In all honesty, Remus couldn't quite explain it, because he had indeed been absolutely exhausted and slept for almost five hours straight, but the very moment he'd woke up to go to the toilet, he found himself unable to get back to sleep at all, despite being perhaps even more tired than he had been when he'd first gone to bed. And therefore, in his sleep deprived predicament, Remus found himself with no better option than to just accept the fact that despite that it was barely more than ten to six in the morning, he was awake, and he was going to have to stay that way for the rest of the course of the day.
And it wasn't even like he had anyone to talk to, because of course, the other three boys found themselves making best use of all the time they got in bed, and Remus couldn't blame them, because he certainly would have slept for as long as he could if he could force himself to do so, but no, he was awake and his whole body ached slightly, and he could smell Peter's dad's aftershave, which James had claimed, left out on the cabinet, and he could assume that it was already terrible when you didn't have heightened werewolf senses, but honestly, just being at the other side of the room from it gave Remus a headache.
And it was like that: in the haze of the early morning, that Remus decided that it was for the best of everyone involved that Peter's dad's aftershave might mysteriously disappear, and therefore, he made his way across the dormitory and took a deep breath of clean, mostly unpolluted air before grabbing the aftershave and holding it out at arm's' length, and well, Remus did indeed have particularly long arms, so this significantly lessened the effect of the can, made his way over to the window, and opened it, revealing a very small balcony, that was indeed much more of a window ledge with a railing than anything else, but it was far too early in the morning for Remus to give much of a fuck, so he pushed the window open as far as it would go and climbed out onto the balcony, before closing the window behind him so there was only a slight gap remaining.
He glanced back through the aforementioned crack and let his eyes rake over James' sleeping form: fucking peaceful, and likely having a dream in which he and Lily were married or something judging by the grin upon his face. Remus said a silent, and perhaps less than enthusiastic apology, before retrieving his wand from his pocket and pointing it at the can, before transfiguring it into a bird, or at least attempting to, and really, the spell had gone forth with unexpected degrees of success, as what lay in Remus' palm was a very pungent, obnoxiously brightly coloured little thing, that looked rather like it was the byproduct of a drunken affair between a parrot and a sparrow.
It did indeed amuse him, however, and he offered it a small smile, holding his hand out over the balcony and encouraging it to fly off, which after one finally glance back into the dormitory, as if it knew what it had once been and just how James might react to the news that Remus had turned his aftershave into a bird, which had then flown off into the grounds - a possibility that only made Remus giggle, it took off: soaring out across the grounds and climbing higher in search of the nearest tree, perhaps. As it did so, Remus found his gaze happening upon a slight marking upon its belly, which somewhat resembled the branding of the aftershave it had once been, which would likely cause some poor muggle to be very excited indeed if they ever happened upon the creature.
Remus let out a sigh and sat down upon the balcony, which really only had enough space for him to sit with his back up against the side of the railings, and to stretch his legs out across to the opposite side, but still, it served its purpose, and there was indeed no doubt about the fact that the oranges and golds dancing across the sky before the sun would inevitably follow, like some sort of parade, were indeed astoundingly beautiful.
Remus had always seen so much beauty in nature: in wildlife, plants, and animals, for they were all innocent of the kind of sins that wizards couldn't help but catch themselves up in, and indeed werewolves too, because Remus would say that he was anything but exempt from sin and human mistakes; that was perhaps why he found himself so intent upon doing some good in the world, as if to pay it back for the chaos and tragedy he caused when he transformed, because although it was out of his control, it was still him, and therefore very much his fault.
He attempted to brush such thoughts from his mind, as he reached into the pocket of his jeans and retrieved something which he'd kept from the muggle world, and the only thing he had managed to make of the summer, because although his parents had forbade him from leaving the house, to say that Remus had never once left the house would be one hell of a lie.
Several times over the summer, Remus had used the floo network to transport himself to the Leaky Cauldron, and from there, find his way into muggle London, and all just to pretend that he was to some degree normal, because he didn't want to spend time with people fretting and worrying about him and his condition; he'd had so many years of that, that he'd almost found himself tired of sympathies in their entirety, which didn't perhaps make a great deal of sense, but Remus was less so concerned with the matter of sense making, and more so with the matter of having fun.
As that was what Remus had done; he'd met up with a muggle friend of his, and spent a lot of the time with his friends, and indeed people who he only vaguely knew, all who hadn't the faintest clue as to where the scar across his face had originated from, or that he went to a magical school for the rest of the year, and not just a regular boarding school, and in truth, Remus had even gotten quite caught up in the illusion, and to the extent that upon one occasion, he'd found himself forgetting it all himself, even if only just for a moment. Although, in that case, he had been pretty stoned, so that was likely somewhat responsible for his moment of forgetfulness.
Because not only had Remus became a prefect, grown to six foot four, and nearly died over the summer, he'd also started smoking weed, which had been something he was hesitant about at first, but after trying it, with a little persuasion from a guy called Jacob, who had just happened to be quite attractive, he found that it actually helped him a great deal, especially when it came to the full moon and he was all aches and pains, and thoughts darting through his mind as if their sole purpose was to resist being snatched up and pondered over, and to say that it didn't play somewhat of a role in just how he'd managed to come to school with that scar and not having a mental breakdown, then he would indeed be lying.
He rolled himself a joint, finding that his fingers were even shaking slightly, before lighting it with his wand, and taking a inhaling deeply, making sure that the smoke travelled out through the air and not into the dormitory, because unlike certain people named James Potter, he actually was considerate enough to leaving the whole dormitory stinking like hell. Remus found himself wondering if they'd ever get the smell of the aftershave out of the room after James had sprayed it everywhere, just to make a point, before going to sleep last night.
The muggle guy called Jacob, had been straight, because of course he had, because Remus had so much fucking luck when it came to his feelings for guys, but that was not to say that he hadn't hooked up with someone else over the summer, because despite what people assumed, Remus did actually have quite the love life.
Well, perhaps not so much of a love life, because the thing was that he'd never once been in a proper relationship, because sure, these people were attractive and lovely, but they were all friends he'd made out with, or in some cases had sex with, and not anything more than that. It wasn't that Remus didn't want to date people in general, it was just that he wanted to date the right person: someone he had real genuine feelings for, and that person had been none of the people he'd had encounters with in the past.
Over the summer, he'd ended up having sex with Jacob's sister, Olivia, who, being Jacob's sister, looked a lot like Jacob, which Remus had promised himself wasn't weird at all, and anyway, she was pretty in her own light, and quite a great deal cooler than Remus, and didn't seem to care at all about the great fucking scar across his face, and she was, of course a lovely person, but they both knew that there was no point in it being anything more than just a one time kind of thing, with Remus being at school for most of the year, and of course, there was the fact that Remus was more attracted to her brother than he was to her, which certainly would have been an issue if they had pursued a relationship.
The only other person Remus had actually had sex with, was this dark haired, blue eyed boy from Ravenclaw called Isaac, who was in his sixth year, and Remus had perhaps considered the possibility of there being something more between the two of them, but such dreams were very quickly thrown to the dirt when Isaac had told him that he'd met this girl, and well, he'd been nice about it - they were on good terms, and Remus was over it by now, as it had been in April, and a good five months had passed since, but he had indeed been the person he'd lost his virginity to, and somehow, that meant something, despite how much he disliked the concept.
The other four people Remus had kissed were, Alice Longbottom, back in second year, which hadn't really counted so much, since they were twelve and thirteen at the time, and it had been very out of nowhere, and Remus had just told her that she had pretty hair when they were together in the library, and-... and, being twelve and thirteen, they had done nothing but blushed and avoided each other for several weeks afterwards, but they did laugh about it now, because it was such a typically second year thing to do. He'd also kissed Dorcas Meadowes in third year, and they had considered the possibility of something for a vague hint of a while, but Remus had eventually brushed it off after she'd made a comment about him spending so much time with Lily, who was his friend and truthfully someone he'd never once kissed.
In fourth year, he'd kissed a girl from Hufflepuff called Ella, after they'd spent so much time working together in Herbology, and well, she'd initiated the kiss, and as much as Remus had kissed back, he wasn't particularly interested in her, but he did value her as a friend, however, unfortunately, she hadn't spoken to him all that much since. Towards the end of fourth year, in June, Remus had found himself waiting down at the quidditch pitch for James, but had found himself making acquaintance with the Ravenclaw keeper: Zachary Melvin, and their acquaintancy had been rather pleasant, and whatever the hell kind of 'relationship' they entered when he'd pinned Remus up against the wall of an empty corridor and kissed him like he'd never meant anything more, had also been quite pleasant, but this had been barely three days before term had ended for summer, and Remus had to assume that was the end of that, as Zach had neglected to write to him once over the course of the summer, which was something he'd managed not to take to heart, with some effort.
Remus jumped slightly as he heard the sound of crashing and a slight curse from inside the dormitory, because in earnest, he was hardly prepared to partake in any actual form of conversation with anyone, or have to go through the process of explaining just what he was smoking and what it did, and yes it was illegal in the muggle world, but they weren't in the muggle world now, and also Remus had minimal fucks to give in general, but there was the very little he could do as the window was pushed open slightly, and a rather anxious looking Sirius Black climbed out and sat himself with his back against the opposite railing, leaving Remus to bring his knees up slightly so they could both fit, but regardless, there was still quite the mess of their legs tangled together in the middle of the balcony.
Sirius leaned back, ready to run a hand through his hair but finding the braid Remus had completed the previous night in its place, and in response, he couldn't help but let a small smile pass over his lips. "My hair looks kind of nice like this..." his tone was very loose, quite, and almost whispered, and in general, very uncharacteristic of Sirius Black, which immediately had Remus' full attention.
"It does." He reassured him, because it was true, yet Remus was pretty sure that he thought the entirety of Sirius looked nice, regardless of circumstances. "Are you alright?" He continued, taking a drag from the joint, knowing it'd catch Sirius' attention, but suddenly that wasn't so much of a bad thing anymore.
Sirius found himself shrugging slightly in response, before his eyes managed to fixate upon the joint, "what's that? It's a muggle thing, isn't it?"
Remus nodded, "it's weed. It's... it's like, you know what cigarettes are, don't you?" Remus sincerely hoped that Sirius did, because that would make his life just that whole lot easier.
"I've heard of them. They're like sticks and you smoke them, and they're bad for you, apparently. Well that's what Lily told me once, anyway." Sirius nodded, before looking down at the joint, "is that a cigarette?" Remus noticed his eyes widen slightly as his gaze brushed over it.
"No," Remus smiled slightly, "it's like a cigarette but you smoke weed, cannabis, instead of tobacco. It's not as bad for you. It helps with the whole... whole 'I feeling like I'm dying' thing, with the aches and stuff, and just calms me down in general." Sirius nodded, seeming oddly accepting of it, but then again, Sirius had no real grasp of the muggle world at all, and likely thought that everyone just smoked weed casually; Remus was in no hurry to correct such thoughts. "Anyway, tell me what's wrong."
Sirius found himself shrugging again, "it's... it's uhh... it's nothing." Of course, it wasn't nothing, and Sirius couldn't even bring himself to believe it as he said so, which reflected greatly upon Remus, who looked the dark haired boy over with concern and considered how best to approach the matter.
"Why'd you wake up so early?" Remus tried another approach, "I mean, I couldn't go back to sleep after I needed to use the toilet, what about you?"
Sirius glanced away: biting his lip as his cheeks began to flush red, before his words came out all at once and with very little sense to them, "Ihadabaddreamwellanightmarekindoflikeanightmarebutit'snothingreallydon'tworryaboutmeIjust-"
"Hey," Remus flashed him a sympathetic glance, "it's okay, it really is, Sirius, I promise you that you can talk to me."
"I had this dream, and well... it's.. this thing happened over summer and it won't leave me alone and I had a dream about it and I just... I'm overreacting, I know I am, but I'm just freaked out, because it was so real - it was like it was happening all over again, and fuck, fuck... fuck..." Sirius choked out: trying desperately to hold back and swallow any signs of sobbing, because he'd always felt as if he was simply forbidden to cry, and at home, it had certainly been looked down upon, but the thing was, he wasn't at home, he was with Remus, who was looking at him with such care and concern in his eyes that Sirius felt as if he might explode.
"It's not happening again, though, remember that?" Remus took a moment to gather his thoughts and begin to speak, "you're here now. It can't happen again, can it? It's over, and-... and it's okay. You just have to remember that you're not there now, and it's just in your head, okay?" Sirius nodded: furiously biting down upon his lips. "Can I ask what happened, or do you not want to talk about it?" At this, Sirius shook his head firmly, which was much as Remus had suspected, and therefore left it immediately. "You can cry, you know?" He continued, "I'm not going to think any different of you if you cry. Crying might make you feel better as well-"
"I don't need to fucking cry." Sirius choked on his words as he forced back his tears, and threw his gaze away from Remus and off into the grounds, "it's fine, I'm just... I'm just... overreacting..." His eyes connected with the green of the trees upon the horizon, and suddenly he was stood back a few metres away from the door of his father's office, as he had been in August, early that one morning, and in his mind, as he had within his dream, Sirius watched his Uncle Alphard die over and over again.
-
Sirius had been very much off for the rest of the early morning, which had constituted of a prolonged kind of silence between him and Remus, as they had sat out upon the 'balcony' together for around forty or so minutes, with very little else in the way of words to one another, but with an abundance of extended stares that held more meaning that the two felt that should have done. However, the bubble of comfortable silence and unexplainable but insanely appreciative stares, was rather suddenly popped as there was the sound of a string of loud and rather obnoxious coming from inside the dormitory.
Remus had thrown Sirius an awkward half smile half glance, before pushing the window open further and climbing back into the room, to face a rather frustrated looking James Potter pulling up drawers frantically as he threw several objects to the side.
Remus found himself inclined to less than politely enquire as to just what the fuck was going on, but Peter had beaten him to it: getting out of bed and pulling James away from the drawers, before yelling at him, "stop it, what are you doing?"
James had shaken Peter off of him, before turning and glaring back at the drawers, before glancing across the room and allowing his gaze to fall upon Remus, and in turn, Sirius, who was in the process of climbing through the window. "What the fuck are you doing?" He span the question upon the two of them with genuine intrigue and over expressive eyebrows.
"Climbing through the window. What does it look like?" Sirius shrugged his question off as he made his way back into the room, and stood perhaps just a little closer to Remus than was entirely necessary.
"I'm asking-" James perhaps considered making something out of it, but grew disinterested within a few seconds and returned to his original point, "I'm asking, just where the fuck my aftershave is?"
"My dad's aftershave." Peter added, and James couldn't deny that Peter was right, but he could sure as hell scowl at him, so that was what he did.
Remus tried to suppress a laugh, but had failed spectacularly in doing so, and let out a rather unflattering snort as he recalled just what had happened to Peter's dad's aftershave, and just how he could possibly go about detailing that to the room, and in particular, a rather frustrated looking James.
"What?" James' eyes widened in Remus' direction, before glancing across at Sirius, who stood beside Remus: gazing up at him in an odd kind of slightly more than platonic intrigue, however it wasn't the slightly more than platonic qualities which were highlighted in James' view, but the way Sirius seemed to be rather pleased or indeed amused with the whole situation, which was something James would certainly define as bullying, and would not tolerate. "Okay, what have you done?" He let out a defeated kind of sigh as he glanced between Remus and Sirius.
Sirius pulled his eyes away from Remus with a bit of effort and other James a casual, almost lazy kind of smile, that would have been unearthly upon his face just five minutes ago, as he had sat with Remus in an odd state of silence and reflection and a series of question that neither dared to voice aloud. "We haven't done anything. At least, I haven't-"
"I maybe have done something." Remus admitted: biting back one hell of a fucking smirk, leaving Sirius' eyes burning with interest, as he took this as yet another well backed excuse to fixate his gaze back upon the taller boy's face.
"What did you do?" Sirius and James had spoken at the same time, however Sirius' tone was that of admiration, and a playful regard: juxtaposed with the somewhat pale faced, half horrified, half captivated in the possibilities that lay behind Remus' words, demeanour of James Potter, as he stood at just past seven in the morning in the Gryffindor dormitories.
"Well..." Remus trailed off, pulling his gaze away and towards the floor as he lost a battle with one hell of a smirk that now claimed victor of the lower half of his face. "Well..." He began once more: chancing a glance up at Peter, who stood just a metre or so away from James: looking, beyond anything else, slightly disgruntled, as this whole mess had indeed forced him out of bed - and for that, Remus couldn't blame him. "Well..." Remus settled on finally: glancing up at Sirius, and then James, and then pulling his gaze away again. "There may or may not be a bird in the grounds. Little thing, 'bout the size of a sparrow," He gestured with his fingers, "but brightly coloured: flamboyant, obnoxious, like a parrot or something. And this bird, may or may not have once been..." He let out one final sigh, "Pete's dad's aftershave."
James' eyes seemed to widened to that extent that Remus found himself somewhat concerned with the possibility of them falling right out of his skull; Peter carried much of the same expression, however, Sirius didn't seem at all startled, and simply stood there: grinning, and after a moment had began to fucking clap, of all things. And it was so typically Sirius, that Remus was almost sick, but so fucking glad, because there'd been very little doubt about the fact that the Sirius he'd caught sight of earlier that morning was indeed quite a cause for concern.
"Fucking brilliant." James rolled his eyes: his tone somewhat sarcastic, although there was no doubt in the margin of amusement that resided with his words, as the prospect of Peter's dad's aftershave now living as bird in the Hogwarts' grounds absolutely did not fail to amuse him.
"Fucking brilliant." Sirius' tone lay his appreciation out rather plainly in accentuated changes in pitch as the syllables rolled off his tongue somewhat, before his face contorted into one hell of a grin. "Hey, James," he looked up: almost giddy, "I'm going to transfigure your socks into guinea pigs, just you watch-"
"Don't you dare-" James suddenly pulled on that increasingly arrogant, competitive tone of voice: dropping all concerns relating to the aftershave in favour of Sirius' vague, half-hearted 'threat'. "You know I'm better at transfiguration than you, so don't you fucking dare- I'll transfigure your bed into a fucking teapot-"
"I'll transfigure the both of you into a fucking teapot." Remus groaned, running a hand back through his hair as he made his way over to his bed. "Shut the fuck up," he added as an afterthought: reaching through the mess on his bed for a school shirt.
"I don't think you will, Moony, we don't learn human transfiguration until sixth year." Sirius leaned back against the dormitory wall: smirking at him.
Remus only threw him a middle finger: reluctant to offer him much more in the way of a response, because Sirius really was quite the ass, and Remus just couldn't quite bring himself to admit, that despite the aforementioned, just how fond of him he was.
-
As classes didn't start until Monday, Lily found herself spending her Friday afternoon with Alice out by the lake; the two engaged in idle conversation, relating to their summers, and the few details of them they hadn't discussed the night prior with Marlene and Mary, who were both still back in the common room, which was where Lily and Alice had been sitting as well, but then James Potter had walked into the room, and Lily, having already found herself with very little patience that day, had just walked out.
It wasn't that she hated James, because she didn't, nor was it that he was a bad person, because he wasn't. He was unaware of how to not act like a major fucking prat, which was causing certain issues, and there was the matter of things with Severus, which had already ensured that Lily's day had gotten off to the best of starts.
It had been Lucius - this older Slytherin boy with long white blonde hair, that despite his copious flaws and disturbing qualities, Severus had somehow painted in a heroic position in his mind. For some reason, Severus wanted some form of acceptance and/or attention from Lucius, and it wasn't that Lily was ever against him making friends within his own house, because of course, that was totally natural, it was just the matter of him making friends with people from renowned dark wizarding families, who were somewhat renowned for hating muggleborn wizards, of which, Lily was one.
She had been walking back from breakfast that morning, and in her new position as a Gryffindor prefect, she'd found herself helping a couple of first years find their way back to the common room, as Remus was doing a particularly shocking job of being a prefect, in that he wasn't doing anything at all, but then again, Lily could excuse him due to the whole werewolf thing; she was well aware of how much pain he was in as the moon drew closer, even though it wasn't for over a week now. Professor McGonagall was also well aware of both of these things, yet despite that had appointed Remus as a prefect, which left Lily somewhat perplexed, and of coruse, it wasn't in regards him personally, as Remus was intelligent and rational, and was also very tall, and had a horrific scar across his face, and therefore looked somewhat unnerving, which was perhaps a good troublemaking deterrant, but she knew Remus was only going to get sicker, and with the matter of their O.W.Ls this year, she didn't want him to be under anymore pressure than he should have been.
Lily was also certain that she shouldn't spend quite so much time worrying about Remus Lupin, as she did indeed have her own issues, but she couldn't help herself for the most part. Lily's issues included the incident that morning in the corridor with a couple of a first years, who had stood there rather wide eyed as Lucius Malfoy pranced down the corridor, because the guy didn't walk, he pranced and he swayed like a colossal idiot, and it took quite the effort not to laugh right in his face as he walked past.
Of course, the act of laughing would bring forth rather foul consequences, such as the unfortunate circumstances which had befallen Lily herself that morning, despite the fact she had kept a straight face, despite the fact that she'd done nothing at all; she'd barely even so much as glanced at the sixth year Slytherin boy as he pranced by, but he'd made it very clear that his attention was focused upon her by grabbing her by the shoulder, and muttering, "you should think about keeping in line, mudblood, if you don't want any trouble," before continuing past as if nothing had come of it.
And being Lucius, he'd been clever enough not to attract attention in the process of doing so, because if he would have made a scene, Lily would have hexed him, and people would have stood by her - maybe she would have even taken points, and perhaps she should have, but in truth, that made her feel a little bit pathetic, because she could tell from the gloating, privileged sneer that seemed to be a permanent fixture on Lucius Malfoy's face, that house points were the least of his concerns.
She didn't want to have let this bother her, but it wasn't just a casual comment, because Malfoy didn't make casual comments, and there was definitely meaning and malice hiding behind those words, and the one person who Lily had quarrelled with recently also happened to be rather close to Lucius: Severus Snape.
And Lily had been trying not to think of him as a bad person, but how long did a good man have to stand within a crowd of bad people until he faded in completely? There was a certain line here, and perhaps he'd crossed it, although she did very much wanted Severus to explain, to apologise, and she didn't doubt that she might accept his apology, because deep down, she still very much cared for Severus, despite everything that had become of him and of them.
And at times she didn't want to know him at all, but it was perhaps such a long friendship that it lay as one of those ties that could not be easily severed, and in truth, Lily wasn't quite sure where she stood on that, on Severus, because she was well aware, that there would be a final line, and that she was finally approaching it, and that there was nothing she could do in regards to the division and conflict between Gryffindor and Slytherin, which had symbolised itself for her somewhat in James Potter and Severus Snape, who were both good people that found themselves somewhat out of line.
She hated how everything was so divided and at times she did wish that she had been sorted into Ravenclaw, which was a house she'd nearly be chosen for, just to be out of the reach of all this conflict, and not have to share a common room with James Potter, and struggle to find space to sit down as the whole room seemed to be consumed at all times by the sheer size of his ego, but she was a Gryffindor and there was no changing that now; she also valued her friends in Gryffindor, and her house was so much more than one person and a conflict, but the negatives did always seem to have this awful habit of highlighting themselves.
"I saw Severus in the corridors today," Their conversation had stayed comfortable away from sensitive topic areas for a good thirty minutes, until Alice happened to turn to the subject of Severus Snape, which left Lily with an awful sinking feeling in her stomach, because truthfully, she just didn't want to talk about it.
She gave a polite nod, because she didn't want to drag Alice into this mess, and she was well aware of how ridiculous it would sound to someone other than herself, because to Alice, it was all very simple, as she was yet another person who absolutely despised Severus Snape; Lily had noticed that there was quite the abundance, especially in Gryffindor house.
"He asked me about you," Alice continued, catching Lily's eyes as she spoke, "wanted to talk to you." Alice had done an awfully successful job of her keeping her tone exceptionally neutral throughout the statement, leaving Lily absolutely unaware as to what direction their encounter could have possibly gone in, and as to whether it could have possibly related to the Lucius incident.
"And what did you say?" Lily found herself prompted to say under the pressure of Alice's gaze, who seemed to be spending too much time looking at Lily, as if she too was trying to gauge some form of reaction before they really reached the heart of the subject.
"I told him that I'm not you and if he wanted to talk to you then he should go and find you and not me." Alice continued: biting back a smile, because she was quite aware of the fact that she found this much more amusing than Lily ever would. Alice knew of Lily and Severus' childhood friendship, but she failed to understand any logical reason as to why she would continue to clutch to a friendship that had long turned sour, and she was only drawn to for nostalgic reasons, and she had pointed this out to Lily several times, but Lily had always remained quite definite in her beliefs that there was somehow so much more to Severus Snape than anyone else could possibly fathom; Alice didn't reckon such a thing to be likely, but she had to admit that Lily knew Severus a hell of a lot better than anyone else did.
"I don't really want to talk to him." Lily found herself admitting, once a minute or so of a comfortable, contemplative silence had passed. "We had this argument yesterday on the platform, and I'm just going to forgive him, but he never learns, because he makes mistakes and then waits a few days and lets me forgive him, and he makes them again, and I-"
"So you're finally seeing sense?" Alice's face fell into a grin, and she brushed her hair out of her face as she leaned in closer to Lily, as if that might somehow encourage her to talk faster.
Lily sighed a little, "I know you think he's-"
"A dick. A major fucking dick. The worst person in the world." Alice took the ever so kind liberty of finishing for her.
Lily offered her an awkward little forced smile, "but they are just mistakes. I just wish he would learn. I just wish he wasn't in Slytherin, you know? He's turning into a bad person because he's surrounded with bad people, and I wish I could change that-"
"Just tell him what you honestly think," Alice began, "and if he doesn't like it then that's his problem, because that's when you ditch him and never talk to him again. It's not like you don't have lots of other friends who don't make you worry and feel like shit all the time, is it?" Alice, of course, had a point, because she was always so good with advice, but her limited knowledge of Severus, beyond that of cruel twisted rumours, was limiting her in this instance.
"But I see him in summer and over Christmas: we live in the same town." She reminded Alice, "and our parents are friends, and we're friends, and you know, he's a good guy, he's fun to hang out with when he's not at Hogwarts with other Slytherins."
"Then hang out with him then, when he's being nice to you, and ditch him when he isn't, and pretty soon enough he'll get the message and make a decision as to whether he wants to change for the better to keep you as a friend, or lose you as a friend so he can suck up to Malfoy." Alice spat 'Malfoy' like it was a curse word, and Lily did happen to share her dislike for the light haired Slytherin, but she couldn't help but feel slightly withdrawn from the situation; Alice noticed this, and changed the topic slightly. "So what was it then? What was this argument about? What was it that finally gave you the idea that maybe Snape's a dick?"
"He's not a dick. He was being a dick." Lily corrected her, although she wasn't entirely sure as to why she bothered at this point.
"Whatever." Alice shrugged it off: confirming Lily's previous thoughts.
"The argument was about James. He was, he was just stepping over a line, really, I-" Lily didn't quite get to finish as Alice's eyes widened once she'd fully managed to process just what Lily had said.
"James?" She exclaimed, "you defended James Potter? You're questioning your continued, unexplainable sympathy for Snape because of James?" Alice continued to look at her in disbelief.
Lily nodded: playing it off as nothing, because it was nothing, "What Sev was saying was really out of order-"
"Sometimes I wonder if you do actually have a thing for James, you know-"
"Alice." Lily narrowed her eyes: shaking her head in disgust at the thought.
"So who would you rather date? Snape or Potter?" Alice continued to ask what was in some degree, the million dollar question.
"Neither!" Lily exclaimed: becoming immediately very stubborn in her tone of voice.
"You have to pick-"
"I'm not picking either." She shook her head.
"You kind of already did though, didn't you?"
-
Sirius had received more than a few comments upon the subject of his new hairstyle, which he found himself stuck with for the next week, and in truth, there were a few more negative comments than there were positive ones, even if most of the negative ones weren't direct insults, as the whole story of the game of truth or dare had gotten around pretty quickly, but somehow Sirius didn't think that it sucked that he has to wear his hair in a braid for the next week.
In truth, Sirius thought it looked nice, and did a good job of keeping his hair out of his face, which was a problem he faced on a daily basis, and of course, it was punk rock as well, because being able to see and looking cute was punk rock, and well, Remus had done it, and Remus was, although he'd never admit it, infinitely more punk rock than he could ever dream of being. Because Sirius was all aggressively punk rock with leather jackets, combat boots, and loud music, whereas Remus Lupin was so casually punk rock that it caused Sirius pain to see that fucking nerd sat in an armchair in a sweater with a copy of a fucking Transfiguration textbook or something, and still look effortlessly cool and punk.
In short, it really wasn't fucking fair. But it wasn't like Sirius was jealous of Remus, and in truth, he couldn't quite put it into words, because he wasn't quite sure what the deal was with Remus at all; he was just very fucking angry as to how effortlessly punk and cooler than him he was, and how Remus was so fucking sarcastic and witty and had Sirius in stitches with very little effort on his part, yet at the very same time, he was so very fucking joyful due to all of this, like he felt blessed to know Remus Lupin, which did sound very pathetic, because he was just this sweater wearing, stupidly tall, not quite so little, little shit, but he was Remus Lupin. And the words 'Remus Lupin' encompassed more, in terms of emotions, in terms of thoughts, in terms of anything, than Sirius could ever hope to explain
Sirius was certain that if Remus' hair was long enough and if he ever found himself in a situation where he was wearing his hair in a braid for a week, and getting some kind of vaguely unpleasant remarks for it, he would not give one single fuck at all, or would say something back about the person who'd uttered the comment that would make the whole room go silent and Sirius' jaw fucking drop. The thing was, however, that Sirius Black wasn't Remus Lupin, and upon finding himself in the situation at hand, he only found himself freaking out slightly.
Well, maybe more than slightly, but that that was all subject to opinion, was it not? There was just this horrible reflex built into his brain that left him assuming things to be his fault - that he not seeing the braid as an issue or much of anything in truth, was somehow an issue, and an issue that he was to blame for. There was no point in voicing his concerns, as he was already more than well aware as to just how ridiculous they were, because it was just a fucking hairstyle, and it was just a fucking dare, and it was just a fucking week, and they weren't even being insulting, they were just-
Just... just... just- In truth, Sirius didn't know. Because as far as he was concerned, his hair looked nice, and that this didn't feel like any sort of forfeit or 'bad luck', at all, and somehow, he found himself far too concerned with what people thought of him for his own good. Being so self-conscious and taking in the opinions of random sixth year Gryffindors called Brian, was never anything intentional or something that he found to consciously hold any value to him, it was just the matter of how appearances and expectations had been hardwired into his brain by his family from a young age.
Sirius was positive that they wouldn't be too fond of the braid, which suddenly made him just that little bit happier about it, but made him feel just that little bit more pathetic, because why did this matter so much? Why did this matter at all?
Of course, he could just take the braid out, but a dare was a dare, and he was Sirius Black, after all; he had a reputation to uphold, even if it was a reputation as a braid wearing motherfucker, because if that was who he had to be, then so be it- or at least, that was a lovely train of thought, until a guy with a nose that was far too big for his face, and a prefect badge displayed far too proudly on his Ravenclaw robes, made his way over to where he and Remus were sat in the courtyard.
Sirius wasn't entirely sure where James and Peter were, but he imagined that James was chasing after Lily, and that Peter was chasing after James- well, not with the same intent that James was chasing Lily, or at least Sirius didn't think so - not that he'd be disgusted if Peter was into James, he'd just be very surprised, that's all, considering the kinds of comments he'd heard Peter make about women in the past, as these were very heterosexual comments indeed.
And in James and Peter's absence, he'd found himself sat outside with Remus, who was only half heartedly insisting that he should have done his Charms essay that had been set over the summer, much, much sooner, and that he most certainly wouldn't help him with it this time. Of course, Sirius knew he would, because Remus told him so every time, and in truth, Remus was just far too concerned about Sirius for his own good, because Sirius didn't care if he didn't grasp the work that had been set and ended up getting a bad mark, or ended up in detention, but Remus did.
The obnoxiously large nosed Ravenclaw prefect had interrupted their conversation to talk to Remus, which already left Sirius on bad terms with him, because Remus Lupin was his friend, thank you very much. "Ah, Remus, are you helping the first years settle in?"
Remus looked up at the guy: somewhat startled, and dumbfounded, because both he and Sirius knew that he most certainly had been absolutely not helping the first years settle in. "Uhh... yeah," in the end, he opted for the least enthusiastic response known to man, hoping that it'd discourage the guy and cause him to just leave them be.
Sirius had cover his snort with a cough: gaining a glare from Remus, and an odd kind of perplexed look from the Ravenclaw, that also managed to scream 'I'm a fucking douchebag', which Sirius had to admit, was quite the achievement.
"Having a nice time this week with that hairstyle, Black?" He gestured vaguely towards Sirius' hair, and at this point, Sirius was indeed considering hexing him, although he was quite aware, that it would oblige Remus to take points from him, which James would inevitably consider an act of treason, and Sirius was not in the mood for another domestic in the dormitories that night.
With hexing out of the window, Sirius found himself forced to express his petty bitter hatred through another form. "Having a nice time this week with that nose- oh wait, I'm sorry, that's a permanent fixture on your face, isn't it? Now that really must suck."
The look on the guy's face was one thing: an odd kind of horrified, furious expression that made his features contort in on themselves and gave off the impression that his face was decaying in on itself somewhat - all in all, it was far from flattering. However, the gasp that Remus let slip was another thing entirely, because Remus wasn't angry or disappointed, he was just in disbelief, and that disbelief was quickly moulding into a badly bitten back, kind of impressed grin.
"Well judging by that hairstyle, looks like you're the one doing the sucking, don't you think, Black?" The guy's face returned to its normal expression, which admittedly was still rather unpleasant, much like the things coming from his lips, which were very quickly crossing a line. "It's just a bit queer, isn't it?" He shot a glance in Remus' direction, before continuing as if Sirius had never been there, "just make sure that the first years don't get lost okay? You know how they'll be with lessons, especially the muggleborns. Moving staircases and the like."
The Ravenclaw began to walk off before Remus could even give him so much of a nod in response, but the kind was, Remus found himself much less than inclined to do so, because there had been a definite line there, and he was just- he was just... insanely fucking angry, and in that anger, he found himself considering something very stupid, and in that anger, he found himself doing more than just considering it, and before Remus Lupin really knew what was happening, he had his wand pointed at the Ravenclaw casting a jelly legs jinx.
"Fuck..." Sirius managed to choke out: his eyes so weird they were in danger of slipping from their sockets. "Fuck..." He repeated again as he tried his best to comprehend just what had occurred as he watched a nearby Ravenclaw cast the counter jinx upon the large nosed fuckwit. "What the fuck was-"
"We should go." Remus got to his feet, grabbing Sirius by the wrist and pulling him up with him, "before we get into trouble for that, you know?"
Sirius cracked into a wide grin as they ran out of the courtyard and out into the grounds; the two didn't stop, nor let go of each other, until they reached the shade of a tree, that lay somewhat hidden away from view, and they sat down with their backs against the trunk: wide grins still plastered across their faces.
"You are the worst prefect." Sirius let out heavy breaths as he attempted to steady his breathing once more. "The absolute worst." He glanced up at Remus and flashed him a proud grin, "I've been outdone. Surely, unnecessary jinxing would be my area of expertise?"
"And I thought mine was unnecessary comebacks but that fucking nose comment, oh my... just, fucking hell, Sirius." Remus couldn't help but smile somewhat, because the last three minutes was just a continuous string of things they most certainly shouldn't have done, but the way Sirius was just fucking smiling seemed to make up for everything bad in the world. "It was fucking... fucking brutal."
"By that you mean true." Sirius let a grin settle over his lips as Remus continued to shake his head at him in disbelief. "Almost as ugly as Snivellus, wasn't he?"
Remus rolled his eyes a little, before leaning into Sirius slightly, "I didn't jinx him because he was ugly, Sirius, I'm not as shallow as you-"
"Are you calling me shallow?" Sirius exclaimed: just a little too offended, especially considering the truth that Remus' accusation held.
"Yes." Remus told him, before continuing as if nothing had been said: leaving Sirius to gasp at him in a state of disbelief. "Well anyway, I jinxed him because he was being a dick, and really it's sort of justified, isn't it?"
"He was just making fun of my hair, Moony, you can chill, you know? It's cool." Sirius assured him, despite the truth that he greatly appreciated whatever had brought Remus to jinx the dickhead from Ravenclaw. "I know I look pretty and that he's just jealous." He continued in a dramatised tone of voice, leaving Remus to let out a little involuntarily snort. "Don't laugh at me, Moony, next thing you'll be saying that I'm not pretty."
Remus rolled his eyes, biting back a sappy kind of smile in response. "You're very pretty," he added, suddenly feeling every point at which their bodies made contact, and becoming very aware of Sirius and how he sat beside him, just breathing, smiling, and living: all bright eyes and ridiculous jokes and massive grins and high cheekbones and a defined jawline and-
"So are you." Sirius found himself adding without thinking, because perhaps it was just what was on his mind, because Remus was pretty, and maybe it was just one of those things when you accidentally say 'you too' in a completely inappropriate situation- or maybe he was just being fucking nice, and anyway, since when did it ever have to hold any meaning, because it was just a thing, and it was just a joke, but it was just that his tone maybe wasn't quite so jokey anymore and-
Sirius jumped slightly as there came the sound of a forced cough from behind the two of them.
"So which one of you was it?" Standing just a metre before them was a redheaded, only vaguely disappointed looking Lily Evans. In truth, as much as she had just learned to accept this kind of thing, she would have thought that James would have been involved in the jinxing of a Ravenclaw prefect, at least, yet she'd had to talk the prefect out of reporting the incident, and she felt better about doing that now she knew it hadn't saved James from a detention.
"Was what?" Sirius asked, finally managing to somewhat gather his composure.
"The jinx." She told them: eyebrows raised high. "On that Ravenclaw prefect - Thompson."
"Oh, that?" Sirius began to laugh it off: letting out an odd kind of 'pfffft' sound as he cheeks began to turn an odd shade of pink, "absolutely not any of our business."
"Really now?" Lily looked very much unconvinced but sat beside Remus nonetheless. "He wanted to take it to McGonagall, you know?" She continued to speak more so to Remus, who only nodded in response. "Get your badge taken off you," she hoped this might have more of an effect upon the boy, but all in all, Remus was very unfazed by such threats. "Do you not care?"
"He fucking deserved it." Remus very suddenly raised his voice: causing both Sirius and Lily to jump a little. "Sorry." He cursed under his breath and lowered his voice significantly. "He did, though. He was being a dick to Sirius and then he started being homophobic, and then continued like he had the right to talk to me normally after that, so I fucking jinxed him to take the look off his fucking face."
"You jinxed him?" Lily asked: having assumed that it was Sirius, which was not such a preposterous assumption, considering his history, and Sirius did indeed know that, but being the drama queen that he was, he still made a point of taking offense.
"Why do people always blame me?" Sirius began to exclaim, "when he, is just as much of a prat as I am, but he's got his smile and his prefects' badge and the teachers think well of him so he-"
Lily cut Sirius off: knowing that Remus really wasn't one for random jinxing, especially of prefects, and that this matter held a tone of severity that had previously been unknown to her. "What exactly did he say, Remus?"
Remus shrugged slightly, glancing up at Sirius, who was beginning to catch onto what Lily had moments before. "Just some shit about Sirius' hair, and he was just-"
"He called me queer." Sirius cut Remus off: recalling what had happened, "said the whole braid thing was a bit queer, and he's got a point, but it's not like it matters." He shrugged the matter of, but Remus Lupin, a bisexual, was not quite so casual in facing the matter.
"Not like it matters? Course it fucking does. It's using queer is an insult, it's making out like it's a bad thing, which is exactly what constitutes as homophobia, and..." Remus stopped himself, wondering just how close he was to outing himself within his mini rant, but honestly, if Sirius hadn't had any suspicions by this point then he wasn't going to suddenly come to any kind of epiphany.
"It's not like I'm gay, though, so, it's just. Anyway, come on, Moony, it is queer, it's like if I snogged James and then you're saying that isn't queer because it's making out like it's a bad thing-"
"Sirius, I don't think having your hair in a braid and kissing James really are the same thing." Lily added: having been previously silent upon the topic, as in truth, she was unsure as to just what Sirius was aware of in regards to Remus' sexuality, and she didn't want to accidentally let anything slip.
"Look, it's just..." Sirius trailed off, shrugging, "I don't think it's worth being upset over, Moony, he's just being a dick, and I'm fine, I'm not offended or anything."
Remus nodded: beyond tempted to argue his case, but there was a certain kind of line between them, and today was not the day to cross it.
-
Sirius had found himself in the library, which was easily the last place he saw himself spending a Friday afternoon before the start of his fifth year, especially when he was under no obligation to be there. There was only the matter of Remus and Lily, as Lily had wanted to show Remus something in there, and Remus, being the fucking nerd he was, was more than ready to go to the library, which was much less of Sirius' scene, but there was just something about today and there was just something about Remus Lupin that changed everything slightly.
Perhaps it was his hair and the comments people made, perhaps it was Remus' reaction, and in particular, the way he had jinxed that Ravenclaw prefect without even thinking about it, and how this all meant something, and how that something found itself relating to Sirius more than maybe it should. Or perhaps it was simply Sirius relating to it - perhaps this was nothing viewed as something more from his eyes.
But that didn't change anything as Sirius Black sat rather awkwardly on a chair towards the back of the school library and watched as Remus helped Lily look for a certain book, and found himself wondering just where he would have been right now if he had chosen to go after James and Peter instead of with Remus. He also wondered how James would react to the comments he'd received in regards to his hair - likely with a great deal more anger, but Sirius was unsure as to whether James would have gone as far as to jinx a prefect, which was something that honestly had left him looking at Remus in a whole new light.
"There we go!" Lily pulled a dusty, red covered book from the second to top shelf: using magic of course, as she was nowhere near to tall enough to reach it on her own, however, Sirius didn't doubt for even a second that Remus was, but that was rather glad that Remus had made no attempt to confirm this, because Sirius, as a certified somewhat short guy, felt personally attacked by Remus Lupin's mere presence, as he stood there, being fucking tall, and making him look shorter.
Sirius glanced at the title of the book as she slid it onto the table and sat down opposite him, leaving Remus to take the chair beside Sirius, and pulling his long legs up into his lap, and Sirius couldn't help but notice how he absolutely did not fit on that chair at all, and considered offering his lap for Remus to put his legs into, but he realised that perhaps that was maybe a little weird, which of course left him wondering as to how the thought had even gotten into his head in the first place.
"Natural Remedies And Magical Herbs?" Sirius raised his eyebrows slightly: looking at Lily, and then Remus. "And this book about how to make camomile tea is important, how?"
Remus shoved him slightly, rolling his eyes a little, "fuck off." Sirius pouted at him, leaning back in his chair and watching as Remus adjusted his hair so it didn't fall across his face quite so much. "It's not about how to make camomile tea."
"And how would you know?" Sirius hit him with a smirk, "what would be the point in showing you a book you have already read-"
"It's not about chamomile tea." Lily interrupted Sirius with a half hearted kind of glare, "there's something in here about this healing kind of potion thing that I think would be good for that scar," she looked up at Remus, looking to see if he might twitch or have some kind of breakdown at the mention of the scar, but to her surprise, he didn't even seem to take note of its mention.
"Is this it?" Sirius let out a rather childish sounding groan, causing Lily to let out a laugh, as she tried to fathom what Sirius could have possibly been expecting.
"Well, I wanted to show Remus this, and-" she began to explain, but Sirius, being the fucking dramatic piece of shit he was, just wasn't having any of that.
"I thought you guys were like constantly plotting shit in here, or something? Like I don't know, James' demise, or something." At that, Remus let out a full and rather loud laugh: laughing with his whole body and looking genuinely beautiful, and Sirius had to ignore the way his heart was skipping slightly in favour of attempting to disguise the slight flush to his cheeks.
"You're such a fucking drama queen." Remus told him as he caught his breath, "not everything is all theatrics and drama - sometimes it is just natural remedies and magical herbs." He flashed Sirius that beautiful Remus Lupin smile, and he melted back into his seat a little, and more importantly, shut the fuck up.
"He has a point." Lily added, before opening the book and glancing down the contents page, "anyway, let me find this for you. I hope it'll have some effect, because really I can't imagine what it's like with that across your face, you know?" She offered Remus a sympathetic smile.
"It's not that bad, you know? For the most part, people feel too awkward to say anything." Remus only shrugged, and watched as she flicked to a certain page and pushed the book across the table to him. "You're going to have to help me with this, you know?" He let out a stifled kind of laugh as he scanned over the ingredients list.
And in the presence of Remus and his scar, Sirius suddenly felt very guilty and very pathetic for ever thinking that a dare to wear his hair in a braid had ever been any kind of issue, because there was Remus fucking Lupin, his best fucking friend, with a scar across his face and facing a painful transformation every single fucking month for something that was anything but his fault. Sirius bit his lip slightly and rested his head in his hands, watching as Remus continued to look over the textbook: all stupidly long eyelashes and pink lips parted slightly.
"Oh shut up, Remus, you're plenty good at potions, I will not let you put yourself down." Lily let out a slight sigh, and flashed Sirius an odd kind of smile from across the table, that left him blushing again, and this time for reasons he couldn't even fathom explaining, because in truth, there were just a lot of things going on in his head that made absolutely no sense at all, and in truth, maybe that was okay. Maybe he didn't have to completely have himself in order already - he was only fifteen, after all.
"I wasn't talking to you." He looked up: seeming to smile out of only half of his mouth.
Lily raised her eyebrows slightly: not offended, but intrigued, and following Remus' gaze over to Sirius, who was less good at potions, to put it politely, but in all honesty, it wasn't that Sirius wasn't clever, because he really was, it was just that his fucking around in class to actually doing work ratio was way out of balance.
"Me?" Sirius finally seemed to get the picture and let out an awkward kind of choking sound that maybe have been mistaken for actual speech.
"Yeah," Remus told him: his smile developing and taking over his lips completely, "because for this, we might need to make a little trip to Slughorn's supply cupboard."
"Oh," Sirius' face immediately lit up into a grin, "and I would have thought better of you, Moony, as the prestigious, and respectable prefect that you undoubtably are." Remus gave him a gentle shove again, because, he was a good prefect, he was trying, sort of...
"I am not encouraging anything, by the way." Lily leaned back in her chair, "the trouble that you two chose to get yourself in is-"
"Not going to happen." Remus finished for her, "because we're not going to get caught, are we?" He glanced across at Sirius for reassurance, who gave him a rather delayed nod: finding himself not quite as optimistic as Remus seemed to be.
"If you say so." Lily seemed to share Sirius' lack of optimism: having heard more than a few stories of their late night ventures through the school and indeed the consequences of them.
"No, we're not, because you know what? It's always either James or Peter who gets us caught, and they're not coming with us." Remus did sound a bit like a prat in saying so, but he did have a point, and his point lay rather truthful.
"But we're taking James' invisibility cloak, are we?" Sirius grinned at him, because this Remus Lupin who jinxed prefects and suggested they break into Slughorn's supply cupboard, was his favourite Remus Lupin, by far.
Remus was about to respond, but Lily's jaw dropped slightly as she exclaimed, "he has an invisibility cloak?"
Remus let out a snort, and flashed Sirius a questioning look. "He does." He opted for in the end, wondering just what James could be doing with that invisibility cloak that meant he didn't want Lily to know about its existence.
Sirius seemed to share Remus' train of thought and only added, "watch out, Evans," which was pretty useless advice considering the whole invisible nature of the problem. "Well, not watch, because you wouldn't be able to see him stalking you, so... you must punch all the air around you at all times, and hope you eventually might punch him in the face."
"And I'm the 'traitor'." Remus snorted, rolling his eyes a little, but nowhere near even relatively angry, because how could he be, as Sirius Black sat there, being so absent mindedly beautiful, and taking Remus apart from the inside.
-
hey guys hope u liked this v long chapter again i need 2 CHILL
vote and comment if u would like 2
lov u