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-Musicislifee
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Time: 4:30 p.m.
Date: Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Location: Chris's place
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Love-n- A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
Crush-n- The object of such an infatuation.
♛ C H R I S ♛
This feeling is something I can't shake, the fact that I'm crushing hard on one girl and still in love with the other is pissing me off. I know that love is stronger than a crush, but not when the one you love is constantly pissing you off and pushing you away. Talking to Hathor the other night gave me a feeling I have never felt before, not even with Rhi. Talking to her and telling her about my past with her not judging me felt so damn good. Then her attitude just screams independent and that is a huge ass turn on. I really starting to like her a lot and I know Ty likes her way more than I do and I promise I'm not trying to take her away from him, but I can't help my feelings.
I love Robyn so much and I'm trying to get over her, but we somehow always end up back together. I swear I love her and everything about her, and I try so hard to make her happy, but nothing is ever good enough for her. One minute everything is peaches and cream then the next she's down my throat, and to top it all off, whenever we're having a heated argument she throws what happened years ago in my face.
Now here I am thrusting in and out of her while thinking of Hathor. I don't know how we ended up in my bed doing this, but I know I'm just going to regret it as soon as she leaves.
"...Shit..." I groaned.
I released all my kids into the yellow latex condom as she held onto my body releasing with me. I pulled myself out of her and rolled off her. I looked up at the ceiling, wiping the sweat off my forehead. I turned my head and looked over to see Robyn putting on her clothes.
This is like an everyday thing. She comes over, we fuck, and then she leaves. She tells me she loves me but she does this and it's hard. It just feels like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone. Hathor is looking good more and more every day. I got up and threw the condom away, then sat back down on my bed.
I watched as she grabbed her phone and walked over to me.
"I really do love you Chris."
"Then why do you do this shit? You come over her fuck me, tell me you love me, and then leave like I'm some kind of one night stand," I stressed.
"I wouldn't tell a one night stand that I love them," she said smiling.
And there it is the thing that draws me in all the time, her smile. Her smile makes my insides melt, my palms sweaty, and my thoughts clouded. That's just her smile! I love this girl with every fiber in my body, but I don't know if I can do this.
"I'm not playin around Robyn, I love you and you say you love me, but yet all you do is fuck me. You won't let me take you out, you never stay after we have sex, and you never look me in my eyes when you say you love me."
She sat down next to me and put her hand on my thigh.
"Look Chris, I do love you but we're not meant to be together. The sex is great, we have great communication most of the time, and we've had a lot of fun times, but when were labeled as a couple we get agitated with each other and bump heads. The last thing I want is for what happened some years ago to happen again, so it's best we just stay close friends with benefits."
And there that is, the stupid accusation she thinks every time we get in an argument. I have apologized to her over a million times, I haven't laid one finger on her in a negative way, and I make love to her every night. I don't know why she keeps bringing it up, and it pains me every time she does. That was the biggest mistake of my life, the darkest time of my life, and the pit fall of my career. I don't know what else to do to keep her and I don't think I want to.
"Get out Rihanna," I said pointing to the door.
"What?"
"Get out; all you do is bring that shit up whenever we don't see eye to eye and that shit is fuckin annoying! I've apologized to you so many times, but yet you always throw it in my face like I constantly hit you on a daily basis! If you don't want to be with me then fine don't, but don't bring up that shit unless you want me to beat your ass again! I don't want to see you, talk to you, be near you, none of that shit anymore! We and whatever the hell we had are finished cause I can't deal with this shit," I yelled.
"Chris I-" I stopped her.
I don't want to hear what she has to say cause then I'll just fall right back into her trap and I don't need that happening. It's time to let go and find someone who is willing to accept my flaws and my past and not judge me or throw it in my face. It's time to pursue Hathor.
I stood up and walked her to the door. She turned and faced me and gave me a quick kiss.
"I'm so sorry Christopher."
I just nodded my head as she went to her car. I closed my door and walked back into my room. I need to talk to somebody about this shit, but I don't trust a therapist. I don't want to talk to anyone from OHB about this cause they won't understand. I know who I want to talk to, but I don't know how she'd feel about knowing so much about me when we don't know much about each other. I know I can trust her and not have her judge me, but I don't think she'd take to kindly to my past and what I've been through if I fully explain. I really need to get this shit out so I'm just going to say 'fuck it'.
I pulled out my phone and clicked on Hathor's name.
Me: I don't know what you're doing right now but if you're not busy, would you mind droppin through?
She didn't text me back for a full ten minutes.
GoddessH: What for? I'm not some sort of booty call Christopher. Plus I'm out with Michael right now.
Of course she's with him. After their little lunch thing, Ty came over here talking about how good of a time they had and how she opened up a little bit to him. I was happy that he found a girl that made him happy, because Chy wasn't cutting it, but I'm mad because it's my girl making him happy. He hasn't even told her that he's a famous rapper yet, I know she isn't going to like that he left that huge part out when they met.
Me: I just want to talk and get a few things off my chest. I really need to talk to someone and you're the only one I know who won't judge me.
GoddessH: Alright fine, do you mind if Michael comes with me?
Do I mind? Do I mind? YES I FREAKIN MIND!
Me: Actually yes, this is something I don't want to share with more than one person. Please Hathor?
GoddessH: Okay I'll be there in 30 minutes.
Me: Thank you.
I'm glad that she agreed because I don't know how much longer and I can hold this in. It's not like I have to tell her something mind blowing or important, but I need to explain to someone why I did what I did. I tried to explain it to Rhi, but she wasn't having it.
I put my phone down and went to my bathroom. I did the hygiene thing, and got dressed in a pairs of basketball shorts and socks. I changed the sheets on my bed and sprayed some Febreeze; I didn't want the stench of sex lingering in the air.
One thing I know about Hathor is that she's ALWAYS on time. I looked at the clock and it read 5:24 so she'd be here in a minute. I walked up to the door and opened it just as she raised her hand to knock.
"How'd you know I was here?" She smiled.
"You're never late," I smiled back closing the door behind her.
We both sat down on the couch in my living room and looked at each other for a moment.
"I don't even know how to begin my story but I do want you to promise me a few things," I said turning my body toward her.
"What?"
"Promise me that you won't judge me for the mistakes I've made, promise me your vision of me won't change, and promise me you will never let a man do what I once did to you," I said with all seriousness.
"Chris I can only promise two out of those three, but you have to talk now cause I have to go to work."
I sighed and laid my head down in her lap. When we hung out the other day she told me she likes to play in my curls, so every time we're just sitting around I lay my head in her lap and she plays in my curls.
"I was seven and my dad had just come home drunk once again for the billionth time this month. Ever since he got laid off he's been drinking a lot more. My mom told me he was just going through adult things and it would take a lot of time for him to get over it, but I wasn't stupid. I knew my father was drunk and I knew it was because he didn't have a job. Every time he came home like this, my mom would put me on my room and lock the door. She said it was so I wouldn't have to see him like that, but I also knew it was because she didn't want me to see him give her fresh bruises for her to cover up. "
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Time: 6:45 p.m.
Date: Sunday, May 5, 1996
Location: Chris' father's place.
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♛ C H R I S ♛
I was sitting down in the living room playing with my new toy truck I just got for my birthday, while my mom was making dinner.
"Chris baby, go get washed up for dinner."
"Yes ma'am."
I got up and ran to the bathroom, washing my hands. I went into the kitchen and sat down at the table as my mom set my plate down in front of me.
"I made your favorites since it's your birthday," she said smiling.
I gave her a big smile back and blessed my food just as she taught me when I was 5. We were enjoying our food, when we heard the front door open followed by a loud crash.
My mom quickly got up from the table and I followed right behind her. My dad was standing by the front door next to a broken vase. He hadn't been here all day, and this is how I see him, drunk on my birthday.
"Baby, g-" She was cut off by my dad.
"J-Joyce where the h-hell is my dinn-er!" He yelled slurring his words.
My mom rushed to close the front door, then turned in faced my dad.
"Where the hell have you been? Today is your son's birthday or did you forget that?" She placed her hands on her hips and my father looked at me with pure disgust.
"W-why should I have be-en here t-today? He's p-prob-baly not even miiine," he slurred.
As soon as he said that my mom slapped him across the face with all her might. My eyes widened at the sight of that, but then I grew scared as I saw the look on my father's face.
"Don't you EVER deny Chris as you child!" She pointed her finger in his face.
What happened next is what I was afraid of.
He looked at me, then at my mother and smiled. He walked up to me, taking off his belt, smiling the whole time. I turned to run but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. I looked up at him with fear and hatred in my eyes as he swung his arm back and hit me across my back as hard as he could.
I screamed out in pain and I heard my mother screaming for him to stop, but he didn't. He just kept going, hitting me all over my body leaving huge welts in my skin. When he saw the blood coming from my face where he'd just hit me, he dropped the belt and walked over to my mother. She was motioning for me to go to my room, but I couldn't move, I was in too much pain to even close my eyes.
He grabbed her by her neck and slammed her against the wall with his hands tightly wrapped around her neck. I wanted to yell and scream for him to stop but I couldn't. Once she turned purple he stopped and punched her in the face over and over again. He pushed her onto the ground and started kicking her in her sides, then one good kick to the face. He then grabbed a handful of her hair and dragged her closer to me then threw her head back, making her bang her head on our wooden floor. He stood over her unbuckling his pants while looking at me.
"Son, when you have sex with a woman make sure you do it right," he smiled.
I was looking at my mom and she was looking at me with tears running down her eyes. They weren't tears because she was about to get raped, they were tears because I had no choice but to watch. I swear I tried to close my eyes, but I couldn't. I laid there and held my mother's hand as he raped her, I felt the warm tears running down my face and my mother tried to wipe every single one of them.
When he finished he spit on her and went to the back. My mom slowly sat up, wincing in pain, and cradled me in her arms. We cried all night together, and that continued on for the next 9 years.
I had turned 16, I had just been discovered, and I was tired of his bullshit. So one night he came home drunk and I tackled him to the floor. I hit him in the face repeatedly with no mercy. My mother tried to pull me off him and I didn't understand why? Why was she trying to help a man that beat her for over 10 years? Why was she trying to save a man that beat me for 9? I looked at his swollen face and got up; I turned to my mom and shrugged my shoulders.
"I was tired," was all I said before going back in my room.
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Time: 6:18 p.m.
Date: Wednesday, October 23 , 2013
Location: Chris's place
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♛ C H R I S ♛
"That night he left and never came back. I haven't seen him in 8 years and I don't plan on ever seeing him. What he did to us for all those years was a bitch made move and proved he wasn't a man for nothing. He was a sorry excuse for a black man and a father and I will never forgive him for what he did," I explained.
I looked up at Hathor who had a mix of hate, sadness, and sympathy in her eyes.
"Why'd you beat your ex?" She looked down at me.
I looked into her eyes and figured she really didn't want to know, but asked because she knows I need to tell someone.
"Hathor," I sat up, "if I were to tell you I know it'd make you unhappy and you'd hate me. Just know that I felt like shit when I hit her and I felt like I was becoming like my father. It wasn't a good feeling at all, especially since my mom was disappointed in me. She didn't compare me to my father, but I know she was afraid of me turning out to be like him and so was I. I just want you to know that I will never become that boy and I have the up most respect for women. If I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat but I can't, and I pray to God every day asking for his forgiveness."
"Chris, I....don't know what to say. I'm sorry about what happened to you and your mother all those years ago and I swear I'm not going to judge you. I can only imagine what it was like listening to your mom get beat every night, then experiencing the beating yourself and your own mother's rape? Yea you beat your ex, but you didn't runaway and hide, you apologized to her and the world even though you didn't have to apologize to the world. That just proves you are way more of a man than your father could ever be. I can't say that my vision of you didn't change just a tad bit, but it changed in a good way. Chris I understand completely what it's like to go through something traumatic as a child, trust me I do, but the fact that you never stopped doing what you love because of all the hate people threw and throw at you is amazing. You truly are a man Chris and don't ever compare yourself to that man that was once your father."
She smiled at me and I pulled her into a hug. See this is why I like Hathor, she didn't judge me at all; she even said I was amazing. My feelings for her are growing stronger, and I don't know what to do.
She pulled out of the hug and looked down at her phone.
"I have to go Chris, but I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me that. Stop by the club or call me or text me whenever you want to talk to someone and not be judged. I promise I'll be there for you anytime," she stood up and headed to the door.
I walked behind her, watching her ass move in her black sweats. She looks so good in everything she wears, and then the fact that she doesn't wear make-up is great too. Natural beauty is the best beauty. She turned and faced me then gave me a kiss on my cheek. I smiled and looked down at her.
"Thanks for being there for me Hathor; I have no idea what I would do without you."
"It's good Chris and you'd do just fine without me, like you've been doing for the past 8 years."
We smiled at each other and I watched as she got in Ty's car. I closed my door and went back in my room. I'm upset that she brought him along with her, but I guess I can't do anything about it. Talking to Hathor really lifted some stress off my shoulders. I swear Hathor's voice alone makes Cj stand up.
Right now my heart is with Rhi but, I don't know how much longer it'll stay before it goes with Hathor. I mean Hathor's perfect wifey material, while Robyn is perfect fuck and duck material. Sitting back and thinking about it, I don't know what I ever saw in Robyn or what I still see in her, but the feelings are dissolving fast.
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-Musicislifee