I felt as though Meilin had forgotten that I was in the palace once more. It was just like in the beginning of our relationship when he was doing whatever and I was cooped up in the room. He didn't call for me or seek me out throughout the whole day, but I couldn't blame him with everything that was happening. He was probably with Vita, or maybe going over political things about what to do with Keung's body, or what to tell the public. He was busy, he was the emperor, and he was emotionally in turmoil with what happened with Vita. It wasn't his fault, but I missed him. Two months without him and I wanted him by my side once more.
The rest of the day I spent in the bedroom lying in bed. I wasn't feeling the best and I felt nauseous; I couldn't stop thinking about how Meilin had broken each and every bone in Keung's body. One hand to his forearm and snap. A kick to his ribs and multiple cracks. One foot on his leg and another snap. Meilin's strength was terrifying, but that didn't stop me from loving him.
When the night crept on and on, I finally couldn't handle it anymore and after dressing up, left the room. Soldiers were stationed in the hallways, a few of them that had been in the final battle against Keung were talking about what had happened. My stomach churned as their voices drifted to me and I heard some of the gruesome details.
"Commander Bolin was so calm and intense," the soldier said. "His Majesty was calm too, until . . . "
I hesitated and drew near the hallway. Peeking from the wall, I saw that there were three soldiers standing near one of the doors talking. They all were dressed in their uniforms and it looked like they were about to go and celebrate. They were all in their mid to late thirties.
"Well, that foreigner was his family, right?"
"Kind of like adopted family."
"Still, I didn't think he would kill Keung like that . . . "
"The war is over; at least now I can go to my wife." The soldier laughed while another snorted.
"You know exactly where most of the soldiers are going!" The soldier slapped the other's shoulder. "Commander Bolin left for the brothel not too long ago. Can't blame him; it's been too long—"
I stopped listening and started making my way down the other hall once more, my mind wrapped around Meilin and how he was doing. It was expected that he was upset and still frustrated with what happened to Vita, but I could only imagine what my news would mean to him. At this moment, he didn't seem like he was going to care. He was preoccupied with so many other things.
On my way to find Meilin, I found Bohai standing in front of a trio of young soldiers. All the soldiers had their heads hung low as Bohai looked down at them. His expression was somewhat amused while the three looked embarrassed and ashamed.
"Bohai," I said when I came to him. One of the soldier's raised his eyes and met mine, his dark eyes widening as he stared at me. I turned to the Commander. "Do you—"
Bohai had his arms crossed over his chest and he was frowning, but I could see the amusement flickering within his gaze. Something was off about the situation, but I couldn't pin point exactly what. The three soldiers looked to be around seventeen, nineteen at most. They were all staring at me at this point.
"One moment," Bohai said to me as he turned to the soldiers. He cleared his throat. "So, who were you gawking at once more?"
One of the young soldiers squirmed under his scrutiny. "Forgive me, Commander—"
"No, this isn't a simple matter."
Another soldier blushed. "Commander—"
"So now you're shy?" Bohai rolled his eyes.
"But—"
"Do you even know how to speak to your superior?" Bohai raised a brow at the three of them. They all were so flustered that I found it slightly amusing. I could also see that Bohai was enjoying this. It was a dark day for him, but I suppose he was trying to find something to entertain himself with. The three poor boys were his victims for the day, unfortunately."This must be your first campaign, right? First time leaving home and going off to fight? I understand, I completely do, but do you know exactly who you were gawking at?"
The boys were slowly turning red with embarrassment. I, meanwhile, was confused.
Bohai tapped his foot impatiently before snapping at them. "Well, are you going to answer?"
"Y-Yes sir!" they said in unison. They all shifted in their feet uncomfortably. One of them was constantly staring at me, a fact that Bohai quickly caught onto. The light of amusement in his eyes grew brighter.
"So," Bohai drawled, "who was it that you were hollering at? You thought she was a palace whore?"
"Commander, I am so—"
He raised a hand, cutting off his words. "Do you know what the emperor would do to you if he heard what you were saying? Especially with the mood he's in, His Majesty—" His words came off as slightly mocking at that title, but the boys didn't know that. "—would punish you severely."
"We are so sorry," another said. He looked the most nervous out of all of them. There was no color on his face and I could see that his legs were shaking. He swallowed. "We won't make that mistake again. Please, Commander, forgive us."
Bohai seemed to ponder on that for a moment before he shook his head. "Thera isn't someone you should waggle your tongues at. I don't appreciate it."
"Commander—"
"She's not a whore."
"Commander—"
"You'll have to apologize to her, not me." Bohai pointed at the boy that kept staring at me. "You, do you like this lady?" He jerked a thumb at me. The boy's eyes grew wide and his face grew flushed. He blinked back.
The other two boys stared at me unashamedly and I realized at that exact moment that they didn't realize who I was. They didn't know that I was the Empress, as shocking as that was. I wasn't dressed too fancifully since I had gotten out of bed not too long ago, and I didn't have any ornaments—save for my silver pins—in my hair, or around my neck or on me. They must've assumed I was a young noblewoman.
The boy cleared his throat. "Ma'am, you are quite possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on," he said. The other two boys exchanged glances with each other while Bohai raised his eyebrow as if he couldn't believe his words. The boy didn't look ashamed and instead looked at me with determination.
I smiled softly at him and nodded. "Thank you, that's very kind of you."
The boy's ears were red. "Would—"
"Hold that thought," Bohai said. "Are you going to ignore the fact that your Commander is standing in front of you? Do you think I'll take lightly to you ignoring my authority and continuing to woo a woman in front of me? What's stronger to you, your duty to your empire or your desire to bed a woman?"
The three of them flinched back. "Forgive us—"
"Do you realize just what you've done?" Bohai laughed. When his laughter subsided, he looked down at them with his dark eyes. He shook his head and clucked his tongue, as if he couldn't believe them. "An important thing you all should know when you're a soldier, is to know who your superiors are. You won't last long if you don't know who the Emperor's family is, who the Empress is, or who your commanding officers are. I want all three of you in my office. I'm going to watch as you all apologize to Thera. Then, we'll start with your punishment."
"Yes, sir—"
"But first—" Bohai grinned widely and pointed at me, waving his hands elaborately. "Bow down to your Empress, fools."
The horror on all their faces was evident and I clearly saw the transition of shock to horror as the revelation of what they did settled in. They all instantly fell down to their knees, apologies filling the air as they pressed their hands on the ground. Even I couldn't help but smile while Bohai cackled loudly.
I never saw three people run as fast as those boys did when Bohai dismissed them.
"That was rather mean of you," I said when Bohai finished laughing by himself. He really was as mischievous as Fang had said he was. It made me think back to when Meilin accidentally stumbled upon me bathing when Bohai had told him that no one was inside, when clearly I had been in there. He liked stirring up people and toying with them, as Fang had said. Though, as much as I hated to admit it, I found the situation quite amusing.
Bohai's teeth flashed in his grin. "Just being a commander. Anyhow, anything you need?"
"Yes, I was looking for Meilin."
"He's in the War tactics room. He's alone I think."
"Thank you."
I left Bohai and made the long trek to the War tactics room. The thought of talking to Meilin stirred my emotions chaotically. He was in one of his moods, and when he wasn't pleased, it was hard to deal with him. I could only wonder what his reaction would be at hearing that I was with child. It didn't seem like the right time since the Vita incident, but that had happened a few weeks ago and yet Meilin was still furious about it, understandably. Still, since the execution had been held today, he was probably still holding onto the resentment and anger. I didn't blame him.
When I finally reached the room, I hesitated over the doorway before moving forward and knocking. It was silent. I knocked once more, and this time, I heard a gruff, "Come in."
I pushed the door open and slipped inside. Meilin was sitting behind the large table with ink and parchment in front of him. The various seats around the room were vacant and it was as Bohai said, empty save for him. His dark hair was tied back as usual and his pale skin was even paler, contrasting beautifully with his black eyes. Though I hadn't noticed it when he had been in the throne room, up close, I could see the shadows dancing beneath those onyx colored eyes of his. How much had he slept? Did he even sleep?
Meilin halted in what he was doing and instead stared at me as if he hadn't seen me in years. He stared at my face for the longest moment, the both of us not stepping closer to the other and instead inspecting one another. Although the situation wasn't fitting, my face flushed with color. My chest tightened and I felt like I couldn't breathe.
It had been such a long time since I saw his face. Those two months had dragged on so painfully slow. How many nights had I curled up in the bed, reaching out my hand to the spot where he was supposed to be at? How many times had I dreamed of those dark eyes of his? How long had I prayed and cried, wondering if he would return to me safely?
"Meilin . . . " I murmured without thinking. His name was all it took to break the two of us from the trance. My feet moved on their own and I was standing next to the table by him. My fingers flexed around the top of the empty chair and all words seemed to flee me as I watched the man I loved. "Meilin, I'm—"
"Come here."
The command was spoken softly. I obliged nonetheless until I was standing beside him. He hooked an arm around my waist and pulled me down onto his lap. There, he placed his arms around me and uncharacteristically rested his head against my shoulder. It reminded me of the time when he had chosen me as his wife, where he had made me sit on his lap. Back then, however, I had been terrified of him and the prospect of having any sort of relationship with him. Now I was overwhelmed with feelings—sadness, longing, happiness.
I placed my arms around his back and we both stayed that way for a moment.
"I couldn't protect her."
"It's not your fault."
"I was supposed to protect her. I promised all of them that I would never allow their nightmares to come true. I promised them that I would never allow a man to touch them. I promised them that I would protect them." His voice was soft and his words were laden in pain. His grip on me tightened. "I failed."
I combed his hair with my fingers while he stayed in that position. "It wasn't your fault, Meilin. You can't always protect them and they know that. You tried as hard as you could and she knows that. They all know that you would give up everything for them."
I don't know how long we stayed in that position and I didn't let go until he did. He was the one that needed support right now, not the other way around. I would be his pillar and his escape. I would be his strength.
"I kept the dagger safe," I said as I touched the side of his face. He stared down at me and nodded solemnly. "Thera has been teaching me how to write. My writing has improved and I can read, but I'm slow and it's hard." He nodded once more. "And I've been trying to keep myself busy. Yat-sen comes to talk to me every other day and we have tea while discussing various topics. Nikator has been telling me stories about his people and how he wants to visit there once more. Atreus and Remus have been sparring and they take me there to watch, and they always look like they have fun."
He rubbed a tendril of my hair between his fingers and listened half attentively.
"Lanfen has been trying to understand Remus a little bit more," I rambled on. "She doesn't want to be alone with him but I sometimes go on walks with the three of us. Remus is the sweetest little thing and he looks so happy whenever we go through the garden. I've also been trying to spend time with Daewon. He's always shy around me, but I can tell that he's starting to open up a little more. I've also been seeing different sides of Bohai; I didn't realize he was as mischievous as everyone has been saying."
"So you've been doing fine without me," he murmured as he traced my jaw with his finger. There wasn't a flicker of warmth in his dark eyes but they softened as he drank in my image. "That's a relief."
I hesitated. "Why's that?"
"I'm the emperor; my attention can't always be on you."
"I've been doing fine," I said quietly, "but I missed you. I wanted to see you so badly."
"And when I finally come, I come to you in my worst mood," he said with a dry laugh. He rested his hands down to my waist and breathed in my scent, his eyes darkening. "I'm sorry I'm not as . . . romantic as I should be. I've never been good with homecomings and you should know that I'm not the type of person to drop on his knees and cry at the very sight of you."
I couldn't help but smile at those words. It would've been amusing and quite shocking for Meilin to do something as out of character as that "I think I would be scared if you started crying."
"Would you want to see me throw my sword down and run at the sight of you? I would embrace you and spin you around and weep at the distance we've been through." The sarcasm was dripping from his voice and I laughed at that. I knew it was hard for him to lighten the heavy mood situated around him, but he was trying nonetheless for me.
"I would rather you kiss me and tell me how much you've thought about me," I said truthfully. Heat was blazing in my cheeks but I continued, "I would want you to tell me all the little times you remembered me, all the things that reminded you of me, and all the times you yearned for me."
He leaned forward and grabbed my chin with his hand, his dark eyes boring into mine. "There are too many moments to count, little rabbit." His mouth pressed against mine and I felt the air knock out of me as I tangled my arms around him and pulled him closer. The kiss was slow, desperate, and hard. I felt lightheaded as I kissed him back, my fingers clasping the sides of his face while he grabbed onto my waist and pulled me closer against him. "You smell so nice," he said between kisses as he trailed his mouth down my throat. "I've been surrounded by soldiers for too long, and bathing is foreign in war."
"You bathed?" I asked as tilted my head back, my breaths coming in gasps. He nipped my neck. "You smell . . . nice as well." He didn't smell like dirt or blood or war, but instead smelled like cherry blossoms. It was odd and off-setting for someone like him, but it was nice.
He pulled away. "Vita didn't want me in the room because I smelled. She said she couldn't handle the stench of battle," he said with a frown.
"I see."
We were silent for the longest time and my thoughts froze over the central reason I had decided to come here. Was the situation good enough for me to inform Meilin about our child? He was tense and he was lost, but he was strong too. Was this the right opportunity?
"Meilin?"
"Hmm?" He was preoccupied with taking the pins out of my hair. Each silver pin dropped on the desk. They were the same pins he had given me such a long time ago. My hair slowly became undone with each pin that he pulled out.
"Did you know that I'm twenty-five?" I avoided the main issue for now, my heart hammering against my ribcage as I absentmindedly drew circles with my fingertips on his shoulder. "It's hard to believe. I turned twenty-five three weeks ago." Twenty-five and with child. I was old for having my first child at such an age.
"Age is a number." He pulled the last pin out, letting the rest of my hair tumble down my shoulders.
"How is your hearing?" I asked somewhat randomly. His brows came together in confusion for a moment. "You're, um, dragon blood has made your hearing better than normal, right?"
He nodded as he took some of my hair in his hand, running his fingers through it. "Yes, my hearing is rather good in comparison to a normal human's. My senses are heightened, but not extraordinarily so. I can hear better, but not much better than other people."
"How about your sense of touch?"
"My touch?"
I grabbed his hand and placed it against my stomach. My heart was beating rapidly and thrumming so loudly that I could hear it. "What do you feel?"
He looked confused, his eyebrows knit together. "What am I supposed to feel?"
"Can you feel my heart?" I asked as I placed his hand against my heart. His hand was calloused and scarred, but it felt so warm against my fingers. I continued intently staring at him as he tried to figure out my words.
"I can feel your heartbeat, but it's not much different than you touching my heart and telling me that you can feel the pulse."
"Bring your ear against my heart."
"Why?" He nonetheless pressed the side of his face against my breast. After a moment, he spoke. "I can hear it. You're not dead, Daiyu."
"Go lower."
"Lower?" He lifted his head.
"Right here." I placed his hand against my stomach. My breath was held in my throat as I saw his befuddled expression. "Try to hear the heartbeat."
The shock registered on his face first, before he stared at me, stunned in disbelief. Time seemed to stop for us as he picked up what I had been saying. He swallowed. "You're . . . ?"
"With child," I whispered. My heart felt like it would jump out of my chest. I searched his face for any signs of happiness, my heart pounding harder when I couldn't see it. "Three months, roughly."
"Three . . . " His gaze went straight to my stomach and he studied it, as if expecting something to grow suddenly. "You're . . . with child? Wait, Daiyu—" He paused and blinked. "A child . . . You—"
This was the first time I had ever seen Meilin so flustered. He was tripping over his words and staring at me in wonder.
"Yes, I'm with child," I said quietly.
I let out a yelp of surprise when he grabbed the back of my thighs and suddenly pulled me onto the desk. He abruptly placed his head against my stomach and for a few moments, there was silence before he pulled away. His eyes were wide. "You . . . You're . . . I'm—" He placed a hand against my stomach. "I'm going to be a father."
I laughed softly and nodded. "Yes."
"I don't know what to say," he murmured in astonishment. He placed his hands on my stomach once more and held on. His touch was gentler than I had ever felt it, as if he was scared that any sudden movements would inflict pain on me. "I honestly don't know what to say."
"Are you happy?"
He didn't waste a second in replying. "Of course."
"You're not smiling at all," I pointed out in a teasing manner.
"I'm still in shock," he replied as he fixedly analyzed every inch of my body. He narrowed his eyes at my midsection. "I can't believe a child is inside of you. My child. With all that's been happening, I haven't been a fan of surprises," he said curtly. "But this is a pleasant one."
"A little prince or princess is nestled inside me," I whispered as I brushed my hand against his.
He nodded, still seeming to be in a daze. "I haven't thought of myself as becoming a father, as idiotic as that may sound," he said as he looked up at me. His black eyes were flickering with a million emotions at once. I could see, for once, what he was thinking. Anxiety, awe, thoughtfulness—he was feeling a mixture of things. Love and excitement were tiny glimmers, but they were there nonetheless.
"A father," Meilin said softly. "I suppose I must learn how to become one."
With the way he had raised the Peccata, I knew that he didn't need to learn anything. He had raised all six of them up to become strong individuals who didn't let anyone put them down. They were rough around the edges and deadly, but they were raised with love. It was evident that he was a great father to them.
"We will learn together," I said instead. "It will be difficult, but I don't think anything is impossible for the fearsome Drakkon Meilin."