re·lease
verb
allow or enable to escape from confinement; set free.
trigger warning: tiny trigger at the end babes
Dan Howell was thirteen.
A lot of time had passed since him and Louise's make-up back in grade three. The years seemed to kinda blur together, days cruising by in what seemed like no time at all. But all the same, it still felt like it passed, like how you feel when you wake up from a really long nap and realize you just slept 13 hours in a blink.
They stayed friends over the course of grade school. They had their little arguments, but nothing broke them to the point it was permanent. Just kinda fused them back stronger, the same way bones do.
Louise was Dan's only and truest friend. He trusted her completely, and she the same. They knew each other inside and out, every flaw as indifferent appearing as their own.
Dan was, for once, doing okay.
Everything was still a little hard, but if anything it was bearable. His mum's death remained indented into his memory, but he tried not to think about it much. He vaguely knew memories worked like everything else in the world, that overtime they don't effect you as badly if you just take the time to get used to them, to embrace them head-on. But Dan was still only a five-foot-two thirteen year old that didn't like to deal with anymore pain than necessary, so he stuck with not doing any kind of memory embracing. For now, at least. Maybe he would when he was older.
His dad still beat him as if he were a giant slab of raw meat, like the kind you see in cartoons like Tom and Jerry. But it, again, was bearable. He told Louise about it, and she was a nice help. She was a nice help with everything, really. Dan had became accustomed to associating her bright cotton-candy blue eyes and blond curls with support; she was slowly building him back up, picking up his broken pieces and clicking them into place again.
Currently, the two were texting, neck-deep in a conversation about the secrets of armadillos. Dan was lying on his bed, belly-down.
It was pretty late, probably somewhere past midnight, and Dan was having trouble staying awake. He yawned loudly, typing out his next reply on the topic and propping his head up with his arm.
He blinked sleepily at the phone screen, taking a few seconds to realize the message he sent didn't deliver properly. There was a little red ! by it, which normally meant either he or her had lost connection. Dan frowned and checked, but he had five bars. He even tested it by googling something, but everything was working better than ever. So, it had to have been her.
Louise probably just had to go or something, or maybe her wifi cut out. Dan might've believed this if he wasn't aware that Louise hadn't even been home; she told him not too long ago (pre-armadillo era in the chat) she was walking to the store up the road from her house. Unless she had gained teleportation abilities over the course of the last fifteen minutes, she shouldn't be home yet.
Dan shook his head, shooing away the nagging worries starting to nibble at the outer edges of his conciousness. She was okay, she had to be. It was late, and his brain wasn't working the right way. He just needed sleep.
Yeah, that's it, sleep.
Dan locked his phone and clicked off the lights, tucking into bed and closing his eyes. He slowly fell down into the caverns of rest, his dreams dark and blurry and ringing with screams of painfully familiar voices.
-
Dan awoke the next morning--or early afternoon, moreover--to his phone screeching out a muse song. He fumbled for it drowsily, peeling open his eyes, albeit with great effort against the bleaching sunlight, when he couldn't locate it. He blinked around, saw it buried in the covers at the foot of his bed, and tapped the screen, which was already lit.
"Hello?" He yawned into the phone, a little hesitant, but too tired to really be wary. The caller ID was unfamiliar.
"Daniel?" An older, feebler voice croaked in the line. It was vaguely recognizable, but Dan was still a little confused as to why they were calling.
"Is this Louise's mum?" He asked, something lurching deep in his stomach in the sudden wake of remembering their chatting last night, and the faulty message. Had it still not been delivered? He felt an urge to check, but forced himself to keep his phone put firm on his ear, his tiredness beginning to feel rather insignificant.
"Yes, yes." She said quietly. "Listen, Daniel, I--"
"Is Louise alright?" He asked, cutting her off. To Dan's utmost horror, there came no reply. The call couldn't have ended, either, because he could hear her breathing; it heavy and unnatural. Or wait--no, that was just his.
"Please tell me she's alright..." Dan said quietly into the phone, aware that his grip was tightening on the device with every passing second.
"I'm sorry. I know you two were close." Louise's mum whispered. Dan felt something crack, the freshly repaired shards of himself threatening to crash down all over again. One word in specific had stuck out, jabbing at Dan like a little insect with fangs that were really too small to do any harm but still kinda hurt.
Were?
But before Dan could voice the question beginning to fizz inside of him, she was answering it.
"Louise was hit by a car last night. She didn't make it. I'm sorry."
Dan didn't even bother with shutting his mouth, which was still slacked open from when he was about to ask. Something cold and hard was spiraling through him, starting in his chest and branching out like a bunch of small needles. It cut off his speech, drying his mouth as if he were drinking a glass of water that worked in reverse.
His entire body felt numb. The cogs in his brain were clunking together, sending a sharpness to stab through his heart as it all slotted into picture like a puzzle. A distant, unfamiliar voice sneered somewhere in his head.
You were texting her. Hit by a car? You know what that means, right? It squeaked, tone manic. It was your fault. She was too busy with you to pay attention. You killed her.
Dan shook his head rapidly, closing his eyes shut tight. It wasn't his fault...was it?
"Daniel? You still there?" Louise's mum piped up. Dan cleared his throat, managing to croak out a feeble yeah. "The funeral, its on friday, if you want to--"
Dan didn't let her finish. He cut the line short, anger beginning to bubble up inside him. He was mad. Mad at Louise's mum for not keeping her safe, mad at Louise for leaving him, mad at the driver that hit her, mad at the world, but mostly just mad at himself.
Dan opened his eyes and stumbled off the bed. You know that thing, where people say they "saw red"? Like, in a way to describe their anger? Well, if anything, that old saying would probably fit best right now. Dan was blinded completely with fury, and he nearly let out a scream as he blinked at his room.
He threw his phone. It hit the wall opposite to him and lifelessly slid to the ground. He fell to the floor on his knees, burying his face into his hands and letting out a choking sob.
His mind was brandishing a new role as a record player, broken and on repeat. The same words played over and over as he cried.
Its all my fault.
Dan let himself cry. He cried until he couldn't anymore, until his voice was hoarse from screaming. Dad was at work, and would be until dawn. He had the whole night to himself.
There was a flash of memory. The reflective texture of a blade surfaced into his muddled head. He was almost positive he'd seen it in the house before. A few, actually. In his mum's room, right?
Dan let slip a shuddered sigh, closing his eyes and rising to his feet. He felt nauseous, his stomach swirling in all different ways like a rouge ocean. The broken record player in his brain was silenced, a new thought prodding through.
If mum did it, why not I?
And then he was on his knees in the empty bathtub. The same bathtub his mum had lay, bloodied and lifeless, so many years ago. His arms were screaming with pain as he held a shiny, reflective blade in his trembling hand, his own blood dripping silently onto the white porcelain.
A/N - I haven't uploaded a chapter in two weeks woah. I really don't have a good excuse for as to why. the majority of my free time these last 14 days have been devoted to reading harry potter and listening to panic's new album, but I'll try to get the next chapter up sooner haha.