December 2014
I closed my eyes and reveled in the burn, grinding my teeth together when I saw her face behind my shut lids. The guilt crept in and set heavy in my heart. I dropped the butt and crushed it under the heel of my boot, popping a piece of gum into my mouth and flicking the wrapper further down the alleyway. Brian shot me a disapproving look when I waltzed back in to the studio. Alex tossed me a can of axe and I made a show of using it.
"Smell's gone Bri. You can unplug your nose now." I laughed and threw the can back to Alex.
We were in the process of beginning recording for our second record. None of the material was finalized and no dates were set in stone. We probably wouldn't get another chance to work on it for atleast a year, what with our nonstop touring and all. By then I'd probably have an entire new book of shit songs to rewrite and master and what we had now would get replaced, but we focused on what we had now, for now.
I sat on the floor with my back against the couch because of the sheet music and torn lyric pages spread out across the seat cushions like an improvised stand. I picked my guitar up off the carpet where it laid beside me and strummed once, wincing at the sound that greeted me. My hands shook slightly against the bolt as I tuned the high e. I wasn't a nervous tuner, I was just on edge because of the look Brian was giving me. He was an undoubtedly loyal friend but I wasn't his only friend in my game for two. He was quite fond of my girlfriend, everyone was. She's easy to like.
"Who ya texting?" I inquired.
"Alexa." He said casually and smirked when I noticeably stopped fidgeting and glared at him.
"What's up with Lynn's laser eyes?" Alex asked as he stepped out of the booth.
"I pissed her off."
"Why?" He laughed.
"He's snitchin like a bitch." I cut in.
Brian rolled his eyes and looked at me, clear amusement on his face. "I didn't tell her about your nicotine break dollface. I'll let you deal with that when she gets here."
My hand stilled on the strings as I prepared to yell at him. "WH-"
"She was just letting me know that she finished editing chandelier, so I invited her to come chill with us. One, because I want to see the video and two because we aren't in New York for long and we rarely hang out anymore. I figure you should be dying to see her."
I gulped at the accusation laced in his last words. "I am." I defended quietly. "I was planning on calling her as soon as she let me know she was done working. Why'd she text you and not me?" Brian's expression softened as I struggled to keep the hurt out of my question.
"She said she did, but you didn't answer. Have you even checked your phone?" He asked amused again.
"Oh." I blushed at my stupidity as I read through my missed messages. I practically gargled on happiness. She was impossibly sweet and I didn't deserve her.
L: I swear I'm not ignoring you babe!
A: haha I know you aren't. Atleast not purposely.
A: One day you'll learn not to keep your phone on silent and then you'd actually know if someone was attempting to contact you!
L: I know I know. You'd think I'd have learned from the time Josh almost died cutting an orange and I didn't answer so he had to drive himself to the ER but apparently not 😅
A: shut up you did not
L: yup
L: I still feel bad. Not only did he have to get stitches but the front of his car looked like a murder scene.
A: That would explain the very prominent scar now that I think about it.
L: Yeah, hey wait! Why the fuck are you texting me? Alexa Gabrielle so help me god you better not be driving! You could die!
A: calm down casanova I'm in the parking lot
I pushed myself off the floor and reached the glass front door of the studio moments before her. "Hey baby." She smiled that breathless smile accompanied with saying that name I'd always made fun of until the day it fell from her lips. I once scoffed at the cliché pet name, but the first time she directed it at me I melted and every time after has been no different. Curse that name and the fluttering that errupted in my stomach. How can I be badass with crimson tinted cheeks and plato limbs? I didn't trust myself to speak through my love induced subconscious state, so I just completed the puzzle as our lonely lips touched sooner than I knew they'd part. I slid my hand down her arm to link it with her own and tug her forward.
She settled onto a chair in the far corner of the room to observe and for a moment I was reminded of those days when she would visit me in Lowell and crash band practice. That was back when we used to rehearse in Brian's basement. It'd been nearly a year and a half now since we were last there. She watched me through the glass as I put my headphones on and adjusted the mic. I'd spent the better part of the morning tracking vocals for a song I wrote as I went. I'd thought up the first verse in the car on the ride here and just rolled with it, so she would be the fourth person to ever hear it and considering that it was about her, I really hoped she received the message well.
I took a deep breath and bit my lip, sliding off the headphones and looking for her reaction. "What do ya think? It's pretty different from white noise, more generically pop based, but-"
"It's incredible as always. The lyrics are honest and the upbeat is catchy, but it still holds that dark undertone that people admire you for. Besides, I don't think anything you do could be considered generic. You're too weird." She grinned teasingly.
"Thanks stupidass. I'll take that as a compliment."
"It was meant to be one."
We wrapped things up at six on the dot and headed back to Alexa's house to crash L,R band sleepover night. It had been months since we were able to get together, so we decided to hell with the studio. We hadn't really gotten much done and we had the new year ahead booked solid to be productive. It was the first week in December, so we were on the brink of christmas break anyway.
We were spread out around the living room taking suggestions for game ideas. "We should play strip poker." Joe grinned.
Dane and Alexa said no before anyone else had a chance to vote. "I guess we know who's territorial." Rhys laughed.
"Nobody wants to see you naked asshat." Sam sassed Joe. I added input. "And we sure as hell don't want you seeing us naked either."
Joe grumbled as the boys snickered. "What about good ol truth or dare?" Dane asked.
"What are we, twelve?" Joe mocked childishly.
"It's a classic!" Dane defended.
"I'm game." Alex said and Brian nodded. "Me too."
"Me three." I added.
"Me four" "Me five" Alexa and Sam chimed in together.
"Whatever. I'm down too, I guess." Rhys shrugged.
"Cool. So it's settled. Who wants to go first?" Dane looked around.
"If I'm going along with this I might as well have some fun. Lynn, truth or Dare?" Joe's smirk made me second guess my always choose dare philosophy.
"Truth." I said warily.
"How often do you and Al do... the do?"
I narrowed my eyes in attempt to mask my embarrassment as anger, but she knew I was blushing by the laugh I felt rumble in her chest since I was leaning against her.
"Well we only see each other every few weeks soooo"
"But you're admitting that my home girl's definitely tapping that." He grinned wider. "Way to go Al. Gettin some action."
"Way more than you." She smirked as everyone ooooooohed. We laughed as he scowled. "My turn. Joe, truth or dare?"
"Dare." He said confidently.
"Since you love bagging on Sam's hair and making fun of my eyebrow so much I dare you to let us dye part of your hair blue and shave lines into one of those caterpillars above your eyes."
His face hardened as Sam shouted I love you to me and Lex bust out laughing, the other boys joining in when they realized that his ego wouldn't allow him to back out.
"I think you look great man. Very punk rock." Rhys praised as we sat back down in a circle fourty five minutes later.
"Who's next?" Dane smiled.
"Me!" Rhys shouted. "Al, truth or Dare?"
"Uh, I'm gonna go with Dare to avoid further questions about my sex life."
"Nice try. I dare you to tell me about your sex life."
"May I remind you that this is my house and I can kick you out?"
I rolled my eyes when Joe, Alex and Dane started loudly singing my house. Rhys raised his arms, bent and palms forward in surrender. "Fine. I'll think of something else." Joe leaned over and whispered something in Rhys' ear that obviously Alex caught because they all three looked rather sinful. "I dare you" his eyes drifted to me "to make out with Lynn while we keep time. A slow sixty seconds. I expect a pornographic show ladies. This ain't middle school." They seemed satisfied themselves, but I could see the challenge in Joe and Rhys' eyes. They didn't think I had it in me to be sexy.
"You don't have to do this if you aren't comfortable." She said so only I could hear.
I stood up and turned around while taking my hairband out so that my hair was free for her hands and let my bangs hang like they used to when I was teenager, partially covering my face. "If they want a show, I'll give them a show." I directed to thing one and thing two. They motioned for me to continue, so I lifted the bottom of my hoodie up over my head leaving me in my sports bra and sweatpants sitting dangerously low on my hips. I grinned cockily as they gawked at the abs I'd been working out so hard for lately. I wanted a prominently toned stomach, so Brian had become my personal trainer.
I turned back around and straddled Lex, taking one look at the two idiot's as they said go before placing my lips on hers. Muscles tracing outlines and teeth near teeth, her hands disappeared behind my neck, woven into my hair. Brian called time, so we pulled apart, inhaling air to fill our parched lungs. I rested my hands on either side of her head, bracing myself against the couch and looked to my audience. Even from ten feet away I could tell by their flushed faces and dilated pupils exactly where they were going when they excused themselves. I knew Alex and Brian saw me as a sister, or maybe brother would be a more appropriate term for Alex considering he thought I was boy for a month before we were formally introduced and before he would spend the next year making fun of me because of that first impression. I'm not quite sure his way of looking at me would ever change. They had both seen me naked for music videos and I was still nothing more than little boy Lyndsey to them. Dane only had eyes for Sam, while my laidback femininity stirred something in Joe and Rhys.
"Truth or Dare Rhys?" Alexa frowned and protectively wrapped her arms around my middle when they continued to stare even after stroking vegetables in the bathroom.
"I don't want to suffer the same fate as Joe, so truth."
"What was the bet you made about my girl?"
"Traiter!" "You told her about the bet!?" Joe and Rhys directed their frustration at Dane.
"She's my best friend guys. Not that you aren't, but that was back in 2012. I was trying to get on her good side so she'd ease up on me for pursuing her sister." He explained.
"Wait no one ever told her about the bet?" Sam asked.
"Really? So Lynn doesn't know either?" Alex laughed.
"Does everyone know about the bet but me?" Alexa looked expectant and everyone nodded in return.
"What on this earth are you guys talking about?" There was a bet made about me in 2012? What the fuck?
"Ok so we weren't here the night you" he pointed to my band mates and I "arrived. We didn't show up until early the next morning, so we missed your first coming out party. Then we missed the second one when you were on the phone with your mom because we weren't paying attention. Didn't figure out what you two fought about until way after." Rhys looked at me. "So imagine this, all we know is you're a girl, you're hot and you're single because no one bothered to tell us that you were off the man market. You've got a killer voice, your humor is sarcastic and sattire, basically you're really cool. So the two of us are getting in a dick parade, waiting to pass by. We made a bet to see which float you'd hop on." Rhys elucidated.
"Imagine our despair when this bitch, mister steal your girl, runs off with you for the night and brings you back hers." Joe shook his head at Lex and chuckled. "We were crushed."
"But don't worry about us." Rhys told Lex. "She's yours."
"Oh I know." Her fingertips trailed along the waistband of my sweatpants as she kissed the spot on my neck I was sure was my permanent weakness. "But it's always nice to be reminded."
I bit my lip and rested my hand on her leg, using my nail to trace four letters onto her skin exposed by the black shorts she was wearing rising up. I spelled mine. That was typically her word for me, but she was mine just as I was hers. It didn't hold possession or ownership for us, just belonging.
I zoned out while Dane chose truth and was asked about his honest opinion of Sam's smurfness. He'd probably give some poetically romantic answer about her being his bluer sky when the atmosphere outside looked grey or something.
I shifted so I was sitting sideways with my legs strewn across Lex's. "What's on your mind?"
"I named both of your eyes once." I searched through the emerald and gold. "I was just remembering that."
"When?" The gems were suddenly filled with wonder.
"It was um" I coughed awkwardly "after we slept together for the first time." I mumbled to which she smirked like a fuckboy, but her eyes remained gentle. "Looking into your eyes is the last thing I remember before falling asleep. You have the same softness to them now that you did then. It made me think of it."
"What'd you name them?" She smiled now, serene like her eyes and brushed back my bangs, tucking them behind my ear.
I laid my head against her collarbone. "Forever and please don't go."
She kissed the top of my head and froze. "What's up?" I lifted my head and furrowed my eyebrow and a half at her distraught expression. She wasn't looking at me, but past my shoulder. "Babe?" I tried again. "What's wrong?"
When I realized who she was looking at and who was looking at her apologetically, I gulped. She took a shuttery breath and gave me a tight smile, shaking her head. Her eyes were torn and she wrinkled her nose. That's when it clicked. I grabbed some of my hair and sniffed, squeezing my eyes shut after. Smoke. My hair reeked of a very distinct kind of stale smoke. She didn't even bother to ask. I was guilty and we both knew it.
Suddenly her arm wasn't around me anymore and she was leaning in the opposite direction. I reached for her hand and she subtly moved. It wasn't enough to alert the others, but it was enough to alert me and I physically felt sick.
"I have to use the bathroom." I kept my voice even and quickly got up. I all but ran to the bathroom when I was out of my friends line of sight. I didn't bother with the lights as I sank to to the floor in darkness. I probably couldn't have found them through my stinging eyes anyway.
She sat beside me and pulled me so I fit against her side. We sat in silence save for my sniffles and hiccups.
"How long?"
I shook my head against her shoulder.
"Lyndsey. How long?"
"One." I croaked.
"Day? Week?"
I shook my head again.
"A month!?"
I sat up and shook my head again.
"No." She whispered in disbelief.
"I'm sorry."
Lex didn't talk about her first girlfriend. She and her ex were on good terms, but that time in her life would always be painful and it showed in her music. L,R's first full length album can attest to that. What she and her ex had was real, but after two and half years they walked away. Smoking was a sore spot for her because it was ultimately a reason that relationship failed. I guess after times like when a fan had me sign her pack of cigarettes for lack of anything else and I lectured her for five minutes on the health repercussions, Lex thought I'd be different. It was one thing we'd always agreed on. Smoking kills and it would fuck up my voice, the thing I made a living off of. Why would I ever jeopardize damaging my most important instrument? I knew it also had to hurt to learn that I'd been hiding it from her for over a year.
"Why?"
"I don't know. But I'll stop."
"I don't want to be melodramatic about this, but I- you- I could lose you. You're dancing with the devil Lynds."
"We dance with the devil everyday Lex, we're gay as hell."
I smiled when she laughed. "Ok true. But that does not justify you asking for lung cancer." She scolded. I hesitantly put my hand over hers and sighed in relief when she turned hers upward to hold mine.
"I already got cancer." I rested my forehead against hers. "And she's all I'll ever need."
"That was smooth as fuck."
I cracked another smile. "I've been waiting to use that starsign pun for weeks." Then there was a lightbulb over my head like in cartoons and I was groaning.
"What?"
"They're going to think we're fucking right now. They're probably preparing jokes as we speak."
"Let them think it." She kissed under my jaw, then down my neck, stopping at the point of no return for me. She sunk her teeth in and I gasped, her mouth not leaving the sensitive skin. She kissed behind my ear, breathing peppermint into my hair, whispering "now they'll believe it."
"You didn't!" I stood up and looked in the mirror. She did as well, wrapping her arms around me and resting her chin on my shoulder like she did whenever I was trying to get ready. I squinted through the barely lit room, the only light being that which seeped through the cracks in the doorframe. She kissed the discolored circle on my neck and then laid her head against my back so I couldn't see her laugh.
"Did you just give me a hickey on the bathroom floor?"
"That sounds like a country song."
I reached over my shoulder to smack the side of her head.
"What was that for?!"
"For bruising me! Now c'mon. Let's go get teased by our immature friends."
We got up and I took her hand once again making sure that she wasn't going to pull away. Our mood change had been almost unnaturally quick because I knew she was upset and I needed to make sure that we weren't saving a real fight for later. I stopped, so she did too and looked at me questioningly. "We're good right?"
She nodded and waited for me to elaborate sensing that there was more to my question.
"I know I do alot of dumb shit and we can't always be what we want when we're apart, but like this, me smoking, we can still meet in the middle right? Not to like- make some arrangement of when I can or can't and not to agree to disagree cause I'm gonna stop. I swear. I just mean, like, this doesn't change anything does it? Like the way you perceive me? I'm still Lyndsey. I just did a dumb thing for a while, but I'm still me and you're still you, so it's still us right? Me and you against the world?" I ranted.
"You and I."
I took a deep breath. "What?"
She smiled like she did after the first time we kissed, reassuring and calming my anxiety. Also letting me know that I was being stupid for second guessing. She was here and she still wanted me.
"You and I against the world."