Two weeks have gone by at a steady pace. Not too fast and not too slow. Tolerable.
Niall and I haven’t been speaking much at all. I know he is bothered by me working with Josh, but it’s not like I made the partners for this project. He seems to be getting along well with James. Which if I’m being honest, is kind of bothering me. They seem like they are getting close. Fast. Is James gay? I think he dated that cheerleader Jennifer last year, but I guess that doesn’t matter. He could be bi.
We are in English class now. It’s Friday and there is only about 15 minutes remaining for this class to be over. I'm glad too. We aren’t even working on our projects today but instead going over some type of writing style. I am terribly bored and annoyed at the same time.
Every time I look over to Niall, he and James are smiling at each other and whispering like they are in their own little world. I know Niall is a friendly guy and he is a people magnet, but it doesn’t seem to stop this jealousy forming in me. I want to be in James’ position. I just have to keep telling myself that they are just partners and this is just for the project, but I can feel Niall slipping away. I only have myself to blame.
These past two weeks I have been going over to Josh’s after school almost every day and have plans to go over there tonight as well. It still feels strange to be back at Josh’s but I am honestly enjoying the time we are spending together. It’s kind of like old times except for the snogging and ummm…other stuff. There have been a few times where we were close to kissing but I pulled away. I don’t think I am ready for that yet or if I even want to go there again. He hurt me so badly, I’m not sure I will ever be able to go back to our relationship. It’s not for a lack of him trying though. Josh has said over and over that he wants me back and that he misses me and that he should have never let me go. I was very strong at the beginning of the beginning of this project but now, I just don’t know. It’s Josh. The boy I love or loved. I’m not sure.
I am now sat in Josh’s car heading back to his house to work on our paper. When we arrive we immediately go up to his room and get to work researching more information on Paris and the sites and monuments and what not. I look up from my book to see Josh staring at me.
“Ummm Josh? Do you mind? You staring at me is kinda creepy!” I say with a slight chuckle.
“I can’t help it. You’re beautiful, Harry.” He says and starts to make his way over to the window bench where I am sitting.
He sits next to me and takes the book from my hand and tosses it onto the floor. I just look at him not really knowing what to do. I am frozen. He gently grazes his fingers across my cheek.
“No Josh. We are meant to be studying. I don’t want to go there with you.”
“Harry, please. Just one kiss. I miss your lips on mine. You know that they were a perfect fit. We belong together Harry. I still love you.” He says as he is leaning in and gently pulling my face to his.
“Josh” I whisper as our lips are getting closer and closer.
“please….I can’t….”
He cuts me off with his lips placed on mine. I don’t move. I am still. My lips are stationary. He tries to get me to move my lips and I am sticking to my ground and not moving my lips. I can’t give in, I keep telling myself. But Josh knows my sensitive areas and knows how to get me going and with a slight tug of the hair at the base of my head I give in and start moving my lips in sync with his.
The kiss feels familiar but at the same time foreign. I remember dreaming of the day that I would get to kiss him again and here we are now, kissing, but it’s not like I imagined it would be. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel something but I can’t help but think it might be closure. Was this kiss telling me that I have finally moved on? Was I over Josh?
He started to deepen the kiss and his hand started to make their way up under my shirt. I can’t allow this to go on. I don’t want any more to come of this. All that I can think of now is how much better Niall’s lips fit mine. Niall’s hands caress my chest better. Niall is better. I want Niall.
I repeat that in my mind a few times. ‘I want Niall’, ‘I want to be kissing Niall’, ‘I want Niall’s hands holding me’ and I start to push Josh away to stop the kiss. He looks at me with lust filled eyes and starts to go in to kiss along my jaw and neck. As soon as the first kiss is placed on my neck, I gently push back.
“No Josh. I don’t want this.” I said, looking directly into his eyes.
“Harry, I know you want this. I know you aren’t over me, over us.” He replied.
“Yea Josh. I thought that I still wanted us, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore. I honestly think that I have moved on.”
He looks down at this point like I had just crushed him.
“Harry” he says as he takes my hand in his.
“I still want this. I want us back and I will get you back Harry. We belong together. You are mine. You will always be mine.” He says as his tone gets stronger like he is telling me what to do.
I get up and make my way to the door.
“Where are you going?” he asks
“I just need to be alone now Josh.“ I say as he quickly makes his way over to me and holds onto my waist.
“No, Harry. Stay, please. You have to stay with me.” He says, pleading.
“I can’t Josh. I need to go.”
I remove his hands from my waist, collect my belongings and exit his bedroom and then his front door.
That night sleep did not come easy. I was some what happy that I finally figured out that I am over Josh. That kiss, while nice, was all that I needed to realize that what Josh and I had is in the past and that I only want one pair of lips on mine from now on and those lips belonged to Niall. I missed Niall. I missed his company. I missed his laugh, his eyes, his smile and his lips.
It was about 11:30pm and I still couldn’t fall asleep. I decided that I need to text Niall. I nervously grabbed my phone, selected his name and began typing.
To: Niall
Hi. I just wanted to say goodnight and that I miss you. –Harry xx
I waited what seemed like forever for a response but after about 15 minutes my phone started to buzz.
From: Niall
Goodnight, Harry. – Niall
My heart sank. I messed up. I knew that I have been somewhat ignoring him these past two weeks because I was spending most of my time with Josh.
Tears started to form in my eyes. He didn’t miss me? Had he already moved on? I know we weren’t technically together yet but did I push him away? ‘of course you pushed him away, you idiot!’ I thought. My mind was racing, tears falling and sobs coming from my mouth. How can I fix this? What could I do to let him know that I want to be with him. I finally drifted off to sleep with the tears still flowing and my mind still racing.
I woke up and looked at my clock. Wow, 1:00pm. I must have been exhausted. I got up and made my way to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. How awful! My eyes were puffy and red from all the crying. I turned the water on in the shower and got in and relaxed as the hot water hit my tense muscles. I began to think about what I could do to see Niall and tell him that I want to be with him.
Would he want to be with me now after basically ignoring him while I spent time with Josh? I don’t know. I am honestly scared that I have lost him. He said he would wait for a little bit for me to get over Josh, but has that time expired? Has he given up?
Then an idea popped into my head. A smile came across my face.
I’ll go to that bar to night. It’s Saturday and he plays there at the open mic night usually every Saturday. I am reminded of our date and how great it was. I was truly happy.
‘Yup!’ I thought. That’s what I am going to do. I am going to go listen to him sing and then after I will tell him that I know now that he is the one that I want to be with. This is a perfect idea.
I told the boys of my plan later and they seemed to be happy that I finally came to my senses. They had asked if I wanted them to go with me for moral support but this was something that I needed to do on my own and hopefully have a little alone time with Niall afterward. They all wished me good luck and said they were proud. I love them!
I was now in front of the bar. My stomach doing flips. All of the courage that I had earlier today was leaking out of me. I was a nervous wreck! I looked down at my outfit making sure it was ok. It took me like two hours to decide on this outfit. I must have changed ten different times before going with my usual band tee, skinny jeans and chucks. I began to walk to the front door.
I took a seat in a dimly lit corner. I wanted it to kind of be a surprise that I was here. I didn’t want him to see me just yet. In my mind I would wait until after his set was over and would meet him at the bar afterwards.
There were some good performers here tonight but I wasn’t really paying that close of attention. I still hadn’t seen Niall yet. When we were here last week we sat upfront and watched the other musicians until it was his turn to go on. Was he not here tonight? That would suck!
I am pulled from my thoughts when I hear “Let’s give it up for Niall Horan!”
The crowd cheered. He was after all, the favorite. He was my favorite.
He began to speak. Oh that voice. That accent. He makes me weak in the knees. It’s a good thing I am sitting down.
He does a couple covers which were amazing. I knew that I was making the right decision. I really liked him and was completely starting to fall for him. Hard.
After the second cover he sang was finished he began to speak.
“Thank you all so much for the warm reception. I appreciate it! I have been working on a new song and I just finished it yesterday. I am thinking that I will play it now and hopefully you’ll enjoy it.”
The audience clapped and I was excited to hear what he wrote. The song he wrote and sang last time I was here on our date was amazing and I know this one would be equally great. He looked so nervous about revealing this song. It must mean a lot to him. The first cords started to make their way around the bar and he began to sing.
“I’m broken. Do you hear me. I’m blinded. Cause you are everything I see………….”
He continued on with the first verse and it was so beautiful and then the chorus came
“when he opens his arms and holds you close tonight, it just won’t feel right. Cause I can love you more than this. When he lays you down I might just die inside. It just don’t feel right. Cause I can love you more than this. I can love you more than this.”
At this point tears are slowly making their way down my cheek. I quickly wipe them away as the song continues.
“………I can love you more than this.”
And with that last line the song is over and the crowd cheered and gave him a standing ovation. There was a huge smile on his face but sadness in his eyes. I knew that song was about us. I could tell that I’ve hurt him. But if he wrote that song about us, maybe I still had a chance.
He had left the stage and I saw him head towards the side exit. I made my way outside and walked across the street. I was standing on the opposite sidewalk looking at the front of the building when I saw him make his way up the ally on the side of the building guitar case in hand. I quickly adjusted my shirt and was about to walk across the street to be with him. Then I froze in my tracks.
It was James. He walked out of the front and ran up to Niall and they embraced. Niall had a smile on his face that matched James’ smile. Tears started to fall. And then my heart broke when I saw James’ lips meet Niall’s cheek.
I ran. I didn’t want to stick around for what was going to happen next.
I lost him.