I had to take Josh to the dentist the next day. We had our conversation in the car on the way. I told him about the pictures and asked him if he had feelings for boys. Josh told me that some of the kids at school called him "gay boy."
"Do you remember the weekend that I came home early from a sleepover the summer after the eighth grade?" he said. "Well, Steve, caressed my leg when we woke up. I got out of bed and hightailed it home."
"I remember you coming home awfully early," I said. "I thought it was strange, but you said his family was going somewhere and had to leave."
"Well, I wasn't going to tell you my best friend made a pass at me."
"I did notice that you guys quit hanging out together in the ninth grade."
"Yeah. I told you that Steve found new friends at High School. I didn't tell you that he went to school and told everyone that I was gay and had made a pass at him. That's why some of the kids dubbed me 'gay boy.'"
"Why didn't you say something?"
"What were you gonna do? Go to Steve's parents like you did Jeoff's when we played spin the bottle at his birthday party in the sixth grade? No thanks. I figured that it would die down after awhile, and it did."
"So those pictures aren't yours?"
"Nope, not mine."
David's conversation with Zach didn't go quite so well. He admitted that he was the one who'd been looking at male porn. When Josh and I got home, Daddy told Josh to watch Faith while we met with Zach in his room. Josh's eyes shot to my face. I saw compassion in his eyes.
When we got to his room, Zach admitted he'd gone onto the Internet in search of porn.
"All of the porn sites I found were gay porn," David said. "Is that the kind of porn that interests you?"
"Would you believe me if I told you that it was accidental?" Zach asked. He was looking at the floor instead of meeting our eyes. I reached out and touched his arm.
"Is that what you're telling us?"
He looked up, and our eyes locked for a minute.
"Is that what you want to hear?"
Our conversation continued in the same vein. He answered questions with questions, avoiding making any concrete admissions or denials.
"Son, I'm scared," David finally said. "As you know, homosexuality is rampant in my extended family. We need to know so we can help you. Do you have sexual feelings toward males?"
"You don't want to hear the answer to that question," Zach said.
"I take that as a yes," I said.
Zach told us that guys had sexually aroused him for a couple of years. He was fighting it the best he knew how. He dated girls and avoided guys that he was attracted to. He prayed every day for God to make him normal.
"I didn't ask for this," he said through tears. "I don't want to feel this way. I just want to be normal."
David got up and went to where Zach was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall. He sat down beside him and put his arms around him.
"Son, we love you," he said. "Nothing you can say or do will change that. We had to make you admit this if we were going to help you. Having a homosexual bent is not a sin, only indulgence is a sin."
Zach sobbed in his father's arms while I sat and watched.
"Bravo," I thought. I was so proud of my husband, who had responded with love and taken the first step toward redemption, while I sat stunned and unable to move. I finally reached out and massaged my son's shoulder. His hand found mine and gripped it, like a drowning man clutching a rescuer.
"Please don't tell anyone," Zach begged. "Not unless I give you permission."
We promised through our tears. David finally sat back. We all wiped our eyes, but Zach continued his hold on my hand.
"When I was about eight and we stayed with Aunt Dinah for a few days, Brian and I camped out one night," he told us. "He masturbated in front of me. He took my penis and tried to help me do it too. I got aroused for the first time that night, but it scared me. I refused to go camping with him again. I was afraid to."
"Why didn't you tell us?" I gasped.
"I didn't know how. I didn't know what arousal was back then. I just knew I felt excited, but I figured I wasn't supposed to feel that way because Brian told me not to tell anybody what we did."
Tears started to run down my face again. I gritted my teeth and tried to keep from sobbing. David's arm began to twitch, as did his cheek. I could tell that he wanted to strike out at something. Zach evidently had the same thought.
"Don't be mad at Brain, Dad," he said. "He apologized to me last year. He told me that he knew what he did was wrong. He had just started junior high school. He was an only child. He lived in the country and didn't have but a couple of friends. He was afraid to share his sexual feelings with them or his parents. When we camped, he felt that it was safe to act out sexually in front of me."
David unclenched his fists and let out his breath. His arm quit twitching. Zach and I both relaxed a bit.
"The feelings went away for a few years," Zach said, "but they came back when I was about eleven. Like I said, I've tried everything, but the attraction just doesn't go away. I must've been born this way."
David asked him if he would be willing to see a counselor.
"Sure, Dad," Zach said. "Whatever. But don't be surprised if it doesn't work. I've been trying to get rid of these feelings for several years now."
And so Zach went to see a counselor.
#
Faith was upset. The family had gone through a major upheaval, and no one had ever told her.
"You were too young to understand," she reminded herself.
"But I haven't been for a long time," her alter ego answered.
She sighed. It wouldn't have done her any good to know.
She dialed Josh's number. "Did you ever get that tux measurement?" she asked him.
"The day both you and Aaron reminded me."
Faith sighed audibly.
"What's the matter, Sis? I'm sure you didn't call to just ask me a question you already knew the answer to."
Faith looked down at the open journal.
"You're right. I've been reading Mama's memoirs."
She could hear the pain and note of accusation in her voice. She tried to smooth her tone.
"Why didn't anyone tell me that Zach was gay?"
It was Josh's turn to sigh.
"He didn't want you to know."
"Why not? Did he think I was too weak to handle it?"
"No, Faith. You're strong like Mama."
There was a pause in the conversation, but Faith stayed silent. She could imagine Josh rubbing his temple and grimacing as he tried to choose his words.
"Zach was your hero. He didn't want to loose that status. He was afraid that if he took off his mask, that admiring look would vanish from your eyes."
"He was afraid I wouldn't love him any more?" Faith's voice sounded like she was choking on something.
"Not that you wouldn't love him, but that you wouldn't admire him as much."
Faith tried to clear the frog from her throat.
"Put yourself in his shoes, Faith. What good would it have done for you to know? There wasn't really anything you could do."
"I could show him that I love him no matter who he is."
"I know. I told him that secrets never bind people together. They only tear them apart. But he said he wasn't ready and that some day he'd tell you, if things didn't change."
"Have they changed?"
"Not to my knowledge. We don't really talk about it. It's not like his sexual preference changed his personality or anything. We decided that it was pointless to discuss his orientation. It was like chewing old gum that's lost its flavor. We sort of agreed that until he found someone he wanted to spend his life with, there was no point in talking about it. We have a lot more important things to talk about."
"I think he was afraid that Mama would 'out' him in her journal. He told me that if all the family secrets were in the journal, I'd need to forgive others besides Aaron."
"Have you completely forgiven Aaron, then?"
"As a matter of fact, I have." Faith was glad to change the subject. "Aaron proposed to me all over again night before last, and I said yes. May 12th is definitely a go."
"That's a relief," Josh said with a laugh. "I should have known Ivy was right. She told me not to worry, that she was sure you and Aaron would tie the knot."
"I'm glad someone knew." Faith laughed too. "I've got to get back to making wedding preparations. Time's getting short."
For a while, Faith left the journal closed on her nightstand. Days, she was busy with wedding preparations and work. Nights, she fell into bed without reading. Finally, when almost two weeks had passed, she felt like her emotions were under control enough to go back to the journal.
#
My heart was like a stone in my chest. I cried myself to sleep some nights; others I tossed and turned while my mind played our conversation with Zach over and over like a VCR tape that was somehow stuck on one scene and wouldn't move on. The picture I'd seen on the computer would flash into my mind at unexpected times, and I would feel nauseous. I almost felt paralyzed by my excessive emotional state.
I prayed like I have never prayed before. I wasn't consciously praying all of the time, but I kept an open line to God. I can't really explain the difference, but I felt it. Unfortunately that open connection didn't keep me from making my family miserable. I was short with the kids. I even slapped Josh in the face when he sassed me. That's something I'd never done. Filled with remorse, I asked his forgiveness.
"I'm just not myself right now," I told him.
"I know, Mom," he said. "Zach told me that the porn was his. I don't understand what he's going through, but I'm trying to be there for him. In our world, there's more of a tolerance for gays – at least the idea of gays. Gayness is okay as long as one's not sitting next to you in class. I'm keeping Zach's secret at school, but I don't have to at home. I'm hurting, too, you know."
"I know this is going to sound funny," I said, "but in a way that's a relief – that you know, I mean. At least I don't have to hide what I'm feeling from you."
He frowned.
"No."He drew out the word. "But you have to know, Mom, that I can't condemn my brother. He didn't ask for this. He was made this way."
I couldn't talk to Josh. He was as confused as I was.
I tried to get David to talk. The day after we confronted Zach, he told me that he wanted to have lunch with me. I thought that meant he wanted to talk. I had an appointment in town, but hurried home. My feelings were raw and on edge when I got there. David was sitting in the living room reading the paper. I heated some leftovers and called him to the table. He brought the paper with him and began to eat while reading.
"So why was it so important for us to lunch together?" I asked. "You could have come home and heated your own leftovers and read the paper without me."
He put the paper down and made some small talk. After he finished his meal, he reached behind him and got a book off of the sideboard. It was a counseling book from his office at the college. There was a bookmark inserted in a chapter dealing with homosexuality.
"I wanted to give you this to read," David said. "You should read it and then maybe let Zach read it."
He got up and began cleaning up the dishes. I realized he was as disturbed as I was. Cleaning was never his thing. He then went into the living room and began to pick up the clutter. I sat at the table and started to read the book. I couldn't concentrate. After a page or so, I closed it and followed David into the other room.
"Can I ask you a theological question?" I said. I didn't give him time to respond, but plunged on. "If homosexuality has a hereditary component, how could the God who is creator condemn homosexuality?"
I began to cry half way through the question.
David looked up from the afghan he was folding.
"Syd, I know we need to talk, but right now I can't. The pain is too raw." His eyes looked like the arctic at the height of winter, bleak and cold. He put on his jokester mantle. "The good news is, soon the whole house will be clean."
Neither of us laughed. I began to look elsewhere for comfort, while David slowly died on the inside.
I reconnected with an old friend via telephone. I asked Zach if he cared if I talked to her about what we were going through.
"It's okay, Mom," he told me. "I know you need to talk, and Daddy's not usually the best one to talk to about these kinds of things. He really handled it well, though. I expected hollering and condemnation, not support and love. When Daddy hugged me and told me how much he loved me, a damn broke inside me. If things continue the way they started, we're going to get through this."
"If you only knew," I thought. "Your Dad's soul right now is a frozen wasteland. Even his love for us hasn't been able to thaw his heart."
I could talk to my friend without fear that others in our area would find out. I didn't want anyone local to know. I reasoned that if counseling worked and Zach was 'fixed,' no one would be the wiser, and he wouldn't have to live with the "formerly gay' label. I started a journal – not this one, but one on the computer. I poured out my pain. I wrote down scriptures God gave me. I shared one in particular with Zach: Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
God had a plan for Zach. There was hope for his future. I clung to that promise, even as I mourned the fact that I might never have the joy of holding his children in my arms. One minute I could believe that God was in control, the next I was filled with doubts. In the Bible Paul talked about doubters being like a ship tossed by the waves. I felt like a passenger on that ship. I not only questioned God, I wondered about myself. Had I done something wrong as a mother to make my son gay? Was I too domineering? The literature implied that homosexuality in males resulted from either an overbearing mother or a distant or abusive father. Since David had always had a good relationship with his sons, I questioned my parenting. The only other possibility touted was sexual abuse by another male. I didn't believe that the masturbation encounter with Brian had scarred my son for life.
David threw himself into work at the college. He spent more hours with Anya and Carl.
One night he came home after visiting with Carl.
"You know, " he said. "I went out and witnessed to four people tonight. I felt really good until I put up the garage door. Then a pall settled over me. It was like I had given others hope and come home to a place with no hope."
That sense of hopelessness settled on David. He told me one day, "I still joke, but my humor has lost all of the joy."
I began to pray that God would give him back his joy. I didn't know if I could go through life without the joy of David's humor. For years he had helped me put life in perspective. Now I needed to help him regain perspective, but I didn't know how. All I could do was pray that God would work in his life.
My prayers didn't seem to help. David became angry at God. He wondered how God could let his greatest fear come true while he was serving Him faithfully. He kept up a spiritual front, but he even froze out the Holy Spirit.