While I felt assured that David could help me learn to give an inspirational address, his initial advice notwithstanding, my ability to give a speech was not my biggest concern.
"You realize that if I agree to speak, it will mean traveling," I said. "Who would take care of the boys?"
"You don't think I know how to parent?"
"Of course you do, but you have to teach."
"I'm sure I can find a sitter for the hour or so between the time school gets out and I get home. Tell them yes, Sydney. We'll work it out."
And so I became an inspirational speaker. I told stories from my life and added the spiritual implication. After the first conference, other invitations came. I soon had more offers than I could handle. David and I agreed that I would accept only one opportunity a month, unless the offer was local and didn't require an overnight commitment. The days of despondency seemed only a dream. My life was full.
Despite the fact that I was enjoying my success as a speaker and writer, by December I found that I was tiring easily. I assumed that with the Christmas season underway, I was stretching myself too thin. David noticed my fatigue.
On Christmas morning, I found a new stocking hanging on the mantle. A beautiful, green-velvet stocking with my name embroidered on it hung next to the boys' stockings. When I reached inside, I took out a box of chocolate covered cherries, my favorite. Smiling, I opened the box to taste the delicious treat. Inside, lying on top of the brown paper covering the cherries was a card with the familiar rose in the middle and love in its roots. A more mature face stared back from the center of the rose. For some reason tears welled up in my eyes as I softly caressed the exquisitely drawn picture. As my fingers moved to open the card, I felt David's hand on mine. Looking up, I found my husband knelling on the floor in front of me.
I asked you to spend a lifetime, darling,
In times of good or ill.
You have kept your promise,
And are beside me still.
I asked you to spend a lifetime, darling,
Loving me faithful and true.
You loyally stood beside me,
When it meant biding friends adieu.
I asked you to spend a lifetime, darling,
And now it is fourteen years later.
Never could I have imagined
That our love could grow so much greater.
"I love you, Syd," he concluded. "Now open your card."
Inside I found the poem and a folded note. " In the summer, your morning attire is often blue. Search hard enough and you'll find another clue."
David put together a treasure hunt for me. In my summer bathrobe pocket, I found the second clue. At the end of the hunt, I found a brochure for a bed and breakfast in Alberta, Canada. Inside was a note. "My mother is coming to spend a week with the boys. You and I will drive to the bed and breakfast for a long overdue couple's retreat."
With a squeal of delight, I threw my arms around David's neck.
"You hide your romantic streak well," I said.
"I hide it from everyone but you," he answered.
He kissed me.
"I'm sorry if I take for granted everything you give up for me, Syd."
"You give as much as you take," I answered.
#
Faith took out the card that was tucked in the journal. The face that she remembered from her early childhood stared out from the front. She reread the lines her father had penned. Her parents' love had lasted long beyond the 14 years. It probably would still be flourishing if they hadn't both died.
"I want the chance to let love grow," Faith thought. "But do I want it enough to work at keeping it alive like they did?"
#
The bed and breakfast was near the mountains. There was a hot tub in the back yard. For the first time I experienced sitting in a heated tub while snow fell. David and I slept in every morning. We had a sumptuous breakfast and then went exploring. We went sledding. We went to the ski hills and drank tea while we watched the graceful skiers glide down the slopes. We drove to Lake Louise and enjoyed the ice sculptures and skated on the frozen lake.
When we returned, I should have been rested, but I wasn't. I started spotting. I became scared. A cousin had died of cervical cancer, while another was recovering from uterine cancer. They both had abnormal periods and spotting before being diagnosed. I made an appointment with the doctor. After a thorough examination and a series of tests, the doctor made an appointment for me to return in a week. When I walked into his office, I was relieved to see that he was smiling. I sat down on the edge of my chair.
"Well, Mrs. Lander," he said. "I have a diagnosis, and I'm pleased to tell you that your problem is easy to fix."
"Am I anemic?" I asked, the relief evident in my voice.
"Yes, you are, but that is a symptom, not your problem. In nine months, your anemia will be a thing of the past. You're pregnant, Mrs. Lander."
Dumbfounded, I just sat there. Then I burst into tears.
"That's impossible," I sobbed. "David had a vasectomy six years ago."
"Didn't the doctor tell you that some vasectomies fail, even years after the surgery."
"Yes, but I can't be pregnant."
"Why not? You're not having an affair are you?"
"What? An affair? Of course not."
"Then you shouldn't be afraid to tell your husband that you're pregnant."
"I'm not afraid, doctor. I just wasn't expecting this. It's not what we planned. It's not a good time."
"It's early. You could abort."
"I would never abort."
"In that case, I'll give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins with extra iron and see you in a month."
#
That was a relief. Faith suddenly realized that ever since Zach hung up, in the back of her mind she'd been wondering if her mother had tried to abort her. Maybe that was one of the family secrets he'd hinted at. Her mother hadn't even entertained the idea of an abortion. Had her Daddy suggested one? She quickly returned to the journal.
#
I took the prescription and left the doctor's office. I drove aimlessly around Billings. Finally I found my way to the top of the rim and sat at lookout point, where the kids went to make out. I leaned against the steering wheel in my gradually cooling car and sobbed. I pounded the seat and cried out, "Why God? Why is this happening? Everything is going so well. David has a challenging job. With the boys in school, I have time to write. My writing and speaking career is taking off. I am enjoying the youth at the church. I don't need another child. I don't."
Silence followed my tirade. I felt that my words were trapped inside my car. I rolled down the window and hollered, "Can you hear me now?"
Finally, I drove home.
David had a meeting that evening. After I put the boys to bed, I went into the garage and found his golf clubs. I selected a wood. I sat in the living room until I heard his car pull into the garage. When he opened the door into the house, I stood facing him. I took a practice swing with the club.
"Whoa, Syd, you almost hit me," he exclaimed. "What are you doing, anyway?"
"Practicing my swing."
"Why are you practicing your golf swing in the middle of the winter when the course is snowed under?"
"Bend over and grab your ankles."
"What?"
I grabbed his free hand and placed it on my belly.
"Meet O.P."
"Oppie?"
"Little Miss One Percent."
David's briefcase thudded to the floor.
"Are you trying to tell me you're pregnant?"
"When was the last time you had your sperm count checked?"
He had the grace to look embarrassed.
"When I went for my 3-month follow-up visit after the surgery."
"So you have not had even one annual checkup since your vasectomy?"
"No."
I leaned the golf club against the wall and turned and walked away.
"Syd, wait, Syd."
He came after me, caught me by the shoulders, and turned me towards him. My face was wet with tears. He pulled me to his chest.
"It's going to be okay," he said.
"You can say that. It's not your life that will be put on hold."
He pulled me into his lap and rocked me like a baby. I curled up against his chest and wept. Once the emotion subsided, we talked about what a baby would mean for me, for us, and for the family. By the time we went to bed, I was reconciled to the addition, but I wasn't happy. And I still resented the new life growing inside of me. David agreed that we didn't have to share our news with the boys or anyone else until I was ready and could at least pretend happiness.
Obviously, in hindsight, our retreat to Alberta was providential. God made sure we found our lost connection before I discovered the pregnancy. God knew our marriage was off course and needed revitalization if I was to handle my pregnancy with any kind of grace. Even with the strengthened bonds, I struggled with my condition.
#
"So that's what Daddy was referring to when he called me O.P.," Faith murmured. "He always said it stood for Our Princess."
Faith felt a bit unsettled after reading about her mother's disquiet over her conception. She knew that both of her parents loved her; there was no doubt in her mind. Still, to read that your mother cried when she found out she was going to have you was disconcerting.
The first time that she remembered Daddy calling her O.P. came to mind. They were at Disney World standing in line outside 'It's a Small World.'
"Why did we decide to do Disney World in August?" Mama asked. "The heat is overbearing, the lines are ridiculous, the boys are old enough that they run off and do their own thing, and Faith is too young to remember it."
"I'm four," Faith piped up. "I remember lots."
"Sure you do, O.P.," Daddy said. "Sometimes Mama gets out of sorts for a little while."
"My name is not O.P. It's Faith."
Daddy rustled her hair.
"I know, sweetheart. O.P. means Our Princess. We're at Disney World. Every girl should be a princess at Disney World."
Mama laughed, rolled her eyes, and said, "You're not ever going to let me live that down, are you?"
"Live what down?" Faith asked.
"Giving me a princess for our 15th anniversary," Daddy said.
"Was I the princess?"
"You were, Babe," Mama said. "You were born on our 15th anniversary. You were supposed to be born three weeks earlier, but you decided to make your appearance late."
"You were at a fancy restaurant when I kicked a hole in the bag in your stomach," Faith said, repeating the oft-told story. "You left a mess for the waiter to clean up."
"She has a habit of leaving messes," Daddy said and laughed. "Josh kicked a hole in his bag while Mama was taking a test. Zach decided to tear his bag while we were at the top of the Ferris wheel. The mess dripped on those below us while I tried to get the attendant to bring us down so we could get off."
Smiling at the memory, Faith realized that Daddy had used a code of sorts to remind Mama that the situation was not necessarily as bad as she thought.
"He used O.P. to cheer you up and get you to stop complaining," Faith said out loud. She picked up a picture of her laughing parents that sat on the round barrel table at the end of the swing. It was the same picture she'd put on the back of the original journal. "He had your number, didn't he, Mama?"
"Who are you talking to?" Aaron asked as he pulled open the door to the sun room.
Faith looked up in surprise.
"Mama. I know it sounds crazy, but I've been reading her journal. It's so real, like she's here. Sometimes the journal triggers a memory, and I find myself sharing it with her," she ended, a trifle embarrassed. "What are you doing here?"
"Lunch," Aaron offered, holding aloft a bag. "My homemade chicken salad with apples and walnuts, fresh croissants, raspberry DaSani, and Dove chocolates."
"You know the way to this woman's heart. How did you know I was here?"
"I called Josh to remind him to go in for his tux measurement. He said, 'You mean the wedding is back on?' I told him it was never off. He asked me, 'Are you and Faith on the same page?' When I told him I thought so, he said for you to call him with the reminder. When I told him you weren't answering your phone, he told me you were here."
Faith slapped her hand over her mouth.
"Oh, my gosh. I plugged the phone in on the way over here and left it in the car."
"Leave it there."
"How am I supposed to call Josh?"
"Later. You can call him after I've gone back to work."
"Okay. I'll go wash up."
Remembering Mama's hat collection, Faith detoured and donned a glittering gold beret. She lounged against the kitchen counter and said in her most sultry voice, "Does the chef charge a fortune in gold?"
"Only if it's glittering on the head of a pretty girl who's flirting with him."
"I'm not flirting."
"Oui, mademoiselle."
They ate. They talked.
"I've gotta run. Lunch is over for me," Aaron said reluctantly.
Faith got up. Stepping up to Aaron, she took his hand and kissed his palm.
"Thank you."
He groaned.
"Are you out of Hersheys yet?"
She laughed.
"Soon."
With a sigh, he turned towards the door.
"Wait."
He swiveled back and raised his eyebrows.
She slid her arms around his neck. Standing on tiptoe, she offered her lips.
"I left them at home. I might need one for the road."
His kiss was soft and gentle.
Faith hummed as she went back to sorting through her mother's things. By the time she got home, she was tried but happy.