It felt surreal as I woke up that morning, like the downward spiral of my life with Clarke had been put on pause. But as I woke up, the quiet and loneliness surrounded me. For the first time in five months we didn't spend the night together. After I spent an hour changing and feeding Aries, Clarke came by to see him at my cabin but she left faster than she came. She wouldn't look me in the eyes, she played with Aries and then said see you tomorrow. There was tension between us now.
Tension I had caused.
I wouldn't deny her access to my son. I wanted him to have more people in his life than I did growing up. But I knew that he couldn't look to her as his mother. I couldn't let them get that close until I figured out what was happening between us. I wanted it to be real, I wanted us to be an us instead of just Bellamy and Clarke playing house.
But I had to find the courage to get there.
Aries cried from his crib. I picked him up as Octavia opened the door, "hey Bell."
"Hey," I nodded at her as I settled my son. I set him back on the ground as I looked at my sister, "what's up?"
"I hear you and a certain princess had a fight," she sat down in the floor with her nephew and started playing with him.
I sighed, "we didn't fight. We just realized we might have different priorities."
"Please," she rolled her eyes, "you two both want to get with each other. So your priorities are the same. Maybe if you both stop being babies and admit your feelings, you wouldn't fight so much. Plus that pent up tension could do wonders for you in the bedroom."
I shook my head ignoring her crude words, "look Octavia I don't need your advice. I have my hands full with Aries and it's not the right time. Clarke clearly isn't interested. Since she's seeing multiple guys around camp."
"She's not seeing anyone," Octavia muttered as she grabbed Aries hands and shook them. She laughed as he giggled back at her, "she was too busy helping you when you clearly didn't need the help to begin with. We both know no one else would've let you move into their cabin to raise a child that wasn't theirs Bellamy. If you owe her anything it's an apology."
I sighed, "I really don't feel like getting a lecture right now, especially not from you. So if you came over for another reason, can you please get there? I don't want to talk about Clarke okay? It's just not going to happen, not right now."
"If now isn't the right time than when will be right Bell? This is earth, time is precious here we all know that. Which means you need to decide what you want and claim it. Because you'll regret it when it's too late."
Octavia turned her attention back to Aries as I thought about what she said. Leave it to my little sister to stick her nose where it doesn't belong and actually have a valid point. I groaned as I clasped my hands behind my head and thought about what she said. I knew she was right. We had limited time to be together. There was a new threat, a new war every week. I wanted Clarke. Deep down in my soul I knew she was the one for me.
But I couldn't bare the thought of taking that chance and end up losing her as my friend. I lost her once before, I wasn't ready to lose her again.
Then again last night I had pushed her away pretty hard. I opened my eyes and looked at the little boy sitting on the floor. He deserved better than me. He deserved a happy family with siblings and two parents. Even if one of them wasn't related by blood. He deserved a world that was at peace. I bit my lip, wondering how I would give him everything I never thought we could ever have down here.
Aries noticed his aunt smiling at him as she kept swinging his arms. He gave her a toothless smile before giggling loudly, "hi! Hi!"
We both stopped and looked at him sitting there. All the anger and frustration I had been feeling for the past two days went out the window. He just said his first word. Aries just said hi to Octavia and we were both here to witness it.
He sneezed and then Octavia burst into tears, "he said hi. To me. Bellamy did you hear him? He said hi!"
She scooped him up as he kept talking in his baby talk, every once in a while saying Hi to me or her. Octavia was thrilled she was there for his first word. I laughed as she had him do it over and over again. I smiled as I tousled his hair, my heart hurt because the first person I wanted to run and tell about this moment was the last person who wanted to see me.
Clarke had been there for every single first we had together. The first time he rolled over, the first sneeze, the first haircut. She was there for the first giggle, the first time he sat up. Now she wasn't here for the first word, she missed one. I sighed, even my happy moments were tainted with the heartache I was trying to forget.
"Oh Aries. Who would've thought my brother could get something right?" She kept her voice low but I heard her.
"Thanks O. I think I did a pretty good job with you," she laughed as I pulled a strand of her hair.
Aries kept giggling as we fawned over him. He said hi and giggled as we both gave him big smiles and clapped our hands. My boy loved attention of any kind. He was eating up his aunt's attention for all it was worth. He giggled along with us. I felt better even though things were still strained with Clarke. I knew Octavia was right. If I had gotten one thing right in this world it was that little boy with the shaggy hair.
---
I didn't go to the wall that afternoon. They didn't need me so I spent the time with my son and Octavia stayed for a while. She helped me settle him for his nap and then we talked a little bit about our childhood. Then she had to go and find Lincoln and they were off to visit one of the grounder camps for trading. She kissed me goodbye and told me I needed to stop being a dumb ass and go after what I wanted.
I knew she was right but after everything I still wasn't sure how I was going to make up for what happened last night.
To my surprise I didn't have to think too long about it. Because after Clarke's shift at the medical bay she knocked on my door. I sighed as I opened it, Aries was sitting on the floor. He still hadn't gotten around to crawling yet, but I was hoping that would come in time. If I recalled correctly Octavia didn't crawl until the month before she stood up and walked for the first time. My mom called her a late bloomer.
"Hi!" Aries let out his little high pitched word and Clarke stopped.
"Oh my god," her face lit up when she heard him and then she looked at me, "he just said hi."
I nodded, trying not to make her feel bad, "yeah he said it earlier when his aunt came to visit. I wanted to tell you, I just. After what happened last night," I shrugged and left the sentence hanging there.
"That's actually why I came over," she had one of the dolls she had gotten for him in her hands, "I know he won't fall asleep without this."
I took the doll from her and he grabbed it out of my hands, "thank you. For bringing it."
She nodded, her eyes watching Aries, "sure. But I also wanted to talk to you."
"Look if this is about us continuing to play house, I think we both know it would end at some point right Clarke? I'm sorry I was so rude and I ran out so fast, but I don't do this well. I don't like goodbyes or hurting people. I don't like hurting you," I pushed down the knot in my throat.
Clarke looked at me and I could tell she was upset I still wanted us to go our separate ways. I knew she thought she could find her way back in because I had a soft spot for her. Everyone knew I did, I spent weeks waiting for her to come home. Weeks looking for her among the land that surrounded us. Everyone knew that my weakness was this five foot two blonde girl with blue eyes.
After a moment she sighed, "Bellamy what is your problem? I didn't bring that guy home he followed me! I told him to leave, I didn't realize he was still waiting until you were pushing me away. So please don't use Aries as a bargaining chip with me. That's not fair."
Clarke threw her hands in the air as I sighed, "I won't use him as a bargain chip. You can still see him, I just think we've been doing this for too long. You helped me when I needed you, thank you. But I should do this on my own now. You can be aunt Clarke again."
There were tears in her eyes, "Bellamy don't. Don't pretend like you want me to stop this. I love Aries."
"Why should I listen to you? I begged you to come inside with me at the gates and you still left," my voice broke as I realized how hurt I still as over that. I swallowed my tears and concentrated on my anger, "so maybe I should make sure Aries doesn't get too close in case you want to leave again."
"That's not fair. I thought you understood," she shook her head. The anger we both felt last night when I mentioned her leaving was back now for both of us, "after Lexa. I can't do this. I won't do this with you."
She shook her head just as Aries let out the loudest cry I had ever heard. We both turned to look at him on the floor, his little face red. He was laying on his back, like he had fallen against the chair leg. There was a bruise forming on his head and a cut on his arm. We had been so caught up in our fight we had stopped paying attention to him.
Clarke was closer to him so she picked him up. Her tears vanished as she looked at me. The panic in her eyes wasn't that of a doctor's. It was that of a mother's, "Bell. He's bleeding and he's really warm. I think he has a fever."
My anger towards her disappeared as she handed me my son. He was warm, his little face was bright red. There was blood on his arm and I realized he must have cut himself on something in the cabin. My heart picked up, "what should we do?"
He coughed, then spit up all over me. He kept crying loudly. He was uncomfortable, "you go change. I've got some medicine here."
Clarke took him back as I pulled my shirt off. She was bouncing him gently before she laid him down and pressed her hand against his forehead. He kept crying and coughing as I disappeared to change. I bit my cheek, this was my fault. I took him out into the cold too much.
"I shouldn't take him to the wall so much," I mumbled as I walked back towards the bed and Clarke had somehow settled him down.
"He's a baby Bell. He's going to get hurt and sick and then get better," she sighed, his little fingers curled around her finger, "you're stressing yourself out too much."
She bandaged up his arm and then put a cloth against his forehead. I laid him down in my bed and watched as she checked his stomach and his neck. He coughed again, crying from the fever or the cut I wasn't sure. He was restless as he started to fall asleep. He kept kicking his legs out and reaching for the air.
I would smooth down his hair and Clarke tried to keep the cloth against his forehead. His little cheeks were bright red, but she said the fever wasn't getting worse. Instead it seemed to be cooling down as we kept watch over him. I wasn't sure how long we sat there in silence, just staring at his little body waiting for him to magically get better. But I was more than glad she was here for this moment.
"Hey you should get some sleep," I sat down beside her as Aries finally settled. He was sleeping without fussing, "I'll watch him."
She shook her head, "I'd feel better watching him a little longer," she sighed and then bit her lip as she looked away.
I settled in beside her, both of us standing guard in case something happened. This was the first big scare I had ever had with him. Aries didn't get sick or even cry as much as he had tonight. I felt like a terrible father for letting him fall the way he did.
"Do you remember the first thing you said to me? When we landed," Clarke was smiling as she ran her thumb across Aries tiny fingers. He was holding her hand in his.
I couldn't help but smile, "I said if the air is toxic than we're all dead anyways. You, being bossy even before we knew each other's names."
She laughed as she brought those blue eyes up to meet mine. What she didn't realize was I noticed her that first day. Even if I had been rude and standoffish I saw her over everyone else. She wanted to keep everyone safe. She didn't care that they were criminals and this was supposed to be their execution. She thought with her heart and listened to her instincts.
"You were wearing that guard uniform. All smug cause you're older than us," she shook her head as Aries coughed. Both of us watched as he rolled and fell back asleep, "still. I have to admit once you realized how hard it was to lead, you got better at listening. You got better at thinking with the hundred in mind."
I kept watching Clarke, her eyes on the baby. Could things have been different if I hadn't gone to that mountain? Would she look at me the way I've looked at her for the past six months? If we had never met the grounders, if the adults never crashed the ark, would we still be taking care of these kids together?
"I never did thank you," I kept my voice low as the fire crackled behind her, "for coming home. I know it must've been hard."
She smiled, "not nearly as hard as staying away was."
"Probably because you're still the best leader we've ever had. You kicked ass on three hundred grounder soldiers without lifting a finger. You took down their greatest enemy, and now you're helping raise my son," my fingers ached to reach out and touch her, "you're one hell of a woman."
Tears gathered in her eyes, "I wouldn't go that far. But no matter how bad the memories are I know I can count on you and everyone here to look at me like I'm still Clarke. I'm still the girl trying to save us all."
I didn't stop myself this time. I reached out and touched her cheek. She smiled as she leaned into the touch, her skin cold against my warmth. Maybe this was a baby step, a baby step I needed to take in order to finally find the courage to tell her everything. Maybe we needed to forgive ourselves for the things we had done in order to finally believe we deserved to feel love again.
Clarke sighed, the cabin was as dark as could be with the fire casting shadows around us. It was late, I knew that we had spent the better half of the night talking. Still I'd lose more than sleep if I had to lose it spending time with Clarke.
"You said you don't like sleeping alone," I whispered as her eyes got heavy. She was fighting to stay awake as Aries kept sweating, "why?"
She sighed, "because I see them. The nameless faceless people from the mountain. I heard their screams. I think of the families I tore apart. I know I hurt a lot of people by choosing to keep mine safe. Who says that's fair?"
I squeezed her fingers as she looked at me with the tears in her eyes, "who we are and who we have to be to survive are two very different things. Trust me Clarke, my hands aren't clean either."
She swallowed her tears and sighed, "I know. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish Aries could grow up in a world that was safe and peaceful."
"He will," I nodded as I looked at my son, "I'll do everything I have to do to make sure he grows up without war."
She flashed me a sad smile. We both knew that would be hard to do. The grounders weren't very big on understanding. No matter how big of a compromise we would make with them, they always found a reason to hate us. But that didn't mean I wouldn't try.
"We could run away," I whispered smiling as I thought of the dreams I had so many nights when she was gone, "we could find land that didn't belong to us or them. We could make it on our own, Clarke. You, me, and Aries."
She smiled as she shook her head. "I wish that were the easy solution. But you and I both know running away doesn't solve any problems."
"I know. It's a nice fantasy though," I cleared my throat and pulled at my jacket. It was warm in the room. I was tired and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with the fire going. But it was the only light we had.
Clarke yawned as I took my boots off. The fight between us was long forgotten, at least for the moment. It was nice to fall back into our regular routine. Aries between us, our shared bed underneath us. It was like nothing had changed.
And yet everything had.
Clarke let out a sigh as she looked up at me, "can I stay here tonight? I missed you last night," Clarke was shy as she kept watching Aries. His fever had died down, but he was still coughing.
"You don't have to ask," I yawned as we both settled into our spots still staring down at our little boy, "you're always welcome to stay with us."
Her smile made my heart hurt. I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted so much more than this friendship with her, "good. Because after sharing my cabin with you for the last five months, I hated going to bed without you last night."
I smiled back at her as we kept watching the little boy who had brought us together.