It couldn't be.
It just couldn't.
What was Ahsan doing in my brother's yearbook?
Perhaps Ahsan had a twin?
No, no. Surely a twin would have been in at least one of the photos his mother had given me.
This was just a doppelganger, a lookalike.
I stared at the photo of five young men, clad in crisp, white medical coats. Most of them were smiling except for the one who had stuffed his fists in his pockets.
He looked eerily familiar.
"Oh, from our white coat ceremony?" Hydar turned his head at an angle, giving me the briefest of glances at my odd behavior. "Uhm, which person? There are five of us in the picture."
I tried to steady my pointer finger as I pointed to the one with the darkest eyes. "Him."
"Oh, Ahsan?" Hydar waved his hand casually. "He was a good friend of mine."
I froze.
"W-what...what do you mean was?"
"Well, I mean, I haven't spoken to him in a couple of years. He wasn't big on social media and his cell phone number doesn't even work anymore."
Oh no...
How do I keep interrogating him without seeming suspicious?
I feigned a cough to clear my throat. "How many years has it been exactly?"
"Maybe two or three years." Hydar's face scrunched up as he thought about it. "Why?"
I ignored his inquiry. "If he was your friend, how come you've never brought him over like you did with your other friends?"
"I rarely brought anybody over here," Hydar said slowly, raising an eyebrow. "We all had apartments near campus and I couldn't come home much due to my old schedule. Plus, Ahsan didn't like to go out much like the other guys. He was more quiet and reserved."
"Oh." Dread consumed me as I anticipated the identity of this mysterious Ahsan lookalike. "Why do you think he was like that?"
"Eh, I don't know exactly." He shrugged. "The last time I spoke to him, I think he said something about quitting med school because the rest of his family was back in Syria and he had some issues there. I guess his situation then is not much different from my own now."
Oh, you have no idea.
Hydar's words were gradually proving my gut feeling to be true, but I was still skeptical. "So if he was so reserved and quiet, what made you two become friends?"
"We first met at a study session and he was a mentor. He didn't talk a whole lot then, but when he did, he seemed really intelligent. I heard he was a few years ahead, too. Apparently, he finished his bachelor's degree really early and got a head start in med school. He's also a couple of years older than me. Ahsan didn't have a whole lot of friends, though. I guess people mistook his silence for arrogance. Overall, he was a nice guy, but often misunderstood."
I stared at Hydar with disbelief. There were too many coincidences. "Was he always so reserved?"
"Pretty much." Hydar looked bored with the conversation until his eyes brightened. "Oh, wait! There was this one time, literally once, when he stepped out of his usual behavior completely and shocked us all!"
"What?" I asked frantically. "What happened?"
"After finals, my whole study group - there were about twenty of us - went out for dinner. I persuaded Ahsan to join us as well. Anyway, we were on our way towards the subway to come back to campus, and the station was in a run-down area. The girls in our group were walking ahead of us and some random guys catcalled them for five minutes straight. Then, out of nowhere, Ahsan ran up, pushed the girls out of the way, and utterly knocked out all of those guys. It was like something straight out of a Bollywood movie! All of them had bloody noses and I'm pretty sure some of them had dislocated jaws. It happened off-campus and it was never reported, so he didn't face any consequences. The rest of us were too stunned to do or say anything. The girls were even too freaked out to even thank Ahsan."
Bingo.
The Ahsan that Hydar was speaking of and the Ahsan I was thinking of was the same person.
"Why are you so curious about him?" Hydar asked, breaking me away from my reverie, and smirked slightly. "You think he's cute? Maybe I can ask around for his contact info and I can set you two up."
I swallowed hard, blinking away hot tears. "N-no need for that n-now," I told him, falling to the ground next to where he was seated.
"Hey, did I say something wrong?" He gently pried my hands away from my face. "What's the matter?"
"H-haven't you watched the news lately?"
He scoffed lightly. "I haven't even checked any social media site in the past week, let alone watch the news."
After wiping my eyes with the heels of my hands, I knelt until I was just below his eye level. Angling his laptop to face me, I took my time to type, Ahsan Razak, in the search bar. The webpage loaded rather quickly with over a million hits. I clicked on the topmost news article and turned the laptop back to my brother, motioning for him to read. I watched Hydar intently, observing his blank expression slowly morph into one of horror. After staring at the photos of the fourteen executed militants that were accompanied by the pictures of the hostages, which included myself, Hydar turned his head to face me.
He roughly ran his hands through his hair, resting his elbows on his desk and holding up his head. "He...you...I've run out of words!"
"He wasn't as bad as the others, really," I managed to mumble, having trouble saying his name out loud. "He just repented too late."
Hydar glanced at me with uncertainty. "You know, I can't fully accept that until you tell me your side of the story."
"Okay," I said after a moment. "But you can't interrupt or ask anything until I'm done. Just listen."
He agreed, nodding. "Just as long as I get the unabridged version."
"You'll be sitting here for a while though."
"Fine by me," he said, getting up and plopping on the foot of his bed. "If this is gonna take some time, might as well sit somewhere comfortable."
I followed him, sitting on the opposite side and tucking my legs under me. "Don't you have a research paper to do or something?"
"Eh, screw it. You're more important." Hydar waved his hand aimlessly, and gave me a small, crooked grin. "Plus, I'm a genius; I can get that paper done in no time afterwards."
If I was feeling my usual self, I would have at least smiled at that. I just didn't have the heart to show any positive emotion. His face grew serious as he sensed that I was struggling to find words.
I told my older brother everything, from the emotionless phone call I had with mama at the airport to my dead emotions after Ahsan had been hung. I told him about everything in between. I told him about the Yassar and Rafaa, and their family's hospitality. I told him about the school children and the massacre. I told him about having been drugged and then waking up in a damp cave with Rafaa and about half of the children. I told him about how Faizan had killed children as a means to get me to accept an alliance with Ahsan. I told him about Ahsan's odd behavior when he had helped me, albeit in a distant, cold manner.
I told him about all of the civilians at the church's sanctuary. I told him about Shudun and her wretched business of buying and selling people. I told him about Zaakhir's hatred towards all non-Muslims and how he had almost raped me. I told him about how Ahsan had given me a baby boy to watch and that I had called him Saad. I told him that Ahsan had helped me during the time of my period, but I did not delve into details of that incident. I told him about the time Faizan had made me watch homosexual men being thrown down from a building simply because of their sexuality.
I told him about how the dungeons in the church had WiFi access when Ahsan had shown me the interview of our parents. I told him about how Ahsan became considerably nicer to me afterwards. I told him about Tala and how she was raped often, but strived to find her missing younger sister, Yara. I told him about how the militants destroyed historic sites under Faizan's orders. I told him how I had stopped Ahsan from crushing gravestones. I told him how Tala had been desperate to escape and had loosened the cinder blocks in the dungeon wall. I told him how we had been so close to freedom when Faizan had caught us and ordered for us to be flogged.
I told him how Ahsan had stitched up my wounds and made sure they had healed properly before taking out the stitches. I told him how Ahsan had revealed little bits of his life over time and told me that he had missed his mother. I told him how Ahsan's mother had scolded him for falling in step with terrorists. I told him how Ahsan had cried upon our return to the dungeon. I told him about what had happened to Ahsan's sister, Du'aa. I told him about the time when Faizan had grabbed my hand while I had gripped a spoon, and jammed it into Aqsa's eye sockets. I told him of how I had found Rafaa lying on a dirty floor in a distant dungeon room. I told him about Rafaa's confession and betrayal. I told him that Faizan had killed her and then had decided to tell me that Ahsan, his younger brother, had been following his orders.
I told him that Faizan had shot my Saad right in the middle of his little forehead. I told him that I had lashed out at Ahsan before he had left the room, and then aimed his abandoned rifle at myself, only to find out that it was not loaded. I told him about Ahsan's confession and how he had chosen to follow Faizan's orders - even when that meant he had to flog me - because his older brother would have killed me otherwise. I told him of how Ahsan had killed Faizan. I told him that he had wanted to escape with a handful of people, but wanted to drop me off at the Turkish embassy. I told him how Ahsan had wanted me to tell the truth to authorities in case our plan did not work out. I told him that we were caught and separated by American soldiers. I told him that I had been thoroughly questioned and physically examined. I told him that the soldiers had confirmed my identity and contacted Nat and Marc. I told him that my friends had filled me in of all that had happened while I was in Syria.
I told him how I had found out about Ahsan's execution. I told him that I had begged to see Ahsan one last time in prison. I told him that Ahsan was hopeful for my future even though I was not. Then, I told him that I had watched Ahsan breathe his last as he dangled from a thick rope. I told him that I cried and cried. I told him that I had seen Ahsan's mother at the airport. I told him that she had given me Ahsan's Quran and some photos of him.
"You know the rest," I told Hydar solemnly. The moon had made its way to the sky after I had finished speaking.
"I don't even know what to say." My older brother simply stared at me for a moment. "You were almost raped, you were flogged, and you were nearly killed!"
I tried to hide the disappointment on my face, but failed to do so. "You...you don't believe me?"
"Of course I do!" Hydar bellowed, appalled that I had even asked such a thing. "I'm just...angry that you went through all of that alone." When I didn't say anything in response, he asked me quietly, "How are you feeling now?"
"Dead. I'm a living corpse," I replied dully, when a sudden desire to unleash my bottled feelings was born. "Those devils destroyed a whole church, and starved and killed a bunch of people simply because they were all from minority groups. How stupid is that! Then there was Tala, she's only nineteen! She had been raped and gang-raped multiple times over the course of two years, but she kept fighting through it all in the hopes that she could be reunited with Yara. Those monsters beheaded Yara right before Tala was flogged! That little girl's head was swaying side-to-side and I saw it all.
"Hydar, I haven't slept properly for the past month since I came back. Every night, I think about everything I had gone through up to this point. I think about those children. If I had never showed up there, they'd all still be alive today! Years ago, I would vomit at the sight and scent of blood, but I was surrounded by blood for the longest time. I cried when I had witnessed those three little children murdered at the cave, but as time went along, I became utterly desensitized. Death and cruelty hardly affected me until I saw...until I saw my Saad shot right in front of me. I couldn't believe it! I didn't know some people out there could be so heartless and inhumane to kill a child! He couldn't have been older than two, Hydar! His blood was all over the floor and on my hands. That monster held him upside down and the blood from his dead kept dripping and dripping."
I paused as I was about to speak of the most recent incident. "I...don't know if it's right or wrong, but I always think about him." I began to sob. "I always manage to find Ahsan in a bit of everything. Out of all the Qurans we have in this house, I only read from his Quran because a part of him is there. I spend my time staring at his photos and crying when I think of what could have been. Even now, I was thinking that if he had never gone to Syria, if he had stayed here, we could have possibly met through you. We would have been under normal circumstances, and we would have been happy, and...and..." I let that sentence linger in the air.
Hydar dragged himself over by his knees and responded by pulling me into a bear hug and I cried into his chest.
"Hydar, dinner has been set for ten minutes now." A voice came from down the hallway. "Come down and-" My mother paused when she laid eyes on me and she softened her tone. "Dinner is ready," she mumbled quietly before exiting the room. I turned back to my brother.
"You won't tell anyone, right?" I asked in a muffled voice once I knew my mother was out of earshot.
"You don't want me to?"
"No," I admitted, wiping my eyes, relieved that I was able to tell somebody everything that was jumbled in my head. My mother was just getting used to the fact that her daughter had returned. However, what my mother didn't know was that though her daughter was nearby, she was still rather distant. "Especially our parents. You can tell Hamad if you want though."
"Uh, no. He doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut." Hydar scoffed and rolled his eyes as he got off of the bed. "Come on, let's go eat something."
"Hydar," I blurted as I followed him. "I'm scared."
He paused at the doorway and turned around. "Of what?"
"Everything."
His face grew sympathetic but I could tell he didn't really know how to help me. I couldn't blame him. Nobody knew how to deal with a broken person. "In just about a month, you'll begin your classes. Doing the best you can while focusing on assignments and exams will help you get back on track slowly. It'll be hard, but you really need to try." He planted a kiss on the top of my head before motioning for me to come downstairs with him.
His words should have helped me to feel slightly better, but it did not because I was instantly reminded of Ahsan, who had told me the same thing too.
***
December made its way into the year and I still found myself stuck on the nineteenth of October. Pristine, white flakes covered the earth and from my window, I watched them descend from the bleak, pale sky. Some snowflakes were stuck on the glass and I observed their short-lived existences. Once the flakes had situated themselves on the glass, the warmth from within my room had pervaded to the outside just a bit. The snowflakes were gone just like that, just like people.
It came to the point where, in my head, I had simply imagined the past year, that it was all just one dream I had slept through. In my head, Tala, Yassar, Rafaa, Saad, Zaakhir, Faizan, Ahsan were all just figments of my imagination. But then I would remember Hydar's yearbook and Ahsan's photos. They were all proof that those ten months weren't just a fabrication of my mind. Ever since I learned that a more normal Ahsan - the Ahsan who had existed before he had gone to Syria - had slipped away from my fingertips, I resorted to solitary confinement. I did not leave the house, except for the time I had to renew my driver's license, and I had seldom left my own room. My brothers would often bring food upstairs because I was adamant on being bedridden. My parents did not know what to do, especially since I had politely turned down their suggestion of seeking help.
I was becoming mad, crazy.
I would often sit around and become angry at myself for not doing more to save the people I had come across. If only I had shut my stupid mouth and complied to Faizan's demands, Jamael, Sadah and Rania would all have been alive today. If only I had strongly persuaded Tala that running away was an impractical idea, she would not have to see her little sister beheaded before her very eyes. If only I had been quiet, Saad would not have had cried so loudly, and he would not have been slaughtered, and treated like trash.
If only, if only, if only!
I was guilty of it all.
I tried so hard to live my life as I had before I had gone to Jordan, but it did not work. It was the holiday season and so many people were joyful with pleasant smiles. I couldn't bring myself to feel the same way because joy and smiles were forcefully robbed from me.
I need to get out of this house.
I needed to go outside for some time and get away from the madness in my head. I needed to fit in to society once again. I needed to go.
After rummaging through my closet, I threw on my jeans, a sweater, a pair of leg warmers and boots, and my peacoat and inspected myself in my mirror. I looked normal enough. As long as nobody would be able to tell that I had miraculously escaped from clutches of the most dangerous extremist group in the world today, I would be fine. Though I had planned to sneak out of the house without anybody noticing, which was easy enough since both of my parents were still at work, Hydar happened to stroll along the foyer just when I had reached the bottom of the stairs.
He was taken aback by my abrupt presence outside of my room. "Where are you off to?"
"Uhm, the park?" I told him with uncertainty laced in my voice. Even I had no idea where I would be going.
"Oh," he said, watching me carefully. "Want me to drop you off?"
"No," I replied hastily. "I'll drive."
"Is everything okay?" He asked out of nowhere.
"Of course." Please let me go. "I just wanted to go outside for a bit."
"Alright then. Do you have your phone on you?" He asked and I nodded. "Okay, call me if you need anything."
"Will do." I took slow, casual steps towards the front door and after I had locked it, I sped towards my car.
Gazing straight ahead, I was only partially aware of the world outside, ignoring the clicking sounds coming from the vehicle. My mind was debating on where I should go, the park or maybe the mall? I hadn't brought any money, with me, but maybe it would be nice to just aimlessly window-shop. It would be nice to see the shops decorated with holiday lights, tinsel and ornaments. Although it would hurt me, maybe it would be nice to see small children gleefully eye their favorite toys, to watch significant others stare at all of the selections of jewelry, to see people genuinely happy.
The mall it is, then.
However, my car had other plans.
The vehicle shook and vibrated, and I slowed down to pull over near some street shops, panicking. Apart from actually driving, I never knew how to deal with cars. I shut off the engine and stepped outside, pulling the ends of my crocheted cap over my ears after the sudden burst of cold wind. After unlatching the hood of the car, I leaned over it, waiting for something to explode in my face. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be looking for, but it seemed that every time something was wrong with a vehicle, people would first check under the hood.
I was simply clueless and after contemplating my next move, I eventually decided to ask somebody from one of the shops for assistance. Just as I was about to turn around, a hooded figure tapped me on the shoulder and my heart got caught in my throat.