Even the piercing ringing of the school bell couldn't pull me from my shock-induced daze. Rather than jumping to attention and rushing over to physics to profoundly apologize to Jay, I simply stood there and allowed myself to be swept away by the current of pupils rushing down the stairs. I was lost in an endless sea of shirts and ties, unable to distinguish Lee and Lewis from the rest of swarm.
The word 'Jay' just kept spinning round in my head like a faulty record on the blink.
"Ash! Dude, wake up!"
I blinked a few times uncertainly, trying to decide if I was still in a daydream or if Lee really was bawling in my face. A frown covered her own in a bizarre mixture of anger and confusion. Her lip curled downwards in sadness and she shot a frustrated glare at me. I wasn't sure if there was a word to describe the blend of emotion flickering across her features...
I highly doubted it though.
"Ash!" she repeated, seizing me roughly by the shoulders and shaking me like a rag doll. My head throbbed; I could actually envision my measly excuse for a brain sloshing inside my head, the contents steadily dripping from my ear.
I was way bad. And it made me feel physically sick.
"Ugh..." I grunted, clutching my sticky forehead. "I don't feel well..."
At once, a spindly arm snaked around my waist, holding me together, while another much firmer hand clasped my shoulder and began to steer me through the crowds. I let myself be pulled blindly, not caring in the slightest that we were heading in the opposite direction from the science block.
I really didn't think I could face sitting next to Jay anyway.
A pungent stench attacked my nostrils and I gasped.
"Nuh uh!" protested Lee. "No way. I ain't putting a toe in them filthy changing rooms!"
Rubbing my eyes, I glanced up and found myself in the back end of PE block, near the dingy, dark outdoor changing rooms that had long since been abandoned. I blanched.
"Well where else do you have in mind?" Lewis hissed, heaving the wooden door open with a grunt. We slipped inside unnoticed – not that anybody would be guarding the doors anyway. The outdoor changing room block was an old post-Second-World-War prefab article that just hadn't been torn down yet. A popular source of rumour and ghost stories among the younger year groups, the decrepit building was generally regarded as a death-trap by both the students and staff.
Why Lewis had picked there of all places was beyond me. Hell, the headmasters' office was probably safer.
Still, Lee scowled and bit her lip in an effort to keep silent. Instead of falling back into the usual playful fight with Lewis –the situation was much too serious for that– she occupied herself by inspecting the crumbling walls.
She wrinkled her nose as her fingers traced a rather damp section of wall. "Gross... Could you imagine having to live in one of these?"
"Hey babba ree bab, ma mammy's got a prefab," I whispered, reciting the old rhyme prefab kids used to sing during hopscotch. Lewis rolled his eyes.
"Long as you don't start singing the Jeely Piece Song next," he grumbled, clearing some dust away from a particularly rickety looking bench. We couldn't find a light switch, so our only source of light was the pale slither of early winter sunlight streaming through the cracks in the boarded up window. It cast a ghostly glare on the three of us, only partially illuminating our features. The damp atmosphere held a very surreal quality.
"Ok," Lee said, settling down on top of a large wooden crate. "What's going on? Start from the beginning."
I sighed, burying my face in my hands. "Bleh. Does it really matter? I fucked everything up big time now anyway."
"Don't say that," snapped Lewis, flopping down onto the bench and pulling my by the arm down with him. Normally I would have struggled but I probably wouldn't have gotten very far with my skinny frame and anyway, I really wasn't feeling up to it.
"Don't say what?" I laughed bitterly, wringing my hands in my lap. "That I've screwed everything up big-time? Because I have, you know..."
Suddenly a high-pitched, girly squeal echoed throughout the prefab and a terrified Lewis leapt up onto the bench.
"Lee, are you alright?" I hissed, reaching for her in the dark. "What was the scream for?"
"It wasn't me," she retorted angrily, batting my hand away. "It was the footballing pansy in the corner!"
My mouth dropped open. "Lewis?"
"Shut the hell up," he yelled gruffly, trying to sound assertive. "There was a rat, ok?"
I snickered. "Was it a big, scary rat with beady red eyes Lewis?"
"Piss off," he mumbled, hesitantly sitting back down again. He flinched slightly as a small grey mouse squirted across the room from a hiding place in a crate, and Lee and I chuckled.
"I can't believe you're afraid of rats," Lee muttered, her tone amused. Even in the dim ghost lighting, I could make out Lewis's horrified expression.
"I am not," he insisted, nervously pulling on a moulding cord hanging conveniently next to the door. He gave it an agitated tug and the room burst into brightness.
"So that's the light switch," Lee nodded, looking around the harshly lit room with a newfound interest. I followed her lead, but regretted it as soon as I caught sight of my haggard reflection in the greasy, blotched mirrors.
"I look like shit," I moaned, peeling some straggly hair back from my forehead. A row of chipped white porcelain sinks underlined the mirrors. After a brief moments hesitation, I turned on the squeaky tap and splashed myself with copious amounts of cold water. The coolness stung my face, and my now red-faced reflection was hardly an improvement, but at least my skin now matched my red-rimmed eyes.
"Eh, a bit worse than usual," Lewis admitted cheerfully. "But don't worry, most people won't notice."
"Thank you for those impenitent words of kindness," I drawled, scrubbing my face dry with some moth eaten paper towels. Lewis grinned but the smile abruptly dropped from his face when Lee flashed him her middle fingers.
"I feel sorry for your future boyfriend," he told her, crestfallen. "You're so mean!"
Lee blushed, and muttered something like, "Well have no fear, you aren't going to fall into the boyfriend category any time soon..."
I detected a slight droop in Lewis's posture, and noticed Lee staring resolutely at the ground, trying to hide her furious blush behind her wavy brown fringe.
"Denial," I coughed, causing them both to splutter and blush. I grinned. They were actually really good together. They brought out the best in each other... Kinda like me and Jay...
I blanched at the thought of my boyfriend. "I still can't believe I said that! To fucking everybody! He's probably sitting in physics with a whole bunch of sorry gits on his case, and it's all my fucking fault."
"No it isn't," Lee spat venomously. "It's that bloody bitch Amy's fault. Dude, you were just doing what a best mate does and sticking up for Jay! It definitely ain't your fault!"
"Best mate, huh?" I mumbled, almost amused. "Yeah. Whatever. Amy didn't wrench the words from my throat, did she? I just didn't think..."
Lewis gave me a strange look, one I couldn't quite decipher.
"Listen bro, you don't have to tell us anything," he started, casually stuffing his hands into his pockets. He'd also completely disregarded the uniform rule and went straight for black jeans too. "But I think, as your mates, me and Lee should know what's going on..."
I swallowed thinking it over. Maybe... maybe they did have a kind of right to know. And I'd already fucked everything up by blabbing to the whole fucking RE class the period before. What harm could a few more words do?
I sighed. "Ok..."
Lee immediately sat up a little straighter and Lewis followed suit. My throat suddenly seemed really, really dry. What had I let myself in for?
"Ok..." I repeated.
"Look, um, you don't have to tell us anything," Lee said quickly, exchanging a small yet meaningful glance with Lewis. "But for the record, we're here for you regardless."
I felt a small smile tug at the corner of my lips and my chest puffed up a little. Lee and Lewis. Who'd have guessed that the pair of them, so different but so alike, would end up being my mates? I grinned a little at the thought.
"Uh, cheers Lee," I mumbled. Despite being glad that they were there, I was still embarrassed displaying my emotions up on a silver platter for all to see.
Lee gave me a warm, wide smile. A genuine grin.
"Eh, no bother mate. But please, go on with the story..."
At once the happy atmosphere dissolved into a tense waiting. I took a deep breath. I could always edit some of the more personal parts out, right?
"Eh, so first up," I began, awkwardly fidgeting on the bench with my sloppy tie. "Me and Jay go way back. Like, way back to toddler days, graffiting Forest Hill park." I smiled at the memory. It was a strange night, both happy and sad. Melancholy yet precious. I frowned, disgusted by my embarrassingly mushy thoughts. "Anyway, so we go way back. When we started school and stuff we didn't really see each other anymore. Hell, we didn't see each other at all actually..."
My voice caught in my throat. Why was I telling them this again? It was embarrassing, but it was also a slight relief to get everything off my chest.
"So yeah. One night I'm eavesdropping on my mum and dad, as you do, because mum was blubbering hysterically. Turns out my mum and dad's high school pal Linda McCallion has cancer and has been rushed to hospital because she took a stroke."
Lee gasped at this news, and Lewis noticeably stiffened.
"Anyway, turns out she's got a son. Jay. And my mum and dad are his Godparents, so he came to live with us." I made a face. "That was fricking weird at first. I mean, I didn't even remember him and suddenly we've got to fucking top and tail..."
Lee almost let out a laugh, but caught herself just in time and contained it to a small squeak. I flashed her a grin.
"Hey, don't worry about it," I shrugged casually. "I guess that part of the story is moderately amusing..." I sighed. "Well, Linda just got worse, I guess. Especially right now. She's... she's really bad. She can't breathe on her own, she can't eat, she's asleep about 90 percent of the time...That's part of the reason I was so God damn angry at Amy. Fucking bitch."
I clenched my fists for a moment, before letting out a deep breath and dropping my gaze. "But Jay didn't want anyone to know. I mean, I know I was just defending him and everything, but I still told. And Jay's managed to keep a really big secret for me too... Ugh, I've fucked up so bad."
I couldn't force myself to meet their eyes. And suddenly, Lee had cautiously placed her hand on my forearm, a sympathetic smile on her face.
"Hey," she said, her grip on my arm tightening. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Jay doesn't really seem like the type of person to hold a grudge, does he?"
I shrugged. "Nah, he isn't."
"Right then," smiled Lee. "Besides, you can always bargain with him... you've told his secret, he can tell yours."
Her attempt at playful humour completely backfired however, and I suddenly felt I huge weight crashing on my chest.
"That is if he ever wants to talk to me again," I replied miserably, propping my elbows up on my knees and cupping my cheeks with my hands. "'I just need some time to myself right now.'... Sounds awfully like breaking up if you ask me."
Lee took a sharp intake of breath. "Oh my God..."
Lewis and I exchanged a quizzical look before my brain registered my choice of words. And all the blood drained from my face.
"Oh fuck," I whispered, covering my face in horror. I tried to play it off as weak humour, but failed miserably. "Haha. Uh... got you!"
Lewis looked completely and utterly nonplussed. Comes with being a footballer, I suppose. Lee's expression on the other hand was rapidly changing from shock, to confusion, to delight as she pieced together all the odd ends that had puzzled her about Jay and I over the past few months.
"Oh my God," she said again, her eyes literally shining. I braced myself for impact. She was going to smack me...
"Life makes so much more sense!" she gushed, and proceeded to glomp me. I was uncomfortable with hugs at the best of times, so I awkwardly stayed still until she relinquished me from her tight embrace. Lewis still looked confused but a shadow of jealousy clouded his features when Lee launched herself at me.
"Uh..."
I was at a loss for words. Lee on the other hand, wouldn't shut up.
"And that's the big secret!" she said, falling down beside me in a fluttering swoon. "That is so fucking cute!"
"Ok, ok, stop!" commanded Lewis, waving his arms in a ridiculous fashion. "I am so confused right now. What the hell is going on?"
Lee smiled encouragingly at me. "Hey, it's all cool. I'm in a similar club."
She gave me a theatrical wink, which only increased Lewis and I's confusion.
"Uh, what's do you mean?" I asked hesitantly, not sure if I wanted to know the answer. Why wasn't she... screaming? Yelling? Something...?
"You're not the only non-heterosexual folks in the whole school, you know," she explained. "I'm bi."
I stared at her, unblinking.
"Wait a minute," interrupted Lewis, his brows drawn together in epic concentration. "LGBT? As in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans?"
Lee raised an eyebrow. "Cottoned on, have you?"
She turned to face me. "Do you want to tell him, or shall I?"
I swallowed. I really had to man up.
"Eh, I'll do it," I squeaked.
Lee nodded in approval. "Good."
I stepped forward, watching Lewis's guarded expression carefully. My knees were quivering so badly I was surprised I was still upright. Coming out to my friends... it was just as, if not more nerve-wracking than telling Linda. At least if Linda had been homophobic, she couldn't have punched my lights out. Lewis could...
"I'm... I'm..." My voice was weak, pathetic. I almost turned around and ran out there and then but the thought of Lee standing beside me, patiently and silently supporting me made me carry on.
"I'm... gay," I whispered, then immediately bit my lip. "Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that out loud. I mean, I haven't even wrapped my head round it or anything, and... fuck."
Lewis simply stared at me, his expression blank.
"Uh... yeah..." I mumbled. "So that's it. I'm a fag."
"Don't," he snapped, flinched when I stumbled forward.
Oh God... My heart rate suddenly increased tenfold. Was he a homophobe? I wouldn't be surprised. Rude, athletic, (formerly) Mr Popular... He easily fit the stereotype...
"Don't call yourself that," he reiterated. I let out a deep breath I didn't know I'd been holding.
"S'what I am though, isn't it?" I pointed out. "A bent little queer."
"Don't say that," Lewis told me, his voice taking on a forceful edge. "It's a load of bollocks."
I blinked in surprise.
"Please, please, please don't tell me you're one of those closet gay bully stereotypes that are always on TV," I begged. "Because if you are, I'm gonna fucking scream."
"No!" he yelled hurriedly. I raised an eyebrow. "I mean, uh, no offense or anything but... I'm just not like that. But I fully support LGBT rights," he added. "Honest to God, I go to fucking parades and everything."
I felt my jaw drop. "You... you go to gay parades?" I asked with disbelief. Now that the initial anxiety had worn off, I was now in a mild state of shock. Not only did Lewis Kinney, former fucking king of the school not want to punch my lights out, but he also went to gay parades!?
"Dude!" yelled Lee. "You just totally earned like, a bazillion brownie points!"
She held up her hand for a high five, and Lewis –albeit hesitantly– obliged. Meanwhile, I stood still, shaking slightly, still trying to place Lewis in a gay pride parade.
"Uh... not that I'm complaining or anything..." I mumbled, red-faced. "But why in the hell do you go to pride parades?"
Now Lewis was the once looking bashful. "Uh... you won't say to anyone, right?"
"Deal," I said. "Long as you keep this whole... uh... gay thing on the down low."
"Yeah..." Lewis seemed awkward, embarrassed even. I was extremely curious by this point, and leant forwards in anticipation. "Look, do you remember first year? Like the very beginning?"
"How could I forget?" I said dryly. "You were a total cunt. Well, an even bigger cunt than you are now."
He cringed. "Yeah..."
"You were!" I protested, grinning slightly. "You and your mates locked me in the girls fucking changing rooms! How in the hell I managed to explain that to Lars I don't fucking know!"
"Yeah, well, sorry..." Lewis said, and I was surprised to see the genuinely apologetic look in his eye. My face softened a little. "But I was a really angsty preteen. I, uh... I lived with my granddad because my parents didn't want anything to do with me. See, my dad walked out and my mum... she couldn't cope. So my granddad took me in... He was actually a great guy..." A ghost of a smile momentarily crossed Lewis's features as he looked back on memories long gone. "But when I started first year, he died."
Lee suddenly stood up and laced her fingers with his. I smiled, but felt a small pang of jealousy all the same.
"Anyway," Lewis went on, taking a deep breath. "That's why I was really angsty and shit. Not using that as an excuse for what I did, but... yeah. So after that I went into foster care for a bit, before this woman, Sandra Clark offered to foster me. And seriously, she's great and I bloody love her to pieces... She totally fixed up my life and everything."
My whole opinion of Lewis had now changed. I saw the way he swallowed, talking about his sob story like it was no big deal, the way he clenched his fists when he mentioned his parents... And I kind of admired him. He was actually quite... brave.
Well, braver than me anyway, the skinny little squit to afraid to leave the shelter of Narnia.
"And Sandra lives with another woman," he said, giving me a weird half-smile. "You know... she's gay. So yeah. I don't care if you're gay or not, but don't use the word fag. Ever."
I stayed quiet for a moment, unsure how to respond. Lewis... I saw him totally differently now. Rather than some dumbass, big headed footballer, I actually saw him as this really complicated, three dimensional guy... And it was pretty weird.
"Seriously?" I asked wearily, falling back down onto the dank wooden bench. "That's all totally true?"
Lewis swallowed. "Eh, yeah. Yeah it is."
"Oh well that's great," I complained. "Fan-fucking-tastic."
Lee and Lewis looked confused. I rolled my eyes.
"You just had to be the jerk with the tragic past, didn't you? Great. Now I can't even hate you in private without feeling guilty. Thanks mate. Thanks a lot."
Lewis gave me a wide, crooked grin. "Hey, uh, don't sweat it. I'd probably hate me too if I was in your position."
I simply glared at him.
"But," he said slowly, drawing out the word. "Guess what I'm gonna do to make it up to you?"
I eyed him somewhat suspiciously.
"What?" I asked, reluctant to play along with him – that mischievous gleam in his eyes was kind of unnerving.
"We're gonna fix things with you and Jay dude," he announced, waving the hand he had joined with Lee's. He grinned triumphantly, and the infectious smile soon spread across Lee's face.
"And how exactly do you plan to do that?" I asked, folding my arms across my chest defensively. "In case you haven't noticed, I've royally fucked things up this time. Royally."
Lee gave me a sympathetic smile while Lewis kept up his smug grin.
"Oh, lighten up a bit Ash," he told me, slapping me on the back and knocking the wind out of me. "You're such a pessimist."
"I have a naturally grumpy disposition," I sniffed indignantly, pulling myself back up onto the bench. Lee grinned at me. Lewis grinned at me.
And I grinned back.