Camila was just getting ready for her show the next day when her phone buzzed. She smiled when Lauren's name popped up.
L: CAMILA!
C: LAUREN!
L: ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT THIS SECOND?
C: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?
L: THERE'S A BIRD IN OUR APARTMENT!
C: OH MY GOD LAUREN, GET RID OF IT! D:
L: I CAN'T CATCH IT, I DON'T LIKE BIRDS...
C: OKAY, stay in a different room or something Lolo, and don't let B eat it! I'm about to go on.
L: :( GOOD LUCK. HURRY.
C: aww :D I'LL BE HOME SOON
Camila didn't know what to expect as she trudged up the stairs in the apartment building. What if it was a fucking vulture? There could be a vulture in her apartment. Bald eagle. Chicken. Toucan. Goddamned emu. Lauren had not been specific enough. She squinted when she caught sight of two figures sitting in the hallway as she came out of the stairs. Lauren and Barnaby.
"Lauren! How long have you been out here?"
Lauren scrambled up and looked sheepish. "A few hours." She mumbled. "The bird was making me really nervous."
Camila looked at the door apprehensively. "So, what kind of bird is it? Because I was picturing geese and seagulls and..." God, what was the plural of albatross? Albatri?
Lauren just stared at her and Camila shook her head to clear her thoughts. Not the time for that, Camila. Focus. She set her shoulders and put her hand on the knob. "You coming?"
Lauren swallowed and nodded slightly, one hand clinging tightly to the back of Camila's coat, the other gripping Barnaby's leash. Camila couldn't blame her; Barnaby would most likely want to catch and 'play with,' or 'accidentally kill' any live thing that might be in their apartment.
Camila opened the door, stepped inside, and was dive-bombed by a pigeon. She shrieked and rushed through the apartment to the main bathroom, dragging Lauren and the dog along behind her. Lauren was holding her nose and blowing air out her ears as they locked the door behind them. "Camzi! That was-that was like sonar. Like-like a bat. I think you damaged my ears."
Camila tried to calm her racing heart. Barnaby looked overjoyed at all this damn excitement. "I'm sorry." Camila breathed out. She was much more focused on the wild fucking animal in her apartment than Lauren's temporary hearing loss. Crap. Crap. Crap. What to do. Camila whipped out her phone to call Harry, who didn't answer, of course. She sighed and dialed Dinah, yeah, oh God, as Lauren watched.
"Cabello, you ask her out yet?"
"Shut up Dinah!" Camila hissed, glancing at Lauren, who was rubbing absentmindedly at her ears. Barnaby had gotten in the bathtub.
"Geez, what's up your ass?"
"There's a feral pigeon flying around our apartment."
There was silence for a moment, then Dinah burst out laughing.
"Leave a window open?" Dinah choked out.
Camila looked pointedly at Lauren. "Obviously someone must have left a window open." Lauren flushed and stopped messing with her ears. "Come catch it for us."
Dinah stopped laughing. "What am I, some avian expert to you? I'm not a freaking bird-catching zookeeper Cabello. Do it yourself."
Camila sighed. "Dinah-"
"Oh, and get it on video please." Dinah interrupted, before laughing again and hanging up.
Camila and Lauren sat in silence for a minute; there was no sign that the bird was even out there anymore. Of course, that's what he wants you to think, Camila. He's really hiding in your bed, ready to fly into your hair and peck your eyes out when you least expect it.
Camila stepped up to Lauren and put both her hands over the other woman's ears. "Okay?" she asked.
Lauren nodded and ducked her head. "Yeah, um, just...ringing a little."
Camila chuckled. "My voice can reach supernatural pitches. I mean, really, it's just ungodly." She stepped away from Lauren as the taller woman smiled, and then stuck her head out into the hallway. Camila channeled her inner ninja, or Jackie Chan, or really any particularly agile Asian, and opened the closet door, stepping fully into the hallway to pull out a broom and a Swiffer Sweeper that she had never used in her life. She gave the broom to Lauren.
"Okay, I'm going to send B out there first. He'll scare the bird, or, you know, move it, so we know where it is. Then, we rush it with the brooms and make it go back out the window."
After it shits all over our furniture.
Well, this was a wonderful plan. Completely flawless.
Lauren nodded skeptically. Camila grabbed a sock from the closet, made it into a ball, and tossed it out into the living area. Barnaby bounded out of the bathtub and around the corner, out of sight. Camila heard the fluttering of wings and charged out with her Swiffer held high, Lauren right behind her. They really had no idea where the bird was, or what they were doing. God, there probably wasn't even a bird in there. Basically, they screamed as loud as they possibly could and flailed their weapons around randomly, shaking their heads so nothing could land on them.
Lauren seemed to have caught sight of the pigeon, as she was moving less spastically than Camila. Then again, most people moved less spastically than Camila. In everyday life. Camila joined her anyway, and they managed to beat it back through the window.
"Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him! Get out!" Camila screamed. "Make sure you don't hit him! Get the hell out the window bird! Wait, don't hurt him!"
Lauren dropped her broom and almost flung herself out the window in her haste to shut it. She collapsed against the wall of the living room breathing deeply. "Holy shit." She gasped out.
Camila choked a laugh through the heart attack she was having. She had never heard Lauren swear. She went and sat next to the brunette, patting the shaggy "I just got attacked by a fucking bird" hair to settle it down. Lauren looked at her and did the same for Camila's.
"That was..." Camila breathed out, unsure of where she was going with that.
"I'm never opening a window again." Lauren vowed. Camila put her head on the other woman's shoulder. She definitely agreed. No more windows. No more...going outside. Yep, she'll just stay right here in this position forever, and that'll be totally fine. Barnaby agreed, as he sprawled himself over their legs, ball sock in his mouth, content smile on his doggy face.
And, God, bird shit on their coffee table.
~oooooooooo~
After Camila's evening show the next day, she headed home with a massive bag of gummy worms and a copy of Paranormal Activity 2. So much for never watching it again. Apparently, Lauren had not seen it, and felt that she needed to be educated because her scary movie knowledge was severely lacking. Camila was skeptical. Well, no, she was more than skeptical. This was a horrible idea; they'd both probably be terrified wrecks by the end of the night...but, that's what the candy was for. Gummy worms could make all problems disappear. Always.
"Lolo." Camila called absently as she stepped into the bird-free apartment. She would never take that fact for granted ever again.
Lauren walked out of the bedroom hallway and into the living room. Camila glanced at her, tossing the gummy worms onto the coffee table and throwing her coat onto a hook by the door.
"Hey, how was your day?" Camila inquired. She stopped messing around with all her stuff and looked at Lauren when the woman didn't respond.
Lauren looked nervous. Her eyes were fixed on Camila's feet, and she held something behind her back as she shifted side to side. Camila walked over to her slowly.
"Lauren?"
Lauren took a deep breath. "It was good...my day, it was good."
Camila nodded slightly and watched Lauren open and close her mouth a few times. "Words, Lolo." She said with a half-smile, ducking her head to catch Lauren's eye.
Lauren rocked back on her heels. "I-I have a question. For you."
"Okay." Camila said warmly. "Ask away."
"Um, but first...I got you something."
Camila watched as Lauren pulled a stuffed lion out from behind her back. It was adorable, pale yellow with a huge, fluffy mane. Camila grinned and took it from Lauren's slightly shaky hand. The green eyed woman had turned crimson.
"Lolo! This is so cute! He looks like a four-legged version of Fuzzy!"
Lauren smiled shyly and flicked the rubber band on her wrist a few times. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Um, Fuzzy's in the closet all the time, so I thought he could use a...friend." Lauren shook her head like she couldn't believe she just said that. Camila chuckled and ran her fingers through the lion's mane.
"I love him. I'll call him...Cuddles." She said. Camila Cabello's stuffed animals must have adorable names. She watched patiently as Lauren bit her lip and tried to find the right words for whatever she wanted to say. Camila looked calm on the outside, but, you know, she's an amazing actress. Purely fantastic. She really felt like she was having some sort of mental breakdown, from...excitement? Anxiety? Lauren looked like she was suffering the same thing. They could have their psychotic breaks together.
"Lolo. You're okay. Just ask me, big bear."
Lauren gave her an uneasy smile, and put her hands in her pockets. Then she locked Emerald eyes with Camila's brown ones, and licked her lips.
"Can I take you on a date?" she asked, so quietly that Camila had to lean in to hear. Her heart leapt, and she tried to stop herself from grinning like a fool in case she was just delusional right now. Or Lauren was delusional. Or everybody was just dreaming and life was not real.
"You wanna go out with me?" Camila clarified, trying to stop her face from doing whatever the hell it was trying to do right now.
Lauren, surprisingly, maintained eye contact as she gave a small nod, tapping her fuzzy sock-clad toes against the carpet.
Camila allowed her face to transform, very slowly, so that she didn't look like a lunatic and scare Lauren away. Lauren's eyes were bright and hopeful as she saw Camila's emerging smile.
"I would love to go on a date with you, Lauren." Camila said, beaming and hugging Cuddles tightly to her.
Lauren grinned shyly. She also looked like she was trying to control her face, eyes darting over Camila's. "Really?"
Camila nodded emphatically. "Yes. My answer is yes."
Lauren let out a sort of half-laugh, half-sigh and abruptly pulled Camila into a hug. Camila chuckled and wrapped her arms around the taller woman, squishing Cuddles between them. Camila could feel Lauren quivering, and rubbed up and her back to calm her down.
"Aw, honey. You were really nervous." Camila murmured softly, smiling into Lauren's neck.
Lauren pulled back with a sheepish grin and a blush, and she shrugged. Camila let the taller woman take her arm and drag her over to the couch. She watched as Lauren put the movie in and laughed as she plopped back on the couch and stuffed a handful of gummy worms into her mouth.
Camila put her head on Lauren's shoulder and filled her own mouth with gummy worms. Maybe the fact that she felt like she was on top of the freaking world would counteract the damage this movie was about to inflict upon her.
~oooooooooo~
"Lolo, your feet are like blocks of ice."
Lauren pulled her legs further onto her own side of the bed. "Sorry." She mumbled. It was quiet for a few seconds. "Camz?"
"Yeah." Camila breathed out, eyes closed so that she wouldn't turn the shadows in her room into creepy stalker demon people.
"Can I put the bathroom light on?"
God, yes. Jesus, Lord almighty, a million times yes. Camila smiled into her pillow. "Sure, Lolo...And grab some of my socks. Fluffy ones. Top drawer."
Lauren turned on the light and put on some socks, then climbed back under the covers and sighed. Camila peeked her eyes open; she could just see Lauren's eyes in the dim light.
"Hey, Lolo."
Lauren hummed.
"Maybe we should try sleeping in different beds. I mean, I don't know what your...intentions...are, but..."Camila watched as Lauren's brow furrowed. "Sorry, that was stupid. I meant, it would be a more...romantic date, if we didn't, you know, spend eight hours together every night." Camila's face was on fire. She reached down to the body between hers and Lauren's, and ruffled Barnaby's ears, just for something to do.
"Okay." Lauren agreed softly. "I'll...sleep by myself tomorrow."
Camila rolled over to face her. "For one night."
"One night." Lauren repeated.
Camila smiled into the darkness. She tried not to imagine what it would look like with a night vision ghost/stalker/demon camera. "So, do you know where you're taking me?"
Lauren chuckled. "Yes. Um, it's not, like, fancy or anything...But, I think you'll like it."
"Tell me what you have planned." Camila prodded Lauren in the shoulder until the other woman rolled onto her side to face her.
"No." Lauren grinned.
"Lolo." Camila whined.
"Camzi."
Camila huffed and rolled back onto her back. She watched Lauren out of the corner of her eye. "When, then?"
"Saturday...Um, afternoon."
Camila lolled her head to the side to gaze at Lauren's amused expression. She could probably bully some information out of the woman, but she was too busy picturing demons standing over her sleeping body, preparing to kill her.
"Are your feet warm yet?" she asked instead. "You're like a reptile, Lo."
Lauren snorted into the sheets. "No, I'm a bear." She said. "And yes, your socks fixed me."
"You and Barnaby are taking up, like, ninety-eight percent of the bed. I'm sliding off the edge, Lolo. I am the two percent, and you're forcing me over the edge."
As Camila complained, she moved closer to Lauren, cuddling up into the other woman's warm pajamas. Good. Now if some paranormal force decided to fling her around the bedroom in the middle of the night, Lauren would be coming with her. They had a stuffed bear and lion between them. Lauren chuckled and patted Camila's head.
"Last night, little bear. You should be cherishing it."
Camila smiled. "Goodnight, Lolo."
Surprisingly, Paranormal Activity didn't invade Camila's dreams. She fell asleep in Lauren's arms, and only woke up when Barnaby decided to sprawl himself over her face in the morning. Yeah, she'd miss her bed being so full, but, really, she had a date on Saturday.
~oooooooooo~
"You're fucking with me Cabello."
"No I'm not! Really, she asked me out!" Camila argued into her phone the next afternoon. She was lying on the living room floor with her feet propped up on the couch. God knows why. Arguing with Dinah made her body do some weird things to attempt to escape.
"I don't believe you. She's like a goddamned bunny. There's no way she asked you out."
Camila wondered how Lauren being "like a bunny" would stop her from asking Camila out. She smiled up at the ceiling as she heard the front door open and close.
"Shut up, Dinah. You can ask her yourself."
Camila heard something smash on the other end of the line. Dinah groaned in the distance. Lauren sat down cross-legged on the couch facing Camila's feet and tapped her fingers up and down her shins.
"Dinah? Were you just attacked? Should I call an ambulance? Is there a bird in your apartment?" Camila rambled, wide-eyed.
The line crackled again before Dinah spoke. "Jesus Christ. Next time you have a fucking bird in your apartment, Mila, come over here and take Ally's pet cat, okay. It will kill anything it sets its goddamned laser death eyes on."
Camila winced. She heard a cat yowling in the background.
"Anyway, yeah, put Green eyes on. I need to hear this shit from her."
Camila held the phone up to Lauren and poked her in the ribs with her toes. "Lolo. Dinah doesn't believe we're going on a date. Can you tell her?"
Lauren looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and Camila nudged her in the side with her foot again.
"Just tell her you asked me out. If she's a bitch, just hang up. It's like a default setting for her." Camila smiled when Lauren took the phone. She listened closely to Lauren's side of the conversation.
"Hello...Yeah."
Lauren frowned. "Hey, don't call her that." Camila smiled to herself.
"Um, I gave her a stuffed lion...Cuddles...No it's not. Stop calling her that."
Then Lauren suddenly flushed, and then held the phone away from her ear for a minute before handing it back to Camila.
"What did you say to her?" Camila asked Dinah suspiciously. Lauren was still bright red as she started playing with Camila's toes.
"That's none of your business, Cabello. But I do believe you now."
Camila rolled her eyes. "I told you."
Dinah obviously ignored her. "Camila, be nice to her. She's sweet, and she probably doesn't know what she's doing." She said in a softer voice.
Camila blushed; God, her eyes felt like they were welling up. One nice comment from Dinah could alter the foundation she's built her life on. Jesus, it could probably shift tectonic plates. Just weird.
"Of course." Camila said quietly, watching Lauren play with her toes like little piggies.
When Camila hung up, she heaved herself off the floor and walked around to the back of the couch, mussing Lauren's hair on the way. Lauren just ducked her head and huffed. Camila grinned.
"Where's B?" Lauren asked, glancing around the apartment. Camila looked around too; Barnaby usually assaulted Lauren the minute she walked through the door. She frowned.
"Maybe he's sleeping." Camila guessed.
"Hey, B! Barnaby!" Lauren called in the direction of the bedrooms. As she was standing up to go and look for herself, Barnaby came plodding into the living room. Slowly and dejectedly. Camila was instantly worried.
She walked over and crouched down with Lauren in front of the dog.
"He's been kind of quiet over the last couple days." Lauren murmured, rubbing his ears fondly.
Camila got up to check his food bowl in the kitchen, and holy mother of God it was full. It was fucking full. She had never seen Barnaby's bowl full for more than two seconds. And, what the hell was that? Cheetos? And dog food. Of course.
"He didn't eat his breakfast." Camila said, returning to Lauren's side. Camila wouldn't eat that shit either, but, you know, this wasn't about her. Lauren looked up at her worriedly.
"We should-we should take him to the vet, right? What if something's wrong with him?" Lauren's eyes were darting across Camila's face. Camila put a hand on the back of her neck to calm her down.
"He probably just has a tummy ache, Lolo. But, yeah, we can take him to the vet. Better safe than sorry."
Lauren nodded vigorously, and then rubbed Barnaby's fluffy golden belly while Camila flitted around and gathered his papers and leash. Barnaby seemed okay with the eight-block walk to the vet, so Camila didn't let Lauren carry him, which the other woman was all too willing to do. Lauren had just shuffled impossibly slowly along behind the dog the whole way, ready to literally catch him if he fell.
They sat in the waiting room for a while. Camila gave up trying to stop Lauren's fidgeting, and gave her a quarter for the gumball machine so that the bouncing of the brunette's legs wouldn't drive her completely crazy. The doctor finally called them back into the tiny exam room, and Camila breathed a sigh of relief, following Lauren inside.
"So, how's Mr. Barnaby doing today?" The vet asked, running his hands along Barnaby's sides and checking for swelling and dehydration.
Camila glanced at Lauren, who was biting her lip and tapping the edge of the exam table anxiously.
"He's not so good." Camila said, smiling slightly when Barnaby's tail gave a slight wag at her voice. "He's lethargic, and, I mean, it's really obvious, because he's the most excitable dog in the world."
She looked at Lauren again, who nodded slightly in agreement.
"And he didn't eat his breakfast, which is just-it's insane. For him." Camila finished.
The doctor nodded, checking Barnaby's ears and then gums. "Has he had anything weird to eat over the past week?"
Lauren flushed and stared at Barnaby's paws. Camila reached over and grabbed her tapping hands.
"Nothing that he hasn't had before." Camila replied. "I mean, he's gotten into the garbage too many times to count, and he's had stuffed animal legs and DVD players..."
"Iron stomach, huh." The vet chuckled. "How about chocolate? Maybe grapes, caffeine, onions, candy? Any of those?"
Camila started shaking her head, but Lauren froze. Camila looked up at her anguished expression.
"I gave him the-the onions off my burger a few days ago. Are they bad for him? Did I do this?" Lauren made a little whining sound. She looked panicked and glanced down at Camila, who put a calming hand on the taller woman's back.
"Camila, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"Hey, he's okay." The doctor interjected before Lauren could have a full freak out about how she was killing Camila's dog. Camila just kept rubbing her back. She gently removed the rubber band from Lauren's wrist before Lauren could snap it again.
"A couple onions from a burger wouldn't have caused this." The vet continued. "Like you said, he's been in the garbage before. Now, looking at his gums, he's a little anemic. He probably ate something on a walk or something he wasn't supposed to have in your house. We can do a blood test if you want, but I think if you just make sure he eats right and give him a day to recover, plenty of water, he'll be fine."
Lauren was wordlessly moving her jaw up and down. Camila scratched Barnaby's back. "You're sure? He's definitely been eating some...not so good stuff." Camila glanced at a bashful, slightly calmer Lauren. "He seems so sad."
The vet smiled and patted the goldie's head. "Absolutely. He'll be back to his crazy ways in no time."
Good. Because Barnaby was basically a human in their household.
Camila tried to cheer Lauren up on their slow walk home. So slow. Maybe if Lauren had actually killed her dog, Camila would be angry, but Lauren just looked so ashamed. Camila bumped against her shoulder.
"So, no more Cheetos right?" she said with a smile.
Lauren nodded resolutely, serious expression fixed in place.
"Lolo, he's going to be fine. He's-oh God, look, see that. He just ate someone's gum off the sidewalk. Chewing gum, Lauren. Your childish dislike of onions had nothing to do with this. He's-God, he can't even swallow it."
Lauren cracked a smile and Camila poked her in the ribs, watching Barnaby hack on, and then inhale the gum. Lauren leaned forward and tweaked his fluffy tail.
"Hey, B, that's gross. No more Cheetos for you, dog. I'm putting you on a diet. Of dog food. And I'm sorry for that."
"He's been spoiled." Camila remarked.
Lauren chuckled. "Well yeah, apparently you let him eat DVD players..."
For the record, Camila hadn't actually fed her dog a DVD player. Yeah, she left it sitting out on the floor when B was a puppy, but surely that didn't mean 'eat me.' Anyway, she'd learned her lesson, and now all aspects of their entertainment center were in cabinets under the TV. That night for dinner, Barnaby had only dog food, for the first time since Lauren had moved in.