السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته
Hey brothers and sisters in Islam! I hope you are all doing fine. I've finally found time to update after ages of not doing so. Forgive me for not sharing an update faster. This is especially dedicated to a sister of mine who has been waiting for this update like forever.
Sorry but it does not include a Juni-Zaid moment (we need to find a shipname for them asap). But it is a very special chapter and I love it. So have fun reading it.
Do recommend this story to your friends ;P
Not delaying the chapter anymore... Here goes
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#9 The Rollercoaster Ride Of Emotions
Soon enough my life had fallen into a routine.
I woke up, sometimes late and sometimes early. Rushed through my morning routine either way, if late I only had time for breakfast and running to the bus stop. Samar doesn't wait up for me anymore. If I woke up early, I got time to chat with everyone from Dadi to Annu. In the bus I sat with Sidra and listened to her chatter all the way to school. At school classes already followed a schedule. I returned home, had tea with the family and then sat with Dadi and she'd talk to me about Allah and Islam and the Prophet. I have to admit, its the best part of my day, apart from seeing Zaid that is. Later I'd spend time with just my cousins. Shoaib bhaiyya joined us at times, at times he'd be away. Doing homework and studying came next. After dinner I help with clearing away the table and then I finally Skype my friends and my brothers. A little reading and then off to bed. Repeat.
Even Azhar figured into my routine. The git made it a point to pass by my class everyday and to taunt me somehow. He enjoyed my reactions so I gave him none, and yet he persisted. Azza, Wafa and Lia found our altercations funny and I suspect it is them who coupled our names. Because rumors go around that I'm Azhar's girl.
As if I couldn't find anyone else.
Marwa, with its external appearance of moral superiority and standards had a different side altogether online. There was a Marwa group on Facebook and many others on WhatsApp. There I got to know of the relationships and gossip and all the 'immoral activities' going on at school.
Azza had quite the queen bee persona. Wafa and Lia seconded all her opinions and followed her around like lost dogs. She is used to being praised and followed and admired. So my not following her irks her. I know that beneath the phony nice act she wants to bitch slap me, but because she's aiming for Samar's heart she can't do it.
I want to break away from the trio, but the fear of being friendless in a hostile environment makes me cling on to them. Sidra tells me that I intimidate the people around and so they are not willing to befriend me. It was puzzling to be honest. How on earth do I intimidate?
I mean, I know I don't talk to everybody like Samar does, but I don't go around walking like Zaid who has people parting ways for him like the Red Sea before Musa A.S. Literally. I've seen it happen many times. Whenever he walks around, people step away from his path. His face is perpetually set in a stern expression.
I've never seen him smile.
No, I do not stalk him.
He's just very noticeable. He stands out in a crowd.
"Juni! Lost in dreamworld again. It is your turn Juju sherni!" Samar yelled waving his hands before my face.
"Does Zaid even smile?" I blurted out.
"What?!" Samar asked incredulously.
I put my hands over my mouth as I realized what just slipped off my tongue. Blushing furiously, I tried to avoid everyone's gaze and played my hand. We were all up on the roof playing UNO. All of us cousins were seated in a circle. Chachi was spreading out the spices under the sun.
"Juju..." Samar prompted.
When I looked up he was staring at me seriously. Panicking, I averted my gaze and looked at Di for help. She reassured me with a nod.
"Samar, my dearest brother, you can draw four more." Di said sweetly.
Everyone burst out laughing. Di and I were playing in league, trying to get one over the boys. Shoaib bhaiyya was ruthless but it was easy to trick Samar. I was having a great time. It was Sunday evening, a week had already passed since school started. It's been more than two weeks since I came down from Dubai.
More than two weeks since I've spoken to Dad.
I've never stayed mad at my Dad like this before. I missed him a lot, but I still couldn't get over the fact that he sent me here. With Mom, not talking to her is normal for me. I barely spoke to her when we lived together, and now that we are so far away from each other I found it very convenient to continue the silent treatment.
"Di... you're not being fair. I'm your only little brother. Go easy on me!" Samar whined.
"Hey bro," I called out, " woman up!" I said smirking.
"Nice one Juni," Di said giving me a high five.
"I'll wipe that smirk off your face, just you wait." Samar said.
"You've been saying that for some time now. Try something else, like, Shoaib bhaiyya I am terribly sorry for making you lose to the girls," I said.
Samar glared at me over the pile of cards.
"Samar. If we fail, I'm disowning you!" Shoaib bhaiyya warned.
Nobody took him seriously. Not when his eyes twinkled with amusement.
"Not fair at all, you're all ganging up on me. What have I done to deserve this?" Samar whined.
"Something along the lines of being the most annoying person in the house," Shoaib bhai answered for all of us.
Samar faked a betrayed expression and earned a playful punch from bhai. Di and I laughed heartily.
"And you call me a drama queen... Uno!" I yelled
Di gave me a high five saying, "that's my girl!"
Samar looked wonder struck. Shoaib bhai face palmed. Di and I did a mini victory dance. And all of a sudden Samar messed up all the cards. The expression on his face, I swear he looked worse than a two year old throwing tantrums. And then all hell broke loose. Shoaib bhai lunged at Samar and the two were rolling on the floor fighting like kids. Di and I sprang away from the path of destruction.
"You idiot! I could have still made us win!" Shoaib bhai yelled.
I couldn't stop giggling.
"Boys stop it. If Dadi sees you both are screwed," Di warned.
They ignored her and continued scuffling. You could tell that they were both faking it. None of them hurt the other and they both had amused glints in their eyes. They were having fun being little kids again.
"Shoaib Dawud Ali!"
Well until that happened.
Chachi spotted the two of them when she came up with a fresh batch of spices.
Bhai straightened immediately and pulled Samar up. Both sported sheepish smiles and started fidgeting and acting stupid. I quickly took a picture of both of them. We had a WhatsApp group of cousins. I saved the picture for posting in it later.
"You are fighting like kids? Samar, what are you doing beta?" Chachi asked sharply.
"Maami, it is all because of Juju!" Samar said pointing at me.
I glared at him. The nerve he had to accuse me, that sore loser.
"Oh quit pointing fingers, and Shoaib you? Full grown man like you rolling on the floor with him. What if Samar got crushed?"
And we all burst out laughing. Even Chachi dropped her anger and joined in Samar's further humiliation. His face was a portrayal of pure indignation. Shoaib bhai kept laughing out loud, slapping his thighs and going all red in the face. Samar punched him. I went and hugged Chachi as I laughed, unable to stop.
"Maami, just because I'm short you can't compare me to your pole of a son. I've got twice as many muscles as him," Samar whined.
"Yeah that's what you think. I don't blame you for wanting to think that belly of yours is a muscle. Not everyone has been blessed with my fit body. Don't be jealous bro, maybe a few lifts and crunches might work for you," Shoaib bhai said in a condescending tone.
Samar nearly turned as purple as Uncle Vernon.
Chachi shooed us all downstairs because it was nearing sunset and the boys had to prepare for going to Masjid. That put a little damper on my mood. Even though I've felt drawn towards the deen while listening to Dadi, I still haven't found that pressing need to pray. Everyone else rushed to the Masjid or the prayer room in the house as soon as they heard the Azaan. I just stayed up in my room while they prayed, wondering why on earth I couldn't find that connection with the Creator.
I have accepted His existence as the sole truth of the universe.
But I can't pray.
It depressed me a bit to be honest. Everyone else in the family looked happy and calm and at peace after praying, while I fought with the turmoil in my heart. What's worse, nobody ever rebuked me for not praying, not even Dadi. At least if they scolded me or something the guilt would have felt lesser.
Dad used to continually scold me and advise me about praying. Back then I used to listen just to humor him, but I never took his words to heart. Finally, when he sees that his words have no effect on me he used to walk away disappointed.
I missed him, but I would never admit it.
When I went into Dadi's room she was just done with reciting the Qur'an. She looked tranquil. I wanted that. I had learned the Arabic letters and small Surahs when I was young. So I could recite the Qur'an, but never as beautifully as Ayesha Di. I loved sitting next to her whenever she recited, it was so mesmerizing. Dadi made me recite a bit everyday. She had promised me that with time and patience on my part, I could be as good as Di if not better.
Dadi smiled when she saw me.
"Come beta, sit here." She said patting the spot next to her on the divan.
I smiled wide and rushed next to her. There were many cushions on the divan, but I liked a small red square one the best. Holding on to it while listening to Dadi has become a habit of mine.
"Are we continuing the beginning of creation Dadi?" I asked referring to the subject she had started yesterday.
Dadi loved to keep her talks random and yet they all connected somehow. Yesterday she had begun talking to me about the creation of angels and jinn and everything else in between. Di had told me to listen to a series called The Beginning and The End by Sheikh Omar Suleiman to help me further. And it was great. I had already gone through a couple of episodes so I was anxious to learn more.
Dadi studied my face thoughtfully for a while.
"Today we are going to discuss anger."
I was a little taken aback. So far everything she had talked to me about was related to Allah and His traits or the Prophet S. A. W. Or the companions of the Prophet or Allah's miracles. So when Dadi mentioned anger I was stumped. What has anger got to do with me improving as a Muslimah?
"Beta I've told you Shaytaan tries to get us to sin in many different ways. And he loves to sway us from the path of Allah by messing with our feelings. And one of the most easiest emotions he manipulates is anger. Once ignited it just keeps rising and finally leads to resentment disappointment, sorrow and all sorts of negative feelings."
To say that every word of hers struck my core would be putting it lightly. Every single thing she said resonated with my very being. Anger is one of my flaws I'm well aware of and one that I find very very difficult to conquer. It was my anger that made me drift away from Mom, anger that got me into constant fights with Safwan. It was anger which made me lose control and behave rashly.
I looked down and started playing with the tassels of the cushion. I couldn't face Dadi.
"It is very easy to be angry and once you're angry it is very easy for Shaytaan to exaggerate it. Once we are completely blinded by rage we take very rash and irrational decisions. We don't stop to think or consider. And when we finally calm down and reflect on how happened, we end up regretting. And sometimes the consequences can't be undone."
I nodded my head in silent agreement. There have been many instances in my life when I acted out of anger at Mom. We'd fight over something and I would end up doing exactly what she warned me against. It gave me some sort of sick satisfaction when I riled Mom up. Even that kiss with Sam was a result of anger.
I was actually going to break things off with him. But before I could Mom somehow found out that I've been dating and she had a huge argument with me about it. Dad or Samir wasn't home then. Her attitude irked me and in my anger I decided that I was going to show her to what lengths I could go. I brought him home at a time I knew no one would be home, and one thing soon led to another. Mom was supposed to be away on a trip. Her unexpected return actually helped me in a way. It put a stop to things going any further.
I shuddered at the thought.
"Shall I let you in on a secret Junaina?" Dadi asked and I looked up.
Her hazel eyes were twinkling and she sported a small smile on her face. Curiosity took hold of me and I was diverted from my thoughts.
"I was just like you when I was your age. Angry and rebellious and mad at the world for undermining me. I kept doing things that people told me not to and I always fought with my Ammi."
My eyes widened in shock as my jaw dropped. Dadi?! Like me?
"Impossible!" I blurted out.
Dadi's smile widened.
"You take after me beta and I was no better than you. Luckily my Chachi understood me and helped me become who I am today. She brought me to my senses."
I couldn't believe it. Dadi never lied and I knew it, yet I found it hard to digest.
"You mean to say you never prayed and fasted and stuff?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Never in private. And in public only to show the rest of the world. I never prayed sincerely until my Chachi opened my eyes to the error of my ways. And Chachi always told me to get rid of the anger in my heart first. She told me one Hadith that struck at my heart: 'Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: The strong-man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who controls himself when he is in a fit of rage.' I tell you Junaina the fact that controlling my anger would make me a stronger person gave me great motivation. Because I used to carry my anger around proudly as my strength. And it ruined me."
The hadith touched my heart too. Just as Dadi said, I relied on my anger as a pillar of strength. And it has damaged me.
"At first it was really hard for me to control myself. I used to struggle. Then my Chachi taught me to splash my face with water and say 'A'udhu Billahi min ash-shaytaan-i'r rajeem', I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Shaytaan. And it used to help me a lot. The Prophet has said that anger comes from the devil. So to stay away from it we need to ask for Allah's help. And if do so sincerely He will always be there for us. I know you are still struggling with prayers and all beta. Don't worry, we will take baby steps towards righteousness. We can't all flip to being a good person in a day. Seek Allah's help by sincerely believing that He will help and He is the only one who can help. And by His will everything will be better." Dadi said patting my shoulder.
I felt very reassured. Dadi's reaction to my deeds had always puzzled me. But now I figured out why she was being so understanding and patient with me. It was because she had gone through the same. She wants me to have the same support that she had. And it made me very very happy. I leaned forward and hugged her tightly. A few tears also escaped my eyes.
"Thank you Dadi! You're the best." I murmured into her shawl.
She held me close to her and kept stroking my hair gently.
"Junaina, your father loves you beta. He also sent you away from him out of anger and regrets it deeply. He misses his princess. Call him my dear. Swallow your anger, be a strong person and talk to him. I promise you will feel better," Dadi murmured.
I stiffened and then pulled away from her. Wiping away my tears I nodded and took my phone out. Dadi watched me as I scrolled through my contacts and dialled Dad. My heart started beating hard as I waited for him to pick up. After a couple of rings he finally answered.
"Juni! My dearest child... you finally called me. Alhamdulilah!" He said immediately.
That was all it took for me to break down in tears.
***
Well... I've got no words. Tell me what you think though ;)
Love
Ann.