*Bella*
9:28 AM
"Justin," I giggled, being pulled back from the door, trying to hold onto the handle, but let go, continunig to laugh as he kissed me cheek. "I really have to go."
"No. Stay, just a little longer."
"I can't, Josh is going to be home soon, and he'll tell Dad if he finds out where I am."
"Ugh, I hate your brother."
"Don't we all," I huffed, closing my eyes as his lips brushed my cheek again, tighting the grip he had on my waist. "But I have to go."
"Fine, no guitar for you."
"That's not fair!" I whined. "We watched a movie and I fell asleep. You carried me to be involuntarily."
"If you just stayed a little longer..."
"I can't, you know that. Come on."
"Ok," He sighed, turning my head by my cheek and softly met my lips, the feeling making me weak-kneed so I had to hold onto him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Another time then, and I'll call you tonight. I have to work."
"Alright, but you will play the guitar for me another time. You're not getting away with that."
"Fine, I'll play for you next time." He leaned forward again, put I lifted up my finger, watching his eyes flutter open from me stopping the kiss - then frowned. "What?"
"Promise?"
"Bella-"
"Promise?" I asked again, fighting a smile that was trying way too hard to take over my lips.
"I promise."
"Good. I'll talk to you later." I grabbed his face, giving him another kiss before opening up the door. "Bye Justin."
"Bye buttercup."
I fixed the sleeve of my baggy sweater, pulling it back on my shoulder while I made my way down the hall, hopping down the stairs and outside to my car.
The last thing I wanted to do was go home, but I had to, I'd get busted, and it would make it even harder for me to see him. I wasn't risking that
I cranked up the radio, pulling out from the side of the road and went the same way I always did - I was too scared to go another way. Even this way I saw people creepily standing along the streets.
Coming to a stoplight, I leaned over to my bag buzzing in my pocket, then saw something in the corner of my eye at the window, jumping to see a man standing there.
And it wasn't just any man, it was Manny.
Why wasn't Justin here when I actually needed him...What would I do? What would I say? Would Justin be mad that I was talking to him?
But if I didn't...Justin could get hurt.
I rolled down the window anyway, putting a smile on my face as he smiled at me.
"Hi, Isabelle?"
"Hi, Manny, right?"
Shit. You should have said no.
But then Justin...
"Yeah, what are you doing in this part of time? You're still with Justin?"
"Yeah, his birthday was yesterday, so I was over..."
"Spending the night, huh?" I blushed then - suddenly uncomfortable...what was I even doing? "That's not my business anyway, I'll let you go, the lights green. Be safe going home."
"Thanks." I nodded once, then pulled away slowly, letting out a deep breath when I was at a far enough distance so that he couldn't see me.
I didn't like the feel I got when I first met him, and I didn't like it now.
He hurt Justin.
He hurt him and I can't say anything about it.
I tried to stop thinking about it, but even as I pulled up on my driveway I still had the chills, turning around to make sure no one had followed me home, then walked as quickly as I could into the house, locking the door behind me.
Manny hadn't followed me. He had gone the opposite way...
"You sure are spending a lot of time at Jackie's." Josh said, looking up from his cereal at the breakfast bar.
"Is that a problem? She's my bestfriend. Obviously I'm going to hang out with her. I always do."
"No, I'm just saying."
"Good, because it's really none of your business, unless you just want to ruin that friendship too."
"God Bella, you've been such a bitch lately."
My head snapped back, letting my hand fall from the fridge to look back at him, feeling my eyebrows come together, blinking as I processed what he had just said.
"Excuse me?" He just looked at his bowl, messing around with the cereal. "You're honestly going to sit here and call me a bitch? You're the reason why I can't see Justin anymore. You didn't do a thing, instead you insisted he was bad before I even got to know him- I come home from a date and he's walking me to the door, and you attack him? You were so mean, and it was so embarrassing - and I'm the bitch? Honestly? It's always about you Josh. It's always effing about you."
"Bella-"
"Don't even talk to me."
My phone buzzed again in my bag while I walked to my room, digging for it and saw Jackie's name light up the screen.
"Hey, what's up girly?" I asked her, trying to lighten up from what had just happened with Josh.
I had no reason to be mad at Jackie.
"Bella, I'm coming over now. That's ok right? You're home?" She asked, hiccuping a little into the phone.
"Yeah, just come up through my balcony...Jackie? What's wrong?"
"I'll tell you when I get there. It's too much to go over on the phone."
"Alright...should I get some ice cream?"
"Maybe." She let out a small laugh while sniffing- she never cried. Well not how I did...sometimes. "I'm here, I'm coming up. I already left...I had just remembered you were at Justin's...I should have called."
"No, it's ok. I would have come home anyways."
"Ok."
"Ok. Bye babe, I'll see you in a second."
"Bye."
I unlocked the door, dropping my bag on the ground with my shoes, hearing it open right as I turned around.
She shut it softly, then walked over to me, her hair in a sloppy bun with puffy eyes and sweats, wrapping her arms around me while letting out an instant sob.
"I knew it. He's been cheating on me. I caught him cheating on me, and he didn't even deny it. He just let me leave, and now he keeps calling me and I don't want to talk to him. I never want to see him again."
"Aw, Jackie I am so sorry."
"I'm so stupid."
"No, you're not stupid. He was stupid. He hurt my best friend, and you deserve so much better than that."
"But I don't want better. I love him, how can I love him when he doesn't love me?"
"I don't know," I sighed, trying to comfort her the best way I can. "But Jackie...you can't go back to him...how long has it been?"
"A while...but I didn't- I was just in denial I guess."
"Well, you know you are way too good to cry. So how about you just calm down a little, then I can drive us to the mall and we can do some shopping, ok? You don't deserve to be sad and crying all day."
"You know me, I can always shop...but what are you going to tell Josh? He thinks you were with me last night."
"All he needs to know is that we're having a girl emergency. Besides he just called me a bitch, so once again we aren't on speaking terms."
"You? He called, you a bitch?"
"Yup, but I don't care. He's been weird ever since I asked about Justin. Weird and mean."
"Tell me about last night, that'll help me. How was it? Did he like his presents?"
"Yeah, he did. Dinner was really nice, then we got a little cake, I sang to him, we watched a movie, while he did and I fell asleep towards the end...but that's it. It was nice."
"Good. Your sneaking around has to be worth something."
"It is, it really is...but we really don't have to talk about that."
"Have you found out about the scholarship yet?"
"No, in a few weeks."
"Do you know what you're going to do? Like if it works out and you have to leave?"
"No...I thought I'd think about it when I actually knew...if I get it."
"You're kidding, right. You're a straight A student, you killed that performance they were all at, and they would be stupid not to take you."
"We'll see."
"Do you have some concealer I could borrow? So I don't look like a broken hearted girl that's been crying all morning?"
"Yeah, I have some. Don't worry about it. Here." I went in my make up bag, handing her the tube, then sat down on the edge of my bed.
What a day this was going to be.
__________________
8:43 PM
"Hi buttercup."
"Hi Justin," I leaned back into my pillows, looking at Jackie asleep next to me, keeping my voice at a low whisper so I didn't wake her up.
"So how was the rest of your day without having to see my smiling face?"
"Eventful." I mumbled, my eyes flickering up to the tv screen.
"Why...that doesn't sound good."
"Well first I ran into Manny on the way home, then my brother-"
"Wait, you what?"
"I was at a stoplight and he was right there...I wasn't going to pretend he wasn't standing outside my window. I talked to him for like ten seconds..."
"So he knows you were over my house?"
"Yeah...I mean there isn't any other reason for me to be in that part of town. Are you mad?"
"No, I'm not mad, I just- you were uncomfortable the first time."
"And this time, but it could have been worse."
"I'm glad it wasn't. Go back to your story."
"Ok, so anyways, then I got home and Josh told me I had been acting like a bitch, I'm not talking to him- again. I'm walking to my room when Jackie calls me, and I find out Mark has been cheating on her. She's at my house, and I spent most of the day shopping."
"You're brother called you a bitch? And Mark cheated?"
"I didn't expect it either."
"Damn, poor girl. And you aren't a bitch." I heard him sigh, quickly pulling my knees in tighter to my chest.
"I don't know why he's been acting like that."
"I really don't know babe, but you aren't."
"Good...I don't want you to think I am...if you do or not."
"I don't, at all ok? Don't listen to your brother."
"I usually don't. I'm still seeing you, aren't I?"
"That's true."
"So... Obviously I can't sneak over tonight...actually, now that I think about it...I might wake her up and get her out of here... Do you think Hunter and Mike would want to meet at at the club?"
"Yeah...I should probably get you though because of your car...Are you serious? You're really want to sneak out?"
"Why not? You don't think I can do it?"
"No, I do...I'm just surprised.
"How about you give me an hour. I'll have her up and ready."
"Ok, see you in an hour buttercup."
"Alright." I hung up, them looked at Jackie, shaking her awake. "Come on, wake up. We're going out."
___________________________
*Justin*
10:36 PM
By now Jackie was tipsy, so was Bella, but I was not letting them get drunk tonight, there was a very fine line. They both couldn't go back to the same house hung over.
Bella giggled in front of me, swaying her hips to the music, making me laugh and pull her back closer.
"How's Jackie?"
"Fine, perfectly fine. She and Mike seem to be getting along."
"Oh brother."
"She's not crying so it's fine." She turned around then, holding onto my neck with her back arched.
"You want to dance like that huh?"
"Maybe, maybe not." She shrugged, her face now only a few inches away, just enough so I could lean down and kiss her, tasting whatever alcohol she had had, and I knew it was the same case for her, but I wasn't even tipsy.
"I can't believe your actually the one that thought of this and wanted to sneak out."
"I thought it was a good idea."
"It was, a very good idea." I grinned, sweetly kissing the skin by her ear.
"But I can't go home with you tonight." She frowned, sweetly pecking my lips before pulling back.
"I know, that's ok. I'll take you home soon, but looking like the way you do, I'm keeping you a little longer."
I slid my hands under the cropped shirt to her bareback, winking as she giggled and pushed herself back up on her tiptoes, tightening her arms around my neck when our lips met again, but this time it was slow, as if each kiss met something in particular.
And I was perfectly ok with that.
________________________________
Tuesday
5:32 PM
"Well shit," I mumbled, running my hands through my hair. "I'm not fucking taking care of this."
"Don't worry, I got it." Hunter told me, while I stared at the body on the ground.
I walked away, the cool air hitting my face as I stepped outside.
I would not throw up this time, nope.
Taking deep breaths, my feet had me pacing, while my hands were continuously running through my hair.
Hunter could do it, I couldn't, but I always seemed to be there when it happened, I was always a part of a crime - a crime that was never caught.
Everybody here knew what they were doing.
But if I ever came to the point where I had to kill someone, whether it was for my family or for a friend, I'd do it. My problem was I thought about it too much.
"Are you ok?" Hunter asked, holding the door open with his foot.
"No I'm not fucking ok!" I spat, sending one of my many glares towards him. "You had to kill him? Really?!"
"Justin, I don't mess around. Not with Manny. After all the shit that happened with Grace it really isn't a problem for me anymore. How can you carry a gun and not use it?"
"I use it, just not to kill people."
"I'm surprised Manny hasn't figured it out yet. You have to learn. What if he's with you one day and you can't do it? He's going to know."
"I-" I shook my head, shoving my hands in my pckets. "I'm not a murderer Hunter."
"But what if it's you next? Huh? You know him and how he is."
"And you also know I have a family, and a girlfriend now. I'm not risking my ass being put in jail to kill someone."
"Justin, wake up! We do that every day!"
"Whatever, let's just fucking take care of it." I shoved my way past him, my jaw clenched as I did what I had to do, then looked at Hunter a feet away. "There, happy?"
"I got the rest of it."
"Whatever." I left then, going out to my car and slammed the door behind me, speeding off as quickly as I could to the apartment.
I had to cool off before Bella came over - because right now I was pissed off at my bestfriend, and pretty much everything else.
I dug for a cigarette, lighting it quickly and leaned back against my car, huffing out every breath.
I had been playing it off for three fucking years, I wasn't going to start killing people now.
But in a way he was right...I kept moving up in Manny's eyes...eventually I'd have to kill someone without thinking twice about it.
What was stupid was killing him then, he's lucky that warehouse isn't around anything. I didn't need my best friend going to jail, nor did I want him too. He wasn't always like that, ever since he lost Grace...
She had saved him, I saw him starting to pull away from everything in our lives that was considered bad and dangerous, how happy he was with her...was I that way?
I put out the rest of my cigarette, rubbing it into the ground with my heel before I locked the car behind me, storming into the complex and into my room.
Yet I wasn't afraid to hurt people - just enough so they still lived...to do enough to pass on taking care of the job, enough to where I couldn't sleep, where drugs and alcohol let me temporarily forget - so my family didn't want me around anymore.
Then again, when did they ever?
Jaxon was an exception, and Jazzy could barely even remember me.
This isn't what my life was supposed to be like - this wasn't how I was supposed to be, it couldn't be.
I still didn't understand how it was possible...how you could be so in love, then one minute it's over. At least that's how it seemed with my parents.
I had always aspired to be just like my dad, to marry someone as amazing as my mom. The things he did for her, how happy she was...I don't understand what happened. They were the couple that everyone knew - the 'it' couple I guess.
What I was the most angry about was how Dad let Mom go so easily...how he didn't fight. Maybe then...maybe I'd be different too...everything would be different.
A knock on the door brought me out of my daze, but it took me a few seconds before I actually walked over, looking through the peep to see Bella.
How is she with me? Why isn't she gone yet? How could somebody like her possibly be interested in someone like me?
"Hey."
"Hi." I stepped aside, letting her in and shut the door behind me.
"I got dinner...I texted you but you didn't answer, and Jaxon told me you liked turkey so-" She stopped talking then, sitting the bag on the counter as our eyes met. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I like turkey."
"It's mayo, cheese, and lettuce too. I basically got the same thing...you don't look ok."
"Well, I'm fine."
"Ok...I got a bag of Salt & Vinegar chips, then Barbeque."
"Sounds good. I didn't know you were getting dinner though. Let me give you some money."
"Justin, it's not a big deal. It really isn't. Don't worry about it."
I just stared at her, taking in how she moved, her brown eyes - beauty that anyone but me deserved to have.
But I slipped my arm around her, pulling her back into my chest and rested my forehead against her cheek, now breathing normally - at least I thought so.
"Please tell me what's wrong." She whispered, her hands sliding on top of mine around her waist.
"I just had a bad day at work."
"Which one?"
"The one I can't talk about."
"I'm sorry."
"It's alright." I sighed, then felt her lips on mine, her body moving slowly in my grasp to face me, her hands making their way around my neck as our lips continued to move.
She was mine.
"Little better?"
"Mhm," I nodded, giving her hips a firm squeeze in my palms. "But maybe one more..."
"Maybe?"
"Fine, yes. You can kiss me again." Chuckled, I rolled my eyes, waiting for the last one, but she hadn't budged.
"I didn't ask if I could." She giggled, walking out of my arms and to my cabinets. "Where do you keep your plates?"
"To the right beside the stove...what about my kiss? Hmm? That wasn't very nice."
"Later, I promise. Just like how you're going to play your guitar for me."
"Bella," I groaned, throwing my head back. "Come on."
"No, you promised! I want to hear you play."
"Ok, but then next time I'm over your house you're playing one of your pieces for me. I mean it. If I'm going to play for you, you're going to play for me."
"I don't mind playing for you." She was beside me again, sitting the plates down with the wrapped subs."You're just giving me a hard time about it."
"How do you not mind playing for me?"
"I don't know...I like it when you're there."
"Really?"
"Yes, I won't give you a hard time about it like you do to me. If you want me to play, I'll play."
"After we eat then, I'll play - and sing for you."
"Yay." She hugged my waist, pecking my cheek while standing up on her tiptoes, pushing a plate my way after. "You can pick what chips you want, I like my salt and vinegar."
"I will." I stuck out my tongue, opening up the bag of barbeque chips and popped one in my mouth. "Thanks."
"You're welcome."
We went into the living room, me sitting as close as I could to her, pecking her cheek before I started eating.
"So, tell me how school was. Any chemistry homework?"
"I did it," Her laughter filled the room, sending knots through my stomach. "I actually understood what I was doing today - believe it or not."
"Good...but I'm still more than happy to help you."
"I bet you are."
"That and study breaks."
"I don't do study breaks."
"Not yet you don't." She blushed, elbowing my ribs lightly, but I thought it was cute. "You know, you blush a lot."
"That's your fault. All your fault."
"Oh stop, you love it."
"Yeah, totally." She rolled her eyes again, the pink fading from her cheeks as I watched her, that smile she always wore never leaving her face, going perfectly with her soft lips.
We finished up our subs, then I pulled her up and to my room, going into the closet, staring at the guitar case for a second before I actually got it out, sitting it on the bed and opened it up.
I hadn't played this in...I don't even know the last time I looked at it. It was probably when I moved in, maybe even before then. I played all the time in my room, but then the fighting started, the constant yelling from downstairs, and sitting down with my guitar wasn't fun anymore, I'd have to shove in earphones, or sneak out of the house, anything to block it all out.
And that didn't even work.
"I - uh - have to tune it first." I cleared my throat, pulling out my tuner and played around with the strings, playing a G chord afterwards. "There...I don't really know what to play."
"Anything. Whatever you remember."
What i did remember was How To Love by Lil' Wayne.
It reminded me of how I felt about my parents...and kind of how I felt about myself.
As soon as I started playing it came back to me, keeping my eyes focused on my guitar as I swallowed. I didn't sing for anyone, ever.
Then her arms slipped around my torso as I played, singing the first words of the song, keeping my eyes shut as memories flooded back from better days, before that awful night, before I lost everything.
'You never credit yourself, so when you got older
It's seems like you came back ten times over
Now you're sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulders...'
I only sang another chorus, because I could feel myself getting emotional, and I couldn't do that.
I didn't really want her to see that, that's a part of me that
"I loved it, thank you. I don't understand why you don't sing more...I would have never known you were that good if you only kept humming."
"Thanks." Letting out a chuckle, her chin rested on my shoulder, my head leaned against hers, slowly sitting my guitar off to the side to hold onto her hands.
"I'm sorry you had a bad day." She whispered, pressing her lips into my cheek.
"It's ok. It's gotten better since you've been here."
"Even if I made you play for me?"
"Yeah, I was just nervous. It's fine. It made me remember how much I loved to play, it's been a really long time."
"Well you can play for me anytime you want."
"I will." I laughed, giving her hands a squeeze. "Do you want to go do something?"
"Do what? Justin, if I get caught with you..."
"I know," I frowned, letting go of one of her hands to run my fingers through my hair. "But there really isn't press around here...I get it, it just sucks."
"I know...can I ask you something?"
"Yeah?" I looked over at her then, turning so we faced each other.
"You um...smoke weed, right?"
My eyebrows came together at that, my mouth hung slightly open.
"Why?"
"Because when you told me where you lighter was...there was a joint in the drawer. You just never really said anything about it."
"Well yeah I do, but it's not an every day thing."
"Why? Why do you do it?"
"Bella, I've told you before...this...what I do - it's just an escape I guess."
"Then why not talk to Hunter about it? Or Mike? I know you can't talk to me, I wish you could, especially today, but I know you can't. I just hate seeing you upset, or getting yourself into trouble because you 'didn't follow orders,' and in return you end up with bruises, and you can't tell me. I hate that."
"I'm not hurting anyone else around me. I've been dealing with my own problems since I was 15. This isn't different. It's not like I'm doing crack or heroin, it's different."
"I'm just trying to say that you're better. Whoever you think you are or whatever you do...that's not really you. Weed shouldn't be an escape."
"Bella," I sighed, running both of my hands down my face. "You really don't understand."
"Justin, you don't let me understand." I sealed my lips shut, staring ahead and refused to meet her gaze, then got up, putting my guitar back in the case. "Justin..."
"In case you haven't noticed, I don't let anyone understand. That's how you lose people."
Our gaze was only held for a moment before I put the guitar back, shutting my closet again - without a desire to turn around and look at her.
How could I even - how did I react to that? To her telling me I didn't let her understand.
I wanted her too, but I was scared.
But she couldn't know that. No one could.
___________________________________
*Bella*
Wednesday:
2:48 PM
"What am I supposed to do?" I rested my chin in my hand, looking at Jackie across from me. "He says he doesn't let anyone understand, but I'm his girlfriend. How is this supposed to work if he never tells me what' going on, what's wrong. I feel bad, and I know what I said pissed him off a little bit, but it's true."
"Maybe he just feels like after what's happened with his parents and stuff, he doesn't feel like anyone would understand."
"He doesn't deserve to be going through whatever he is on his own. It bothers me. I really care about him. That's why I've asked you. I've almost been with him for two months, and I'm at a point where I believe I love him, but sometimes with him...he's just not all there."
"And you haven't talked to him?"
"I can't talk to him Jackie. That's my problem. All this stuff is happening behind the scenes that he can't tell me. I'm ready to find out for myself what is it."
"But he's told you before it isn't safe."
"Maybe it's not, but I'm not keeping secrets with him, why is he keeping them with me?"
"He's trying to protect you."
"That shouldn't effect how we are. And weed is an escape? That's what I mean, he's does these things - because he can't talk about it. He says he can't tell me things, but when he comes to my house hurt, he told me because I like pryed it out of him. Yeah, I felt bad, but I knew. I don't deserve the secrets. Just like you didn't deserve what happened to you."
"Then why don't you go find out for yourself? At least something. Isn't there anyone that you can talk to to try and get a little?"
"Hunter...and Mike."
"I can talk to Mike."
"You can what?" I laughed, turning around my coffee. "You know, ever since that night - you haven't said a word about Mark. Did something happen?"
"Maybe." She looked down, her cheeks turning a hot red.
"Jackie! Spill!"
"We just made out and talked a little...We've been out once. He's sweet."
"Has he told you stuff? Has he talked about it?"
"No, I mean a little. Just that he's sorta like a messenger...he doesn't do the big stuff, whatever that is."
"Ugh, fine, talk to him. But I'm going to talk to Hunter."
"Do you have his number?"
"Yeah. I'll ask him if I can talk to him, alone."
"How will Justin feel about that?" She raised an eyebrow, but I just shrugged.
"He's not going to tell me fine, but he had to expect something. I'm tired of not knowing what's going on. What if he really gets hurt? What if he goes to work, 'doesn't follow orders,' and gets hurt so bad he's in the hospital? Then what?"
"You're right in a way."
"I care about him, I really do. I-I honestly believe I love him, but I don't want to be a double life."
"I get it, I really do. Go talk to Hunter, but if you don't get answers, don't press. Don't risk the relationship with Justin just because you're curious."
"It's not even curiousity anymore. You and Mike is curiousity. Justin, it's like with me he's real, but there is parts of him that I don't know. That's not how a relationship works. I'm not risking losing him because I can't know anything going on..."
"I just think you should talk to Justin first..."
"Then he will be mad, he'll tell me no, that I can get hurt. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself."
"Ok Izzy," She nodded, tucking her hair back behind her ear. "Just be careful. I don't mind if you go now, while you still have time before your dad gets back."
"Thanks...for listening to me."
"Always. Good luck."
"Thanks." I smiled at her, sliding out of the booth, then looked back again. "You sure you're ok with this?"
"Yeah. I have some homework to do, and my parents have been on my case lately, they've just toned it down because of what happened with Mark. Go, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Alright."
I left the coffee shop then, getting back in my car and found Hunter's name in my list of contacts.
"Bella?"
"Hi...Hunter? Are you busy?"
"I'm just at work...the car shop, why? What's up?"
"Do you think I could come talk to you? If Justin isn't there that is...I just - need to talk to somebody that knows him, besides him if that makes sense."
"Yeah, sure. He's not here, he left about an hour ago. Do you know how to get here?"
"No, do you think you could tell me? I'm at the little coffee shop in town."
"Ok, well first go to the intersection...like you're going to Justin's house, then..."
And that was that, I pulled out of my parking spot, driving to Ward 7 like I was going to Justin's.
It was time for answers.
___________________________________
Author's Note:
Ahhh!! Comment and vote! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
Twitter: @lostinstereoWP
Character's Twitter:
@BellaKnowle@Justin_Tempted
@jaxon_tempted_
@Hunter_Tempted
@Jackie_Tempted
@Josh_Tempted