TRAPPED
"Without forgiveness love finds itself trapped by life's betrayals, like an earring washed down the drain and tangled in the sludge until freed. "
The addition of a baby to our family changed more than my status as public speaker. The demands of a wee one put a crimp in my friendship circle. All of my friends were focused on pre-teens and teenagers. Their schedules and mine no longer jived. Breast feeding and sleepless nights were over for them. I became the party pooper and gradually we drifted apart. By Faith's first birthday, my social life had dwindled to afternoons with the neighborhood after-school gang and weekly dates with my husband.
One day when I was feeling abandoned David called. "Syd, I'm going to bring a student couple home for dinner. They are new arrivals and in need of support."
"What kind of support?" I asked, wondering how we were going to stretch our income to help a couple of needy students.
"Moral support mostly. They need friends, mentors."
I had always been a sucker for strays. David was more into weird. As I said, "Bring them on," I wondered just what I was getting myself into.
Before he hung up, he said, "Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. They've got the cutest twin girls about Faith's age. Make sure you've got enough pureed goop for three."
Anya and Carl were like sunshine and shadow. Anya had riotous, naturally blond locks that waved down her back. She was like fine champagne, bubbly and effervescent. Blue eyes brimmed with excitement. Carl was dark and quiet, almost brooding. His black hair rivaled Anya's in length, hanging in a braid down his back. His skin tone and facial features pegged him as Native American. He spoke in monosyllables. The twins were almost miniatures of their parents, except the dark-haired one had the curls and the charisma, while the fair-haired one stared solemnly from under a mass of straight, pale hair.
After a few minutes, I excused myself to check on dinner and suggested David give me a hand.
"Which one is the student?" I whispered.
"The silent one," came the reply. "That's why I wanted to bring them home. His spoken English is limited."
"How did he get into college?"
"His written English is better, and he understands perfectly well."
"What is his language?"
"Apsaalooke."
"Oppsah what?"
"Oop-sah-loh-kay," he said the syllables slowly. "He's Crow. I learned my first word in his language. Apsaalooke is their name for the tribe. It means child of the long beaked bird. White invaders called them Crow."
"Okay," I said. "You'd better go back to our guests. Tell them supper will be served in five minutes if they want to wash up."
Despite the fact that Anya was at least 15 years my junior, we became fast friends. We had toddler interests in common. She was scared of the prospect of becoming a preacher's wife and living in one of those glass houses. I became her mentor. She was like a big sister to Josh and Zach. She became Faith's second Mama. I told Faith she was Aunty Anya, but when she began to talk, the name came out as Auntya. To her girls I was Aunty Syd.
#
Faith had almost forgotten about Auntya and the twins. As she read, memories came flooding back.
"I wonder why we didn't keep up with them after we moved?" Faith thought. "I don't even remember Mama getting Christmas cards from them."
She stared pensively at her fingers.
"I know that Mama didn't forget her. She wore the friendship ring Auntya gave her until she died."
She sighed.
"I guess that's what happens when you don't see someone often. You carry them in your heart, but the bond lessens. I wonder if Aaron still carries Kyra in his heart?"
She called him.
"Hey," he answered. "You're not calling to back out on me are you?"
"No, although I have entertained the thought. We're still on – 7pm your place, right?"
"Yep."
"I called because I need to ask you a question. Please don't get mad at me for asking, either. We won't make very good counselors if we are giving each other the cold shoulder."
"I'll try not to. What is it, another Kyra question?"
"Yeah. I was reading Mama's journal. She was talking about a really close friend she had in Montana. Mama wore a friendship ring she gave her as long as I can remember, but they didn't keep in touch. I realized that Mama had carried Auntya in her heart, even when they were not in contact. Do you still carry Kyra in your heart?"
There was a protracted silence.
"I guess that's my answer," Faith thought.
Finally Aaron spoke.
"Don't take my hesitation the wrong way," he said, as though he had read her mind. "I just needed to think about the best way to say this."
His voice sounded almost apologetic.
"Kyra has a small piece of my heart, I guess. I mean when you're with someone for a long time and go through a traumatic event with them, you never forget them. But that doesn't mean that I still love her. It just means that she became a part of me because of what we went through. I'll probably never see her or talk to her again. If I do, it'll be purely by chance. If I did see her, I wouldn't feel the stirrings of dormant love, but I would wish the best for her and would want to know that she went on to have a good life. I hope she found someone to love as much as I love you."
"She did," Faith thought. "It just wasn't a man."
"Okay," Faith said aloud. "I think I get what you mean. I just wanted to ask you that question before we got together with the kids. I didn't want it nagging at the back of my mind. That's all."
"So, you're okay with my answer?"
"Yeah, I'm okay with it. Just give me a heads up if you ever run into her."
#
David determined to help Carl with his quest to learn how to preach. He soon decided that the task of mentoring Carl meant learning a new language. Although Carl understood English, Apsaalooke was his heart language – a language he was determined would remain his first language. His dream was to start a church on his reservation and hold the services in his native tongue.
Anya explained that Christianity on the reservation was a "white man's religion." The services were held in English, and converts were encouraged to abandon their Crow heritage when they embraced Christ. Some did. Others tried to meld Christianity with their native religion, perverting both.
Carl feared that his heritage would be lost and his language forgotten. More importantly, he worried that the older members of the tribe who spoke only Apsaalooke misunderstood the message of the gospel. He wanted to bring the good news to them in their tongue.
All of this Carl explained in his language, with Anya acting as interpreter.
"How'd you learn to speak Carl's language?" I once asked. "It's obvious you're not Crow."
"You don't say," her laugh rippled. "I learned the same way David is learning. Carl taught me new words every day, and I tried talking to him. When I messed up, he let me know."
"Why didn't you make him speak English?"
"I was a teenager when we met. There was something exciting about having a boyfriend that spoke only to you. There was probably a bit of rebellion mixed in, too. My parents could be excluded from our conversation."
"How'd you meet, anyway?"
"My Dad's a historian. He specializes in native American history."
As Anya told her story, I was transported with her into the past.
The blond teen reluctantly accompanied her father on a foray into the interior of the Crow Reservation.
"You don't trust me," she fumed to her father. "Just because Mama's gone, I have to drive out here in this God-forsaken country while you talk to some aged, leathery-looking Indian grandma."
She took a book with her and found a spot under a scrawny tree, positioning herself with her back to the ramshackle house where her father, an interpreter, and the aforementioned elder sat. After a while, she grew bored. Seeing a trail leading away from the house towards another structure, she went exploring. She discovered a barn. One stall was empty. Another housed a Harley. Tack and hay signaled that the empty stall was not reserved for a second mechanical ride. Walking outside, she followed the trail beyond the barn and found herself facing an open meadow. Hearing the thud of hooves, she turned to her right. A handsome young man about her age rode bareback on a Paint horse. She felt like she'd stepped back in time. He and the horse moved as one. He leaned over the neck of the animal, seeming to whisper instructions into his ears, although his hands held the reins. The dark skin of his bare chest glistened with sweat, matching the sheen of his horse. The duo thundered past the mesmerized Anya, turned smartly and returned, coming to a halt in front of her.
The boy leaned down and held out his hand.
She grabbed his outstretched hand and vaulted up behind him. Wrapping her arms around him, she felt the thumping of his heart. He shouted something unintelligible, and the horse bolted or so it seemed to her. The wind whipped her hair. The horse's haunches moved rhythmically beneath her, but she bounced uncomfortably. The boy's body was in perfect sync with the animal. He reached back, put his hand behind her, and pushed her tight against his back. When she molded her body to his and moved in concert with him, the ride smoothed.
Eventually, the horse slowed and then became immobile beside a stream. The boy motioned, and she slid to the ground. She leaned momentarily against the still, compliant animal to regain her balance. The smiling boy jumped down, grabbed her hand, and pulled her to the stream. After dropping to his knees, he splashed water on his hot face and then plunged his face into the stream and drank deeply. Anya followed his lead.
Sitting back on his hunches, he studied her for a moment and then said, "Carl Soaring Eagle."
"Anya Eagleson," she said in response to his expectant stare.
His pleased laugh rang out.
"Soaring Eagle, Eagleson."
Then he started her first Apsaalooke lesson.
"I was enthralled," she admitted. "When I returned to the house with my companion, my Dad's frown stiffened my resolve to find a way to see Carl again. He was as determined. Two days later, he showed up outside my house on the Harley. The interpreter gave him our address." A mischievous grin split her face. "He admitted he could understand English, but refused to answer in my tongue. After I learned a little Apsaalooke, he quit answering when I spoke to him in English. He only responded if I spoke his language."
The two were in love. Most Saturdays, he came for Anya early, and they spent the day riding on the reservation. Neither of them were Christians at the time. One day they consummated their love under a tree on the bank of the stream. When she got pregnant, they aborted. The day after she graduated, they married in a Crow ceremony and moved onto the reservation. He erected a teepee in the meadow, and they honeymooned for the summer. They cooked over the open fire and sometimes even slept outside under the stars. Their food was mostly fish, wild game, and vegetables from a garden Carl's grandmother tended.
When the winter came, they moved in with his grandmother and looked for jobs. A missionary offered the only positions available on the reservation. He ran a home for derelicts, where he ministered to those addicted to alcohol. An adjacent thrift shop provided affordable clothing. A chapel completed the compound. Carl cleaned and served as handyman. Anya ran the thrift store. He listened to the things the pastor told the men who lived there. She listened to the Christian lyrics of the music played in the store. One day Carl discovered the book of John in the Apsaalooke language. He asked the pastor if he could take it home to read. He read it aloud to Anya every evening.
"We both were fascinated by the story of the man who loved the disenfranchised. Eventually, we decided we wanted to be born again, like Nicodemus," Anya said.
Carl had been forced to attend an English elementary school, but he missed a lot of classes and was mostly socially promoted. He actually learned a lot more than the teachers knew, because he refused to speak more than monosyllabic English. With the encouragement of the missionary, he got his high school diploma through a correspondence program designed for students in inaccessible rural areas. He was thinking about attending the newly established Little Big Horn College, but Anya became pregnant. They realized that abortion was contrary to the ideal of their God. The twins were born. Watching the missionary and seeing the misconceptions so many of his people had about the gospel, Carl felt God wanted him to preach to his people. He knew he wasn't ready. The missionary told him about Rimrock Baptist College. He found someone who was willing to give Carl a scholarship. On faith, the couple moved to Billings.
"God knew to send us here," Anya said. "Without you and David, I don't think we would make it."
The feeling was mutual. Anya's friendship meant a great deal to me. She was like a younger sister. She and a new professor's wife with a couple of boys Josh and Zach's ages and a "Johnny-come-lately" daughter made up my new inner friendship circle.
#
Faith thought about what Aaron had said about Kyra having a piece of his heart. It was obvious from Mama's journal that the piece of her heart that belonged to Anya held vivid memories. Up until this point all of the stories Mama had included were about family.
"I wonder why she spent so much time telling about Anya?" Faith thought. "And if she was so important to her, why didn't she keep in touch with her? It's a long way to Montana, but when you love someone like family, don't you keep in touch?"
Faith thought about her closest friends. Already her high school friends were pretty much out of her life. The ones she'd made in college had scattered. She was still in contact, but how long would that last?
She shrugged. Maybe there was no mystery here. Time and distance had simply intervened. Maybe they had exchanged Christmas cards in the first years after her parents moved, but life came between them.
With a sigh, Faith thought, "All relationships take work."