We got back to Lowell late, or rather, early morning. We drove through the night and collapsed into my bedroom growing up when the sky was still obsidian. I rolled out and onto my rug covered hardwood floor, landing with a groan. "I wanna watch the sunrise." I informed the dead weight body still in my bed.
"Alright." She joined me on the floor and we stood up together.
"I swear I have the muscle to do this, but I lack the energy capacity." I helplessly pushed on the window.
"Move over I'll do it." She laughed and shoved the glass pane upward. We sat hip to hip on the slanted gravely surface. I sighed at the orange colored sky.
"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"
"Sunrises personify bittersweet." I shared. "Because they mean the moon is setting and I hate seeing the moon leave." I looked at her to find her looking back at me. "The hardest good mornings are the ones followed with goodbye, so" I bit my lip, mentally preparing my proposition. "I'm going to sell my apartment and-"
"What- I mean, why? I understand if you want to start fresh or move back home, but if you leave New York you'll be so far away again-" she was trying to be supportive, but I knew she hated the idea of reinforcing distance. I did too.
"I'm staying in New York. Here isn't home. You are." I cut her off. "I'd like a new apartment... But I'd like for you to live in it with me." I added quietly. "You don't have to say yes. I know stony brook is your home and-"
"Yes. Hell yes. You're my home too. I'd love to have a permanent residence that's not mine, not yours, but ours."
My smile turned watery from dry. "I promised myself if you agreed I wasn't gonna cry. I swore I was above this."
"Stop it." She fanned her face. "I'm serious omg you're gonna make me cry too."
"Did you just real life abbreviate 'omg' what the fuck is wrong with you?" I giggled and pressed my face into her shoulder, suddenly too giddy to contain. "I love you so much Lexa."
She wrapped her arms around me and laid back against the roof, pulling me with her. "I love you too Lynds."
-
We slept into the afternoon until the sun's angle was the correct degree and blinding light shone into my adolescent cave. "Turn it off." I whined.
"Nope. Up we go." She threw me over her shoulder before I could anchor myself. She carried me down the steps and set me on the counter. There was a note on the fridge from my fam letting me know that they'd be back in a few hours and the time stamp was from the morning.
"What do you want to do?" She asked after I handed her the post it.
"I need to make things right with the boys, but that's a reunion I don't know if I'm ready for because I'm at a standstill with music. Writer's block I suppose. Anyway, there's still shit I need to do and people I need to see before I rededicate myself to the band." I said solemnly.
"It's good to see you taking a step back and not pushing yourself to outgrow your limits yet. You need to readjust and learn how to cope with everyday life in a healthy way before throwing yourself onto the road again."
I nodded. "You help me put what I want in perspective. Always have." My phone ringing caught me off guard. "What are the odds?" I mumbled at the caller id.
"Hey. I was about to text you."
"Were you now?"
"I'd say lay off the sarcasm, but I more than deserve it."
"Damn right." He paused. "This is the longest conversation we've had in months, but you sound... ok. Are you?"
"Better than. Look. I'm in Lowell and I will be all week so could we hang sometime?"
"You're in- you- you're here? Where?"
"I'm at my parent's house."
"Are you joking?"
"Not at all. My mom had some weird epiphany on thanksgiving and is now thankful and giving toward me and" I stopped myself.
"You and who?"
"Are you free today?"
"Yeah. I'll come over, but Lynn, who were you going to say? You and who?"
"I guess you'll find out when you get here." I tapped the screen and left Josh with the dial tone. "Well this oughtta be interesting."
"Am I just going to stand behind you until he sees me or what? Actually no, you need to talk first. I'll chill in here until I'm summoned."
"You're making me face him alone!?"
"Yes. Take his yelling like a man Lyndsey."
"That's misogynistic."
"It's a figure of speech you know I mean nothing by it now quit distracting me when I'm lecturing you."
My phone blared again. "Saved by the bell. Hello?"
"Ding dong motherfucker. Let me in."
"Damn that was quick."
"I'm waiting."
"Calm your dick. I'm coming."
"That was the most unintentionally sexual thing you've ever said to me."
"BYE." I unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door.
"Shit you look good."
"I thought you were gay."
"You know I'm straight for you babygirl." He winked and stepped through the door frame, dropping his leather jacket on the floor. "Seriously though, you look great. Wholesome. Three months ago you were six feet under above ground. What the hell happened?"
"I'm into practicing teetotalism these days and I'm not abstemious with food."
A ghost of pride haunted his eyes. "How long?"
"Two months."
"Why? Don't take that the wrong way, I more than encourage this."
"I got someone keepin me in check."
He cleared his throat, trying to remain impartial and like he wasn't the gossip queen. "Right. You began to mention you and someone over the phone."
"I did."
"And?" He said impatiently. "Who is it?"
"Who is who?" Something about our interaction took me back years ago to guitar center and being late because of the first of many songwriting sessions about my muse. I could tell it took him back too.
"No way. There's no way. Please tell me I'm wrong before I feel like an idiot for getting hype."
"Depends on what you think you're wrong about."
Our staring contest lasted until he mouthed a name that still made me blush. He went full stereo homo and danced like a bomb went off in his ass before collecting himself enough to just lowkey vogue. "Oh my god where's the other half of my otp?"
I giggled when when I heard her laugh from the living room. He ran like he was racing to a sale in heels, poised and determined. I giggled even more when I saw him sitting on her hips and kissing every inch of her face. "Give me some sugar."
"I'll give you some spice if you don't get out of my spot." I kicked him off the couch and sat on Lex's lap.
"So when did this happen? And who all knows?" He settled on the arm chair and folded his hands under his chin.
"She sat beside me on a rock. I was bitchy. She was douchey. I cried. We fell asleep. I woke up. She was gone. Then she came back. I cried again. We made up. She made me eat Starbucks. We cleaned my apartment. Some days passed. Sam called. We went out to eat with her and Dane. We went camping in the wilderness for a few weeks. We were here for thanksgiving, in new york the day after and now we're back here."
"That was a fascinating story. Really. How about we let Alexa have a turn?" He pursed his lips as she chuckled.
"She summed it up."
"Details!" He exclaimed exasperated.
"I was driving. No direction, no destination. I wanted to be as far away from places that reminded me of" she smiled sadly "but I passed a diner on the side of the road. I've never hit the brakes so hard."
"The one we stopped at, like, our first date?" I asked stunned. Truthfully I'd forgotten it. She nodded.
"So this was on your anniversary." Josh said rhetorically.
"I just... swallowed my pride for the both of us and went to her."
"How'd you know where to find her?" He asked like he was watching a movie.
She shrugged. "The beach was where she'd go to clear her head when she couldn't be here in Mass to sit on her roof, so that's where I went." Her hand met mine. "Rekindling was emotionally taxing, but we're making it work."
Josh's lips lifted in a smile. "We have to get the gang back together."
-
"Pick up pick up pick up pick up" my leg bounced in anticipation. There was static, then
"Lynn?"
"Hi Bri."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. What are you up to today?"
"Uh. Justin and I were about to go work out while Alex watches anime."
"Did you want to hang out after?" I asked in a small voice.
"We're at home..."
"Me too."
"That's the point. We're not in new-"
"Oh, no, I'm not at my apartment. I meant I'm at my parent's house."
"What happened? Are you ok?"
"I'm here on my own free will." I laughed. "I promise."
"You seem... sober."
"I am. And happy."
"Ok what the hell? Are you high?" He chuckled. "Drugs are bad Lynn."
"My girlfriend happened and fuck off you know I don't mess with that shit."
"Did you just say... hold on I'm putting you on speaker... guys! Lynn just said she has a girlfriend!" It was muffled so I could tell he'd put his hand over the speaker.
"Bullshit dude." That was Alex. "She's a trainwreck and she doesn't get enough human interaction for that."
"She can probably hear you."
"Thanks Justin. Yes, yes I can." Our touring drummer, though an unofficial member of the band, I considered him to be just as much a brother as my other two pals. He hadn't technically been with us from the start, but he was hired before we took off and in three and a half years we'd never played a show without him. We even branded ourselves, all four of us, with the band's symbol behind our left ear. Traveling the world bonded us in a way unlike all else.
"Sorry Lynn." "You're welcome lil sis. How you holding up? Haven't heard from you in while. It's weird."
I decided to ignore Alex. "Splendid, but I miss my friends. I'm not liking this self exclusion thing. Forgive me?"
"We're always here for you and you'll always be included. I'm tired of the Illuminati anyway. Come make our triangle a square." I could always count on Justin.
"Can I bring two more and make it a hexagon?"
"Sure." Brian laughed. "Is one them your imaginary girlfriend?" The background ooooed. So much for relying on them.
"Cut it out princess. She's very real and she'll whoop your ass if you're mean to me." Apparently I earned some ooooes too.
"Are you sicking me on our friends?" Lex asked amused.
That's when shit got really loud. It was a fucking celebration.
"We're on our way." Brian said. I heard a click and then nothing.
They had to have broken every law pertaining to speeding when they shortened a half hour drive without traffic to less than 10 minutes. They were through the door, down the hallway and tackling us like a football before I could ask them if they'd ever heard of knocking.
Maybe it's because I'd taken to the grinch, but my heart swelled three times it's size that day. Nothing was out to get me but myself and the inexplicable parts of my brain, but as long as I had my beacon I'd be ok.
They were having a Mario Kart tournament while I leaned against love and scrolled down social media. I retweeted whatever the pvris account did and reblogged anything relevant, but I personally was having a dry spell on posting. I was on a roll sorting through my drafts deleting them when one in particular caught my eye.
It's getting hard to know
If I'm on the tracks or off the beaten road
When no truth ever easily shows
So I'll follow you no matter where you go
They were lost lyrics I wrote after we got back together the first time. The first breakup and the first second chance. I studied the solitary blinking cursor. My nose twitched and then I felt the vibrations on my thumbs from my screen as I typed, titling it, then erasing the title and adding another four lines.
And when it's all a blur, you are the hard line
In the disorder, you are the peace sign
And when the riots stir, you are the sound mind
And in the disorder, you are the peace sign
"I'm about to do something dangerous." They were all too preoccupied with their light up xbox controllers to process my voice. My statement didn't even register with Lex who I was literally sitting on. I rolled my eyes, uploaded the text post and refollowed her on twitter, instagram and tumblr. She didn't notice when I fished in her jacket pocket for her phone either. I smirked at my thumb print bypassing the lock screen and refollowed myself on all her accounts. I pressed the lock button but held my finger there, changing my mind. I had an idea of what to tweet from her account.
alexasanroman_ things work out the way they're meant to
"What are you giggling about? Is that my phone? Oh no what'd you do?"
"Game's over? Who won?" I slyly pressed the home button, locked her phone and put it between my jean clad legs.
"Me, duh. Now fork it over trouble maker."
"Nuh uh." I pouted and crossed my arms because she confiscated my fun anyway. Little did I know she was going to have her own. She concentrated before smirking at me and raising her eyebrows in challenge. My phone buzzed, so I checked my notifications and cracked a smile.
alexasanroman_ can you not hack me
lynngvnn @ me bitch @alexasanroman_
alexasanroman_ @lynngvnn look at what you've done the kids are having heart attacks
lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ I warned you but you were too focused on yoshi
alexasanroman_ @lynngvnn I was winning !!
Joshkosh__ @alexasanroman_ @lynngvnn OTPOTPOTP
lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ @joshkosh__ tf is an otpot?
brivnmvc @lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ OTP
alexpvris @lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ OTP
jsnace @lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ OTP
alexasanroman_ all of you are annoying
lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ I second this
samsanroman ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME
lynngvnn @samsanroman come be a masshole bring danish and keep me company your sister is neglecting me
brivnmvc @samsanroman yeah sammy join us
danepetersen_ @lynngvnn @brivnmvc She's actually packing. See you tonight.
danepetersen_ @lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ oh and OTP
samsanroman I'm so excited we're going to have a kiki
alexpvris @samsanroman what's a kike?
jsnsce @alexpvris kiki*
joshkosh__ @alexpvris You've never heard the song let's have a kiki? Step up.
danepetersen_ @alexpvris she told me to inform you that it's a 'friendship gathering'
joethehoe @lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ What is going on? This is a thing again and NOBODY told me?????
rhysinthesky @lynngvnn @alexasanroman_ OTP WHAT THE FUCK
rhysinthesky @joethehoe me neither man I'm so offended
lynngvnn @rhysinthesky @joethehoe Sorry. We love you. You're invited to the party too (for reference check previous tweets)
rhysinthesky @joethehoe @samsanroman @danepetersen_ road trip?
joethehoe @rhysinthesky @samsanroman @danepetersen_ I'll meet you guys wherever
samsanroman @joethehoe @rhysinthesky San Romansion. We leave in 20.
lynngvnn Dear followers,
I apologize for starting a group chat on your timelines.
My phone buzzed with a text from Nate.
N: I'm watching your twitter spree haha. Where are all these hooligans going to sleep?
L: We'll probably pile up at Brian's.
N: In the basement like old times huh?
L: I just got so emo.
N: Bringing you back to your metal days.
L: shut up we do not mention those
L: I don't even know what you're referring too
N: I'm going to print out pictures of you in your og days and put them in a photo album, mass produce them and sell them.
N: Or just start a stanstagram dedicated to you in all your hardcore glory.
L: I will block you.
N: attatchment 📎: 1 picture
#operationguillotine #dontcallmepoppunk #sohardcore #scenekid #butdontcallmesceneeither #shorthairdontcare #bangs #neverwearshoes #rawr #XD
L: YOU GO TO HELL. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE.
N: You know I love you kid
L: Yeah yeah love you too thaniel
-
"So what's up with L, R? You got new tunes or what?" Brian asked and immediately they looked uncomfortable.
"Dane... take this one?" Lex pleaded.
"We don't know." He admitted. "We almost disbanded a few months ago because we aren't Love, Robot anymore. The name is a keepsake for all of us and it's a part of who we are, but I think we're at a place where our sound is evolving and taking on a life of it's own far outside the relm of L, R. So before you freak out, no we aren't quitting music, but that doesn't mean we know what we're doing next."
"Rebrand." Josh suggested. "Find your voice, find your style and find a new name that encompasses those two elements. Start over."
Alexa blinked. "White."
"What?" I asked bemused.
"If your aesthetic is all black, then we're going to be doper and where all white. Just think of the music videos! White guitars, a white drum set, white microphones... mood lighting any color I can program!"
"I dig it." Rhys praised.
"As long as you do laundry, I'm game." Joe kicked his feet up on the coffee table.
"You two'll bridge the contrast. The fans will love it." Sam smiled.
"I say we tour together. We've all taken a creative break and by the time we finish and release another album it'll be around the same time. Our fan bases are and probably always will be a venn diagram. It'd be good for all of us anyway. We knew each other when we were nothing and that's how we stay grounded in this industry. It's a business and that's not our wheelhouse, music is, so I say we make our way how we started. Hustling and playing what makes us feel something." I spilled.
"If we're going to be spending time together again, we should do another collab too. A song baby 2.0. We feed off each other's energy so well and the writing and recording process is always organic. We could introduce it only on tour, like bait. You have to come to a show to hear it." Alexa furthered my plan.
"I vote yes to both." Alex slapped his hands on the table.
"I double that." Brian added.
"I triple it if my vote counts." Justin raised three fingers. He laughed, but I saw his eyes. He was disheartened and then it hit me.
"Official band member meeting." I called and grabbed Alex and Brian by their shirts at the back of their necks when they sat clueless and pulled them up the basement stairs and into the kitchen.
"We need to make Justin an official member of this band. Fuck the label and fuck the public and their idea of us as a three piece. We've dragged him around the world with us and branded him, we call him family, but then debar him and I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize what that must feel like." I ranted.
They both smiled widely. "We were going to talk to you about the same thing before we start recording again. We want him there with us giving us ideas and tracking drums himself." Brian nodded firmly.
"When should we tell him?" Alex looked over his shoulder excited.
"Let me make a call real quick... don't move." I ordered and took a deep breath, composing myself.
They listened to the one sided conversation intently and asked occasional questions like 'what's she saying? what's happening now?' making me do the pacman like silencing hand motion. I smiled triumphantly and ended the call with 'thank you and have a great day.'
They looked at me impatiently.
"I knew we'd get our way." I flipped hair over my shoulder and they cheered without making noise.
We all squeezed onto the chair he sat in alone and threw our arms over his shoulders. "Uh, hey guys, sooooo do I get to vote?" He joked meekly, clearly having no idea what we'd just discussed.
"Duh." I grinned. "All official band members get to vote."
He allowed what I said to sink in and looked at each of us individually. "Seriously?"
"Yeah man. You're officially one of us now." Alex punched his arm.
"Prepare yourself for press, interviews and the seasonal unglamorous award show." Brian chuckled. "It's a field day."
"I made a phone call." I told him with a bashful smile. "I know I didn't exactly ask you, but they're drawing up the paperwork now, so next time we're in new york we can get you signed and then you'll be legally bound to us, if you want of course."
"I'm honored you'd do that for me. I became a touring drummer in the first place because I never found people I clicked with to stay permanently, so I thought I'd be ok with playing when needed, but this job isn't all it cracked up to be. I never had a problem being on the outskirts until you three because your crew started feeling like home, but monachopsis would always return. Everytime I'd be talking about my job, I'd have to remind myself that I can't say 'my band.' It's pvris and then it's me." He admitted awkwardly.
"Pvris is us. It's as much your band as is it ours. We are pvris- me, Alex, Brian and you. I want to apologize for not making that clear until now." I told him.
"That was touching." Joe patted chest where his heart beats. "You got little blue crying."
"My babies!" Sam rushed and laid across all four of us.
"Dog pile!" Joe yelled and did the same. Rhys and Dane took part in suffocating us as well, while Josh and Alexa laughed and tipped the chair, causing us to all topple off and onto the cement floor. The thin carpet did nothing to soften the blow.
The basement door swung open and Brian's dad stomped down the steps, going wide eyes at the ten so called adults. "Hey Mr. B Mac senior." I waved.
"Hey Lyndsey." He humored me and waved back. "What are you kids doing?"
"I dropped a contact. They're helping me look for it."
"Alex." He said like he was talking to a toddler. "You don't wear contacts." Then he shook his head and chuckled. "I was just wondering what all the ruckus was. Don't break anything."
"Hey dad, wait."
"What Bri?"
"Is it alright is they all sleep over?"
"Awww are you having a slumber party? Do you want snacks? I think we have some goldfish and juice upstairs in the food room!"
"Ooo! I'll take some goldfish!" "Me too!" "I'll have some juice!" "Make that two cups!" "We want some too. Make that four cups!" "Five actually!"
He held his hands up and laughed. "Wasn't expecting that reaction. How bout I order you guys some pizza?"
"Fu-frick yeah! But do we still get the goldfish and juice?"
"Thank you for the sensor Lyndsey and yes, if you really want I can bring you goldfish and apple juice."
"We really want."
"Alright then." He laughed again.
"Thanks Ian. You're the real mvp." I smiled.
"Thanks dad!" Brian yelled before the door shut.
"Woah wait a darn minute." Ian reopened the door and spoke walking back down. "I swear I saw- Alexa!"
"Ian!" She yelled back.
"Were any of you trifling knuckle heads going to let me know the otp was otping again? C'mere kid!" They man hugged and then he moved on to Dane, Rhys and Joe. "I've missed seeing you fools around here. Any other news?"
"Justin's an official member from now on." Alex spoke up.
"Yeah, we just inducted him and then we got attacked by our friends and brutally knocked over by my own girlfriend and bestfriend. That's the crash you heard." I explained.
"We'll in that case, get in the car. We're going out to eat. All this calls for a celebration." He pulled his car keys out of his pocket. "We'll take the truck. You can all ride in the bed like dogs."
-
I closed my eyes and stood like a cross with my arms stretched at the back of the truck. I felt familiar arms circle around my waist and heard Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" play through a phone speaker.
"Shhh! I'm about to record!" Sam said sternly.
"Are you going to post it?" Dane asked.
"Babe. Duh. Now hush."
The wind whipped at my clothing and stung my face, but I watched the city lights blurr and I'd never felt more at peace.
Things work out the way they're meant to.