The sound of giggling pulled me from the restless sleep which felt like it had only lasted moments. It took me a while to realise it was Maisie's brothers down the hall from her bedroom making the noise. I didn't feel hungover. No, physically, I felt okay. Maybe a bit tired. It was my thoughts that were chaotic.
My mind was a tangle of memories from last night, bringing on horrible feelings of shame. What exactly was I ashamed of? It rotated. I was so ashamed of how I'd treated Alastair. I was ashamed of how I'd let Noah's drunken plea for his best friend cloud my judgement. Because even though what he said was logical, I'd jumped to the conclusion that I needed to tend to my relationship with Logan more than my friendship with Alastair.
And since when was I the kind of person who sacrificed friendships for romantic relationships?
What continued to bother me more than anything was the fact that Alastair had started all of this. It was Alastair who'd made the deal, Alastair who'd given me advice and tips to get on this level with Logan in the first place. I wonder if he'd know that he would create a monster.
Maisie was still sleeping next to me, tucked in the depths of her comforter. The rise and fall of her chest caused her to blow the blonde hair which had fallen onto her face back and forth. I wondered what had triggered her break down last night. I had tried to get some kind of sense from her on the way home, but she just kept muttering about never being number one.
I inhaled slowly, trying to absorb as much oxygen as I could in an attempt to clear my bloodstream of the haunting thoughts. I had work with Susan in only hours, and as much as I wanted to I couldn't turn over and sleep away the rest of the day.
I wrote a long note to Maisie, detailing how sorry I was and that I would be around after my shift with a large tub of her favourite flavoured ice-cream from work. I couldn't wake her, not when she had taken so long to fall asleep last night.
My house was empty. I used the key hidden behind the flower pot to let myself in and jumped in the shower straight away. I peeled off the stupid Australian-flag-printed bikini and threw it at the washing basket. Eating made me feel repulsed, so I did nothing to get ready but put on a sky-blue sundress and braid my hair out of my face.
I walked by the beach in the hopes that the salt air would make me alert, sticking to the winding footpath in an effort not to fill my shoes with sand. The sun was as bright as my dress and dotted with circling gulls. I wondered if the gorillas were surfing. I smiled at the term gorillas. It had been a while since I'd referred to them by their animistic nickname. They deserved it.
Susan was behind the ice-cream displays, a cheerful grin on her chubby face. Her cheeks were wide and flushed, her grey hair piled into a tall bun.
"Morning, Valerie. I'm thinking of giving you employee of the summer. You always take the shifts that nobody else will."
I smiled at her. It was true, nobody wanted to work after the celebrations of yesterday. I put on my apron and went to work on the usual activities. It kept my mind focused and away from the growing tangle in my head.
"Do you think you'll come home next summer?" Susan asked.
"Probably," I told her. "Someone's gotta do the dirty work down here."
She laughed, the sound of wind chimes on a playful breeze. "I hope so, Valerie. I'm going to miss you when you all go off to the city."
"I'm going to miss you too," I murmured. I still hadn't adjusted to the idea of leaving Sandy Cove. I still hadn't done anything towards my enrolment in Perth, let alone begun looking for accommodation there yet.
It felt like a never ending stream of children and townies flowed into the ice-cream shop, and I was kept on my feet the entire time. I was so distracted by the customers that I didn't notice the figure sitting on a table nearby until I left the shop on my break.
Susan had made me a sandwich, which I was desperately hungry for, and I took it under my arm as I made a beeline for the bench by the shore. The figure followed me and grabbed my wrist to get my attention.
"Valerie, I need to talk to you." It was Alastair. He looked tired and his brows were set in a worried, or perhaps stressed look. I was going to ask him how cleaning up went last night, but I figured he'd have a maid over to do it or something, knowing his family. And then I decided his serious expression probably meant he had a purpose to find me.
I was stupid enough to blurt the first thing that came into my head. The tone wasn't as friendly as it should have been considering I wanted to be apologising to him. "I'm on my lunch break."
"I know, but it can't wait. I'm going to Beatrice's with my family for a few days."
"Oh, okay."
We sat on the bench together, the same one we'd sat at when we were planning my first mission to allure Logan at the pub. Phase one of the deal. Back then, we'd laughed and ate ice-cream and joked around. Today, we sat and faced the sea rather than each other, while I ate my sandwich in silence until he finally said something.
"I need to tell you that I think it's a terrible idea for you to be with Logan."
I choked a little on the food in my mouth. "Why?"
"Because he's everything you said he was back when we first met," he said.
"I know he's all of that," I replied. That wasn't news to me, I had processed how to handle my conceptions of Logan. I took another bite of my sandwich nonchalantly. It was lettuce, avocado and boiled egg. Working with Susan was a blessing because she always bought along lunch for us.
"Really? We established he was egotistical, Valerie. But I don't think you realise how egotistical he is. What he says to his friends when you're not around."
"Enlighten me then," I dared. His seriousness was annoying me, mostly because, even when we had so much to be discussing, he was bringing up issues I'd already dealt with.
"Last night, just before you were making out with him, on my stairs might I add, he said to Luke and Pete, I quote 'I told you she's able to be cracked. I'll let you know later on what she's like'. Probably not difficult to guess what he meant by what you were like." His jaw was rigid, his eyes narrowed. I gulped.
"Why... why didn't you tell me when he said that? If you heard that you would have told me."
"Because you'd just pointed out how much you didn't need me." He gave me a dark look, which was enough to throw me off. Alastair's eyes were meant to be kind, not hard and hurt. "Not to mention, I had no idea you intended to get it on with him. I thought you were smarter than that."
Ouch. My chest stung a little. What was more hurtful was that, left unattended, I wasn't sure that I wouldn't have gotten it on with him. In that moment things had been so physical I was sure I'd have done anything he'd asked. But I'd never admit that. "I didn't intend to get it on with him. And I didn't anyway."
"I just thought you should know. I also wanted you to know that..." He trailed off, and his eyes left mine to survey the beach in front of us.
"Tell me what?" I asked. "What Alastair?"
"This whole thing-" he waved his hand between us, "-it can be done with. The deal. The promises. I don't think I can be a part of it anymore. I can't help you with Logan, and I can't keep watching it all unfold."
"What do you mean? You're saying we can't be friends anymore?" It was ironic. I think that was exactly what I'd said to him last night.
He took a long time to reply. His eyes had lowered to his hands, where he fidgeted with his thumb nail. He had turned into a stone man, his jaw clenching and his posture rigid. "No. I don't think so."
"Why?" My voice was small.
"Because, Val. Last night, you told me we couldn't be close because he would get jealous. You chose his feelings over mine." His voice became quiet, and I wasn't sure if his last words were supposed to be for my ears. "Him over me."
Logan over Alastair. It was true, I'd more or less put it into words last night when I had drunkenly made the decision to make things easier for Logan and I by giving him no reason to speculate over my friendship with Alastair. But had Logan really said that to his friends? I knew Alastair wouldn't lie to me, but could he have misheard? Or misunderstood?
My sandwich was forgotten, left on its wrap in front of me as I stared at my hands, folded in the lap of my sundress.
I'd never become as close with anyone as fast as I became close with Alastair. Nobody had managed to encourage me to leave the cynical shell I'd built around my love life.
"I didn't know I had to choose," I said quietly. "I didn't want to choose. Last night, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was just thinking what it would be like between Logan and I if the situation had reversed. If, say, he'd gone to Zoe's for dinner with her parents. I'd feel pretty hurt too, so it would make sense for us to tone things down."
"I get that, Valerie. I do. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or anything unjustified, I'm just telling you that I can't be a part of it anymore. I'd do more harm than good."
"How could you do more harm? You always know the right thing to do, you're always so good at helping, Alastair."
"Because I don't think I can keep acting all perfect, Valerie. I'm not. I thought I could try being a new person here in a way, that I could make a difference to people. But instead I'm selfish. I'm biased, and I'm done pretending."
"What do you mean you're selfish? Alastair, I don't know what you're point is. Are you saying our whole friendship you've been pretending?"
"No, not in that way. I care about you, Val. And that's why I can't keep going with this." He looked at me then, his jade eyes looking a million years old.
"You care about me too much to see me go to Logan," I said slowly, piecing it together. "But you're the one who more or less forced me to go out with him in the first place."
"Oh, come on. I didn't force you to do anything. You agreed."
"I know, but I am just struggling to understand." I was starting to get pissed at his vague explanations. "Can I ask why then? Why you made the deal with me?"
He hesitated. "Because I saw you, alone on the beach that morning and I told myself if you didn't show interest back I wasn't going to chase you, because I'm used to the chase. I'm used to getting what I want in the end. So when you asked me that question, what you could do to stop me from pursuing you, I thought, if I did ever want a proper chance with you, you needed to open your heart. And I couldn't do it, because you'd already written me off as whatever your perception of me was."
"I've already told you that I was wrong about that-"
"Let me finish. I didn't know Logan. But I did know you two had something already. I had also vowed to do something for other people for once. So that's why I made the deal." I was silent, thinking about how I could reply to his explanation when he unexpectedly continued. "What I didn't expect, was something I'd never known before, Valerie. Back on the beach, or even at the ice-cream shop that first time we spoke, I was already tugged to you. You weren't even my type- no offence."
I sensed where he was going, and it made me paralysed. I couldn't even part my lips to change the subject, or tell him to stop.
"It's been really weird meeting people here. Because you're all so natural, and not just by appearances. You're almost pure, there's no hierarchy, there's no pristine reputations. And then there was you. Valerie, you've done something to me without me even realising it. You've made me feel something I didn't even know that I was capable of feeling. It's like somewhere along the way you switched a button in me that made me care, more than I ever intended to care."
Breath, Valerie. You have to remember to breath.
"I've fallen in love with you this summer, Valerie," he said. There was no conviction, no question. The way he said it was a fact. He took a deep, doubt filled breath. "I don't know when it happened. Maybe it was one of the times you mocked my accent, or when you were at my house that morning by the pool. Maybe it was when we held hands on New Year's Eve or when you told me about the sailboat snow globe you had as a kid. I don't know when exactly it happened. But it did."
I hadn't realised our eyes had been locked until he looked away, back to his fiddling hands. He looked a little less worked up, but a little hopeless. Inside I felt a yearning to comfort him, to put my hand on his or to press my lips to his cheek and hold his face to mine. But I couldn't. How could I, when he had just admitted something so huge, and there was no way I could form a comprehensible thought, let alone anything reasonable to say.
"This is why I have to say goodbye now. Partly because I can't keep watching you put effort into someone who has no appreciation or respect for you. But mostly because I can't expect you to reciprocate my feelings and I don't want things to get complicated."
"You're going?" I whispered hoarsely.
"I'm not saying this is goodbye for good, I'm just going to my Aunt's. But what you said last night was right. I don't think we can be friends anymore. Which is why I had to tell you all of this. You deserve to know."
I nodded. Because it was all I could do. A hopeless feeling had settled over me, a mourning for something I didn't think I could lose. Something I didn't even know that I had in the first place.
"For the record," he said. "I really hope you're smart about Logan. I don't want your first experience at love to be a terrible one. If you do love him, that is. I hope you don't for your sake. And then a little selfishly for mine."
Was this his first experience at love? He'd told me he'd never had a proper girlfriend. Did that mean that he had never been in love? How did he know he was falling in love with me? How could I believe him? And most importantly, how was I supposed to know how to fall in love with Logan?
I remembered something I'd said to him earlier in our friendship. I can look after myself. Could I look after myself? In that moment I didn't believe so.
So I nodded a little. And then he stood up and gave me a sad smile. It pulled at his handsome features, warped his cheerful demeanour into something a little more pained.
"I'll see you later, Valerie."
My lips twitched for several seconds as I thought of the right thing to say. The only thing that came was, "Wait."
He turned back to face me, there was possible even a glimmer of hope in his eyes as he gave me a sceptical look. How could he look so wise yet childish at the same time? How could his expression alone dictate the speed of my heart? I don't really know what I wanted him to wait for. Maybe so I could look at him properly one more time before he left.
"I hope everything with your family goes okay," I said stupidly. Like he hadn't just dropped a bomb between us. I took a deep breath. "And I'm really going to miss you, Alastair."
This time there was no hug. No joke. Not enough to console my racing thoughts. I felt as if I'd just started running a marathon but had suffered some kind of memory loss, and now I had no way to know why I'd started running in the first place.
I didn't go home after my shift. Instead I went straight to Maisie's, with the tub of ice-cream I'd promised. She was still in bed when I went up to her, she'd switched on her lanterns and was playing a movie on her TV, but apart from that nothing had changed since I'd left that morning.
"Hey there," I said as I slid in beside her, beneath her duvet.
"Hi," she said sheepishly. "Thank you for last night."
"What are friends for?"
"Wiping tears away and taking each other home."
"Apparently."
"I missed you today. I've been waiting for you to come back so we can talk."
I sighed, because I knew I couldn't bring myself to tell her about Alastair yet. A vision flashed of the broken bottle in his hallway and my heart tore a little when I recalled him seeing me and Logan. There was too much drama unfolding, it was all happening so fast. Switching the conversation to Maisie was the best option. "What happened last night?"
She flopped her arms over her head. "Dan."
"Dan?"
"Dan. I can't even tell whether I was overreacting. One minute I was having fun with Zo, and then I walked around the corner and found him with Mallory. They weren't kissing or anything, just sitting and talking... but it got to me. Because he had this look, Val, his look. It was as if things were normal again, and I just feel like it was because it wasn't me he was talking to."
Her words only made me sadder and I moved closer, cradling her beside me. "Maisie, even though I'm sure you were drunk enough to hallucinate his look, I don't think it was Mallory who brought it on."
"Really?"
"Really," I said. I knew the best way to console Maisie was to make things a little superficial. "I mean, did you see the shorts she was wearing? Bright green. He was probably trying not to laugh at them."
She laughed a little, but not properly. "I just don't know if we've got a happily ever after, Val."
Hearing Maisie admit something so uncharacteristic made my already aching heart twist a little further. Maybe it was a day of heartbreak, for all of us.