"I'm scared Jessie."
The honest truth. That's what it is.Fear...of rejection. I'm a ticking time bomb. I can go off any minute now.
What does someone I don't even remember, see in me? You know what I see? I see a girl who's suffering...stifling in a world of pain. I'm breathing but I'm not alive. I'm watching but I can't see. I'm trying...so hard but I haven't taken the first step yet. I'm ruined. Why can't James see that?
"You shouldn't be. Your a great person, James is a great person. I'm so excited for you both."
I look up from my coffee mug to meet a grinning Jes. I haven't seen her so happy before. She's glowing and I can't help but feel good inside.
"If you say so. Anyways, while we're here can you tell me some things about him? If you don't mind... Maybe even a memory."
"Of course, of course. Get comfortable."
I watch her as she positions herself on the couch. I can't lie, I'm a little excited.
"So it was a beautiful spring afternoon. You were about 8 and James was 9. Your parents and his were out on a road trip so they left me in charge of you two and I couldn't be any happier. I was sitting on the porch while you guys were running around in the garden playing tag. After a while I heard screaming and I rushed over to find you on the ground holding your knee and James right beside you, trying his best to comfort you."
She let out a little laugh. I mean I'm crazy and all, but who laughs at a 8 year old in pain?
"I asked you what was wrong and you know what you said? You fell out of a tree! You had a little scratch on your knee but overall you were fine."
"And what is the point of this Jessie? To tell me how stupid I was? Okay, I get it."
"Shut up, I'm not done. The point is what James told you afterwards. You were complaining about being psycho and stupid for climbing the tree in the first place and James said..."
She stopped and wiped away a tear. This must be good.
"He said that no matter how stupid and psycho you are, he'll always be your best friend and he'll always love you. Even if you don't call for him, he'll always come running back to you, his Rosalyn."
I don't know how to react to that. I want to smile with her and talk about the 'good old times' but I can't. I'm so disappointed in myself.
"That was beautiful Jes. Thank You."
I gave her a hug and went back to my coffee. A disgusted taste lingered on my tongue. I can actually taste the hatred I have for myself.
"Oh my Goodness."
I jumped, almost spilling the hot liquid over myself before turning to Jessie. "What's wrong?"
"James is coming over today."
Just Great.