I followed Kieran soberly to a study, much like the one in his manor house.
This whole place is haunted with essences of his old self.
Kieran turned to peer at me every few seconds, no doubt goaded by the mounting, unfamiliar tension between us. Drawing back to my side, he attempted to place his hand on my waist. I didn't want to be touched and recoiled from him.
Hurt, but without intention of saying so, Kieran opened the door of the study and disappeared into the shadows. I hesitated in following after him.
So this is his lair?
Apparently, undeterred by my previous rejection, Kieran returned to the doorway to take my hand and pull me in. And this time I could not kid myself. If only for a moment I wanted my fingers to remind me of what wasn't out of character; Kieran and I sharing secrets in casual touches.
I didn't shake him off and my hand, much like the rest of me, became deliciously numb.
"See, nothing has changed," Kieran whispered, tightening his chilling grasp. Tired and comforted in the unspoken promises of his touch I did not fight, succumbing to those enticing indigo eyes. Kieran led me in. Dim, musty light bleed from a desk lamp as it reached out to smite the shadows.
Much like a marionette, Kieran stroked my every string as he placed me on his desk. My thighs straddled his own, the feeling of something dangerous paralysing my words. I did not blush or incline my face away, my eyes daringly resting upon him.
I was furious, positively venomous and it proved something of a powerful aphrodisiac.
I dare you to kiss me you egotistical, blinded, indigo eyed jerk.
Kieran's hand cupped my face, brining my yearning lips to his. They were hard, cold; perfect. I couldn't help smiling at the sensations slithering down my spine, through my veins. My hands found his neck, travelling eagerly into his hair as I pulled him roughly towards me. It had been too long since we'd last blurred into one.
Mine. You are mine.
I wanted every breath, every heartbeat to be for me and me alone. Kieran's hands explored my face, my neck, my chest, my waist, my thighs. Every touch was invigorating as the last.
Kieran's tongue was warm and sweet, worshipping my own. I grinned.
This was our kiss.
Our breathing became ragged as Kieran beckoned me closer to a lustful ecstasy I had never known before.
"I love you." He sighed, pushing his weight down on top of me.
What?
His lips followed the path of his hands The sting left on my skin made me shiver though my mind had become unclouded.
Did he just...?
I wanted to see his eyes, the most betraying part of the indigo boy before me.
I grabbed his chin, forcing his lips back to mine and for a moment seeing what I dared not believe.
He was mine.
Grunting, Kieran used one of his hands to pin both of mine above my head. Trembling and confused, I allowed my strings to be pulled and pushed as Kieran's cool lips teasingly brushed my neck. Daringly he sucked at the skin. Then his mouth was on my breasts, hands running the length on my sides. To feel Kieran so close to me after feeling so far...but to think such thoughts was my downfall.
Anya's face flashed into my mind dragging the joyous figure of Lucia, the new Indigo's identical, with it.
Can I believe in this boy who tells me he loves me?
Suddenly I felt a heavy thud upon my chest. What was I doing? I hadn't come there to be seduced.
"No," I whispered, so quietly I wasn't even sure I'd said it. I seized a breath and tried again. "No!" Kieran either didn't hear me or didn't want to. But I wasn't having it, having any of it. "Kieran get off me!" I shouted trying to push him off, giving my lungs the penance they so greatly deserved. Kieran stood back looking flustered and confused. My chest heaved as I tried to regain something of composure
Our moment of lust and want retreated into the shadows, banished to the realms of memory.
"This was not why I came." I straightened up, confident but unquestionably disgusted. Lines had most definitely been crossed and my spinelessness was as much to blame as his bravado.
"I'm sorry," he breathed, the light by the side of his face, creating a hazy halo. Oh how beautiful was he, the boy who held me captive. His eyes shone with gold.
He was so perfect and yet imperfect.
"Why did you bring her here? Can't you see that she's trying to tear your family apart after being here just five minutes?"
Kieran looked torn.
"There's something about her, I can't explain," Kieran muttered weakly. I could see him imaging her in his head. A similar look lingered in the lines of his face when I walked into the room.
Not mine.
"Even so, you just stood by as that-that women offended and tore apart those who've stood loyally by you without so much as batting an eyelid," I shot back.
"The others are fine, they crossed the line. It was not Anya, she would never..."
"Michael, even Michael knows there's something off about her! He went out of his way to defend and reassure me to prove to you how frightened he was. If that's how Michael feels, how do you think Andrea or Jessica felt?"
Kieran clenched his jaw.
"Michael is a drama queen, always has been. He'll just take a little time to adjust, as will the others," said Kieran, folding his arms and glowering at me. I shook my head in disbelief and slid off of the top of the desk.
"Sophia, even Sophia who is usually completely on your side doesn't like Anya. The only reason she offered Anya her bedroom was to please you," I retaliated. Kieran paused.
"I just don't know alright! I hate being in limbo and that is exactly what this is. I can't help the fact I couldn't decide whether to save or send her into the unknown so I chose this; an eternity with me. You wouldn't understand."
"I think I can." Kieran glanced up. His eyes locked onto mine and I felt the full effect of his gaze. Icy tendrils surged through my veins and to every corner of my body. I resisted it, not searching for support from Kieran nor a prop such as his desk. I sighed, knowing that he would know all I'd seen at the mere mention of her name.
"It's Lucia right? This isn't about the abilities and skills Anya could offer you, it's the fact she looks like Lucia." I didn't look at him; I couldn't after confessing what I knew. I wavered helplessly, feeling small.
It was understandable that I had thought Lucia's death might have saved me from feeling her grasp on Kieran. This had been a curve ball like no other.
"How do you know about her?" Kieran asked quietly, shamefully. My bottom lip trembled but I refused to cry.
Don't give him the satisfaction, Evans.
"I've seen her Kieran. I've sat by her graveside, by the gravesides of your parents and brothers. I've seen her in your memory, as clear as if it were my own," I admitted. I couldn't help wonder why it was me explaining this to him and not the other way around. He should have told me.
"You went prying in my mind for it, didn't you?"
"Why would you think that?" I retorted, taken aback.
"Jealousy can do strange things to a person."
Seriously?
"It's not my fault Kieran. Your memory became mine when I was by the river. I would never, ever take something so private from you. You seem to think this connection is a choice." My hands were balled at my sides.
"I know...I know. I'm sorry." He ran his hand shakily through his unruly hair. Kieran was searching for answers, for something that made sense in all the chaos. I bit my lip, swallowing back the bitterness and hurt.
"She was very beautiful you know, and humble. I can understand why you loved her so much," I confessed, reluctantly peering at him from below my lashes. I was rather impressed I didn't cut him, as I wanted to, with my words.
We're both hurting.
"I loved her a lot. It was when she died that I went...well...insane. We'd planned to be married before she fell ill but my father, as much as he liked her, took longer than necessary to bless us; on his deathbed in fact." My hand held onto the lip of the desk now, my sheer will not enough to hold me up.
"Don't you see the similarities between Anya and Lucia?" I urged.
"Yes, I do. Selfish as it may be, it was probably the sole reason for bringing her here." He finally seemed troubled by the idea.
"Why do you need her Kieran?" I asked, head cocked. Kieran did me the honour of pausing a moment before answering. It was enough time that I might prepare myself.
"I'd once needed her to exist, she was my oxygen. Once I lost her there were no reasons for living and I reduced myself blindly to eternity, knowing I would never see her face again. There was an unforgiving, relentless emptiness." He peered at me while I processed, aware that each word struck a new wound in my heart.
"Am I not enough?" I said. Kieran fixed his indigo eyes upon me, daring me to challenge his integrity.
"You are more the enough for me, don't ever suggest otherwise." Kieran faltered. "You are my present but that does not mean I shouldn't respect the wants and desires of my past self. You cannot replace Lucia and I would never ask you to. But you have to understand Chris, Lucia was all I had left after losing the rest of my family to the plague and the only one who understood me before that. When Lucia, so warm and kind and unconditionally loving, died there was nothing left for me to live for and I've carried that with me always."
I couldn't stay a word, conflicted by him solemn vow of my worth and the tenderness of which he spoke for another woman.
"But you, you changed me in ways she never could. You didn't only fill the emptiness she left behind but overwhelmed it. Don't for a moment think you aren't good enough when it is me, the fool who kept this from you in fear it might chase you away, who falls short of the glorious person that you are."
I had no wished to cry just as much as I hadn't wished for this unfortunate situation. But still the tears came, gently washing down the hills and valleys of my face. Kieran, in a shy gesture, kissed my forehead.
"You are not replaceable to me, Evans."
I didn't mind him being close to me this time. Maybe that was because I believed him, with everything I had.
It's because you have to Evans because what else is there?
"Just because Anya may look like Lucia doesn't mean she is. Besides, even if she was Lucia that still wouldn't change what we have. I was a different person when I loved her." He wrapped his arms around me and I, a fool, held him back and hid my face in his chest.
"You can't know that Kieran," I choked. I wasn't in the business of sacrificing my heart on the basis on intangible promises.
But he loves you and isn't that just the same thing Evans?
But I didn't say it back.
"I trust myself enough to know how much I mean it." I craned my neck to look at him but the intensity of his eyes made me look away. Kieran loved me, it was clear, but he didn't look at me like he'd looked at Lucia and now Anya. Jealously was an immature thing to feel but I couldn't help myself. Lucia brought out the human in him, I just made his imprisonment between life and death more pleasant.
Or was I just telling myself that?
"So is that it, I mean are we OK now?" Kieran asked cautiously, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I interrupted his fingers in their delicate task and put my hair back myself.
"Actually it isn't," I replied. For a moment I almost thought Kieran was going to have the audacity to roll his eyes.
"Why, what else?"
"Roslyn." Kieran unbound me to massage his face with his palms. From behind his hands I could hear his muffled groans. It made me wonder just how much I didn't know about Kieran. Was it my place to know?
"Oh." Kieran groaned, collapsing against his bookcase and withering to the floor. I watched from where I stood against his desk, a pained expression on both of our faces. I realised how much wanted to be the person to share his burdens, despite everything.
I gripped the table, my nails trying to dig into the impregnable wood.
"What is that, 'oh'?" I said calmly, not to impose impatience. Kieran was banging his head off of the shelf. I knew, as much as he wanted to, Kieran couldn't hurt himself but the sight of it was still unnerving.
"Everything, that's what 'oh' is. It's just a big, damned, mess."
I sighed.
"Look, I'm not mad, it doesn't feel worth getting mad about. I just want to know why you kept her a secret from me." Kieran sighed. I sighed. We were in a complete shambles, heading nowhere but in circles.
Kieran pulled at his face once more before clearing his throat and regarding me unwaveringly.
"Roslyn's mother was only a little thing, about to become a statistic without anyone or perhaps anything to offer the life she was about to deliver. She had taken a taxi to the hospital but the driver only took her halfway, robbed her for what little she had and stabbed her."
I wanted to wretch.
"Humans do crazy, disgusting things when they're desperate...or clinically insane as the man turned out to be." I could not decide if Kieran was concealing his fury or genuinely undisturbed behind his poker face.
"I happened to be passing on the way home from 'work' when I saw her. The driver had already sped off and she was lying with a wound to her stomach in the gutter of an alley. I didn't have time to chase the driver down, a woman about to exchange a life for her own before me. My priority was to get both the mother and baby to the hospital."
Not even Kieran, who could remain calm in the most unlikely of circumstances could hold completely to his poker face. There, deep in his eyes, was the humanity that mourned for what had happened.
"Soon after we arrived at the hospital Diana, Roslyn's mother, died and they performed the c-section in order to ensure the baby's life wasn't lost too. A the time, I stepped in, posing as the father. There was no one else."
Kieran spread his hands in front of him and bounced them as though cradling a small bundle.
"I was then left with the charge of a beautiful baby girl, a chance to have something I thought my fate had robbed me off. And, above all things, I wanted to save a life, not because it was my duty but because I had the choice."
And just like that, it all made sense.
"I've kept her hidden away in my other house, away from the world that killed her mother. She isn't yet old enough to know how her mother died. It wouldn't be fair to press such things onto a seven year old," Kieran confessed, blinded in his want to protect the small child.
"She is a very bright seven year old Kieran. The sooner she knows the truth about who she really is the better," I argued.
"I know, implausibly so, she always has been clever. But could you tell an innocent seven year old that out of greed, a stranger killed their mother, her pregnant mother no less? I just don't think she has a great enough understanding of the world and the evil in it to be forgiving." Kieran placed his hands folded into his lap.
"She can't forgive a world she doesn't know Kieran. Would her mother really want her locked up and unhappy because you keep her hidden inside of a grand prison?"
"That is completely untrue. She gets piano tuition in town." I shook my head a tutted at the poor, misguided fool.
"Tuition that consists of being escorted to the house and back again without so much as a conversation with a person her own age? How can you call that freedom?" I retorted.
"It's not freedom but I want her to see the best of the world before deciding it's all bad because of what happened to her mum."
"That's the thing Kieran! She isn't seeing any of it. Books and car journeys aren't enough. So what if she falls and scrapes her knee or a boy calls her some stupid name? Keeping her behind bars will send her insane! Roslyn needs a proper life, not an artificial one. She herself told me that she wants to go to school with other children."
"School, with a mind as brilliant as hers, will result in bullying and she won't know how to deal with that right now," Kieran replied quickly, pulling out a never ending ream of excuses.
"I think you're underestimating her. Miss Roslyn seems more than capable of talking herself out of a beating. She's more like you than you think," Kieran's eye lit up at that, a reassuring twinkle returning.
"She does take after me somewhat, doesn't she?" Kieran chuckled.
You have no idea Indigo Boy.
"Mmm...scarily so." I laughed, offering my hand to pull him to his feet. Wearily he complied and once again towered over me. "Look, I don't want an explanation as to why you didn't say anything. I get it, it's complicated but now I do know, take it from someone who has actually sat and talked with Roslyn. She needs freedom Kieran so will you maybe give public school a go?" I pleaded, still very aware I was holding his hands. I wanted to at least be able to persuade him to consider school for Roslyn even if only for a trial period. He rolled his head. I waited patiently.
"I suppose, if it'll make you happy," Kieran compromised. I got on my tip toes and pecked his cheek. "Is that it?"
"Well, for now at least," I teased, stroking his hair, lacing it between my fingers. He grinned goofily, his eyes softening until they were once again able to gaze back without sending too much of an icy rage through me.
"How are things with you and your mum?" Kieran asked.
"We're fine now, we patched things up and I guess things are looking up from here on in but my mum is about as unpredictable as you are."
"Wow, pretty unpredictable then." I suppressed an indulgent giggle and then returned to playing with his uncouth hair. "Seriously though things won't get better quickly but they will improve, I know they will," Kieran assured, hugging me close to him.
"If I'm honest it's my dad I'm more worried about. He's been having strange dreams...and...trying to harm himself. It's strange because usually he's quite happy and the nurses think he's wonderful but recently..." I trailed off. There wasn't much more to say about it really. Kieran stroked my back soothingly, his cool arms making my quiver in distasteful delight. I hadn't failed to notice the passing glimpse of a frown on his face. The news I'd happened to nestle into our conversation had worried him.
"What kind of dreams?"
"I don't know really but they've got him really scared, he's talking in his sleep...like in conversation with some inside his mind. They've been asking him to do things – convince me to kill myself again," I admitted shyly. Kieran stiffened beneath me, the words making his whole body tense.
"Could it be Red, torturing him? He was impossible to wake so I had to look on as he writhed in pain. It felt wrong, so, so wrong. I just didn't know what to do." Kieran arms tightened and he held me in the place I felt safest.
"I don't know Chris but do you mind if I tell the others about this?" Kieran muttered distantly.
"Why? What are you going to do about it?" I asked, my shaky hands gripping onto his shirt.
"Don't worry, I'm just going to send one of the others to the care home to keep an eye on things for a while. If something is going on with Red and your dad that could put you both in danger then I'm going to make it my sole purpose to prevent it."
It frightened me that Kieran deemed it all necessary and he sensed it.
"We'll just have someone patrolling the care home perimeter in case of their being any abnormal activity. I promised you I would protect you and that means your family as well."
"If you're sure."
In all honestly, I didn't care if Kieran was sure, I wasn't sure myself. I loved my dad but things among the Indigos were anything but tranquil and this was probably not going to ease tensions .
"Of course I'm sure, let me just talk to the guys and it'll all be sorted by tomorrow, promise." I fiddled with the buttons on his shirt childishly.
"Thank you," I whispered. Once again his arms fastened around me protectively and his cold lips met my forehead. I moaned in pain. Kieran stepped away, pushing me away so I was at arm's length. "Brain freeze," I grunted squeamishly as I pulled him back to me. I refrained from recoiling, knowing it would only drive him further away.
"Sorry, I seem to have that affect on people."
"More than you know..." Kieran's rumbling laughter sent cool vibrations through me. The aftershock made me giddy; drunk like.
We stood together throwing conversation between each other until a small clock on top of a bookshelf chimed. When I realised its antique face read five o'clock I knew it was time to go home.
Mum and Ross will have a fit if I'm not home.
"I'll drive you home," Kieran said, showing nothing of the tiredness I betrayed in a yawn. I didn't argue, I didn't have the energy, and so I allowed Kieran to guide me back through the corridors and down the entrance stairs. We didn't even make it to the door before a cold, malicious voice rang out behind us.
"Christine, could I have a teeny, tiny word?" I turned to see the snarling face of Anya. She was dressed in a black satin and lace night dress. The lack of material and tightly laced back hugged all of her in just the right places. I would have given anything for Kieran not to turn round, but he did. I felt him stiffen beneath me and not in a good way. I knew that despite his words in the study, his promise had been left behind the now closed door.
"Kieran you can wait in the car, I'll be one second," I urged sternly, taking his hand from my waist.
"Are you sure, I mean-"
"Please Kieran." I twisted myself, challenging him with my stare. I didn't need him unconsciously belittling me by holding me and yet lusting over the woman in black. Kieran's gaze stooped to meet mine, having been locked on Anya. He nodded, blushing and with one final glance at his newest prize, hurried out of the door.
"Ah men. Who would be without them?" Anya purred, her fingers stroking the banister as she descended the stairs. I watched her, bitter and foul words collecting on the tip of my tongue.
"Make this quick, I have a car waiting," I snapped, so tempted to turn and leave without sparing a moment for her inevitable gloating. I then remembered that tempting as that was she was still fast and strong like the rest of them.
I was going nowhere.
"Let's make one thing clear Christine Evans," Anya spat, shifting into the spiteful disposition reserved just for me. "I will be giving orders round here. Kieran will be mine and there is nothing you can do about it. Admittedly you will be tougher competition than I'd first expected but there are means and ways." She licked her lips slowly. "I'm sure you didn't fail to notice how the simple application of cloth can send a man into ecstasy." Anya's indigo eyes flared with determination and relish. I was intimidated by her, it was obvious, but I wasn't taking any of her bollocks despite that.
"You can believe what you want but it will take more that a Russian slut, such as yourself, to come between Kieran and I. Egotistical, devious snakes such as your self aren't really Kieran's type. But I'll enjoy watching you fail." My lip curled in satisfaction. "Now if that's all you have to say then I'll be going now." I turned my back to her, reaching for the door.
"You'll leave when I tell you," Anya sneered, her nails creating bloody grooves in my arm. I flinched but didn't call out for help, I was not weak.
"Take your filthy hands of me," I seethed, ripping my arm from her grasp. By doing so I now had four red skid-marks tattooed on my upper arm. Anya, with a sharp whip of her hand had me falling against the front door. I gulped as I watched her breath in and out, expelling her venom on me. The feeling of blood trickling down my arm caused me to instinctively wipe it with me hand. Sure enough, trails of red marked my hand and all I could do was gag. But this was enough for Anya to snap out of her rampage and realise what she was doing.
"Kieran won't know about this Christine, is that clear?" Anya panicked, stepping cautiously back. I glanced from the blood on my shoulder to Anya and back again, a triumphant smirk on my face.
"Wanna bet," I sniggered before fleeing out of the door and into the hazy summer morning.
If the bitch wants to play games, then let them begin.
~ * ~ * ~
I hope with this chapter I might start making up for the neglectful fool I have been. Thank you for everything.
Bekah x