I am always the last place.
In fourth grade, I decided to join the track and field club out of pure interest but after a few tries, the coach told me I am not up for the team because I always get the last place. Pure determination and effort won't get me to anything, nor would it get me accounted for.
In fifth grade, I worked my resolve to be the first in rank in my class after finally getting into the advance class. I study until the sun doesn't smile, and rarely did I eat. My grandmother scolded me for it and I should've obeyed her. At the recognition rites, I found out that I am last in my class. A total failure.
When I was five, my parents decided to part ways. I have asked them, "Why are you leaving me?" Apparently, I am just their last choice—their last retort. I am an illegitimate child whose parents choose their second families. I was left with my grandmother, who also chose me the last against her vegetable fields.
And just five years ago, my boyfriend broke up with me because I am last. He prioritizes his career more than me, and that I am the last retort for inspiration. The person...who have promised me that I will always be his first eventually made me his last.
I fidget in discomfort as I was left behind my styling team because they want to see the young and fresh Kang Seungyoon. Gathering up all the courage and esteem I have left, I say, "So, how's everything?"
"Great." He naturally says, pushing his soft red hair away from his face. "I heard you are dating Kim Soohyun."
There it is again: Kim Soohyun. The boy-next-door kind of man who can sweep you off with his stoic, beautiful face. Regrettably, he's still not mine. We still don't have commitments. As if I ever had them.
I smile, trying to be compose and natural with his rebut. "Fine. I heard you're with Kiko."
He laughs, scratching his cheek with his index finger. There is something in his eyes, as they always has been. It shines like it holds the universe, and Jiyong looks appalling as before. The four years we spent dating is something I am proud of. Because at least I hold a long record of his life.
I look at the other side when he turns to look at me. "Yeah. Things are going fine with me. You're going to film a drama right? What's it is about?"
"Well," I start, trying to sound casual. But I ended up speaking formally. "We're going to shoot 2 days and 1 night. You're at Running Man right?"
"It has been a while." He sighs. We're still together when they filmed it.
Come on, Dara! Wake up. He's your ex-boyfriend!
The styling team returns with devilish faces, and I think they did this on purpose. With a heavy sigh, I stand up from my seat and speak without looking at him, "Then good luck. I think I need to take some fresh air outside."
~
I punch the pole too quickly, my eyebrows forming a deep v in between but my hands still feel as cold as ever. My nervousness is still as its peak.
"Noona, what are you doing?"
I turn to look up and see Seungyoon in his military outfit, which is the same as mine. We're here to make cameos as we promote our new web drama, something I am eagerly want to work on since before. Seungyoon has his hands inside his pockets with stream coming out of his nose and mouth as if he's part bull. The remark makes me laugh inwardly.
"Just taking out nervousness." I answer plainly, massaging my wrists. I grin up at him. "Why? Are you starting to feel worried about your Noona?"
He shrugs. "I just saw GD Hyung from the dressing room. Seems like he just talked to you."
I glare at him. "If you knew the answer, why ask?"
"I am just testing if my ability to see auras are still the same. Taehyun has been strange these days and I can't read him." He sighs in disbelief then looks me with squinted eyes. "Oh yeah, Kim Soohyun sunbae wants to talk to you. He made me deliver the message."
I snarl. "So underhanded and sly, Seungyoon."
"Noona fighting!" He answers, pumping up his fist with masked joy. "Fighting!"
I leave him and walk towards the place I know Kim Soohyun will be waiting, my legs shaking oddly.
I hide behind a wall as I quietly watch Kim Soohyun wait sitting on the chair he pulled out himself. His mushroom-cut hair accentuates the cuteness he has, together with the flat eyebrows and blank look. He is not a day any older than 3 with this kind of concept.
I tiptoe and silently stand behind him. "What is it?" I say, my voice low.
He jerks slightly, showing that he's startled. "What is this?" He asks, gaping at me. "You should have talked beforehand."
"Sorry." I pout, taking the empty space beside him. We're still not dating. Moreover, it feels like we're just seeing each other out. It's as if we're trying out a few samples in the supermarket. The greatest one makes us buy the product in the end. But for now, Kim Soohyun is like a sample that I can't get enough of. I take him little by little.
"I'm sorry that we have to film near where Running Man is." He says, apologetically. When I turn to look at his face, I can almost see the regret.
I smile a little, and whisper, "What's wrong with you? It's not your fault. And besides, this is just work."
He sighs and buries his face on his hands. "I just feel like I am going to lose again, you know?"
"I'm sorry." I suddenly mutter out of guilt, my heart constricting. "I-I shouldn't have gone out with you. It hurts you more than it hurts me. You know, we should stop--"
"No." He cuts me off, sighing. "I promised that I will show you right?"
And that's a sentence I can never answer. Soohyun's words had put me into place. No matter what happens, it comes down to his promise. Truthfully, he's really from the star. No matter when and where, he's always there. Like a star that's there whether it may day or night. Just because you don't see it, it's not there. And Soohyun is that star. He's really Do Minjoon.
~
I groan in annoyance at the PD, but he's really happy with his plan. Seungyoon sighs and says, "I'll just find you then, Noona."
"Warehouses are the most suspicious things, you understand that?" I tell him, playfully slapping his back. We are assigned our own cameramen, and then are told to disperse. Even if it's a filming for a drama, the director can get so much into this thing.
The PD made a game, to test the trust between the team. He made the girls hide, and the boys to seek. But not just simple hide, because this is a 24-hectare place that's filled with buildings and trees.
I walk a little further and turn around to talk to the camera. With eyes wide, I say, "Where did he go?"
Seemingly, the cameraman didn't follow me all throughout and has gone halfway. I blink twice, sigh and continue walking. Well, at least I have Seungyoon's word that he'd find me.
"So where will I--"
"Aaahhh!"
"Ouch." I mutter when my bottom hits the hard ground. Looking up, I estimate that I fall 6 to 7 feet from above. Moving in the ridiculously small space, which is just fit for a person to stand, I find that I have broken my right ankle and my left elbow, and hit my back too hard that it hurts. There are gashes on my face and arms, which is normal if you fall. Besides that, nothing serious like a bullet wound.
"Help!" I shout but it falters as soon as it reaches above, going into a whisper. I don't have my phone with me either because it's not needed in the broadcast.
Looking up, all I see are stars.
Stars.
I close my eyes and hope. Stars. They are always there.
Suddenly, I feel like I'm being brought up through my underarms and there is a lot of groans against my ear. Soohyun?
I open my eyes deliberately and see a red mane instead of black, something I didn't expect.
"What are you doing?" I mutter as Jiyong starts to check on my wounds.
He sighs. "I'm checking your wounds. Did you have anything besides gashes and a few broken bones?"
I shake my head. "Nothing that I feel of."
But he still checks and I notice that he's still wearing the jersey for Running Man. Don't tell me he's currently filming.
"You should go back. You're filming." I tell him and try taking my hand off his grasp but the fall was too much and I didn't have the strength.
"I told you before, didn't I? I love my career." He says.
A red pang of anger surges through me. "That's why I told you--"
"But that doesn't mean you are coming last again. I just told you I don't want to part with music--Wait. What are my exact words again?" He looks me in the eye, his dark brown eyes staring at me as genuine as they always be. They still hold the universe, as if it's always full of stars. "You know, I really love my career. I really love composing. I don't want to part with it. That's what I said right? Did that sound a breakup to you?"
I hesitantly nod.
"So I should have added a, But I don't want to part with you more. Is that it?" He teases, moving his face closer to mine. I bite my lip, turning my face away from him.
"Your sense of belongingness surprises me, Dara." He says and I blush at the way he called my name--sweet and caring as if it's a fragile word. "Not everyone leaves you nor would everyone make you last. And I have always made you my first."
I know. I tried to say. CL has been telling me that you've been trying so hard to cover up our relationship, and that you always make sure I don't get any sensual projects. You made YG sangjanim promise. You made sure some of my fanboys are at their place--even after we broke up. All this time, all I see is your efforts and none of Soohyun and I hate myself for that. My biased eyes always betrays my heart, and I am so sad that I choose a star that as red as molten fury.
There are a couple of steps rushing towards us, and I see from Jiyong's behind Seungyoon, the PD, the cameraman and Soohyun.
Seungyoon sighs, placing his hands on his hips and says, "I thought that warehouse are the most suspicious things, Noona?"
Soohyun clenches his fist. "I-I am going to call an ambulance."
As Soohyun runs away, I hope that he's a star that will shine for someone fit for him--not me.
~
I had a dream.
It's my last race to prove I am fit for the track and field team. My time record has gone up ever since my last. It's the fastest for women.
I stretch my legs, cracking a few bones here and there. My joints feel oddly good, as if they are always correctly placed. I wonder why.
I get ready in my place. The coach shouts at me deliberately and I badly want him to accept me to the team. This is my last resort.
There was a gunshot and I run, as hard and fast my legs can bring me to. Surprisingly, I keep increasing my rank as I run but the scene changes and all I see is someone extending his hand out to me.
"Come on, let's run together."
I accept his hand and for the first time, I like being last.
"Sandara."
I open my eyes and see a pair of dark brown eyes staring down at me. He places a finger on his lips and says, "Your nephew is sleeping. I can't cook so I'm sorry I woke you up."
I smile and hastily give him a kiss on the lips. "Of course. We're getting ready after all for our little dragon."