As promised, Lauren woke up a couple mornings later with the intention of speaking with Camila. However, she couldn't bring herself to face those memorizing, warm, brown eyes and not pull Camila in for a hug. It was now past ten in the morning and she needed to do something before Camila would leave for the day.
Lauren wiped her sweaty palms on her pants before making her way to the living room where she assumed Camila was. When she entered the room, Camila was at the door putting on shoes.
"Camila," Lauren called out. Camila almost didn't turn her head, she didn't believe Lauren was calling her; especially after the other day. "Do you have a second?"
"I was about to head out," Camila awkwardly pointed her thumb behind her to the door.
"Please?" Lauren pleaded.
"Yeah, okay." Camila nodded, slipping off her jacket. Her gaze stayed on the ground but she still felt Lauren's piercing eyes on her. Without saying anything, Camila made her way to the couch, only lifting her head once she was sure Lauren was walking to her. Camila was surprised when Lauren took the seat next to her.
"I'm so sorry for how I acted yesterday. It wasn't fair to you. I'm ready to tell you everything but that doesn't mean we can go back to being us again. Not right now. I'm not saying to take a break or break up," Camila let out a breath of relief. "But I'm saying not to jump each other right away." Lauren cringed at her choice of words.
"I'm all ears." Camila encouraged her to begin. Lauren looked down at her lap, as if she was planning or what she was going to say. Camila took this time to examine Lauren's tired appearance. Her eyes were dark, more grey than green and instead of Lauren's trademark black eyeliner, she sported dark bags just above her cheek bones, bringing attention to her eyes for different reasons. Camila noticed the natural rouge in Lauren's cheeks and was incredibly tempted to reach over and run the pad of her thumb along Lauren's incredibly soft skin.
"You were really drunk a few nights ago," Lauren swallowed. "And when you came home you were adamant about having sex there and then. You mentioned Selena saying how I have a short leash on you and that you're not your own person in the relationship. I thought you were just repeating what Selena said but then,"
"Laur-" Camila's brows furrowed.
"Let me finish. You got on top of me and tried to take off my clothes and it was like I couldn't stop you. It wasn't until Dinah came and took you to bed that you kinda gave up." Lauren looked down.
"Oh my god, Lauren I-I'm speechless." Camila stuttered out in awe.
"It's not even that, when I tried saying no you said 'Let me make my own decisions'. Camila, I'm not mad at you, I'm stunned at the situation. I didn't recognize you at all. That wasn't the girl I fell in love with. " Camila held back a shaky cry by biting down on her lip, hard.
"Lauren, that's not me, you know that's not me. Fuck. I'm so sorry, you need to believe me, Lo" Camila reached out to place a hand on Lauren's knee. She noticed Lauren flinch and there was no holding back her tears now. "It's not an excuse, but I was so drunk. I'm not that girl, you know me. You love me." Camila said hopefully.
"I'm not breaking up with you but we need to talk about this." Lauren reassured her and Camila nodded, acknowledging how emotional she just became and how Lauren was still cold as ice. "What do you remember?"
"Um, I remember leaving the apartment and you were talking to Selena then you gave me quite the kiss goodbye." Camila chuckled nervously, running a hand through her long brown locks when she realized Lauren wouldn't be laughing with her. "Did she say anything to you?"
"Should she have?" Lauren asked.
"No, not that I know of, but Selena is known for blowing things out of proportion." Camila informed.
"She just told me that she had her eye on you," Lauren paused. "And that you had your eye on her as well." Camila was slightly taken aback. "I didn't believe the last part. Only the first part, because, well, who wouldn't have their eye on you." Lauren's eyes widened in horror from realizing what she just said. The blush that crept onto Camila's cheeks didn't go unnoticed by Lauren as she quickly scrambled to continue.
"So," Camila drew out the word, reminding Lauren of the story she was in the middle of telling.
"She said that if it wasn't for me, you'd be hers right now." Lauren pursed her lips as her eyes read Camila's surprised expression. "Is that it?"
"No," Camila began, shaking her head. "I remember getting there and meeting up with a couple more girls. We got a table, danced, took shots, but that's all I remember."
Lauren closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Did you kiss anyone else?" Lauren dared to ask.
"No, oh my god, no! I texted a few people just to make sure but even drunk me knows that's not okay." Camila reassured.
"Drunk you doesn't really have a good rep right now." Lauren reminded. Camila took her lip between her teeth. "Camila, do you feel tied down?"
"No," She responded plainly.
"Am I too controlling?"
"No." Camila shook her head.
"Then talk to me, please, what made all of this happen?" Lauren begged, reaching over to take Camila's hand in her own but quickly stopping herself.
"I'm sorry," Camila admitted. "I'm so sorry. I don't feel like that, I would tell you, you know I would, Lo."
"Then what happened?" Lauren swallowed hard, the lump in her throat getting bigger by the second.
"I-I don't know." Camila answered truthfully, adverting her gaze elsewhere.
"Okay." Lauren mumbled. Camila noticed the shakiness in her voice and felt her heart being torn apart. "We're not breaking up." Lauren said but then quickly added. "Unless you want to."
"No, God no." Camila shook her head.
"But I don't know what to say right now and you don't seem to either. I'm gonna work at this, we're going to get back to where we were but I need to see it too. I'm scared, Camila, I'm worried that I don't know what the next step is from here." Lauren admitted, feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment.
"I'll work," Camila agreed. "Whatever it takes because you don't know how sorry I am."
"It's not that we don't communicate, because we do. Like you just said, it's not that you have any problems with us. It just seems that there's no wound to address."
"I know." Camila spoke.
Lauren just nodded, stuck not knowing what else there was to say. Keeping her eyes down, she reached over and grabbed Camila's hand. A warm, familiar feeling over came her and she took a breath. Her hand squeezed Camila's and Lauren stood up. Camila didn't dare to watch Lauren walk back to her room.
At least they spoke, Camila was grateful for that, but she felt as if they had taken one step forward and two steps back. Camila didn't honestly feel like that, she assumed that whatever Selena had said that night stuck in her head. Sure, Camila was a horny drunk, but she would never purposely do anything to make Lauren uncomfortable, let alone harmful.
~~~~~
Lauren was fast asleep by the time Camila got home that night. She cracked the bedroom door just enough to observe Lauren's sleeping figure and for light music to fill her ears.
Camila was careful not to make the door creak as she entered. She went over to huge window in Lauren's room and pulled back the curtains. Lauren's favourite part of the room was the view of the sky and the red brick building next door she had at any time of the day. Lauren would close the blinds when she got changed each night but would often forget to pull the back when she went to bed. It became Camila's job, it was like clock work for her. Camila wondered if her blinds had been closed all week.
Camila went over to the shelf adjacent to Lauren's bed and gently pulled the needle up from the record. She turned the player off before closing the top.
Camila grabbed Lauren's phone, a smile danced on her lips when she saw the lock screen Lauren had set. It was a picture of the two of them in bed laughing. Lauren changed the picture so often that Camila always made it a point to see what picture of the two of them, and occasionally just of her, was there. Camila, on the other hand, has had the same lock screen since the day Lauren asked her out. It was the 'tumblr' picture of Lauren's bum and back, she was wearing her baby blue underwear that read 'will you be my girlfriend?'. Camila proceeded to lower the volume on her phone so the alarm wouldn't scare her the next morning.
Finally, Camila took a seat at the edge of her bed and observed Lauren. She was exhausted, anyone could tell. What was weird was that though Camila could see her tired expression, Lauren seemed so peaceful in the moment. Camila could almost swear the bags under Lauren's eyes were fading in front of her. Camila's thumb ran along Lauren's jaw, gently tracing the fine line.
"I'm sorry, baby." Camila said, barely above a whisper. Camila slowly got up from the bed, searching Lauren's nightstand for her phone in the dark until Lauren's voice interrupted the silence.
"Stay, please." Lauren asked, weakly. Though Lauren couldn't see her, Camila nodded. As she climbed in with Lauren, the bed sank along with her heart. She held back tears as she remembered how much she missed sleeping with her girlfriend and how much she missed her girlfriend in general.
Camila was careful not to overstep any boundaries, she left a couple of inches between their bodies but reached over to lace their fingers together. Lauren backed up into Camila, tugging at her arm and wrapping it around her.
Camila took in the faint smell of vanilla for the first time in what seemed like ages. Lauren's hair was still slightly damp and Camila assumed she had taken a shower not to long ago.
"I'm sorry." She repeated. Lauren didn't answer and Camila decided she either had nothing to say or she fell asleep. She was really hoping it was the latter.
Unlike Lauren who was out like a light, Camila was practically awake the entire night. Pondering about her life, her relationship, her future. The list was endless, but if it remotely had anything to do with Camila, she though about it while Lauren was fast asleep next to her. It was now nearing four in the morning and Camila decided she needed to do something, anything, to rekindle the spark they lost almost a week ago.
Not wanting to leave her girlfriend's side, Camila grabbed Lauren's laptop and positioned herself across from Lauren on the bed, careful to shield the light that was radiating from the screen.
Camila thought back to their first date, the hockey game Lauren took her too was very memorable so she decided to start there. She took to Google, searching for tickets to games in the next week but the only tickets she could find were over $100. She toyed with the idea of asking Oli, remembering that Lauren got tickets from her, but decided against it. As much as she loved Oli, she was really Lauren's friend and she couldn't really ask.
They could always go back to the museum, Camila considered, but decided it seemed like she was half-assing this. There was always the option of the classic dinner but Camila wanted something more. She wanted to find something that would show Lauren she really was going to work at their relationship.
Camila slammed the laptop shut, quickly remembering Lauren was sleeping beside her. Luckily she didn't wake up. She quietly put Lauren's laptop back on her nightstand and reached for the notepad instead. Then, haphazardly wrote down 'Thing's Lauren Likes' on the top of the page and began jotting down ideas.
1- Sports
Camila almost laughed at the word. Her girlfriend could easily pick up any sport but she couldn't kick a ball if her life depended on it. Needless to say, there was no date that was going to revolve around physical activity.
2- Music
Camila pulled out her phone and checked for upcoming local concerts. Much to her dismay, the only concert in the next week was a folk band and, even though Lauren was constantly dragging her to see weird, unknown bands, Camila knew Lauren wouldn't be into this.
3- Me
Camila was stuck and at this point, she really hoped it was true. Lauren had reassured her that they weren't breaking up but Camila was worried that the incident changed how Lauren saw her. Yes, she was confident they could work past this, but she knew it would be a little while before they were back to normal. Camila smirked at the word before moving on.
4- Food
Lauren and Camila were very different when it came to food. Camila could eat like a teenage boy going through puberty but she would eat generic foods like pizza while Lauren was a more adventurous eater. Sushi, being one of Lauren's favourite foods, seemed so profound to Camila. However, in the time they started Lauren had gotten Camila to try some pretty crazy things; one of them being salmon, something Lauren didn't think was that crazy. Basically, food was Lauren's department in the relationship and even if Camila could come up with something, it still just seemed like a plain old dinner date to her and that wasn't enough.
5- Traveling
Now Camila was getting a little unrealistic. She didn't have money for hockey game, let alone a spontaneous trip to Fiji or the south of France. Camila dropped her pen and thought about that for a second. There was something so adorably domestic about the thought of Camila and Lauren traveling the world together. She pictured the two of them checking in together and lying about it being their honeymoon for free champagne. She imagined her and Lauren laying in bed, sporting only hotel robes, eating greasy room service food and watching a movie in a language they couldn't even begin to understand. Camila wondered if Lauren ever had these thoughts. She hoped she did.
6- Movies
Way before dating each other was even a thought, Camila and Lauren always bonded over movies. All five of them did. Lauren would watch a romantic movie and then Camila would have to watch a horror movie in return. Then it clicked, about thirty minutes away from downtown, there was a drive-in movie theatre that opened up a couple days ago.
Camila grabbed her phone and started googling at an inhumanly fast pace, misspelling both 'movie' and 'theatre' in the process. She finally found the park and checked the directions. She figured she would convince Lauren to let her drive, she just needed to pick up her learners permit first, so it would stay a surprise.
With their date all planned, Camila was eager for Lauren to wake up so she could inform her of the plan. If they weren't in such a grey area at the moment, she would've woken Lauren up on the spot. Things were different, but Camila was hoping to change that.
~~~~~
The next morning, Camila was the first one to wake up. The feeling of Lauren's body pressed against her and the incapability to be able to tell which limbs were her own was extremely comforting. She wondered how Lauren would feel.
Glancing at the clock, she figured she should get going if she wanted to get to class and get her permit in the same day. After changing into some comfortable clothes, she looked around Lauren's room for something to write on. She found a blank post-it on top of one of Lauren's textbooks and hoped it wasn't her last one. She grabbed a pen and quickly wrote down a message.
"Have a great day.
I love you,
-C"
She the grabbed her bag and was out the door. The cold immediately hit her cheeks and she buttoned up her jacket. It was times like this she wished she could drive. A week ago, she would've called Selena for a ride but she understood that now, that was basically a death wish.
After ten minutes of walking, she arrived in front of a building that had 'Department Of Motor Vehicles' written in large letters. Pushing the door open, she was met with a long, intimidating line.
Once she got to the front of the line, a woman, who seemingly hated her job, greeted Camila.
"What can I do for you?" She asked in a monotone voice.
"I'm here to get my permit." Camila said, taking out some papers.
"Wrong line." The woman told her, pointed to her left.
"You're kidding, right?" Camila asked, seeing no difference from the line she was in and the line next to her.
"Nope."
"I've been here for forty-five minutes and I have a class in an hour." Camila explained.
"Well then you better hope the line isn't an hour long." She chuckled at her joke but Camila stayed unamused.
"Are you sure there nothing you can do?" Camila begged more than asked. The woman shook her head and then pointed to her left once more.
Frustrated, Camila picked up her papers and went to the end of the other line. Camila readjusted the straps on her bag so it relieved a little bit of the weight on her shoulder and checked her phone for the time.
"Line's pretty crazy, huh?" A feminine voice asked in front of her. Camila lifted her head.
"Yeah, too long." She answered politely, observing the girl. She must've been around Camila's age, maybe a couple years older, shorter than Camila but maybe by an inch or two. She had long brown hair in a high ponytail and was dressed all in black. She looked effortlessly classy.
"I'm Emilie," The girl offered her name. "I usually don't talk to strangers but we're going to be spending the next little while here and you seemed friendlier than that guy." She peaked behind her and Camila followed her gaze to an angry looking businessman.
"I'm Camila, and I'm definitely a better choice." She joked.
"Cocky," Emilie laughed. "I like it. What are you here for?"
"I'm getting my permit, actually. You?" Camila asked, politely.
"My license." She answered. "You seem around my age, how are you only getting your permit now?"
"I'm actually only sixteen,"
"Oh," Her face dropped but she was quick to regain her composure. "That's..." She tried to find the words.
"I'm just kidding, I'm twenty." Camila told her and she exhaled an exaggerated breath.
"Oh, okay, good."
"If sixteen was such a shock, how old are you, then?" Camila asked, stepping forward with the line.
"I'm twenty two." Camila's phone buzzed. "I think that's your phone."
"Yeah, sorry." Camila smiled and dug into her purse. She checked the message. "It's my..." Her voice trailed off.
Lauren (10:58): Have a great day, Camz
Camila smiled, happy that her girlfriend took time to send her a sweet text, even though they were fighting. It wasn't a text full of forgiveness and there was no 'I love you' at the end but it was something; and that's all Camila could ask for.
"Speaking of phones, can I have your number, Camila?" Emilie put an emphasis on Camila's name, as if she was trying out how it sounded.
"It's actually my girlfriend who texted me." Camila informed awkwardly.
"Oh." Emilie said, pursing her lips. She stood there for a little, neither of them knowing what to say or do. Emilie pulled something out of her bag but Camila was too focused on the, now interesting, pattern of the tiles on the floor. "Take my number." She extended her hand. "Just cause you're taken doesn't mean we can't be friends."
"Next," A voice called out.
"That's me," Emilie chuckled. "Have a great day, Camila," Emilie said exactly what her girlfriend had texted her moments ago. She missed her girlfriend.
"What the fuck." Camila mumbled under her breath and then grabbed her phone from her back pocket. She dialed Lauren's number and held the phone to her ear.
"Hello?" Lauren's voice rasped.
"Hey Lo, how are you?" Camila asked.
"I'm good, whats up? Are you okay?" Lauren sounded worried.
"Yeah," Camila breathed out. "I'm good I just wanted to hear your voice. Drive safe, okay?"
"You sure you're okay?" Camila picked up on the fact that Lauren was trying to be as affectionate as possible without being blatantly affectionate, given they were still 'fighting'.
"Yes, all good. Have a great day, I love you."
"You too, I love you." Camila was quick to hang up and the countdown to their date officially began. Camila really needed to fix this, and she was hoping what she had planned would be enough.
-------------------------------------------------------
AN:
50 FUCKING K WTFFFFFFFF THANK YOU SO MUCH HOLY SHIT I haven't even hit 20 chapters and I have 50k reads you guys are incredible.
I started writing this with only the ending in mind and I've been playing this all by ear (queue Normani singing "That's a no no") so for you guys to even give two shits about this is beyond surreal.
Do you guys actually like angst? Is it obvious I'm trying too hard? I apologize if the last two chapters have been literal garbage ahaha but there's a super cute date ( I think) next chapter so bare with me.
Some of my super close friends made this video and if you want to die laughing or you need a pick me up, pls watch this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQd4mmpKXOM&feature=youtu.be
So the next chapter is kinda short, I was wondering if you guys maybe want a second update on Wednesday or thursday or do you guys want me to wait till next week? Let me know!
Have a great week, guys! Please remember to comment and vote!
-Becca