DNA or deoxyribonucleic acid, is the hereditary material in humans and almost all other organisms. It is a self-replicating material which is present in nearly all living organisms as the main constituent of chromosomes. It is a molecule composed of two chains that coil around each other to form a double helix carrying genetic instructions for the development, functioning, growth and reproduction of all known organisms and many viruses.
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Terrence
I had a child with her. We had a son.
My whole world went crashing down on me as soon as those words left her lips. How could I do this to the woman I love and to our unborn child? Natawa ako nang pagak nang paulit ulit na rumehistro sa utak ko ang kaalamang nabuntis siya at nakunan, nagdusa siya nang mag-isa. Kahit man lang sana sa pagluluksa para sa anak namin nasamahan ko siya.
It was all my fault. She lost our baby because of all the heartaches I gave her. I don't know if she could ever forgive me. I couldn't even forgive myself for what I have done to her. All she ever did was love me but I paid her back with heartbreaks after heartbreaks.
I wanted to punch myself and bang my head into the wall. I wanted to feel the pain that she felt during that time, just to lessen the guilt that I was feeling at the moment. Kusang tumulo ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. I feel so guilty. Pakiramdam ko ako na ang pinakamasamang tao sa mundo dahil pinabayaan ko siya noong oras na kailangang kailangan niya ako. Nasa tabi ako ni Stacy noong mag-isa siyang nahihirapan sa pagbubuntis niya sa anak namin.
I was not there to give the foods she craved for. I was not there when she was in the hospital, bleeding and crying. I wasn't there to tell her that everything will be ok and I will always be with her.
How will I ever tell my mother that the grandchild she's long been dreaming of was lost because of his son's stupidity?
All I can do now is cry over my regrets and my wrong decisions. Baka sakaling namumuhay na kami nang masaya kasama ang anak namin. Dylan could have been my son, too. Even if he was An's son with another man, I would still love him the same way I would love the kids that shares the same DNA as mine if she takes me back.
I wish I can turn back time. I wish there was an undo button so I can relive the events and change the course of my life. I should have followed what my mother told meto run away with Anrie. But it's too late. She already has someone else at may anak pa.
She's mine. And I will have her back. And this time, I won't let go of her anymore. I feel sorry for whoever her husband is.
"Doc, ok ka lang?"
"Yeah. I will be."
"So it's true then. May chismis dito sa ospital that you and Doc K used to be lovers."
"She was my fiancee. She was my girlfriend back in med school. A lot of things happened and now... Here we are." I shrugged and sighed. Gusto ko siyang bumalik sa akin pero hindi ko alam kung paano pa niya maaatim na tignan ako kung ako ang dahilan ng pagkawala ng anak namin?
"Shit. Kayo pala yung dragon na yun. Astigin yun eh! Di ko maimagine doc!" At nagtawanan pa sila.
I threw my pen hitting dead center of his forehead. Despite the tears, I managed to laugh. "Sige tawa pa. Ibabagsak ko kayo sa assessment."
"Sorry naman. We're just trying to make you laugh. Too much information talaga ang narinig namin kanina. Sorry talaga doc, we weren't really eavesdropping. What are you gonna do now?"
"I don't know? Honestly, hindi ko alam. I wasn't there when she needed me. Hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad pa niya ako. I will try? Shit, I don't fucking know. I think I'm going crazy" I said smiling but my tears were flowing.
They just shook their heads and gave me a cup of coffee.
Now. What will I tell my mother when she sees me later?
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Anrie
"Ano na gagawin mo ngayon? Sinabi mo na so alam na niya. What are you planning to do next?"
"Wala akong plano. Hindi ko lang din talaga napigilan ang bunganga ko kaya sinabi ko na. Kilala mo naman ako." Iniumang ko ang sigarilyo sa bunganga ko pero hinablot naman niya ito at itinapon sa sahig saka tinapak-tapakan.
"Bitawan mo nga yan! Tigilan mo yan masasapak kita dyan!"
"Sorry. I'm just stressed. Look, can we just go somewhere and eat? Kailangan ko lang magdestress. And I need to see my therapist. Can you just schedule an appointment for me? Pretty please, Gabby?" I pleaded with matching puppy dog eyes.
She just rolled her eyes at me and flicked my forehead. "Tara na nga."
Minsan talaga hindi maintindihan ang buhay. But one thing's for sure, everything happens for a reason. There must be a reason why the people I love were taken from me. If there was a God then he is the vilest creature to ever exist.
But if he was real.... magmamakaawa ako sa lahat ng paraang alam ko para lang maibalik sila sa akin.
"Gab" I pulled on her coat as we passed by the open door of the chapel. Lumingon ako sa crucifix na nasa altar.
"Do you believe that there is really a higher power out there? I mean, do you really believe that there's someone up there, controlling everything that happens to you?"
"You mean GOD? Say the word, Anrie. GOD"
"Whatever floats your boat, I guess?"
"Sabihin na nating I am a woman of science but I am still a Catholic. I trust in the things that science can do and explain but there are things that science can't explain. Some things are out of our control and HE, is the only one who can change it." She pointed to the altar.
"Alam mo girl, sometimes you don't need an explanation. Mahirap kasi kung masyadong matalino gaya mo, lahat may reason. Sometimes you just need to have FAITH. FAITH that things will get better. FAITH, that there is someone bigger than you out there and that someone will help you through anything. You just need to PUSH."
"Push what?" I asked out of confusion.
"PUSH, pray until something happens". She smiled. Inakbayan niya ako at iginiya papunta sa emergency room, pabalik sa mga kasamahan naming doktor para sila naman ang makapag-break.
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Terrence
I came to the Philippines with the hope that I can have her back. I found here through a photo from one of her friends who was coincidentally, my colleague's girlfriend. I saw one of his photos with his girlfriend and there she was. I was so sure that time that she was still in New Jersey that I took up the offer to teach at Princeton. At the last minute, I asked the coordinator to change my assignment so I could be near her.
I really wanted to hire an investigator when she disappeared but my mother told me not to. She told me to set her free. Ako naman daw ang nanakit sa kanya kaya dapat raw na magdusa rin ako. I still remember the exact words she said...
"You did this to her. You imprisoned her in your lies. You caused her too much pain that she chose to let go. She got tired of hurting. If I only knew that you would push through with the marriage, uuwi agad ako dito para pigilan ka. How could you do this to Anrie? I can't believe you were my son. I thought I raised you well. If I could only disown you, I would."
She loved Anrie like her own daughter. Noon pa lang, nakikita na niya si Anrie as her daughter in law. Maybe because I am an only son kaya gustong gusto niyang nakikita si Anrie sa bahay. She was like a doting mother to my girlfriend and kept telling us to give her a grandchild. Poor little Anrie would just blush and hide her face behind my shoulder until she finally got the hang of it. She eventually adjusted to my mother's joke and would ride on with it.
"I thought the both of you weren't available today so I cancelled our lunch date. So you were both here, huh."
"Mom! Would you please stop! Nakakahiya!"
"Ngayon ka pa nahiya sa akin? Sabihin mo nga sakin Terrence kung magkakaapo na ba ako soon?"
"Mom! Quit it! Please!"
"Anyway. An, sorry ha because my son doesn't have the decency to take you out on a date today and instead kinulong ka sa bahay niya. Anyway, I was just here to check on my son kung anong pinagkakaabalahan niya at sabi niya busy siya making a report. I wasn't informed that he was doing a research on a certain someone. His shirt looks good on you, sweetheart. Try his favorite blue shirt next time... "
Tinulak ko na siya palabas ng pinto pagkatapos niyang ilapag ang take out na dala niya.
"Mom, you're embarassing me! We'll talk some other time. Can you just go?"
"Terrence anak! Bakit ba naman kasi ang hina mo! Matagal na kayo di ba! Just buy a pair of nice rings, bring her to the city hall and marry her! Bakit ba kasi ang bagal bagal mo ayan tuloy wala pa rin akong apo! If you don't marry her soon, your dad would make you marry someone else and I will never approve of anyone else except Anrie! Kapag hindi siya ang naging asawa mo, hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko sayo!"
"Mom! That's plan is already underway but let me do it at my own pace! Ugh mom stop being so annoying!"
That was so embarassing. I can't believe my mother had the audacity to say that. Oh well, hindi naman siya nagkakamali sa hinala niya. We were about to have another session before she came in unannounced. Sa oras na yun ko napagtanto, na siya na talaga ang gusto kong makasama. I wanted to make everything permanent. Having her in my house, coming home and seeing her cooking, going to work with her and driving the kids to school.
Kids. Kung di rin ako isa't kalahating gago, baka may dalawa na kaming anak.
My dad had an issue with her though. He was hell bent on having me marry someone who holds a higher status, someone who came from a family of doctors just like me. He's always been pushing Stacy and I, much to my annoyance. Once he found out that Stacy broke up with her boyfriend, he immediately set us up on dates. I didn't want to disappoint my dad but I didn't want to sacrifice my happiness either.
Hindi ko alam kung magiging thankful ako o hindi. I am happy that he no longer has a vice-like grip on my life. I regret following his orders. It was not his fault because it was my choice, in the end. Ako ang namiling sundin ang kagustuhan niya kahit may choice naman akong suwayin siya at lumayo na lang.
Even if he wasn't supportive, he's still my dad. I still wanted him to see me happy with the woman I chose for myself.
This time, I will choose An.
I took my phone and dialled my mother's number. Huminga ako nang malalim habang hinihintay na sumagot ang ina ko.
"Mom? Hi! How are you?"
"Great, thanks for asking. I was really surprised that you called. It's always the other way around, Terrence. I am always the one calling you." I could hear the amusement in her voice.
"Mom, she's here."
"So what are you waiting for? Why don't you make a move?" My mom has this challenging tone like she's pushing me to do her bidding but it was too obvious. Hanggang ngayon ramdam ko pa rin na disappointed siya sa akin kahit pa maayos na niya akong kinakausap.
"Mom, can you just come here for a few days? We need to talk about something important."
"Important? As important as getting my daughter in law back?" I can imagine her face now, with arms crossed on her chest and an eyebrow raised.
I could hear the laughter in her voice. She knew everything that happened between Anrie and I. She almost disowned me when she found out what I did. Keyword is almost. Now she will definitely disown me.
"Yes mom. Kung pwede lang, pumunta ka dito as soon as you can. I need backup. I need your help." I told her.
"Of course son. I'll just pack my things and book the earliest flight. I'll see you soon."
You're mine An, whether you like it or not. Babawiin kita. Kahit pa ayaw mo na sa akin, babawiin kita. Magpapahinga lang ako pero kahit kailan hindi ako bibitaw. I know I hurt you, that's why you hate me now. And I would swear to all the stars in the heavens to love you until all the pain is gone, until your love for me comes back.