I woke up in the morning feeling like complete and total elephant shit. My head ached, and my nose was all stuffy. I sat up in bed and coughed a couple of times, which made my throat burn and my head throb. Just my luck that I would get sick from dancing in the rain. I bet Colby is as energetic as ever. Looking around the room, I decided it was way too bright for me. The sunlight was hurting my eyes. I dragged myself out of bed and walked over to the French doors that led to my balcony, closing the thin sheer curtains. They were really translucent and didn't make too much of a difference, but I figured it was better than nothing. I was too lazy to close the matching curtains on the window located on the other side of my bad, so I just climbed back into the soft, heavenly abyss I called a mattress and rested my sore head on the foam pillows. What in the world am I gonna do today? Do I even have the energy to do anything? What time is it?
I glanced over to my digital clock on my nightstand and saw that it was already two o'clock in the afternoon. Well hot damn! Usually Bradleigh would've woke me up by now! Where is she? She better not be off having fun without me! I noticed that there was a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin on the nightstand. Under the glass was a small purple index card. On it was a note from Susan. It read: Hey there kiddo (: I went to run a few errands out of town. I wanted to ask if you would have liked to come along, but I noticed that you have a bit of a fever. I left you some aspirin. Don't overdose on it, you hear me? Just kidding. I know you wouldn't do that. Well take care of yourself while I'm gone and get better kay?
Wow. So I was left alone while I'm sick. That's just great. Totally spiffy. After wallowing in my silent aloneness, I noticed a small yellow index card on the nightstand too. What is with this family and colored index cards? This time the note was from Bradleigh. It read: Howdy! Sorry but me and Leah went to the amusement park. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come but Mom said that you're sick. Get better soon! And let us know if you start getting really bad flashbacks again, okay? We'll come right back home if that happens. You shouldn't have to go through that by yourself.
I smiled slightly at the thought that they would come rushing back if I needed them. I knew I would, but I also knew that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to spoil their fun. It just wouldn't be right. No, I would just have to deal with this on my own.
Maybe I won't even have that many flashbacks, I thought.
Deep down inside I knew that was a lie. Without Bradleigh and Leah to distract me, my memories would have free reign to take over. Anything and everything would remind me of home, and I could do nothing to fight off the onslaught of mental attacks. The truth was that I needed Bradleigh and Leah. I needed them to keep me sane. Without them, I would be stuck in my misery and memories with no way out. Over the past few days, I had realized that somewhere inside me there was a deep feeling of remorse. I almost constantly feel this intense dread inside of me. I couldn't quite place where the feelings stemmed from, but I figured they must come from the mess of memories I was unable to unlock. I also realized that I didn't want to face those memories or those feelings on my own. I wasn't sure when I began to depend on them, but Bradleigh and Leah were beginning to feel more and more like a family to me. Even Susan, who I barely interacted with (I suspected she wanted to give me my space) showed her love in the little things like making cappuccinos and writing me little notes. With them gone, it would feel like being separated from my family all over again, and the flashbacks would be forced upon me. I would just have to suck it up and brace myself for the pain I was bound to feel. Every memory I relived was stronger and more vivid, almost to the point where they physically hurt. At most, I would get a dizzy feeling after a flashback and I would feel nausea, but without any distractions I was afraid the pain would be much worse.
In an attempt to escape all of my negative thoughts, I decided to spend the day the same way I would if I was sick back home: by lounging around the house and doing pretty much nothing productive. It would be a complete lazy day.
"Today I don't feel like doing anything! I just wanna lay in my bed. Don't feel like pickin' up my phone, so leave a message at the tone. Today I swear I'm not doing anything. Nothing at all!" I belted the Lazy Song by Bruno Mars at the top of my lungs.
I hopped out of bed and started dancing. I soon realized that footsie pajamas slip really easily on wood floors. "EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'!" I yelled out. I started shuffling around the room. I cringed when I realized that I was being pulled into a flashback. Before I was completely overwhelmed, I had time for one last sarcastic thought: Well damn. My brain didn't waste any time with those flashbacks now did it?
***************
I stood outside near the rundown basketball hoop on my small gravel road I lived on. I had been doing my AP Physics homework when I heard the rhythmic dribbling of a ball. I rushed outside when I noticed that it was my best friend, Bridgette, and her older brother, Stanley. We decided to play horse. Being the goofballs that we were, each move usually consisted of jumping around or dancing, because we were just weird like that. It was actually pretty amusing, but after a while of running out of ideas, we just sort of stood around awkwardly.
Of course I had to break the awkwardness with a little dose of what I like to call: Anjie's Randomocity.
"EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'!" I yelled in a low voice.
The three of us simultaneously started shuffling in our own way. It was so perfect. It looked like it was planned. Like a flash mob or something. I loved it. I loved how coordinated we were.
***************
I stumbled back a few steps as I was thrown out of my own memory. Luckily that one was really short and it wasn't as vivid as they usually were, so I was only left with acute nausea. Nothing I couldn't handle. Eh... It could've been a lot worse. It was then that I realized that I had been thinking of my repressed memories as those that had to do with my parents' divorce. Apparently I was missing a whole portion of my life. Everything I had lived and experienced during the time that I was dealing with all of my family problems was also gone. The thought was incredibly unsettling.
I attempted to shrug it off and plopped down on my bed again. I sighed, unsure of how I should occupy my time. I settled for surfing on the internet. Shortly after opening up google chrome and checking all my usual websites, I found myself on youtube watching random videos of cats doing funny things. I was sucked into the deep dark whole called the internet, and I immerged hours later. I figured it was time for a break from the computer screen, so the logical thing to do was watch some television, right? I put on some random flick on Lifetime and laid back.
I was completely relaxed until some noisy neighbor decided to do some lawn work. The annoying sounds of their obnoxious weed whacker really didn't help my headache. I tried to ignore it but a rock hit my window and I flipped.
"Watch where the fuck you're weed whacking you douche bag!" I screamed, even though I knew they wouldn't be able to hear me. Damn neighbors. I freaking hate weed whackers. Nothing but trouble. Once again, my mind was triggered by something trivial, and I was sucked into a flashback. This one was a lot more vivid than the last one.
***************
I sighed and wiped away the moisture that was accumulating on my forehead. I readjusted my protective goggles and shielded my eyes from the bright sunlight. The heat was scorching, and I wanted nothing more than to go inside and collapse on the carpet for a few hours. I decided that I might as well just get it over with.
I started up the weed whacker and continued to eat away at the pesky weeds that made my gravel driveway look like a freaking jungle.
Why in the world am I doing this? I thought. Dad should be doing it. I'm a girl. I shouldn't have to do this shit. I don't care how sexist that sounds. It's just the way I feel. There are some things that a guy should be doing, and gross yard work is one of them. Maybe if he wasn't busy locking himself in his room with a bottle of scotch, I wouldn't be stuck out here slaving away.
I chopped down the weeds with frustration. It was way too hot outside, and I hadn't eaten anything all day. Plus I didn't have dinner the night before. This couldn't be good for me, especially with my anemia and all. I was light headed, and I felt like I was about to pass out. Goddamned weeds.I continued my bitter grumbling until the blade of the weed whacker lodged itself under a big rock and sent it flying straight into my bare shin. I let go of the trigger with a loud curse. I dropped the weed whacker, and it stuttered to a stop. I clutched to my throbbing shin in pain. That was sure to bruise.
Why is it that every time I'm near a weed whacker, I end up getting hit with a rock?! I mentally exclaimed.
That reminded me of the time I got hit with a rock on the way to French class.
*Flash back within a flash back*
I pushed open the glass double doors that led to the outdoor eating area of my high school. I smiled as I felt the warm spring sunshine cascading down on me. I weaved my way through picnic benches and started down the grassy hill to the trailer my French class was held in. A maintenance man was weed whacking right on my path to class. My steps faltered as I saw the random man wielding the death machine. I sighed as I got to the wooden porch of the trailer. I mistakenly felt like I was safe from the weed whacker. While I was standing there, the weed whacker hit a loose rock and it went flying. What are the odds that it would land directly on my head, of all places. I mentally let out a slew of curses at the maintenance man and his deadly contraption. I knew that all those angry thoughts and curse words weren't really necessary but I was pissed. That rock really hurt, and of course I would be the one to get hit on the head. Just my luck.
***************
Holy hell! What the fuck was that?! That was like flash back inception!
I clutched my throbbing head and let in a sharp breath. This time I knew the throbbing wasn't because of the fever. This was because my brain pretty much attacked itself. I swear I could feel the rocks all over again, and it was anything but pleasant.
I checked the clock and noticed that over an hour had passed since the flash back started. I didn't really know how that was possible. The flash back only felt like it took about twenty minutes tops. I also noticed that a new movie was playing. I checked the title and saw that it was some movie called "Never Been Kissed". I'd never seen it before, but I guessed it was about some socially awkward middle-aged adult who couldn't find a date to save her life. Damn, did I know how it felt to be tragically single without actually wanting to be. I'd only had one boyfriend before. It was some guy my cousin introduced me to over the phone. All I knew was his first name. I had no idea what he looked like or anything about him. Needless to say, I never really thought of him as a boyfriend. Technically, I've never had a boyfriend before. It was pathetic really.
Wallowing in self-pity, I thought back to the movie title. Never been kissed? If only I were so lucky. I barely had a chance to finish that thought when I was hurdled into a flashback as crippling and vivid as the last.
***************
I stood awkwardly in the middle of his dark bedroom. The only light was coming from the small white lava lamp in the opposite corner of the room. His shadowy figure loomed over me. I couldn't see his features too well, so I had no idea what his expression was. His friend stood off to the side behind him, smiling. I took a deep breath and gulped slightly. I couldn't get rid of the nerves. What in the world was I thinking?!
"You know you don't have to this if you don't want to," He said. There was an underlying hint of an emotion that I couldn't quite recognize. I felt like there was a double meaning to his words-like he was willing me to say yes.
"I know. I want to," I lied. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I felt like I couldn't say no. I felt like I was unable to. I felt as if I had to do this, and the thoughts scared me. What would my father think? He thought I was at an innocent sleep over. What would he say if he knew what I was really doing? I knew the truth though. He didn't care. He wasn't gonna spare an extra thought on me. I was just a reminder of the wife he couldn't hold on to. He was probably just glad I was gone.
"Are you sure?" He asked me, interrupting my thoughts. Once again, there was something about his tone that I didn't like. It felt wrong to me.
"Yes." My insides were screaming no. My instincts yelled at me to get out of there. But I couldn't leave. I just couldn't. I had no choice but to stay and deal with it. I stayed completely still as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. Yep, this feels all wrong. But there's no turning back now.
***************
I lurched out of the memory, panting. I could feel beads of sweat on my forehead. That was a memory that I didn't particularly like. I wished I could take everything back. I wish I had never uncovered that memory. Better yet, I wished that I could go back and change my actions. What would everyone think of me if they knew what I'd done? No, that was definitely a secret that would stay a secret. No one would ever find out about what happened that night. Thank god I got out of that flashback when I did. I don't know if I could handle any more of that.
I held a palm to my chest and waited for my heartbeat to calm. I definitely needed a distraction. It seemed like I couldn't escape those damned flashbacks. When I checked the time I noticed that it was around 5 o'clock. I had been in that flashback for at least another hour. Jeez. What would be next? I decided to pass the time by watching Paranormal Activity 2. I absolutely loved the Paranormal Activity movies. I knew that horror movies made me paranoid, but I didn't care. It was a thrill, and it was always entertaining. That's exactly what I needed in that moment. I had barely gotten into the first ten minutes of the movie before I was reliving another memory. I could feel it coming on slowly this time. It was like the world around me was fading and shifting into one I had seen in my past. I struggled and fought against my mind, trying to prevent the flashback from happening. Against all of my efforts, I was once again thrust into my past.
***************
I grabbed my bag, said bye to my cats, and walked out the front door. I made sure to lock the door before turning back to Bridgette and Stanley. I was staying the night at their house, so they came with me to gather up my things. It was really dark outside, and we only had one dim flashlight to light our paths. Tonight, Bridgette and I were especially paranoid, so the woods around my house weren't exactly comforting. The wind rustled through the leaves, and I could hear dogs barking in the distance. It was just like any other night, but tonight it felt more intimidating.
"Alrighty then. Let's go," I said, anxious to get to the safety of their house. I adjusted the strap on my duffel bag and we began walking up the cement steps connected to my uphill driveway. No one had their front lights on, so the street was dark and the trees loomed over us eerily. Every noise made me jump. I heard the sound of a twig breaking.
"Oh my god what was that?!" I shrieked. We all glanced at each other uneasily before breaking out into a full sprint towards Bridgette's house.
For some reason this flashback was different. For one thing, I was fully aware that I was in a flashback. I could change my actions. We should've been to Bridgette's house by now-she only lived two houses away-but for some reason I stopped running. Bridgette and Stanley kept running, probably because they were still just a memory. They entered Bridgette's house, laughing like they should've been while I just stood on the gravel side street.
I started running after them before they disappeared into the house without me, but the world around me was replaced with total darkness. I felt the sensation that I was falling. This was accompanied by sharp pains on my sides and knees. This was definitely different than the original memory. I didn't know what was going on, but the pain didn't continue for too long. It ended in a few seconds with a sharp knock to my head before I fell into a deep, black nothingness.
***************
I could feel someone shaking my body, and I could hear a familiar voice calling my name. For some reason, I couldn't seem to open my eyes. My eyelids felt like weights, much too heavy for me to lift. It was like all the energy had escaped my body. I just laid there in an uncomfortable position-every part of my body throbbing. I felt disoriented. All I was aware of was that I had just come out of a flashback. One that was completely wrong, and twice as horrifying. I also knew that instead of coming out of the flashback, I laid in a dark nothingness. I was unsure how long I had been there, but I knew I never wanted to return. It was awful. I couldn't explain the sensation. It was freezing, but it was scorching. It was pitch-black, but I could tell there was nothing around for me to see anyways. I couldn't tell if I was sitting or standing. I felt weightless, but heavy at the same time. I felt terrified, but I felt at peace. Everything contradicted itself. Nothing was right.
Whoever was calling my name was becoming more frantic. I couldn't put a name to the voice, but I knew I should be able to. It took all I had to open my eyes. The light burned, but it was nothing compared to the throbbing of every single bone in my body. I locked eyes with familiar blue eyes that constantly twinkled.
"C-col...by...?" I managed to stutter, with all the energy I had left. I just wanted to close my eyes and rest forever, to never feel anything ever again. It was all too much to bear.
"Sshh.. I'm here," Colby reassured. He picked me up bridal style and carried me up the stairs. That was when I realized that I had been lying at the bottom of the staircase, my body all contorted into an awkward position. Colby laid me gently onto my bed and then sat next to me. His eyes were full of concern and hurt, but I couldn't understand why he was the one who was hurting.
"What happened to you Blazian?" He whispered, as if he was afraid to hear the answer.
"I really don't know," I whimpered.
"I found you at the bottom of the stairs. You were just lying there, trembling. I need to know what happened to you so that I can help you. I need you to remember. Please." The tone of his voice and the look on his face made my heart clench. He looked so desperate. I wanted to do anything to make that look go away. I never wanted to see him look like that again.
I racked my brain for what happened. The one memory that I actually wanted was the one that I couldn't find. My eyes filled with tears threatening to spill over. I guess my brain decided to give me a break because I could suddenly remember what had happened. When I was running in the flashback, I was also running in real life. I ran all the way down the hallway and fell down the stairs. Those sharp pains I had felt must have been my body hitting each step. When I got to the bottom, my head crashed against the floor and I passed out into that black abyss. But how could I tell Colby that I was having flashbacks? How could I explain that I was just a crazy depressed girl that missed the feeling of having a family? How could I explain that once I finally felt like I had a family here, I'd completely cracked? I couldn't stand to think of the look of pity that would color his face.
Realizing that I didn't have an answer to his pleading, Colby decided on a different route. "Why were you alone?" He questioned.
"Everyone had places to be. I couldn't go because I got sick from the rain."
"Why didn't you call me? I would've kept you company."
I shook my head. "I couldn't do that to you. You have a life, and it doesn't revolve around caring for me while I'm sick."
"But it's my fault you were sick in the first place."
I shook my head again. "I don't blame you. It's not your fault. And besides, it's not like you could've prevented me from falling down the stairs." I laughed without humor.
He peered at me from under his thick lashes. "So that's what happened?"
I nodded my head.
"But why were you trembling like you were afraid of something? How did you even fall? What were you doing?"
I stayed silent.
"Why?" he insisted.
"I-I can't. I'm sorry, but I just can't tell you." Now it was his turn to be silent. I felt guilty. He probably thought I didn't trust him. That wasn't it, really. I just didn't want him to think of me differently, and I honestly couldn't even bring myself to talk about it anymore. I just wanted it all to go away.
"Why won't you tell me?!" He bursted out before controlling his emotions again.
"Why does it matter?" I whispered.
"Because you're my Blazian, and I love you. I want you to be safe and healthy because I care about you. I just want to know that everything is okay."
His words made me smile. I couldn't help it. Colby just made me feel so loved. We fell into a silence, neither one of us daring to say a word in fear of ruining the moment.
After a few minutes I just had to say something. It was absolutely necessary. "Colby?" He looked at me to listen to what I had to say. "Thank you." I was thanking him for everything in just those two words. I could tell he knew what I meant. Without saying a word, he pulled me into a tight embrace. I was still lying down, so I had to rest my head on his chest while he laid his chin on my head. It was comfortable and warm, and it all felt so right. The familiar feeling of family returned, but this time there was no pain to accompany it. In that moment, I didn't regret leaving everyone behind because Colby more than made up for it. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but it didn't really matter. I could tell we both needed it. Colby needed to know that I still cared and wasn't just keeping things from him for no reason, and I needed to know that everything was okay. And I did know that now. I could see that I would be able to get through this. I had people here who cared about me, and that's all that mattered. I was able to forget about everyone else in Maryland, if only for a little while.
After laying like that for god knows how long, I decided that I needed to actually do something. Colby and I played video games, watched movies, and just enjoyed each other's company. After a few hours, we were laying on my bed listening to music on my phone. It was about one o'clock in the morning, but I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want the night to end. It all felt too perfect to give up. Colby was slowly becoming one of my best friends, and I wanted to enjoy the warm feeling of it for as long as I could before I got used to the thought and the warmth went away.
Come on Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners started playing and Colby sat up quickly.
"This is our song!" He yelled excitedly.
I raised an eyebrow at him. What the hell is he talking about?
"Remember that one day on the beach when we first met? We were walking and Come on Eileen popped into your head randomly, and I declared it our song!"
I remembered perfectly well now. It felt like that was just yesterday. I was happy to know that I could think of the memory without being sucked in. I was getting better. I was so relieved. I could finally start living my new life normally. I grinned and sang along until I was too tired to do anything but tap my fingers to the beat. We were both exhausted and passed out before the song had ended. That night I dreamt of absolutely nothing, a welcome change. It was much better than my usual nightmare/memories. This was like the ice pack to soothe my pain. Colby was my ice pack.