Special thanks to blindedbyheadlights JulieWoods0 Kaneki_coffee (seriously you were such a great help)
Forewarning: the writing is a tad bit weird. Plus it is unedited. It was rotting in my drafts so I decided to finish it. Enjoy! The fluff game is weak too tbh.
Unedited
Word limit: 4200+ ish
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Ensemble- together
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"But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning."
-Haruki Murakami
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You stepped inside the dingy apartment. An eerie blue of the evening blushed the entire furniture. The minimal décor and a light oil painting managed to catch your eye. Ceramic pots of wilted lilies were shoved into a square of the windowsill, apparently the only visible indication of life besides you. The room was symphonized to create a serene ambience. Yet, the tempest inside your congested lane of a mind was amplified by the quietude.
You took a deep breath, willed your nervous energy to dilute itself and squared your shoulders only to let them descend deep into their sockets. Dragging your boot clad feet towards the sofa, you let yourself fall into it, winching as the cold leather bit into your skin through your khaki shorts.
You let your eyes wander here and there, forcing the appearance of the place into your subconscience. You sat there in silence for a while, watching as inky patches slowly started to dominate the edges of the sunset and pearly white stars disclosed themselves.
The table seemed like a haphazard work of half-eaten boxes of Chinese food, nearly covered by a flood of college notes and crumpled tissues. A breech in decorum.
"You know, tea helps," came a chilly voice, a timbre which you should've been used to hearing but everytime it cascaded to your proximity, you'd be left breathless. How did he enter? Maybe you had been so lost in reverie that the sound of his entrance didn't faze your trance. But then you looked at the turquoise porcelain bowl in front of you. It only had one key, a key to your apartment. The spare one was...
"Hey, idiot. What if I want to drop by and you aren't home?"
"Just take this spare key, Levi."
You glanced at him with a confused face and caught the fall of his obsidian locks over his eyes as he unwrapped a pack of teabags. You smiled briefly as the corners of his eyes crumpled into a stare which was directed particularly at the black fibres of tea.
"Cheap," he remarked.
Taking another breath, you dropped your hands from the armrest and decided to ignore his comment. You had a queer friendship with him, albeit volatile.
"Helps what?" you questioned. He exited the kitchen and came into your view with two cups of tea. Levi was dressed very casually. One dab of a white shirt here and another dab of blue jeans there. Nothing unusual, nothing exciting. Which meant he was just here for small talk. You took your cup from him. The tea steadily turned darker in a matter of seconds with every gentle dip of the teabag.
Levi didn't answer. The lack of statements brought back sheets of memories from high school where both of you only acknowledged each other's presence but failed to say anything about it. Silence was a barrister between you two. Maybe it seemed like a barricade only to you as Levi always cherished it.
Levi's gaze was transfixed on the empty vials of alcohol. His porcelain fingertips held the rim of the chinaware. "Are you okay?" he asked gently, a contrast to the tautness of his jaw. He was resisting the urge to scold you, shake your shoulders, make you give up that unyielding attitude. He saw it. For the first time, how flawed, how human you really were.
"I...," your throat felt as if someone had shoved cotton-balls down it.He knew. He knows.
You wanted to laugh. Laugh until rivulets of tears stream down your cheeks unfalteringly and till there is no streak of asymmetry between sorrow and happiness.
Why was he even here? After so many months? What memory of the past was so strong that he had to visit you? His studies should've kept him busy. Busy enough to forget the broken girl who used to live for him, his aberrant smiles and his uniqueness. But people failed you, and there was no remedy for a conundrum like that. And then there came regret, hard and strong enough to make your heart blast into modicums. Regretting your decision to let him, or anybody into your life.
"How is life going for you? Your literature college and all," you asked as you took a subtle sip from your cup. Bitter. The tea was bitter, just how Levi liked it.
"That shit? I try," he answered. You knew he was lying. He had accomplished so much at such a young age. His prose was ethereal as clouds and yet it didn't lack any ounce of brilliance. Ah, those pretty words.
"Oh."
"How are things going for you? Seems a bit lonely in here, don't you think?" he asked and shifted towards you to see more of you than just your angles. He knew he'd struck a string, one which reverberated a painful tone. It brought him grief, how everything fell together for him while everything of yours fell apart. He was the one to understand pain, understand solitude but he was not the one to let its nuisances get the better of him.
"Yes, it does," you replied with a bite into your lip. Speaking truth always had an effect on you, you felt like sobbing. It shouldn't have been like this. This was supposed to be normal talk. Somehow, the silence bled through the doors, itching on your skin, waiting to be recognized, commanding you to despise it, loathe it and give in to its chagrin. Such a vile creature silence was, it made you claw your ears and divulge into a delirium.
You were lonely, so lonely. You just wished that you'd get used to this feeling but solitude is like acid, it is corroding. One does not get used to it, it pushes people to their limits, tests your patience and grows astringent with every tick of the clock.
"You should've come to me, (Name)." His words seemed comforting, trying to wash away your insecurity. You should've said said 'yes' but words remained unplucked from your tongue and you were doused in what was called silence. Funny how it bent you to its ways.
You could still remember the mockery of people, how they humiliated you, insulted you for your lack of companionships, how your parents neglected your turbulent emotional state. And now that you looked around, you could see yourself driven by your own past. There were no people to make you insecure now but yourself. There was no burying of past, there was only a choice: ignore it or be affected by it. And by judging your state, you chose to be affected by it. Such a cancerous effect the choice had, plaguing your mind everyday. But the voidness was better than the sarcastic, derisive edge.
"I don't know, Levi. Maybe you had been so busy, that's why," you put no thought into the comment. Busy. Of course, he had been busy. He had a career to make. There is always a funny thing about priorities, only inanimate objects manage to reach that list. Friendship is a priority but in very extraordinary conditions. He'd been shackled and whenever he moved towards you, he'd be reminded of the tension in those chains, he'd be reminded of....the more important things which stood atop his ground. Your friendship with him was flawed from the start, a juxtaposition of an unwanted girl and a much desired boy.
You couldn't block this feeling out- the cold, overbearing reality of this moment.
"And I'm sorry about it," he apologized. You gathered courage to look at him and reminded yourself that pretty words are deceiving and he could deceive you, just like everybody else. But somehow, the argent eyes of his held an emotion of worry. At that moment, he just seemed like an isolated source of comfort for your greedy self. You wanted him, there was no doubt about it, but he just appeared like another human being pushing himself into your life and then pulling away.
"You misjudge me, a lot." There came another statement by him. The tea grew cold and you set it on the table. You pulled your knees together towards your chest and hid your upset face behind them.
"Did I ever do that?" you spoke, feigning curiosity. His built figure was blurred by the tears which were starting to threaten your eyes.
No sentence of yours swayed Levi, he was determined to take you with him.
"I fucking care about you, don't ever doubt it, you idiot," he scolded. You felt guilt needling your insides. He cared. People still do that? It seemed like a concept fit only for stories which began with 'once upon a time' and ended with 'they lived happily ever after'. Even if he cared, it would be for how much time?
A muscle flickered in his cheek as he kept waiting for your response. He'd been exhausted, tired of the way you treated yourself. Tired when you tried to be a contortionist in front of societal expectations. However, there is always a limit to bearing strains, bending and crouching to fit into the confined mindset of judgmental people. You were going to break your spine one day.
He couldn't find any pretty sentence to bind your shattered form, brush the bruises in your mentality, there was no metaphor left for him to string along and make you feel better. It was amusing how you never believed words but rather actions as if words had lost your trust a lengthy time ago.
You gulped and shifted to face him a bit more, your eyes moving in a slow tempo just like your breaths. Now that your muscles made a movement, you realized how much extinguished you had been feeling. Your head throbbed with pain, there seemed a fire in your forehead. Your stomach burned with nausea, seizing hold of your aching attention. "I think I'm going to be sick."
He saw you though, through that unkempt sheaf of paper emotions.
"Don't think anything right now. Stop weighing yourself down, you brat. Just fucking rest. Come to my place before I drag your stupid ass there."
You looked at him.
Seeing your face, the exact emotion of confusion, just likethat night when you walked by his side with curled fingers inside the pocket of your coat. Levi kept his hands out, in case you ever wanted to hold hands. He was romantic that way. It killed him, skinned him to see you like this but he couldn't say anything, his tongue was tied. He could slip and hurt you even more. He decided to not speak but he didn't know that his silence would have such an adverse effect. However, he leaned in that night with your cheeks cupped in his hands, chest heaving and finally he met his half-opened mouth with your half-closed one. And at that moment, the glare of streetlights, honk of cars, curses of pedestrians, mocking of high-schoolers, the chilly air, the burning stars, the tousling wind, the dominating skyscrapers- any of it didn't matter as all what was left consisted of a sensation of pure bliss.
But the audacity of his movement had rushed to your toes which made you pull away and run. Your very expression that night was burnt into his mind- perplexity. And he was left behind with cold hands, out of his warm pockets while you kept running ahead. That night.
He wanted you to know that someone, he , was brave enough to stand by your side, help you, and arrange the messy bits of emotions you called life.
You were the only person left in his life and he wouldn't allow you serrate your mind and tag yourself as 'too broken for anyone'.
You took in his appearance as one can never ignore the knock of curiosity so you responded to that knock, you opened the doors of your mentality and willed your inquiring conscious mind to take just one full look at him. The same hollow ashy eyes socketed in narrow slits. His expression was unwavering, placid and calm. Stygian tresses like jagged ribbons hung from his temples and settled in the far corner of his eyes where insomnia had managed to claw its way into his skin by boring deep circles. Nevertheless, he looked entrancing. The kind of entrance which corresponds with nebulous and dismal, these always had a murky appeal in them. Levi's skin was not as pale as it used to be, perhaps he had been getting some sunlight in the college campus.
"Levi," you choked on a sob while your voice scratched against your sentences, "I think you need to go." There was always an intriguing attribute about glass dolls. They are substantial things, one which a person can feel but glass had no soul, such materialistic transparent thing. But glass, oh glass, always looks more beautiful when shattered to fragments. Maybe, that's why writers found it more tempting to write about broken people- more words to use, more words to abuse. Wasn't it like that? Was that the reason why the talented Levi was here- to scrawl you into one of those silly pages of his black notebook?
You wanted to slap yourself right on spot. He was right, you misjudge him a lot.
"As if," he said in his usual monotone voice as he touched your cheek, grazing his thumb over and over it as if memorizing its curvature. You bit your lip, all of this, every single bit of the current moment felt real. Levi's actions were making you feel an emotion so strong that every other feeling in your body seemed subsided.
You subconsciously leaned towards the warmth of his hand. The sofa creaked as you shifted; your arms rested upon Levi's broad shoulders and you could almost hear the hitch of his breath in response to your hastened stirring. But it didn't matter, not at all. Levi was almost happy that you couldn't see him because his face was a complete a mixture of astonishment and satisfaction. You didn't know why you hugged him; you were almost uncontrollable at that juncture of time. Control required stability but at that moment, you didn't have any.
Levi wasn't ignorant to not hug back. In a flash four limbs tangled together, his arms were tight around your lungs, his whole world was shaking beneath the tips of his fingers but he held on. Held on to you as he always did but this time he was sure not to let you dart away from him.
The girl pressed against him started to break, leaving crumbs of sentiment on the fabric of his shirt. He didn't mind though, the salty residue. But he certainly did mind the 'why' and 'how' which started to leave the premise of your mouth. He was mentally poised to smack you and tell you to stop saying 'I'm sorry' when the only folly you committed was letting the world be the cause of your tears. The world was shitty, according to him, and all a person had in this world was a choice. A choice to either stay away from that shit or let the shit smear on your face. The former one always proved to be more beneficial.
Laugh. This was his first instinct and his last coherent thought before he let let his lungs stir the air inside them. It was not a full laugh of glee but rather puffs of breaths escaping his mouth. Empathy felt strange flowing through his arteries with sudden jerks as he edged you closer.
You were no stanger to the queer way he laughed. And when he did laugh you didn't know what thought crossed your mind but you began laughing as well. You tugged on his shirt as an attempt to control yourself but the unrelenting frustration and the boiling emotions inside you needed a release even though the escape hatch of those emotions was unexpected.
Levi's airy breaths disarrayed your hair while your breaths heated the white fabric of his shirt across his chest. "Why a-are you laughing?" you asked.
"Why are you laughing?" he asked as he put his hands on your shoulders and pushed you a little. He cast a view on your face. You were smiling. Even though it was just a little curve along the edges of your lips. But it was something. You rolled your eyes and tried to calm your furiously beating heart.
The silence returned again which made the trivial sounds near your household seem superior-- the dripping of the faucet, barking of the dogs outside your apartment, squeak of tires against the streets and the ringing of your neighbor's telephone. But those were not important and they soon lost their power while the fear of silence began clawing you again. "H-Hey Levi? Can you do me a...favour? If it is not much to ask.."
"Sure," Levi answered with even breaths.
"Can you..talk..just for some time before you...go?" you asked, feeling your heart go tip-a-tap again and again. You knew it was a strange request to make and he'd probably not understand the reason behind such a request. Feelings had always been neglected in the household you lived in and the company you had in high school turned out to be extremely toxic. It took you some time to realize that your friends weren't really what they seemed to be; they wanted to mold you into some other being. Those poisonous beings with tongues like razors and words like knife were just another addition to the people who stared at you, frolicked around you, rained over you, sized you up and down. They peeled away pieces of you and left behind a fragmented, forlorn girl who couldn't even understand herself.
"You brat, what do you want to talk about?" he asked, raising his thin eyebrows. He knew you, he'd experienced the same things as you but the only difference was that he had learnt to built what were known as walls. But he also knew that if someone wanted, needed to isolate themselves then they had to be strong and brave enough to live inside those barricades they built. You were not one of those people; you were still withering behind the walls. Levi drew a breath and ran a hand over his hair.
"A-Anything..really. Have you finished the book you were writing?" you asked and settled yourself against him, shoulder to shoulder. You felt your cheeks singe in embarrassment as you saw the tear marks blemishing his shirt.
Levi was cautious to not say anything that might scare you and make you more detached to him. He thought and answered, "I haven't but I think I will. Lost my motivation lately." You nodded slightly and were about to reply but Levi continued, "It seems I've lost my muse." He looked at you with a face devoid of any expression. It was amusing and slightly irritating how he could conceal emotions so dexterously when you couldn't even live a second without feeling as if you were going to cry any moment.
"Muse.....huh," you thought and lowered your head, letting your hair cover your reddened cheeks.
Time flew by and so did the quantity of mundane topics to be discussed. Levi didn't bring forth any mention of your breakdown which you had earlier, much to your glee but he did certainly toss a few hints of living alone. He said that he'd been sick of doing the housework and was looking for a roommate to share his apartment with. The much positive side being that he'd not have to pay the full rent and feel the sharp jabs of the bills. You could've laughed that very moment but held on to your sanity. You knew how much he liked cleaning and doing housework and he'd not let anyone clean on his behalf. The effort he was putting in to hint moving in with him was not as inconspicuous as he had thought it would be. From time to time, Levi would pocket a few sly comments about how unsanitary your apartment was and how oblivious you were being pertaining to your surroundings.
Levi's motive was not to push you but he would be damned if he exited your apartment empty handed. How could he forget the time when you stayed by his side after his uncle had practically kicked him out. He was just a tethered teenager that time, seeking reconciliation, stumbling from this road to that until you came along. He even had your fragrance tucked under the cushions of his memories--a tinge of cinnamon, fragrant tea leaves and tempered chocolate. He could never forget the reflection of your radiant eyes against his own blank ones, it was impossible for him to incinerate those memories.
The sky had sheathed itself with a sole hue of obsidian while the moon kept shying away and disappearing behind the dark clouds. Wind splattered itself against your wooden-framed window.
"Levi, listen..I-"
"(Name), I know what you are thinking and I'll not play around, just let me take care of you," he said tersely with cusps of glare. Your heart must've stopped altogether because you were suddenly clenching your fist over your chest. Levi's tone told you that he'd not let you run away, not this time. A choking warmth settled on your shoulders.
"Take care..of me," you repeated subconsciously while the words kept tossing around the corners of your brain as if convincing every single part to give in. "I don't know."
"Ah it seems like that only. A bratty child-"
"Hey!"
"Whatever. All I'm saying is, I won't neglect you. I am shitty with words, (Name)," he replied. "And if you're not coming with me, then I'm not shifting my ass from here." He gave you one pointed look and it made you freeze. You didn't know how to reply. At this moment, you wanted him to just forcefully pull a note out of your throat. The thought of living with him...after you left him..made you ashamed of yourself.
Your head lowered more and your shoulders rose and fell with a shrug. "I don't know, Levi. What is even happening? When did my life become this?" You gestured at the mishap on your table.
"It's never too late," he answered and took your hand, his warmth against your coldness. "Stop making me say sappy things."
You laughed a bit. "I'm sorry, Levi, I really am. You just wanted to help and...I just kept pushing you away."
"I still want to help." Levi edged closer to you. Your palms became clammy with sweat. Levi was leaning forward, trapping you in place. It strangely felt déjà vu- almost akin to the moment a few months ago when you had walked beside Levi. Oh that night. Acesspool of confusion. Feeling an intoxicating stare against you, you snapped out of your thoughts. Levi was close, too close. You could hear his breathing- an equalized in and out of the air. Compared to him, your breathing was jagged like tree branches- some short and some painfully elongated. You raised your hand, a movement which caused the raven-haired man to cease his actions. You cupped his cheek, the skin extremely smooth under your fingertips. A sigh of relief was received by you from Levi, he almost thought you were going to slap him or worse, push him away. You tilted your head and felt his lips hover over yours. Levi's gaze did not waver a speck; he kept his eyes on you and this subtle inkling made your eyes transfixed on his stormy ones. Levi dipped his head forward. The kiss was a simple notion of affection, a reminder of the remnants of an unselfish friendship, a new start of a relationship.
Levi pulled away and you pursed your lips together, warmth still lingering. He smiled, which was very rare but a stern look was still painted on his face. "Now," he said and pulled off your figure, "are we going or not, brat?" He offered you a hand to pull yourself up the couch.
"B-but won't you be uncomfortable?" you asked. He would be irked having you around but that was just his true nature. You were still making up your mind. Would it be a..mistake or a shot worth trying? The world might be a little overwhelming and people might betray you again and again. But Levi, you knew him. Once he sets his mind on something, nothing can stop him. And that emotionless face was layered with confidence. "I mean, won't it be-"
"Why would I be uncomfortable? After all, you'll be sleeping on the couch."
You laughed.
"How it felt to have the world moving beneath me, a hand gripping mine, knowing if I fell, at least I wouldn't do it alone."
-Sarah Dessen