I step in front of the mirror ,straightening out my suit and making sure my hair is perfect like Natasha used to like it. She always liked it that way.
"You look more handsome that way."She'd say."Like your back in the forties."
I fiercly wipe away my tears and struggle to put a smile on my face. She would have wanted me to be happy and not mourn her. She would want me to be happy because she no longer has to run or live a life of sin anymore.
If she were still here she'd probably tease me for crying or tell me to shut up and pull myself together. She'd somehow make this entire thing better.
I take a deep breath and grab my keys from the table near the door. I want to be prompt and not minute late.
I drive slowly, trying to prolong the time I'll have to see Natasha be lowered into the ground.
I just can't muster the appropriate amount of strength to be happy.
I blink away the tears that threaten to spill from my swollen eyes.
As I pull onto the graveyard grounds and spot Coulson and the rest of the S.H.I.E.L.D team ,I take a deep breath and park in on the grass.
Not many people are here. Not very many people were invited.
I walk toward the black casket,ignoring the raindrops in which fall onto my face.
Peggy steps beside me as I stop in front of the casket,wrapping her hand in my own. She sheds tears of her very own,laying the red rose down on top of the casket. I lay mine down ontop of her own. The white one she mentioned once before to me during that mission we were captured in Rajasthan.
"White roses."She's said quietly staring up at the ceiling."If I die here,I don't want red roses. Those are too cliche. I want white roses."
"Why white?"
She laughed tiredly."Represents the purity I wish I had. The purity I could never achieve but wanted so badly."
I lay my hand on her casket and clench my jaw,trying to keep my tears hidden behind my eyes."I got you that rose."
Peggy rubs my back and walks away from me.
Skye takes her place,looking down casket,tears falling from her eyes."I'm sorry."She whispers to me,but her eyes remain down.
I close my eyes, feeling the tears bubble on my lashes and soon they spill down my cheek. Skye hugs me,her head on my chest. She looks up at me,giving a little smile. She brings my face down,kissing my cheek and laying her hand on my shoulder before she rejoins the rest of the S.H.I.E.L.D team.
The minister,a small chubby man,requests that I join the others so that he may commence the funeral. Before I join them,I am stipped by two S.H.I.E.L.D agents dressed in tactical gear and handed both an American flag and a Russian flag. For Natasha's service in both despite what she stood for in Russia.
I hold the folded flags in one arm,and walk back toward the small congregation of men and women.
The minister speaks sadly and slowly. Most of his words echo in my ears. I don't comprehend many of them. I catch the ones that fall after Natasha's name but not many after.
Once the minister is done with his speech,he requests eulogies for Natasha.
Fitz steps forward to the podium,his head hung with shame. Tears fall down down his face and his voice shakes and he attempts to steady it although he fails.
"First of all things,I would like to express my condolences to Steve and to the rest of you."Fitz pauses looking out at us,his eyes freezing on my face. "The world has lost a crown jewel that can never be replaced. Noone will be able to fill the shoes of Natasha Romanoff no matter how hard they tried. There was just something special about her that made her...Natasha. She was sarcastic at all the wrong times,but later in you realized that without that sarcasm,you would have never made it through a mission. She had a tongue made of glass. Oh was she sharp. You didn't want to cross her I aasure you. You wouldn't have liked the words that she said. But most of all things,Natasha was a beautiful person,despite her obvious flaws and her checkered past. She threw her life down on the line every single mission she went on. She's saved most of the lives standing here before me today. It's just a shame she had to go. She was too young and I don't think this world was prepared for her exit. Neither were we. We will forever hold you in our memories and in our hearts. Thank you."
Applause follows after Fitz's speech. He steps down from the podium and steps back into the small congregation of us.
Each member of the S.H.I.E.L.D team,and each member of the Avengers express their love for Natasha and express how it pains them that she is gone already. She and the child in which she held within herself.
As Tony steps down from the podium-the last of everyone-I place both flags at opposite ends of the casket.
I climb onto the podium,unable to take my eyes from the long black coffin.
I close my eyes tight before I begin speaking,trying to muster the strength to withstand the tears. She wants you to be happy.
I wipe my eyes and take one long deep breath before I begin.
"I think if I didn't come up here to say something about Natasha,I would have done both she and my child a great disservice. I loved Natasha. And I don't use that word lightly. Both of us thought we could simply ignore the evolving feelings we'd knew were growing deep inside of us,but we couldn't. Everyone saw that even when we didn't."There is a bit of laughter."The last words Natasha said to me were live your life. And I think that's what she'd want for all of us. To live our lives despite our grief. The world needs saving. She'd want us to save it. She told me to find someone else to love. Someone else to care about. To continue to fight even though she's gone. I don't think she realized how hard that will be for me. She was my life. And now my life is gone."I close my eyes,feeling another wave of tears preparing to fall from my face."So,does that mean I have too died? Have I died with the woman I so deeply loved? I have. But I can't be gone too long. Knowing Natasha she'll probably kick my ass if I sulk too long."More laughter."The last thing I said to Natasha before she died was I love her. And I meant it. I have never loved someone so much for so long before. Even with her flaws and her damages, she was still the best woman anyone could ask for. She was beautiful. She had that gorgeous red hair everyone envied her for and those green eyes she could lure anyone in with. That voice that was so cunning and with that voice she was sarcastic and funny and she told you what you needed to hear and not what you wanted to. But that's all gone now. And I regret letting her leave. I regret letting myself be so selfish that I pretended her existence no longer mattered to me. But now that she's gone, I realize that nothing else did. She was the only one that gave my life meaning. And now she's gone."I wipe my face, and smile down at her casket."I'll love you forever. Because without you I am nothing. And if nothing else,I am forever yours. I am forever yours my love."
With that,I step down from the podium.
The ceremony concludes with the firing of rifles. Twenty eight for the years she lived. Thirteen for the years of service at S.H.I.E.L.D. And one for the child we lost when we lost her.
The minister has her body lowered into the ground and he takes the white rose I had placed on the top of the casket and picks off each and every petal dropping it down into the ground.
"From ashes to ashes and from dust to dust."The minister speaks.
I sob like a child. I shudder as each escapes my throat. Nothing is capable of mending my pain. Not the kind I feel now.
They place her headstone in the ground, and a small one next to her own symbolizing my child.
"Thank you for coming."The minister says.
Aa the others leave,Peggy steps beside me."Would you like to be alone?"
I nod once.
I watch her leave,and once I am no longer able to see her,I sit down in front of Natasha's headstone and sob.
"I thought I told you to be happy when I died."
I see her. Like she had been when I last seen her. Her hair is long. Her body is curvier. She smiles down at me. She is dressed normally in a pair of old jeans and one of my shirts in which she has tucked into her jeans. Beside her is a small boy with thick blonde curls and bright blue eyes.
"Is that him?"
She nods.
"His name is James. Looks nothing like me. I carry him for nine months and he gives me no credit for doing it."
I smile and stand,walking over to she and James. I wrap her in my arms and kiss her soft sweet lips.
James tugs at my pants.
"Why are you sad daddy?"
I look down at him.
"I'm not."I lie."I'm not sad at all."
Natasha lays her hand on my arm and looks me in my eyes."You made me a promise big guy. I don't wabt you to grieve me ok? There are things you still need to worry about. I'm not one of them anymore. Fight, Steve. Kill Jonas. If you can't, you fight him until your last breaths even if your attempts are feeble,I'll be proud because you tried. Do it for us."She looks down at James who smiles up at her. She ruffles his thick curls. She turns back to me and gives me one last long kiss on the lips."I love you,Steve."
And like that she is gone. She and James.
"I love you to,Natasha."