// pic to make you smile because this chapter most definitely won't.
warning: this is the last chapter aside from an epilogue ^_^ //
warning: if suicide effects you significantly don't read!
dan
*three weeks later*
Dan is not enjoying his new school.
It's making him miserable. He's become the 'bad boy' there already. Everyone avoids him, he spends classes hanging around the back of classrooms, getting high.
Every single day has made his mood drop even lower, made the darkness consume his mind a little more. He's losing it, he's losing hope, light, everything.
As his mother is improving, Dan is worsening. She's beginning to be a mother for Shawn, meaning Dan no longer has a reason to stay stable. He's no longer needed.
No one needs him, that's what Dan thinks anyway. He's so utterly alone and lost in the dark. Dan closes his eyes, smoke falling from his lips as he exhales. He throws away the burnt out cigarette before straight out leaving school.
Dan doesn't need an education, he doesn't plan on sticking around long enough to use it anyway. He's done, he knows that, it's just a matter of time now.
A matter of finding the right time.
Dan puts earphones in, shuffling his playlist and closing his eyes as he walks, the music filling him up inside.
I ponder of something great, my lungs will fill and then deflate.
Dan passes his old school, where it's currently lunch. He wanted to pay a visit to Phil, before he leaves him forever. But Dan isn't sure if he can bring himself to do that anymore.
Dan looks up, dark clouds brewing in the distance. A storm is approaching, but for now, the weather is merely overcast. Dan looks to his right, spotting Phil sitting at the lunch table under the tree with his friends.
Phil doesn't look happy though, just sort of, deflated. He smiles, but there's bags under his eyes, his eyes have lost their usual shine, now they just look glazed over.
Phil suddenly looks over, making eye contact with Dan. Dan freezes, his eyes widen and feet rooted to the pavement beneath him. Phil stands, running over to Dan, who has just begun to function again and started to turn away.
Phil grabs onto Dan's arm before he can run away. Phil's grip is tight, his skinny fingers wound tightly around Dan's pale wrist. Dan turns back around to face Phil.
"We need to talk," Phil says angrily.
"Then talk," Dan says, "but I have nothing more to say to you."
"Come with me," Phil snaps, tugging Dan away from school and between two buildings a couple of meters down.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Phil asks angrily once they're away from unwanted eyes and ears, "you can't tell someone you love them and then just leave forever!"
"Watch me," Dan says, "it's for the best Phil. Trust me."
"No Dan! Don't you see?! I love you Dan! You can't just leave me, I won't let you!" Phil yells angrily, slamming his fists into Dan's chest, "don't give me that bullshit about it being the best for me because it isn't! You walked into my life and changed me Dan, you made me fall for you!"
"I-" Dan stammers, "you don't get it Phil."
"No! I don't! You make it so complicated Dan, when it's really not!" Phil says.
"Well then what's the uncomplicated version?" Dan asks.
"I love you and you love me! That's all it is Dan!" Phil yells, slamming his fists into Dan's chest with each word before collapsing into sobs against Dan's chest.
Dan remains silent, just watching as Phil grips the front of Dan's t-shirt in his fists and just sobs, his face hidden in the material.
"Please Dan, don't leave me," Phil whispers, which completely tears Dan apart, especially considering what he already plans to do.
"I'll always be there Phil," Dan whispers, tears in his own eyes, "whether you can see me or not, I'll be there."
"What do you mean whether I can-" Phil starts, lifting his head up.
"I love you Phil, never forget that. You make me so, so happy. You are the source of my happiness, always you and only you," Dan says.
"Stop confusing me. First you leave - now you say this?" Phil asks, "I don't know what to think."
"Don't think," Dan whispers, "just listen to me for the next few minutes."
"Okay?"
"You mean the world to me Phil, I can never repay you for all you gave to me. I love you with all my heart. You made me smile, you showed me love, happiness and you're literally sunshine Phil," Dan says softly, hugging Phil tightly, "I love you, never, ever forget that."
Dan lets go, stepping back and Phil frowns in confusion.
"Dan? Where are you going?" Phil asks, "you can't just leave."
"I'll be back," Dan lies, "I'll always come back for you Phil."
Then Dan turns and walks away from Phil, tears in his eyes but the ghost of a smile on his lips.
***
phil
A box arrives on Phil's doorstep when he gets home.
Phil picks it up, puzzled. He quickly takes it inside as there's a storm brewing and the first drops of rain are beginning to fall. He lifts the box onto his bed and finds scissors to cut the tape open.
Phil reaches into the box and pulls out the three things inside. There's a small notebook, which he decides to read later. There's a small, pink heart. And finally, there's a photograph.
Phil frowns in confusion, but when he flips it over to the picture side, he smiles softly. It's a photo of him and Dan from a while ago, when they were together.
Both he and Dan have bright smiles on their faces. Dan's smile is so bright and full of happiness that it makes Phil smile now.
Phil puts down the photograph and frowns. Why would Dan send him this?
Phil reaches for the notebook and flips to the first page, which has two words scrawled in the middle of the paper.
For Phil.
Phil flips to the next page, which is filled with Dan's messy scrawl, the ink smudged in places from writing with his left hand.
Phil flips through the whole notebook. It's only half full, but the half with writing is filled with small drawings, poems or just notes addressed to Phil.
Phil wonders when Dan did this - there's no dates on the pages. Phil flips back to the first page to read it, but stops when a loud clap of thunder echoes around, shaking his house walls.
Phil walks over to his window. The light is beginning to dim, rain is pouring down, making it hard to see and the wind is swirling around, violently shaking the trees. It's dangerous to be outside.
Phil looks back down to the items on his bed and his eyes widen and his heart stops cold. No! He thinks, no, no, no!
Phil runs downstairs, reaching for the door handle but is stopped by his parents.
"Phil what are you doing?" His dad asks, stepping in between Phil and the door, "it's dangerous to go outside!"
"P-please... It's Dan!" Phil stammers, "I have to stop him."
And then Phil breaks down into tears.
***
dan
Dan leaves the folded note on his bed, tucked inside an envelope.
He slips past his mother, who's cooking in the kitchen, and walks to his brother, hugging him tightly.
"I love you Shawn," he says softly.
"I love you too Dan," Shawn says, hugging Dan tightly, confused but happy at his sudden affection.
When he lets go, Shawn goes to see what their mum is cooking. Dan turns, looking into the kitchen where his mother and Shawn are now cooking together, smiling and laughing.
The ghost of a smile flickers across Dan's lips. They'll be okay.
Dan walks out of the front door soundlessly. The rain instantly soaks his jacket, jeans and shoes but that's okay. Ten minutes later, Dan is truly soaked to the bone, but he's here now.
He leans over the edge of the railing, looking down at the churning river below. It's usually pretty calm, but the storm has made it into a deadly current. Dan steps up and over the railing, a step from death, his fingers frozen to the cold, wet rails.
It's true, the closer you are to death the more alive you feel. Dan's heart is beating so quickly in his chest, his body is filled with every emotion possible.
He's ready, he wants this.
Dan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, thinking of every moment he's felt happy, every moment which has made his life worthwhile. With those memories filling him up, Dan smiles and opens his eyes, looking down at the water.
He's not afraid.
And then he lets himself fall forward, taking in a last breath before his body hits the water.
**************
an// um... so that was the last chapter. Stay tuned for the epilogue though!
Please vote, comment and share! I'll try to have the epilogue up in the next few days. I hope you enjoyed this book! I loved writing it!
I have a new book up called moods if you want to check it out!
Thanks so much for over 50K reads and 1K followers, you guys meant the world to me ^_^