A/N: Long chapter! I hope you like it, it made me quite weepy actually, so I'm looking forward to hearing what you think of this chapter...! Great song at the side too :)
‘Something’s wrong,’ Blake says, looking across my room at me as I slip on a high-low dress, that I made for a piece of coursework, over my strapless bra and go over to her to so she can do the back zip up for me. It’s a soft orange pattern and I’m wearing a pair of bright blue wedges to contrast the colours, in addition to some chunky silver jewellery. The weather has been sunny all day, so looks like it is going to remain long into the evening.
‘Nothing’s wrong,’ I respond as nonchalantly as possible, shrugging my shoulders. ‘Nothing’s wrong at all.’
As she does the dress up, she comments seriously, ‘Imo, you’ve locked yourself either in here or the library all day yesterday and today and you didn’t tell me what went on with Ozzy either. Something is up.’
I bite my bottom lip as I go back over to my desk to finish applying my makeup. I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything. I promised myself I would keep this to myself for now, and between just me and Ozzy, but the way Blake is looking at me through the mirror hits straight to my core and I know I have to tell her something.
‘I can’t tell you anything now,’ I respond diplomatically, reaching for the highlighter and then begin applying it to the tops of my cheeks.
‘If I guess, will you tell me?’
‘No.’
I put some liquid eye liner on, before deeming myself ready and looking at myself in the full length mirror. Sure, I look pretty tonight, my makeup looks good, my dress looks amazing, my hair is bouncy and curled, but it shines through on my face I’m not content.
‘Are you breaking up with him?’ She asks quietly, walking over to me and resting her hand on my shoulder.
I bite down on my bottom lip harder, not answering her question, but saying instead, ‘I’m going to have a good night with Ozzy. We are going to enjoy ourselves and that is that.’
‘Imo, are you just delaying the inevitable?’
I stand up and shrug her hand off of my shoulder and warn, ‘Don’t, Blake. Just don’t.’
She sighs and grabs her bag, but just before she walks out, ‘I really can’t believe you’re about to do this. Please think very carefully about what you’re doing.’
‘I can’t stop thinking, Blake!’ I cry back to her in frustration. ‘It’s all I’m thinking about!’
‘Good, and don’t stop thinking. I’ll see you there.’
She goes out of my room and walks off, leaving me alone to wait for Ozzy. I know Blake has gone to meet her date at the edge of town, which surprised me as I thought she’d end up going with Sam, but apparently not.
As I pack the last few pieces into my bag, the door opens and I turn to see Ozzy standing there, dressed smartly in fitted black trousers, a white shirt and black suit jacket, with a bow tie. His hair is extra tousled and he looks effortlessly sexy and handsome tonight. His shoes are polished, he smells of a delicious cologne and he is cleanly shaven, adding to his beauty. The effort isn’t lost on me. He’s got a small box in his hand and he gives me a nervous smile. We’ve not seen one another since yesterday and barely exchanged texts apart from organising meeting for tonight. We both knew we needed time and space from one another. I don’t think he’s realised how much thinking I’ve been doing.
‘Wow, you look beautiful, baby.’
He walks across the room and leans down to give me a light kiss on my lips; his hand gently touching my back as he does.
‘This is for you,’ he says, handing me the box.
Carefully, I unwrap it and see a small wishbone silver ring encased inside, sat snuggly against the velvet.
‘You said you wanted a midi-ring so I tracked one down. It looked delicate and nice, so...’
I take the ring out and slip it on the right finger and look up at Ozzy, my heart stopping as I do. ‘I-’ I stutter, surprised by his thoughtful gift.
‘You’re welcome,’ he says with a small smile. ‘Shall we head off?’
‘Yes. Lets.’
It’s not as awkward being with Ozzy as I had anticipated it being from yesterday’s argument, but there’s definitely an underlying tension, particularly when Blake comes over not long after we arrive. I can tell she’s not completely sober, as she looks very serious at us when she sees me and Ozzy standing together, hand in hand.
‘Evening, Blake,’ he says, leaning down and kissing her cheek. ‘You look lovely tonight.’
She gives him a soft smile and returns the compliment. ‘Everything okay with you both?’ She asks, and the ambiguity is not lost on me.
‘Everything is fine,’ I affirm, and narrow my eyes at her. ‘Come on, Ozzy, let’s go on the ferris wheel.’
I lead Ozzy off, watching as Blake and her date, Kellan watch us walk away, but am soon distracted by Ozzy’s arm wrapping itself around my waist and gently caressing my sides. He presses his lips to my temple, before asking, ‘Is Blake okay?’
Nerves rise up in my body and I nod. ‘Yeah, I guess she might just be nervous as she’s got a date and isn’t with Sam.’
This seems to suffice his curiosity for the meanwhile. We queue up for a booth on the ferris wheel, before promptly getting on and slowly ascending around the wheel to the highest point. Ozzy face is delighted and he can’t help but smile all the way around, before pointing out some landmarks in the city. He rests his hand on my thigh. The university campus and city looks spectacular from this view up above. Different parts of the campus are illuminated and we can hear the music from the bands and artists booming out from the loud speakers, and yet none of that can distract my mind from thinking about my relationship with Ozzy.
After our ride, we head off to get some drinks and I’m thankful for the liquid courage I’m being given. After downing a vodka and coke, which heads straight into my blood stream, I’m feeling more comfortable around Ozzy and less on edge. We’ve found the rest of my flatmates, with Gino, Rowland, Delaney and Ford sitting at a table together. We squeeze on the end, me sitting on Ozzy’s lap and join in the conversation.
I feel nervous as I see Blake approach again, her eyes softening when she sees Ozzy. I know she loves him as her dear friend. Their friendship is just as strong as mine is with her, which makes me feel much worse. Worried that she may say something, I take her hand and excuse us to head to the toilets, hoping to warn her off saying anything destructive.
‘How can you lie to him like this?’ She asks angrily, snapping her wrist from my grasp. ‘He has no clue. No clue!’
‘I’m not lying. I am enjoying my evening with him. Is that so wrong?’ I snap back at her.
‘Yes, it is, especially if you’re planning on breaking up with him.’
‘Blake, HUSH!’ I scold, looking around to see if anyone heard.
‘You really don’t know how much that boy loves you, do you? He would die for you, Imo. He’s so torn apart recently and it’s horrible seeing him so unhappy yet so determined to try. Can’t you see that?’
I push open the door to the toilets and ignore her, opting to splash my face with some water to wake myself up. ‘I need you to be supportive and not to make this any harder.’
‘You’ve made it harder spending tonight with him! God, the Summer Ball is meant to be a romantic, fun and enjoyable place and you’re ruining that.’
‘Please, Blake. Don’t hurt Ozzy tonight. Let him enjoy tonight.’
‘Me? Imo, you’re the one who is hurting him by delaying what you’re doing. That’s not fair.’
I scrape my hand through my messy hair and beg, ‘Just, please. Let me have tonight with him.’
‘What about trying? What about living with him? Have you considered how this is all going to flare up?’
As Blake mentions us living together, I can feel the world closing in on me. How unbearable will it be to live with someone you’ve decided you need time away from? How will we really cope? But we have to, there’s no other option, and yet it feels much harder knowing how intricately our lives are intertwined.
‘It’ll be fine,’ I reassure her, or more to myself. ‘I have to go, Blake, just please don’t say anything to him tonight.’
‘I really am sad for you, Imo. I really, really am.’
‘Blake!’ I scold, angry at her attitude. ‘Don’t make this harder!’
She shakes her head, before walking out on me. I groan at her anger and look at myself in the mirror and grumble. After walking across to where our friends are sitting, I go over to Ozzy’s seat and rest my hands on his shoulders, shooting everyone a smile, as fake as it may be.
He looks up and frowns at me. He pulls me down onto his lap and leans in, whispering, ‘Are you sure you’re okay? You’re frowning and you seem a bit tense.’
‘Me? I’m fine!’ I say, a little too enthusiastically. ‘Come on, let’s go and dance. Bye guys.’
I go to drag his hand to follow me, but he gives me a puzzled look, ‘Do you want to dance? Really?’
I nod enthusiastically and lead him through the crowds to where the bands are playing. Hand in hand, arms around one another, we dance and for a few moments, I forget about our troubles.
But our troubles can’t be forgotten for long, as I spot Emma looking across as us while we dance. She looks annoyingly hot tonight and every pair of eyes is on her tight fitting red dress and long legs, but she only has eyes for Ozzy. My anger against her is still fuelled, and he catches me looking at her, before saying assuringly, ‘Don’t let her bother us tonight. Let’s forget about yesterday.’
As much as I want to forget about yesterday, I worry that that is an impossible task and the crux of our problems. Thankfully though, we manage to dance and listen to the music, both of us drinking more than we should, before we’re stumbling back to Ozzy’s room, giggling and laughing, so much so, I’ve nearly put aside my earlier fears of what is going to happen to us.
I fall back on Ozzy’s bed, giggling as his lips seductively begin to trail up my calves and then my thighs, when I say something I did not anticipate me saying. ‘Have sex with me.’
Immediately, he looks up from moving between my legs as he rests his elbows either side of my body, careful not to press too much of his weight on me. But his drunken manner means there’s a little more pressure and weight on my body than what would normally be.
‘What?’ He asks, bringing my fingertips to his lips, pressing a kiss to each one.
‘Please,’ I pout and slur, the sudden urge for us to try and connect as one last chance before what could be inevitable for us. ‘I want to. I want to have sex with you. I really want to.’
‘Immy, you’re drunk,’ he moans through laughter, nuzzling into my neck, with his hands trailing all up my body and gently groping and caressing in all the right areas.
‘I want us to, Oz,’ I say, almost beg him. If this is the last night we’re going to spend together, I want it to be memorable, if not for myself, then for Ozzy. This is heightening all of my emotions and I want this. I want this for him. ‘Come on, I want you,’ I whisper into his ear, letting my teeth nibble at his ear lobe and my hands clumsily falling to the front of his trousers to try and unzip them, but to no avail.
A gruff moan rumbles from his throat, before he drags his ear away from my teeth and looks into my eyes as he says. ‘Baby I don’t think we should yet. You’ve not been yourself this evening,you’re drunk and I don’t want you to regret it. I just, I don’t think it’s right for us now. Soon though, yeah? Real soon.’
I accept his decline of my offer as I feel him roll off of me, and without another word, I fall asleep, taking nothing in that he’s saying as my mind turns itself off.
+++
A throbbing headache has woken me up this morning and I’m in pure agony. I look behind myself and see Ozzy is spooning me, his arm around my waist and his face pressed against my neck.
Images of the previous night flood back and I feel utterly sick at how I asked Ozzy to have sex with me. A large amount of alcohol does not agree with me, it would seem. I look down at the covers and see that I’m still in the same clothes I was in last night and seem untouched.
As Ozzy continues to hug me, I feel more and more guilty about yesterday. I shouldn’t have spent the Summer Ball with him, knowing what I know I’m going to be doing today. It just felt wrong to do it on the day of the ball and ruin his time, but inevitably, I guess I am going to. I also shouldn’t have suggested having sex. What was I thinking?
Nudging him, I try to rouse him from his slumber, but unsuccessfully so. I continue, probing and poking him, when he finally gives in and says, ‘Nooo.’
‘Are you hungover?’ I ask him.
He shakes his head. ‘Nope. Just tired. Why?’
I bite my bottom lip before mumbling, ‘Can we meet later on and talk?’
He nods, still half asleep. ‘Sure. I’ll come around later.’
I slip my heels back on and watch Ozzy snuggle back into the covers, before running my hand through his hair and sighing. I have a feeling this is going to be much more difficult than I could ever anticipate.
The time flies by, after having a shower, sobering up and running through in my head what I’m going to say to Ozzy, soon enough, the time arrives and he’s turned up at my flat, ready to ‘talk’. I don’t expect the first thing I do is to well up when he walks through the door. Watching as he enters, my heart constricts in pain. This is not fair. This is so unfair on him, on us. How do I even begin saying what I need to say?
‘Baby, what’s wrong?’ He asks worriedly, drawing me into his body and rubbing my back. ‘Why are you sad? Is everything okay?’
I nod, but not sure why. Everything’s not okay. That’s the reason for him being here. Sighing, I head over to my bed and sit down, waiting for him to join me.
‘What’s wrong?’ He asks again.
I feel tears fill my eyes as I say, ‘Us.’
‘Hmm? What do you mean?’
‘Ozzy, I just, I can’t do this. Us. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be in this relationship anymore.’
I don’t want to look at him, but I have to. I have to see what he is feeling, how he is looking. But I immediately wish I didn’t as I see his eyes are glazing over in tears. His face is contorting in pure torture and it physically hurts me.
‘Where has this come from?’ He asks quietly, brushing his hand against his eyes. ‘We had fun last night. We were fine.’ He enthuses. ‘What’s wrong with us?’
I thought it was clear enough, but apparently not.
‘It’s everything, Ozzy. We’re so different now. Our whole relationship is different to what it must have been before. I’m not the same person I was and you know that, deep down you know that I’ve changed because I don’t remember any of the things that made me the person you fell in love with. Then there’s you feeling so worried about me being friends with Leon and Emma meddling and me not loving you the same way you love me. It’s just all gone wrong, Oz, you have to see that.’
‘Immy-‘
‘Ozzy no-,’ I say, resting my hand against his chest. ‘You’ve got to let me finish.’ I rub my temple as I try to go back to the reasons why I’m doing this, and they’re all pointing back to Ozzy. ‘Our relationship isn’t what it used to be. From what people tell me, we were jokey, irresponsible, madly and ridiculously in love with one another and now-
‘But I do love you!’ he exclaims. ‘I love you so much, Immy. I love you now.’ Tears continue to fill his eyes but I shake my head.
‘Ozzy, please. You love who I was. You love the girl that I cannot remember or access. I know you care deeply for me, but you know I’m not there. I can’t bear to keep arguing with you over things. I can’t bear that because it’s making you so unhappy.’
‘Immy, you’ve got to give it time. You could wake up tomorrow and remember everything and we would be back to normal and-‘
‘And that might not happen. I’m probably going to be one of the few people who might not get their memory back. It’s been three months, Ozzy and it’s not been easy. It’s not been easy on both of us.’
‘But you could fall in love with me. Sure, when we first got together, we fell hard and fast but maybe this time it’s better us being more mature and thinking-‘
‘Ozzy that’s not you!’ I cry, feeling awful as he keeps arguing back with me. ‘Do you think I don’t realise the quiet comments people make about us? How we’re so different, how we’re not the same, how they feel sorry for you because I’m so different? That kills me, Ozzy, I hate that this has all happened and I can’t let you devote yourself to me when it’s not right.’
‘That’s not your decision to make. Through thick and thin, we always said we’d stick with one another. We’ve gone through so much, Immy, you can’t let this beat us.’
‘It already has,’ I say sadly, feeling my tears slip down my cheeks. ‘Ozzy, it’s happened. We've lost our love. it's gone. I’ve clung to you for support and comfort, and now we’ve been fighting and falling apart more recently and I don’t share that deep, intense feeling of love you have for me and I can’t let this keep going on. It's gone.’
‘Why? Why do you get to decide what’s best? We were fine last night! Everything was fine!’
‘Because we didn’t talk about what caused us to break down the day before. And I know you would stick by me, Ozzy, that’s the thing. I know that you would do everything and anything to support me because you love me so much, but don’t you see I’m not there?’
‘Say, Immy, say it,’ he mutters.
‘Oz-‘
‘SAY IT!’ He yells at me through tears and I scrunch my hair in my hands and shake my head. ‘SAY YOU DON’T LOVE ME!’
‘Don’t make this harder. Please,’ I beg him.
‘Harder? That my girlfriend of over a year and a half is breaking up with me and yet you won’t say what you’re thinking?’
‘I can’t let us go on any longer.’
‘You’re not even trying,’ he claims, burying his head in his hands as he cries. ‘You won’t even try for me, Immy.’
‘I’ve tried so fucking much!’ I throw back at him. ‘I have tried so hard to make us work, I’ve tried so hard to find that chemistry we had, to find those feelings of love, but Ozzy I can’t lie to you. It’s not happened and I can’t let us continue on because we’ll just get sadder. We’re getting sadder. I can’t feel like I can’t see Leon or hang out with my new friends because you’re worried about me. I can’t do that. And you’re not going to stop being insecure.’
He doesn’t say anything for a good few minutes and I daren’t speak. He needs this time to think quietly, even if I am in the room with him. Without warning, huge sobs escape his mouth and I can’t help but wrap my arms around his crying body. I soothe him with soft whispers, hoping to contrast with his trauma and rub his back gently until he calms down. He looks up at me and he looks so broken I feel his pain.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I whisper. ‘I’m so so sorry.’
He purses his lips before saying, ‘Your tattoo. Me and you, forever and infinity. Don’t you see what we were like?’
I shake my head, hoping to forget the permanent mark left on my body. I glance down at my foot and then at his matching one and cringe at that reminder.
‘It’s what we were like, Ozzy. We aren’t like that now.’
‘But it is us; how even when things got tough, our love, feelings and words for one another. We’re too strong to give up on us.’
Tears fill my eyes as I see the complete torture and sadness etched across Ozzy’s face, but I can’t help but shake my head. ‘I can’t do this, Ozzy. We can’t do this.’
‘We can! I know we can make it work, it’s just different this time.’
‘But I can’t remember the first time! Please listen to me because this is so hard. I can see how much you love me, believe me I do and I can see glimpses of the guy I must have fallen in love with too, but we’re not there anymore.’
He stands up, obviously needing space from the close proximity, before looking back at me from my desk. ‘How long have you felt like this?’
Locking my hands together, I say quietly, ‘After our talk on Monday.’
‘Please don’t give up on us, Immy. Please,’ he begs. ‘We can take a break, give you time to think.’
But I shake my head, glancing up at him, with his desperate eyes and panicked expression. ‘I am not going to let you wait for me, you can’t do that.’
‘So you’re going to see other people? Is that what this is all about?’ He challenges.
I look up alarmed. ‘No, not at all. This is about us.’
‘We’ve been doing fine though! This has come out of fucking nowhere, Imogen,’ he yells at me and I flinch at the force of his voice.
I look up through my lashes at him standing and feel somewhere within me retort back, ‘We’re not working! You can’t say this is a healthy relationship.’
‘You say we’re not working and yet you begged me to have sex with you last night,’ he mutters and immediately I feel hurt. He must sense this because he looks across the room at me and his tone changes. ‘Immy-‘
‘I didn’t think I had to beg you for sex,’ I respond furiously.
‘So you wanted sex last night and yet you’re here today wanting to end things? I don’t get you!’ He shouts in fury.
‘That’s the whole point!’ I retort back at him.
He sighs, growing even more frustrated and warns, ‘You’ve got to just stop and think about all of this all. You’re throwing away our whole relationship. You’re not thinking straight.’
‘But I am,’ I mope, the conversation becoming harder and harder. ‘I can’t do this anymore.’
He shakes his head at me and I watch as tears fall down his cheeks and feel my heart breaking. This is so hard. This is too hard. I reach across for his hand and he takes it, bringing it up to his lips and begins to cry.
‘I can’t let you go, Immy. You’re everything to me. You’re my love,’ he whispers, his voice full of emotion and his throat hoarse from crying.
I bite down on my bottom lip and swipe my tears away with my free hand. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I can’t live without you. Please, Immy. I’ll be cooler with Leon. I’ll do anything. I’ll come to counselling. Anything, Immy, I’ll do anything. Please let us try.’
‘But it’s too late, Ozzy. My memory isn’t coming back steadily, we’ve been arguing more and I can’t let us go on like this.’
‘I hate this. I hate that you’ve given up on us,’ he says, dropping my hand and running his own through his hair roughly.
‘I’ve tried, Ozzy! I’ve tried for three months, but I can’t keep trying. I can’t keep trying when we’re fighting and struggling and arguing more than usual. I just, I just think I need time by myself. I need time to find me. Maybe we shouldn’t have gone straight into a relationship, but we did and I don’t regret it, but I need time alone now. I am getting so stressed with everything that I just think I’m better off not in a relationship. It’s going to be summer at the end of this week, it’s something I need to do.’
‘I’ll wait for you,’ he tells me. ‘I’ll always wait for you.’
I shake my head adamantly, seeing how desperate he is. ‘No, Ozzy, please. You can’t. I might never get my memory back and giving you false hope is not fair.’
‘What about us living together? Do you not care anymore?’
‘Ozzy, I am doing this because I care. And we can still live together. We can make it work.’
He shakes his head and looks at me, utterly deflated and heartbroken, before asking, ‘Tell me honestly, do you fancy Leon? Do you want to be with him?’
‘What? Ozzy, no, that’s not what this is about. This does not involve Leon at all.’
‘But if he likes you, would you date him?’ He repeats, his eyes looking narrowly at me.
‘Leon is my friend,’ I tell him pointedly. ‘I’m not breaking up with you to get with Leon. I promise you that.’
At that moment, my door opens and in walks Blake, unaware of what is going on. She wanders through and then spots Ozzy on my bed and her eyes widen. She looks between us both, before pulling an apologetic face.
‘Oh God, I’m sorry, I-’
Ozzy stands up and shakes his head, his arms flailing up in the air as his shoulders shrug. ‘Don’t worry about it. I don’t think anything is going to change here.’ I watch as he wipes his eyes with the back of his sleeve and shrugs at Blake.
‘No, I’ll go,’ Blake affirms, looking at Ozzy.
But Ozzy heads towards the door, just before Blake and says, ‘No, really. I don’t think I can sit here any longer and hear my Imogen tell me these things. Look after her, Blake.’
And with that, not only does Ozzy walk straight out of my room, but it feels as if he’s walking out of my life for good.