By the time Friday rolled around, I was too ready for school to be over. The doctor had warned me early on that I would start to get more tired than usual, but this was ridiculous! I was so exhausted, in fact, that I actually started looking sick. Fortunately, this played well with Tia's stories about my strep throat. When her mother woke us up bright and early Friday morning to say goodbye, I decided not to tell her that I wasn't going to school that day. I had stopped bleeding two days earlier and by that time the cramps were not coming nearly as often, but I still knew that I shouldn't cheer that night. The best thing to do, I decided, would be to make everyone think that I had had a relapse in my "illness."
With Aunt Rachael gone, I didn't have to worry about her sending me to the doctor and I got Tia to call in pretending to be my mother. After she left, I just kind shuffled around the house all day. By ten o'clock, I was bored out of my mind. I had really wanted to at least see the last game of the season, if not cheer for it. Scott had gotten pretty good and they played him a lot more than the other two sophomores on the team. Thinking about Scott, I got nervous about our weekend all over again and went back to bed. Tia called me after school and asked if I wanted to come with her and some of the girls to a party after the game.
"How would that look, Tia? Then they would know I wasn't sick."
"Oh come on! Who cares what they know anyway? It's none of their business." This from a girl who had been making up doctor's appointments and antibiotic prescriptions for me all week.
"No, that's ok. I think I'll just stay here."
"Suit yourself." She giggled. "I guess you do need to get some rest for your big day tomorrow." I groaned and she giggled again. "Lafayette said he's proud of you for being such a big girl and not trying to drag us out there with you."
"Oh yeah? Well, you just tell Lafayette..."
"Sorry, gotta go!" she interrupted before I could finish.
The next morning, Scott picked me up at the crack of dawn. I was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang, and I asked Tia to answer it. She shuffled down the hall, grumbling all the way to the door.
"Dang it Scott, I know you can't wait to see her, but what is your problem? It's five o'clock in the morning!"
"It's six thirty. Stop exaggerating," came his playful response. "What time did you get in anyway? You look like you just went to bed."
"I did." She mumbled turning the TV on for him.
"What? Now you know you don't need to be stayin' out all night. Especially with your mom out of town. And I know Lafayette wasn't with you because he was with me. That's not safe Tia, for real." I smiled in the bedroom at his brotherly lecture as I pulled on my bathing suit.
"Hmm, hmm, hmm." She grumbled. "You just make sure you get my cousin home in a timely fashion, young man, and don't worry 'bout what I been doin'."
"Yes ma'am," he drawled with a smile as she stumbled sleepily back to bed. A few minutes later, I stepped self-consciously out into the living room. Scott's eyes grew wide when he saw me. "Day-umn!"
"What?" I asked quickly. I was wearing the only bathing suit that I thought my stomach wouldn't stick out in. Just in case, though, I'd also wrapped a sarong around my waist to hide what little hints of a tummy that might have still remained. The baby hadn't yet had the chance to do more than put a few curves on me, but I still wasn't taking any chances. "What?" I asked again. "Do I look fat or something?"
"Oh no," he answered quickly and came over to me. "You just look really...good. I've never seen you in a bathing suit before."
I blushed and looked away. "All of my others are two pieces."
His eyes gleamed devilishly. "Ooh. Now that I'd really love to see."
"They made my stomach poke out." I replied calmly, making sure that he remembered all the reasons why we shouldn't go there.
"Oh. Yeah..." He looked down at my belly. "It looks ok now." He gave me a once over. "Everything is checkin' out!"
I pushed him playfully towards the door. "Bye Tia!" I called, knowing that she was already fast asleep. "Oh Scott, do you want me to bring any food?"
"No. I told you, I got this!"
"Ok! Ok!" I surrendered and grinned.
When we got to the Jeep, he opened the door for me and helped me inside. From the day Scott found out about my pregnancy, he had been treating me like I was already as big as a house. Instead of bothering me, though, I thought it was kind of cute. I leaned over to unlock his door and caught a glimpse of an old-fashioned picnic basket in the back.
"Scott! A picnic basket?"
He sighed as he climbed into the jeep. "You know, I don't really like that word too much. Let's call it a lunch basket instead."
"Yeah...I don't like it either..." My eyes narrowed, remembering what my mother had told me about where the word "picnic" came from, and how "picnics" used to be lynching parties. "So... why don't you like that word?"
He looked me square in the eye. "The same reason you don't." Then he started the car. "My father used to say...stuff...and I don't want to think about him right now."
I sat back and looked out of the window. This kid was impossible to figure out. Even though I knew he was nice and all, the apple still doesn't fall far from the tree. I wondered just how much like his old man he really was.
"What are you thinking about?" Scott's smooth voice cut through my thoughts.
"Oh, nothing." I looked over at him and put my sunglasses on.
He looked back at me knowingly. "So...how do you feel this beautiful morning?"
"I feel alright. How about you? I know they worked your butt off last night."
"Yeah, they did. My muscles are kind of tight, but that ocean water will fix me right up." I realized for the first time just how excited he was about getting to the beach. Lafayette was right. "We won."
"Oh yeah? Congratulations! What was the score?"
"Thirty-five, thirty-four."
"Are you serious? Oh man! I knew I missed a great game!"
"Yeah, they lost by a field goal." He looked over at me and grinned. "We probably could have beat 'em by a little more if our most spirited cheerleader had been there."
I looked over at him but refused to smile back, even though I wanted to. It was a school-wide joke that I was the cheerleader with the "most attitude and the least spirit." Of course, the guys would always finish with "but she's flexible as hell, though."
Scott looked over at me thoughtfully. "You didn't really have strep throat, did you?"
"No."
"Is everything alright with the baby?"
He always seemed so genuinely concerned about me that I couldn't help but answer all his nosy-ass questions. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just didn't feel like cheering last night and wanted everyone to think I was sick."
"Well, it worked. Tia laid it on real thick at the game. She had everybody feeling sorry for you." We both chuckled. After a few moments of silence, Scott asked, "Rica?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are you staying at Tia's house? Did your mom go out of town again?"
"No." I looked straight ahead.
"Well, is she alright?" How could he be so concerned about a woman who was so mean to him? I knew that I wouldn't have given a rat's behind about his father's well-being.
"Yeah, she's fine." I looked over and realized that it wasn't her that he was worried about at all, but me.
"Rica...um," he struggled to get the words out. "Do you have to live at Tia's house?"
"Yes."
"Did your mom find out about the baby?"
"Yes."
"Oh." Scott was quiet for a long time and then asked softly, "Does she know what happened to you?"
"She doesn't believe me."
He looked over at me again. I wished that he would keep his eyes on the road. He took my hand, but I pulled it away. "I'm so sorry, beautiful."
I smiled despite myself. What girl could have resisted after being called beautiful every day?
"It's all good," I said quietly and gazed out of the window. Scott went back to driving.
After a while, I started to doze off. Lately, I had been having more and more nightmares about Lucky. They had stopped for a while, but started up again after a month or so. I was having one of these nightmares when Scott shook me gently awake.
"Hey, beautiful...wake up. We're here." I involuntarily jumped and backed away from Scott. His face fell. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing. I was just...having a bad dream."
"Oh...are you ok now?"
I smiled. "Yep."
He came around to help me out of the Jeep. I could have gotten out by myself but he liked to feel useful, so for once I let him. Again, he looked me up and down. I blushed, but didn't comment.
As he leaned over into the backseat to pull everything out of the car, it was now my turn to give him a once over. Being the athlete that he was, Scott had developed a pretty nice physique. He had a medium build and was kind of tall, but wasn't lanky. From years of playing sports, he had toned up nicely. Scott turned around and caught me looking at him. He smiled at me and bit his bottom lip. I looked away quickly.
"Scott?"
"Yeah?"
"Um...where's the ladies?"
His smile widened. Shaking his head he sighed, "Pregnant chicks. Always with the bathroom!" Then he held out his hand. "Come on. I'll take you."
I looked back at all of the things that he had left out on the sand. "But what about our stuff? Won't somebody take it?"
"Nah. I told you, not many people come around to this side of the beach."
"Oh...ok..."
When we reached the restrooms, I peered into the darkness. There was a large brick wall to walk around and as I neared the other side, a sudden unwarranted fear overcame me. I looked cautiously back at Scott.
"You alright?" he asked, walking over to me.
"Yeah, I just..." I looked at him and grinned sheepishly. "It just looks scary in there. That's all."
"Don't worry. I'll protect you," he offered quietly.
My heart melted. "I can take care of myself."
"Go ahead then," and he pretended like he was about to walk off. After taking a few steps he looked back, knowing that I didn't want him to leave. "Do you want me to wait?"
"Yes please."
He grinned. "Ok. Go on. I'll stand right here until you come out."
"Thanks." I flashed a grateful smile and went inside quickly. The actual restroom wasn't as dark and eerie as the walkway had been, and it was a lot cleaner than I thought, too. When I came out, Scott was peering over his shoulder.
"What's wrong?"
"I was just makin' sure nobody was coming. I didn't want the women to think, you know..." he grinned and looked down at the ground, "that I was some kinda pervert or somethin'..."
It had never even occurred to me that he wasn't supposed to be standing there. What a great guy to stand at the entrance to a lady's restroom just because I was a big old baby.
I laughed and linked arms with him. "You're so cute!"
His tan face lit up as he smiled down at me. "I know this." Then he winked and we started walking towards the beach.
When we got close enough, I told him that I would race him to the water. He caught me just as I was about to take off. I looked down at his light hand over my dark one. "What?"
"I don't want you to run."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want you to fall. The sand is too slippery."
"Oh Scott, I'm a gymnast! I have perfect balance." But I didn't anyway...you know, just in case.
The water was freezing when we got in and we both immediately jumped back out. "W-what are you t-trying to do to me?" I asked through chattering teeth.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know it would be that cold. I guess it is still kind of early." He grinned down at me and rubbed my arms. I stepped back without thinking. "Are you sure you're ok?" he asked again, remembering the way I had backed away from him earlier.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I looked back at the car, trying to change the subject. "I have to get my wrap. My legs are freezing!"
"Ok. Come on." He took my hand again.
When we got to the jeep and I wrapped the sarong around my waist, I saw Scott watching me out of the corner of my eye and I turned to him.
"What? Why do you keep looking at me like that?"
He quickly looked away. "I'm sorry. I was just..." he looked back at me and smiled shyly. "I was just...mesmerized...for a minute..."
"Hmm..." I didn't know what to say to that, so I bent down and picked up the lunch basket. When I stood up, I saw that he was watching me again. "Dag! This thing weighs twenty pounds! What did you put in here?"
He came over to me quickly. "Let me take that. Here," he leaned into the Jeep and pulled out two towels. Now it was my turn to watch him. "You take this." He handed the towels to me. As I reached for my beach bag, his hand brushed against mine. "I'll take that, too." He gave me a warm smile.
I let the bag go and started to walk back toward the water. Scott followed. "Where do you want to...?" I turned back to him and he quickly looked up. "You were looking at my butt!" I gasped.
His mouth dropped open. "What? No I wasn't!" Then he smiled guiltily. "Well, maybe..."
I waited until he caught up to me after that and made sure that he didn't walk behind me anymore. After we laid the blanket down and set out the rest of our things, Scott suggested that we go for a walk.
I looked around. There were only a few other couples already out on the beach. I wondered what they would think about Scott and me walking together, but no one even seemed to notice we were there, much less cared what we were doing together.
I guess Tia was right. I paid more attention to things like that than anybody else. Even Scott didn't seem to care.
He held out his hands and helped me up. "Why are you always worried about what other people think?" he asked, as if reading my mind.
"What are you talking about?"
"I saw you look around. You ain't slick. You were checking to see if anybody was looking before you took my hand."
I looked away. "No I wasn't." He made a disbelieving face at me. "I wasn't! I don't care what anybody thinks," I argued.
Suddenly, Scott pulled me close to him and leaned down to whisper in my ear, "Well, it won't matter if I kiss you then, will it?"
He backed away to observe my startled expression and laughed. I elbowed him and chuckled incredulously. This kid was impossible!
"Don't worry. I was only playing with you," he reassured softly and took my hand again. "Let's walk down this way." He pointed further down the beach.
It was strange for me to feel so comfortable around Scott. It was almost like I was with an old friend. As we walked in silence, I suddenly began to think about the night that he had almost asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course, when that came to mind, I immediately thought about accidentally wondering in on him and that girl...
"Scott?" I looked up at him and guessed that now would be as good a time as any to ask him what I had wanted to find out about that night. "You know that girl you were with..."
"What girl?" he asked in confusion and stopped walking.
"The one that...the one when I walked in on you at the party..." Suddenly I was almost too embarrassed to ask the question.
He let go of my hand and looked away. "Yeah."
"Well, I was just wondering...do you love her?"
"Do I love her?" he exclaimed, then saw that I was serious and burst into laughter. "Hell no. What are you talking about?" I looked down and dug my foot into the sand. Scott put his hand under my chin and redirected my gaze to him. "Hey beautiful, why do you want to know that?"
"I was just wondering because..." This was harder to get out than I thought. "Because I wanted to know how you feel about the girls that you mess with."
He took my hand and started walking again. "Well, some of them I really like...and some of them I just...because they look good and because I can."
"Oh."
"That girl, I told you then, was just somebody that happened to be in the right place at the right time...or the wrong place at the wrong time, depending on how you look at it." He looked over at me. "So, what do you really want to ask me?"
I looked away shyly. "Well, do you have all the girls that you fool around with...or that like you...do that?"
"Do what?" he looked at me strangely. "Oh..." he blushed. "Um, no..." He shrugged. "Most of the girls that try to step to me I don't like, anyway. I mean they're pretty and all, but that's not all I look for..." Scott raised his eyebrow at me again. "But back to your question, a girl doesn't have to do that Rica. It's her choice. Why are you asking me this anyway?"
"I was just wondering."
"Mm-hmm." He looked at me for a long time with his patented expressionless gaze. "I usually don't mess around with girls that I'm not dating." Playfully defensive, he added, "What kind of a man do you think my mama raised?"
I smiled. He was so cute. The bright rays of early morning light shone across his face and glistened in his eyes, giving them the appearance of being one with the blue-green ocean. His light brown hair was almost completely blond now from all of his hours outside during practice, and his perfectly white teeth gleamed in the light.
My eyes traveled slowly down his strong jaw line, his solid but not thick-like-a-football-player's neck, and over his well-sculpted chest. Quickly I looked back up at him. What was I thinking? Luckily, I had my shades on and I hoped that he hadn't been able to see what I was looking at.
"Your mother must be very beautiful," I said, trying to change the subject.
"She is. Why do you say that?"
"Because you don't look anything like your father," I answered matter-of-factly. Even after all those years, I still remembered every detail of that man's face as if I had seen him the day before.
Scott looked at me again with unreadable eyes. "Was that a compliment?"
I was immediately sorry I had said it. "Um...yes. It was supposed to be."
"A compliment for me or for my mother?" Now he was just messing with me.
"Both, I guess."
"Well, thanks. She'll be happy to hear it." His voice took on a far away tone. "She was hoping that I'd take after her side of the family, anyway."
"Why is that?"
"Well, she didn't...like his side." He shrugged. "After a while she didn't really like him either." He shook his head. "I don't know what she was thinking, sleeping with that man and getting pregnant with me in the first place." I didn't have any response to that. Who would? He looked down at me again. "That's why I'm so careful about who I sleep with. I don't want to end up being sorry about it for the rest of my life."
He looked away and we walked in silence down to the end of the beach.
My legs had begun to hurt and I was slowing down. I was also starting to get another cramp at the bottom of my stomach. "Scott, can we sit down for a little while?"
"Of course. Why didn't you say so? Let's sit over here." He led me to a soft mound of sand and helped me down.
I laughed. "Scott! I'm not nine months pregnant! You don't have to help me do everything."
He smiled sheepishly. "Oh...sorry. I just...my mom needed a lot of help when she was pregnant."
"She was pregnant?"
"Yeah, for a little while. She lost the baby, though."
He looked out over the water.
"It was so sad. She cried forever about that. I mean, she seemed sad and cried a lot the whole time she was pregnant too. I didn't ever know why, but she did. Kind of like you do..." he looked over at me. "I was little when it happened. Matter of fact, it was right before we moved away from here the first time." He looked back over the water. "My dad was such a jerk. They used to fight...like, for real fight, all the time."
"That's terrible," I said sadly. "Is that how she lost the baby?"
"Yeah, I think so. Anyway, she divorced him not too long after that." He looked thoughtfully down at my feet. "Do your feet hurt?"
"No. Why?"
"Because my mom's feet used to always hurt and I would rub them for her." He smiled at me. I blushed and looked away. "Well, let me know if they do, ok?"
"Scott..." There was no easy way to ask the question. "Did your dad make her lose it on purp...?"
He quickly put a finger to my lips. "I don't want to talk about that anymore."
"Ok."
"You know," he began thoughtfully, "you remind me a lot of my mom."
"What?" I laughed. "How?" I had always imagined his mom to be a lot like his dad.
"Well, because you act a lot like her. Like...when I first met you. You looked so helpless and so scared surrounded by all those boys..."
"Oh," I cut him off quickly. "So you liked me because you had to save me?" That explained a lot.
"No, no. Not at all. I liked you because even though I knew you were terrified, they never knew. You were tough. Even though you were way overpowered, you were still putting up a good fight before I even came out there." He looked down. "Kind of like my mother when my parents used to fight."
My eyes narrowed. "So you saw the whole thing?"
He knew what I was thinking. "Well, sort of. I was watching my cousins from a window upstairs and I knew when you passed by that they would probably say something...but I didn't know they would hurt you like that, or else I would have come out sooner."
Now it was my turn to put my fingers to his lips. "Stop. I don't want to talk about this either."
"What should we talk about then?"
"I don't know." We were quiet for a minute, then a thought came to me and I laughed. "Did your mom pack our lunch?"
He tried to hide a smile. "Well...she helped me get the food ready. How'd you know?"
"Because, what guy would go through the trouble of doing all that on his own?"
He mocked offense. "I would! She didn't pack it for me. She just helped me figure out what to bring."
"Uh-huh," I teased.
He smiled shyly. "I told her what I was doing and she insisted on helping."
"What did you tell her you were doing?"
"I told her that I was brining a girl that I really liked to the beach and that I wanted to do something nice for her."
"Oh yeah?" I peered over my shades to see him better. "Did you tell her who I was?"
I know, I know! Once again I was just giving him a hard time, but I couldn't help it!
"Well, she knows that I always talk to you on the phone, and she knows that you're Tia's cousin..."
"She knows Tia?"
"Of course. She loves Tia. And she knows that I've been asking Tia about you for a long time."
"She does?"
"Yeah."
"And she doesn't care?" I was shocked.
How could this be the same woman whose husband had run outside and smacked Scott in the head simply for shaking my hand?
"I told you," Scott said solemnly, "she's not like my dad."
"I know, but still. I don't think she knows that how you feel about me...isn't just a phase..."
Scott's eyes lit up. "She knows, but I didn't think you did." I felt my face grow hot and I looked away. "If you knew that all along, Rica, then why have you been giving me such a hard time? Are you hazing me or something?"
I laughed. "No. I didn't know the whole time. I..." I looked into his eyes. "...just found out."
"I really like you a lot."
"I know."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, don't you like me, too?"
I grinned and looked away. "Maybe..." This conversation was getting way too deep for me. Jumping up, I pulled him by the hand. "Let's go back and get our stuff before somebody takes it. I like this end of the beach better. Can we move everything down here?"
"We can do whatever you want to do." He smiled down at me. "I'm just glad you came."
I smiled back at him. "Me too."
We had gotten halfway back to our original spot when Scott suddenly stopped and tugged at my hand. "Rica, are you ever going to tell anybody what happened to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean how you got pregnant...I mean other people besides us?"
I thought long and hard. "No. No, I don't think so."
"So who are you going to say is the baby's father?"
"I'm going to say it's none of their business."
"No," he pulled me around to face him. "I mean when the baby's born. He has to have a daddy, Rica. What are you going to say to him...or her?"
This question put another heavy weight on my shoulders. I had never thought of that before. Tears crept up into my eyes, but I blinked them away.
"I didn't say that to make you sad, baby." Scott paused for a minute. "I was just wondering because...well, maybe I could say I'm the father." He bit his lip and waited for my reaction.
"You! Why would you want to be the father?"
"Well, I mean, if I had gotten you pregnant it's not like I wouldn't take care of you. And since everyone already thinks we're together anyway, they're already gonna think it's mine as soon as..." he paused and waited for me to say something. When I still didn't, he continued. "I mean, well, right now nobody even knows for sure if you are pregnant, but once you start showing..."
Finally, I broke out of my shock and was able to make myself speak.
"Do you know what a big responsibility this is? You must be crazy. Why would you volunteer for something like that? I mean that's sweet and all," I took his other hand, "and I really appreciate it, but I have to take care of this baby for the rest of my life. You've only even been sixteen for like three months! You don't have time for that. Imagine all of the great things that you would have to pass on just because of your pretend child and his fourteen-year-old mother. I don't even know how to drive! You're sooo sweet, Scott, that you don't even think about what might happen to you when you try to run out and save people all the time. I mean, what would your mom even say? How would you tell her that this," I pointed to my belly, "is yours? How would she react?"
He leaned back on his heals thoughtfully. Suddenly he laughed out loud. "Mayne, she'd be pissed! That woman would beat ma ass!" In his excitement, Scott's Louisiana side took over his accent completely.
"I know."
"But not why you think. Because I'm only sixteen, like you said. She'd be pissed if I got any girl pregnant, not just you. Can't say that I'd blame her..."
I nodded. "Yeah, my mom was pissed, too. Can't say that I blame her, either..."
I started to continue walking, but Scott didn't follow. I turned around to see what he was waiting for.
"Is that why she kicked you out?"
I blinked at his question, not quite sure what he was asking.
"Do you mean because I'm pregnant?"
"I mean because she thinks it's my baby." Quietly, he hurried on. "You don't have to be nice about it Rica, I know that's why." I looked down at the ground. "Did she hit you?"
"What?" He caught me off guard.
"When she found out. I mean, was she so mad that she hit you?"
I dug my toe into the sand. "Yeah. She told me to get an abortion."
"Oh...what do you think about that?" he asked cautiously.
"Well, I thought that would be a lot easier than having it, but by the time I got over the shock of being...how I got pregnant and decided to actually admit to myself that I am pregnant...it was too late. I mean, I've seen pictures of what babies look like at the age that mine is, and they actually look like they're turning into babies. I mean, you can see their heads and their little hands...I can't kill that."
"Yeah, I guess not. So...what are you going to do with the baby?"
I sighed deeply. "I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself Scott! My mom just kicked me out. I'm just a kid, too..."
"I know." He gave me a hug. "I'm sorry she kicked you out just because she thought that we...Man, she must really hate me."
I pulled away from him. "What are you talking about? She doesn't hate you, personally. She just doesn't like white people in general. There's so much more to that story than you'll ever know Scott, so don't even think like that."
"Well, I'm sorry about how you got pregnant. I should have taken you home. I knew better than to let you walk like that..."
I could almost see him mentally kicking himself and realized that he would probably keep that in his heart for the rest of his life.
Like he could have ever stopped me from walking away from him when I was that angry.
Clearly he didn't know me very well.
I shook my head. "Again, not your fault."
We had reached our things and I leaned over to pick up the towels and my bag. He bent over and picked up the bag before I could get to it.
"I'll get that." He flashed his pearly whites at me and my heart did a flip-flop.
When we got back to the other side of the beach, Scott talked me into jumping into the icy cold water once again. As I untied my sarong, I caught him following my hands with his eyes and then look slowly back up to my face. When he saw that I was watching him, he blushed and ran quickly into the ocean. I decided not to follow. Just as I suspected, he jumped out of the water a few seconds later and ran back to the towels.
"It's still c-cold," he declared, shivering.
I just laughed and shook my head. Sitting down next to him on the blanket, I leaned back on my elbows and looked out over the smoky blue-green water. The warm sun was just starting to burn the morning clouds out of the sky.
"I wonder what time it is."
Scott dug into the basket and pulled out a watch. "It's only nine o'clock."
"Are you serious? And it's already this hot?" I pulled out a bottle of sunscreen, squeezed out a line of it, and began rubbing it into my legs. Scott had his sunglasses on, but I could still tell that he was watching me out of the corner of his eye. I stopped what I was doing and looked over at him. "Scott, what are you looking at?" He shook his head at me with wide innocent eyes, like he hadn't been looking. "You didn't know black people used sunscreen?"
He chuckled. "Get into the nineties, Rica." Then he rolled over onto his side and grinned up at me. "I just liked the way you were doing it, that's all."
"You liked the way I was doing what?"
He smiled sheepishly. "Rubbing on your legs like that..."
I tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile and then tried my best to ignore him. As I rubbed lotion onto my other leg, arms, and chest, I knew that his eyes were following my hands everywhere. The thing was, it wasn't creepy the way that he was doing it. He wasn't gawking at certain parts of me like some kind of perv. He was just watching the way that I was putting the lotion on, and it almost seemed like he couldn't look away. Like he was...mesmerized.
When I got to my back I had to stop.
"Do you want me to help you with that?"
I looked at him and got butterflies in my stomach. Did I want him to help me? Heck yeah!
"No, that's ok," I said and put the top back on the bottle.
"Oh. So you're just gonna burn up because you don't want me to touch you."
"I don't burn," I retorted.
"What? Bright as you are? You're already starting to turn red." I had to look over to make sure that I really was talking to somebody white. "Don't look at me like that." Again, he always knew what I was thinking. "So do you need me to help you or not?"
"Need you?"
"Would you...like me to help you?" he asked in a low sexy voice. I couldn't help but smile. When I handed him the bottle, he unscrewed the top and said, "Ok. Lay down."
"What?" I looked at him like he was crazy.
"Don't you want me to give you a massage?"
"A massage? No..." I said slowly, but the truth was, I was dying for him to give me one. Not just because I wanted his hands on me, either, but because for some reason the pain in my legs was slowly starting to creep up my back. Deciding to use the baby as an excuse not to lie down though, I patted my stomach and said, "I can't lay on my tummy."
He eyed me suspiciously, and I'm sure was looking at my boobs and not my stomach when he said, "I don't want to sound like a jerk, Rica, but it's really easy to forget that you're pregnant with that on. I can't even tell."
There was a frozen moment as our eyes locked, and then we both quickly looked away. As he squirted lotion into his hands, I noticed how long his fingers were. No wonder he can hold onto a football like that, I thought to myself.
When he touched my back, the coldness of the lotion made me jump.
"Oh, sorry," he said clasping his hands together. "Hold on. I'll warm it up." I smiled at his quiet, soothing voice.
Not that Scott had a soft voice, he just always spoke softly. Actually he had a great voice, kind of rough, but definitely sexy. The fact that he spoke quietly like that, yet still managed to always command attention and respect, only made him sound that much more appealing.
I was contemplating this when he put his fingers gently onto my back. His rough hands, gritty with sand, felt good against my smooth skin. "Is that better?" he asked.
I had already closed my eyes and descended into a whole other world. Quickly I opened them. "What?"
I saw Scott smile out of the corner of my eye. "Nothing. I think you already answered me." Then he went back to doing whatever it was that he was doing. Even though it was nothing more than putting sunscreen on my back, something that had been done a hundred times before, he was driving me crazy! Slowly, his fingers rubbed against a spot on my neck and I jumped.
"O-k...! That's enough." I quickly scooted away from him. He took off his sunglasses.
Scott sat back and gave me his bad little boy smile. Then he bit his bottom lip and kind of licked it at the same time. "What's wrong?" he asked innocently.
"That just...when you did that it just..." I was so flustered that I didn't even know what I was saying.
"Turned you on?" He grinned and bit the corner of his lip again. When I looked down at his teeth, I involuntarily licked my own. He scooted closer to me and put a hand on my leg. "I want...can I kiss you?" he asked and slowly took off my sunglasses. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up and my hands began to shake.
This was crazy. I had to get a hold of myself! Suddenly, I remembered what my aunt had said about boys my age and how once they got started, it was hard for them to stop. I gasped and jerked away.
Pushing his hand off my leg, I scrambled to stand up. What was I thinking? I knew better than to let him rub on me like that! I knew that he was attracted to me, and the worst part was that I was just as attracted to him. It was obvious (I thought) what would happen if we flirted with each other any more. Then, I figured, I really would be a "dirty little whore," just like Lucky said.
Startled, Scott scrambled up after me. "Wait!" He quickly grabbed hold of my hand. Then, after catching his breath, he said, "I didn't mean...I didn't want anything more than a kiss. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. I would never...force you to do anything, ever..."
He looked into my eyes, trying to make sure that I knew he was telling the truth.
"I know. You...you just scared me, that's all. I didn't expect you to do that."
"My fault. I keep forgetting...who you are."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded, blood rushing to my face.
"No," he held up his hands in surrender. "It's just that I have to be more cautious with you than other girls and I keep forgetting."
"What?" That was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. "Why?"
"Well, because, someone hurt you really bad before." He walked closer to me. "And I don't want you to think that I would hurt you like that."
My defenses dropped. "I know you wouldn't." I met him the rest of the way and gave him a hug. "I just get nervous sometimes, that's all."
He put his arms around me and mumbled quietly into my neck, "I don't want to let you go."
"You're silly." I pushed him playfully away.
He pulled me back to him and took a deep breath. I felt his chest rise against mine. "Mmm... You smell good." He moved his hands down my back and pulled me closer. "You feel good, too."
I pulled back and gasped, staring down wide-eyed when something...else...rose up against me , too. Then, I realized what I was doing, and that my jaw had dropped down to the floor. Closing my mouth and looking up into his eyes, I saw that he was just as embarrassed. I didn't know what to say. "Um..."
Scott looked down at me with a half grin on his face, and then thoughtfully bit his thumbnail. "Let's go for a swim!" he suggested and ran towards the water. I couldn't figure out for anything why he kept jumping into the ice cold ocean.
Then it dawned on me. Covering my mouth to hide a giggle, I followed him. We swam around for a little while and then Scott ducked under the water. When he came up for air, he magically appeared grinning before me. I gasped, jumped back, and then we simultaneously stopped smiling.
"What?" I asked at the seriousness of his expression.
"What?" he asked back.
I smiled. "I asked you first."
He waded a little closer to me, cautiously at first, and then put his arm slowly around my waist. "I'm sorry I scared you."
I laughed. "Oh, you didn't really scare me."
"No. I mean earlier...before we got in the water."
We looked at each other in silence, and then he leaned in and gave me the sweetest, softest kiss. Then he pulled back to look at me and gave me another quick peck on the lips. I opened my eyes slowly and saw for the first time what he looked like with his guard completely down. It rang clear in his eyes that he was just as afraid of his feelings for me as I was of my feelings for him.
Suddenly he threw his head back and laughed, then swam away.
I shook my head. Boys.
After a few more minutes of dog paddling, I started to get more cramps and headed back toward the shore. By the time I stumbled onto the beach, the cramps had gone away, but I felt like I weighed three hundred pounds. I watched Scott from the sand and saw him look around quickly when he realized that I wasn't with him. Immediately he came back to me.
"Are you ok?" His forehead was creased with concern.
"Yeah, why?"
"I just didn't know why you got out of the water so fast."
"Oh. I just got a little cramp, that's all." He looked alarmed, so I continued on quickly. "I'm alright, though." After hearing the story about his mother, it was becoming clear why he was so worried about me all the time.
"Ok. But you would let me know if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" I nodded. "I don't want you hurting or anything."
I smiled and laid back onto the blanket. Scott plopped down next to me. The sunrays felt magnificent streaming across my damp body. With the gentle sound of waves crashing against the coast and a slight breeze whisking over us, I felt at perfect peace for the first time in over three months. Scott was right. This was exactly what I needed. When I opened my eyes to tell him so, I saw that he was now sitting up and staring intently out into the ocean.
"Hey," I said quietly and poked him in the back, "what are you thinking about?"
"You."
"Me? What about me?"
He positioned his body so that he was now facing me. "I'm just worried about you."
Still lying down, I lifted my arm to shield my eyes from the brilliant sun. All I could see was the shadowy outline of his face. "Why are you worried about me?"
"Because you don't feel well."
"How do you know how I feel?"
"I just do," he answered in his always matter-of-fact tone. As if on cue, another sharp cramp rushed through me. This one was far worse than any I'd ever had before and I put a hand over my lower abdomen, sucking in my breath. Startled, Scott put his hand over my mine. "Are you alright?"
I held my breath until the cramp passed. "Yeah, I'm alright."
"I think we should go."
"What? We just got here! I'm not going anywhere," I stated defiantly and snapped my sunglasses back on. Scott didn't move his hand, but began rubbing my stomach in a slow circular motion. "What are you doing?" I demanded.
"I'm just trying to make you feel better." There was a hint of sadness in his voice.
"Well don't," I snapped and brushed his hand away.
Scott looked down at me for a while, then asked haltingly,
"Rica...do you still have stitches from..."
"No."
"Oh. That's good." He paused and then asked, "Well, does it still hurt...where...they were?"
"Sometimes." I suddenly became self-conscious and sat up.
"Oh. So...do you think that's why you're hurting now?"
"I don't know Scott." Then I sighed, knowing that there was no reason for me to be so irritated all of a sudden. "Let's talk about something else."
"Ok..." He looked around, trying to think of something to say.
The moment that had once been so comfortable and peaceful now became embarrassing and awkward. Finally, I asked, "Scott?" He looked wordlessly in my direction. "Have you ever made a girl cry before?"
"Yeah..." he answered reluctantly. "I guess I've made a few girls cry before."
"I mean, when you were...doing it."
"What?" his tone was both embarrassed and amused. "No. Why would I do that?"
"Well, I was just wondering if...does it always turn guys on to see a girl cry, or...you know, in pain?"
Understanding suddenly flooded his face. "You mean like when..." I nodded. "No. That's just...crazy. Most guys would never do what Lucky did to you. I mean some would, so you have to be careful, ok?" He looked at me directly until I nodded in agreement. "But that's not how guys are and that's not what sex is like at all. That was...rape."
"I don't think he raped me," I interjected quickly, mostly out of habit.
"Did you want him to stop?" I nodded. "Did he know this?"
"I think so." Scott gave me a hard look. I looked down and picked at the blanket. "Yes, he knew. I just don't like the way it sounds to say what he did."
"Ok. Then I won't say it, but you do understand that's what happened, right?" I nodded. "I just don't want you to think that every time you get into a sexual situation that it's going to end up like that. And I don't want you to think that every guy you're alone with has a potential of doing that to you. Because that's not true."
"Yeah..." but my voice sounded doubtful.
Scott tilted his head to the side. "You mean you didn't know that?" He looked down, then back up at me. "So...you really thought that all of us could do that?"
"Well, I don't know. I mean, how would I know what guys are like? I'm a girl!" I looked away shyly. "The only person I ever found out anything about sex from was Tia...and I guess Lucky." Scott's faced hardened.
"Damn..." Scott shook his head and looked away.
"What?"
"I just realized how young you really are, that's all."
"I'm not much younger than you! You just turned sixteen a few months ago! And I'm about to turn fifteen, so don't even."
"I know, but...you're so innocent. It makes you seem younger."
"Innocent, huh?" I smiled hollowly and patted my stomach. "Ok."
"That doesn't mean anything, just because you've had sex before...or even that you're pregnant. When it happened, I don't think you even knew what was really happening to you. And it probably confused you even more when you saw me with that girl right before ..."
At his words, my heart jumped into my throat and all of the terror that I had felt that night in the backseat of Lucky's car came rushing back to me. I covered my face with my hands and started to cry. How could Scott know these things when I didn't even realize why I was weary of all boys - not just Lucky - until he had called the source of my confusion out loud?
He rubbed my back gently. "Don't cry. It's ok. Are you crying because you're still afraid?" I nodded my head. "Of Lucky?" I nodded my head again. His jaw clenched and he stiffened when he took his hand away. "Is he still bothering you?"
Quickly, I dried my tears and shook my head. "Oh no, no... He's not. He doesn't even talk to me at all...thanks Scott." He gave me a surprised look and, remembering that I wasn't even supposed to know about their confrontation, I added hurriedly "...for asking."
His eyes narrowed. "Are you sure?" I nodded. "Good. Hey..." he hesitated. "Are you afraid of me?" I didn't answer. "I mean, I know you don't trust me a whole lot, but," I looked at him apologetically. He waved the look away. "It's all good. But I just realized something. Are you afraid of me because you think I could have done to that girl what Lucky did to you that night?" His eyes widened in anger. "Did he make you...?"
I jumped at the violent shift and swiftly took the thought from his mind. "No, Scott. He didn't make me do that. And I'm not a little kid, either. I know you weren't gonna hurt that girl. This is two totally different things. You were so gentle with her, and Lucky was the complete opposite with me..." Scott looked away embarrassed and I stopped talking.
"I'm really sorry you saw that. I promise if I had known..."
I sighed loudly. "How many times are you going to apologize? I thought we were past all that. I'm just saying that I know you wouldn't have forced her to do anything. I just don't really know the difference."
"What difference? In what?"
"I mean, like...how can I tell what a guy is going to do?"
"You mean...if he wants to have sex with you?" I nodded. He squinted in concentration. "I guess...he would probably tell you, or maybe say something about it. And you can tell by the way he looks at you or the way he kisses you. If he tries to touch you or something, too, but definitely by the way he looks at you. That's a good one. Oh! One for sure way to tell, though, is if he gets hard..."
Scott stopped suddenly and his face turned bright red with embarrassment.
I also blushed and pulled the sarong tighter around my legs. "So you mean like when I hugged you..." He was at a loss for words. "Scott?"
"I...uh...I..." he paused to think about what he was trying to say. "Ok. First of all, I wasn't trying to have sex with you, alright?" He held up his hands where I could see them. I smiled. He killed me when he did that. "Let me see. How do I explain..."
He laughed and shook his head, then ran a shaky hand through his semi-wet hair.
"Sometimes..." He stopped again. "You never took sex education class?" I shot him a dirty look. "Sorry, sorry. I didn't really learn anything in that class either. Well...any random thing can turn us on, Rica, but not to the point where we just have to have sex. And I am attracted to you, and all that earlier did turn me on but..." he stopped and didn't say anything else.
"Why did you stop?"
"No reason." He looked down. "I was just going to say that I really do think you're sexy as hell and I am very attracted to you, especially today...right now even. I can't help it. I've wanted to kiss you all day, and do more than that...but I won't if you don't want me to." He looked up. "And even if you did want to...I still wouldn't do anything more than kiss you because it's... not a good time..."
I tilted my head curiously.
"I know it might seem like guys are only trying to get in girls' pants sometimes, but we usually know what a girl is and isn't ready to do. Believe me, Rica, even if a guy wanted to have sex with you...and that will happen a lot," he nodded like he was agreeing with himself, "don't think that you have to do it just because he wants to, and don't think that he's going to rape you just because you can tell he's turned on. It's ok to turn somebody on, but if you don't want to sleep with him, make it very clear before he thinks he's about to get it. You know what I mean?"
"Yeah. I don't want to have sex with you Scott."
He looked offended. "I know that! I wasn't talking about me."
I laughed. "Just kidding. But...I also don't want to confuse you, either...."
"Don't worry. Just kissing isn't confusing anybody, as long as you don't let him..." he looked at me. "Everybody kisses...sitting up." Scott was cracking me up with his awkwardness, but he was so serious. "Ok?"
I nodded. "Ok."
He breathed a deep sigh of relief. "Ok." He smiled. "So did I answer your question?"
"Kind of. Scott?"
"Uh-oh. Another one? That was hard enough!"
"No, it's not a question. I just think I...I think that I confused Lucky and that's why he did what he did."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I was really drunk when I got in the car with him and I kind of dozed off. When I woke up, I saw that we were in an empty parking lot and I got really scared because I thought that he was going to beat me up. But then he started talking about me sleeping with..." I caught myself, "...someone else when I wouldn't even give it up to him and he got really mad. Then he started pushing me around and I panicked, so I thought that if I was nice to him, he wouldn't hurt me. So I told him that we could get back together and he said it was too late and then he pushed me into the backseat and ch-checked to see...if I was telling the truth about not having sex with...anyone else..."
Scott nodded, looking sick.
"It hurt so bad Scott." A tear slipped down my nose. "He said ok so I was still a virgin, but he was still going to get what he put in work for. So I thought maybe if I messed around with him a little he wouldn't be mad anymore. I mean, I just kissed him. That's all. I promise. I gave him one kiss when he leaned over to me. But then he kept going when I tried to push him away and before I knew it..."
I started sobbing again, my voice becoming shrill with panic. "I promise I tried to push him away. But after it was over he said that I didn't try to stop him and not to tell anybody what happened because it would only make me look like a ho...and..." I picked at my nails. "Then...he...turned me around...and...pushed my face up against the window and said 'this is how it feels to be raped. I'll do this to you every day for the rest of your life if you tell anyone.' And then he...it really felt like he was trying to kill me."
I covered my face in humiliation and sobbed even harder. I had never told anyone exactly what happened before, not even the counselor, and it was like feeling him inside of me all over again. I was afraid to look over at Scott because I just knew that he would be looking disgusted, and that was the last thing that I wanted to see right then.
Scott's quiet voice broke the silence. He sounded strained and angry, but at the same time very, very sad. "Rica, look at me."
"No, I can't." I mumbled from behind my hands. "I just...can't."
He took my hands away and made me look at him. The pain in his eyes only made me feel worse. "Baby, you didn't make him do that to you." He shook his head and said quieter, "It's not your fault. You're right, you shouldn't have kissed him if you knew you didn't want to, but he knew that you didn't want to have sex with him."
"How do you know?" I looked down again.
"Because guys know these things. Some are jerks and will try to talk you into doing it anyway, but a normal guy wouldn't go beyond just trying to convince you. And knowing you, you probably made it clear before he even started talking that you didn't even want to be in the car with him in the first place. He knew what was up. Whatever you did, it didn't confuse him to the point where he wouldn't know to stop when you started crying. That guy has problems, Rica, and he hurt you on purpose. I know how pissed he was when he even thought you were messing with me. He was probably thinking of hurting you when he offered you the ride home."
"It wasn't because of that. When we first broke up he said he was going to get me. I guess he meant it." Something dawned on me. "Wait...you knew about him being pissed at you?"
"Hell yeah! Who didn't? But I didn't know that he would hurt you because of it. And not even really because of that. Lucky was just mad that you seem so easy to control and you're not. It had nothing to do with you turning him on. He pulled into that parking lot before you kissed him. He already knew that he was going to do something that he didn't want anybody else to see. It wasn't anything you did, sweetie. It wasn't even the fact that you were around me a lot. It was probably more something like...you wouldn't do what he said. But there's really no telling what the hell he was thinking, Rica," he held my hand. "He's crazy. What I do know is that it wasn't your fault."
"Well, if it was because I didn't do what he said, then it was my fault."
"How you figure that?"
"Because, if he did it because I wouldn't sleep with him when we were together...then maybe I should have just given him what he wanted. That would've been a lot easier."
"What?" Scott almost shouted. "Hell no, Rica. That's not how it works! You really don't know anything about sex, do you? This ain't no car jack. You don't just give up what you have just because some fool says he wants it. If you don't want to have sex, then you don't have to. If he gets mad, then that's on him. You didn't sleep with Lucky because you didn't want to. That's ok. That's what you were supposed to do. Believe me. I've had plenty o' girls say they didn't want to give it up, so I just left 'em alone. I didn't try to take something just because it wasn't given to me. That's stealing, Rica, like a criminal. You don't have to give anything to anybody. You especially don't have to give yourself." He put his hand gently under my chin and made me look at him. "I want you to promise me that you won't ever do that."
"Do what?"
"That you won't ever sleep with a guy just because you're afraid that he'll force you if you don't do it voluntarily." I looked down, embarrassed. "I'm serious, Rica. Don't ever do that, because then he really wouldn't have raped you, but you'll still feel like he did. That's how a lot of misunderstandings happen and how a lot of guys get into trouble that shouldn't. But this thing between you and Lucky, that wasn't a misunderstanding. You did exactly what you were supposed to do, alright?"
I nodded. Scott made a lot of sense I noticed, and I decided that I should ask him for advice more often.
"Scott? Can I ask you something else?"
He ran a shaky hand over the back of his neck and laughed nervously. "Come on girl, you're killing me. Really. You don't have anybody else that you can talk to about stuff like this?"
"Well...yeah, but I would be too embarrassed."
His whole face broke into a smile. "But you're not embarrassed talking to me?"
"Yeah I am, but I feel like you'll tell me the whole truth if I ask you something. It's kind of like talking to Tia, only I can ask you about guy stuff and you really will know what you're talking about."
He seemed touched that I trusted him like that. "Ok, shoot."
"Well..." I involuntarily broke into a grin. "You know how you keep jumping into the water?"
Scott covered his mouth, threw his head back and laughed out loud. "Ohhh! So now we got jokes?"
"No, no. I'm really very serious. Does that work? I mean, does it help...make it go back down?"
He laughed at my choice of words. "Well, yeah..."
"How?"
He shrugged. "I don't know."
"Well, what would happen if you didn't do that?"
He blushed. "I guess, well, I would have to make it 'go down,' as you say, some other kind of way." I giggled. "No! No! I mean like, well it could be that, or sex...or thinking about something else, or get a girl to..." my eyes grew huge. "No, not today. I'm not talking about now. It all depends on the situation. I mean, if it was a willing girl that made it go up, then she can just make it go back down." We both chuckled, and then he added a little more seriously, "I think we need to talk about something else now."
I blushed and involuntarily looked down at his trunks. He was right. We did need to talk about something else.
"I-I'm sorry," I stammered. "I didn't mean to..."
Scott laughed. "It's all good. I was fine until we started talking about 'making it go up'. Then I guess he knew we were talking about him and wanted to pop up and see what was going on."
I felt myself grinning from ear to ear and covered my face to hide it. After I had gotten over the embarrassment, I looked at him timidly.
"Scott...can I tell you something?"
"Yes. Anything."
"Well...I've never been around a guy with a...when he was getting...you know, and not been kind of intimidated by him."
"Really?"
"Yeah, it feels weird now."
He gave me a perplexed smile and laughed nervously. "Feels weird...how..."
"Well..." I grinned bashfully and looked away.
Scott had the strangest expression as he watched me struggle with my words. It was almost as if he wanted to disappear, but there was nowhere for him to go.
"Can I...will you...?"
"Will I what...?" he turned beat red.
"Well, I'm not afraid of you right now, and I am kind of curious. I just want to know..."
"Rica," Scott cut me off, "I am not having sex with you."
"Oh!" I laughed, blushing. "No, no. That's not what I was going to say at all. I just wanted to know if...well, I..." I took a deep breath. "I'm kind of afraid of sex now, well guys period, I guess. So I was thinking that if maybe I could...never mind."
I suddenly lost my nerve.
"No, what?" He no longer had his earlier look of uncertainty, but was now watching me curiously, hanging on to my every word.
I took another deep breath and rushed on. "Can I touch...you...it? I mean can I see what it's like to do that? Um, with somebody that's not intimidating."
Scott ran his trembling fingers through his hair and looked at me for a long, long time. Then he broke into a nervous grin.
"Are you serious? I mean, that would be a very mean joke to play on me right now if you're not. " He was serious.
"No. I'm not playing...I don't want you to think that. I just want to know what it's like...to do something like that and not be afraid of what you might do back to me."
I was shaking with nervousness now, and began to think twice about what I was saying. Did it really make any sense?
"I just think that if I keep being afraid like I am now, then I'll never trust anybody enough to even just kiss them and not be worried about it ever again. And I'm still way too afraid to mess around with anyone...or else I'd probably ask if we could make out..."
Scott had this silly lopsided grin on his face and once again ran a trembling hand through his hair. He did that a lot when he was at a loss for words. I looked away from him.
"I just trust you a lot, Scott. I know it doesn't seem like it, but even the fact that I can say this to you and not worry about you being mad at me if I never go any further than just asking shows me how much I must trust you. So..."
Scott sensed that I would just keep talking if he didn't say something soon, so he asked, "Are you sure? I don't really understand why you think it would help but...I'll do what I can..." He spread his hands out and grinned. Slowly, the smiled faded from his lips and he said softly, "Come here."
I didn't move. I hadn't really expected him to be so open to my suggestion, but was glad that he was. There was only one problem.
"I...I'm scared."
He put his hands down. "Then don't do it." He looked at me. "Do you remember what I said about not doing anything you don't want to do?" I nodded. "Well, this is one of those times. Even if it was your idea." He smiled softly and winked at me.
I crawled hesitantly over to him, but stopped just short of his side of the blanket. Scott sat very still and watched me. I guess he figured that any sudden movements would send me scurrying back over to my side. Cautiously, he held out his hand and I took it. He pulled me slowly to him and kissed me.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. "Um, Scott? Do you promise you won't think...I mean, you know I don't want to..."
He put a finger to my lips. "I know."
"I just don't want you to think that I'm teasing you," I began, and then stopped.
He shook his head and moved my fingers down over his chest. Before he could move them too low, though, I quickly pulled my hand away. He leaned back and looked at me. I was afraid that I had angered him until humor crossed over his face.
"What?"
"Nothing." He chuckled softly.
"What, Scott?"
"Nothing. It's just...you're funny to me. That's all."
"Why?"
"Well, you come up with this crazy idea that this will make you not afraid of sex anymore...which is good, but you don't need to be trying to get ready to have sex anyway, because any fool could see that you're not ready for it. And this one little thing..." he stopped, then pointed down. "Not this little thing. This is a big thang," he grinned at me. "I mean this one little act, is scaring the hell out of you. Baby," he kissed my hand, "I'm chillin.' If you think that you're doing this for my benefit, to make me feel like you're not afraid of me, don't. Because I know you still are."
He paused for a long time, like he was reliving my nightmare for me.
"I don't blame you, though. You've been through a whole lot in a little bit of time. I'm happy just to sit here and spend the day with you...keeping my hands to myself. Of course...if you really do think that this will make you feel better, which I don't blame you for either, since I have been known to have healing powers," he winked at me again when I giggled and looked away, "then go ahead, if you want to. But a word of warning...pretty soon it's going to be time for me to take another swim." With a chuckle he added, "Hopefully the water's still cold."
I laughed and suddenly felt silly. Scott was my friend. I didn't need to be afraid of him. Otherwise, I would have never even come this far out alone with him.
"Hey," he began playfully. "Maybe you'd feel better if you showed me yours first."
"No!" I said a little too loudly and backed away. "No. I don't want you to touch me, ok?"
He shrugged. "Ok." Then he leaned back on his elbows and hooked his feet casually at the ankles.
As he looked up at me with a devilish smirk, I wondered how I could have ever thought this guy was dangerous. He seemed to think that my request was more funny than anything else. Scott winked at me again and clicked his tongue. Then he looked away casually and bit his lip, licking it a little.
I looked down at his handsome face and was suddenly struck with the same feeling that overcame me when his hands had brushed against my neck. Only this time, I wasn't afraid of the feeling. I slowly moved closer to him and then sat right next to him.
Scott didn't move, but was once again watching my every move. His eyes scanned my eyes, then traveled down to my mouth and over my neck. Casually he slid his eyes down to my chest and over the rest of my body, and then he slowly worked his eyes back up to my own. When he saw that I was watching him do this, he grinned and bit his lip again. Then he looked down at his own swim trunks and back up at me. He knew that my eyes would follow his.
I had read somewhere that when you were pregnant you got super horny. I figured now that it must be true, because this was nothing like anything that I would have ever done before. I also knew, though, that something about this whole scenario...was kind of crazy.
"Scott?"
He smiled knowingly at me. "Yeah?"
"I don't want to. I mean, I want to. I just...don't want to..."
"Ok."
By the nonchalant tone in his voice, I could tell that he knew the whole time that I wouldn't go through with it. He had said himself that my reasoning didn't make any sense.
"I would just feel stupid..."
He sat up. "You don't have to explain anything to me."
I always melted at the sound of his voice and that sexy off the wall accent. "But can I ask you for a favor?" I whispered shyly.
"You've gotta be kidding me!" he exclaimed. I laughed.
His smile faded and he bit his lip again. All this time I thought he was trying to be fly, but right then I realized that he bit his lip every time he didn't know what I was about to say next.
"Can I have a kiss instead?" I asked shyly. Usually, he was the one trying to kiss me and I was the one pushing him away.
Scott's face lit up and he gently caressed my cheek. "You can have anything you want," he answered earnestly.
He sat up and leaned into me slowly as his soft lips feathered across my mouth. Then he leaned into me even further and I leaned back. I could feel all of him slide up against me. He felt so warm, and I felt like ice. It was like I melted right into his hands. He took his tongue and slowly flicked it across my ear and up my neck, then across my cheek. I thought about the night that he had kissed me on Tia's couch and it seemed like such a long time ago. Scott, true to his word, never touched me anywhere other than my face.
He kissed my cheek again and then carefully brushed the tip of his tongue against my own. When I didn't resist, he slipped his tongue further in and tickled the roof of my mouth and the back of my lip. I giggled.
He smiled, sliding somewhat on top of me and gently began to kiss me with what felt like a series of small kisses, but was really just one big one. It was strange, but I liked it. He laced his fingers through mine, and then moved my hand down to his swimming trunks. I was so into the kiss that I didn't even know what he was doing until I felt the smooth nylon material below my fingers. He continued to kiss me, but I pulled back to look at him.
Just that quick my lips were numb. As a matter of fact, my whole body felt numb. He bit his bottom lip again.
Running my shaky fingers slowly over the bulge in his pants, I whispered in an even shakier voice, "Can I see...it?"
Scott was looking at me with the goofiest grin. Then he laughed and sat up on his knees. "I guess..."
I did the same and slowly pulled his trunks back. "Wow! It's... kinda big..." I gasped, eyes wide.
"Well yeah," he said as if I should have already guessed. "That's what I been trying to tell you. Wait a minute..." He laughed. "Don't tell me you bought into that whole thing about white guys did you?"
"What thing..." My mouth suddenly dropped open. "No! I can't believe you just said that Scott." He shrugged and gave me an even wider grin. I looked down into his pants again, then back up at him. "Can I touch it...?"
"Yeah, go ahead. You're already halfway down there now." I couldn't believe how funny he thought this whole thing was.
If anyone had walked passed right then, I would have died. I'm sure we looked like two pervy kids playing doctor.
Scott kind of bit his lip again and I knew that neither one of us would ever be able to tell anybody about this day. When I reached down to touch him, though, Scott suddenly sucked in his breath and grabbed my wrist. I looked up, startled. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were closed tight.
He took another deep breath, loosened his grip on my wrist and opened his eyes slowly. "I think...you should stop now." Then he attempted a carefree smile, but it came out forced.
Quickly I pulled away from him. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to...I wasn't trying to..."
"It's ok." He said, also backing away from me. Then he sat back on the blanket and looked down. The bulge in his pants was now sticking straight up. I looked away and giggled nervously. He looked back at me and started laughing too. "I think...it's time to go swimming."
He stood up and held out his hands to help me up. After I had made it safely to my feet, he let go of me and sprinted out into the water.
Still giggling, I followed slowly behind.