“Why is this happening to us?” I asked, staring up at the empty sky. Morning was quickly approaching.
We ran all the way to Secret’s Bluff after escaping from my house. The first thing we did when we arrived was collapse on the ground, holding our sides from laughter and gasping for air.
“Wish I knew,” Becky answered gloomily.
Reality started setting in as we lay there together, one hand was behind my head and the other was latched onto Becky’s.
“We could run away together,” I said, considering this as an option that could possibly keep us together.
“Where would we go? We have absolutely no money and chances are we’d be picked up by the police before we even made it out of town. That would just make the entire situation worse for us. We’d still be separated.”
“What’re we going to do then?”
A few muted moments crept by as we both thought about this. We knew there weren’t many choices. We couldn’t run, and we couldn’t stay, what else was there to do?
“Parents suck.”
“I know right? Speaking of, the sun’s coming up, I’m sure mine will be headed this way before long to drag me back by the hair,” she said, combing the blades of grass out of her thick hair as she sat up.
“And my bitch of a mother will be trailing right behind to lock me away. I swear I think she’s trying to control my lesbianism like it’s a wild animal or something,” I let out a deep laugh, picturing my mom with a whip and lunging at me with a chair, trying to keep me at bay.
The humor wasn’t shared, and I let it quickly die away. Soon we’ll be walking back home, Becky going to hers, and me to mine, where a very irate woman was probably stalking the door awaiting my arrival. I can see her standing on the other side of the peephole, shackles in her hands, rattling them manically and saying, “here Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…” And I’ll knowingly be walking right into her trap.
“I just can’t believe how closed minded they are!” I tried real hard not to cry all night, but I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. “I can’t be without you.”
Standing up and brushing the dirt from my clothes, I take the few steps to the edge of the cliff. Careful not to get too close, but close enough to gaze directly down at the rocky bed below.
“I know, and I can’t stand the thought that you won’t be there when I need you. And I always need you, Lisa. I can’t live without you,” Becky says, as she comes to stand beside me. One of her arms circles my waist, protectively hold me against her body.
“Can’t live without you,” I catch myself mumbling.
Through watery eyes we stared out over the cliff’s edge, listening to the water lap against the rocks. The sun was just now rising. The light was glistening off the water so bright that it looked like the stars themselves decided it was a great morning to take a swim. Diving beneath the waves to shine through the water rather than on top.
So many nights this summer we have sat here, taking in the beautiful sight, huddled together against the chilling wind. Telling each other stories about how it should be, how it could be, not worried about what’s to come. We never once talked about our future. We never once thought there’d be a time like this that could tear us apart. When you’re truly in love, all you see is the one you know you’re supposed to be with. She’s the only one that I see, she’s the only thought I possess, the only name that escapes my lips. She’s everything to me.
Silent sobs were choked out as we held each other tightly. Neither of us caring about the tear tracks running down our faces, or the stains left on the other’s shoulders. Nothing of this world mattered anymore, it was just her and me, and we are each other’s reason for breathing each day. And if we’re taken away from each other, then what else do we have? Absolutely nothing.
This is probably why I wasn’t shocked by the thoughts that came next. Looking out over the water, it all seemed to make sense then. It felt like maybe it was the only option, like maybe this was the way out.
“Let’s make a pact,” I could barely bring my voice above a whisper.
“What kind of pact?” she asked.
“I have less than two days before I’m leaving,” I pulled back a bit and tilted her head till she was looking into my eyes. “And on my last day we’ll meet here and ---“
“Lisa…”
I hesitated, wondering if the idea would sound completely absurd if I voiced it.
“Just say it,” Becky encouraged, as if she could read my thoughts and possibly knew already what I was about to suggest.
“Um, well we can’t be apart, and there’s no way they’ll let us be together, so maybe if we… It’s crazy, but what if we… jump? You know like some kind of… kinda like a suicide pact,” I flinched, waiting for her reaction, would she laugh thinking it was a joke? Or maybe scream at how stupid the idea is to kill yourself over something like this? There was a small part of me that hoped she would agree, without question. And another part of me that she would laugh in my face and then suggest another way out for us, one that included living.
“This way we will be together forever. It’s just a thought really,” I added after it was clear she wasn’t going to give me an answer right away.
I looked over the edge once again, wiping the tears from my eyes. It was a long fall to a bed of sharp rocks. Each one jagged and pointed in different directions. I wonder which one I’d fall on if we could take the leap.
If I can’t be with Becky, then it’ll kill me. And at this suggestion then obviously t’ll kill me if I stay, but at least we will have each other. I can just imagine our souls walking along this cliff, hand in hand. Our broken love story will continue to live on long after we’re gone.
It makes sense to me. But are we capable of jumping?
Becky places her hand in mine. Our fingers intertwine just as they have hundreds of times before. It felt so right, how can I live knowing if I move, I will never feel her like this again. That one thought convinces me, because I can’t live. Not without her.
“When do you think we should?” her whispered question hit my ears and chilled my body just as the wind had throughout the night. This question meant she was considering it.
Our eyes meet, and I see that the tears of the pain we both feel have yet to dry on our cheeks. She reaches over to move a strand of hair from my face, the tenderness of her touch makes me shiver. “Is that a yes?”
“I don’t want to live without you,” she smiles down at me lovingly before answering, “yes, it’s a yes. But when?”
I thought for a moment, I didn’t have much time left. It had to be sometime in the next two days. That didn’t give us a lot of time to say goodbye to everyone, but really who was there to say goodbye to? I figured the best time would be the night that I’m expected to leave.“Just when the sun begins to set, on my last night.”
“What if your mom locks you up again?”
I laugh, but without the humor, “I’m not afraid of her anymore. No matter what, I’ll find a way to get here, ok?”
“OK,” she says before bending down to grace her lips against mine, in a feather light kiss.
We stood there a while longer, wrapped around each other in a comfortable embrace and watching the sun finish its rise to the sky. The bright colors of red, orange, and yellow seemed to layer at first and then bleed together beautifully. The orange glow dimming with each moment that passed. It was such an amazing sight and we were happy to be able to enjoy it together.
Neither of us was looking forward to getting back to our houses, but we knew we couldn’t stay out here forever. As we trekked back up the path, we didn’t feel the need to fill the silence with chatter. We knew what was coming, we knew how we felt, there wasn’t much more to say.
We dropped hands as we entered my yard. I was almost skipping to my front door, with a smile on my face. I knew whatever my mom had in store for me that it wasn’t going to bother me in the least bit. I turned around before going through the front door, to give Becky a small wave, which she returned as she hurried off to her own house, smiling away.
I half expected my mom to be waiting for me behind the door, but she wasn’t. She didn’t seem to be anywhere, in fact. I walked through the dining room to get to the kitchen, grabbing an apple, I made my way to the living room, and still no sign of her. She’s probably in my room waiting, just like the night before.
Running up the stairs, I quickly throw open my door in hopes of startling her. But she wasn’t here either. And everything was exactly how I left it, clothes half hung up, all my items I placed on my vanity last night were still there, even the glass on the floor hadn’t been touched.
I guess I got off easy this morning, but she will probably pounce on me later like a cheetah on a gazelle. I’m excited that I didn’t have to listen to a screaming rant the moment I walked in. So I decided to enjoy this bit of quiet time I’ve been blessed with and. I lean against my dresser, and began eating my apple, taking glances around the room.
Packing or unpacking, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore, looking around at all the half empty boxes. It’s not like I’ll need any of this stuff anymore, not with what I had planned.
Tossing my apple core in the trash bin beside my feet, I walk over to my closet and started yanking the clothes off the hangers. I take my time folding them and then neatly replacing them in the box I took them from. I did the same for my shoes, my CDs and makeup, and everything else in the room that should have been packed up.
After I finished, I sat down at my vanity and picked up my hairbrush, running it through my hair in an attempt to remove some of the tangles before tying it back in a messy bun. I gently set it back down on, and stared at myself in the mirror.
Sitting there, I took no notice of the time that had gone by, I thought about what was to come. The thought of jumping off a cliff does scare me, I won’t lie, but the thought of being so far away from Becky scared me even more. I don’t know how this will affect everyone, I just wish there was some way I could tell them that it’ll all be OK. That they shouldn’t blame themselves. Our love will continue to live on, even if we don’t.
With all these emotions screaming for release, and these words racing through my head, I decide that the best thing to do is write it all down.
I grab my diary from its hidden sanctuary (from inside my pillow case), and I lay down on my bed, uncapping my pen, and I began writing. Hours went by, I haven’t slept since yesterday, barely ate a thing all week, and my stomach was attacking me with growls, but I knew I couldn’t stop. Not yet, not until I had it all out in the open, until it was all written for all to read.
Poems flowed from my hand, heartache soared from my heart, laughter tumbled from my smiles, and tears were pouring from my eyes. But it all had to be said.