I’ve never experienced such pain as that night. Not only physically, but I swear I could feel my heart rip into two. My body ached, it screamed with fright and every breath I took felt as if I was breathing in knives.
How can a day so perfect turn into the worst day of your life? Just like that. There are so many questions that I don’t understand. Why did they take away the only person in my life that I could talk to and love? Did I do something wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Too many questions made me hurt. Everything hurt these days. People gave me so much sympathy when the accident happened, but none of them really cared. They just knew they had to say it to seem as though they weren’t a bad person. I mean, they weren’t bad people. But they didn’t exactly care.
It is just me or do you hate thinking? Does thinking make everything worse for you? You just overthink every single thought, every single observation until it seems like the only thing you can think about. You can’t stop, sometimes you don’t even realise you’re thinking until you’re coiled over gasping for air. It doesn’t help when the only reason you have friends now is because they feel sorry for you. None of them were friends with me and Chase before. They all made fun of us. He was my best friend. The only one who understood me, now he is gone. Gone forever. It hurts me saying these words, a sick kind of hurt. But I guess it’s true. I killed my best friend and the only person I’ve ever loved.
“Accidents happen” is what they all said. But I still blamed myself. Flashbacks. Nightmares. You name it, I had them. It wasn’t just the regular nightmare or flashback when you wake up and your heart is beating a thousand miles an hour. It was more where I woke up throwing up, hardly breathing and crying. I stopped eating so I only threw up water. My bones started to become noticeable, but I couldn’t eat. It just made me worse. That’s when the bullying began.
“Eat you sick freak!” exclaimed Enya pointing and laughing at my limp arms. I have this theory that every person’s name reflects on who they are. Enya means fire. Oh, and wasn’t she just that. Spreading her evil and cruel words around like wildfire. She made me sick. I hardly knew her for a start, but she continued to pick out every flaw I already obsessed about. Flaws. I hate flaws, why did we have to have flaws. Couldn’t we all be perfect? Couldn’t we all be accepted for the way we look? I didn’t understand. I shrugged off her comment knowing it would resurface tonight when I was at my lowest.
Everywhere I turned, every hallway, every classroom held memories of Chason. Or Chase, that’s what he was to me. Chason means strong or hardy. Just what he was. The strongest person I knew and would ever know. It hurts to know that there will be no more kisses, or hugs, or road trips to anywhere, laughing and writing poetry. I still don’t think that it has sunk in that he really is gone. It just feels like he is away on a long trip, and soon enough he will return to me and we can continue our days together.
Everyone asks me questions. “How are you today?” and I give them answers. But nothing I could say would make them understand. What makes it worse was that I actually thought things were starting to get better. I started to get everything together again. I started smiling because I wanted to. But then something triggers it, you lose it all. You can’t control yourself any longer. Dizzy, dark, lost and hopeless. It all sounds too familiar. You’ve fallen once again into what feels like a bottomless pit, you can’t stop falling and all you can see is black. Eventually you snap out of it, but nothing makes you feel any better for a long while.
Chase and I planned our future just 7 months ago. We would work together at the corner shop and save just enough earnings to buy a van. We would travel north, east, west – wherever we found ourselves. Busking to survive, wearing our pyjamas all day, discussing our dreams, taking photos of every place we went and holding hands. Memories that would never die, that would live on through our children who would smile and be proud that their parents for living their youth. If I have children now and they ask what I spent my youth doing, they would be disappointed. Of course, I could always get up and go out and do something, but it’s not the same. It will never be the same. At the moment I’m just trying to get through each day without falling apart.
I guess you’re probably wondering what did happen to Chase. I’ll never be able to tell you all the details, because it will hurt too much.
“Chase, let’s just go, who cares what they think, or what our parents think. I want to live up my youth because for all I know I could be dead tomorrow!” I yelled throwing my head back feeling the wind fill my lungs.
“You always did have a bad influence on me Bliss” he joked, as he started to flor the car down the private dirt road. ‘Bliss; happy’. As you can see I came up with my name theory when Chase was still alive, and I was actually happy. The scene was a typical drunken party like you’d see on any movie. People making out in every corner, laughing and enjoying themselves. So Chase and I parked up, and walked up to the group of people laughing, only to notice Enya and her crew there, but they were to smashed to even realise they hated us. Enya grabbed onto my hand and told me to drink up, and before I knew it I was having the time of my life. Well that’s what I thought at the time. Chase and I were dancing, laughing and singing, I can’t even remember what too. I had to use the toilet really bad so I left the group to go. I walked a fair bit because I needed the fresh air and when I’d finished my business I started to walk back. Something wrapped around my mouth and then my legs. Before I knew it I was in the backseat of a car. I could hear laughter, I tried to scream but I felt myself going to be sick so I stopped myself from saying anything. Everything was a blur, I felt myself being picked up again and then that was it.
My head ached and my stomach swirled. I started to stretch until I saw my surroundings. Long grass, the kind of grass that slices you when you touched it surrounded me. The sky was bright blue, meaning it had to be mid-day the next day. I tried to stand up, failing twice, but eventually found myself walking towards the sounds of cars on the highway. Why was I here? What even happened last night? I started to feel sick. My parents were definitely going to kill me, I knew I was in trouble. When I hitchhiked back home and walked through the door to find my mum sitting on the lounge with her hands over her eyes sobbing heavily. This was it. But when she looked up she screamed.
“Bliss! Dave, she’s home! DAVE!” running over to me to give me the most intense and confusing hug. I pushed away, and she observed my body. I had cuts and bruises all over me, I knew I would have looked a mess. She turned away from me and returned to the lounge only to start sobbing again.
“Bliss, where have, no, there’s something we need to tell you, but where were you last night?” her words seemed weak, her eyes looked distant. What was happening?
“Chase and I” before I could even continue my mother burst into tears. I didn’t understand what was happening. My head hurt, my bones ached and I could start to feel every cut starting to sting. I’d had enough of my mother and her games.
“Mum, what is going on?” I asked her sternly. She stared out the window for a few seconds then returning to me.
“Ch-chase ran into a power pole last night, we thought, no they thought you had a fight, no one could find you, everyone’s assuming things and Chase is dead and no one knows what happened”, she rushed out realising what she had just said.
In that moment I just looked at her like she was insane, until I remembered being thrown into a car and treated like a criminal the night before. I threw up right there and then, right on the floor where my mother usually did her palates. Then I ran. I don’t really remember where I ran too; I just remember not stopping for kilometre after kilometre until the police picked me up. Of course I refused to get driven home with them, I yelled, screamed and pushed my way away from them but somehow they managed to drive me home.
You’re probably imagining me lying in bed, bawling my eyes out, screaming and crying because of the news I had just found out. But I didn’t. I didn’t cry when I was being questioned by the police. I didn’t cry when I attended the love of my life’s funeral. I didn’t cry when my mum insisted on visiting the therapist, nor did I cry talking to him. I just felt tired. The kind of tired sleep couldn’t cure. I was in ‘denial’ they all said, but I knew what had happened. I knew he was dead, even if I hadn’t fully accepted it, I knew it all the same.
1 YEAR AFTER
“Bliss, I love you and I never want to see you this upset. I want you to promise me something?” Chase echoed as he stared into my eyes.
“Anything Chase, anything for you” I pleaded back.
“I want you to wake up in the morning and fake your best smile you can. I want you to go to school, hang out with your friends, and laugh. It’s been a whole year Bliss, and I miss you like crazy but it’s time for you to move on. There is someone out there who needs you like you need them, you just can’t see it when you’re shutting out every one around you. Promise me you will try to be happy, please Bliss. Do it for me”, proposed Chase, smiling and using his puppy dog eyes.
“I-I promise”, I stuttered slowly watching him fade from my reach.
When I woke to find that it was only a dream, I was really disappointed, but I started to remember our conversation. It was really something Chase would have wanted. Chase would have wanted me to be happy, just like I would have wanted the same. So as promised, I put on my best fake smile and walked through the gates of school. Surprisingly my day didn’t turn out too bad, the smiling actually did help and I almost had fun. Not quite, but almost is a start.
Sitting by myself in science never worried me, it was actually a relief seeing as I was awful and it helped me concentrate better. Until a boy called Beau was seated next to me. The first few weeks I couldn’t help myself but glance at his perfect features. There my name theory goes again; Beau: handsome, admirer, sweetheart. It scared me how true it was. We had talked a little, but we didn’t have much to talk about so I just sat there looking into thin air thinking about how perfect he was. Wow, that’s sad isn’t it? When we got our tests back, Beau offered to give me tutoring after school considering my D didn’t really get many standing ovations. Of course I accepted and couldn’t wait.
It turns out, Beau and I had a lot in common. We liked the same music, the same sports, the same subjects (minus science) so we ending up talking a lot more together. Every day after school we would meet him and he would tutor me, which was actually helping and then we’d spend an extra hour laughing and enjoying each other’s company. When the subject of Chase came up, and I skimmed quickly over what happened he apologised immediately. I told him it was all okay and that it wasn’t his fault.
“Bliss, not all the people in your life are meant to stay. I hate seeing you this upset. You will love again and it will be magnificent”, he croaked looking deep into my eyes. “Chase sounded like an amazing person, and your love for each other will always be infinite, which is special.” I loved Beau for that. He was right, our love really was infinite. We didn’t have a fight and break up, and I didn’t cry myself to sleep thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn’t love him. I never had any bad memories with Chase, they were all good. Nothing stopped us from loving each other, even though he is miles and miles away, love travels further than you can comprehend. He is and always will be my first love.
Before Beau, I would have never thought about liking someone else. I felt as though I would just be setting myself up for disappointment, for something to come around and ruin it. But with Beau, it was different. I couldn’t stop myself from wanting Beau. I mean he was perfect. His smile was the main source; just watching him smiling meant I had to hold myself back from smiling too. Though I had never asked, I knew he didn’t like me back. I’d see him with other girls, and feel worthless. How could I be jealous, he wasn’t even mine. I felt him starting to lose interest in me. We only talked when we were in science, and he felt cold, distant and different from the way it used to be. I knew I wasn’t good enough for him anyway, so why did I even bother.
A week later he was back to his old self, we chatted away all science then we caught up for some lunch the next day. After a whole week of being upset and so hung up by this guy, I felt happy again. Though, in the back of my mind I knew I was just an option for him. I would never be his first choice. I was just setting myself up for another big disappointment and I knew it. I also feel guilty, how could I like this guy when I knew I still loved Chase? I was just confused. Chase would be really upset if I replaced him, well that’s what I thought anyway. I tried all day to push the thoughts of Beau away, but it was no use.
I started doing things for Beau, instead of myself. I would purposely walk down the wrong hallway knowing Beau would be waiting for his class there, so we just might run into each other. Of course we did and he flashed his smile at me and said ‘Hey’. I heard him telling all his guys friends that girls who wear no makeup is the biggest turn on, so I stopped wearing it. He told me I looked really pretty the same day. I couldn’t stop wanting him to want me, I tried so hard but I couldn’t. I had never felt like this since Chase, it was amazing, infuriating and confusing all at the same time. After shutting out every boy that showed interest in me, I finally let go. Most people would say I had a hopeless crush on someone I had no chance with, and they were right.
Two months ago I would have never thought I’d have my heart set on anyone but Chase. But I was wrong, Beau had me. When Beau didn’t text me back after a few hours it hit me hard. Why was I trying? I knew I didn’t have any chance whatsoever, so why bother? It’s amazing how someone can affect your mood so easily. Just little things that really made your heart sink. Like when Beau finally texted me back saying sorry he was with Lily, I felt my heart sink. Lily “The flower lily is a symbol of innocence; purity and beauty.” She was beautiful. As much as it hurt to admit it, she was one of the only girls I could stand. She was never rude, she smiled a whole lot and she was just plain nice to everyone. I wanted to hate her, but you couldn’t hate Lily, no one could.
So when my phone rang later on that night and it was Lily, my body burned with fury. I didn’t let it show through on the phone though. She invited me to her birthday dinner in 3 nights. I accepted knowing that I would have a good time, because Lily was adorable and had adorable friends who accepts everyone for who they are, well most of time. But they had never been nasty to me. Showing up I don’t know why I didn’t expect to see boys there. So when I saw Beau I instantly regretted wearing the little make up I was. After I got over that I started to wonder. Did Lily and Beau get together, is that why he is here? Are they official but just haven’t told anyone? I felt sick so I quickly headed to the bathroom and sat in one of the stalls trying to keep my breathing controlled. When the door outside open and I heard girls come in I didn’t move.
“I know, I feel sorry for her, Beau did act like he liked her – she must be really pissed off that he came anyway” explained a girl who I was sure was Cassie.
“Lily will get over it, he wasn’t right for her anyway, no one rejects Lily so he couldn’t be. But I mean have you seen her all over Daniel tonight, it’s quite funny really!” four or five girls laughed as they walked back out the door. I couldn’t help but smile. From what I had just heard Beau had rejected Lily. I should have felt sorry for Lily, and I did but I must admit I was so happy.
When the dinner was over, and almost everyone but Lily, Daniel, Beau and I were gone I got impatient waiting for my ride, but Beau insisted on staying until I got picked up. When my mum texted me to say she couldn’t pick me up and to get a ride with a friend I was really annoyed. Beau laughed at me.
“Bliss, I can take you home if you want, it will be an extra five minutes but it’s not a big deal” assured Beau. I felt bad but I didn’t really have much option.
“You’re going to have to pay for petrol though” he urged looking into my eyes. Five extra minutes and he was going to make me pay for petrol, was this guy kidding. I’d rather walk. Beau burst into laughter.
“I’m joking Bliss, wow you should have seen the look on your face!” he giggled pulling me out the door and into his car. I laughed when I realised what an idiot I must have looked like and he laughed with me. The car trip home was half an hour at the most, but it was so much fun. Beau and I talked about people we hated, people we loved, music, food and not once was there an awkward moment. So when he pulled up outside my house and placed his hand on mine I couldn’t control my heart. It was beating 1000 miles per hour, and I am not exaggerating!
“T-thanks for the ride home Beau, even though you are an awful driver” I managed to squeeze out before he was kissing me, and I was kissing him. It was wonderful. He was wonderful. I thanked him again and almost fell out of his car, hearing him laugh at my clumsiness. Nothing could stop me smiling all night. I fell asleep smiling, and I swear I woke up smiling too. I couldn’t believe Beau actually kissed me.
I learnt another lesson the next day. Just because a boy kisses you, doesn’t mean he likes you. I learnt this lesson just the next day when I caught Beau and Brittney up against the wall kissing when I went to meet him at his locker. He saw me at the corner of his eye and stopped immediately. I just turned around and walked away. I showed no emotion whatsoever. For the rest of the day I ignored him, when he sat next to me in science and smiled I turned away and pretended to pay attention to the teacher when in reality I was using every inch of my body to stop myself from crying. Why didn’t I expect this? I was so stupid! I knew I was never good enough for him, he was probably just feeling lonely last night and I was just another girl he thought might give them their dream. How did he trick me so easily into thinking that he liked me? What if everyone has been doing that to me. My friends, family, everyone!
Lying in bed that night, wrapped up enclosed in my blanket with the occasional sob made me realise how pathetic I was. Why was I crying? He just kissed me, which was all it was. It meant nothing to him, so why does it mean this much to me? More questions, more overthinking until I finally fell asleep at 3:30am.
Beau seemed to be everywhere I went the next day. I tried my very utmost to avoid where I knew he would be, but he kept popping out of nowhere and catching my glimpse. I’d look away every time and avoid complete gaze of him. I was not going to be his second choice, when he was my first and only. Something that started out as butterflies, now only just hurts. Finally the last bell rang and when mum said she would be late picking me up I sat against the pole watching the couples and groups of friends pile into cars and drive away. What a joke, they were all going to end up getting hurt by each other somehow.
“Bliss”, someone whispered. I turned around to see Beau standing limp against another pole, staring at me but it looked like he was a million miles away. I just turned away again and tried to ignore him, but he came and sat next to me. I didn’t say anything, and he didn’t say anything for 5 minutes. It wasn’t awkward, it was like we were both lost in our own thoughts to even say anything. He finally turned to me and I got stuck in his eyes.
“I’m sorry Bliss” he managed to mumble out. I was horrified. Sorry, that’s all he could say. He wasn’t sorry, he just didn’t want an enemy, he just thought I’d be another girl to chase him around. Well I wasn’t going to be, that was the last thing I was going to be! I shook my head and turned away again, I couldn’t find words to say without crying. I heard him take in a deep breath and walk away. I broke down into tears and when my mum finally arrived I ignored her five hundred ‘what’s wrong’ and stared out the window. That night wasn’t any easier either.
Bliss,
When I was assigned seats next to you in science I thought I was the luckiest guy alive, and when we talked you made me feel like the luckiest guy alive. I can’t even explain how good it felt to look across the school and see you standing there. I started to feel things I hadn’t felt for anyone else, to be honest at the start it felt good, but then it started to scare me. You made me laugh, and every time our eyes met each other’s I instantly felt better. I don’t care how gay I sounded saying this it’s the truth. This feeling I had for you scared me, it truly scared me. I thought the only way to get rid of it would be by ignoring you. So I tried to push you away Bliss, I only lasted a week because I wanted to talk to you so much. Science became my favourite subject, especially tutoring you after school. So when that didn’t work I thought throwing myself at other girls would, and it helped at the time but when I saw your face when you saw me and Brittney, well let’s just say I didn’t feel too good. I don’t feel good now either. I’m sorry for not saying this yesterday when I had the chance but I couldn’t say it without crying. Bliss I think I like love you and I am so, so sorry for making your life harder because of that.
Beau.
Wow. I didn’t know what to feel. I was still so angry at him. But now I was just confused. I would do anything to see you Chase, just to talk to you. You gave the best advice, you always listened. Even when we were 10 years old and I liked Billy, the guy across the road. You told me to ignore him and that way it would make him want me more, so I did, next thing I know a week later he is at my feet pleading for me to go out with him. Did I? No, I found out he picked his nose in class and ate it. Ew, what a turn off! I hope you’ve found someone who treats you right Chase, wherever you are, you deserved that.
I folded the note and placed it in my schoolbag. School was more torturous than usual, I couldn’t focus, and I kept getting in trouble and assignment after assignment started to pile up. We didn’t have science which was a huge relief considering I had no idea what to say to Beau yet. I was feeling everything from hate to love with Beau; I swear it can’t be healthy. I decided not going to last period would be alright considering it was religion and I really couldn’t listen to that at the moment. So I sat beside the old science labs and attempted to draw. I never really was good at drawing; I just couldn’t find my artistic side. I’d even cried in year 8 because my sculpture wasn’t turning out as I thought it would. Art was never my subject, though I wish it had been.
“That’s um, interesting” Beau croaked looking at my drawing. I hadn’t even realised he was sitting next to me. How long had he been there? Did I fall asleep? I just stared at him in disbelief.
“Why aren’t you in last period?” I muttered.
“Had a lot on my mind, couldn’t really bring myself to focus” he yawned. He looked so careless, so laid back like nothing was on his mind. His looks really were deceiving. I shut my book with my hopeless drawing in it and placed it back into my bag.
“I’m um guessing you got my note”, he stared at me so intently I started to feel scared he was looking too closely at every imperfection I had.
“Uh, yeah” I murmured. I hadn’t prepared myself for this conversation. I didn’t think I would see him today. Why did he have to talk to me? Why not wait at least another day until I got my lines straight. I felt his hand on the side of my face as he turned my face closer to his.
“I’m a stupid little boy who is afraid to love, because every time I’ve loved something or someone, I lose it and I wasn’t prepared for it to happen again” he gulped and went on. “You’re the only person who can truly make me happy Bliss”. We kissed. It wasn’t a hot make out session like you’d imagine. It was a simple kiss, which meant more than 1000 words.
Beau and I weren’t official, but everyone knew we were together. Other girls envied me, and I felt Lily staring me down every Maths lesson. It’s been two weeks since he told me how he felt and I hadn’t felt this happy since Chase. My parents were both happy to see that I was happy so it made me in a much better mood at home as well. I started to focus a little better in class, which I knew would help in class. Everything was going so well, that’s what I thought anyway.
A month had passed and Beau and I were now official, which didn’t make much of a difference apart from the beautiful necklace he bought me. We went on dates almost every Saturday and Friday night which consisted of me laughing till I cried. He was perfect. Perfect for me. I could see myself starting to fall for him really hard, and at first I tried to stop myself but I felt like it was the right thing to do. So I fell, really hard. I loved him, I really did. For every time he made me smile, every time we hugged or kissed. For every time he took me into his arms and we danced together, in the middle of the street or at his house. Sounds corny, doesn’t it, but I really did. Lying in the long grass looking up at the stars was a night I would cherish forever. Beau turned to me and looked into my eyes, while I mesmerised every scar, every line that was placed on his beautiful face.
“I love you”, he whispered softly. Butterflies filled every inch of my body as I returned the same statement. I was sure I loved him then. I’m not quite sure anymore.
What makes someone wake up in the morning and decide they don’t love someone anymore? How do you wake up and feel nothing, just like that? If you know, can you please tell me because right now I need that more than anything. One of the hardest decisions in life would be deciding whether or not to try harder or walk away. Should I chase after Beau? Demand answers? Or should I leave it alone, because I may just make everything worse. I knew we were too good to be true. I wish Beau hadn’t sat next to me that first day in Science. I wish I had never even met him! How could he do this to me? Did he not like me from the start? Was this whole relationship a lie? Too many questions made my whole stomach flip.
My friends told me what I already knew. ‘Don’t even worry, he’s not worth crying about’, ‘Just move on, beating yourself up over it isn’t going to help at all’. My so-called friends didn’t have the time of day to actually listen to me. I hated it because when every single one of them came crying to me, I’d sit up all night comforting and making sure they were okay. I needed answers from Beau, I needed to talk to him. But I was so stubborn; I wanted him to talk to me first. So instead I curled up in bed crying, wishing I could sleep forever. Telling someone how I felt has never been easy for me, and I opened up to Beau. I told him all about Chase’s accident, how my parents split up then got back together in year five, how I wanted to die after Chase’s accident. It made me sick to think that this boy knew so much about me that could ruin me in less than ten minutes. He had this incredible power over me now, and all I could do was pray that he wouldn’t use it.
Why did Beau break up with me? If only I knew. He came up to me before school; it was two months that day. I bought him a new wallet, just something he had said he needed. I was so excited. So you can imagine what the words ‘Um Bliss, I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore, we’re over’, did too me. Just like after I heard about Chase, I didn’t cry. I showed no emotion, and just walked away. It was only when I got home that night did I pour my heart out into my pillows. So far I had lost the only two people I loved. I still didn’t understand what I had done to deserve it. School didn’t change much, apart from the fact my grades were lower than ever and Beau asked to move seats. You probably guessed my tutoring stopped as well.
I remembered back to Beau and my conversation where he said ‘Not all people are meant to stay in your life Bliss’. He was right, they’re not, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Did I love him? I don’t know anymore. Maybe at the time I did, but right now I can’t feel anything but frustration towards him. Have you ever broken up with somebody and started to see so many annoying traits in them that you didn’t see before? Like the way they laugh, it just makes you want to punch somebody. Or the way they walk. Little things that you wouldn’t have noticed before shine through the person and you start to see them for their true colours.
Beau is what you would call a player. I know that now. If only I could show Lily that he will only destroy her in the end. But how could I? It wasn’t something I could say, not that she would believe me anyway. I wouldn’t have believed anyone if they told me he was some kind of monster. I still miss him when I wake up; I miss him when I fall asleep, but most of all I miss the feeling I had when I was with him. I felt reckless with Beau, like nothing in the world could hurt me, now that’s gone and I’m anxious about everything. You’re probably thinking how could someone fall in love with someone when they were only together for a short time? Well it’s easy when they say everything you want to hear.
It will always hurt seeing Beau with someone else, but it’s something I am slowly learning to deal with. I feel sorry for him. One day he is going to fall really hard for someone, harder than any of the girls he has broken, and she will play him and break his heart and he will have no one else to blame but himself. Chase, if only you were here. None of this would have happened, I would be happy. I miss you so much. Everything from the way your eye used to twitch in the morning when you woke, to your annoying comments about my messy writing when we wrote poems together. I haven’t read any of the poems we wrote together since he died. I was waiting for the right time, which I thought would be never, but right now it feels perfect.
I pulled out an old shoe box from deep inside my cupboard. It was the box from the shoes I got for Chases’ mum’s second wedding. He helped me pick them; he really did have good taste. In the bottom of the box, covered in dust were a stack of cards where I put all our poems. My heart was racing harder than ever as I shut the door knowing it wasn’t going to easy.
If there is a time where you are upset,
Please know that I can fix it, so do not fret
And if there is a time where I put up a fight,
Remind me how you are “always” right
And if there is a time where we must part,
Please know that you are forever in my heart
As corny as it sounds I’ll love you till the end
Because you’re not only my lover, but my best friend
I wiped away the tear that was placed in my right eye. They say that if your first tear is in your right eye then you are crying of happiness. This was true. Even though Chase was clearly no Shakespeare, his poems crawled through every inch of my veins and made me feel alive. It was beautiful. I’d do anything to sit down with Chase now and write more poems together, anything. But he was there, and I was still stuck here and in that moment I think I finally accepted that Chase was never coming back, but he was always with me. I clung to the small piece of paper, took a few deep breaths and placed it in the very back of my wallet. Whenever I was worried, sad or upset I could just pull it out and feel a lot better. I imagined myself 80 years old getting upset and pulling out a raggedly old piece of paper and smiling. I knew I’d never forget you Chase.
A month went past and I started to pick my grades back up. I had better things to do then remember Beau. That’s what I told myself anyway. He ended up breaking up with Lily and now all I hear about is how many girls he ‘got’ with on the weekend. Sleaze. I wish I never let him become so important to me. I hardly even saw it happening. It’s like a dried up dam and it starts sprinkling little amazing things and you feel better because at least the dam won’t look so dry. Before you know it the dam is overflowing with these little things and you can’t help yourself. In my case, the dam is dried up quicker than ever for no real apparent reason. That’s life, I guess.
I continued through everyday doing the same things. Nothing interesting ever happened, I kept a low profile until yesterday. I was seated in the second row in science by myself to ‘help me with my grades’, but when I walked in to see Beau sitting in the seat next to me I couldn’t do it. I stopped and looked around for Miss. She just pointed to the seat and said he needed to focus better instead of sitting up the back with his friends. I nodded slightly and went and sat down. I continued to roll my eyes whenever he said anything, and close my books and pack up just a bit louder than usual and stormed out. It felt good to be able to feel nothing but hatred for Beau. I wasn’t sure if it was hatred, but it sure felt like it. I didn’t realise how sad I felt till I lied in bed that night. 2am and I was still lying there, thinking. Unable to turn the stupid brain of mine off. That was when I heard my phone ring. I sighed at the thought of another prank call but decided to answer it to keep my mind of things for a bit and maybe have a laugh.
That was exactly what didn’t happen. It wasn’t someone prank calling me, it wasn’t a barrel of laughs. It was Beau. His voice sounded groggy and distant, and I’m sure mine would have sounded the same. He said a slow ‘Hey Bliss’. I wasn’t going to let him get away with this. I swallowed the ball stuck in my throat.
“You do realise it’s 2am, why are you ringing me? You could have woken me up, seriously; stop laughing Beau, it’s not funny!” I screeched quietly into my phone. He continued to laugh for the next 30 seconds. I almost hung up but I heard him clear his voice.
“I missed how funny you are when you’re angry”, he sighed. By then I’d had enough. He was probably drunk with his friends making fun of me no doubt. I hung up. For the next five minutes Beau continued to ring, I was infuriated. I picked up his seventh call to set him straight. Before I could say anything Beau started rambling on, it almost sounded as though he was crying.
“I just- I didn’t know what I was doing, funny; it was supposed to be funny! I didn’t know you and I couldn’t see your face. I didn’t think someone would… die. Dumb, it was so stupid but I was so drunk and –“ suddenly I heard Beau spew.
“Sorry, I just don’t feel too go-“ all of a sudden he cut off and I heard a bang. I listened to hear any signs of life but I couldn’t. Beau was clearly very intoxicated. I weighed my options, go round to his house and see if he was home and he was okay. Stay here and worry all night that he could have died. I grabbed my bike and rode so fast around to Beau’s house. No lights were on except for Beaus, all the cars were gone and the house seemed empty. I pushed on the front door and ran into Beau’s room. There he was, passed out on the floor with a huge gash on his head. He must have hit it on something hard on his way down. I stared for at least 10 seconds and wondered how he could still look so perfect. I then examined the cut and determined he would need an ambulance. The ambulance came and took both Beau and I to hospital. They asked me what happened and I told them, apart from the part where he was rambling on. I then fell asleep in the chair next to Beau, he still hadn’t woken up and I was exhausted.
I felt something grab my hand and my eyes shot open fast. I looked down to see Beau’s hand intertwined with mine. It took me a few minutes to process last night. I looked at Beau to see him smiling at me. Every little progress I had made to get over Beau had now fled straight out the window. I pulled my hand away from Beau’s and looked at him sternly.
“Do you want me to call the nurse?” I spat at him.
“No, just st-stay here for a bit Bliss”, he pleaded. I nodded.
“Beau, what were you talking about last night? You said someone died, and how you were drunk but then you threw up and passed out.” I questioned suspiciously. I watched the little colour Beau still had in his face disappear.
“Oh no, what did I say? I’m so sorry Bliss; if I knew how it was going to end then I wouldn’t have done it. It was a stupid prank! I just thought you were some girl, I don’t know know what I was thinking”, Beau was in hysterics.
“Beau calm down, it’s okay! Whatever you did is okay please just calm down” I demanded. Beau did not calm down, he started to have a fit. I yelled for the nurses and clicked the button to call for one. I had no idea what to do so I just stood there screaming until a bunch of people came in. I was rushed away and sat in a room by myself. It was one of the most terrifying things I had ever seen.
I was told Beau had had a seizure, caused by stress. They asked me what he could be stressed about. I told them what I knew. He was rambling on about someone dying before he started having a fit, other than that I knew nothing. A few days had passed and I wasn’t allowed to go see him in hospital, it drove me crazy wondering what he was talking about. He said I was involved. Nothing clicked. A week later Beau was stable and able to have visitors and I walked in and saw his Jack sitting there. Jack gave me a surprised look and I apologised and said I’d come back later. Just before I was out of sight I heard Beau say my name. I turned around to see Jack and Beau whispering, I could just make out the words.
“Tell her, please I can’t let her leave here without knowing”, Beau squeaked.
“But-“, Beau cut him off.
“Please”, he begged.
Jack asked me to come sit down on the seat next to him. What was going on? What did they have to tell me? My thoughts were interrupted.
“Bliss, I know we don’t really know each other and this is going to be really awful, but Beau wants me to speak for him. Before you get mad, hear him or me out”. I started to get really nervous. I just wanted him to tell me what was going on right now.
“You probably already know but Beau had a seizure caused from stress. The stress was cause by something he didn’t tell you. The night of the accident, when you were abducted it was Beau’s first week in town. We told him he could only hang out in our group if he did something to prove he was cool enough. We we’re all really drunk and we told him he had to kidnap the next girl he saw and drive her and dump her not too far from the road. You were the next girl he saw”.
I felt every muscle in my body tense up. If Beau was the one that captured me, he was the reason for Chase’s death. Jack continued to ramble on but I didn’t hear a word he said. I stopped him mid-sentence.
“You mean to tell me Beau was the reason Chase died?!” I bellowed at Jack. I couldn’t even set my eyes onto Beau.
“Yes but” he tried to continue
“Yes but nothing! You, you killed him”, I murmured. I turned to Beau. He looked up to me with absolute terror in his eyes. I stared at him with abhorrence. I threw up on the floor, wiped my mouth and ran. I ran down the endless halls of the hospital. Nurses and doctors trying to grab me to stop, but I didn’t and I wouldn’t. I kept running all the way to Chase’s grave. I threw myself in a heap and cried.
I screamed, cried and fought for breath for at least an hour. I apologised to Chase over a million times for being the reason he had to be snatched away by death. I thought I was over blaming myself, but I really wasn’t. All this time I thought Chase wouldn’t have minded me dating Beau. All this time I hadn’t even known he was the reason Chase died. He must have been furious. I was impassioned with fury myself. How could Beau have not told me this? Now he is in hospital because of me. Was he trying to make me feel bad? That I had caused him such large stress? I didn’t care at that point. I hated him. I heard voices, and felt hands picking me up and carrying me. But I could not do anything, or say anything. I felt numb, and everything was a blur.
I hadn’t gotten out of bed for at least 4 days, and I didn’t plan too. I trusted Beau, I trusted a lot of people and they had let me down. I felt someone sitting on my bed. My mum had brought in a lot of people to try to get me to talk, but I refused. Until this time. I heard his voice, and my stomach flipped. It was him. I felt sick.
“I trusted you Beau; you were the only one I saw after Chase. You were supposed to always be there for me. You weren’t meant to be the reason he died! How could you not have told me?” I whimpered.
“Bliss! I didn’t know it was you, I didn’t know till the day before I broke up with you. Ryan came to me and showed me a newspaper article saying that the girlfriend of the deceased was abducted and he went looking for her and that’s when he had the accident. Everyone just thinks Chase crashed from driving drunk, that’s what I thought. I didn’t put the two together until I read the newspaper article! I promise”, Beau sniffled. I didn’t know what to think. Was he lying? Maybe he wasn’t. I didn’t know.
“You’re lying to me”, I stuttered. Beau looked absolutely horrified. I didn’t believe what I said but I said it anyway.
“I know nothing I say will make you believe me; but it’s true. I didn’t know how to tell you Bliss, I couldn’t. I just thought it would be easier to cut off all contact, and maybe someone would tell you down the track. But it didn’t happen – then I was seated next to you in science and I couldn’t cope. It was one of the happiest and saddest moments of my life Bliss. I was so happy to be near you again, but so sad because I knew things would never be the same.” He put his hands over his face and sighed.
“You know all the right things to say Beau. That’s why I don’t trust you. You can come here after days of planning of how you can get out of this. You’ve done it before, but I won’t let it happen again. But you can’t sit there and tell me what your hearts really saying, and that’s what sucks”, I looked deeply into his eyes. They looked sad, but I was still angry and confused.
“So nothing I say will make you believe me?” he asked.
I croaked out, “I believe you. I just don’t trust you. You broke me Beau; you can never come back from that.”
He nodded. I knew he wouldn’t say anything after that. We didn’t say anything for 5 minutes. I just stared at the roof blocking out his presence. I heard him get up and come over to me. He kissed me on the forehead and said a quiet sorry. It sounded and felt real, but it wouldn’t be the first time I’d been fooled.
That afternoon my mum told me she had been offered another job 3 hours away. She told me she didn’t have to take it, but if I was comfortable with moving and changing schools then it would be a great opportunity. I needed time to think so I went to Chase’s grave. I told him all about Beau and asked what he thought about me moving away. I felt his presence and smiled. I thanked him, left the flowers propped nicely and walked away.
“Mum”, I preached walking through the door.
“Yes Bliss, what’s wrong?!”, she looked worried.
“Nothing, I’ve just been thinking about your new job. I want you to take it. I want to start fresh, go to a new school and I want you to be happy.” I told her. She ran over and gave me a huge hug.
“I’m so glad you said that Bliss, I think it will be a great new start for the both of us”. I smiled at the thought of being away from every familiar face and every bad memory.
My last day in town was horrific. I never thought this many people would care about me moving. I got thrown a huge going away party, with over 300 people last night. I got presents and letters and lots of good lucks. It was exhausting! I got hug after hug, more tears and even a good-bye from Enya, even though she looked happy to see me leave it was nice. The only person I didn’t see was Beau. I hadn’t seen him for two weeks and I decided I didn’t want to leave on bad terms, but being stubborn Bliss, I wasn’t looking for him; he had to come for me.
In two hours, I was leaving for the bus and I still hadn’t seen Beau. I’d visited Chase’s grave and left a huge amount of flowers and told him I’d visit whenever I could. Both my parents were still out buying things and I was home alone. I heard a knock on the door and thought it would be them so I casually opened the door. You guessed it, it was Beau. Before I could even say anything he stormed through the door and into the lounge room. He looked stressed.
“Bliss, don’t leave please. I don’t, I’m sorry! I haven’t rehearsed this, I wasn’t even going to come because I couldn’t think of anything to say to you. I’m sorry okay! I know everything I did to you was wrong and I’d take it all back if I could! After we broke up I latched myself onto every girl that showed interest so I could forget about you. It didn’t work it just made me more lonely. I can’t even, I don’t know what to do without you. You made me feel something I’ve never felt for anyone before and now you’re going, just leaving” he almost started screaming.
“I need you Bliss, I need you so bad. I’m sorry! I’m so sorry”, he was almost curled up on my lounge at this point.
I wrapped both my arms around him and said.
“Beau, not everyone in your life is meant to stay”. He recognized where these words had come from and he smiled.
“You can’t use my own words on me, Bliss” he said grinning. I did love Beau, regardless of what had happened, but we could never be together.
We sat holding each other and he told me everything. From the bottom of his heart, Beau actually opened up, this time it was real. He begged, pleaded did everything in his power to convince me not to go but I stood ground. My mum messaged me saying she’d be home in half an hour to pick me up and we could go to the bus. I showed Beau and his face dropped.
“I love you Bliss, I really do”, he wept.
“I love you too Beau, but this is how it is. You’re going to leave this house, and you’re going to remember every good moment we had together and you’re going to forget the rest okay.”
He nodded but I could still see he was upset. We engaged in the most intense hug and as we both pulled away he snuck a kiss. A goodbye kiss. We said our goodbyes and he left, just like that.
My new school was about the same size as my old school, but the uniform was a lot better. Everyone was really welcoming and nice and I’d made friends in just 2 days. There were lots to do in the town and my mum seemed a lot happier when she got home from work. I did have one unfortunate accident when I almost got run over my second day, but a boy pushed me out of the way. Did I mention he was extremely good looking? His name was Will, short for William. I googled what William meant that night William – the protector. Coincidence? I think not!