The next day I wake up, still confused about the events that took place the night before and for the first time since school started back I was not looking forward to seeing Ashley.
She'd left me, on my bed, wanting her—when she was the one who made the advance in the first place.
At school, I tried to avoid Ashley like the plague. I knew that when last period came around we'd eventually have to see each other but I was gonna be damn sure that last period was the only time I saw her.
I went through the day in zombie mode, not really paying attention to anything—zoned out. I didn't hear the conversation that Madison and Carmen attempted to have with me in first period. Or the argument that Aiden tried to start over lunch, quickly realizing I wasn't paying him any attention—he went back to the whole theory of me wanting to break up with him and that's when I really tuned him out. Probably confirming whatever he was thinking in that small brain of his.
When last period rolled around, I quickly took my seat in the back of the class and buried my head in my Lit book. I'd rather not even see her face right now. I wasn't sure what the feelings I had for Ashley meant, I mean, she was the first girl I've ever thought about kissing—wanted to kiss no, needed it. They were confusing, yet so inviting. Like I'd be safe with her, even though I knew it was wrong, according to everything Paula Carlin has ever taught me, yet, I didn't really care.
And Aiden, he's the first and only guy I've ever loved and I wouldn't dare wanna hurt him, but you can't control who have feelings for. Destiny does that for you.
I pretended to read my Lit book as she walked into class. I could see over my book that she kept glancing back at me, but I never acknowledged her. You might think I'm being a brat, and maybe I am, but last night she really hurt my feelings and I wanted her to know it.
Halfway through class Madison slipped me a note. I lazily opened it and read it.
'What is up with you today Spence? It's like you're the walking dead.'
I grabbed the pen off my desk and scribbled back. 'It's that time of the month' and tossed it back to her.
She wrote something then handed it back. 'Liar, I know when it's that. Are you and Aiden breaking up or something? I heard you guys arguing at lunch.' You mean him arguing with himself, I think to myself then continue reading 'Is this about that thing that didn't happen over break?' Now that I think about it, I'm kinda glad that it didn't happen. I mean don't get me wrong, I love Aiden, but sometimes I feel like it's the only reason he sticks around—like he can't leave me until he gets what he's been working for all these years. Sounds sick I know but, that's how I feel sometimes.
'Okay fine, it's not my time but it's not about Aiden either.' I hand her back the note. She sighs then writes something down and quickly tosses it back. I suddenly got the image in my head of Mrs. Randson turning around and seeing us passing notes and makes us come up in front of the class to read it—like the teachers did in elementary school. So embarrassing.
Maybe if that did happen, Ashley would see how much damage she's cause. I mentally shake my head at myself. I make it sound like she hit me with her car or something.
'You're killing me here Spence, we barely talk later and you've been busy so much that I don't know what to make of it. What's going on with you? I”m your BEST friend. You know you can tell me anything.' It reads. Madison was right, her and I used to talk about everything. But how do I tell her that I think I'm falling for someone I shouldn't want, someone I know I can't have—a girl.
'Come to my house today after school and we'll do homework together. I'm fine Mads. Just having a bad day.' I toss the note back to her and she flashes me a smile. I guess she believes me.
–
The loud shrieking of the bell pulled me out of my dream. Shit. I must've dosed off. Why didn't Madison wake me? I jump up and look to see half the class is already gone, including Ashley.
“I'm gonna go pick my sister up from practice then come to your house.” Madison says, gathering her things and stuffing them into her bag.
“Ok.” I say plainly as I do the same. I didn't have much homework today, thank God. So I only needed to take two books home with me. I swear lugging all the books on my back all day, is getting really old and painful.
I leave the class and head for my locker. I could see Ashley standing next to it. Great. How did she even know I would go to my locker after class? I shake the thought's outta my head and head to my locker, a little more oomph in my step—I didn't want her to know that what happened last night affected me as much as it did.
“You need something?” I ask, spinning the combination lock on my locker, my tone a little harsher than intended.
“Spencer, I'm sorry I ran out on you last night...” She starts, but I was done listening before she even opened her mouth.
“Look.”I cut her off, shoving the books in my locker then slamming it. “You're good.” I start, turning to her with a more than serious look on my face. “What reason did you have to stay anyways? It was late so I get it. Whatever” I end with a shrug then turn and head towards the parking lot. She runs after me.
“Spencer, wait up please.” She calls out behind. I quicken my pace and unlock my door as I enter the parking lot. Almost everyone is already gone. The only cars left are either teachers, jocks, or Ashleys—you never know which car she'll drive to school. “Spencer!” She yells, still chasing after me.
I continue to ignore her and open the car door to get inside, but she shut it before I could. When did she catch up to me?
“What the hell?” I protest, backing up as she stands in between me and the car door.
“I know you're mad at me Spencer, and you have every right to be. But I need to talk to you and I'm not letting you get in this car until you hear me out.” She says sternly. I smile inwardly at her persistence.
“I have to meet Madison.” I say averting my gaze anywhere where her eyes weren't. They trap you—those eyes.
“Well then, the quicker you stop being so stubborn and listen, the quicker you can go meet your friend.” She says trying to meet my eyes. I'm doing a good job at avoiding hers right now. I don't say anything, so she takes that as her cue to continue. “I know I fucked up last night Spencer, leaving like that...” She pauses, still tryna find my eyes. “For that I'm sorry. But there's somethings—somethings you don't know about me Spencer, and I wanna be sure you're ready for what was about to happen last night before it actually happens.” She finishes, lifting my chin so my eyes would finally meet hers.
“Why'd you run out though. You coulda just said all this last night.” I say, looking back down.
She lifts my chin back up. “I should've and I'm sorry. But I like you Spencer, I like you a lot. And I know I shouldn't because you have a boyfriend and I'm no home-wrecker but I can't deny the feelings I have for you.” My heart beat picks up.
“Ashley, I...” I start, not sure what I want to say. “I'm not gay.” Falls from my mouth and immediately regret it. It's not what I meant to say, but on some level I needed to say it, so even I would believe it, I don't though.
“I know. And that's why I didn't kiss you last night.”
“Are you...” I trail off, letting my question hang in the air. She knew what I was asking.
“Yeah.” She answers, looking down, suddenly finding her fingers interesting.
I lift her chin and say, “It's okay, that you are. I just... I don't know if I am. And I have Aiden, and I don't wanna hurt him. I just need time... you know?” She shakes her head and we both smile.
“So are you done being mad at me?” She asks, biting the inside of her lip. So adorable, I forget that she's only 16.
“Yeah. I'm done being mad at you.” I smile as she moves out from blocking my door.
“Good.” She smiles. “I gotta go, my dad's gonna kill me, I was supposed to me him for a late dinner like,” She glances down at her phone. “Thirty minutes ago.” She finishes backing up in the direction of her car. “Call me later?”
“Yeah.” I say tossing my bag on the passenger side.
“Kay.” She smiles then runs off in the direction of her car.
I'm so glad we fixed this cause, although Ashley I have only known each other a few days, I couldn't have imagined going another second not talking to her.
–
Madison and I are in my room doing homework, well she's doing homework. I'm thinking about Ashley, and how she said that she liked me. I don't know what I would have done if we had kissed last night. It's weird cause in the moment, I've never wanted anything more in my life, but after she explained—I get where she's coming from.
“Spencer, where are you spacing out to now?” Madison asks, a little annoyance in her voice.
I wanna tell her about Ashley and I, I'm just not sure how she would react. It could go one of two ways; I tell her and she accepts it and says it doesn't matter who I lo..like and that she'll stick by me no matter what—or she could totally be a homophobic, write me off and never speak to me again. The latter of the two is what scares me the most.
And I don't even know if I'm...you know... that way. I've been with Aiden as long as I can remember, what I do know is that these feelings I'm having for her—they're real. And I need to figure out what I want to do about them.
“Spencer!” Madison yells, snapping her fingers in my face trying to get my attention. Oops, spaced out again. “You know what, I'm just gonna go.” She says standing, gathering her things.
“No, wait!” I plead. I can't keep secrets from my best friend. It's just not right. “If I tell you what's going on with me, you promise you won't bail?” I ask vaguely, knowing she would agree without hearing the news first, just so she can hear what it was.
“Duh. Now spill.” She says sitting back down on the bed.
I take a deep breath, preparing myself for what could happen next. I could lose my best friend over something as simple as loving someone society says I shouldn't.
“I've been hanging out with Ashley...” I pause, trying to read her face. She's giving me nothing so I continue. “We've been hanging out and things... we'll I...” I'm finding it hard to get the words out. Madison gesturing her hand for me to hurry and say whatever it was. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. “I think that I like her, Mads.” I finally choke out, a lump suddenly growing in my throat.
She sat quiet for a second, scanning my face—judging me. At least, that's what I felt like she was doing.
“And Aiden...” She says suddenly and I get what she's asking.
“I love him Mads, you know I do. I don't know what's going on in my head or why I'm having these feelings but I am, and I just need to know that as my friend you're stick by my side and not aban--” She places and finger over my mouth, shaking her head.
I fight back the tears threatening to fall. I don't know why I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.
“Is Ashley...” She trails off again but I get what she wants to know.
“Yeah. She is.” I don't like it that she's not looking at me and I can't read. I don't know if she's disgusted, disappointed, angry or what—with me.
“Did she make a move on you or something?” She asks, finally looking up at me. I catch her eyes, but can't read them.
“No.” I say quickly, realizing that's not the whole truth. No more lies, I thought to myself then said. “Well, kinda yes. Yesterday..” I start and her head shoots up, realizing I lied to her about what I would be doing. “Yesterday she came over to do homework and then she stayed for dinner and we came back in here and she said that she wanted to kiss me.” I finish my sentence with a sigh. Replaying that moment in my head.
“Did you kiss?”
“No, she freaked out and left. Today, after school, she came up to me and apologized and told me she was gay and that she liked me but didn't wanna rush me, or break up me and Aiden.” I tell my best friend who smiles.
“That's cool of her to think about Aiden's feelings.” Madison loved Aiden like a brother, she didn't wanna see him get hurt and neither did I.
“Yeah.” I say flatly, getting up from the bed and walking around to the side Madison was on—pulling the chair from my computer desk and sitting. “You don't hate me do you?” I asks and Madison laughs.
“God no, Spencer. I could never hate you. I'm sad actually.” I look down at the floor. “I'm sad that you thought you couldn't talk to your best friend about something as important as this.” She finishes. I look up at her and she's smiling. “I love you, Spencer. I don't care who you chose to love.” Love—the word hit me like a ton a bricks. I didn't love Ashley, did I? No... it's not possible, I've only known her for a week. I tell myself.
I giggle and tell Madison that love isn't apart of the picture yet and she gives me a look before saying “I've seen how you look at this girl Spencer, trust me.” I slap my best friends arm playfully as we lay back down and go back to doing our homework.
I loved how everything went back to normal so fast. How Madison didn't linger on what I had just told her and treat me differently—like I had a disease or something. Like she could catch the gay. I'd forgotten how good of a friend Madison really was, until that moment...
–
Ashley called me that night as I was getting into bed. Freshly showered and ready to drift off in abyss. I told her that I told Madison—and hoped that was okay with her. She assured me that it was before asking how Madison took it. I told her surprisingly well and I could tell she was relieved.
“You think you could come over this weekend?” She asks, as yet another yawn escapes my lips.
“Like to your house?”
She giggles and says, “Yeah, duh. Silly.” I laugh and tell her sure. “You sound so tired.” She says, yawning herself.
“I am. Cause you wanna call at midnight like we're gonna have phone sex or something and our parents need to be asleep first.” I laugh.
“We could ha--”
“Don't you even think it.” I interrupt her and we both giggle.
“Could you just stay on the phone until we fall asleep?” Ashley asks, in that cute voice she gets when she's shy about something.
“Yeah.” I answer quickly. “Sure.” I add.
“Thank you... Goodnight Spencer.”
“Goodnight Ashley.” I say as sleep finally wins.
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This update is brought to you by Adele's 19 Album. It's giving me everything right now. I'm already up to chapter 8 because of it. So mentally thank Adele right now. I really hope you guys like this chapter. If you do, let me know. If you don't let me know that too. :)