen her so broken, so disgusted. Lyra was always the confident girl who wore smiles and brought happiness along wherever she went. Who was this girl I was meeting for the first time?
"Lyra? It's okay." When she shook her head with a frown, I hugged her again. But this time, I made sure she was not facing the mirror. Rather I was. And in that moment, when I glared at the mirror on the wall that made my Lyra go through so much already, I could actually make out the fact that Lyra and I were so close. I would just have to tilt a bit and she'd just have to stand up on her toes and we'd be kissing. Though now wasn't the time to think about this at all.
I was immediately pulled out of my sweet, imaginary trance when she spoke, her voice barely audible. "I'm not pretty, am I?"
"What?" I nearly spat out. Thinking about it, Lyra was extremely beautiful. With her long black hair, pale skin, grey eyes and the purest heart ever. "That's so not true."
"Lie. I know I am not." She sobbed again. "I know I need to take more care of myself. I need to watch my weight and- I'm getting so far and- I need to-" She broke down, never being able to finish her sentence.
"Hey." I cupped her face in my palms and dared to duck closer when our eyes met, never breaking eye contact. "If this isn't pretty, I don't know what is. And if this isn't pretty, I don't even want pretty."
For some reason, that made her cry even harder.
Cradling her face with my shaky hands, I wiped her tears and kissed her forehead lightly. "Firstly, you're not fat, darling. I bet I can actually see your ribs under your top. And secondly, even if you put on some weight, that wouldn't make you ugly. Being fat isn't a bad thing, you know? That's just your perception."
Her legs betrayed her and she fell on the peach tiled floor, not knowing how to react or what to do. I sat along with her and let her talk. "But mom told me- She keeps on saying how I have an unappealing body and how no one will ever like me if I roam around with so much weight." Tears started streaming down her face. Again.
Wiping her tears with my thumb, I slowly pieced together what must have happened. "Is that why you were drinking that watermelon juice instead of eating something? Is that why you were trying to avoid cheese, too?"
She nodded, lowering her head in shame.
I slid a finger below her chin and raised her head so our eyes would meet. I wanted her to look into mine, maybe they could say what I couldn't dare to. Maybe they would tell her how perfect she is to me. "Lyra, baby, tell me the truth, okay? Are you a- an- anorexic?"
She started sobbing, her tears turning into rivulets. It was evident that she felt so ashamed of herself, so weak, so vulnerable and all this while, she kept her feelings hidden to herself. But now that it was out in the open, now that I had seen all of it, she was scared of facing me. Thinking I would judge her, thinking I would dislike her for the way her body reacted each time she tried to eat something.
She covered her mouth so that I couldn't hear her muffled cries and started shaking. "Y- you don't h-hate me, d-do you?" She let out between her sobs.
"How could I? Ever?" If she wouldn't have passed me a box of tissues, I would never have realized I was crying too. Sometimes, actions speak a thousand times better what words cannot express. I hugged her, pecked her cheek and whispered in her ear. "I'm always here for you, love. Always have and am always going to be. Right here."
"Diego?" She asked, a mischievous expression on her face now. "If we're both single by the time we're 30... Will you marry me?" This was my Lyra. The one who always says the most unexpected things and toys with my heartbeats. The one to say the most random things at the most inconvenient timings.
"Yes, sweetheart. I'm ready to marry you right now if you want." I confessed, masking my honesty behind the facade of playfulness.
"Even when I have puke all over my breath and possibly a bit over my clothes too?" She joked.
"Yes." It didn't matter to me as long as I had Lyra holding my hand throughout.
"Will you marry me right here, in this washroom?"
"Um, okay." I scratched the back of my head.
"Even if I have no makeup on?" Her face fell again, as if the loathing thoughts had captured her once again. And she was back to sitting on the floor. "Even if you find out I'm no longer pretty?"
"You already are." I joined her and held her closer. "But there's one thing that can make you even more pretty. I don't think I'd like you without it as much."
"What?" She questioned, colour rushing out of her cheeks. She propped a compact mirror from her bag open to check on her makeup. Her mascara was smudged already and her foundation was cracking too and she tried to frantically blend it again with her fingers.
Ignoring her, I turned my index finger and thumb into a U shape, plastered it on my mouth and showed it to her. "I don't want a sad bride. A smile is all I need. That's all I ask for."
"You're the best, D." As if suddenly overtaken by a storm of emotions, her hand flew around me and she locked me in the tightest embrace, her tears staining my shirt once again as she let all her fears and insecurities flow out with her mascara. "Pl- please don't tell anyone about what you saw today. And- wait- y- you won't leave me after what you saw today, will you?"
"Never." If only she could know this was not the worst I had seen of her; her lifeless corpse was still fresh in my mind. I kissed her forehead and she held me tighter, as if I was the sand that was going to slip away from her hands.
"Promise me that we'll always stay like this?"
"Forever." We locked our pinkies together, making our own secret pact to keep, come what may.
Just like that, we never realised how her muffled sobs turned into light snores, minutes turned into hours and we were still sitting there, in the bathroom, safe and away from the selfish and judgmental world outside.
* * *
Author's Note - Happy Valentine's Day to everyone! Since like every other year, I am spending this day getting bored, I thought, why not make your day with an update? Okay, I cannot say that literally because this chapter won't 'make your day', but yes, it's an update after all, isn't it?
Thank you all so much for 3K reads. Back when I started this book, I didn't even imagine so much for it. Now that I think, we're so close to the end. Just 4-5 chapters left.
How was this chapter? I won't ask too many questions... Just let me know what you think by commenting, cool?
To everyone out there who's judging yourself by your shape and size, we're humans, not articles. Don't beat yourself about how you look because love is intangible and seriously, we're not supposed to be targets of anyone's superiority-inferiority game, at least when they don't know what we really are inside that mass of skin/ fats.
Random Question - For Valentine's day (whether couple/ single), tell me what you did till now. It could also be 'got bored', 'nothing', 'internet', 'romantic date'. Idm, I won't judge you.
So, tell me, what were you doing before reading this update.
Read, Vote, Comment, Share, Follow because life is short <3