When I got home I went straight to my room and put my pajamas on and got into bed. It's only 6:30. I spent my Saturday night well. Ugh I hate myself. Why must I make everything awkward?
I try to stop thinking about it and turn on my favorite movie A Walk to Remember. Its the cutest but saddest movie ever. I always cry before anything really happens. This movie never gets old. About twenty minutes into the movie I cannot stop thinking about Harry. Today was so fun. Even the time when we were just in the car and I was showing him around. And the beach that was the best part.
I'm not entirely sure why I pulled away from him. Well yes I am , he was looking at me , studying me actually and all my insecurities took over. I felt uncomfortable with him looking at me like that , he would notice how fat and ugly I am. This bothers me so much! What would have happened if I wouldn't have been so dumb? Leave it to my worthless self to mess everything up.
*******
The next morning I wake up and see black stuff smeared across my pillow. Oh yeah that's right I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm so sensitive , but I hate myself for screwing up with Harry. Tomorrow is going to be so awkward.
I get out of the bed and go straight to take a shower , I didn't even take one last night when I got home. As soon as I get into the bathroom I shut and lock the door behind me. I start to observe myself in the mirror. I don't like my nose it's too wide when I smile. I don't like my smile either my teeth are to small. I've had braces but I'm still not pleased with the outcome. I start to raise the T-shirt I slept in last night and look at my stomach. It's not perfectly flat. I pinch the extra skin. It needs to be flat. My hip bones only poke out a little but I wish they would poke out a lot more. My torso is so small and my legs so long. I hate the way my body is shaped. My friends say I have nice hips and guys say I have a nice ass , but I would rather have a pretty face than a nice ass. I also wish I had a thigh gap but I don't. They say thigh gaps have to do with how wide your hips to are determine if you should have a thigh gap or not but I want one regardless. I raise my hands to my face. My fingers are so long and lanky. I wish I had smaller , cuter , more feminine hands. I can't stand to look at myself anymore. I turn the shower water on hot , and turn away from the mirror so I won't have to face myself and start undressing.
*******
All day I have done nothing really. I've gone on Tumblr , Twitter , and Instagram occasionally and watched TV. Just the usual. All I've eaten today was a bowl of cereal and I slice of veggie pizza. I'm hungry now but I refuse to eat anything else. The weekend went by too fast.
Now I'm laying in bed again thinking about Harry. What am I gonna say to him tomorrow ? Maybe I could just stick to the " I was cold " plan. Or maybe I could just tell him the truth. But if I told him the truth he wouldn't understand. I guess I'm sticking to being cold.
********
Ugh , Monday morning , worst part of the week. And I get to spend this Monday morning with Harry.
When I get to class Harry is already there and he is in the desk next to mine. If he asks about Saturday I'm just going to stick to being cold , hopefully he wont ask. If he doesn't ask then I won't say anything. I walk over to the desk and he smiles at me. Damn he is so attractive.
" Hey. " I say trying to act like nothing ever happened.
"Hey Peyton , Mr. Bluehill told me we get to work on the papers until Wednesday in class, so I just came to sit over with you. " he says.
Great , I think. " Okay , Harry that's fine. " I smile.
" Are you okay? " he asks. My stomach drops.
" Yeah , why wouldn't I be? " I answer as calmly as I can.
" Im not sure , you were just acting a little weird Saturday. " I was afraid he would say this.
" Oh I'm sorry , I didn't realize. " I say nonchalantly. I wish I could just open up to him.
"Oh no your fine. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. " he replies a bit embarrassed.
Neither one of us say anything. I really don't want to work on this paper today. " So I think I'm gonna go look at cars today. " He breaks the silence.
"That's cool, what are you looking for? " I say casually.
" I think I just wanna look for something basic for right now. " He answers.
" Well what car so you eventually want to get ? " I ask.
" I've always been interested in Range Rovers so probably one of those. " he says. Ew Range Rovers are the ugliest cars why would he want one of those?
" Oh, those are nice! " I lie. This conversation is boring. We could actually be laughing and talking about something fun.
" Yep. So do you wanna work on this paper now or later? You could come over my place today if you want to. " He says.
"Thank you Jesus!" I think. Maybe he doesn't hate me if he is inviting me over.
" Yeah , I would love to come over. " I answer happily.
" Okay , then you can help me look at cars. " he smiles.
" Oh yeah , that should be fun. " I say.
For the remainder of class we just continue on with a causal boring conversation about school and classes and what not. I prefer it more than working on the paper honestly though.
*******
Finally it's lunch time. I go sit at my normal table and wait for my friends to arrive. They are normally about two minutes after me. I hate sitting here alone for that two minutes. It feels more like ten to me. If you sit here and eat alone then it's awkward , but if you just look around its awkward too. I usually just play around on my phone or act like I'm adjusting my clothes or hair.
" Hey! " my friend Kaitlin says sitting down across from me.
Kaitlin moved here two years ago and I was her first friend. We have been best friends since middle school. But now she is on the cheerleading team and is super popular and sometimes acts like she doesn't have the time for the rest of us that were here for her when she was new. Surprisingly she still eats lunch with us. Well she is supposed to. Most days she comes up with an excuse to go to the cheerleaders table. It's really starting to get on my nerves.
" Hi! " I say. " How has your day been? "
" Oh my god it's been so good! " Did I mention Kaitlin loves to talk and doesn't shut up?
" What happened? " I ask.
"Well today in science Jacob kept taking my phone and taking dumb pictures of himself , and I kept whining and telling him to stop but of course I really didn't want him to! Omg you should see some of the pictures he took they are so cute! He is adorable! " she says. Jacob is her crush. " When I would tell him to give me my phone back he would say no so I would lean over him and reach for it since he held it up in the air and he wrapped his big sexy hand around my waist and held me down! I kept trying to grab my phone because I honestly didn't want him to let go of me he is so strong! " she squealed.
" Wow. Yeah Jacob is cute but I don't really now much about him. You must..." I get cut off.
" I do! I can't believe it took me this long to realize I liked him! And Oh my God! Guess what I heard in second period!? " she says to fast.
" Wha..." I get cut off again.
" Hey guys sorry I'm late , I had to talk to my teacher about this grade she gave me. I can't stand her. " Rachael comes to the table.
" Hi. " me and Kaitlin reply.
" So what did I miss ? " Rachael asks.
" Kaitlin was just about to tell me what she heard in second period. " I answer her.
" Ohh gossip. " she replies. I'm not sure if that was sarcastic or not.
" So like I was saying " Kaitlin chimes in. " I heard that Sophie went home with Dylan after the party Saturday and they had a little party of there own. And you know Sophie has been dating Max since middle school!
" Seriously? " is all I can get out. I'm surprised that happened but I'm not really interested.
" Yeah. I wonder how Max feels. Poor him. I heard heard he was acting like he didn't care but he really does. " she says.
" Oh yeah poor him , he is really sweet ,she shouldn't have done that. " Rachael says.
" I know right. Whore. Well um I just remembered Kylie wanted me to come over to her table. Erm Coach changed something and she wanted to inform me about it." Kaitlin says as she gets up and heads to the cheer table.
" And there she goes. " I say.
" Whatever. " Rachael says.
" I didn't even know there was a party on Saturday. " I say.
"Oh. " Rachael responds.
" Wait. You knew ? " I say a bit confused.
" Yeah. " she shrugs.
" Did you go? " I ask not really wanting to hear the answer.
"Um yeah. " she says.
Great why didn't she tell me. Maybe I wouldn't have had to dread my day with Harry and actually have fun. "With who? " I ask.
" Kaitlin. " Oh so both my friends went to a party with out me and didn't tell me anything about it.
" Oh cool. Was it fun? " I ask , trying to act like I don't care when I'm actually a little hurt.
" Yeah I've been to better though. " she said. I guess she was trying be nice and tell me that the party was bad so she won't feel guilty about not informing me.
" What did you do Saturday? " she asks.
" Oh nothing much I just hung around the house caught up on some homework. " I lie. I don't want to tell her about Harry. Speaking of Harry , where is he? I hope he isn't alone. I start looking around the cafeteria searching for him.
" That's good. " I think i hear Rachael say. " Peyton!...Peyton! What are you looking for! " I actually hear her say that this time.
"Oh! Sorry! No one! " I answer , my eyes still wondering.
" So your looking for someone not something. " she says.
" What? " I say trying to confuse her. Then I see him. Eating a bag of chips alone. In a corner. I have to get him. He can't eat alone like that in that corner!
"You heard m..." She says then her eyes lock on him too.
" You ignored me to look at a loser? She asks. I'm offended.
" He is not a loser! " I argue.
" Pey , he is eating alone in a corner , because he has no friends. At least other losers have the decency to just not eat at all and go int the library or something so they won't embarrass themselves , like that moron. " she says making me mad.
" He is not a moron nor a loser. He is a sweet guy and maybe he is braver than all the other "losers". " I pout now looking straight at her.
" You know him? " is all Rachael says with a disgusted look.
" He is new I've talked to him before. " I say. I'm not completely lying , but I'm not going to tell her that I hung out with him before yet.
" Oh. Nice. " she says. Her flat sarcastic tone is bugging the hell out of me.
" Do you have a problem with that? " I ask with a bit of sass.
" No , you can talk to whoever you want but I wouldn't want to be caught with a loser like that. " she says nastily.
" You know what? I don't mind being caught with a loser like that. " I say as a get up from the table.
" Peyton what are you doing? " she asks with a confused expression across her face.
"I'm going to go enjoy my lunch with a moron! " I say happily.
" Whatever Peyton! Your taking this to far! But I don't care! I'm going to go to the cheerleaders table anyway! I became friends with a lot of them Saturday! The party was actually great , I'm sorry you had to miss it. " she bitches.
" Oh no it's really fine Rachael. I had a better time on Saturday than you actually think. " I reply. It isn't entirely a lie I did have fun some of Saturday. She is annoyed I can tell. I honestly don't give two shits right now how she feels she was just being an ass and talking about Harry. She doesn't know anything about him. I hear her say something in the distance but I can't make it out because I'm already half way to where Harry is sitting.
••••••••••••••
( Thank you if you read my story! I hope you like it so far! It may be a but boring right now but I promise it will all be worth it later on. Not many people read my story but if you do please vote for it! I would love for my story to get more recognized and have more people read it! It means a lot to me! Thank you again ! <3 )