Rowan Whitethorn thought he was the master of emotions. He had felt joy, pain, grief, fear, and he learned how to control all these things. But he hadn't been able to control it in front of Aelin.
Aelin Galathynius might as well be the bane of his existence. The triggers to everything in his life. She brought him joy and happiness. But she brought him suffering as well. His heart hurt so much right now, he didn't think he could live any longer. His hawk form perched on a rooftop, and just for the briefest of seconds, he considered never returning to the palace. Never seeing Aelin again. But that would be pointless. It would hurt even more than what he was feeling right now. It would hurt so much that Rowan knew it would eventually drive him insane.
Love is a cruel thing. It had been his downfall once, hundreds of years ago, and it would be his downfall now. He could pretend he was the master of emotions all he wanted, but at the end of the day, Rowan knew he was a goner when it came to Aelin.
So he returned. It was almost midnight when he did, and he could scent Aelin on their bed when he swept inside and shifted back. He stiffened when he realised she was awake, but he slipped under the covers anyway. She had apologised, and so he would too.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into the night. Aelin tensed, and then spun around to face him.
"For what? I should be the one apologising."
"You already apologised, Fireheart," Rowan smiled weakly and reached to push her hair back, but thought better of it and let his hand fall. Aelin's eyes flew to his fallen hand and frowned.
"Rowan-"
"I'm selfish," he blurted out.
Her eyebrows shot up. "I know."
He fought back the urge to laugh at such a moment like this. "No, you really don't. You only see the better parts of it. You haven't seen the worst parts yet. I think I've realised that contrary to our beliefs, we really haven't seen very much of each other."
"Just the surface?"
"Just the surface. We'll have forever to uncover everything."
"I like the sound of that."
"I'm selfish, Aelin," he sighed, closing his eyes. "Honestly, why do you think I try to steer you away from the captain so much? Even from Dorian, during our first week here. I say it's because you're a queen, but that's only a small fraction of the reason why."
He felt Aelin's fingers touch his cheek gently, and Rowan sighed in content. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. You should hate me for it. I knew you could never love me back. Why did I have to stop you from seeking out other people?"
"Because you're a territorial Fae bastard," she replied, and his eyes flew open, sparkling in the dark. Aelin was smiling. "I knew it wasn't just because I was a queen. But I didn't realise it was because you...loved me. Not in that way."
It was weird having her say it out loud. It made it all the more real. For her to know...finally know...it felt good. Except for the part where she didn't return his feelings.
"Sometimes I think you must've known. I wasn't being absolutely discreet about it."
"We're all blind to the things that truly matter," she whispered, her fingers continuing to caress his tattooed cheek. "I just realised this when you left. I've been so blind. So blind."
"Don't blame yourself."
"I do."
"Please don't," Rowan's voice was pained. He never wanted Aelin to blame herself for something that was so clearly his fault.
Aelin leaned in further, and they were so close that Rowan could feel the warmth of her breath.
"Aelin," he warned, but it came out sounding like a plea. Her turquoise eyes were clear even in the dark, the ring of gold around it shining like the sun – his sun.
"I've been so blind," she murmured, and her lips brushed his as she said it. Rowan inhaled sharply and his arm went around her waist, pulling her body flush against his on the mattress. His eyes descended to her lips before he could stop himself, and a moment later, she kissed him.
Rowan swallowed down the growl rumbling in his chest, pulling Aelin even closer until it seemed as if their bodies could meld into one.
Not enough. Not close enough. Rowan pushed himself up without breaking the kiss, caging Aelin in as she lay on the mattress and he hovered over her. Her hands were in his hair, tugging gently, and then harder as their kiss turned more heated. Rowan needed skin against skin. Now.
But then he pulled away. "Aelin," he forced himself to say. "You don't..."
Her finger pressed against his lips. He gently pried it away. "Listen to me, Fireheart. You don't have to do this just because I..."
Gods, why is it so hard to say?
"Because you love me," she finished for him. Rowan nodded once.
"I was thinking," she continued. "When you left. About how empty I felt, and how it felt so wrong to let you go like that."
Her hands were running through his hair, and Rowan found it hard to breathe with their bodies pressed so closely. He didn't move away.
"And?" he croaked.
"And I've been so blind," she repeated. "I think I'm in love with you too, Rowan Whitethorn."
His heart almost stopped beating right then and there. "You don't mean that. You don't have to..."
"I do. I think I have for a while now, as well. But I've never really realised it, until tonight."
This couldn't be real. This couldn't be real. Rowan was hallucinating.
"Do you want to know something, Rowan Whitethorn? I'm selfish too. Probably as selfish as you. That's why we clash, and that's why people will doubt us, that's why we doubt ourselves. But we'll work. We're selfish enough to seize the reins of our own lives, say 'fuck it', and love each other despite everything else."
The tears welled in Rowan's eyes. "Aelin. Aelin."
She leaned up, her arms around his neck. "I love you. I have never been more sure."
That was enough for him. His lips descended on hers, and this time, it was more filled with passion and lust and "I love you's" and all those pent-up emotions they've both kept hidden away for ages.
Aelin's hand shook as she unbuttoned his shirt, and he helped her take it off, throwing it on the floor. Her fingers roamed his muscled abdomen, skimming over the rough scarred planes of his chest. Rowan let out a growl, and broke their kiss to press his lips softly to her neck, her jaw, her cheek, her forehead, her eyelids, her nose...
Aelin let out a sigh of content, and moved to remove her shirt.
Rowan stopped her, grabbing her wrist. "We're not doing it tonight."
"Why not?" her eyes spoke unsurely, filling up with insecurity. Aelin, his queen, vain and confident, vulnerable just for him as he was vulnerable just for her.
Rowan kissed her softly, brushing back the golden strands of her hair. "I want you. More than you can possibly imagine. But you've just bedded the captain. I can still smell him on you."
Aelin paled considerably.
"I'm not disgusted, Aelin. Never," he cupped her cheek. "But I won't be thrilled to sleep with you while his mark is still on you."
"I didn't know what I was thinking," Aelin groaned.
Despite himself, Rowan smiled slightly. "We all make our mistakes. I promise to make it up to you when we return to Orynth."
"What? So I have to wait it out?"
"Yes," Rowan smirked. "It'll be on our bed, not this one."
His lips pressed against her neck again. "And then our desk. And against our wall. And then in the woods, maybe in a cave, or on top of a mountain, and perched on a tree branch. We'll have many adventures, you and I."
Rowan could smell her arousal, and he restrained himself from tearing off her clothes right there. He has exercised restraint for this long. He could go a little longer.
"You promise?" Aelin grinned.
"I'll make sure of it," he returned the grin, and kissed her again.
Their mouths moved together for what could've been hours, and when dawn broke, both of their lips were swollen and they were breathing heavily. Aelin's head was rested on Rowan's chest, and he savoured this moment, this day. May there be many more like it.
******
This is a really short chapter :/ sorryyyy
There will be one more chapter after this, and then maybe an epilogue. I hope you liked it! And hey, I kinda updated early right?? ;)