Kiss of Revenge Ch. 16: Kiss No More
Charles' POV:
It's not the first time I lost somone I love.
It's not the first time I lost at love.
It feels like it's predestined.
Love will find me.
I will love.
Love will leave.
I'll be left.
You might think that by now I should be used to it, right? Loving, losing, hurting... Kasi nga naman, hindi ito ang una.
But love is not like riding a bike.
Na kapag nahulog ka, itatayo mo ulit yung bike tapos aandar na ulit.
Na kapag hindi ka nagbike ng matagal na panahon, matatandaan mo pa rin kung paano sa muling pagtapak mo sa pedal nito.
Love is always a new experience.
And it was, indeed, an experience for me.
I woke up with the sunlight hitting my face. It was warm. I groaned. I tried to lift my head but failed miserably. My head is throbbing. I slumped back on my bed and opened my eyes instead.
I have no recollection of what happened last night. But by the looks of it, I think I drunk myself to death. Empty bottles of whiskey are on my floor. There's even a half full bottle right next to my bed.
I groaned again. That explains the headache. I forced myself to sit up. And I was successful after a few mitues of trying.
I burried my face on my hands and tried to remember last night.
Oh yes. I lost my Charly and RB left. But what surprised me is that feeling of nothingness. I feel devoid of any emotions. I probably lost them on my second bottle. Or third.
Then I felt my phone vibrates. Somewhere. I scrumbled on my bed to find my phone and saw the caller ID.
Nick.
Why? Does she know?
How? Who told her?
Then the vibration stopped and I saw the multiple messages and missed calls. I didn't even bother on checking them.
Bago ko pa maibaba ang phone ko, it starts vibrating again.
Nick.
I groaned before answering the phone.
"Kapag di mo binuksan ang pinto mo, ipapa-wrecking ball ko to kay Miley Cyrus. O papasabugin ko."
It took me time before I can process what she said. "Wait. You're outside? My house?"
"Ay hindi, nasa loob ako ng bahay mo." She replied sounding irritated. "Kanina pa Charles. Ano bang ginagawa mo?! Buksan mo na, dali!!"
"Wala ako sa bahay ko." I lied.
"Oh really?! Coz I can smell you from here Charles. You stink."
"Ugh. Fine. Wait."
Tumayo ako at pinagbuksan siya ng pinto. I was surprised when Denise rushes inside and hugged my waist. And as unstable as I am, I stumbled down with her still plastered on my waist.
"Aahhh!!" She shouted in pain.
"Charles!! What the heck! Denise, baby, are you okay?"
I heard Nick's voice then felt Denise being taken away from me.
"I'm fine mommy. But I don't think Daddy is."
I looked up and saw Denise's worried eyes looking at me. Tinignan ko si Nicole and she looked pissed.
"Goodmorning." I said, faking a smile.
Nicole sighed. "How are you?" She asked sincerely.
I stood up. "I'm fine."
Itinaas nya yung kilay nya and placed both her hands on her waist.
"You're lying Daddy." I heard Denise say. Nung tinignan ko siya she has the same pose as her mother.
I sighed. "Okay. Okay. My head aches. I have a hangover."
"Mommy, what's hangover?" She asked not losing that sass.
"That's what happened when you handled your problem the wrong way."
"You're the one to talk, Nicole." I said leaving both of them. I started with the bottles and tried to clean up.
I hear her talk to Denise in a muted voice. I heard the door open then closed.
It was silent. I am alone.
I go directly to my kitchen to get some damn cold water.
Winter.
I groaned.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
I was shocked to hear Nicole's voice. I spin around and see her standing at my kitchen.
"Akala ko umalis na kayo?"
"Surprise. I'm still here." She respond coldly.
Umupo ako sa isa sa mga stool near me and looked at her. She's mad.
"What do you need from me?"
"I know you're hurting." She started.
I laughed bitterly. I don't feel anything. Obviously, she doesn't know what she's saying.
"But do you really have to be this rude?!" She asked.
"I didn't ask you to be here." I replied.
"But I wanted to. I am your friend." She said calmly.
"I don't need a friend. I'm perfectly fine." I said and gulp my remaining water.
"You know it's bullshit! What you've gone thru --"
"..is none of your business, Nicole." I said, interrupting her.
She was shocked. I never talked to her like this before. I loved her, surely she believes I have a heart.
"Who are you?" She asked in disbelief.
"Charles." And when I said my name, it sounds as empty as I felt. It was like an empty basin. Consumed. Devoid of anything... from any thing.
"Wala ako sa mood makipag-pilosopohan sa'yo." sagot nya.
"I'm asking you what you need from me. You walked into my house. You need something from me. Right?"
"I think it's not the right time." She replied in defeat. And she started walking away.
I stood up. "No Nicole. Let's do this now. You want to know how I feel?!
NOTHING."
By then, she stopped walking away. She turned around and looked at me. I continued.
"I found a girl that I loved more than you. Then I was given a promise of life... in a form of my child carried by a girl I feel nothing about. Then I lost them. Both. Yesterday."
"How would you feel if Denise died then Dominic left you even before you're done mourning?"
"Nothing. Right? You'll be confused on what you should feel first. The betrayal? The mourning? The undying pain? The blaming? Which comes first Nicole?"
By this time she's crying ever so lightly. I did not make an attempt to come near her. To wipe her tears away. I can't even feel for her. I just stood there. Watching her watching me.
She wiped her own tears before speaking. "Naalala mo nung muntik na tayong ikasal? It was not the same situation as what you have right now but, like you, I don't feel anything by that time. You may not think I cannot understand you for I never experienced it the same way. But pain shares the same language. It speaks the same way."
Her tears starts falling again. "I hate to see you this way."
She walks closer. I am immobile. When we're face to face, she touched my face and wiped the tears that weren't there. She moved closer. I am being suffocated by her presence alone. I can't seem to breathe. She wrap her hands around my waist and settled her head on my chest. "But you have to go through this Charles. I'm not saying you deserve this, pero ito na to eh. Nandito lang kami if you need us."
She stepped back. And when she's about to step out of the house, she smiled. "You know where to find me."
And she left.
RB's POV:
"Hindi na 'ko mag-iinom ulit. Hindi na 'ko mag-iinom ulit. Hindi na..."
Bumangon ako na pumipintig ang ulo ko. Parang sasabog. Parang... ayoko na talaga...
"Maaaaa!!" Sigaw ko.
"Bumaba ka dito kung may kailangan ka." Sigaw nya pabalik.
"Di ko kaya maaaaaa." Sigaw ko pabalik. Ipinikit ko ang mata ko at... ayoko na talaga.
"Anong problema mo?" Tanong ni mama sa'kin. Nakaakyat na pala siya sa kwarto ko.
"Ang sakit ng ulo ko." Sabi ko habang nakasubsob ang mukha ko sa unan. "Ang sakit ma."
At di ko na naman napigilan ang luha ko. Lahat nang nangyari kagabi bumalik sa'kin...
Naglakad ako papunta sa simbahang malapit sa amin para may oras pa mag-isip.
I remeber his voice when he asked me to see him for the last time. He sounds desperate. I hate that he has to sound desperate for me.
Naupo ako sa isa sa mga benches sa harap ng simbahan. I looked up as new tears stream down my face. "I am making the right decision. Di ba?" I asked quietly.
It was quiet... and cold. Then I heard a car stopped near by. Next is I saw him walking towards me. I wiped the few tears I have shed. I tried to collect pieces of myself together.
I feel him sit next to me. And it felt like, at that moment, we already know how this will end. Iniangat ko ang ulo ko at tumingin sa simbahan na nasa harap naming dalawa ngayon.
"Hindi ako madasaling tao, Charles. Pero isa ka sa mga pinagpapasalamat ko sa Kanya. Araw-araw." I said with a sad smile. "At simula ngayon, araw-araw din akong hihingi ng tawad sa Kanya dahil sa nangyari." Muli... pumatak ang aking mga luha. Napayuko ako sa sakit.
Hindi ko ginusto to. Ang maaksidente si Emma. Ang mawala yung anak nila. Maging ang piliing pakawalan si Charles habang nasasaktan pa siya... pero may mga panahon na mas pipiliin mong bumitaw. Hindi dahil mas madali. Hindi ito madali. Pero... bibitaw ako, kaso alam kong mas mahihirapan kaming magpatuloy siya lang ang bubuhat sa pasanin naming dalawa.
I've been with Charles long enough to know that he'll try to ease my pain by adding it on his own. I cannot break him that way. I love him so much that I want to spare him from losing himself in saving me.
"Your daughter.
Emma.
You.
Me.
We don't deserve this. This pain. This heart ache. This lost." Sabi ko ng umiiling. At isa-isang pumatak ang mga luha.
"So I'd be doing what I should've done before. We're both damaged souls now. We can't heal each other together."
I looked at him. I want him to know na ito yung totoo. Hindi namin kaya maghilom nang magkasama.
Hindi siya sumagot. Bigla nya kong niyakap. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. Bumuhos ang luha. I cling into him like I always do. I cried my heart out and I just hope that he knows I'm hurting too. I felt his tears silently falling down on my head. And with that I silently prayed that God will heal us both.
"I love you." He whispered. Then he kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and felt his lips touch my skin for the last time.
I stood up and looked at him. Sinubukan kong punasan ang mga bagong luha... "Let's learn to forgive ourselves." At hinalikan ko siya sa huling pagkakataon.
Naglakad ako papalayo.
"Kaya mo to RB. Wag ka nang bumalik. Wag ka nang bumalik."
Patuloy ako sa paglakad. Palayo. Bawat hakbang pabigat ng pabigat. Bawat tapak pahirap ng pahirap. Sa bawat pagyabag kasabay ang pagpatak ng luha.
"Kaya mo RB. Mahal mo lang siya. No big deal." Sabi ko sabay pahid ng luha. "Mahal ka din niya. No big deal." Pahid luha. "Kaso..."
Napahinto ako sa paglakad... "Mahal ko siya..." bulong ko sa sarili. Umikot ako. At nag-umpisang humakbang pabalik. Mabagal. Maingat. Pero habang tumatagal, bumibilis.
"Mahal ko siya..."
Patakbo akong bumabalik sa kanya kasabay ng pagpahid ng luha. Kasabay ng pagbalik ng pag-asang kaya ng pagmamahal ko yung sakit na nararamdaman nya.
Pahid luha.
Hinto.
Hingal.
Wala na siya.
Wala.