Niall’s POV
It’s been a while since I have really communicated with Harry. I do miss him. A Lot. More than I thought I would. But I couldn’t wait for him forever. It’s not fair for me to put my heart out there and not have the feelings returned because he can’t seem to get over his last boyfriend.
I’ve kept myself busy. James and I formed a quick friendship and became close. A week or so after the English paper was completed he admitted that he had feelings for me and asked me out on a date. I agreed. I mean after all, I deserve happiness and I do have a fun time with James. He’s a good guy.
He took me to dinner and a movie. We had fun. We have some things in common. I really enjoyed my evening but I knew that I didn’t feel the same for James as I did for Harry. It was easy with Harry. I didn’t have to try to build up feelings for him, like I am doing with James. My feelings for Harry were there from the moment I looked into those beautiful green eyes and the first time he smiled at me I knew that was it. I knew Harry was the one for me.
I am really trying with James. We have been on a few dates now and I do really like the guy and I am trying to convince myself that I have more feelings for him than I do. Feelings more than friendship but it’s a constant battle between my head and my heart. My heart wants Harry. My head tells me that Harry can’t give me what I need right now so I should try to make it work with James.
I have also recently heard that Josh finally won Harry back. I’m not sure if they are boyfriends again but I do know that they have been dating. That killed me when I heard that information. Why did he stop fighting for me? Maybe he saw the way I was always with James. I know that when the English project began he started to slip away. And I guess I gave up too. I can’t put all the blame on him.
On the plus side, I have become great friends with Harry’s best mates, Liam, Louis and Zayn. They are all really great guys. They still tell me to this day that Harry will realize the idiotic choice he made and will try to win me back. I should trust what they say since they have known him his whole life basically, but a part of me really feels that I have lost him forever.
The boys told me yesterday that they were going up to Harry’s family cabin for a week. They said that while there they will try to knock some sense into him. They don’t particularly like Josh and I guess I can’t blame them. He did after all really hurt their best friend. I really hope they enjoy their time there. I hope Harry has a great time as well and yeah, I still have hope that he will come back to me. But will I be ready to give him a chance?
I have been going to open mic nights every Saturday. I haven’t missed one in a long time. I am writing more and more new material. All the feelings and emotions really lend themselves to making some great songs. I found that I can write more freely and with a clear head at my secret bridge. It’s so peaceful there and I am finding myself going there a lot more frequently.
Tonight I have another date with James. We are going out to eat and maybe a movie, not one hundred percent sure yet. Although my thoughts are usually filled with Harry, I think I might try to make an honest effort with James tonight. We still haven’t had a first kiss yet. I can’t bring myself to. He has attempted on several occasions. A part of me wants to kiss him to form that bond with him and hopefully a kiss will ignite some more feelings for him. On the other hand I am afraid that if I kiss him, I will be reminded how amazing kissing Harry was and that James’ kisses will never compare.
I am lying on my bed ready for my date. Thoughts of what Harry is up to now are running wildly through my head. I hear the door bell. I adjust my clothing, run my fingers through my hair to give it a fresh tousled look and make my way to the front door.
“Hey James” I greet him.
“Hey, Ni. “ he states and kisses my cheek. “You ready to go?”
“Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket.”
We make our way to the restaurant and once there the hostess sets us in a booth. Once seated, I began to hear an annoyingly cheesy couple in the booth behind me. They are making baby talk and smooching noises. I roll my eyes and notice that James chuckles at my reaction to them.
“Hopefully they don’t continue that all night.” I say.
“Oh, I think it’s kind of sweet, Ni.”
“Blah.” I say. I am really more annoyed with the fact that I don’t have anyone to be that lovey with. I just gotta let it go and enjoy James’ company.
James and I are enjoying our meal. Talking about random things when I hear the girl in the booth behind me tell her date that she needs to go to the ladies room. I smile because I know that I will have at least a couple minute break from their annoying lovey talk.
The annoying guy’s phone rings and his date is still in the bathroom so he answers. My attention is immediately taken away from James when I hear the guy say “Harry, love. How are you?”
I finally recognize the voice now that it’s not all baby gushy cutesy talk. It’s Josh.
“So, Babe” Josh continues, “How’s the trip?”
I obviously can’t hear Harry’s replies but I get the jist of what is going on.
“That’s great, love. I’m glad you are having a good time with the boys.” He says and I roll my eyes and feel anger swell in me when he refers to Harry as Babe or Love.
“What am I up to?” he must have repeated Harry’s question.
“Ummm,” he starts as he is trying to come up with a lie. “Nothing much. Just up in my room studying.”
I can’t believe he is lying to Harry and is on a date with someone else. Harry needs to know but I know it will hurt him so much. I am in a dilemma right now.
I notice that his date is on her way back from the bathroom.
“Hey love, my mom is calling me. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I miss you.” He says and then hangs up the phone just as his date is a few feet away.
“Who was on the phone, babe” she asks Josh.
“umm, my mom.” He replies
So he is lying to that girl as well. What a horrible person.
I look at James to see if he was aware of the whole situation and I don’t think he even noticed my attention was somewhere else.
Our check came and James insisted he pay. While he was waiting for his change, I excused myself to the restroom. Not because I needed to use it but because I would be able to take a picture of Josh and that girl walking back from the bathroom without being noticed. And that is exactly what I did. Not that I would show Harry. I haven’t decided that yet, but at least I had proof. Lucky for me the picture that I got showed his face perfectly as he was leaning down and placing kisses on her bare shoulder and his arms were wrapped tightly around her waist.
James pulled up in front of my home and walked me to the door. Even after everything that I am feeling, I took a chance and invited him in. He accepted the invitation.
We sat on the couch and I brought us each a cup of tea.
“Niall” he beagn. “I hope you know that I really like you and I have enjoyed hanging out with you the past couple of months.”
“I like you too, James.”
This was it. He was leaning in for the kiss. Should I or shouldn’t I? Why does this have to be so confusing? Whatever, I thought. The only way I am going to know if I can have any deeper feelings for James is to kiss him, so I began to meet him half way.
It was a nice kiss. I did like it. But, it wasn’t like kissing Harry. Not is the slightest. I broke away from the kiss and we smiled at each other. Then it dawned on me. I am doing kinda the same thing to James as Harry did to me. James has told me on numerous occasions that he wants to be in a relationship with me but I haven’t accepted because of my feelings for another guy. I can’t allow him to wait around for me while I wait around for Harry. That’s when I know that I have to tell James my honest feelings.
“James” I say. “I really have enjoyed spending time with you and it was a really nice kiss but I can’t give you what you want.”
His smile began to drop and I continued.
“That kiss, while good, made me realize that I still really want to be with Harry. And I don’t want to lead you on believing that my feelings for you are any more than friendship.”
He sighed and then began to speak. “I can’t say that I’m not disappointed, Ni. Yes, I do really like you and I was hoping that this could turn into something more, but I really appreciate you being honest with me. I still would like to be friends. You are a really great guy.”
“Thank you for being so understanding James.” I said and gave him a hug.
I walked him to the door. He gave me another small kiss on the lips which I gladly returned and we said our goodnights. I headed back up to my room, grabbed my guitar and started playing random chords. I knew that I couldn’t lead James on and that I just wanted to be his friend. I still have feelings for Harry but I am still not sure if I am ready to try to fight for him again. I guess we will see what happens once winter break is over and we all return to classes in a couple weeks.