I was rushing to make it on time for a PTA meeting and at the same time have dinner ready for Jeff should he come home before I left. I had a plate of chicken, rice and green beans in the refrigerator and all he'd have to do is heat it up. I hoped he wouldn't come home until after I left because I really didn't want to be late. I'd dressed in a straight wool skirt and a white button down shirt. I'd started wearing my hair shoulder length again. I was made up and ready to go. I had several folders of notes and a pad of paper on the hall table and I was jut taking my coat out of the hall closet when he walked in the door. He took off his trench coat. I went over to him and took it from him. I turned to put it in the closet.
He examined me, "where are you going?"
"I told you didn't I? Tonight's the PTA meeting."
"Do you have to leave just yet?"
I hung his coat up and continued taking mine out of the closet. "Can I get you a drink before I go? I have dinner for you in the refrigerator."
"Yes. I'll take a drink." He walked over to the couch and sat down, picked up the paper.
It was with a subtle irritation that I poured a scotch and walked over to him. He put the paper down and took a drink.
"You look so pretty," He said, "Come here a minute." He put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer. He untucked my shirt from my skirt. "Come sit for just a minute.
Whenever he touched me I felt fear and desire. It had been that way for as long as I remembered. My mind was already drawing excuses from the crypt beneath my logical side. I sat on the couch next to him and he started unbuttoning my shirt. I wanted to say that I had to go but I didn't want to reject him. He moved closer and kissed me and as he did he leaned into me and put his hand on my stomach and then my back. I let out a sharp breath.
"You can be a little late, can't you?"
I nodded. I could feel warmth fill my body as he moved and guided me down on the couch. He pulled up my skirt and started to remove my stockings. "Let me do it. So they don't run." I whispered.
"No." he kissed my cheek. "I'll do it." He took his time gently removing my stockings and then he moved on top of me. "I love you." His eyes were intent and I closed my eyes while we made love. When we finished I started to move to get ready.
I looked at him. "I have to go." I said and then I rushed to fix myself back up. I peered at the clock on the mantle and I could see I would be at least ten minutes late. I put my stockings on.
"Come here," He said.
I turned to him. "I'm sorry " I said. "I'm so late as it is."
When I turned to him he reached out and started buttoning my shirt for me. He was taking his time and I just looked down and watched him while he did. I started crying.
"Why are you crying?" He asked. His tone was loving and gentle.
I shrugged.
"You're silly." He whispered and kissed me again. "They'll understand."
It was bad. It all felt bad and I knew it would. I knew as soon as I put on my wedding rings again, they would seal the inevitable destruction. They kept the door closed to those first years in our marriage. All the violence and power. They reminded me, looking down at the large diamond on my finger as I held on to the steering wheel while I held a cigarette with the other hand, they reminded me of the night he'd almost killed me. I took a deep breath and let it out. I didn't want to cry any more. I wanted to take them off and throw them out the window so I could imagine them striking the pavement violently, rolling into a ditch or landing beside a post buried into the earth where they should be left, undisturbed.
I was like Elizabeth Montgomery, Samantha in Bewitched. As soon as I opened the doors to the gymnasium where the PTA meeting was in progress I was a different person. All the weakness and fear I'd felt at home, the rage driving to the meeting. All of it "snap" gone. There I was in my straight wool skirt, white button up shirt, pearls. I saw Connie sitting at one of the several long tables set up facing a panel of speakers. She was smoking a cigarette and she waved to me. She taught history and mathematics to the freshman and sophomores. She had short black hair and black framed cat glasses. She wore a sweater tied over her shoulders. I noticed Matt was at the table too. It made my heart sink. I'd have to tell him that Jeff didn't want me to see him anymore. I'd dated Matt for years during the time that Jeff and I were divorced and then Jeff and I reconciled just after I'd broken it off with Matt. Matt and I remained friends and saw each other at least once a week. On the surface, it really had been an innocent friendship, but I knew that deep down I was holding on to it for other reasons. Not the obvious. Matt would have resumed our relationship any time I said the word. For me it was having a real companion in a man. I didn't know why I hadn't stayed with him all along, but I didn't. I went back to Jeff. They waved to me. Connie patted on the chair.
"I saved it," she said. "Come sit"
Matt leaned over and kissed my cheek. I felt a wave of regret for telling Jeff about him. I didn't want my friendship with Matt to be over. And it felt horrible that Matt had no idea.
"How are you Eve?" he put his hand on my arm for a moment then pulled it away. He was smiling. I did have two lives, didn't I?
I shrugged.
One of the parent's began speaking into a microphone. I should have been listening but I wasn't. Matt was sitting close enough to me that I could talk to him quietly and not disturb the meeting.
"What's wrong?" he whispered.
"I don't know." I shrugged. "I told Jeff that you and I were still friends. He got very upset."
"So what if we're friends."
I didn't want to look at him.
"So what did he say?"
I shook my head. "He doesn't want me to be see you any more." I saw Connie trying to get my attention. "I'll tell you after the meeting." I whispered.
Connie leaned over and touched me on the shoulder. Of course she couldn't know what Matt and I were talking about. I had a strict policy of keeping my marital problems out of the rest of my life. My marriage to Jeff was a diminishing slice of the rest of it. So much so that it hardly made me feel weak. It didn't make me feel weak. That would be an exaggeration. He was controlling, that was true but I was beginning to feel fortunate that we still had passion in our lives. That's what people talked about. Passionless marriages.
Connie smiled at me. "sorry to interrupt. Eve, are you going to speak?"
I nodded. I pulled my notes out of the folder and let out a breath. It was just going to be a simple statement representing the teachers union. Our pay in the south side schools was lower than any district and we had the most problems to contend with because of the impoverished conditions. none of us including Connie and Matt really thought they'd make any changes--at least not right away. The school district was essentially broke and south side schools were the lowest priority with increased violence, drop out rates and families living in poverty. Another big issue was desegregation bussing and the white community objections.
Matt handed me a few papers, back up notes from the last union meeting. I smiled at him. I went to the podium and stood before the committee, all sitting behind a long table facing the group. There were several people waiting for me to finish so they could venture up to speak. I had five minutes and presented the case the best I could. I could hear murmurs in the crowd as I spoke, the majority of attendees were white and just by the sounds in the room I could hear they objected to everything I argued for. Chairs squeaked, people were saying things under their breath. When I finished I stepped down and was met with glares as I walked back over to the table with my friends and colleagues.
I sat down between Connie and Matt. Connie leaned over "geeze. They're worse than usual."
"But you were very convincing and diplomatic," Matt chimed in. He smiled at me.
When the meeting was over our group stood up to leave. My mind was heavy with the thoughts of the contradictions in my life. How could I be so weak in one sphere--with Jeff and my kids and so strong in another. It seemed that neither of my identities was more satisfying than the other. It was simply a constant switching of perspectives. When I was at home, that was the only life that made sense for me. When I was with Jeff I thought I loved him. Then, when I was teaching or with my group of friends, I didn't want to return to my role as wife and mother.
"We're going out for drinks, will you come along?" Connie asked.
"I'd better get back. Next time."
Connie smiled and walked over and gave me a hug goodbye. "I'll see you Monday." She kissed my cheek.
"Let me walk you to your car," Matt offered. We walked together out of the gymnasium. It was freezing cold outside. Being alone with Matt felt illicit where it never had before. I smiled at him and we didn't say anything for a moment. He looked at me for a long moment. He had dark brown eyes, brown hair. He was such a different kind of man than Jeff that it would have been impossible to draw any similarities. Despite his being an artist, somewhat avant garde Jeff dressed and acted conservative. He had been at his best in the 1950s sexist society. He was wealthy. He drove nice cars. Jeff was controlling. I knew when I thought of him that way he sounded horrible. He wasn't though. Not really. He and I existed in a place together that most people don't even conceive of. Of course there were two aspects of that kind of intimacy. Of course there was. Matt, on the other hand, was casual. He was a writer, but didn't aspire to be an Ivy League professor or even to have his work produced large scale--although he would have, of course like for that to happen. But, I knew he was genuine and his art was a collaborative effort. His writing was political; he brought injustices to life through his plays. He was humane.
"Did you have a nice holiday with the kids?" he asked. "I miss them."
I shrugged and looked down.
"No?"
"It was all right--not really. It was a disaster." I looked at him for a long moment. "I'm sorry about telling Jeff. I don't think we can spend time together any more."
"We'll still be friends."
"I'm sorry. I feel so terrible. Somehow he didn't know that you and I were still spending time together. I guess I wasn't being fair to you. "
"Why do you say that?"
I shrugged. "you know I still have feelings for you."
He let out a breath and looked around. he pulled his wool pea coat tighter. I could see I"d made him uncomfortable.
He nodded. "I completely understand why we can't see each other, Eve."
"You do?"
He laughed, "No."
I had the desire to kiss him. I had the desire to go back to his apartment and drink a bottle of wine and talk.
"He's not hurting you, is he?"
I let out a breath, shook my head. Matt knew the whole story. He was aware of Jeff's violence; I knew he was referring specifically to the night that Jeff almost killed me. I shook my head. "I told you he hasn't been violent in over ten years."
"I know But, I notice you're wearing his ring. I'm just worried that he's getting possessive."
"Getting?" I attempted a joke but Matt kept his eyes on me.
"Eve. I'll respect your wishes. You know how much I care about you. But, I don't want you to isolate yourself--I want you to call me if he threatens you or hurts you. I'm not afraid of him Eve."
"I'm relieved to hear you say all of it. That you understand and that you'll still be there for me. I care about you so much" I touched his arm.
"I'm here OK? No ulterior motives."
I leaned over and hugged him goodbye. I still felt like the strong, career minded woman that a part of me was. I was still built up by my friendships and co-workers. In that life, I was reasonable and sane. He took my hand and squeezed it. "Promise me, eve. I don't know why but I'm worried."
"I'm fine. Things are good with him. You know how he is."
He nodded and the air was so cold that I watched the condensation rise from his breath as he walked back to the building. He stood at the door and watched me while I started the car and locked the doors. The night air was dark and there were few people on the roads as I drove back to the house. I felt a little haunted for some reason, likely because Matt had mentioned the night at the lake. I fumbled in my purse for my cigarette pack and somehow shook one out. I pushed the car lighter in. I turned on the radio and turned the dial until a song came in. Before the Next Teardrop Falls. I pulled out the lighter and lit my cigarette. I pushed it back in. I got off the freeway and the roads were icy so I moved slowly. It was dark but the white snowdrifts and the light from my headlights gave me the feeling of being insulated. I turned the car heat higher and listened to the music as I drove. I was glad to be able to sleep late the next day. It seemed Christmas break was over before I knew it and already I'd finished a full week of teaching. I was tired and was glad for Saturday. When I turned the corner into our neighborhood, a familiar comfort returned to me. There were still a lot of Christmas trees lit up in the front windows. Some of the houses were still adorned with colored lights. I knew most of it would come down this week, already the end of the first week of January. I started taking things down as soon as all the kids were gone the day after Christmas. There was little evidence of the holiday in my home except the few boxes I'd planned on bringing to the basement and putting away over the weekend. When I pulled on to our street, I could see that Jeff's car wasn't in the drive way or parked out front. It was always a little uncomfortable to come home to his expensive sports car parked in my middle class home, in our middle class neighborhood. Everyone else had Chevy's or even the occasional Cadillac but no one had an Jaguar convertible. It didn't matter. After eight years, everyone was used his new cars every year. The frozen snow crackled as I drove over it and pulled to a stop next to our house. The house was dark, even the porch light was out. I'd wished he'd have thought to leave a couple on for me. I tossed my cigarette out on to the drive way and then reached in for my stack of papers and folders. I carefully shuffled to the walkway because the drive was so icy. Once I made it to the walkway, the sand Jeff had spread earlier kept my traction fine. I held on to the iron rail to be sure not to slip going up the stairs. I made it inside.
As soon as I entered I turned on the light on the hall table. I put my folders down and took off my coat. As I was hanging it in the closet I noticed a glass of scotch half finished on the table. I walked into the kitchen and opened the fringe. There was the meal I'd made for him. He never heated it up or eaten it. He must have left soon after I did, gone out somewhere for dinner or to his studio. Honestly, I was very accustomed to his absence. His affairs were a part of our marriage. Although, we'd both made an agreement just a few days ago that we'd be faithful. For him that meant no more seducing his art students, lavishing them with gifts and making love to them. For me, it was to end my friendship with Matt. I shook my head and let out a breath. The veneer of my marriage was almost completely worn off.
I was asleep in bed when Jeff came into the room. I didn't hear him get into bed, but he shook me and whispered "Eve?"
I woke and turned to him, "what is it?"
"I just wanted to say goodnight."
"All right, Good night."
"Eve?"
I touched his face, "what is it?"
"You love me don't you?"
"Of course I do. Yes. I love you. More than anything"
"Eve--I love you. I always have."
"Go to sleep, sweetheart," I said to him. I kissed his lips. He looked like a child the way his blue eyes pleaded with me for love. "You've been drinking." I said. I smiled at him.
"But everything I'm telling you is true."
"I know."
He settled in next to me, still dressed. In only a moment I heard his breathing grow steady and shallow. I turned on my side and watched him for a moment. To me, he was as handsome as he'd always been. I touched his cheek. "I love you," I whispered.