"Ace was right. You stink." Big, innocent brown eyes gaze up at me, and a small pink tongue shoots out to cover my face with dog saliva. "Yuck! I don't know where you're tongue has been. Don't do that!"
A fall breeze slips through the front door right before I close it, and a shiver races up my back, making me shake my arms to get rid of the weird feeling. I look around the entrance, and the puppy scrambles out of my grip to go exploring.
His matted fur is grimy and plastered with mud. It sticks close to him, highlighting the ribs poking through his skin. Poor thing. He looks so sick. He waddles across the hardwood floor, nails clicking rhythmically. His tail is tucked slightly under him, and his nose is stuck high in the air. The puppy freezes with his back facing me, stands extremely still, and falls sideways.
I screech and run to him. Kneeling down, I lift him into my arms. Oh gosh! He's dead! He's dead! I'm panicking and hyperventilating, my breath sputtering out brokenly. With closed eyes, the puppy lays stiffly in my arms. He doesn't move, and I feel tears collecting in my eyes.
As the first tear falls, movement in the hallway draws my attention. A cat comes into view. It's Ares. I cringe back slightly as she approaches. My first instinct is to run from the evil feline, but then I remember the dead puppy in my arms. Ares strolls towards me slowly, tail flicking in an irritated manner. Oh, no. Nothing is worse than an angry Ares. She stops beside me, and calculating eyes glare at me, while her ears flatten against her skull. She looks at the German Shepherd in my embrace, leans forward, and sniffs him. I stare in horror.
She's going to eat him!
I crawl backwards, trying to be quiet. Ares's head tilts, and she raises a paw. I'm dead. Her paw flies forward at a fast rate, and I squeeze my eyes shut, anticipating the horrendous pain of cat claws. Nothing happens. No shredded skin. No piercing claws.
I open one eye. Ares is repeatedly whacking the puppy's head, causing it to bounce up and down. She's desecrating the dead! Right as I'm about to jerk the puppy away, his eyes pop open and he stares wide-eyed at the demonic cat.
"You're alive!" I squeal happily and hug him tightly. "You horrible little trickster! I almost had a heart attack." He peers up at me innocently and I coo at the cuteness. Then his focus switches to the feline when she steps on his scrawny tail. I glare at the action, but the puppy just starts to thump his tail excitedly. He hops off my lap and shoves his face into Ares's. I gasp in fear of her reaction, and my hands inch forward to rescue him, but they stop when Ares hisses at me.
The puppy yips at the feline, but she doesn't flinch. Instead, she shocks me by standing face-to-face with the pup, biting his neck scruff, and beginning to drag him across the wooden floor. My jaw unhinges, and I follow the weird cat to the living room where she tugs the dog to a blanket lying on the ground. My shock worsens when she starts to lick his fur. Well, then.
I'm flabbergasted by her motherly instincts, but when the surprise evaporates, I walk towards the duo to get the puppy for a real bath. As soon as I'm about to pick him up, Ares attacks. My hand shoots back to my side, four red lines marring the skin.
"Ow!" I watch as blood bubbles to the surface of my new battle wounds and whimper slightly. My vision turns to my enemy, and I say, "Fine. You win this one, Ares. However, I still need to feed him." She hisses and lets out an unearthly yowl, and I take that as my cue to leave.
Entering the kitchen, I open each cabinet. Hmm. What do I feed him? Well, if Ares isn't going to let me take care of him, then she can give him her food. I nod in agreement to my reasoning and fill a spare bowl with cat food. Better soften it some. So I turn on the faucet and moisten the food.
With a bowl of water and a bowl of food in hand, I return to the living room to find that the puppy is now exploring under Ares's watchful gaze. He sees me and scrambles over, tripping on a pillow on the way. I giggle, and his tail wags. When he reaches me, I place both bowls on the ground and watch amused as he devours the food. I notice Ares coming, so I yank the dog and food bowl into my arms and sprint towards the stairs.
An aggravated meow follows me, and I look over my shoulder to see Ares on a warpath. I quicken my pace and my pulse increases. I'm heaving for air by the time I reach the top floor. Thinking I'm safe, I slow down and stop altogether. But my sense of security vanishes when I hear a hiss from behind. I turn on my heels and stare into the monster's eyes. I'm being chased by a possessive cat who is angry because I stole her surrogate kitten. Ares takes a step, and I judge the distance to my safe haven, my room. She steps again, and my body jolts forward with one destination in mind.
I burst through the doorway and slam the door shut behind me. "We're safe, little man." Clawing noises come through the door. "Okay, kinda safe."
After giving the puppy his bath and letting him finish eating, I allow him to explore as I shower. He is sniffing one of my bookshelves while I get dressed in pajamas. His brown and black fur is still tangled, but the mud was washed away, giving him a cleaner appearance.
I hesitantly shuffle to the door where strangled meows can still be heard. I breathe deeply and yank open the door. A blur streaks past and goes for the dog. Ares grabs him by the scruff and again begins to drag him away. She halts when she sees me, and I cower away from the murderous look in her eyes. A hiss vibrates from her chest, and I slide out of the way, my eyes not leaving her until she disappears down the hallway with the puppy in tow. I shrug my shoulders and yawn. The bed welcomes me into its warm embrace, and sleep overtakes me.
Waking up because of my alarm, I arch my back, listening to the popping sounds. I grumble at the time, but smile because I get to see Ace. I dress in a random t-shirt and jeans, brush my hair and teeth, and descend the stairs. I better feed Ares and the pup before I leave. So, I do. Then I'm off to meet my only human companion.
The morning air is filled with fog that shadows the surrounding woods. It is the crisp, cool air that I breathe that makes my airways feel free. When I exhale, tiny puffs of misty air leave my mouth, and I watch as it slowly disappears. Naturally, I start huffing out giant breaths to make the tiny clouds bigger. I probably look like a cat wheezing out a hair ball. It's a good thing Ace isn't here.
As I near the crossroads, a lean form materializes through the hazy air, and I smile. "Hey, Ace! Guess what Ares did last night!" My yell must surprise him because he jumps slightly. I jog to him, grinning all the way.
Ace has one eyebrow cocked minutely, and humor dances through his eyes. I take that to mean I should speak. "Ares has adopted the puppy as her kitten." His eyebrow drops, and he pulls out his notebook.
"What?" Ace writes.
"Ares - you know, the demonic cat that wants to kill me - has adopted the puppy we found." I repeat.
He scribbles furiously for a second. "And you left him with her? She's probably planning to use him in the sacrificial rituals she performs when you're at school."
I snort at that and start laughing. "C'mon. We need to go, so you don't get another detention."
He grunts noncommittally, but starts walking nonetheless. His long strides make it hard to keep up, but considering I'm used to it, I'm able to match his pace quickly. The walk through town is calm and filled with silence, which is only interrupted by the occasional sound of cars.
A slight breeze ruffles Ace's pitch black hair, and I realize I'm staring. His facial profile showcases his sharp jawline, and the shirt he's wearing defines his muscular frame. A cooler breeze slithers past us, and goosebumps start to appear on Ace's forearms. Goosebumps? Is he co— "Oh, crap. Ace, I'm sorry! Here's your jacket." I retrieve his jacket from my backpack and thrust it towards him.
Ace slips on the jacket smoothly, a masculine grace accompanying the action. He flips the jacket collar down and zips it up. The clothing accentuates his form, and I admire him as we walk. I try to be subtle, of course. I can only imagine how he would react to seeing me gazing at him like a love-sick puppy. That thought makes me cringe slightly. But still I watch.
Head tilted upwards, Ace's eyes close. What is he thinking about? His facial expression does not change, not even his eyes move under his eyelids. He holds this position as we walk, and the wind sweeps past us again. He looks so peaceful.
In a sudden movement, Ace opens his eyes, drops his head, and winks at me. My mouth falls open, and a strangled noise emits from my throat. He knew I was watching him. Crap. Crap. Crap. I'm such a moron. Of course he knew. I feel a blush forming on my face, causing me to stare resolutely ahead. A soft chuckle reaches my ears, and I pick up my pace.
Ace and I soon reach the school, and we skirt past groups of people talking. Some scoot out of our — Ace's — way, and I can feel the stares of many on us. It's uncomfortable, but that feeling dissipates when Ace holds my small hand gently in his. I smile appreciatively at him, but he merely glowers hatefully at the people around us. Upon receiving an intimidating look from Ace, they quickly go back to gossiping. Their excited conversations reach us when we walk by.
"—boy or girl?"
"Boy. Definitely a boy."
"If it is a guy, I hope he—"
"Dude, you heard the news?"
"Yeah! I bet —"
"Do you know what they are talking about, Ace?" I take my attention away from the people around us and give it to my companion. He shakes his head and tugs me to the front entrance. Well, then. I guess he doesn't care enough to find out.
Listening to the people around us, I follow Ace to my locker. However, not many people are in the hallways yet, so I hear nothing that will tell me what is happening. We reach the locker, and Ace leans beside it, motioning me to get what I need. I enter the combination and shove what I need into my bag. I'm so focused that I do not notice the stranger until he speaks.
"Hey." I yelp and jump, hitting my arm on my locker door. Then I stare wide-eyed at the boy before me. Short, light brown hair falls across his forehead, right above warm, chestnut eyes. He has a lightly tanned complexion, and his lips are lifted slightly, highlighting his high cheekbones. Wow. He's cute. When he realizes that I was staring, his lips lift into a flirty smile. Oh no. Another one of these guys.
It all started about a two or three months after Ace and I started walking together. At that point, we had never eaten lunch together. He would walk me to the cafeteria and then go outside to eat. I liked to eat at a table, though, because hearing all the conversations around me eased the loneliness I felt. I would have eaten with Ace, but I figured that he needed some time away from me during the day.
So there I was sitting at my usual table in the corner, eavesdropping on a couple of nearby girls squealing about the "hottest new boy band". Mentally, I was having the conversation with them and replying sarcastically.
Ace was still in the cafeteria because he was trying the get the vending machine to work. He had tried kicking it and had upgraded his attack plan to violently shaking it when kicking failed. My combined actions of listening, watching, and giggling at Ace prevented me from noticing the boy who sat in the chair before me.
"Whatcha doin' all alone, sweetheart?" His voice startled me, and I jumped before looking at him. It was Samuel McCalister, one of the popular students in our school. Football player, rich, cute, womanizer. He was all of that and more. He also did not associate with those he considered lesser beings: me. Instead of replying, all I could do was wonder why he was speaking to me.
Samuel's eyebrows rose. "Cat got your tongue, doll?"
Feeling uncomfortable around the male, I shook my head but remained mute. His eyebrows rose even further at my response, and I felt intimidated by the humor-filled glint in his eyes. I searched the cafeteria for my safe haven, but the area by the beaten vending machine was empty.
Samuel spoke again, "So, I was thinking that you and I should go to the movies later."
I stared at him incredulously. My jaw opened and closed itself once, before I stuttered out, "W-well, y-you see. I d-don't really want t-to." I had heard of how he treated girls, playing with them. I did not want to be one of them.
Now it was his turn to stare incredulously, as if the idea of being rejected was impossible. Samuel turned on the charm again. "C'mon, sweetheart. I promise it'll be fun." I was already shaking my head in denial. He got ready to speak again, when his eyes drifted past me. I assumed that he was just thinking, so I did not turn around.
I watched as Samuel paled slightly. Then a mocking smile crept into his face. I was confused at this, but the whole conversation was confusing anyway. He focused on me suddenly. "Never mind. I got the answer I wanted." Standing up, he left to go to his friends in the popular group. I heard snickering from them and realized that they were probably mocking me. They glanced over at me and laughed again. Yep, mocking me.
My shoulders dropped, and loneliness threatened to consume me. However, I was dragged from my sorrow by someone sitting next to me. It was Ace. He had materialized out of nowhere. I stared at him in surprise. With eyes narrowed and jaw grinding , he glared at the popular group. The expression was only there for a moment before he turned to me and smiled slightly. From that moment, we started eating lunch together, too.
The next day, another guy from the popular crowd came to me and tried to have a conversation. It stopped not long after he looked over my shoulder.
Soon, this was happening with different guys. They'd talk to me for a moment between classes or at lunch, look over my shoulder, pale, then leave randomly. It had stopped after a month or so, though. I never understood why they left quickly or why they spoke to me in the first place. I did not care to discover the reason.
So, seeing this stranger in front of me reminds me of that strange month. I stare expectantly at him, waiting for him to look over my shoulder and leave. But he doesn't. He just looks right back at me.
One long, awkward minute passes between us. I finally speak. "Well, aren't you gonna leave?" I say it curiously, but realize how rude that sounds when it leaves my mouth. Great going, Lucilia. Now you sound like a jerk.
The stranger replies, "I need to get to my locker first." He points to the locker beneath mine, and I blush. He just wants to get to his locker, stupid. I shuffle backwards and hit a large chest. Looking up, I see Ace glaring at the boy. What's wrong with him?
My mouth starts to speak rapidly before my mind realizes it. "I'm really, really sorry. You see, I thought you were going to look behind my shoulder and then walk away. I didn't even think anyone was using the locker beneath mine because I've never seen anyone using it. So I'm really sorry for sounding so rude. It was an accident. I'm normally not this mean. Or at least, I hope not." I'm rambling. Lovely.
The boy laughs, his eyes lighting with humor. "It's fine. I'm Ethan."
I shyly reply, "I'm Lucilia, and this is my friend, Ace, but you probably already know who he is." I gesture to a tense Ace.
Ethan studies Ace. "Why am I supposed to know him?"
"Because everybody knows who Ace Lancaster is," I say and look at him weirdly. How does he not recognize Ace? Everyone knows Ace.
Ethan returns my look with one of his own. "How am I supposed to know someone that I just met?"
"I don't mean you personally know him. I mean that you recognize who he is."
"Is he a celebrity?" Ethan questions.
"No," I make another weird face. "He's the sheriff's son and the school's bad boy."
"So...he's popular then?"
"Yeah, I guess. I'm just surprised that you don't even recognize his name." Throughout this conversation, Ace stood tall and imposing, his expression never wavering from the glower he is sending Ethan.
"Well, I probably don't know him because I just moved here."
His statement surprises me. "You're new?" I repeat.
Popping the 'p', he says simply, "Yep." Oh, so that is what the other kids were talking about. A new student is a rare commodity in this forgotten town.
"What's your schedule?" Ethan silently hands me his schedule, and I read all of it, a smile slowly forming.
"Guess what, Ace?" His glare finally breaks, and he peers over at me. "You and Ethan have the same schedule!" The glare is back.
Ethan surprisingly isn't fazed by the glower and asks me, "Do I share any classes with you?"
"Yeah. We have History, Art, and P.E. together."
"Cool. And I'm assuming that you'll be kind enough to show me around?" His eyebrow raises questioningly.
I laugh slightly. "Sure. And again, I'm sorry for being mean." The bell rings and we all begin going to our first class. Ace pushes between the Ethan and me as we walk down the hallway.
"So, I have a question," Ethan breaks the silence. "Why did you think that I was going to walk away suddenly?"
"Oh. Well, it's kind of funny actually." I give Ethan a brief rundown of my early experience with the guys from Junior year, and when I finish, he has a thoughtful look plastered to his face.
"One more question." He glances at Ace. "Were you two friends at that time?"
However irrelevant that question seems, I still answer. "Yeah, we were. Why?"
After looking at Ace curiously, Ethan makes some conclusion and nods, but doesn't answer because we arrive at class.
Ace strides across the room to his seat, while I go to mine. Poor Ethan stands awkwardly at the front, his gaze frantically searching the room. I snicker softly when I see that the only available chair is by Ace. When Ethan notices the chair, he straightens his shoulders, raises his chin, strolls to the empty chair, and plops down into it. Ace glares at him the whole time. The teacher arrives not long after and starts the class.
Once the class ended, Ace and Ethan both stand and head towards me. The small aisle for them to walk down can only accommodate one, and I watch amused as Ace shoulders Ethan out of the way. Coming to me, Ace grabs my hand and leads me out of History class.
I plant my feet to force us to stop. "Ace, you left Ethan behind," I chastise. Ace nods his head, and his chest puffs slightly, as if he performed a great accomplishment.
Ace tries to drag me to my next class, English, but I struggle to slow him down. Our brief power struggle —which I was losing— allows Ethan time to catch up. "Trying to leave me behind, Ace?" He questions. Ace, ever the honest person, nods.
I sigh. "Ignore him, Ethan. He doesn't like people. And you," I point at Ace. "Ethan's new and both of you have the same classes. Therefore, you are going to show him around. Got it?" I can see the irritation in Ace's eyes, but he reluctantly nods. Then a malicious smile grows on his face, and he pulls out his notebook.
"He better keep up." I read aloud.
Ace grabs my hand and stalks off with me in tow. I glance over my shoulder to see Ethan following.
When we arrive at English, I hesitate before entering. "Ace, I mean it. Behave." I wag my finger at him, and he feigns an innocent look. Ace winks at me, then spins on his heel and begins jogging away. "Good luck," I call to a departing Ethan.
"I'll need it." His voice carries back to me. I chuckle and enter class.
The bell rings, signaling class time is over. I am excited to see Ace because I know that I'll see him the moment I exit through the doorway. And there he is, leaning relaxed against the opposite wall. Ethan stands in a more rigid position near him, and I sense the hostility Ace has for him. Ace needs to make more friends.
I walk up to the two and grin happily. "You guys ready for lunch?"
"Of course. This stomach was not meant to be alone." Ethan gestures to his toned stomach. I snort.
Ace makes it a point to only look at me while we walk. Ethan, on the other hand, seems to like provoking Ace. "So...do you just not speak at all?" He is ignored. Ace stares pointedly ahead, determined to avoid the new student. "Well, since Grumpy over here won't entertain me, it's up to you, shortcake."
"I'm not that short," I protest.
"Right. So, are you single?" He changes the subject abruptly. "I mean, someone as cute as you could not possibly be alone."
I roll my eyes at his statement. "I'm single."
"Uh huh." He doesn't look like he believes me. Ace stops walking for a moment to send him a threatening glare. Ethan raises his hands in surrender, but looks proud of something. A smug smile tears at his lips.
It's silent between the three of us, until we reach the cafeteria. Then we step into the food line and grab some pizza. With food in hand, I lead us to the table that Ace and I frequent. Ace takes the seat to my right and Ethan to my left. We dig in, none of us striking a conversation.
The calm atmosphere is soon broken, though. "Hey, guys. I just thought that I'd come and introduce myself to the new guy. I'm Mindy."
Mindy Atkinson, is one of the popular leaders. Red hair and black soul, she decides your social fate at this school. While I've heard that she can be nice to those she likes, I've never had the pleasure of witnessing that phenomenon. I tend to stay away from her, and she ignores me in turn. It works.
"Hello," Ethan charms with a charismatic smile. "I'm Ethan." Mindy almost swoons from the show of teeth.
Mindy opens her mouth to ask what she always says to people she wants in her clique. "I was wondering if you and Ace wanted to come sit with us. That way you can meet some new people."
The three of us sitting all notice the exclusion of my name. Ethan analyzes our reaction to her: Ace glaring with a cold look in his eye and me slouched to hopefully remain invisible. Expecting him to leave with her, I'm astonished when he states boldly, "I'm good here actually, but thanks anyway."
I stare wide-eyed and horror-struck at the moron who just stabbed his social standing to death with a verbal knife. What is he doing? It's one thing to hang out with us when the populars don't care about you, but another thing when they want you. I pity him. I guess I need to help him, so I whisper, "You fool. What are you doing? She's offering you a spot in her friend circle!"
Ethan ignores me and starts to speak, but is interrupted by Mindy. "You don't want to make some new friends?" Her tone is vacant of everything except disbelief.
"I already did. See?" He gestures to us. "This is my short friend, Lucilia. And this is my mute friend, Ace." The latter turns his glare on Ethan. I guess Ace doesn't want to be friends.
Mindy sputters for a second, but chokes out with a fake smile, "Well, if you ever change your mind, we're right over there." Her eyes run over us once more, lingering on Ace's muscular form. She spins around and looks over her shoulder as she walks away. Our eyes meet, and the animosity she sends me has me quivering. I don't think she plans to ignore me anymore.
After lunch Ethan, Ace, and I make our way to Physical Education. Oh, joy. What better way to make someone throw up than have them exercise right after eating. I sigh and drag my feet, trying to postpone the inevitable. Ace smirks because he knows how much I hate P.E. I watch my feet as I walk. Suddenly, everything spins when Ace picks me up over his shoulder.
"Ace, put me down, you buffoon!" I shout and kick my legs. Vibrations run through me from Ace laughing, and I flick his head. He retaliates by sprinting down the hallway, past onlookers, and straight through the gym entrance. Twirling me in a circle, Ace tightly grips my legs. My shouts transform to squeals of delight, and I'm finally released right-side up. I grip his wide shoulders until I'm steady, and then I tap his noise and glare playfully. His foggy green eyes, filled with mirth, meet my own, and we stare at each other. The moment is broken by a click though, and I blush when I see Ethan with his phone aimed at us.
"Aww. You two are so cute together." He coos in a falsetto. My blush deepens. "Especially you, shortcake. Your cheeks are cherry red right now."
Ace glances at my cheeks and I see a smug smirk start to form. I don't watch its completion. Instead, I race off to the girls' locker room.
Once inside, the sight that greets me has me frozen. Mindy and her two friends, Ilani and Beth, lean against their lockers watching me. I avert my gaze and skirt past them, feeling the hatred for me.
I know that Mindy used to have a major crush on Ace. She would always try to talk with him and flirt. It didn't work. Eventually, she gave up and left us alone. There are times when she will try again, but Ace kills those attempts by ignoring her. However, looking at her now, I believe she is reopening her plans to get Ace to like her.
"How many guys do you need before you have enough?" Mindy interrogates disgusted. It takes me a moment o realize that she is addressing me and another moment to understand the question.
"W-what?"
A look of combined hatred and disgust crosses her face as she repeats, "How many guys do you need?"
I frown in confusion and prepare to speak, but she cuts me off. "First, you get Ace. Now Ethan, too?"
"They're my friends," I state quietly. Well, technically I don't know Ethan enough to say we're friends, but I'm sure we will be soon.
Mindy snorts unattractively and strides toward me until she towers over my shaking form. I press against the locker when her friends join her. My palms become slick with sweat, when I realize the intimidating position they maintain.
"You expect me to believe that you and Ace are just friends?" I nod. "Really? And for some reason, Ethan now wants to be friends with you, too? An ugly nerd who has no friends and can't stand up for herself? Unlikely."
I flinch at the truthfulness in her words and gaze longingly at the gym door. Mindy continues, "Okay, loser. Here is how it's gonna go. You are going to stop hanging out with Ethan and Ace. They could do so much better than you."
I frown and realize that I'm going to have to deny her wishes. Ace is my friend, and if he doesn't want to be, then he can tell me. Not them. "N-no." I raise my chin defiantly, despite my stutter.
Mindy, Ilena, and Beth stare shocked. "No? No!" Mindy's voice deepens with her anger, and I feel the punch before I see it. It knocks the wind out of me, and I hunch over, cradling my stomach. Pain blossoms in my stomach, and my head is jerked up by my hair. "You do not tell me no, you loser." She snarls. The next punch hits my left cheek, and I feel the tears building.
"That ought to teach you. Now," she whispers menacingly, "What are you going to do?"
I whimper softly, "I'm going to leave Ace and Ethan alone."
Mindy pats my head and coos, "Good girl." Humiliation and embarrassment at my inability to defend myself courses through me, making me feel pathetic before them.
They each shove me one final time. Then I'm left in the the empty locker room with a rapidly bruising and swelling cheek. I can't go out there. Ace will know something's wrong. So I go to the door, crack it, and call to the gym teacher. I lie to him, saying that I don't feel well and that I threw up. He sends me to the nurse's office.
Arriving there, I take a seat while waiting. Nurse Hollowway calls me back and frowns upon seeing my current state. Her brown hair in a pixie cut flies about her head as she goes about getting me an ice pack. Nurse Hollowway is one of my favorite school staff members. She is sweet and caring, and one of the few people to make an effort to befriend me. "So," she begins, "would you like to tell me how you got hurt?"
Knowing that I cannot say the truth, I shrug nonchalantly. "I was hit in the face with a door."
"Uh huh. I see." She definitely does not believe me. "Well, keep that ice pack on it. I don't think you have a concussion. Normally, I would say that you could go back to class, but I don't think you want that right now, huh?"
I shake my head.
"Go home, Lucilia. I'll say that you were too sick to stay." Her concerned expression makes me feel like crying, but instead I smile appreciatively and leave the office.
Outside, the once cool air that calmed me now makes me feel like I cannot breathe. The hurtful, but truthful words, play through my mind, taunting me and unearthing the self-hatred that I buried a while ago. The words consume my thoughts, taking residence in the dark and lonely crevices of my mind.
I'm not weak. I try to deny. I'm not weak. But the pain in my stomach, cheek, and heart say otherwise. I am weak.