"I know what you believe, but He could change your heart through prayer and fasting." He paused "Or He could change mine. Let's spend next weekend in fasting and prayer and then we'll talk again."
David called a cousin who worked for the state and asked him to bring an application for the Chaplain's job by the house. When he brought it, there was a question on it about having been forced to leave a job because of misconduct. The way it was worded, David could justify not telling about the circumstances under which we left Montana, but he would be playing with semantics to do it. That night the chairman of the pulpit committee also called. David told him that we were planning to seek God's face in prayer and fasting and that he would get back with him.
The next day, David put in his application at the prison. He answered the misconduct question in the negative, but said he would divulge the conditions of our departure from Montana in the interview if necessary. Later that week, David met with the deacon who headed up the pulpit committee. He told him the reason we left Montana. The deacon told David that he didn't think that would matter and asked permission to share it with the committee. The next day he called and said the committee didn't want to hear the details. He told them we'd left because of sin but that repentance and restoration were complete. They said that was good enough for them, and they wanted to meet with us anyway.
David told them that we needed to talk, and he would get back to them about a meeting in a week. In the meantime, the warden called and set up an interview with David. When he came home, he told me that there was never a point in the interview when our tenure in Montana came up. He left without telling the warden why he left Rimrock College. He said it didn't seem relevant. The next day, the warden offered David the job.
We prayed and fasted over the weekend. By Monday, we were both certain that God was leading to the prison. David called the pulpit committee and explained that he was withdrawing his name and taking the Chaplain's job. They asked if he would consider being a bi-vocational pastor.
"Can you believe it, Syd?" he asked me. "God wants to use me in ministry. He gave me not one, but two possibilities."
"I know, love." I said. "I told you that God wasn't through with you."
In the end, he took both jobs. The church loved us and never asked any questions about the sin that had led us back to them. Their acceptance of him was cathartic for David. The wounds inflicted by the leadership in Montana were healed by the grace he received from the congregation.
David had a phenomenal five-year ministry at the prison, but I couldn't help but wonder if God couldn't have done more had David been forthcoming about his past. He touched lives by expanding the prison ministry. He used inmate Chaplains to help him spread God's good news about forgiveness. The inmates could identify with his chaplains because they were in prison for crimes that carried life sentences. Still, I wondered if more lives would have been touched had they known that the Chaplain had screwed up, but God still chose to use him. I'll never know the answer to that question.
When opportunities arose, David and I divulged our past to couples who were struggling with adultery, but I followed his lead and never again told anyone about our painful past without first clearing it with him.
#
"See," Faith thought. "God used Daddy and kept his secret. I'm sure my life was easier because of it – Mama's too, probably. She admitted that some people thought it was partially her fault that Daddy strayed. She was protected from more of that. Some secrets are better off left alone."
Still, she couldn't help but wonder how many people Mama might have helped if she had been free to share Daddy's secret.
The next day, Faith went into Mama's study. One shelf contained several unlabeled binders. She pulled one out and dusted it off. It obviously had been on the shelf undisturbed for a long time. The first page began, "This morning I woke up early, as I have for the last two days, with an ache in my heart and my son uppermost on my mind."
"Zach," she thought. She closed the binder. "Maybe what Mama wrote in the journal is all I need to know," she said aloud. "I wonder if I ought to shred this. It might hurt Zach." She shook her head and put it back. "Mama suspected she was dying. She could have destroyed it. Maybe he needs to read it," Faith thought.
She pulled out a second binder. It had a dust film, but it was less thick.
"She's looked at this one more recently," Faith thought. "Probably not long before her death."
The first entry read, "It is 3AM, and I cannot sleep. My mind keeps going in circles trying to make sense of the senseless. David admitted the unthinkable today."
"Daddy," Faith thought. "I wonder if this is the manuscript Mama sent to a publisher? It's in the format of a journal, though. I doubt it."
She wasn't ready to read the raw unedited pain of her father's infidelity. The entries in the journals Mama had left her had been hard enough to read. Faith slipped the binder back in and removed a third. She blew dust bunnies off of the top. The first page was a plastic sleeve. Inside was an article from the Northwest Baptist Paper with the story about David's fall. As Faith read, her heart ached for her parents.
The second plastic sleeve held a letter to the editor of the Northwest paper. It was from Syd. It read:
All of you have read of my husband's affair. I have always told David that if he committed adultery I would take a set of pruning shears to the appropriate part of the anatomy and then leave him to pick up the pieces of his life alone. Now that this has happened, I have discovered that God has a much better set of pruning shears than I. God uses his shears to remove the rot and decay that entombs the heart and soul and replace a damaged and ruined spirit with a broken and contrite heart.
I know that this revelation left many of you, as it did me, in a state of shock. The human response is judgment. God has already pronounced judgment, and David will continue to reap the consequences of his actions for years to come. You might respond that what David did was despicable, and he deserves your contempt. You are right on one count. What he did is despicable, and you are right to judge the sin. However, to presume to judge the condition of the human heart is to usurp God's place. We do not need your judgment.
I have been through several of these types of incidents in the Christian community. I have heard spouses condemned for forgiving their partners too readily. I have heard people say a woman is a fool for taking back a reprobate who made the mistake of allowing himself to be governed by the wrong head. To call forgiveness foolishness is to call God a fool. God has been gracious enough in this situation to allow me the gift of mercy. Do not judge me for that; support me.
What David and I need now is for you to be channels of God's redemptive love. Love us in whatever way God leads, but reach out in love not in pity or condemnation. I thank God that he is going to use these circumstances that satan meant for evil to teach us and grow us more in His likeness.
Sydney Lander
Faith ran her hand over the page.
"How could you be so brave, Mama?" she thought. "I don't think I would have been able to hold my head up, much less defend my husband and ask people for support."
The words, "My Spirit I leave with you," sounded in Faith's mind. She smiled. "He carried you, didn't He, Mama?" She was looking heavenward as she formed the words.
The rest of the binder was filled with cards and letters from people who responded to Syd's letter to the editor. Faith read through them. As she read, tears ran down her face. When she finished, she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
"No wonder, they made it through," she said. "A lot of people were praying for them. God used a negative article to generate support."
She put the binder back and removed the fourth and final binder. It was not covered with dust like the other three. When she opened it, Faith found a title page: After Adultery by Sydney Lander. A sticky note was stuck below the title. In Syd's handwriting were scrawled the words, revised and resubmitted. It was dated three days before her mother's death.
"She must have sent it to a publisher," Faith thought. "I'm going to have to show this to Josh and Zach."
"Hello, anybody here?" Aaron's voice interrupted Faith. She looked at her watch. It was lunchtime. She jumped up. She hadn't fixed anything for Jacob, and she wasn't expecting Aaron.
She looked down at her rumpled, dusty clothes and shrugged.
"I'm in here," she called as she started down the hall.
Aaron came around the corner, saying, "There's someone I want you to meet."
He was followed by a blond.
"You!" the girl exclaimed.
"Do you know her?" Aaron said.
Faith felt her face flame.
"This is your fiancé? I thought you said her name was Faith."
"It is," a bewildered Aaron said.
Faith and Kyra spoke at the same time.
"She told me her name was Angelica," Kyra said.
"I can explain," was Faith's contribution.
"She came to Monroe and posed as a writer researching abortion," Kyra said. "I fed her dinner, took her to my meeting, told my girls they could trust her. If this is the woman you're marrying, then you can forget about Shandra spending time in your home."
She turned on her heel and headed for the front door. Aaron went after her.
"Wait," Faith called. "I can explain."
Aaron called back over his shoulder.
"I'll talk to you after work."
His voice sent shivers down Faith's spine. She trailed after them and watched out the window as Aaron caught Kyra's arm. He said something to her. They got in his car and drove away.
Faith sank into a chair and started to cry. She felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you okay?" Jacob asked.
Faith looked up. She had forgotten he was here. She swiped her sleeve across the tale-tell tears. She wondered how much he'd heard.
"I'll be okay," she said.
"Look," he said. "I don't know what's going on. I woke in time to see an angry blond storm through the living room followed by a worried Aaron. Then you..." he shrugged. "If you want to talk, I'll listen. If not, I'm sure everything will work out. I mean, Aaron brought her here to meet you, so he's not having an affair or anything."
"Not now," Faith thought.
"Don't worry about it, Jacob," she said. "Like you said, things'll work out."
Jacob tried to smile. One corner of his mouth turned up. His eyes looked sad and amused at the same time.
"You might want to wash your face," he said. "You sort of smeared dirt when you wiped your tears on your sleeve."
"Okay," Faith said. "You go back to bed. I'll wash up and get us some lunch. Things always look more positive on a full stomach."
She fixed them some leftover lasagna, but all she did was push it around her plate. Her mind was a whirlwind of confusion.
"What was Kyra doing here? Why had Aaron brought her to the house? Did her comment about Shandra spending time in their home mean that Kyra's daughter was Aaron's child after all?"
As she tidied up the kitchen all she could do was moan, "What have I done? Oh, God what have I done?"
She went back into the study, but was no longer interested in her quest. She tried Aaron's cell, but it went straight to voice mail. Finally she went to the glassed-in porch and sat in Mama's swing. The fountain failed to soothe her frayed nerves.
"I blew it, Mama," she said. "God tried to get me to stop. Then he tried to get me to confess. What am I going to do now?"
The fountain continued to flow. A breeze tussled the dogwood blooms. A robin hopped across the grass. No words of wisdom surfaced in Faith's agitated mind.
"Okay, God," I admit that I was wrong not to listen to you. "What now?"
Still nothing. In frustration, Faith picked up Mama's journal and started to read.