Weight was applied to the side of the bed, depressing it. My eyes flew open and I turned my head ever so slightly to see Meilin sitting on the side of the bed. I hadn't heard him enter so I must've dozed off at some point. His expression was serious and his eyes were as dark as ever. He reached forward and brushed back my hair.
"I heard from Nikator and Thera that you're not feeling well."
"I-I—" I swallowed, the back of my eyes burning at the thought of him returning to battle against Keung. He hadn't even told me that he was leaving. Even though I wanted to cry, I held back my tears and stared at him evenly. "Tell me about the dagger."
He blinked back, his expression and eyes not giving away what he was thinking. "The dagger," he said, reaching for his waist and yanking his prized dragon dagger. He stared at it for a moment, dragging his finger over the flat of the blade before lowering it. "Why do you want to know about it?"
"You told me you would tell me one day."
"I did."
"I want to know why you care about it."
He sighed and stared at it for a moment before speaking. "Remember I told you that I fought off a dragon and made one of its fangs into this dagger?"
"Yes."
"That's true, that's what happened. It wasn't so much the fact that I defeated the dragon that I had the dagger made. It was . . . It was the first time in a long time that I felt . . . whole. When I met Bohai and Fang when I was seventeen, I was a broken, twisted, and lost person. If I hadn't met them, I probably wouldn't be here today. I've always been happy with them, of course, but I never truly felt complete. There was still something missing in me. When my mother died, I felt like there was something about me that I couldn't ever—"
He breathed out deeply and looked down at his hands, his expression hard to read. The darkness of the room was casting shadows on his face. "We all were camping outside near the border of the Da'al empire and Lebel at that time. The dragon had come out of nowhere and so we had to fight it. I was able to fight it because of my strength and thanks to that, no one was injured. I didn't really care about defeating it but . . . but Nikator had the biggest smile on his face and he was jumping around so excitedly when the dragon finally fell. He told me that he wanted to become as strong as me when he was older. Nikator, the same kid who told me he was nothing in this world, that he was worse than dirt, had some sort of vision of his future.
"Vita was smiling afterwards too. She said that she wanted to be with everyone forever. Minos told us about what had happened to him as a child and how men and women abused him. He was smiling, but he said that he was the happiest person in the world to have met me and the rest of everyone. Atreus said that he would stop thinking like he was still a slave and that he wanted to be together forever as well. Thera agreed and couldn't stop grinning, and I don't think Remus understood what was happening but he was happy too.
"It must've been because of the excitement of beating something so grand that they were all in high spirits. Everyone opened up so much more that night because of all the thrill. Bohai and Fang were cheerful and they were having fun with everyone and I realized that I wasn't lost anymore. For the first time since my mother left, I felt like I was whole. I felt like I wasn't lost anymore. I had somehow changed the lives of six kids that couldn't move on in life anymore. I felt . . . different. I don't really know how to explain it that well." He was quiet for a moment. "It must sound strange for me to be saying these sort of things."
"It's not strange."
He lifted the dagger and spun it around, the black blade gleaming in the dim light of the room. "We all have a dagger made from the fang of the dragon. Atreus, Nikator, Minos, Thera, Vita, Remus, Fang, Bohai, and I all have one. I suppose it symbolizes the moment we all truly came together as a family. I suppose it also symbolizes my gratitude to have met them all."
I pulled myself into a sitting position and placed my hand on top of his. We both stared down at our hands for a moment before I eased the dagger out of his hand and held onto it. I placed it on my lap, turning it and examining the black dragon curling around the hilt, the two ruby dots for eyes glowing in the light casting off from the candles. "I'll hold onto it like before," I said softly. If he was surprised, he didn't show it. "Until you get back," I managed to choke out. "I'll hold onto it."
"Daiyu . . . "
"Stay safe."
"I will."
"Don't leave me." Tears welled up in my eyes and I bunched my fists together, sniffling and trying to keep my voice steady. A droplet fell on the dagger, sliding down the black blade. I made no move to wipe my eyes as I looked at him. He was silent and expressionless, his dark eyes glimmering with determination. I could feel the heat of his excitement to run off to fight; it was thrumming off of him dangerously. He wanted to go and fight. "You must win."
"I've already won. All I need is his head."
"Meilin." I swallowed, reaching for his hand and holding onto it tightly. "Please come back home safe. I . . . I love you."
Time seemed to halt and he froze, his dark eyes widening at my words. I had never told him that I loved him but I knew with all my heart that what I felt towards him was love. He might've been shrouded in darkness and there was a part of him that was twisted, black, and evil, but there were other parts of him that were gentle and light. I had come to love every bit of him, no matter how dark or not he was.
"I will come back safe," he said after a moment, a smile gracing his lips.
A stretch of silence hung before us but neither of us made any move to speak. After a long moment, I finally spoke. "Jia is pregnant; Fang will have another child."
Meilin smiled. "So I've heard."
"Jia told Fang?"
"Yes. He was very happy." The corner of his lips lifted ever so slightly as he tipped his head back and stared off into the ceiling, lost in thought. "Becoming a father is very . . . interesting, I suppose. For me, I don't know if I can fully understand it."
"What do you mean?"
"I hated my father; he was cruel and he was vain. I sometimes wonder if that is fatherhood or if fatherhood is the way that Fang holds onto Kang."
"Meilin . . . "
"I told you that I would tell you about my childhood, didn't I?" He took the dagger from me and held onto it, examining the black blade before hooking it onto his waist.
"I didn't hate my father at first. When my mother told me that the emperor was my father, I was happy. I didn't understand why I didn't have a father, so finding out my father was such an important person made me feel happy. I was such an idiot to believe that." He stared down at his hands, his face obscured my shadows. "I was . . . five, I believe. My mother was a servant so naturally, I was as well. I asked my mom why she didn't live with father if he was still alive. Even to this day I can remember the saddened look on her face. She hugged me and told me that she was so happy that I was born but that she couldn't stand my father.
"From that day on, I didn't really care about him. I didn't know him and he ignored me. I didn't outright hate him, since he was still my father, but I couldn't bring myself to like him since I knew that my mother hated him. When I was six, I met my brother Yan for the first time. I had heard of him but I hadn't officially met him until then. I had served him his food and placed it in front of. I don't know how he knew that I was his brother, but he punched me. My mother was horrified and held onto me; she was shaking and crying. I think she was scared that Yan would do something to me. Or maybe she thought that my father would have me killed for my 'insolence'. I didn't really understand what was happening at the time; I was just a child, after all.
"My bond with my father has always been strained and I've wanted to kill him for the longest time. My biggest regret is not coming back to the Huo empire when I was younger and killing him. I should've killed him when I had the chance, but I decided to slip away from the empire at seventeen and never look back." He absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the front of his fringe. "When I think of fatherhood, I don't know what to think. My father was horrible, but when I see Fang, I can't help but wonder what would've happened if my father was like that."
"Loving your child is the first step to fatherhood. If you cannot do that, you are not a father. Your father was not qualified to be your father," I said, choosing my words carefully. "He is hardly a good enough model to compare real fathers with."
He stared at me for a moment before nodding. "I suppose your right."
"I—"
"Daiyu, I will come back safely. I promise that I will."
"I believe you."
"I want to tell you more about my childhood," he said. "I want you to know about me and my hatred."
I nodded.
"Yan hated me since I was born since I was the child of a servant. His mother was nobility while mine was not. He could never accept me as his brother. My father didn't care either, but when I was ten, he unexpectedly marked me with the MuRong royal family sigil. He accepted me as his son and that's when everything changed. No longer was I allowed to remain with my father; instead, I was moved into the royal family wing of the palace. I was forced to learn to read, write, learn how to fight—basically I was forced to become a royal prince.
"I hated Yan since he would beat me and slap my mother anytime he saw her. He was six years older than me and yet he acted like a child much younger than me. He was immature and conceited; he only cared about himself. He made me miserable. He would have me lashed, he would use me to practice his swordsmanship with, but he really just liked to use that time to whack me with the wooden sword. He would throw things at me. He would do all sorts of things. The worst part for me was that I wasn't able to be with my mother throughout the whole time. I barely saw her after that and I had to sneak around if I wanted to see her.
"The torture was far from tolerable. I hated him with all my being, and likewise, he hated me with every fiber of his being. When I was fourteen, I found out that my mother had fallen in love with a royal guard. They were keeping it a secret, of course." His gaze hardened considerably and he clenched his fists together, his lips thinning down into a firm line as he stared at the ground. "My mother wasn't his concubine, but he never liked it when someone touched his things. Yan found out and I begged him not to tell my father. He promised he wouldn't, but he told my father." He swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut, anger and frustration radiating off of him. "She was killed the next day. My father forced me to watch as she was executed."
I gasped, tears pricking the corner of my eyes. I stretched my hand out to comfort him but stopped, lowering my hand. Tears filled my eyes and I swiped at them. I couldn't even imagine the pain he must've went through when that happened. It was so twisted to have someone you love ripped away from you like that. Meilin had seen such horror at such a young age.
"Yan . . . Yan's treatment towards me progressively worsened. He burned my leg, but thankfully it wasn't too bad. If a passing guard hadn't noticed, I might've lost my leg. Yan also started cutting me with real weapons. I suppose he was jealous that the women of the palace talked about me. They were always talking about how my beauty grew as the years went on. I never cared for those things. In fact, I didn't care for anything. I was an angry, sad, and bitter shell of a boy I used to be. I hated Yan and I hated my father, but I was too weak to retaliate. I held no power. My beauty wasn't going to kill either of them.
"When I was seventeen, a merchant came to the royal palace with interesting merchandise. He was selling the remains of a dragon. My father bought the fangs, claws, and scales, but didn't want the dragon's blood. There was no use to it, he said. Yan, however, was interested and bought it. It is said that no one but one out of billions can survive the blood of a dragon. The only use the blood of a dragon—or any creature—has is for torture purposes. The victim will suffer excruciating pain for hours until their death. It's a gruesome way to kill someone."
I brought a hand to my mouth, my eyes widening. "Don't tell me—"
"He wanted to torture me." Meilin tugged at the collar of his shirt, revealing the thick white scar on his shoulder. I remembered him telling me that his brother had stabbed him there. "He stabbed me and poured the blood right there. I don't remember much after that since I was in so much pain. The pain . . . it was so intense and so—" His hands trembled and he had to tightly ball them into fists to stop them from shaking. "I wanted to die; the pain was so intense that I wished Yan would kill me already. I wanted to beg him to do so, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but scream in agony. I don't even remember half of what Yan was saying. I do remember him laughing, though.
"I eventually lost consciousness and was presumed dead. I was thrown aside and Yan ordered that I was sent away to the border of the Huo empire. He didn't want me to be buried within the empire; he wanted me dumped on the border of Kadios. He had my body dumped on a wagon and sent away. Apparently, while my body was being carted away, I was found by a group of bandits. They saw me and agreed that I was beautiful— too beautiful, in fact. They knew that they could get a lot of money for a beautiful corpse. My body was sold to a village near the border. I had been unconscious for five days. My 'unconsciousness', however, was hell." He dug his nails into his forearm, his gaze darkening by the second. "The pain was unbearable. My body might've been unconscious, but I remember everything. I felt everything. Even becoming unconscious didn't save me from the pain. In fact, it was even worse when I was unconscious. That pain was enough to break me.
"When I woke up, I was put on display at the center of the village. I couldn't stop screaming from the agonizing pain from the blood and before I knew it, someone nailed me onto a post. That pain was nothing in comparison to the blood." He rubbed at his wrists, where there were circular scars. "For another five days, I agonized in pain. Finally, the tenth day of my torture, my blood become completely fused with the dragon blood, and thus I gained the strength of a dragon.
"I ripped my wrists out of the nails and killed the first man I saw. I slaughtered the entire village. I don't remember any of their faces and I don't care, to be honest. I left that village and continued to the next village. I was twisted and broken and I wanted to kill everything. I killed anyone that touched me the wrong way, anyone who looked at me the wrong way, anyone who dared get in my way. Then I met Fang and Bohai. They brought me back to my senses and I wasn't so lost anymore. From then, I left the empire and we decided to travel."
I crawled over to where Meilin was sitting and held onto him tightly, tears running down my face. I buried my face on his shoulder and trembled like a leaf. I couldn't even begin to fathom the torment he had gone through at such a young age. I finally understood what my mother had said when she said that she saw hell in his eyes. He was a survivor, someone who wasn't scared to get hurt again.
"When I found out my father was dead, I was furious," he continued in a somewhat neutral voice. He rested a hand on my head. "I wanted to kill Yan, but he was the emperor. I didn't think I would be able to do anything since politics were involved. I ignored him and continued with my life. However, when I heard about Lu Hai and the rebellion, I knew it was my chance to kill him. Yan was a selfish and horrible emperor; he allowed our people to be sold off into slavery, he allowed prostitution of children, he allowed heavy taxes on poor people that could barely pay them off—he was an inept emperor. Even though I knew this, revenge was the only thing on my mind.
"He couldn't believe his eyes when I stormed the palace. I took him to another room and tortured him. I had already acknowledged the fact that I was a monster, so I didn't care about elegance. I burned his leg like he burned mine, I cut him like he cut me, I did all sorts of things to him. I finally killed him and told Hai to be the emperor. He refused and somehow, I was made the emperor. The rest, you should already know."
I cried onto him, unable to hold back the emotions inside of me. Everything about him was so raw and painful; he had gone through so much and yet he was still able to continue living. He wasn't broken and he had picked himself up.
"Thank you for telling me," I mumbled. "I'm so grateful to have met you and I'm so happy that you chose me."