Savannah
Savannah Paul always had a problem with figuring out what was too much and when it was too much.
Layla wasn't any help to that factor.
Here's another line of coke, here's another shot, here's another pill, here's another and another take more, Savannah.
That sentences echoed in Sav's head over the weekend but she didn't think anything of them. If Layla was destroying her than Savannah wanted it; She wanted to feel numb.
Blissful was a word that often rang true when it came to Savannah's mood and even more so when she was high and drunk and snorting lines of coke in the girl's bathroom during 6th period with Layla. Layla the blackmailer and witch.
She held Emma's death over her head like a looming disgrace, never gone, the guilt never gone; only when Savannah listened to Layla's smooth voice to shove down more pills and vodka. It crossed her mind that maybe Layla was just trying to kill her the same way Emma had died but Layla always stopped her before it was too much. It was only enough to rot her body and brain but not enough to let her die. She started to wish it was.
Day after day, weekend after weekend, Savannah was pulling her insides apart and handing them over to Layla to control. Every inch of her body was aching unless she was snorting something or drinking something. It go to the point where she couldn't survive a day without some sort of substance. Then it crossed Sav's mind that maybe that was the plan; get her addicted.
She didn't worry about it, she stopped worrying about Layla and just listened to what she said, like a tiny devil on her shoulder urging her on to take the last bits of herself that were good and fill them with things that were toxic to her core. She always thought an angel would be there too but Anna wasn't, she was with Nick and the concept of being told to stop faded away just like Savannah's mind.
On Monday, after another weekend of slowly ruining herself Savannah looked in the mirror. Her dark hair was astray, the dark circles under her eyes heavier than her bones and the glimmer that was always on her cheeks seemed to have vanished. The skin on her body seemed to pale, not as brown or smooth anymore and her hands seemed to shake at every turn.
She put a black dress on, paired it with her sneakers and vowed not to worry. She went to her bed and stood on it, unscrewing the secret vent that still, Layla knew nothing about. Savannah could hear the water running in the shower so she knew she her secret was safe for now.
After pulling a tiny bag of white powder out, quickly snorting it into her nostrils with a rolled up 100 dollar bill, she hid it again. Looking back in the mirror she thought she looked rejuvenated. On top of the world and falling off of it at the same time.
Savannah didn't bother waiting for Layla and went to class, focusing on the work ahead. After several classes she started to feel the sinking feeling of smooshing open, losing all her will to actually do any work. Her hands started to shake again.
History class, the one with Anna came quickly and she slides into her seat, nervously tapping her knee. Would Anna even know she was itching for drugs? There was no way she was able to go back to her dorm in time to get them.
Anna waltzed into class, ripped jeans that fit her snugly that most likely belonged to Eileen and one of her own t-shirts that was a faded grey and had a hole in the sleeve. She wore several necklaces that hugged her throat and her brown hair was pulled up, swaying slightly.
"Hey!" She greets Savannah with ease and sits down, turning to look at her. Her smile vanishes placed with a look of concern. "Sav?"
"What?" Savannah snaps, not meaning too just as the bell makes it melodic sound to signal the start of class.
"When was the last time you slept?" Anna reaches to touch Savannah's forehead with the the back of her palm and she swats her hand away. A hurt look flashes across her face. "Savannah, if something was wrong you would tell me, right? Or Nick?"
"Like you guys care," She laces it with ice and Anna looks like Savannah had slapped her cold.
Mr. Kinkel starts talking and Anna snaps her head to the front of the class, back straight but heart crumbling.
Savannah feels like she's falling and not the good kind, her stomach turns and the vision around her eyes feels dark. A plop sounds makes her blink. She looks down and sees a single drop of blood seep into the pages of her notebook. She reaches up and touches the bottom of her nose, feeling blood drip down.
She doesn't say anything, her seat screeches as she stands up, covering her nose and ignoring Mr. Kinkel calling out her name as she rushes to the bathroom.
Her sneakers squeak as she enters the tiled floored bathroom and she grabs a paper towel, wiping the blood from her face. She pauses at the mirror. The world tilts.
"Savannah?"
Anna enters the bathroom, looking worried and Savannah quickly wipes the remaining blood from underneath her nose and tosses the paper towel into the trash.
"I'm fine," She tries to shove past Anna but she pushes her back. Sav clenches her jaw, anger pulling at her. "Let me go." Anna's grip tightens on her arms.
"No, not until you tell me what's going on," She's looking right into Savannah's eyes and she can't handle it so Sav pushes her back, wrenching free. They both stumble.
"What the fuck is wrong, Savannah? You have to talk to me or talk to Nick at least, we're worried," Anna's voice breaks on the word Nick and Savannah shamefully looks down, guilt running it's course throughout her. "Talk to me."
"Just leave me alone, Anna!" Savannah shouts, putting her hands on her head as if she crush the memories out if she squeezes hard enough.
"No," Anna says, gently and Savannah's heart breaks. She looks up at the other girl; an angel in the form of a petite girl with a smile that brings up the sun everyday.
The anger at Layla shoves at Savannah and she wants to scream, she wants to tell the angel everything and how much she feels guilty and that Layla is her puppet master and she is merely a puppet. It's shouting inside of her head and before she can stop the movements she makes a fist and slams it into the mirror. The shatter feels like her heart and the pain in her knuckles buries the guilt and the anger for just a startling moment and then it's there again, bright as the blood pouring from her knuckles.
"Savannah!" Anna rushes forward and turns on the sink water, shoving savannah's hands under the facet and she matches the water because suddenly her eyes are pooling with liquid and she's crying not just because of the pain in her hand but the pain in her chest too.
"It's Layla," Savannah sobs and Anna turns the water off, reaching for a paper towel. She stares at the other girl with patience and dabs at the blood, taking her time with it and showing Savannah to take her time with what she has to say.
"Layla knows something, something bad about me," Savannah tries to breathe but it gets caught in her throat. She keeps talking anyway watching Anna hold her wrist as she pauses over the bloody knuckles with her nimble fingers. "Blake had a sister named Emma and she was my best friend and she died," Every word gets harder and harder to get out as Savannah's tears start dripping down her cheeks. She ignores them. "It's my fault and Layla knows it. I-I-I'm the one that killed her. I didn't m-mean too but Layla's going to tell everyone that I did it and I-I can't stop it from happening."
"Savannah," Anna says, her voice gentle.
"I don't know what to do-do, I can't, I can't, I-i can't breathe," Savannah can barely talk and she sinks to the floor, only held up by Anna as they fall to the cold tile. Anna holds her head and the sobs echo around the room and the two girls sit as one of them falls to pieces just like the shattered mirror.
Anna
After Breakdown In The Bathroom Extravaganza I opted to take Savannah back to her dorm. I made sure she fell asleep and then went back to class, explaining she was sick with the flu. I kept her bag with me throughout the rest of classes and finally at the end of the day, I fast walked to Nick's last classroom which thankfully was close by.
I quite literally slam into him and he gently grabs my arm, looking down at me.
"Woah, slow down there gorgeous," He's chewing gum and I can smell the mint coming off his mouth.
"I need to talk to you," I say, shifting Savannah's backpack higher up on my shoulder. He glances at it.
"Isn't that Sav's?"
"Yes, that's who I need to talk to you about," without another sound from Nick I grab his hand and push us into the nearest classroom that's empty. I drop my bag and Savannah's down as Nick closes the door and as soon as it's closed I fling myself at him, standing on my toes and hugging him tightly. He smells like cinnamon and gum.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He places a gentle hand on my back and another on my cheek. I didn't realize I had started crying and I lean back down, Nick wipes one of the tears away with his thumb. The gesture makes me love him even more.
"Savannah's really bad right now Nick," I tell him, fiddling with the collar of his sweater, avoiding his eyes. "She told me something and it's not, it's not good, Nicholas."
I finally look up at him and he has a look of focus and concern on his face. His thumb rubs gentle circles on my cheek.
"What'd she tell you?" He asks.
"She told me about someone named Emma," As soon as her name is out of my mouth his face changes and his hand falls from my face. I'm suddenly colder than I was before. His mouth gapes open.
"You know about Emma?" Nick doesn't back up, but he stops touching me completely and I want to shiver.
"Did you know her?"
"I-I, yeah I knew her," He roughly runs a hand through his hair. The way he says her makes it sound like he's talking about a whole galaxy that sadly got lost inside a black hole and I feel a pang of what I think is jealousy. jealousy towards a dead girl.
"How well did you know her, Nick?" I try not to sound bitter but it comes out that way like I already resent Emma because Nick cared about her. I taste pennies in my mouth.
"Not well," He shakes his head and I know he's lying to me because he looks down. I don't know why he is, I don't know why he would but I accept that he doesn't want to tell me. I already accepted that he hadn't told me anything about his 'dark' past that seemed to cloud over him and now it had started to cloud over me as well. Maybe that's why his past was in the past; secrets were meant to keep.
"Okay," I say. Nick stares at me like he knows that I know he's lying but he accepts it just the same as I just did.
There's a pause between us, the longest one we've had and in that moment there's an alvalchane falling and I don't know who's buried underneath it and who made it out alive.
"Layla knows," I say, breaking through the snow of silence.
"She knows what?" Nick asks, voice laced with anxiety.
"Savannah had something to do with her death," I say it like he already knows but then he looks stunned and suddenly I realize that I hadn't broken through any snow I just dragged him down with me and now we're both suffocating underneath it.
"She didn't," Nick's voice sounds far off and he backs away from me. I'm trying to dig us out of the snow.
"I thought you knew, I thought Savannah would have told you," I step forward and he steps away. He's getting buried. "Nick, I'm so sorry but we have to do something because Layla's holding it over her head."
"Did she kill her?"
"No," I shake my head and he breathes a sigh of relief. "I don't think she saved her either."
"What are you saying? What did Savannah tell you?" He starts pacing.
"She said it was her fault but blame is reflective, Nick," I tell him.
"What does Layla know?" He stops pacing, turns and faces me.
"More than me," I say.
He pauses. "You're not going to leave this alone are you?"
"If you think I would Layla do this to Sav than you don't know me at all," I let a hint of anger slip into it and Nick nods agreeing with me.
"Miles," He says.
"What about him?"
"He's Layla's little minion lately," Nick waves his hand. "She might have told him."
"Are you sure he would tell us anything even if he knew?"
"Oh, I'll make him tell us," Nick says and he looks like he's ready for war.
"I'm not losing you too," I snap at him. He blinks in surprise at me. "If you do anything that could get you kicked out I am never speaking to you again. I need you too much."
Nick steps forward and grabs my hand, kissing the knuckles gently. "I promise. I'm with you, whenever you need me."
I stand on my toes and place a kiss on his cheek, pausing as my lips touch his skin. He presses his forehead to mine and we linger for a minute. We're both out of the snow and in the real world again and if there's another avalanche I know I'll be there to pull him out. I'm just scared he'll won't do the same for me.
I break apart from him and he gives me a smile that seems to be more for him than for me.
"Let's talk to Miles," I say.
"We should, uh, check the common room first," He says and does that thing where he rubs the tip of his nose with his fingers.
I nod and grab mine and Savannah's bags before linking my fingers through Nick's. He gives my hand a squeeze. We make our way out into the hall and down the flights of stairs and into the section of the building that holds the common room.
It's bustling as usual and I look around the room for Miles. He's leaning on the pool table, Eileen chatting happily to him as Dawn plays pool with Ashton. Layla isn't in sight and I nudge Nick with my hand, he looks at me and follows my gaze, spotting Miles as well.
I unlink my hand from his and go to Eileen's side, dropping the two backpacks I'm carrying at the corner of the pool table. Miles glances at them and I sling an arm on Eileen's shoulder, leaning on her small frame.
"Hey there, pal," I say and Eileen looks at me weirdly. Nick finally catches up and stands with his hands in his pockets.
"What do you want?" Miles plays that smirk up.
"Where's Layla?" I snap.
"Bit obvious, Anna Banana," Nick mumbles next to me.
I stare daggers at him. Eileen notices and she quickly detaches herself from me and joins Ashton's and Dawn's game of pool. Dawn glances at me.
"Seriously, what do you two want?" Miles stands up and starts walking and I follow him, Nick behind us.
"I want to talk to you about something, Miles fucking Calaway," I put as much venom into it as possible. I follow Miles out into the hall.
"Wow, maybe relax a tad if you want me to do you in favor," He says and I scoff.
"The last thing I want, Miles, is a stupid favor."
We make it outside and Miles finally turns and faces us. I cross my arms over my chest and he glances at Nick as if Nick is my personal bodyguard. He might as will be right now.
"What is it?" He rolls his eyes.
"I want to know why you're attached at Layla's hip and I want to know why you guys are inflicting mental anguish on Savannah," I say.
Miles' smirk fades. "I don't know anything about that, okay? Layla is doing whatever she's doing and it's not my job to stop her."
"I don't believe that for even a second, Calaway," Nick steps in standing next to me.
"Well, believe it, alright? Quit sticking your noses in other people's private business or else you two are going to have quite a mess on your hands," Miles says.
"Are you threatening us?" Nick's voice is gravelly.
"If I have to be," Miles steps forward. "Or maybe I'm warning you."
There's a pause and I carefully watch Miles. He could be warning us to protect us from Layla's wrath and that's when i consider something. Miles only does what he wants and as far as doing favors for other people they either had to offer him something or not try at all. So, what if there wasn't any trading of favors? What if Layla was doing the same thing to Miles that she was doing to Savannah? And from the way Lance was acting lately it's possible he was also under her thumb.
It felt far fetched but as I looked at Miles I saw how tired he looked. Maybe he was stuck with following Layla around because he was busy protecting his own secret.
"Okay, we'll back off," I say.
"What?" Nick and Miles both say in shock.
"I'm saying whatever you're doing Miles, we don't blame you," I try to tell him indirectly I'm suspecting that he's being blackmailed by Layla and his reaction sets my suspicion to the truth. He nods subtly, stepping back from a confused Nick.
"Be careful, lovebirds," Miles says, definitely treating that sentence as a warning and with that he strolls off back into the castle like building.
"What the hell, did I miss something? You were pissed one second and the next you just let him waltz off?" Nick says.
"Layla has something on him, Nick," I tell him. "I think she has something on Lance too, did you notice how much he wanted us to shut up trash talking about her yesterday? He always bitches about her."
I see the puzzles fitting into the pieces in Nick's head and he sighs heavily. "So, I guess the next question is how many people is she blackmailing and why?"
"I have no idea but I'd like to find out before she gets a hold of anybody else in her evil clutches," I sigh.
"Maybe we should drop this, Anna," Nick says, worried.
"No," I shake my head. "I want to know what happened with Emma and I want to know what Layla is up too."
"Please, Anna, just leave it alone, for now at least?"
"Okay, I'll leave it alone."
I'm lying.
***
The next day, a wednesday, I am determined to talk to Blake. Emma was his sister and if anyone knew much about her it was going to be him.
Or maybe I was just trying to find out about her and Nick and how close they had actually been.
I knew I would be opening an already gaping wound but I needed to know, it was a like a wound of my own and I needed to pour salt inside of it.
It was hard to talk in private at meals and even harder in the busy hallways. So, I opted to drag him into the nearest mop closet the first chance I got.
He seems annoyed at first and then surprised after I roughly grab his arm and pull him into the dimly lit space.
Blake is about a foot taller than me and wears a grey t-shirt that hugs his arms tightly paired with dark jeans and black shoes. His hair's a mess of sandy blonde curls and he's got dark circles underneath his eyes that I can see clearly in the small space.
The only source of lit is a faded light bulb and the closet it smells like cologne mixed with cleaning products that make the floors shimmer and the windows shine.
"Little weird, Anna," Blake says, adjusting the leather messenger bag that's across his chest. He clings onto the strap, large hands enclosing around it.
"I know but it's important," My voice is hushed but the noise from out in the hall would be enough to conceal us until the bell rings, once again emptying the vast hallways.
"What?" He looks annoyed again.
"I need you to tell me about Emma," I rip the band-aid off quickly. Maybe a little too quick because blake looks like I just slapped him in his hard sculpted face.
"How do you even know about her?" He growls and I'm more afraid he'll run out on me, leaving me in the dark more than I'm scared of him.
"Savannah."
He pales for a moment, swallows, looks down and then let's his arms fall to his sides. He sighs heavily and looks up at me. "Did she tell you everything?"
"I mean," I shrug. "Not everything. She told me about her death and how she thinks she had something to do with it."
"She did," I barely hear him.
"Do you blame her?"
"No," He gently shakes his head and gives me an amused smile, it's more of a grimace. "I already came to terms with the fact that it was an accident. I don't blame Sav for anything."
I take a pause. "I know this might make me a huge asshole and I'm sorry but how did she die?"
"It was at a party at our beach house over the summer," He leans back into the wall, a broom stands next to his tall figure. "We were all drinking. She convinced some of us to go swimming and next thing I remember she slipped, bashed her head on the edge of the pool and fell in. We grabbed her body and pulled her out, god, there was so much blood, we couldn't do anything," He voice cracks. "Everyone bailed except Nick. We stayed until the ambulance showed but at that point there wasn't anything we could too."
"Blake," I reach for his hand and he lets me take it. "I am so sorry."
"Me too," He gives my hand a squeeze.
We don't say anything and I feel like we're in a dark tunnel that smells like a dead girl and rust with our hands clasped so tightly together there's sweat brimming on my palm. The bell rings loudly, bringing us both back into the real world and my hand jumps away at the noise.
Blake stands up straighter and rubs the back of his neck. "Why are you asking me about all this?"
"I don't want to worry you," I tell him, getting ready to walk out the door but he stops me with a small gesture of his arm in front of my body.
"No, tell me. I have a right to know."
"Layla knows how Emma died, Blake," I put my hand on the doorknob and his arm falls back to his side. I stare at a paint splatter on the door. "She's blaming Savannah for her death."
"Jesus christ, is there anything that girl doesn't know?"
I turn back around and face him, crossing my arms. I have more than one nagging feeling in my stomach and since we're here I decide to help put my mind at ease or rather the opposite if the answers aren't what I want to hear.
"What does that mean?"
"Nevermind, we're done here, I told you what you need to know, good luck with Layla," He tries to leave and I block the door with my body despite being much smaller than him. His cologne smells like sandalwood. "Anna." Blake shuts his eyes like he's frustrated.
"I need all the ammo I can get so either you tell me or I find out from someone else," It was a lie because i wasn't sure what Blake was hiding or who i would find it out from if not Layla herself.
"Nick has his hands full with you doesn't he?" He raises a humorous eyebrow and I push my back on the door, giving him my best, 'I am not moving even though you could pick me up and move me' Look. "Layla's blackmailing Miles and Lance."
"I already figured that out," I say.
"You're ahead of the curve there," He jokes and I give him a stern look. I know he's cracking jokes now because a minute ago I saw him almost cry in a mop closet. I don't blame him so I drop the attitude.
"How close were Emma and Nick?"
He looks winded by my sudden change of pace and he blinks at me in surprise. "Sav, Nick and Emma were a package deal. So, yeah they were close."
I swallow, with what feels like nails lodged in my throat. I'm jealous of a dead girl. I'm flooded with guilt. I feel bad for Blake, for Savannah and even for Miles and Lance but I don't feel bad for Emma. A tiny part of me is glad she's gone.
I detach from the door and throw my arms around Blake he stumbles at the sudden hug but then returns the gesture with ease, putting his hands comfortingly on my back. It doesn't last very long and I step back, waving him out of the room and we left some things unsaid but finished our conversation with the hug.
He steps out of the closet and as soon as he's gone I feel tears stream down my cheeks, knowing I need to fall apart.
I sink the floor, my heart heavier than I've ever felt it and I let myself shatter.