He let her sleep until 9:30 the next morning; amazed that her own alarm hadn’t woken her bright and early at 5 am like normal. He heard noise from the bedroom and knocked lightly on the door.
“Liv? It’s Elliot, is everything alright?” He opened the door to her bedroom; he thought she was still asleep until a tiny moan escaped from her lips.
“I can’t move without feeling like I’m going to be sick, I can’t get out of bed!” she had lowered her voice to a tentative whisper in the hopes that it wouldn’t jar her roiling stomach.
“Shh, stay still I’ll be back in a sec”. He grabbed the paper bag full of groceries he had gone out to get that morning while she was still sleeping. He came back with a package of saltines and pressed one into her hand. “God, El I don’t want food right now, I want to die”. “Good, now see your sense of humor is already returning” he joked back.
Cautiously, she ate one cracker, then another and another; she breathed a sigh of relief. “Feeling any better?” “Much thanks” Olivia replied as she walked into the kitchen after her shower. “We’re going to be late for your appointment, let’s go”. Elliot picked up her coat and waited expectantly by the door.
“Uh, Elliot – I, uh, hadn’t really planned on you going to the appointment with me, I’ll be fine now El. Thanks for your help”.
“You really expect me to let you go through this alone?”
“Exactly El, it shouldn’t be a matter of you LETTING me do anything! This is the problem; I don’t need you permission or approval”
Elliot wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. “Hear me out Liv; I don’t want you to go through this alone. You shouldn’t have to either. I want to be there for you, for our baby. At least you have to allow me that Olivia”. “El – I don’t want this to ruin what we have, or affect our relationship or…” “Let’s just get through this day by day, starting with the doctors and making sure mother and baby are doing okay”.
Olivia nodded, brown eyes filled with uncertainty. Elliot drove to the appointment at a clinic on the upper east side on 43rd street. As they drove, he glanced over repeatedly at Olivia who didn’t say a word the entire time they were in the car. But as they passed by a couple walking with a stroller near central park, she smiled wistfully at the pair who were so obviously in love and placed her hands over her own stomach. He yearned to pull aside her coat and shirt to see if there were any changes in her body yet made by their baby that lay nestled deep beneath her tender touch.
She barely noticed as he parked the car and jumped slightly as he placed his own hand over hers where it lay over her belly “we’re here Liv”.
She nodded brusquely and got out of the car. Elliot made to guide her by gently cupping her elbow as she walked up the stairs but she shrugged him off; “I’m fine El, I’m not going to break”. He backed off reluctantly and waited while she filled out the registration forms at the front desk.
She came back with a clipboard and sat down heavily beside him. “They want to know my family’s medical history” Her hand shook as she fiddled with the pen until the cap broke off. Elliot took it from her hands – “it’s going to be okay Liv”. Just then, a nurse appeared at the door and chirped out ‘Ms. Benson, they’re ready for you”.
Olivia stood but didn’t let go of Elliot’s hand which surprised him. He stood up with her and went into the exam room after she’d changed and sat beside the exam chair. The doctor bustled in cheerily, “Hello Olivia – good to see you again. Is this the baby’s father?” Elliot rose and offered his hand, “Elliot Stabler and yes, I am the father of this baby. Tell me, is everything alright with the pregnancy – no blood pressure problems, sign of pre-eclampsia, HCG levels are good?”
The doctor raised her eyebrows and chuckled “Not the first time we’ve been through this then Mr. Stabler?” He grinned wryly, “No, uh, actually I’ve got 5 but only one is still living at home”. The doctor nodded wisely, “alright now Olivia everything looks good with the pregnancy and your calculation of twelve weeks gestation appears correct. Today we’re just going to do a routine ultrasound and run a set of tests which we’ll repeat at 16 and 20 weeks”. “Yeah, that’s fine”.
Elliot gently pried her hands from being clamped on her stomach and held them tight in his own hands, warming them and keeping them away so that the doctor could perform the tests. “Sorry” she mumbled embarrassedly as she inched down her jeans and pushed up her top so that the doctor could spread the gel for the ultrasound.
Elliot could only stare at her as she exposed her stomach. It was almost as smooth and flat as he had imagined except for the slight curve that mounded just below her belly button. Lowering the Doppler probe he strained his ears listening for the hummingbird beat that would signify their baby’s heartbeat.
After a few moments of strained silence, the doctor found what she was looking for and moved her mouse around the screen clicking intermittently as she took pictures for measurement. Olivia’s gaze moved from her stomach to the screen and back again; “Omigod…is that the baby?” “Yep, that’s your baby” – the doctor kept the probe still for another few seconds so that they could get a good look before she handed Olivia a wad of paper towel so that she could wipe the sticky gel off of her stomach.
The doctor’s hand replaced Olivia’s as she felt her stomach. “Well congratulations again you two, I can positively confirm that you are expecting a healthy baby due around November 11th. Keep taking your prenatal vitamins and taking care of yourself and I will see you in four weeks if everything progresses as it should. At your next appointment we can speak more about preparing for an advanced maternal age high risk pregnancy and birth and discuss your options then.”
Olivia sat up and yanked her shirt back down over her stomach once the doctor had left; “I hate hearing about how old I am, how I’m at an advanced age to be a mother like I’m some kind of doddering geriatric who can’t remember how to tie her own shoes” she complained bitterly as she struggled to do up her jeans button. As she fought against the zipper she burst into laughter, leaning onto the table for support.
“Am I gonna get clocked if I laugh as well?” Elliot teased. “No, you cannot laugh at me because I’m getting fat- you made me this way” she choked out, now between laughter and tears. She gave up trying to do up her zipper and settled for pulling her sweater down over top of the gap and buttoning her coat.
“I think you look beautiful”. The words slipped out before Elliot knew he was saying them and he cursed himself once they did. She stopped laughing and looked into his eyes as her own widened with shock and some confusion. Elliot tried to cover his tracks by handing her her coat and saying “come on, let’s find someplace to eat. I’m starved – and you need to feed that baby”.
“Can we get Chinese?” she asked as they got into the car. “Anything you want Liv, what the pregnant lady wants the pregnant lady gets”. “Damn straight” she grinned and buckled her seat belt; and Elliot noticed the extra care she took adjusting it to sit below her hips instead of across her stomach.
He watched her finish her own food and start on his before he spoke again “Olivia, how do you feel about this.”
She put down her fork and leaned back; “I won’t lie to you Elliot I’m more scared than I have ever been. Every moment I’m questioning my ability to keep this baby safe. But I am so so happy about this baby and to have this chance to be its mom. There has never been a moment’s doubt in my mind about that part of this”.
“But knowing that I’m the father…” he trailed off not wanting to hear her answer.
She tilted her head to one side and breathed in deeply before answering. “I didn’t know my father but what I knew about him has haunted me every day of my life – knowing that my baby has not just a good man – but my best friend as his father” She looked him straight in the eyes before continuing “I can’t think of anyone else I would want to be the father of my child more than you”.
They left the restaurant and as they made their way to the car, Olivia sniffed and roughly brushed her eyes. She whirled around and made a scoffing noise in the back of her throat. “And I don’t want to lose you Elliot. Because as hard as we may fight against us, something has changed – and it can’t be changed back. I can’t lose you as my best friend Elliot I can’t”. She broke off, trying to swallow back the lump in her throat, telling herself, ordering herself not to give in to tears again.
A muscle twitched in Elliot’s jaw and he took her face in his hands and made her face him. He rested his forehead against hers, making sure their eyes locked.
“There’s this woman” he started, and Olivia felt her throat tighten in worry at what this speech about another woman was leading to. “I’ve known her for years. She’s a consummate career woman – some would say married to the job, and damn good at what she does.
If there was ever a woman who needed a man, it would not be her; Lord knows she’s strong or at least stubborn enough to handle anything, anything life throws her way. And it’s thrown her a lot.
But she’s not perfect, nope – far from it. One lesson that she needs to learn is that depending on someone is the same as trusting them, and being able to trust someone is a strength rather than a weakness. And it’s only her fear of the past and the future that keeps her from being fully involved in the present.
And the present is so important; it’s what your past has shaped and what shapes your future. The present is worth being in, and right now, regardless of what the past has brought or what the future may bring, the present is seeing this woman in front of me. The present is her eating her sitting here, eating her meal so she can stay strong and healthy to keep her baby safe and healthy that is growing in her right now.
And difficult enough as it is to give your heart to someone…Olivia” He took her hand “I can see right now that you love this baby more than anything else in the world, in the way that the only tears you have shed have been for him or her, in the way that your hand drops to your stomach and you touch your belly when you think no one’s looking. And that’s all the direction for the future you need”.
“Where the hell did that come from?” she asked – desperately trying to lighten the tension that she could feel his words evoke in the shivers running up and down her spine.
“Well, part of it might have come from the fortune cookie from the restaurant…but the rest of it I meant every word”.
She said nothing further until they’d reached Olivia’s apartment, and she put a hand on the car door handle “You’re right Elliot”. She broke his gaze and looked out the front window as she struggled to fit all the pieces of her mind together.
“My baby is the most important thing to me right now, so…” she breathed in once deeply as she came to a decision “I think, that what I need right now and what I need to do for my baby right now is to, to get a little distance”.
Elliot’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth, presumably to protest against what she was saying, but she held a hand up to stop him “I need to think about what is best for my baby Elliot, and I can’t do that with you hanging over my shoulder or being such a constant presence in my life at the moment. I’m not saying I’m going to keep our child from you – but I am asking you, to give me some time to figure out where I’m at. I’ll let you know if there are any health concerns with the baby as the pregnancy progresses”.
“As it progresses, Olivia just how much time do you need? Because I can’t and won’t be away from my child that long”.
The words ‘my child’ hit Olivia’s heart like a sledgehammer. They reminded her of both the fact that Elliot was involved, and that she couldn’t just run away from all of this – and that Elliot wouldn’t be here except for the fact that she was carrying his child in her belly. And once she gave birth, Elliot’s interest would wane as what he wanted would then exist in a separate entity.
“I understand you want to be involved El – and I’m going to try my hardest not to make this period last the entire 9 months, but even if it does that’s what I need from you right now. I will however, be sure to send you a picture of the 20 week ultrasound”.
Elliot was about to retort back that she wasn’t about to SEND him anything, that he was going to be there with her at the scan. But as he saw the slight drooping of her shoulders, the bags under her eyes and the limp hand that was rubbing her stomach tiredly he forced himself to step back.
“Goodbye, Elliot” she turned and walked up the first flight of stairs that led to her apartment on the 14th floor supporting herself with one hand on the railing.
As Elliot got back in the car and drove to the precinct, he couldn’t help thinking that come hell or high water there was no way he was going to let Olivia say ‘goodbye’ to him – not without a fight.
Olivia’s resolve strengthened that night when she went to change into her pajamas and caught sight of herself in the full length mirror in the corner of her bedroom. She rolled the pajama bottoms down so that they sat underneath her hipbones.
Despite showering, she could still feel small traces of the dried ultrasound gel on her stomach which since her 9th week of pregnancy had started to form barely a palm’s worth of bump, but a bump nonetheless. Not that it would be detectable to anyone who saw her clothed.
Tracing careful fingertips across the faint swelling of her belly she felt it was still smooth and as yet unmarked by any veins or stretch marks but it was firm to the touch, and if she pressed in slightly she could feel it mound just above her pubic bone.
“Oh sweet baby” she murmured softly “I hope we’re doing the right thing”.
“Uh captain, can I speak with you for a moment?” Cragen looked up from the paperwork on his desk. “Sure” he gestured to a seat in front of him and pushed the ever-present jar of licorice towards her as she sat.
Her stomach recoiled at the scent and she put a hand up, as if to stave off the offending odor “uh, no I’m good thanks”.
“So what can I do for you Olivia?” “I’m putting in a temporary request for reassignment in the unit”. She looked up from her lap to face her boss – and the man who so many times she’d come to like a father.
“I’m pregnant”. Captain Cragen’s expression didn’t change – he exhaled through his nose, his lips stayed in a tight grim line as he nodded slowly. “How far along are you?” “I’m about 14 weeks”.
He nodded again “and the father…?” Olivia’s breath hitched and she wrung her hands tightly beneath the oak desk’s cover “I would prefer not to involve him at the current time” “at least tell me he knows, Olivia” “Yes, yes he knows about the baby – it was my decision to get a little space”.
Skeptical, Cragen continued his line of questioning “and by needing distance from the baby’s father you also happen to need distance from your partner?” Olivia’s heart dropped, damn – she’d made it too obvious.
“Please captain”. It was the last please, and the desperate glimmer of fear and hope in the deep brown eyes that made Cragen sigh and acquiesce. “Alright Olivia, I’ll temporarily reassign Fin to you for the moment – he and Stabler are still having beef at the moment”. “Thank you captain”.
“I don’t want to see you get hurt Olivia, either of you. Elliot’s not going to be too happy about this” “I know, I told him last week that I was planning on asking you – but I wanted to get past the first trimester so I could be sure I wasn’t raising hell for nothing, if…if something was wrong with the pregnancy”.
“You know that in a month or so I’m going to have to put you on desk duty – 18 to 20 weeks is IAB’s cutoff for pregnant cops on active duty”.
“Yeah I know don’t remind me” she groaned with a smile – relieved that the subject had changed. “When are you planning on telling the rest of the squad” “I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet – but I will; soon. I won’t be able to hide it for much longer anyway”.
Olivia smiled ruefully touching a hand to her stomach that was still hidden by the desk. She had already given up trying to fit into some of her tighter pants and some, like the ones she was wearing today she could only fit into with the help of a safety pin.
“Okay, I’ll fill out the paperwork – but if this goes on longer than a month, internal affairs needs to go through the process of an official change in partner. “Got it cap” “I hope you know what you’re doing Olivia”. She closed the office door behind her and murmured under her breath as she saw the distant profile of her now ex-partner and soon to be father to her baby, “so do I”.
Thanks for the support and keep commenting! The more comments I get the faster I upload!! xo, TLH